1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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2. Oh, my God.
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3. You guys are not gonna believe
what happened to me last night.
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4. What? Tell us.
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5. So, I'm watching the season
premiere of "Boy Meets Boy,"
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6. and then "Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy" comes on, right?
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7. So I fall asleep in front
of the TV, and when I wake up,
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8. I see that I've spilled
the Coke I was drinking
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9. all over my satin pajama top.
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10. Oh, my gosh. Are you serious?
That was the cutest top ever!
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11. I know!
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12. Mrph hmhm mrph hmhm rm
mrph rmh rmphm.
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13. Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
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14. Hey, dudes.
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15. What a dork!
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16. What?
- Nice jacket, Kyle!
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17. Polyester is really
the hot fabric this fall!
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18. But — But this is the jacket
I always wear.
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19. You got to get with the times,
girlfriend.
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20. Yeah. That jacket
is so September 10th!
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21. Oh, my God. You've got
splotches on your neck.
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22. Are you using any exfoliating
products at all?
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23. We can't let Kyle out in public
like this, you guys.
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24. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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25. Come on, Kyle.
We're giving you a makeover!
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26. Coming up next on HBC,
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27. it's "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy"!
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28. We have got to get you
some tighter-fitting shirts!
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29. Then it's "Boy Meets Boy",
followed by "Will and Grace",
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30. and then "The Love Boat...
With Men."
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31. My goodness, there certainly
are a lot of gay shows
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32. on television these days.
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33. Yeah.
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34. I think it's great that gays
are finally being so accepted.
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35. Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
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36. Kyle, what's happened to you?
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37. I'm just trying to fit in,
Daddy.
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38. Don't be such a drama queen.
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39. Oh, my God!
Come on, Sheila.
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40. We better go tell the other
parents what's going on!
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41. Oh, hi, Gerald, Sheila.
- Hi, Sharon.
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42. Uh, we need to talk to you
about the boys.
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43. Sure. Come on in.
The guys are all watching TV.
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44. Oh, is the game on or something?
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45. Hey! Gerald!
How are you?
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46. - Hi, Gerald!
- Gerald!
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47. Sit down, Ger-Ger.
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48. "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
is on.
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49. Oh, no.
You guys all turned gay, too?
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50. Not gay, Gerald.
Metrosexual.
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51. What's that?
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52. Just because a guy cares
about how he looks
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53. and is in touch
with his feminine side
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54. doesn't mean he's gay anymore!
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55. Metrosexual means
you're straight
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56. but you appreciate
the gay culture.
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57. It's super fabulous.
Would you like some shiraz?
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58. Shiraz is great.
- Don't our men look amazing?
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59. Haven't you seen "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy," Sheila?
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60. These five gay men go around
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61. and show straight men
how to better themselves.
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62. It's the best!
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63. It is?
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64. Well, sure, Sheila.
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65. Our husbands are all so clean
and neat.
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66. My Randy irons his clothes
and even has pedicures!
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67. And they like to talk
about their feelings now
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68. and drink wine
and decorate the house!
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69. My Steven shaved his chest
and his balls!
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70. Ooh, I love it!
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71. And how about our boys, huh?
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72. Ever since gay culture became
cool, our boys bathe every night
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73. and brush their teeth
three times a day.
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74. This is the greatest thing ever.
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75. I don't know.
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76. Sometimes boys take
cultural fads too far.
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77. Dude, I can't wait for Wendy
to see how gay I look!
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78. That's true, you guys.
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79. When the chicks at school
see how gay we are,
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80. they're gonna be all over us.
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81. Mrph-mrph!
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82. All right.
Let's work it!
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83. What the...
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84. Toodle-oo, Conner.
See ya after classies.
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85. Okay, sweetums.
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86. Oh, my God.
Where is my homework?
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87. I am fuh-reaking out!
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88. Hey, dudes.
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89. Hey, Craig.
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90. You guys look pretty gay.
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91. Thanks!
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92. Not as gay as us, though.
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93. Oh, please, Craig.
We're 10 times gayer than you!
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94. Oh, yeah? We're super-duper
triple-dog gay!
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95. Oh, yeah?
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96. We're ultra-super-stamp-it-
stamp-it-no-erasies-mega gay!
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97. What's all this fighting about,
children?
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98. These guys are trying to say
they're gayer than us!
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99. Oh, no!
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100. Don't tell me you children
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101. have taken up this whole
metrosexual fad, too.
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102. Oh my God.
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103. This is not a fad.
This is who we are.
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104. No, it isn't.
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105. Last year, you children
were all trying to be black.
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106. Now you're all trying to be gay.
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107. We're metrosexual!
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108. Maybe, but you'll never be
as metrosexual as us.
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109. Come on, fags.
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110. God, I hate Craig!
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111. That son of a — gah.
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112. Chef... I don't feel
very metrosexual.
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113. Well, then don't buy into
this fad, Kyle.
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114. Be who you are, not what's cool.
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115. All right, children.
Let's take our seats.
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116. Good morning, Mr. Garrison.
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117. Well, d-don't you all look nice.
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118. Ooh. Timmy.
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119. Dude, what are you doing?
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120. I didn't feel comfortable
in that stuff, dude.
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121. I'm just being me.
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122. Ha!
Told you you guys were straight.
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123. We're not straight.
You're straight!
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124. You're straight!
- You're straight!
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125. You're straight like a freeway.
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126. What the hell is going on?
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127. You wish you were gay, Craig!
In your dreams!
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128. I'm not just gay.
I'm a catamite.
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129. S-So?
I'm half bisexual.
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130. Oh, stop it! You kids don't even
know what you're talking about!
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131. Eric, you're not half bi!
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132. I'm like a quarter bi.
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133. My grandpa was bi,
so that makes me quarter bi.
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134. What?
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135. It was the craziest thing
I've ever seen, Mr. Slave.
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136. All the children
were suddenly acting like
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137. being gay was cool.
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138. I mean, maybe we're not
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139. the only gay couple
in town anymore.
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140. Oh.
Jesus Christ.
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141. Look at that, Mr. Slave.
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142. Our cup runneth over.
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143. Jesus Christ.
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144. Mr. Garrison,
those are great pants.
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145. Thanks, Jimbo.
I really like your outfit, too.
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146. So — So, Jimbo, you want to
come back to my place
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147. with me and Mr. Slave?
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148. Uh, for what?
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149. Well, you know.
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150. No.
- Huh.
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151. Mr. Garrison.
Hey, doll.
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152. Oh, hey, Randy.
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153. You're looking ultra fabulous.
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154. Thanks.
You too.
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155. So, uh, Randy...
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156. you want me to give you
a hand job in the bathroom?
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157. N-No, thanks.
I'm — I'm not like that.
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158. Not — Not like that?
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159. How about some shiraz, guys?
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160. Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
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161. My pleasure, silly buns.
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162. Oh.
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163. Well, Mr. Tweek, why don't we,
uh, go back to my place?
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164. Why?
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165. Well, you know,
I was just thinking
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166. we could put on some music
and watch videos
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167. and pound Mr. Slave's
tight little ass.
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168. Ooh.
Jesus Christ.
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169. Oh! Goodness, no.
I-I'm straight.
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170. Straight?
Oh...
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171. Oh, what — Just what the hell
is going on here?
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172. Huh?
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173. Why won't anybody pound
Mr. Slave's butt?
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174. Well, we don't pound butt,
Mr. Garrison. We're straight.
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175. Those pants and those shoes
say you pound butt!
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176. Hey, now, that's not true.
My shoes don't say I pound butt.
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177. No, your shoes say you
take it in the butt.
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178. It's okay, Mr. Garrison.
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179. We've learned that gays
are totally cool.
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180. You're just one of us now.
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181. Yeah.
- Yeah.
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182. One of you?
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183. We spend our whole lives
trying not to be one of you!
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184. You can't do this to us!
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185. Have you guys seen this?
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186. It's a conditioner
that you can leave in,
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187. and it detoxifies the scalp.
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188. Wow.
Is that from Origins?
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189. Yeah. It's a charcoal-based
thing that —
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190. Hey, guys, you want to go
throw the football around?
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191. Guys, can I talk to you
over here for a second?
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192. Look, guys, a lot of the kids
in school are talking, okay?
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193. And they're spreading rumors
that we're not metrosexuals
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194. because we hang out with Kyle.
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195. Well, what can we do about it?
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196. We have no choice, you guys.
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197. We're just gonna have to kill
Kyle.
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198. What? That's stupid.
We wouldn't have to kill Kyle.
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199. We would just have to tell him
not to hang around us anymore.
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200. Oh.
You know, you're right, Stan.
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201. We just have to tell Kyle
not to hang around us anymore.
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202. Yeah. Wait. What?
- You hear that, Kenny?
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203. Stan thinks we should tell Kyle
not to hang around us anymore.
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204. I think he's right.
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205. Good luck telling him, Stan.
I know it won't be easy.
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206. Hey, butch boy.
Nice football you got there.
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207. When was the last time you had
a manicure, straight man?
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208. Yeah.
Let's see that hair.
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209. Look!
He's not even using any product!
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210. Hey, what's going on?
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211. Oh, here come the butch boys to
help their butchy little friend.
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212. He's not our friend.
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213. Stan?
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214. This playground is
for metrosexuals, macho man.
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215. Take your nonflaming ass
to some other school.
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216. Come on. Let's get him.
- Kick his ass!
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217. Kyle!
What happened to you?
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218. I got beat up at school...
for being different.
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219. What?
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220. Your classmates beat you up
for being a Jew?
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221. No!
For not being a metrosexual.
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222. Gerald!
Gerald, get down here.
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223. He-e-e-re I come!
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224. Oh, no!
Dad's metrosexual, too?
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225. Kyle!
You look terrible!
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226. The boys at school
beat him up, Gerald.
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227. Oh, really?
Well, don't you worry, Kyle.
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228. We can cover that black eye up
with some cream base,
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229. and the coat and pants
we'll bleach with an acid wash
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230. for a fun, vintage look.
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231. Aah!
Just leave me alone!
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232. There you go.
Now you look fabulous.
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233. You see that?
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234. A spray-on tan does wonders
for your look.
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235. Let's get down to the tango
class and learn some new steps.
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236. That does it!
I know what I have to do.
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237. Oh.
Hello, Mr. Garrison.
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238. Chef, can I talk to you?
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239. Sure.
Come on in.
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240. Thanks.
Come, slave.
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241. It's just awful, Chef.
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242. I used to feel like
an outsider,
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243. a totally different person
who stood out in this town.
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244. Now every straight guy
is acting gayer than me!
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245. Oh, Jesus.
Jesus Christ!
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246. Well, what do you want me to do
about it?
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247. Chef, what did you do when
white people stole your culture?
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248. Oh.
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249. Well, we black people
just always tried to stay
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250. out in front of them.
- How did you do that?
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251. Well, like with our slang.
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252. Black people always used to say
"I'm in the house"
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253. instead of "I'm here."
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254. But then white people all
started to say "in the house,"
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255. so we switched it
to "in the hizzouse."
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256. "Hizzouse" became "hizzizzouse."
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257. And then white folk
started saying that,
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258. and we had to change it to
"heezie," then "in the hizzle,"
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259. which we had to change
to "hizzle for zizzle."
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260. And now because white people
say "hizzle for zizzle,"
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261. we have to say
"flippity floppity floop."
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262. We don't have time
for all that, Chef.
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263. Oh, if only those "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy" people
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264. understood what they were doing.
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265. Wait.
That's it!
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266. I know exactly what to do!
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267. Come on, Mr. Slave!
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268. Let's get back to our
flippity floppity floop.
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269. Oh, no!
Damn it, don't call it that.
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270. One ticket to New York, please.
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271. You're going to New York alone?
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272. I'm going to see the "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy" people.
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273. Ooh! Great idea. They can help
you with those dated clothes.
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274. Ugh.
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275. Mr. Garrison?
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276. Kyle.
What are you doing here?
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277. I'm going to New York
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278. to kill the "Queer Eye
for the Straight Guy" people.
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279. What?
That's what I'm doing!
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280. Oh, no. They ruined my life.
I get to kill them first.
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281. They took gay culture
from real gays,
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282. and their asses are ours!
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283. I thought of it first!
- No, you didn't! No, you didn't!
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284. Did so! Did so!
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285. I thought of it yesterday!
- I thought of it two days ago!
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286. I thought of it
before you were born!
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287. Stop it, you two!
Stop it!
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288. Don't you see how crazy this is?
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289. Oh, you're right, Mr. Slave.
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290. We can both kill them together.
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291. Cool.
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292. Wow.
We look great!
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293. Yeah.
Let's see Craig outgay us now.
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294. Boys, boys, come on!
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295. There's a sale
down at Express for Men!
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296. Hey, guys, there's a sale
at Express for Men!
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297. Oh, my God!
- Sale at Express?
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298. Let's go!
- Let's go!
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299. You guys have got to see
these shoes I bought!
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300. Hurry, you guys!
The mall closes in seven hours!
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301. Oh, why can't we all live
at the mall?
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302. You know, I'm starting to think
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303. this whole metrosexual thing
isn't so great.
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304. I know what you mean.
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305. All my husband ever does now is
look at himself in the mirror.
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306. He cares more about how he looks
than how I look.
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307. I hope something happens soon
to put an end to this whole fad.
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308. Guys, you've done
a terrific job.
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309. "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
is our number-one show.
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310. What can I say?
We're fabulous.
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311. You guys are changing the world.
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312. And tomorrow,
we're gonna have you make over
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313. the president
of the United States!
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314. Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna faint.
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315. Room service.
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316. What? We didn't order
any room service.
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317. Oh. Well, the woman
at the front desk sent it up.
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318. Carol?
I'll have to check on this.
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319. Excuse me a minute, fellas.
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320. Clear!
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321. Okay, Mr. Slave!
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322. Jesus... Christ.
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323. Well, crap.
That didn't work.
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324. You better shut up, Craig.
- Everyone knows it's true.
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325. It is not!
- Is so.
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326. Craig, behave yourself.
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327. Yeah, Stanley.
What are you fighting about?
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328. Dad, Craig's trying to say
that his dad can outdress you.
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329. What? Son, that's a silly thing
to fight about.
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330. Yeah. Everyone already knows
I dress better than Randy.
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331. Oh, really?
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332. I mean, you do have the fashion
sense of a Japanese woman.
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333. Ooh!
- Ooh!
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334. Please, girlfriend.
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335. You look like some kind of
Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
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336. Oh, no!
- Burn!
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337. Oh, stop it.
Will you all just stop it?
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338. Look, you guys are
carrying this fad too far.
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339. Will you please stop acting
this way?
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340. You don't... like us
being metrosexual?
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341. No!
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342. Well, you know what I think?
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343. I think you're all metrophobic!
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344. Yeah!
- What?
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345. We shouldn't be fighting
amongst ourselves.
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346. We should be uniting
against metrophobes like these.
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347. This is crazy.
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348. Crazy, different, outcasts —
call us what you want.
Copy !req
349. But us metros are real people,
just like you.
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350. You can metro-bash us all you
want, but we're here to stay.
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351. Yeah, Mom.
We're proud of who we are.
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352. That's right — proud.
You know what I think, guys?
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353. I think we should have
a metrosexual-pride parade.
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354. Great idea, Eric —
raise metrosexual awareness!
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355. We can make floats and decorate
them with streamers and flowers.
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356. Mrph-mrph!
- Come on, fellas!
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357. Out of the malls
and into the streets!
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358. Out of the malls
and into the streets!
Copy !req
359. Out of the malls
and into the streets!
Copy !req
360. What the hell did that show do
to them?
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361. You sure you don't
want to press charges?
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362. That's okay, Officer.
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363. I think they learned
murder is wrong.
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364. Especially in those pants.
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365. Look, guys, we're sorry
we tried to murder you,
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366. but you have to stop
what you're doing.
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367. Are you crazy?
We're the hottest thing on TV.
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368. But don't you see the price?
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369. You're selling out
your own kind.
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370. Look, us gays have created
a lifestyle,
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371. a-a culture
that is uniquely ours.
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372. If we keep trying to make
straight people into us,
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373. we're gonna have no identity
left.
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374. Sorry, Charlie.
No sale.
Copy !req
375. But —
But this doesn't make sense!
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376. How can gay men do this
to their own people?
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377. Unless... you're not gay at all.
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378. You just
had to push it, didn't you?
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379. Just had to
keep asking questions.
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380. Now you know the truth.
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381. They aren't gay?
Then what are they?
Copy !req
382. For a thousand years,
Copy !req
383. our kind have lived
beneath the earth's crust,
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384. banished by man
in the kindling wars.
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385. Oh my God.
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386. We are the crab people!
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387. Jesus Christ!
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388. Crab people... crab people.
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389. Crab people... crab people.
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390. Crab people... crab people...
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391. crab people.
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392. See now where we have been
forced to live
Copy !req
393. for a thousand years.
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394. But soon we shall rule
the land above,
Copy !req
395. and mankind will be gone!
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396. Gone?
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397. Crab people... crab people.
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398. Crab people are too small and
weak to take over man by force,
Copy !req
399. and so we came up
with our perfect plan.
Copy !req
400. Crab people...
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401. If you
can't beat man, change man.
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402. I knew it.
Copy !req
403. I knew gay people would never
do this to their own kind.
Copy !req
404. When all the world
is metrosexual,
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405. the crab people
shall finally reign supreme!
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406. Crab people... crab people.
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407. Tastes like crab,
talk like people.
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408. Crab people.
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409. You'll never turn me
into a metrosexual!
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410. I like being a dirty,
filthy little boy!
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411. Very well.
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412. If we can't make you
into metrosexuals,
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413. then we will make you
into crab people.
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414. Take them!
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415. Crab people.
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416. Crab people.
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417. Crab people.
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418. Tom, I'm standing in South Park,
Colorado,
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419. where the first annual
Metrosexual Pride Parade
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420. is under way.
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421. Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
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422. Yeah!
- Metro pride!
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423. We're here! We're not queer!
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424. But we're close!
Get used to it!
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425. We're here!
We're not queer!
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426. But we're close!
Get used to it!
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427. That does it.
I can't take it anymore!
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428. I should have never wished
for a cleaner, neater husband.
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429. Ladies, get your things.
I know what we have to do.
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430. Whoa!
Look out!
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431. Oh, my God!
It's on fire!
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432. Put it out!
Put it out!
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433. I can't do anything.
These are brand-new pants.
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434. The heat could really damage
our hair.
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435. We'd better let the police
handle this.
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436. Are you crazy?
I just had my uniform pressed.
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437. Oh, Jesus! It's burning!
- Oh, my God!
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438. Put it out! Put it out!
- Jesus!
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439. Fire!
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440. Mr. President, it is such
an honor to make you over.
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441. Now, we've got to do something
with your hair.
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442. And your nails are filthy.
Let's get those clean.
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443. This is gay gold!
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444. Stop them!
They're crab people!
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445. They cannot see or hear us,
foolish man.
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446. Now stand by and watch
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447. as your pitiful race
becomes helpless!
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448. That is very good,
Mr. President.
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449. Now put on this silk jacket.
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450. No, Mr. President!
Don't do it!
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451. Help!
- You bastards.
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452. That looks great.
Now, how about some moisturizer?
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453. There they are!
Get 'em!
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454. What?
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455. You turned our husbands
into whiny little wusses!
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456. It's payback time!
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457. Oh, my God!
What are they doing?
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458. No! No!
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459. Wha— What have you done?
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460. We're sorry,
but we didn't have a choice.
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461. You see, at first we liked
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462. having our men be clean
and neat.
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463. We thought that having them
use product in their hair
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464. and wanting facials
would make them sexier,
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465. but it doesn't.
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466. That's right.
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467. Even though my Stephen
sicks me out sometimes,
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468. it's his rugged, manly grossness
that I'm attracted to.
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469. We're sorry, but we knew
that the only answer
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470. was to kill
the "Queer Eye" guys.
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471. Well, you're going to jail for
th—
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472. Wait a minute. What is that?
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473. No!
Our evil plans!
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474. No.
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475. Oh my God.
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476. They were crab people.
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477. Yes!
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478. They were trying to
systematically make men
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479. into wusses so they could
take over the world.
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480. Mom!
- Kyle!
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481. I should have known
they were crab people.
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482. They tried this before
with "The Jeffersons".
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483. So now can you please change
your network's programming?
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484. Yes.
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485. Yes.
I think this gay fad is over.
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486. Gentlemen, back to studio 12.
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487. We're gonna bring back
the Latin fad.
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488. Hey, eses.
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489. Hey, jefe.
You want some cerveza?
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490. Kyle.
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491. Hey, ese, you want to come
play catch with us?
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492. What? You want me to hang out
with you?
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493. Yeah, it's cool, homes.
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494. No, dude, it really isn't cool.
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495. You all turned your backs on me.
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496. You're supposed to be my
best friends, and you just —
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497. you treated me like nothing.
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498. And now you all expect me
to just forget it all
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499. and hang out with you again
like nothing happened?
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500. Oh, Jesus, Kyle. Don't be
such a whiny little gaywad.
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501. Come play catch with us.
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502. Yeah.
Don't be such a fag, dude.
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503. God damn it.
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