1. Oh cool, a preview!
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2. Coming this summer,
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3. It's the classic film
that changed america.
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4. "E.T. The extra-Terrestrial"!
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5. The new, redone version
for 2002!
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6. All the e.T. Effects have been
digitally upgraded.
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7. All the guns have been digitally
changed to walkie-Talkies.
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8. And the word "terrorist" has
been changed to "hippie".
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9. Aw, dude, why would
they do that?
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10. Yeah, hippies and terrorists
are the same thing.
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11. No, dude, spielberg changed
terrorist to hippie
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12. To make e.T. More p.C.
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13. That's gay.
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14. Coming this summer,
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15. It's the motion picture
that changed america.
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16. "Saving private ryan",
the re-Re-Release,
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17. Where the word "nazi"
has been changed to
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18. "Persons with political
differences".
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19. And all the guns have been
replaced by walkie-Talkies.
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20. Why the hell do these directors
keep updating their movies?
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21. And now for your
feature presentation!
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22. The classic re-Re-Re-Release
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23. Of "star wars: the empire
strikes back!
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24. Woo hoo!
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25. Aaaaaghhh!
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26. God dammit,
that pisses me off!
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27. Yeah, we want
our money back!
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28. Sorry, suckers!
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29. You asshole!
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30. Why don't they leave
those movies alone!
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31. We liked them the way
they were!
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32. Don't you see
what this means?
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33. All our favorite movies are
going to be changed and updated
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34. Until we can't even
recognize them anymore!
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35. Tweek is right.
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36. It isn't fair for those
asshole directors
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37. To keep changing their movies
and making them different!
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38. Movies are art and art
shouldn't be modified!
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39. Yeah, what if
they had modified
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40. The roman colosseum
every year?
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41. It would just be another
big "douchie" stadium now!
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42. We have to
do something!
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43. Let's form a club!
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44. Yeah, we could
form a club
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45. That takes food stamps
from poor people
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46. And then sells them back to
the government for a profit!
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47. No, fat-Ass!
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48. I mean a club to protect
films from their directors
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49. So they can't be
messed with!
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50. Yeah, we'll be the "save films
from their own directors' club".
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51. Yeah!
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52. No!
No, no!
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53. I don't wanna form a club!
That's too much pressure!
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54. Look, I'm supposed to
take it easy.
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55. Just watch the clouds,
sit in the grass.
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56. If we form a club there'll be
responsibilities,
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57. Commitments!
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58. Tweek, now god dammit,
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59. We picked you to
replace kenny
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60. Because we thought you were
a team player!
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61. I'm not!
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62. I'm not
a team player!
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63. Now either you stop with
these "faggotronics"
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64. Or we'll find someone
to replace you!
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65. Aaagh!
Oh, Jesus!
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66. Dude, that sign sucks,
nobody's gonna show up!
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67. What's wrong with it?
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68. Look at it, dude,
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69. You're not offering
any fabulous prizes.
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70. You have to offer
fabulous prizes
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71. If you want people to show up
for your stupid crap.
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72. Here...
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73. Free hat?
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74. Yeah, if you offer free hats,
maybe people will show up.
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75. But we don't
have hats!
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76. We can make them
out of paper.
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77. It's not hard, just stupid
little paper hats.
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78. People just need free stuff.
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79. Don't you guys
know anything?
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80. You see?
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81. First we were just forming a
club, now we have to make hats!
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82. Where does it end?
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83. Alright, let's go get
the gymnasium ready.
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84. Tweek, you go make
50 hats.
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85. 50 hats?
Oh Jesus!
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86. I'll never make it!
I'll never make it!
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87. Tweek!
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88. Calm down, son.
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89. Remember what
dr. Norris told you-
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90. Find your center.
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91. My center?
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92. My center.
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93. Calm... puppies.
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94. Tweek!
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95. Tweek!
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96. Tweeeeeekk!
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97. How many hats
have you made?
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98. Oh god!
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99. We only have until 10 a.M.
Tomorrow, get the lead out!
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100. Aagh, oh god!
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101. You guys,
we have a big problem!
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102. I was up all night
making hats-
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103. I only slept for an hour-
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104. And then I dreamt about
making hats!
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105. But I only made 15!
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106. Calm down, tweek.
15 might be enough.
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107. Yeah, let's see if anyone's
even shown up yet.
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108. Dude, there's like a thousand
people in there!
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109. A thousand?
Oh Jesus, man!
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110. I don't have nearly
a thousand hats!
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111. They're gonna kick
your ass, tweek!
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112. Tweek, it's okay!
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113. Look, maybe these people
all turned out
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114. Because they believe
in saving films!
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115. Maybe they don't even care
about the free hat!
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116. Free hat!
Free hat!
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117. Oh god!
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118. I told you guys-
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119. Never underestimate
the power of a free hat.
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120. I gotta move away,
you guys!
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121. Relax, tweek, we're just gonna
have to go in there
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122. And explain what happened.
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123. There are more important things
right now than free hats.
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124. Okay, uh, we wanna thank you
all for coming.
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125. We're really happy to see such
enthusiasm for our cause.
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126. Uh, one thing
before I continue:
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127. Unfortunately, we don't have enough
of the free hats for everyone.
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128. Uh, excuse me?
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129. Yes, we apologize,
but our friend tweek here,
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130. Didn't make
enough of them.
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131. Oh Jesus, don't
tell them it was me!
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132. We don't care about that.
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133. You don't?
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134. You mean you just came because
you believe in our cause?
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135. Yeah, free hat!
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136. What?
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137. Hat mccullough!
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138. He was sent to
prison in '82
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139. And we believe he should
be released!
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140. Yeah!
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141. Free hat!
Free hat!
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142. Okay, apparently, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding.
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143. This is a rally to save films
from their directors.
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144. To do what?
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145. We believe that films are pieces
of art that must be preserved
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146. From the perverse hands
of their aging filmmakers.
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147. Oh... sorry.
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148. Come on, everyone, guess
we're in the wrong place.
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149. Free hat!
Free hat!
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150. Wait, wait, wait!
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151. Don't you see what's happening
out there?
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152. The films that you all grew up
with, that touched your lives
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153. And are a part of your soul, are
now being updated and changed.
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154. Join us and we can be a group
that makes a difference!
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155. Can we also work towards
freeing hat?
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156. Uh, sure, and we'll also
try to free hat.
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157. Free hat!
Free hat!
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158. 212, 213, 214 members!
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159. You guys, you guys!
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160. Oh god!
I've got terrible news!
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161. What?
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162. Ted koppel wants us
to appear on "nightline"
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163. To talk about our cause!
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164. Really?
That's great!
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165. No, it isn't, man!
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166. That is way
too much pressure!
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167. If we go on nightline, the whole
country can hear about
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168. What's happening to
our classic films!
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169. Just remember that
I do all the talking.
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170. You? Why?
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171. Because I'm the
official spokesman.
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172. I got dibs on it.
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173. When did we do
dibs for it?
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174. Just now.
One two three- Dibs!
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175. Knee.
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176. Alright, fine, you're
the spokesman, cartman.
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177. But you better not
screw it up!
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178. What could
possibly go wrong?
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179. A new movement is
sweeping the country,
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180. Led by four determined boys
from south park, colorado.
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181. The organization was created
to protect hollywood's
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182. Classic films from the hands
of their directors,
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183. And also to free
hat mccullough.
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184. So boys, I'll ask you the question
that's on everyone's minds.
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185. Why does your organization want
to free hat mccullough,
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186. The convicted, confessed serial
murderer of 23 babies?
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187. I believe that can
best be answered
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188. By our official
spokesman, tweek.
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189. Agh!
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190. Well, hat mccullough admitted
he killed those toddlers,
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191. Why do you want him free?
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192. Oh, Jesus, man!
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193. Just answer me
this, tweek-
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194. What do you see as positive
about toddler murder?
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195. Uh, uh, it's...
it's easy?
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196. Yes, it is easy.
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197. Alright, then on to
your other cause.
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198. "Saving films from
their directors".
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199. What got you boys
interested in this?
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200. Especially given your
pro-Toddler murder status.
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201. We believe that films have to be
taken away from people like
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202. Steven spielberg and george
lucas because they're insane.
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203. I'm glad you said that, boys,
because joining us now
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204. Are steven spielberg
and george lucas!
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205. Oh christ, agh!
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206. Hello, ted.
Hi, ted.
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207. Gentlemen, these toddler murder
fans think that you're insane
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208. And shouldn't be allowed to
alter your films. Your response?
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209. Well, first of all,
both george and I
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210. Are very firmly against
the murdering of toddlers.
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211. Hear, hear.
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212. Dude, that's steven spielberg
and george lucas.
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213. Get me out of here!
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214. Please somebody get me
out of here!
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215. And as for
altering our films,
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216. All we're doing reaching a
new audience with our movies.
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217. As the makers of dreams, we like
to speak for the children.
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218. Uh, we thought we were
speaking for the children.
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219. Yeah, we're children.
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220. Look, if the beatles went back
and updated "the white album"
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221. Every few years,
what would we have now?
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222. Yeah, these guys are only
motivated by money, ted.
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223. How so?
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224. Think about it-
Jew.
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225. Jew.
Jew.
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226. Coincidence?
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227. I'm not a jew!
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228. You little brats- I mean,
you darling children
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229. Don't know what
you're talking about.
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230. Changing e.T. Was the
best thing I ever did.
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231. Dude, don't you see
that it's not?
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232. It'd be like changing
"raiders of the lost ark"!
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233. Wait a minute,
what did you say?
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234. That's brilliant!
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235. Yes, change raiders
of the lost ark,
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236. Why didn't we
think of it before?
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237. No! No!
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238. Members, this is our
darkest hour.
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239. We have just learned that
george lucas and steven spielberg
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240. Now intend to update and change
"raiders of the lost ark".
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241. There is only one way we can
stop this important,
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242. Historical piece of art
from being harmed.
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243. Mr. Secretary?
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244. Thank you.
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245. Our intelligence tells us that
the original negative
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246. To raiders of the lost ark
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247. Is currently somewhere
in george lucas' house.
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248. We need to find
and usurp that negative.
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249. And if we can get a hold
of the negative,
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250. They can't change
the movie?
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251. That's our
understanding.
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252. Sounds like
a good idea to me!
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253. I don't want them to change
raiders of the lost ark!
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254. Yeah!
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255. We should get that negative
as soon as we get hat free!
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256. Yeah!
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257. Free hat!
Free hat!
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258. No, no, we need to do
this first.
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259. But we have to free hat.
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260. It's just that, you know,
he killed 23 babies.
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261. Yeah, but it was
in self-Defense!
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262. Yeah!
Yeah!
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263. He killed 23 babies
in self-Defense?
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264. Hat was attacked maliciously
and unprovoked
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265. By a gang of babies
in westown park.
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266. When that many babies
get together
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267. They can be like piranha.
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268. Three eyewitnesses
testified that
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269. If hat hadn't killed those
babies, they'd a killed him!
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270. Yeah!
Free hat! Free hat!
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271. Alright, but right now
we gotta focus on
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272. Getting those original
prints of raiders.
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273. He's right,
we better split up.
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274. Some of you go with the boys
to get those film prints,
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275. The rest come with me
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276. To go talk to the governor
about freeing hat!
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277. Yeah!
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278. Free hat!
Free hat!
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279. Well, looks like we're gonna
have to do this ourselves.
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280. No, that's it!
I'm out!
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281. I can't deal with the stress
you guys create!
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282. We're just gonna
fly to california
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283. And break into george
lucas' house-
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284. What's stressful
about that?
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285. Aagh!
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286. Okay, tweek, let me
tell you something.
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287. You've been our new friend now
for two weeks, okay?
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288. And I've gotta be honest with
you, it isn't going well.
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289. People aren't that into you,
tweek, they find you annoying.
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290. Now I'd say you've got
one last shot here,
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291. And I don't want you
to blow it, okay?
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292. Does that help take
the stress off?
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293. Okay, go.
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294. I'm not breaking into
george lucas' house.
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295. I'm not breaking
into george lucas' house.
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296. I'm in a green field.
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297. Shut up, tweek, this is not
the time for "faggocity"!
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298. This looks like
the right room.
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299. I'm in a field,
surrounded by deer.
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300. Over here!
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301. That's it!
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302. Alright,
get it, tweek!
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303. Nu-Uh!
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304. Get it,
you piece of crap
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305. Before I grab your nutsack
and twist it!
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306. What are you doing?
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307. Oh god!
Oh Jesus!
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308. You're the boys from
that stupid club!
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309. Gimme that!
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310. Do with us
what you will, mr. Lucas,
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311. But please don't change
raiders of the lost ark.
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312. We're gonna
make it better.
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313. The movie is gonna be changed
and that is that!
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314. Alright, you asked for it.
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315. I'm afraid you
leave us no choice!
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316. It's time for plan b.!
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317. Aw, really?
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318. Oh god,
not plan b.!
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319. You have a heart
made of ice, mr. Lucas,
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320. So we're going to
melt your icy heart
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321. With a cool island song.
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322. Gentlemen?
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323. What?
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324. Hit it, tweek!
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325. Wait, wait!
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326. I thought we were gonna
cool his hot heart
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327. With a cool island song.
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328. No, he has a icy heart.
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329. But you can't melt ice with
a cool song, r-Tard!
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330. So we have to warm
his icy heart
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331. With a hot
island song?
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332. It's a cool island song!
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333. Then we're gonna end up
freezing his hellish heart
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334. With a cool island song.
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335. Aw, do we wanna
do that?
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336. Alright, that does it!
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337. Yes, thank you,
officer.
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338. The police are
on their way, boys.
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339. Soon you'll be in jail
getting rammed!
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340. Aagh!
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341. Those rams can do to us what
they will, mr. Lucas,
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342. But we'll never stop
trying to protect films!
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343. It's not too late
to do what's right.
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344. Give us the print.
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345. There's still some good
in you, mr. Lucas,
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346. We know there is!
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347. It is... too late
for me, boys.
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348. You yourself
led the campaign
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349. Against the colorization
of films.
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350. You understand why films
shouldn't be changed!
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351. That's different.
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352. These are my movies,
I made them,
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353. And I have the right to do
whatever I want with them.
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354. You're wrong,
mr. Lucas.
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355. They're not your movies,
they're ours.
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356. All of ours.
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357. We paid to go see them,
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358. And they're just as much a part
of our lives
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359. As they are of yours.
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360. When an artist creates,
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361. Whatever they create
belongs to society.
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362. Have I...
become so old
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363. That I've forgotten what
being an artist is about?
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364. Give the print to us so that we
can protect it from spielberg
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365. And anyone else
who wants to alter it.
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366. Perhaps...
you are right.
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367. Stop!
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368. What are you
doing, george?
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369. Steven, I-
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370. Give me that print,
george.
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371. We need to make
the alterations.
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372. Steven, these boys
had a point.
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373. I don't remember what
it was, but it was good.
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374. You haven't let these
doe-Eyed children
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375. Affect your judgment,
have you, george?
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376. Don't forget-
You belong to me.
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377. Don't listen to him!
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378. You still have a chance to
preserve your film!
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379. I'm...
I'm sorry, boys.
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380. Ha ha ha-Haaaa!
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381. Now, take the children
prisoner!
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382. What?
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383. You troublemakers shall be
my guests of honor
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384. At the premiere of the new
raiders of the lost ark!
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385. Your gay little club
is over!
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386. You,
steven spielberg!
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387. Come on, you guys!
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388. Oh my god, they're
gonna kill us!
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389. Don't even
think about it, kid!
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390. I'm not afraid to use
this walkie-Talkie.
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391. The one with the cocaine
problem escaped, mein director!
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392. Leave him!
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393. Let him run back
to his mommy.
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394. We must get the film ready
for the premiere.
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395. Lucas! Come!
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396. It's the digitally
re-Enhanced re-Release
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397. Of the very first, pilot episode
of "south park"!
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398. Yes, the classic, rough,
hand-Made first episode
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399. Is getting a makeover
for 2002!
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400. The simple, funny aliens are now
super bad-Ass and cool!
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401. The flying saucer?
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402. No longer cheap construction
paper- But a 4.0 megapixel
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403. Non-Drop digital masterpiece
of technology!
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404. Yes, everything's new.
New is better!
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405. When we first made
south park,
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406. We didn't want to use
construction paper,
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407. We just had to
because it was cheap.
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408. Now with new technology we can
finally re-Master south park
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409. To make it look sharp,
clean and focused.
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410. And expensive.
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411. Yes, all the charm of
the simple little cartoon
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412. Will melt before your eyes
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413. As it is replaced by newer and
more standardized animation!
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414. For instance, the scene
at the bus stop.
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415. We always meant to have imperial
walkers and giant dewback lizards
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416. In the background, but
simply couldn't afford it.
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417. Get this special enhanced
version quick!
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418. Because another enhanced version
will likely be coming out for 2003!
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419. Members!
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420. Uh, oh Jesus-
You have to do something!
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421. Our club's president, treasurer,
and secretary
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422. Have all been taken hostage
by steven spielberg!
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423. Agh!
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424. Prisoner?
You mean like hat?
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425. Yes, just like hat!
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426. But the governor
won't pardon hat,
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427. So how can we get him
out of prison?
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428. Yeah!
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429. No, listen to me!
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430. We're not talking about
hat right now, okay?
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431. Get it?
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432. Look, we went to
george lucas' house
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433. And tried to melt his icy heart
with a warm island song,
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434. But then spielberg showed up
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435. And took three of
our members prisoner!
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436. They're going to premiere the
new raiders of the lost ark
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437. And we have to rescue them,
do you understand?
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438. Hey, he's got
a point there.
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439. Yeah, maybe we could melt
the governor's icy heart
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440. With a cool
island song!
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441. Yeah!
Let's go!
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442. No!
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443. No?
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444. No, he's right.
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445. We have to freeze his hot heart
with a cool island song!
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446. Or is it freshen his hot temper
with a cool island song?
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447. Let's cool his hot temper
with a fresh island song!
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448. That's it!
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449. Oh god, I'm gonna have to
do this myself!
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450. Oh god!
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451. Well, the print is finished
and the day has come!
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452. Tonight, steven spielberg
and george lucas
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453. Will be at the premiere of
the new, special edition
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454. Of raiders of the lost ark.
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455. Lots of celebrity guests
and other rich people
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456. Will be on hand to witness
all the updated effects
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457. And modernized technology!
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458. Ho-Oh!
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459. The kid?
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460. The tweeked-Out kid?
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461. I'm gonna blow up
the print, spielberg!
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462. Your persistence
surprises even me.
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463. Surely you don't think you can
escape from this premiere?
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464. That depends on how reasonable
we're all willing to be.
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465. All I want
are my friends.
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466. Wow...
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467. Except for cartman,
you can keep him.
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468. Ah!
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469. And if we refuse?
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470. Then your premiere
has no movie!
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471. He's definitely
lost it.
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472. Yup.
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473. Okay, okay,
stand back.
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474. Stand back, back!
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475. Okay, kid, you win,
blow it up.
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476. Zuroch!
Zuroch!
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477. Blow it back to god.
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478. All your life has been the
pursuit of seeing a great film.
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479. This new version of raiders
has digital effects
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480. Beyond your wildest dreams.
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481. You want to see it screened
just as much as I.
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482. Come on, tweek,
blow it up!
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483. Son, we are simply passing
through history.
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484. This- Is improved history.
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485. Do as you will.
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486. Haffaaa mali fi!
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487. Thanks for coming,
everyone!
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488. This is the birth
of the new version
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489. Of raiders
of the lost ark!
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490. We shall screen it here
and then destroy
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491. All the old prints
in celebration!
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492. Hooray!
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493. Begin the film!
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494. Ohh, aaahh!
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495. You guys!
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496. Close your eyes,
don't look at it!
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497. What?
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498. Don't watch the movie,
you guys!
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499. It'll be terrible,
close your eyes!
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500. Oohhh...
aahh...
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501. It's beautiful!
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502. Wait a minute.
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503. This version
is awful!
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504. Yeah, they ruined it!
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505. Oh my god,
it's terrible!
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506. Aaaagh!
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507. You...
you guys okay?
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508. Yeah, I think so.
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509. Man, that new version
must've sucked balls.
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510. Today is a day
of celebration!
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511. And we owe it all to these
four brave, young boys!
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512. Yeah!
Alright!
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513. And thanks to the bravery of
this young man in particular-
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514. Hat mccullough is finally
free from prison!
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515. What?
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516. Hat! Hat! Hat!
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517. Thank you, everyone-
Kill the innocent!
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518. Uh, I'm so thankful for all your
support- Rape the virgin!
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519. And uh, I just wonder if I could
get a baby real quick?
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520. Sure, give that
man a baby!
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521. Come on, you guys,
let's get outta here.
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522. Oh my god!
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523. Do you think we did
a good thing, stan?
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524. I mean, no one even
seemed to notice.
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525. Yeah, well, sometimes
the things we do
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526. Don't matter right now.
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527. Sometimes they matter
later.
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528. We have to care more about later
sometimes, you know?
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529. I think that's what separates us
from the steven spielbergs
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530. And george lucases
of the world.
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531. That and youth-
Those guys are old.
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532. But what about the
original prints
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533. Of raiders
of the lost ark?
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534. What if somebody else takes
them and tries to change them?
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535. Don't worry, tweek,
it's somewhere safe,
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536. Somewhere where nobody
will ever find it.
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