1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
2. M'kay, kids.
Can I have it quiet, please?Copy !req
3. M'kay.Copy !req
4. M'kay. Quiet now.
The assembly is about to start.Copy !req
5. M'kay.Copy !req
6. Uh, quiet, m-m'kay.Copy !req
7. Okay.Copy !req
8. Uh, now, kids, we have a really
fun motivational group todayCopy !req
9. who are gonna talk to youCopy !req
10. about the dangers of smoking,
m'kay.Copy !req
11. So please give a very big
South Park Cows welcome to...Copy !req
12. Butt Out!Copy !req
13. Whoo-hoo!
- All right!Copy !req
14. Get those hands up!Copy !req
15. Get those hands up!
- Come on!Copy !req
16. Clap!Copy !req
17. Oh, no.Copy !req
18. Yeah!
- All right! Whoo!Copy !req
19. Hey, students!
How are we all feeling today?Copy !req
20. Whoo!Copy !req
21. Hey, did you guys know
that each yearCopy !req
22. over 600,000 people a year
die from smoking... a year?Copy !req
23. 600,000?Copy !req
24. Are you sure
you're not just blowing smoke?Copy !req
25. Blow smoke? Us?
No way!Copy !req
26. Because we don't
need to smoke —Copy !req
27. and neither do you, right, kids?Copy !req
28. Butt out!Copy !req
29. Break it down!Copy !req
30. Freestyle!Copy !req
31. Vernon!Copy !req
32. Kyle!
- Kyle!Copy !req
33. Dude, this is unbearable.Copy !req
34. I'm going to kill myself.Copy !req
35. - Randy!
- Randy!Copy !req
36. Pam!Copy !req
37. Do-o-o-n't smo-o-o-ke!Copy !req
38. Whoo-hoo!
- All right!Copy !req
39. You guys,
Kenny's eating his own hand.Copy !req
40. Hey, what's the big deal?Copy !req
41. I like smoking,
and it makes me cool.Copy !req
42. Oh, really?Copy !req
43. Do you think lung cancer
is cool, too?Copy !req
44. What about emphysema?
Is that cool?Copy !req
45. And what about abortion
and AIDS?Copy !req
46. Pfft. That's nones the cool.
- Word.Copy !req
47. Yeah, so butt out.Copy !req
48. Oh, Jesus Christ.Copy !req
49. Remember, kids, if you smoke,Copy !req
50. you could grow up
to be a failure.Copy !req
51. Worse yet,
you could grow up to be dead!Copy !req
52. So don't believe what those evil
tobacco companies tell you.Copy !req
53. Yeah, because if you don't
smoke, you can grow up to be...Copy !req
54. Just like us!Copy !req
55. Here. Give me another one.Copy !req
56. Oh, dude, this is really hard.Copy !req
57. Oh, shit.
Here comes Mr. Mackey!Copy !req
58. Throw 'em away!Copy !req
59. Dude, here he co—Copy !req
60. Got to stop coughing.Copy !req
61. Boys, what are you doing
back here?Copy !req
62. I asked you a question.Copy !req
63. What are you doing
back here, m'kay?Copy !req
64. Nubbi'.Copy !req
65. What?Copy !req
66. Nubbi' — Nu—
Nubb—Copy !req
67. Aah! Sick!Copy !req
68. Gross, dude!Copy !req
69. Well, hey,
if I didn't know any better,Copy !req
70. I'd think you boys
had been smoking!Copy !req
71. No.
No, Mr. Mackey.Copy !req
72. We don't have any cigarettes.Copy !req
73. Well, you'd better not.Copy !req
74. Because let me tell you
something about smoking.Copy !req
75. Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay.Copy !req
76. And, uh, if you start smoking
at an early age, m'kay,Copy !req
77. I-it's gonna be bad.Copy !req
78. M'kay?Copy !req
79. Because, uh, smoking can lead to
all kinds of health problems,Copy !req
80. like cancer.Copy !req
81. M'kay, and let me tell you
something about cancer, m'kay.Copy !req
82. Uh, cancer's bad.
M'kay?Copy !req
83. And, uh — What —
What the...Copy !req
84. Holy shit, m'kay!Copy !req
85. Aah!
Jesus Christ!Copy !req
86. Whoops.Copy !req
87. Well, you boys have
certainly done it this time!Copy !req
88. We're sorry.Copy !req
89. Not as sorry
as you're going to beCopy !req
90. when your parents get here —
Ah. Here they come now.Copy !req
91. Oh, God.Copy !req
92. Come on in.Copy !req
93. Stanley, what did you do
this time?Copy !req
94. You'd better brace yourselves,
parents.Copy !req
95. The boys were caught... smoking.Copy !req
96. Smoking?Copy !req
97. No.
It can't be.Copy !req
98. My son is not a filthy smoker.Copy !req
99. Mom... Dad, it was just —Copy !req
100. I don't have a son!Copy !req
101. Eric! You've done a lot of
horrible things in your life.Copy !req
102. But smoking?Copy !req
103. You're grounded for three weeks.Copy !req
104. Three weeks?
Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
105. Haven't you boys heard anything
about how harmful smoking isCopy !req
106. to you and those around you?Copy !req
107. Of course they haven't,Copy !req
108. because the tobacco companies
have gotten to them first.Copy !req
109. This is really their fault.Copy !req
110. Yeah!
This is really their fault.Copy !req
111. No matter how much money
the antismoking groups spend,Copy !req
112. the tobacco companies are there
to fill our children's headsCopy !req
113. with lies and propaganda
that make them want to smoke.Copy !req
114. Yeah, huh?Copy !req
115. It's like the tobacco companies
have control of my mind.Copy !req
116. No. Must fight it.Copy !req
117. Tobacco companies making me
want to smoke.Copy !req
118. Oh, my goodness.
I had no idea.Copy !req
119. Are you okay, sweetie?Copy !req
120. Well, those Goddamn
tobacco companiesCopy !req
121. aren't gonna have control
over my kid!Copy !req
122. I say we bring them down!Copy !req
123. We need the help of the greatestCopy !req
124. antismoking celebrity
that ever lived — Rob Reiner.Copy !req
125. Who's Rob Reiner?Copy !req
126. I don't understand it.Copy !req
127. I pushed a law for higher taxes
on cigarettes.Copy !req
128. I lobbied to get images
of cigarettesCopy !req
129. removed from movies and art.Copy !req
130. I forced smokers out of bars
and parks.Copy !req
131. But still I get letters
from parentsCopy !req
132. saying their kids are doing it.Copy !req
133. Apparently,
people still don't understandCopy !req
134. how bad smoking is for them.Copy !req
135. Don't they know how dangerous
it is to their health?Copy !req
136. Don't they know the hazard
of secondhand smoke?Copy !req
137. According to the letter, sir,Copy !req
138. the town has a tobacco company
quite near them.Copy !req
139. Yeah.
That must be it.Copy !req
140. The tobacco companies,
with their millions of dollarsCopy !req
141. and their slick desks
and fancy buildings —Copy !req
142. They're the ones
making children want to smoke.Copy !req
143. They're the ones hurting
our nation's health.Copy !req
144. I will not stand by
and see the children of AmericaCopy !req
145. corrupted by those bastards!Copy !req
146. This is war!Copy !req
147. You guys, maybe we should
come clean right nowCopy !req
148. and tell everyone it wasn't
the tobacco companiesCopy !req
149. that made us want to smoke.Copy !req
150. What?
- Why? It's perfect.Copy !req
151. If everyone's blaming
the tobacco companies,Copy !req
152. then nobody's blaming us.Copy !req
153. Yeah.
What's the problem?Copy !req
154. It's just that this seems like
another one of those timesCopy !req
155. when things are gonna get
way out of hand.Copy !req
156. It's been happening a lot
lately.Copy !req
157. How about this time we just
put a stop to it right now?Copy !req
158. You don't want to be grounded
for three weeks, do you?Copy !req
159. Yeah. Don't worry, dude.Copy !req
160. Things aren't gonna
get out of hand.Copy !req
161. Here he comes!Copy !req
162. Damn it.Copy !req
163. Butter!Copy !req
164. Butter!Copy !req
165. What'd he say?Copy !req
166. Butter!Copy !req
167. Hello, South Park!Copy !req
168. It is so nice to see
an entire town come togetherCopy !req
169. to fight for good health.Copy !req
170. And I'm gonna help you!Copy !req
171. These poor, innocent childrenCopy !req
172. have been seduced
into smoking tobacco.Copy !req
173. So I say we fight fire
with fire!Copy !req
174. We're gonna use these childrenCopy !req
175. to bring the tobacco company
down!Copy !req
176. Oh, no.Copy !req
177. All right, kids.Copy !req
178. Here's what we're gonna do.Copy !req
179. We're gonna sneak you
into the tobacco companyCopy !req
180. by saying you kids want a tour
for a school paper.Copy !req
181. Once you're inside, I'm gonna —Copy !req
182. I'm gonna take photos,
and then we'll publish them,Copy !req
183. saying that the tobacco company
invited you overCopy !req
184. to seduce you into smoking.Copy !req
185. Got it?
- Got it!Copy !req
186. But... isn't that kind of lying?Copy !req
187. We're just leveling
out the playing field.Copy !req
188. The tobacco companies lie to you
about the dangers of smoking.Copy !req
189. If we're gonna take them down,
we've got to lie right back.Copy !req
190. Oh my God!Copy !req
191. Excuse me!Copy !req
192. Yes?Copy !req
193. Would you mind putting
that death stick out?Copy !req
194. But, uh, this is a bar.Copy !req
195. Isn't smoking illegal
in bars here?Copy !req
196. Not in Colorado.Copy !req
197. Oh, my God!Copy !req
198. What kind of backward hick state
is this?Copy !req
199. Look, man, I work 14 hours a day
at the sawmill.Copy !req
200. I just got off work,
and I need to relax.Copy !req
201. Well, when I relax, I just go
to my vacation house in Hawaii.Copy !req
202. I ain't got a vacation house
in Hawaii.Copy !req
203. Y-Your vacation house in Mexico,
then — whatever it is!Copy !req
204. Look, you are putting my life
and these boys' lives in dangerCopy !req
205. by smoking that in here.Copy !req
206. And I am not gonna tolerate it!Copy !req
207. I will end smoking in bars
in Colorado.Copy !req
208. There will be no more smoking!Copy !req
209. Isn't he awesome, you guys?
- What?Copy !req
210. Dude, he just goes around
imposing his will on people.Copy !req
211. He's my idol.Copy !req
212. All right, boys.Copy !req
213. Just do what I tell you,Copy !req
214. and we'll be able to sue this
tobacco company for $2 billion.Copy !req
215. As soon as we get
into the main facility,Copy !req
216. I'll snap the photo of you kids,
and we can all run out.Copy !req
217. Think you can handle it?
- Handle it?Copy !req
218. For $2 billion, I'd handle
my grandpa's balls, sir.Copy !req
219. All right.
Great.Copy !req
220. Okay.
Now watch yourselves, kids.Copy !req
221. These tobacco-company people
will do anythingCopy !req
222. to get you hooked on smoking.Copy !req
223. They are liars,
and they are frauds.Copy !req
224. Can I help you?Copy !req
225. Yes. My name is Rita Poon.Copy !req
226. I called about my boys
wanting a tour.Copy !req
227. Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon.Copy !req
228. My name's Kevin Harris,Copy !req
229. and I'm the vice president
of Big Tobacco.Copy !req
230. Well, hello, Mr. Harris.Copy !req
231. Well, come on in.Copy !req
232. How about a little history
first?Copy !req
233. Native Americans were the first
to cultivate the tobacco plant.Copy !req
234. They smoked it in pipesCopy !req
235. for medicinal
and ceremonial purposes.Copy !req
236. Not if I were around,
they wouldn't have.Copy !req
237. Excuse me?Copy !req
238. Oh, nothing!
Please continue.Copy !req
239. The first successful
commercial crop of tobaccoCopy !req
240. was cultivated in Virginia
in 1612.Copy !req
241. Within seven years,Copy !req
242. it was one of the country's
largest exports.Copy !req
243. So tobacco helped to build
America.Copy !req
244. That's right.Copy !req
245. Over the next few centuries,Copy !req
246. the tobacco business
was so greatCopy !req
247. that many slaves were brought
from AfricaCopy !req
248. to help work the fields.Copy !req
249. Which means
if it weren't for tobacco,Copy !req
250. many of our black friends
wouldn't be here today.Copy !req
251. And so for centuries,
tobacco production flourished.Copy !req
252. Nobody was even aware
of any dangers back then,Copy !req
253. until, in 1965,
when Congress passed an actCopy !req
254. forcing all tobacco companiesCopy !req
255. to put the Surgeon General's
warning on their packages.Copy !req
256. So now everyone knows
the dangers of smoking,Copy !req
257. and some people
still choose to do it,Copy !req
258. and we believe that's what
being an American is all about.Copy !req
259. That sounds
perfectly reasonable.Copy !req
260. And here's our factory at work.Copy !req
261. Well, I guess that's the end
of our tour.Copy !req
262. Oh. Here, boys.
Let me get your picture.Copy !req
263. Got it!
Ha!Copy !req
264. You bastards are going down now!Copy !req
265. What?
- I'm not Rita Poon.Copy !req
266. I'm Rob Reiner!
And you've just been Reinered!Copy !req
267. Come on, boys!
Let's make our escape!Copy !req
268. Don't you try and stop us!Copy !req
269. Oh!Copy !req
270. Oh, my God!Copy !req
271. Oh, boy.
That was great, kids.Copy !req
272. Those people at the tobacco
company all seem really nice.Copy !req
273. Yeah. You see that?
They got into your head.Copy !req
274. Now you kids can meet
some good, decent people —Copy !req
275. the folks who work
to get smoking banned.Copy !req
276. This is how we get rid
of smokers.Copy !req
277. We go state to state and do
things like use bogus studiesCopy !req
278. and make expensive commercials
to get the public on our sideCopy !req
279. and force cigarette smokers
to stop.Copy !req
280. Wow.
It's like —Copy !req
281. It's like smoking brings a lot
of people just a little of joy,Copy !req
282. and you get to take that
away from them.Copy !req
283. You are so awesome.Copy !req
284. Here you go, Bob.Copy !req
285. This is Mr. Valkri.
He does all our Photoshop work.Copy !req
286. Now all we have to do
is photoshop cigarettesCopy !req
287. into your hands — and bingo!Copy !req
288. When this hits the papers,
the tobacco company is screwed!Copy !req
289. But, dude,
you're making stuff up.Copy !req
290. You kids need to understand
something, okay?Copy !req
291. Sometimes lying is okay,Copy !req
292. like when you know what's good
for people more than they do.Copy !req
293. Oh, my God. That is exactly
what I've always said.Copy !req
294. I love this guy.Copy !req
295. Mr. Reiner,
your bill to have smokingCopy !req
296. outlawed in bars here
didn't pass.Copy !req
297. What?Copy !req
298. God damn it!Copy !req
299. What the hell is wrong
with people in this state?Copy !req
300. Apparently, several people here
still believeCopy !req
301. there's no proof
secondhand smoke can kill you.Copy !req
302. They want proof?Copy !req
303. All right.
We'll give them proof!Copy !req
304. Boys, I need one of you
to act in a commercial for us.Copy !req
305. We'll shoot it tomorrow.Copy !req
306. Wow!
A commercial?Copy !req
307. You boys decide which one of you
would be best for the part.Copy !req
308. All right, people!Copy !req
309. We got to get moving on the bill
to ban smoking in parks here!Copy !req
310. Let's go!Copy !req
311. God.
He's just the best!Copy !req
312. Mr. Reiner,
can I get you a muffin?Copy !req
313. Or — Or a cold drink perhaps?Copy !req
314. You guys, I think we should
bail out of this right now.Copy !req
315. Huh?Copy !req
316. I just know
where this is heading.Copy !req
317. It's gonna end up with the whole
town taking this too farCopy !req
318. and us having to talk about
what we learnedCopy !req
319. to change everyone's minds.Copy !req
320. I say we just stop it right now
and go play cards or something.Copy !req
321. Mrph rmhmhm rm!Copy !req
322. Yeah.
Maybe you're right.Copy !req
323. So, gentlemen,
looks like only one of usCopy !req
324. gets to be
in the commercial, huh?Copy !req
325. Who will it be?Copy !req
326. Gentlemen, the game is on.Copy !req
327. Go ahead. We don't want to be
in their stupid commercial.Copy !req
328. Huh?
Oh, I get it, Kyle.Copy !req
329. That's your Serbian-Jew
double bluff —Copy !req
330. make me think you don't care
about being in the commercialCopy !req
331. so maybe I won't either.Copy !req
332. Oops.
Didn't work, did it, Kyle?Copy !req
333. No, we really want nothing more
to do with these people.Copy !req
334. Sure you don't, Kyle.
Oh, and neither do I.Copy !req
335. I know what
you're gonna say next.Copy !req
336. "How about none of us
show up tomorrow to do it?"Copy !req
337. And I'm supposed to agree
so that tomorrowCopy !req
338. you can waltz in all by yourself
and do the commercial.Copy !req
339. That's Serbian-Jew double bluff,
and it ain't gonna work on me.Copy !req
340. Heh heh heh.Copy !req
341. Only one of us can be
in the commercial, gentlemen.Copy !req
342. The game... is on.Copy !req
343. Sorry, Kyle, but I'm afraid
only one of usCopy !req
344. will be showing up to do the
commercial tomorrow!Copy !req
345. Thought you had me with your
Serbian-Jew double bluff.Copy !req
346. Well, let's see you try
to open this door now.Copy !req
347. What are you doing?Copy !req
348. Oh.
Hello, Kyle.Copy !req
349. Oh — Oh, man.
Wait. This isn't my house.Copy !req
350. Cartman, you go ahead
and do the commercial tomorrow.Copy !req
351. But I'm warning you —Copy !req
352. Those antismoking people
are liars and they're bulliesCopy !req
353. who will stop at nothing
to get what they want,Copy !req
354. and that means
they're dangerous.Copy !req
355. Nice try, Kyle!Copy !req
356. Let's see you try to get
through this door now.Copy !req
357. Okay, Eric.
This is gonna be real simple.Copy !req
358. All you got to do
is just read the wordsCopy !req
359. on the Teleprompter here.Copy !req
360. Okay.Copy !req
361. Let's see how the tobacco
companies deal with this.Copy !req
362. All right. Roll camera.
Roll the Teleprompter.Copy !req
363. And whenever you're ready, Eric.Copy !req
364. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
365. You know, some people say
there's no proofCopy !req
366. that secondhand smoke kills.Copy !req
367. The tobacco companies say
there's no proofCopy !req
368. that secondhand smoke kills.Copy !req
369. I've just been diagnosed
with terminal lung cancer.Copy !req
370. I guess... I'm the proof.Copy !req
371. The next time
you want to believeCopy !req
372. that secondhand smoke
doesn't kill, think about me.Copy !req
373. Because by the time you see
this commercial, I'll be dead.Copy !req
374. Dead?Copy !req
375. And cut! Great! We got it.Copy !req
376. Wrap out, people.
That was fantastic.Copy !req
377. Uh, what — what does that mean,
"I'll be dead"?Copy !req
378. Hey, uh, what —
what was that "dead" part?Copy !req
379. That was very good, Eric.Copy !req
380. Here.
Eat this cupcake.Copy !req
381. Uh, no, thanks.
I'm not hungry.Copy !req
382. But you are.Copy !req
383. Just eat this one cupcake.Copy !req
384. It has sprinkles.Copy !req
385. I'm not eating the cupcake.Copy !req
386. Eric, do you know
what a hero is?Copy !req
387. A hero is somebody
who sacrifices himselfCopy !req
388. for the good of others.Copy !req
389. You can be a hero, Eric.Copy !req
390. All you have to do
is eat the cupcake.Copy !req
391. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
392. Aah!
- Hey!Copy !req
393. What are you doing, Cartman?Copy !req
394. They're going to kill me!Copy !req
395. Who's going to kill you?Copy !req
396. The antismoking people!Copy !req
397. They had me say I died
from secondhand smoke,Copy !req
398. and now they want to sacrifice
me to make it look real!Copy !req
399. They'll stop at nothing!Copy !req
400. Well, get away from us, then.Copy !req
401. Yeah, dude.
Don't get us killed, too.Copy !req
402. You guys have to help me!
- No, dude! Get away!Copy !req
403. Please, you guys!
I don't know what to do!Copy !req
404. Stop it, Cartman.
Go die on your own.Copy !req
405. If I go, you guys go!Copy !req
406. Dad!Copy !req
407. What?Copy !req
408. The antismoking people
are trying to kill Cartman,Copy !req
409. and he won't stay away from us.Copy !req
410. Don't be ridiculous, boys.Copy !req
411. The antismoking people are kind,
caring, and intelligent.Copy !req
412. Your heads
have just been corruptedCopy !req
413. by the lies
of the big tobacco companies.Copy !req
414. Hey!
Maybe that's it, you guys.Copy !req
415. Maybe the tobacco company
can help us.Copy !req
416. Help you, fat-ass. We weren't
in the commercial, remember?Copy !req
417. Yeah. Go to the tobacco company
yourself.Copy !req
418. That's fine! I thought
you guys were my friends!Copy !req
419. But I guess I was wrong.Copy !req
420. Yeah, dude.
You were totally wrong.Copy !req
421. Mrph rm.Copy !req
422. You guys, I am seriously
getting pissed off now!Copy !req
423. Now, come on. We're going
to the tobacco company!Copy !req
424. Oh, all right.
- No!Copy !req
425. What we really should do
is go to our parents right nowCopy !req
426. and take responsibility
for smoking ourselves,Copy !req
427. even if it means
getting grounded.Copy !req
428. Why?Copy !req
429. Because if we go
to the tobacco company,Copy !req
430. I know exactly what'll happen.Copy !req
431. They'll take us in,
and then Rob Reiner will show upCopy !req
432. with all the townspeople
holding torches or something,Copy !req
433. and there'll be a big showdown
until we talk aboutCopy !req
434. what we learned
and change everyone's minds.Copy !req
435. This is all following a formula!Copy !req
436. So it's either deal with that
or be grounded for three weeks.Copy !req
437. God damn it.Copy !req
438. Give us the child!Copy !req
439. We will not!Copy !req
440. There!
You see that?Copy !req
441. The tobacco company
won't give us the kid!Copy !req
442. And do you know why?Copy !req
443. Because they know that
if they give us that kid,Copy !req
444. then we'll kill him —Copy !req
445. and when our commercial
goes on the air,Copy !req
446. it will lose them business!Copy !req
447. W-Wait a minute.
What?Copy !req
448. Yeah, when we kill the kid,
people are gonna thinkCopy !req
449. it's because of
secondhand smoke.Copy !req
450. And then these bastards
aren't gonna make money,Copy !req
451. and they know it!Copy !req
452. W-What the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
453. That's not right.Copy !req
454. Oh, God damn it.
Do I have to explain this again?Copy !req
455. Smoking is bad, people!Copy !req
456. So if we have to be a little
extreme to stop it, it's okay!Copy !req
457. No, it isn't, you fat turd!Copy !req
458. Because... I've learned
something today.Copy !req
459. You just hate —Copy !req
460. - See? I knew it.
- Yep.Copy !req
461. You just hate smoking, so you
use all your money and powerCopy !req
462. to force others
to think like you.Copy !req
463. And that's called fascism,
you tubby asshole.Copy !req
464. God damn it!
There will be no more smoking!Copy !req
465. It wasn't the tobacco company's
fault that we smoked.Copy !req
466. It was our fault — us.Copy !req
467. We should all take
personal responsibilityCopy !req
468. instead of letting fat fascists
like him tell us what to do.Copy !req
469. You're right, boys, m'kay.Copy !req
470. Yeah!
Let smokers smoke!Copy !req
471. Yeah!
- That's right!Copy !req
472. Hey, Mr. Reiner,
why don't you "butt out"?Copy !req
473. I'm warning you — Don't mess
with antismoking groups.Copy !req
474. I don't idolize you anymore,
asshole!Copy !req
475. My goo!
My precious goo!Copy !req
476. So, Kyle,
it wasn't the tobacco companyCopy !req
477. that made you want to smoke?Copy !req
478. No.Copy !req
479. Well, then you are grounded,
mister!Copy !req
480. You too, Eric.Copy !req
481. Aw!
Aww!Copy !req
482. Well, I guess
we learned our lesson.Copy !req
483. No, we didn't, dude.
No, we didn't.Copy !req