1. Way up in the mountains
in a small little town...Copy !req
2. The main street was being
decorated all up and down.Copy !req
3. People stood in long linesCopy !req
4. Sometimes waiting
hours or more...Copy !req
5. Because Christmas needs
to be bought in a store.Copy !req
6. But out in the forest
not too far away...Copy !req
7. the little woodland crittersCopy !req
8. were also preparing
for their Christmas day.Copy !req
9. The little critters worked hard
as they happily sangCopy !req
10. and each one of them
had a quite interesting name.Copy !req
11. There was Squirrelie
the squirrelCopy !req
12. Rabbitie the rabbitCopy !req
13. Beaverie the beaver
and Bearie the bear.Copy !req
14. Porcupinie the porcupine,
Skunkie the skunkCopy !req
15. Foxie the fox
and Deerie, the deer.Copy !req
16. Woodpeckerie the woodpecker,
Mousie the mouseCopy !req
17. and Chickadee-ee,
the chickadeeCopy !req
18. all made
the forest their house.Copy !req
19. And on that magical day,
stumbling upon all of that—Copy !req
20. was a surprised
little boy...Copy !req
21. in a red poof ball hat.Copy !req
22. What the hell...?Copy !req
23. Well,
hello there!Copy !req
24. Welcome to
our forest.Copy !req
25. How do you like our
Christmas tree?Copy !req
26. It's nice...Copy !req
27. Why, it's the most perfect
tree in the forest!Copy !req
28. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
29. Oh, no,
I see a problem!Copy !req
30. What is it,
Mousie?Copy !req
31. Our Christmas tree
doesn't have a star!Copy !req
32. Awww...
Awww...Copy !req
33. We can't have a tree
with no star on it.Copy !req
34. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
35. Now don't be
down, ya'll.Copy !req
36. Maybe our new friend
can help us find a star.Copy !req
37. Would you?
Really?Copy !req
38. Okay, okay...Copy !req
39. Yea!
Yea!Copy !req
40. And so, using some paper
and working with gleeCopy !req
41. the boy in the
red poof ball hatCopy !req
42. made a star
for the tree.Copy !req
43. Ahhh...
Ahhh...Copy !req
44. It's the nicest star
I ever saw!Copy !req
45. The little critters cheered
and Beavie said with a smile...Copy !req
46. How would you like to sing and
dance with us for a while?Copy !req
47. The boy in the red poof ball hat
smiled and said...Copy !req
48. Uh... no thanks,
I'm gonna go home.Copy !req
49. G'bye Stannie!Copy !req
50. G'bye!
- See ya!Copy !req
51. Wuf...Copy !req
52. Hi, Stannie!
Hi, Stannie!Copy !req
53. Aw... Wha?Copy !req
54. His friends
were all there!Copy !req
55. What a wonderful
surprise!Copy !req
56. The little boy smiled
with joy in his eyes!Copy !req
57. What time is it?Copy !req
58. You aren't gonna believe
what happened, Stannie.Copy !req
59. It's the most magical
Christmas gift ever!Copy !req
60. Porcupinie is pregnant!Copy !req
61. You guys, I have to
go to school tomorrow.Copy !req
62. I deduce the manboy
doesn't understandCopy !req
63. the seriousness
of the fertilization!Copy !req
64. Porcupinie is a virgin,
Stannie.Copy !req
65. Her conception
was immaculate!Copy !req
66. She's going to give birth
to our lord and savior!Copy !req
67. What?Copy !req
68. It has been foretold unto meCopy !req
69. that I would give birth
on Christmas Day!Copy !req
70. So soon!Copy !req
71. How delightful!Copy !req
72. Our souls are saved!Copy !req
73. Finally, the critters
are gonna have a saviorCopy !req
74. of their very own
of their very own!Copy !req
75. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
76. There's just
one problem...Copy !req
77. We don't have a manger for
our savior to be born in.Copy !req
78. Awww!
- Awww!Copy !req
79. But we got
to have a manger!Copy !req
80. Can you do it,
Stan?Copy !req
81. Can you build us
a manger, huh?Copy !req
82. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
83. "Of course I'll build you
a manger!"Copy !req
84. The little boy cried.Copy !req
85. And he winked at
his critter friendsCopy !req
86. and leapt to their side!Copy !req
87. And out in the woods,
the boy steamed right aheadCopy !req
88. making a place for the critter
babe to lay its sweet head.Copy !req
89. Gee wiz, if it isn't the
nicest manger I ever saw!Copy !req
90. I deduce that it shall serve
as a perfectly suitableCopy !req
91. resting place
for the son of our lord!Copy !req
92. Does this mean we can
go to sleep now?Copy !req
93. My son will have the nicest
bed in all the forest!Copy !req
94. Fit for a king!Copy !req
95. This is gonna be the best
critter Christmas ever!Copy !req
96. Alright,
I'm going now.Copy !req
97. Aaah!
- Aaah!Copy !req
98. The mountain lion!Copy !req
99. Hide!Copy !req
100. Go away, shoo!Copy !req
101. Is it gone?Copy !req
102. I deduce it is!Copy !req
103. I'm not
c-c-coming out!Copy !req
104. Well, this is the end.Copy !req
105. The mountain lion obviously
knows Porcupinie is pregnantCopy !req
106. and it's going to
kill it again!Copy !req
107. Again?Copy !req
108. Every Christmas,
the mountain lion comes downCopy !req
109. and eats the virgin critterCopy !req
110. impregnated with
the son of our lord.Copy !req
111. Oh dear,
I'm so very afraid!Copy !req
112. Let's face it,Copy !req
113. the mountain lion will never
let our savior be born!Copy !req
114. Awww...
- Awww...Copy !req
115. Hey, we shouldn't be
upset this ChristmasCopy !req
116. we've got Stannie!Copy !req
117. Of course,
Stannie can do anything!Copy !req
118. If he can build a manger,Copy !req
119. he can stop that mean ol'
mountain lion!Copy !req
120. Christmas is saved!Copy !req
121. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
122. High up over the forest,
on a dark, craggily peakCopy !req
123. the horrid mountain lion
lived and preyed on the weak.Copy !req
124. For the critters to be savedCopy !req
125. someone had to stop
that nasty old cat—Copy !req
126. God dammit,
this is fucking ridiculous.Copy !req
127. —said the little boy
in the red poof ball hat.Copy !req
128. Killing a mountain lion
was no easy task.Copy !req
129. But he thought of a plan...
and he thought of it fast!Copy !req
130. Gargrgrgg...
grgrgrrrgrr!Copy !req
131. Come on out!Copy !req
132. Come on,
critter killer!Copy !req
133. Your days of slaughtering
innocent little animalsCopy !req
134. are over!Copy !req
135. Rarghghgh!Copy !req
136. Rarrrrrr!Copy !req
137. Aah!Copy !req
138. In a flash it was over,
a victorious blow!Copy !req
139. The mountain lion lay slain
on the cold ground below.Copy !req
140. Okay, there.Copy !req
141. Mommy...
Mommy!Copy !req
142. W-w-wake up, Mommy,
wake up...Copy !req
143. Don't leave us,
Mommy.Copy !req
144. Man-boy... Why?Copy !req
145. Why did you
kill our mommy, why?Copy !req
146. I... the critters...Copy !req
147. They're...
birth of the savior...Copy !req
148. The tiny cubs all
gathered together and cried,Copy !req
149. all alone in the world because
their mother had died.Copy !req
150. Aw... awww!Copy !req
151. Ooh...Copy !req
152. You alright,
Lady Porcupinie?Copy !req
153. Oh yes... Just felt
a little kick is all.Copy !req
154. Well, it's been
much too long now.Copy !req
155. I'm afraid our helpful friend
Stannie must be very dead.Copy !req
156. Yes, the mountain lion
probably swallowed him whole.Copy !req
157. I guess that means...Copy !req
158. Our savior is gonna be
made into savior stew.Copy !req
159. Awww...
- Awww...Copy !req
160. Wait a minute,
look!Copy !req
161. Stannie!
- Stannie!Copy !req
162. Stannie,
you're alive!Copy !req
163. But does that mean...Copy !req
164. You killed
the mountain lion?Copy !req
165. It's dead.Copy !req
166. For real
and for true?Copy !req
167. Are you sure?Copy !req
168. I'm sure, it won't be
hurting you anymore.Copy !req
169. He did it!Copy !req
170. Now our critter Christmas
can finally happen!Copy !req
171. Hail Satan!Copy !req
172. Hail Satan!
- Hail Satan!Copy !req
173. Wait... what?Copy !req
174. You've done us
a huge favor, Stannie!Copy !req
175. Without the mountain lion
around,Copy !req
176. Lady Porcupinie can give
birth to the Antichrist!Copy !req
177. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
178. Wait, wait...
the Antichrist?Copy !req
179. You said she was giving birth
to your savior!Copy !req
180. Yes, to the son of our lord,
Satan, Prince of Darkness.Copy !req
181. But I thought you meant
the son of God!Copy !req
182. Well, think about it.Copy !req
183. You really think God would
have sex with a porcupine?Copy !req
184. No way!Copy !req
185. Only Satan,
Prince of DarknessCopy !req
186. and King of All Evil
would do that—yea!Copy !req
187. This is cause
for celebration.Copy !req
188. Let's sacrifice Rabbitie
and eat his flesh!Copy !req
189. Yea, sacrifice me
to the devil!Copy !req
190. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
191. Aaghghgh!Copy !req
192. Ahghghgh!Copy !req
193. Drink his blood,
drink his blood!Copy !req
194. Rarhrhghggh!Copy !req
195. Blood orgy!Copy !req
196. Yea, blood orgy!Copy !req
197. Blood orgy, yea!Copy !req
198. Hail Satan!Copy !req
199. In the gentle forest clearing on
Christmas Eve morn,Copy !req
200. the little forest crittersCopy !req
201. prepared for the Antichrist
to be born.Copy !req
202. The noble mountain lionCopy !req
203. had stopped evil
in all the years past,Copy !req
204. but now the good protector lay
dead as the good owls amassed.Copy !req
205. And meanwhile, three lion cubs
were crying away.Copy !req
206. For them, there would
certainly be no Christmas Day.Copy !req
207. And soon the forest would suffer
from the offspring Satan begat.Copy !req
208. All this because of
the little boy...Copy !req
209. In the red poof ball hat.Copy !req
210. Ugh...Copy !req
211. Now that he'd killed
the noble lion queen,Copy !req
212. there was nobody to stop
the apocalypse, it seemed.Copy !req
213. Aghghggh!Copy !req
214. "I know!" he said
with a new happy grin.Copy !req
215. "I'll go back to the forestCopy !req
216. to speak with those critters
again!"Copy !req
217. No, no, no, no...Copy !req
218. He ran out the living room,
turned out the lightCopy !req
219. and went back to the forest
to set everything right!Copy !req
220. And went back to the forest
to set everything right!Copy !req
221. He tried to forget all about it
by watching TVCopy !req
222. But his conscience
caught up with himCopy !req
223. and to the forest
he did flee!Copy !req
224. He thought he could hide from
his problems, not true!Copy !req
225. He knew in his heart
the thing he had to do!Copy !req
226. Leave me alone!Copy !req
227. He knew that only by going
to the forest could he—Copy !req
228. Oh, alright, alright,
alright!Copy !req
229. God!Copy !req
230. Hey, look everyone!Copy !req
231. It's our ol' pal,
Stannie!Copy !req
232. Oh boy, Stannie,
you came just in time!Copy !req
233. Yeah, we've got
a big problem!Copy !req
234. The great Satan
has commandedCopy !req
235. that when
the Antichrist is born,Copy !req
236. we must find a human host body
to transfer it into.Copy !req
237. That way it can take over
the whole world!Copy !req
238. The whole world!Copy !req
239. The human must be
non-baptizedCopy !req
240. and heathenistic
against Christ!Copy !req
241. We figured
you'd be perfect!Copy !req
242. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
243. I'm not a heathen!Copy !req
244. I was baptized
and my family's Christian!Copy !req
245. Awww...!
- Awww...!Copy !req
246. But we got to have a human
host body for the Antichrist.Copy !req
247. Oh, dear, maybe we won't have
a critter Christmas after all.Copy !req
248. Now don't be down,
y'all.Copy !req
249. Stannie can help us find
a non-baptized heathen human.Copy !req
250. Will ya really,
Stannie?Copy !req
251. No!Copy !req
252. I'm not doing you
any more favorsCopy !req
253. and I'm not letting you give
birth to the Antichrist!Copy !req
254. I came here to put
a stop to all this!Copy !req
255. To stop us?Copy !req
256. But gee wiz, Stan,
if you tried to stop usCopy !req
257. we'd have to use our evil
Satanic powers on you.Copy !req
258. Right, whatever.Copy !req
259. I'm taking down
the manger I built.Copy !req
260. Agh...
Aghghh!Copy !req
261. Ahghgh!Copy !req
262. Aahghgh!Copy !req
263. Aahghgh!Copy !req
264. Oh, boy!Copy !req
265. Our satanic powers
sure did the trick!Copy !req
266. Our powers get stronger
every day!Copy !req
267. Get stronger every day!Copy !req
268. Sorry, Stannie,
but you see,Copy !req
269. nothin' can stop the birth
of the Antichrist...Copy !req
270. Except for
a mountain lion.Copy !req
271. And you got
rid a her!Copy !req
272. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
273. The boy shook with anger
he broke a sweat and felt ill!Copy !req
274. When he remembered,Copy !req
275. there were three mountain lion
cubs still alive on the hill!Copy !req
276. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
277. Hello?Copy !req
278. Anybody in there?Copy !req
279. Oh, no, it's the man-boy
who killed Mommy!Copy !req
280. He's come to
kill us now!Copy !req
281. It's okay, I died inside when
Mommy was killed anyways.Copy !req
282. Yeah, better this
than the slow deathCopy !req
283. we'd face without
a mother around.Copy !req
284. Look, I'm sorry
I killed your mom.Copy !req
285. The squirrel told me
she was evil.Copy !req
286. You got tricked
by a squirrel?Copy !req
287. Gee, you're not too smart,
are ya mister?Copy !req
288. I'm trying to make this
alright again,Copy !req
289. but the only thing that can
stop devil-worshipping crittersCopy !req
290. is a mountain lion.Copy !req
291. Yeah,
and you killed her.Copy !req
292. Well, you're mountain lions.Copy !req
293. Us?
Nawww, we're just kids.Copy !req
294. We still have
our baby teeth.Copy !req
295. And baby claws.Copy !req
296. And a dead mom.Copy !req
297. There still has to be a way
for youCopy !req
298. to kill the porcupine's baby.Copy !req
299. What?
You mean like an abortion?Copy !req
300. Yeah, an abortion!
That could work!Copy !req
301. But... We don't know
how to give abortions.Copy !req
302. Do you know someplace
we can learn, mister?Copy !req
303. "Where can they learn that,"
the boy said with a frown.Copy !req
304. "I know, the abortion clinic
just outside of town!"Copy !req
305. What?Copy !req
306. So he picked up the cubs and
down the mountain he stormed,Copy !req
307. and took them to where
abortions are performed!Copy !req
308. No, he didn't.Copy !req
309. Yes, he did.Copy !req
310. No, he didn't!Copy !req
311. Yes, he did.Copy !req
312. No, he didn't!Copy !req
313. Yes, he... did!Copy !req
314. Aw, God damn it!Copy !req
315. said the boy
in the red poofball hat!Copy !req
316. We've made it already,
little cubs, fancy that!Copy !req
317. Excuse me,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
318. The abortion doctor
inquired.Copy !req
319. If you wanna be in the O.R.,
a pass is required!Copy !req
320. I don't know, I'm supposed
to show these mountain lionsCopy !req
321. how abortions are performed
or something.Copy !req
322. I know,
it's ridiculous.Copy !req
323. Well, you're in luck,
I'm happy to inform.Copy !req
324. Its only three days
until ChristmasCopy !req
325. so I have lots of
abortions to perform!Copy !req
326. Gather round my table
cute little lions,Copy !req
327. I'll teach you to do abortions
without even tryin'!Copy !req
328. And so the little boy
and the cubsCopy !req
329. gathered 'round
the chair baseCopy !req
330. and all day watched abortion
after abortion take place.Copy !req
331. This better
have a point, dude.Copy !req
332. This really better
have a point.Copy !req
333. Oh, look...Copy !req
334. That little feller
is all alone!Copy !req
335. Gee, he looks sad.Copy !req
336. Hi there!Copy !req
337. What the hell...?Copy !req
338. How come you're all alone
on Christmas eve?Copy !req
339. My... family doesn't
celebrate Christmas.Copy !req
340. Awww, but why?Copy !req
341. Well, because
we don't really...Copy !req
342. Believe in Jesus.Copy !req
343. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
344. But does that mean...
you aren't baptized?Copy !req
345. No, I'm Jewish.Copy !req
346. Yea, yea!
- Yea, yea!Copy !req
347. You got to
come with us!Copy !req
348. You're perfect,
just p-p-perfect!Copy !req
349. Huh?Copy !req
350. Yea!
- Woo-hoo!Copy !req
351. Hail Satan!Copy !req
352. 'Twas the night
before ChristmasCopy !req
353. and above the woods
way up high,Copy !req
354. a new bright shiny star
hung in the sky...Copy !req
355. For the world to be saved
there was only one shot,Copy !req
356. a little boy with three cubs
with an abortion plot.Copy !req
357. Okay, come on,
the critters are over this way.Copy !req
358. You mountain lions ready
to stop the AntichristCopy !req
359. from being born?Copy !req
360. Sure, we know how to
give abortions now!Copy !req
361. He arrived at the critter forest
ready to fightCopy !req
362. but then gasped when he saw
a most dreadful sight—Copy !req
363. Gosh, we did it!Copy !req
364. The critter Antichrist
is born.Copy !req
365. Bringing a thousand years
of darkness to the forest.Copy !req
366. Grgglglgl!Copy !req
367. The Antichrist had been born,
sealing the world's fate.Copy !req
368. The boy in
the red poof ball hat...Copy !req
369. was too late.Copy !req
370. Too late?Copy !req
371. What the hell
is that?Copy !req
372. Oh, hi-ya,
Stannie!Copy !req
373. Stan!Copy !req
374. Stan what the hell
is going on?Copy !req
375. It's critter Christmas dude,
it sucks ass!Copy !req
376. Now all we got to do is put the
Antichrist into our human host!Copy !req
377. Yeah!
- Woo-hoo!Copy !req
378. That's it?Copy !req
379. 10,000 years of darkness and I
don't have a Merry Christmas?Copy !req
380. When up the sky,Copy !req
381. the sound of sleigh bells
were heard!Copy !req
382. And a jolly red sleigh flew
down to earth like a bird!Copy !req
383. Hey, look!
Its Santie Claus!Copy !req
384. Yea!
- Yea!Copy !req
385. Let's eat
his flesh!Copy !req
386. Alright, what the hell
is going on?Copy !req
387. Why is there a red star
glowing in the sky?Copy !req
388. We finally did it,
Santa!Copy !req
389. We brought forth the
Antichrist with helpCopy !req
390. from our good friend Stannie!Copy !req
391. Death and pain await
all living things!Copy !req
392. Little boy,
you should be ashamed!Copy !req
393. I didn't mean to help them,
I tried to stop them!Copy !req
394. Well, good going, stupid!Copy !req
395. There's only one way to stop
devil-worshiping critters!Copy !req
396. Aaaghgh!
- Aaaghgh!Copy !req
397. Dude, what the...?Copy !req
398. Come on, dude.Copy !req
399. Gee wiz, Santa, you're not
gonna kill me are y—Copy !req
400. But Santa, what do we
do about the Antichrist?Copy !req
401. Don't worry, boys,
the Antichrist cannot surviveCopy !req
402. without a human host body
to go into.Copy !req
403. No... no, I want to have
the Antichrist inside me!Copy !req
404. What...
Kyle!Copy !req
405. With his power,Copy !req
406. I can finally make the earth
a better place for the Jews!Copy !req
407. Don't do it, Kyle!Copy !req
408. Aarrhghgh!Copy !req
409. Dude!Copy !req
410. Yes... yes!Copy !req
411. Now the Jews shall
take control of ChristmasCopy !req
412. once and for all...
Ahahahaahaa!Copy !req
413. Oh, stop it, Cartman!Copy !req
414. Just stop it!Copy !req
415. That's enough!Copy !req
416. You aren't reading another
sentence of your stupid story!Copy !req
417. I don't believe anyone
interrupted youCopy !req
418. when you read your
Christmas story aloud, Kyle.Copy !req
419. This whole time your
stupid story was just a wayCopy !req
420. to rip on me for being Jewish
at Christmas again!Copy !req
421. Mr. Garrison could you
do something, please?Copy !req
422. Sorry Eric, but if Kyle feels
discriminated againstCopy !req
423. you'll have to stop or else
I'll get a call from his mother.Copy !req
424. Alright, fine,
forget it!Copy !req
425. Well, but...
But what happened?Copy !req
426. Yeah, did Kyle bring 1,000
years of darkness or not?Copy !req
427. What happens
to the lion cubs?Copy !req
428. Well, I guess
we'll never knowCopy !req
429. because Kyle doesn't wanna
hear how it ends.Copy !req
430. No, it all worked out,
right?Copy !req
431. The world was saved and I went
home for Christmas dinner.Copy !req
432. Dude, why do you care?Copy !req
433. After all that
I at least wanna knowCopy !req
434. if I had a Merry Christmas or
if darkness rules the earth.Copy !req
435. Oh, come on!
It's obvious what happens.Copy !req
436. I get killed by Santa Claus
so that Christmas is saved!Copy !req
437. That's not at all
what happens.Copy !req
438. Aw, come on,
let him read us the end!Copy !req
439. Yeah, yeah,
come on...Copy !req
440. Yeah!
Let him do it!Copy !req
441. Alright,
fine!Copy !req
442. A-a-ahem...Copy !req
443. "Oh, dear, my best friend is
possessed, how about that!"Copy !req
444. said the little boy
in the red poof ball hat..."Copy !req
445. Ha ha haaa!Copy !req
446. Now I shall rule the—
ughh... aahghgh...Copy !req
447. God it burns!Copy !req
448. Aahhhh...
my soul is on fire!Copy !req
449. Ohhh, I don't like this.Copy !req
450. I didn't know it would
feel so... dark and evil!Copy !req
451. Well what did
you expect, dude?Copy !req
452. It's the son of
the devil.Copy !req
453. Oh God,
what have I done?Copy !req
454. I'm sorry, please...Copy !req
455. I don't wanna be the vessel
for the Antichrist!Copy !req
456. I'm sorry but it's
too late, Kyle.Copy !req
457. Santa's gonna
have to kill you.Copy !req
458. No, Santa don't!Copy !req
459. We don't have a choice,
in a few hoursCopy !req
460. the dark creature inside
him will consume his soul!Copy !req
461. The little boy fretted,
he almost started to bawl...Copy !req
462. But that's when he came up
with the best idea of all.Copy !req
463. The lion cubs!Copy !req
464. The little boy
quickly begun...Copy !req
465. I took them to see
how abortions are done!Copy !req
466. What?Copy !req
467. Now, cubs do like they
showed you, hurry up fastCopy !req
468. get the Antichrist of
my friend Kyle's ass!Copy !req
469. And in the
twinkling starlightCopy !req
470. each little cub
did their portion.Copy !req
471. They remembered all
they had learnedCopy !req
472. and gave Kyle an abortion.Copy !req
473. Aarhghgh...!Copy !req
474. gagahrhgrh...!Copy !req
475. Kill, destroy!Copy !req
476. Ghghrhrhg!Copy !req
477. Kill, destroy!Copy !req
478. Gagahrhgrh—Copy !req
479. Thanks, everybody.Copy !req
480. I'm sorry I got
a little crazy there.Copy !req
481. Well, little boy,Copy !req
482. it seems that you have
really been through a lot.Copy !req
483. Is there any special present
you would like this year?Copy !req
484. Yeah...
yeah there is.Copy !req
485. What... oh my,
what happened?Copy !req
486. Mommy?Copy !req
487. Yea!
- You're back!Copy !req
488. We missed you Mommy!Copy !req
489. Oh, good.Copy !req
490. And back home,
there were presentsCopy !req
491. and lots of food to get fatCopy !req
492. and it was the best
Christmas everCopy !req
493. for the boy in
the red poof ball hat.Copy !req
494. And they all lived
happily ever after.Copy !req
495. Except for Kyle who died of AIDS
two weeks later.Copy !req
496. God damn it Cartman!Copy !req