1. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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2. Aw, damn it!
- What?
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3. My Goddamn brother is trying to
follow me to school again!
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4. Suck my balls.
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5. No, Ike, you can't come
to school with me.
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6. Yeah!
Go home, you little dildo!
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7. Dude, for the last time,
don't call my brother a dildo!
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8. All right, go home, you little
semen-puking, asshole dickhead.
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9. Ow!
- Dude, sweet.
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10. Yeah. Check it out.
Ready, Ike?
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11. Kick the baby!
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12. Don't kick the Goddamn baby.
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13. Kick the baby.
- Waah.
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14. Ow.
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15. Whoa, Cartman.
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16. Looks like you didn't get
much sleep last night.
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17. That's because I was having
these bogus nightmares
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18. all night long.
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19. Really?
What about?
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20. Well, I dreamt that I was
lying in my bed, in the dark,
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21. when all of a sudden,
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22. this bright blue light
filled the room.
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23. And slowly my bedroom door
began to open.
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24. And the next thing I remember,
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25. I was being drug
through a hallway.
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26. Weak!
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27. Then these scary aliens
wanted to operate on me.
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28. They had big heads
and big, black eyes.
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29. Dude, visitors!
- Totally!
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30. What?
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31. That wasn't a dream, Cartman!
Those were visitors!
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32. No, it was just a dream.
My mom said so.
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33. Visitors are real.
They —
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34. Wait a minute.
This has all happened before.
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35. Yeah.
This does seem really familiar.
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36. What the Funk & Wagnalls
are you talking about?
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37. Cartman, don't you remember the
last time you had this dream?
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38. Shut up, you guys.
You're just trying to scare me.
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39. No, dude, this happened before!
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40. Aliens put some device in you,
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41. and we tied you up to a tree,
and you went up on their ship.
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42. You don't remember that?
- No, I don't remember that!
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43. You don't?
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44. No, because the aliens erased
my memory!
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45. I remember this whole thing.
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46. Ike tried to follow you
to school, you kicked him,
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47. then Cartman told us
about his alien dream.
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48. Yeah, and then Chef pulled up
in his car.
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49. Hello there, children!
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50. And then you said...
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51. What's gonna be
for lunch today, Chef?
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52. Well, today it's Salisbury steak
with hot buttered noodles...
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53. and a choice of green-
bean salad or vegetable medley.
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54. Weird.
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55. Say, did any of you children...
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56. see the alien spaceship
last night?
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57. What the...
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58. Chef, we're in a repeat!
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59. A repeat?
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60. Cartman was visited
by aliens again last night,
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61. and now it's like we're living
a repeat of a previous day!
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62. Oh, dude, I hate repeats.
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63. I've been feeling déjà vu
all morning, children.
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64. I knew something strange
was going on.
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65. It all started when Cartman got
an anal probe.
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66. We have to get Eric
to a proctologist right away.
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67. What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
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68. He's a doctor that specializes
in your asshole, children.
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69. You mean at some point
in this doctor's life,
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70. he decided he wanted to work
on people's buttholes?
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71. That's right.
- What a dick.
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72. Hello, everyone.
- Hello, Doctor.
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73. Thanks for seeing Eric
on such short notice.
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74. What seems to be the problem?
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75. We just want you to take a look
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76. and tell us
if you see anything abnormal.
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77. Other than its monstrous size.
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78. Shut up, Kyle!
Shut your goddamn mouth!
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79. All right.
Let's see here.
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80. Oh my God!
- What?
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81. Why, there's a huge crack
going right down the middle!
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82. Ha ha.
Very funny.
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83. Like we haven't heard that one
a zillion times.
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84. All right.
Let's take a look.
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85. Hey! Just what the hell
do you think you're doing?
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86. Eric, the doctor has to feel
inside your rectum.
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87. Afterwards, he'll probably have
to burn his hand and bury it.
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88. Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have
a guy's hand up my ass right now,
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89. I'd leap across the room
and kick you in the nuts.
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90. Uh — Ooh. Ehh.
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91. The prostate seems to be normal.
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92. No swelling
of the hormonal gland.
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93. Ooh.
- Oh, wait. What's this?
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94. Aah!
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95. Are you okay?
- Dude.
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96. You know that feeling
when you take a huge dump?
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97. Awesome.
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98. Well, Doctor?
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99. I've never quite seen this
before.
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100. Perhaps he just needs
some hemorrhoid cream.
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101. Aah! Aah!
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102. You all right?
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103. You know that feeling
when the huge dump you just took
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104. shoots back up inside your ass?
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105. No, I'm not all right!
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106. I've never seen a hemorrhoid
react this way.
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107. That wasn't no hemorrhoid.
It was an alien hoop-a-joop!
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108. Come on, children!
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109. We've got to get Eric
to some real help!
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110. Where to now, Chef?
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111. That thing inside Eric's asshole
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112. looked like some kind
of alien satellite dish.
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113. We need to see my friend
down at the space center now!
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114. You're the only person
I could think of
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115. who might be able
to help us, Jeff.
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116. How do we, uh, make it come out?
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117. Someone just has to activate it
like the proctologist did.
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118. Oh, no, no, no, no!
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119. Nobody is putting their finger
in my ass again.
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120. Unless it's Kyle.
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121. What? No way!
You do it, Kenny.
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122. Nope. It has to be Kyle.
- Go on.
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123. I'm not putting my finger
up Cartman's butt!
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124. Kyle, the fate of the world
may be at stake.
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125. Come, Kyle.
Do hurry.
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126. Go ahead.
It won't bite.
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127. God damn it, Cartman!
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128. I couldn't resist.
I'm sorry.
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129. Stop it, Cartman!
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130. Okay.
Okay, okay.
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131. God damn it!
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132. Oh, man, that was great.
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133. Okay, go ahead.
I'm all out of farts now.
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134. Durr!
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135. Mm!
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136. Okay, okay.
It's not funny anymore.
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137. Oh, yes, it is!
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138. Eric, that's enough!
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139. Okay, okay.
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140. Oh! Double psyche!
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141. That's it!
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142. I don't care about
the fate of the world! Screw it!
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143. Oh, nice going, Cartman!
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144. All right. All right.
I'm sorry.
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145. Go ahead, Kyle.
- No!
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146. No. Go ahead. I'm dry.
- You're lying!
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147. It stopped being funny
40 seconds ago, boys.
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148. Let's just get this over with.
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149. But it was one of the best times
I've ever had.
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150. Can I see this thing, please?
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151. Okay.
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152. Oh! God damn it!
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153. Okay. Now it's funny again.
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154. This is so awesome!
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155. I don't think I made it out
of that proctologist's office.
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156. I think I died
and went to heaven.
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157. That does it!
Charge!
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158. Aah!
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159. What's it doing?
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160. It — It's sending
a transmission of some kind.
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161. Got it.
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162. It's just sending images
of cities and people and stuff.
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163. Where is the signal
being sent to?
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164. Aah!
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165. I don't want to play anymore,
you guys.
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166. We went through all that just
for some gay video of Earth?
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167. We wanted to see an alien planet
or something.
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168. Whoever they are,
if they're receiving messages,
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169. they might be sending them, too.
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170. Wait a minute.
C-Candy bars.
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171. Candy bars?
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172. You — You know, candy bars.
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173. They usually come in a wrapper,
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174. just like you wrap
a Christmas present.
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175. Christmas happens
when it's cold.
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176. Cold, as in Alaska.
That's where the polar bears...
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177. Polar bears...
Pol — Polarity!
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178. I can switch the polarity
to see what transmissions
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179. are coming from the location
this one is being sent to!
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180. What the heck?
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181. They're coming in!
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182. What do we do?
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183. It's that guy you want!
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184. He's trying to reverse
your polarities!
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185. What?
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186. Aah!
Run, run, run!
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187. Get in the car, children.
Get in the car!
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188. What is that?
- Can you see anything, children?
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189. The aliens are chasing us!
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190. Goddamn aliens!
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191. Chef, end of the road!
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192. Hold on, children!
We have to ditch them!
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193. What are you doing, man?
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194. Looks like them boys
are getting a little fresh air.
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195. I think we ditched 'em.
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196. I don't think we're
out of the woods yet.
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197. Goot, goot!
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198. It's the police!
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199. That ain't no police!
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200. When do we get to eat?
I'm hungry.
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201. Chef!
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202. Ohh!
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203. Ha! Goddamn aliens!
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204. I beat you!
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205. Where'd you learn to drive,
aliens — Chinese auto school?
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206. Chef!
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207. You're lucky I didn't
just turn around
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208. and beat your white, skinny
alien asses anyway!
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209. Maybe next time
you'll remember to — Huh?
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210. Oh, crap!
Children!
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211. Chef!
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212. Well, it looks like
the boys are in more trouble
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213. than a June bug in molasses.
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214. And it's pretty thick molasses,
too.
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215. Uh...
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216. Ugh.
You guys, wake up!
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217. What the...
Where — Where are we?
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218. We're in the alien ship.
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219. Aah! Aah!
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220. I'm trapped inside
Helen Hunt's ass!
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221. Oh, God!
Help me, you guys!
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222. It's not Helen Hunt's ass.
It's an alien spaceship.
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223. Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank — thank you, Lord.
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224. You guys, look.
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225. Wow.
- Wow.
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226. Oh, my God.
Do you guys realize?
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227. This is only the second time
we've ever been in outer space.
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228. Yeah.
- Rmphm.
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229. This is like my fifth time.
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230. Uh-oh.
This must be the head alien guy.
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231. Mrph rmh!
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232. Hello, boys.
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233. Dad?
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234. No, not really.
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235. I just read your mind
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236. and thought this form might be
more pleasing to you.
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237. Oh, dude, don't do that.
That's gay.
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238. Yeah, that's like that
stupid movie Contact.
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239. Oh, God.
That movie pissed me off.
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240. Very well.
I shall show my true form.
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241. Blargh, blargh, blargh!
Blargh, blargh!
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242. Okay, okay! Take the form
of something else!
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243. How's this?
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244. Santa!
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245. No.
That's stupid, too.
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246. How about this?
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247. No.
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248. No.
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249. Ooh, very nice.
- No.
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250. No.
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251. Dy-no-mite!
- No.
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252. Jeff!
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253. The aliens took the children
up on their ship!
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254. Oh, no!
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255. Did you find out what
the aliens are up to?
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256. When I reversed the polarities,
I found this.
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257. It's a message that the aliens
are broadcasting
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258. throughout the entire universe.
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259. But I have no idea what it says.
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260. They took the children, Jeff!
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261. I have to know
what those aliens are up to!
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262. Wait a minute.
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263. Butt sex.
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264. Butt sex?
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265. Butt sex requires a lot
of lubrication, right?
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266. Lubrication...
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267. Lubra, chupa...
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268. Chupacabras, the — the
goat-killer of Mexican folklore.
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269. Folklore is stories
from the past
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270. that are often fictionalized —
fictionalized to heighten drama.
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271. Drama student!
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272. Students at colleges
usually have bicycles.
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273. Bi— Bi— Binary!
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274. It's binary code!
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275. Who's having butt sex?
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276. No.
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277. No.
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278. No.
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279. All right, Earthlings. What form
do you want me to take?
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280. How about a taco
that craps ice cream?
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281. Guys?
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282. I like it.
- Mrph rmh.
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283. All right. Then we can
get back to business.
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284. Follow me this way, Earthlings.
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285. I want to apologize to you boys
for all the spooky, scary stuff.
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286. We just needed to get to
the malfunctioning uplink relay.
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287. You mean the thing in Cartman's ass?
- That's right.
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288. See, there are dishes in over
50,000 Earthlings' rectums.
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289. Your friend's
has been malfunctioning.
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290. Why do you put them
into people's asses?
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291. Are you planning some kind
of alien takeover?
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292. Oh, heavens, no!
We're a production company.
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293. We make intergalactic
television programs
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294. that the whole universe watches.
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295. Television?
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296. We at Nerzod Productions
started 20 billion years ago
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297. with one philosophy —
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298. The best universal television
isn't scripted, it's real.
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299. We started with great shows like
"Who Wants to Marry a Gelgamek?"
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300. and "Antares 6 Millionaire".
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301. And then we had a big hit
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302. with "Get Me Outta Here,
I'm a Klingnanian!"
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303. But then, of course,
there's our signature show —
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304. the greatest universal
reality show of all time.
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305. Earth?
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306. A few billion years ago,
we realized —
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307. What if we took species
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308. from all different planets
in the universe
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309. and put them together
on the same planet?
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310. Great TV, right?
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311. Asians, bears, ducks,
Jews, deer, and Hispanics
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312. all trying to live
side by side on one planet!
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313. It's great!
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314. Our planet is just
a reality-TV show?
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315. You don't think
the whole universe
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316. works the way Earth does,
do you?
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317. No!
One species, one planet.
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318. There's a planet of deer,
a planet of Asians, and so on.
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319. We put them all together
on Earth,
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320. and the whole universe tunes in
to watch the fun!
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321. You mean you aliens
actually enjoy sitting around
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322. and watching us fight
and kill each other?
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323. Dude, that's messed up.
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324. Why?
- Why?
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325. You're playing
with people's lives!
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326. You're turning people's problems
into entertainment!
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327. Yeah!
We'd never do that on Earth!
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328. Ladies and gentlemen,
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329. we have recently come across
an alien transmission
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330. that is being beamed throughout
the entire universe.
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331. When decoded,
it looks like this.
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332. What does it mean?
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333. I-It's simple mathematical
language
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334. that can be understood
throughout the solar system.
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335. Translated into our language,
it looks like this.
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336. This Jannemon at 8:00,
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337. it's everyone's
favorite show — "Earth!"
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338. It's been 100 galgamars
since we first took species
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339. from 17 different planets
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340. and put them all together
on the same planet!
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341. Ur derp!
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342. They've fought
and fallen in love.
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343. What will happen this galgamar?
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344. Tune in Jannemon at 8:00
to find out!
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345. It's "Earth!" on FOGNL!
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346. I'm afraid that Earth —
a-all of Earth —
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347. is nothing but an intergalactic
reality-TV show.
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348. My God.
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349. We're famous!
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350. Wait.
Y-You don't understand.
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351. I'm on TV!
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352. I'm on TV!
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353. Oh, this is so awesome!
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354. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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355. Whoo-hoo!
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356. That should get the relay
working again.
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357. All right, Earthlings.
If you'll step over this way,
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358. we'll erase your memories
and get you back to Earth.
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359. Oh, excuse me.
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360. This is Nagix.
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361. Uh-huh.
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362. Oh, no.
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363. Oh, no.
Really?
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364. And it's — it's for sure?
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365. All right.
I'll break the news to everyone.
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366. No, no. I-I understand.
Thanks.
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367. Well, you kids can go back
to Earth if you want,
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368. but I'm afraid
it won't be there for long.
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369. The show's been canceled.
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370. What?
Who canceled us?
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371. The universal network heads.
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372. They say the Earthlings have
become aware of the show,
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373. so it won't be funny anymore.
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374. Oh, shit.
Did we do that?
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375. Everyone, can I have
your attention real quick?
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376. Uh, look, I just got a call
from the network,
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377. and I'm afraid "Earth!"
has been canceled.
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378. Aww!
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379. Now — Now, it was a great run,
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380. and I think we should all
be really proud.
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381. Let's call in
the demolition crew
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382. to strike the Earth
for resources.
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383. Wait! Wait!
They — They can't do this!
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384. Let us talk
to the network heads!
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385. Wouldn't do any good.
- Dude, we have to try!
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386. Please, take us to them.
Please!
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387. All right, kids. We'll take you
to the network heads.
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388. But I warn you — Nobody has
ever gotten the executives
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389. to uncancel a show
once the call has been made.
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390. Nobody.
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391. What the hell is that?
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392. There's a huge ship of some kind
in Earth's orbit.
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393. But why?
Wait a minute.
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394. Chaos theory!
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395. Chaos theory?
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396. Chaos theory.
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397. It was first thought of
in the '60s.
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398. 60 — That's the number
of episodes
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399. they made of "Punky Brewster"
before it was canceled.
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400. Canceled?
- Huh?
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401. Don't you see?
The show is over.
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402. The aliens are canceling Earth!
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403. Oh, my God.
We have to stop them!
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404. Welcome to planet FOGNL,
home of the Joozians,
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405. who control all media
in the universe!
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406. Can I help you?
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407. Oh, uh, we have a 3:00 meeting
with the network heads.
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408. Where are you visiting from?
- Uh, Earth.
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409. Ooh!
I watch that show all the time!
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410. Oh, sure!
Come on in, Earthlings!
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411. We're just checking out
our new show.
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412. We took 100 beings
from the planet Marklar
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413. and put them on an asteroid
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414. with sentient beings
from the Horsehead Nebula.
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415. It's a riot!
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416. They hate each other!
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417. "Mighty, powerful
network executives,
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418. we have come a great distance
in order to —"
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419. Ooh, I'm starving.
You Earthlings have haglar yet?
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420. Oh, yeah.
Let's do haglar.
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421. Where do you want to go,
Meroni's?
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422. Not on a Flakmar.
Too crowded.
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423. Ooh!
Blackafelch!
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424. Oh, Blackafelch!
Perfect!
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425. This place is fantastic.
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426. Look, we just want to talk
to you about the show.
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427. Please don't cancel us.
Please.
Copy !req
428. Oh, I'm sorry, Earthlings.
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429. But you have to realize,
the universe is a business.
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430. You made it to 100 episodes.
You should be proud.
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431. Yeah, a show should never go
past 100 episodes
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432. or else it starts to get stale
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433. with ridiculously stupid
plotlines and settings.
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434. Here's your order
of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah!
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435. But, sirs, we — we think our
show is just getting good.
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436. I mean, we're just now
starting to see people
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437. get really pissed off
at each other.
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438. Oh, my God.
This is great!
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439. You must have
some Joozian ancestry.
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440. Tell us about it.
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441. There's five billion people
on our show.
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442. You can't just up
and cancel on us.
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443. Oh, my God. Will you look
at the hekmas on that joozinek?
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444. Dude, we're trying to save
our planet here!
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445. Let's take the Earthlings
to a hekma bar!
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446. Oh, yeah!
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447. Oh, yeah.
Let's see those hekmas!
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448. Sirs, uh, if you'll —
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449. Oh, man, I am so wasted.
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450. Hey, you Earthlings want to try
a little glach?
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451. Oh, yeah!
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452. Oh, gluck, yeah!
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453. Kenny!
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454. Man, screw this place!
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455. Let's go get a hotel room
and a hooker!
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456. Oh, yeah!
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457. Yeah!
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458. We have to find a way
to stop those aliens!
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459. Oh, their ship is massive!
There's no way to stop it!
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460. Wait a minute.
Jackets!
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461. Oh, no.
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462. If people don't wear jackets,
they could get cold.
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463. A cold is caused by a virus.
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464. A virus...
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465. Computer virus!
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466. We could make a computer virus
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467. and send it to their ship
to disable their computers!
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468. That doesn't make
any goddamn sense!
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469. Oh, yeah, hooker!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
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470. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
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471. Boy, Earthlings,
is this a party or what?
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472. Oh, that's it, baby.
You're getting my jagon hard.
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473. Yeah.
Let's party.
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474. Yes, suck my jagon.
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475. Yeah.
Now you suck on my jagon.
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476. Oh, yeah! Stick your finger
in my thrusher.
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477. Oh, yeah, suck it!
Suck that jagon.
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478. Dude, I have no idea
what we're seeing right now,
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479. but I have a feeling
it's really, really wrong.
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480. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
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481. Oh, God.
My head.
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482. What did we do?
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483. Oh, man, I can't believe
I sucked your jagon.
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484. Oh, God!
We did suck each other's jagons.
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485. You kids won't tell anybody
about this, right?
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486. No.
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487. No.
Wait.
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488. We won't tell anybody
if you don't cancel our show.
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489. Ooh.
I knew that was coming.
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490. They've really got us
by the nezmins.
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491. The Earth show
can still be good.
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492. Just erase everyone's memory
so we don't know we're a show!
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493. I'm sure you'll see
that if you give our world time,
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494. it will become even more
outrageous and violent.
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495. There's even World War III
to look forward to.
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496. Then we won't have to show
anybody the picture
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497. of you guys
sucking each other's jagons.
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498. All right!
All right, Earthlings!
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499. You win.
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500. The show can stay on.
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501. All right!
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502. Just be sure to keep up the wars
and violence.
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503. Well, we've got a 5:00
with the Yurka producers.
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504. Nice meeting you, Earthlings.
Bye!
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505. Whoa, Cartman.
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506. Looks like you didn't get
much sleep last night.
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507. That's 'cause I was having
these bogus nightmares
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508. all night long.
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509. Mrph rmhmhm rm!
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510. - What the hell is that?
- Mrph rmh.
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511. Hello there, children!
- Hey, Chef.
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512. Chef, Kenny has a picture
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513. of two green things sucking
each other's shoulders.
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514. What is it, Chef?
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515. I don't know,
but something tells me
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516. this picture might be
very important, children.
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517. You should hang on to it.
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518. Attention, universe!
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519. Be sure to tune in next week
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520. for another exciting episode
of "Earth!"
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521. The Asians are really stewed
at the Russians.
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522. The zebras try to get along
with the buffalo.
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523. And Americans and Iraqis
have an all-out brawl!
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524. It's outrageous fun,
and it's all new!
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525. "Earth!" on FOGNL.
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