1. Parents, it's that
time of year again
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2. When the bishops and priests
from around the country
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3. Are organizing the
young men's catholic retreat.
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4. This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat trip,
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5. To discuss Jesus' role as the
navigator of our lives.
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6. That sounds
pretty fun!
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7. A catholic boat trip?
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8. Aghhhh!
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9. Aghhh!
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10. Excuse me...
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11. Look, I just don't think
it's the best idea
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12. To let our boys go
on a cruise with the priest!
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13. We can't
let them go, can we?
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14. There's no way
my son's going.
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15. What are they
talking about?
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16. I don't know.
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17. Maybe they want
to kill us!
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18. With everything that's
been in the news,
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19. I think it's best we keep our
kids far away from the priest.
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20. Now come on,
everybody
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21. Just because a few priests in
the country have been corrupt
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22. It doesn't that all priests
are child molesters.
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23. Well sure, that's
easy for you to say,
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24. Your son's dead.
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25. But those of us
with alive children
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26. Need to be sure that father
maxi is on the up and up.
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27. I've heard about other towns
bringing in counselors
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28. That know how to
find things out from kids
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29. Without really telling them
what's going on.
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30. It couldn't hurt.
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31. Shhh-Shhh,
here he comes!
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32. Uh... goodbye,
everyone.
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33. 'Night!'Night!
'Night, father.
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34. Alright then, it's settled.
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35. Tomorrow we'll find
an outside counselor and...
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36. Find out the truth.
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37. Hi, boys, my name
is mrs. Garache
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38. And I need to ask you
a few questions
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39. About your priest, okay?
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40. Okay. Okay.
Alright.
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41. Okay... would you say that
father maxi is nice or mean?
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42. Nice.Cool.
He's fine.
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43. Okay, what words would you use
describe your church's priest?
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44. Compassionate.
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45. Okay... and did father maxi,
at any time,
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46. Ever try to put
something in your butt?
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47. In-In our butt?
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48. You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed, just-
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49. Did he ever try to
put anything in your butt?
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50. Like money, what?
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51. You mean like
a goldfish?
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52. No, no... did he ever
try to put anything
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53. That belonged to him
in your butt?
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54. No.No.
No...
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55. This is ridiculous.
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56. Having to sit out
here waiting to find out
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57. If our priest
molested our kids!
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58. Yeah, what has catholicism
come to, anyway?
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59. You know, I think we've
just had it with the church.
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60. All the horrible things
they've done to kids.
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61. I think I'm going to
become an atheist!
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62. That's a good idea!
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63. I'm going to be
an atheist too!
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64. Let's all be atheists!
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65. Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
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66. If there was a god,
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67. Why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place?
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68. Yeah, let's
kill god, yeah!
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69. Well, let's
just be atheists.
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70. Same thing.
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71. Alright!
Yeah! Woo-Hoo!
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72. What would the priest...
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73. Possibly want to
put in our butts?
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74. Maybe- No...
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75. Hey, dudes.
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76. Hey.
Hey. Agh!
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77. What are you
guys doing?
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78. We had to go meet
with this counselor lady,
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79. And she asked us if the priest
ever put anything in our butts.
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80. In your butts?
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81. Yeah, isn't that
the damnedest thing?
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82. Why would he put
anything in your butts?
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83. We don't know, that's what
we're trying to figure out.
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84. Hmm...
hmm...
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85. Hello there, children!
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86. Chef!
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87. What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
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88. Goodbye!
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89. Ugh, nobody's
going to tell us!
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90. This is going to
drive me insane!
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91. Calm down, tweek, there has to
be a rational explanation.
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92. Oh, dude, I think I might have it. What?
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93. It makes perfect sense...
okay, run with me on this:
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94. If you eat food, you crap out
your butt, right?
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95. Yeah...
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96. Alright, now keep with me here,
it gets a little complicated...
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97. If you eat food and
crap out your butt,
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98. Then maybe if you
stuck food in your butt
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99. You could crap
out your mouth.
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100. Hmm?
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101. Cartman, that's the dumbest
thing you've ever said!
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102. This week.
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103. That's not dumb
think about it!
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104. Food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt
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105. Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
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106. That's not dumb,
that's genius.
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107. It wouldn't work!
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108. Have you ever tried it?
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109. I don't need to,
it wouldn't work!
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110. I'll bet you 20 bucks
it'll work!
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111. You're on,
fat boy!
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112. Okay, let's go, jew!
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113. Down with god!
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114. Stan, you're
an atheist now!
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115. You too, tweek!
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116. Down with god!
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117. I'm a what?
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118. Fathers, I want to
thank you all for coming.
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119. No, thank you
for finally organizing
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120. An all-Priest meeting,
father maxi.
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121. I think
we all agree
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122. Something has
to be done quickly.
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123. Uh-Huh.
That's right!
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124. I don't know how
it has been for all of you,
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125. But attendance at my church
in fort rollins is down 63%.
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126. I'm down almost
70 in greenleaf.
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127. Yes, I'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
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128. We could lose
our entire religion!
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129. Yes, we've got to stop these
boys from going to the public!
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130. They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.
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131. Yup! Uh-Huh!
Right!
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132. Right, and so-
Wait a minute, what?
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133. Yes, but we've got to
find out why these children
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134. Are suddenly finding
it necessary to report
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135. That they're
being molested.
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136. Stop the problem
at its source.
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137. Yes, but how?
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138. Whoa, whoa-
Hold on a second.
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139. The problem is that
children are being molested,
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140. Not that they're
reporting it.
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141. How do you mean?
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142. Well, I mean, obviously
what we need to put a stop to
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143. Is all the
sexual misconduct
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144. That is allowed to
take place in our churches.
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145. Not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
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146. I mean, right?
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147. Did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
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148. No!
That's good.
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149. No, I mean,
I never molested
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150. Any of the children
in my church!
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151. It's okay, father maxi,
we're all priests here,
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152. The doors are closed.
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153. For the love of god!
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154. Are you all saying
that you have engaged in
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155. Inappropriate relations
with your altar boys?
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156. We are here to
bring the light of god,
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157. Not harm the innocent!
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158. Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
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159. I'm serious!
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160. Father...
having sex with boys
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161. Is part of the catholic
priest's way of life.
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162. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
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163. Dear god, this problem
is much more severe
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164. Than I could have
possibly imagined.
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165. I have to go to
the vatican and get help!
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166. Hghnn... hghh...
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167. Well, cartman?
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168. Hold on!
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169. God, let a man crap!
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170. Hgh... hgh...
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171. What's going on?
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172. Cartman shoved
food up his ass
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173. And now he's trying
to crap out his mouth.
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174. Oh.
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175. Ugnh... hgnnnh...
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176. Well go on, smart-Ass, and do it!
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177. I'm doing it
a'ready!
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178. God, give me
a minute!
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179. You've had
five, dude!
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180. I can't do it with
you guys watching.
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181. Turn around.
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182. No, because you'll
just crap out your butt
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183. And then say it
came out your mouth!
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184. Do you really think I'd be
that deceitful, you guys?
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185. Oh goddammit, you guys,
I'm so seriously...
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186. Ugh... hgngg!
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187. Hwaaaaagh...
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188. Get the f-K
out of here!
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189. Yesss!
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190. Yes, I did it!
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191. I crapped out
my mouth!
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192. You owe me
20 bucks, dickface!
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193. There you go...
uh... gratsie.
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194. Wow...
I'm actually here!
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195. Vatican city!
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196. Your holiness, this is
father maxi from america,
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197. He has brought this all
to our attention.
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198. Your holiness.
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199. Rhohhh...
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200. Ado ramus te christe.
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201. In dominus reo.
In dominus reo.
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202. Cardinals, bishops
and priests.
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203. An american priest
by the name of maxi
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204. Has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
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205. All over his country,
there are reports
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206. Of children being molested
by men of the church.
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207. If things
continue this way
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208. We'll never be able to have
sex with young boys again!
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209. Yeah! Uh-Huh!
That's right!
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210. That's right-
Wait, what?
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211. In france as well, we are
finding it harder and harder
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212. To make love to our boys.
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213. In morocco they have
arrested five of my priests.
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214. It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us!
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215. Father maxi, what do
you suggest we do
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216. To not get caught?
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217. "Not get caught"?
No!
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218. I think what we should do
is not have sex with boys!
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219. Rumble, rumble.
Rumble, rumble.
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220. It is not written anywhere
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221. In the holy document
of vatican law
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222. That sex with boys
is wrong.
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223. Maybe we need to change the
holy document of vatican law.
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224. Rumble! Rumble!
Aaagh!
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225. Speaking on behalf of
the british catholics,
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226. It is obvious
the priest doesn't realize
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227. That the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
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228. Yeah! True!
That's right!
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229. Yes, and speaking on behalf of
the gelgamek catholics,
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230. I believe we should move on to
other solutions to this problem.
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231. Rumble! Rumble!
Yeah!
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232. Gelgameks?
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233. Kyle, could you
help me out?
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234. I need some advice...
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235. What?
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236. It's just that...
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237. I can't decide what to buy
with your twenty dollars!
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238. I was thinking of getting this
megaman racer for 19.95
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239. Or I could get two broncos
trading packs for 10 apiece.
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240. And then I thought-
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241. Oh boy, now that
we're atheists
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242. We don't have to pray
for our food!
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243. That's right,
everyone just dig in!
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244. So kids, anything fun happen
with your whole sunday off?
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245. Cartman shoved
his lunch up his ass
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246. And crapped
out his mouth.
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247. Stanly!
What, he did!
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248. No, it doesn't
work that way, son.
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249. Yeah, it does.
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250. No, it doesn't.
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251. Yeah... it does.
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252. Hgh... hgh...
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253. Hughh...
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254. Hwaaaaaa...
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255. Honey!
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256. Honey, come quick!
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257. Look, people...
I'm just trying to say
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258. That if we don't change the
holy document of vatican law
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259. Then we might lose
everyone to atheism!
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260. What exactly do you
suggest we change, father maxi?
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261. Well for one...
no sex with boys.
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262. Rumble! Rumble!
Agh!
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263. The holy document
of vatican law states that
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264. A priest, bishop or cardinal
cannot get married.
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265. So where are we
to get our sex?
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266. Well then perhaps we could
change the holy vatican law
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267. To say that it's okay for a
priest or bishop or cardinal
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268. To have sex...
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269. With women.
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270. Hawhhh! Rumble!
Women!
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271. The gelgamek vagina
is three feet wide
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272. And filled with
razor-Sharp teeth!
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273. Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?
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274. Maybe we need to forget about
the gelgameks for a second
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275. And focus on-
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276. Forget about
the gelgameks!
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277. I'm just saying that
what works on planet gelgamek
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278. Isn't necessarily going to
work for the rest of us.
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279. You see, that's the problem
we're having here.
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280. But the holy document of
vatican law cannot be changed!
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281. Why not?
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282. Because we don't know
where it is.
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283. You see, father, the holy
document of vatican law
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284. Has hidden away deep in the
catacombs of st. Peters below us.
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285. Hidden away so that it
can never be changed.
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286. But if we locate it, we could
make changes to it?
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287. Ha!
Good luck, father!
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288. The document
is guarded by
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289. Water lizards, rattlesnakes
and sand traps.
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290. The fools who tried before to
recover it, met their death!
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291. Well we have to try,
our religion is dying!
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292. You guys, you guys, look!
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293. Agh!
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294. I went down to the bank,
and I got kyle's 20 dollar bill
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295. Turned into 20
single dollar bills!
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296. So?
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297. So?
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298. So now I can do this...
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299. Yesssss... yyyyesss...
kyle's money...
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300. Mmmmm, kyle's money...
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301. Go f-K yourself,
cartman!
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302. Oh... feels so good
on my skin... mmmm...
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303. Get up, fat boy, I'm
gonna kick your ass!
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304. Geez, kyle, don't be
a sore loser.
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305. It's over, okay?
I won, let it go.
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306. So you crapped
out your mouth!
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307. Good for you!
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308. It's still stupid
and immature!
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309. Dude, look!
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310. Our top story tonight:
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311. The age-Old question
has been answered.
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312. "If I put food up my ass
will I crap out my mouth?"
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313. All over the country people are
discovering that yes,
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314. In fact, you will!
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315. The surgeon general
had this to say:
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316. and the immediate research
shows that the act
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317. Is not only amusing,
but in fact much healthier
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318. For our bodies
than the old way of eating.
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319. You see, food entering
through the anus
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320. Has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach
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321. Rather than afterward.
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322. Therefore, I believe that
intero-Rectogestion
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323. Would actually put a stop to
high cholesterol
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324. And most kinds
of stomach cancers.
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325. And I base that
on absolutely nothing.
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326. The surgeon general's response
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327. Has made americans change their
eating habits almost instantly.
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328. "That's stupid
and immature, cartman."
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329. It is stupid and immature!
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330. So you got people to crap out
their mouths, what do you want?
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331. A freaking medal?
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332. The mayor of south park has
announced that
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333. For first discovering this
healthy way of eating,
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334. Young citizen eric cartman will
be given a freaking medal!
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335. Aaaghhg!
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336. Back now with more on
"martha stewart living".
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337. In the past few days we've all
heard of the benefits
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338. Of intero-Rectogestion,
and so making foods
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339. That can easily be inserted
into the ass is essential.
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340. Everyone knows that some foods
are simple to shove up the ass;
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341. Puddings, soups, raisins-
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342. This is a nice
raisin pudding right here-
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343. But we can also still
eat our favorite foods.
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344. What we're going to do today,
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345. Is prepare a thanksgiving turkey
for intero-Recto.
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346. The key to shoving
a turkey up your ass,
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347. Is first wrapping
it in string,
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348. Keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
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349. Mrs. Stewart,
we have some questions.
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350. Not right now, I just want to
focus on my turkey right now.
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351. Now we're going to
baste the turkey
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352. With lubricating gel
rather than with juice,
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353. This will help smooth the
insertion later on.
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354. We still bake at 400 degrees for
twenty minutes a pound...
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355. And when it's done we'll get
something like this.
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356. So now we're
ready to go.
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357. Looks delicious,
let's try it out!
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358. Ugnnn...
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359. Uuggghhhn...
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360. Yeah, get it up there,
yeah, uggnnnhhh, yeah!
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361. Agh... whew!
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362. And that is how
you eat a turkey.
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363. We'll be right back with more.
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364. Prego!
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365. Hello, my name is father maxi
from the united states.
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366. What do you seek, father?
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367. I'm trying to find the
holy document of vatican law
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368. So that we can
make revisions to it.
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369. The gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.
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370. But many trials
await thee inside.
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371. Only he whose heart
truly belongs to the lord
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372. Shall make it through.
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373. I have to try,
our religion is in trouble
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374. And that scroll
may be our only hope.
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375. Then prepare yourself.
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376. The time of trials begins...
ado ramus te christe!
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377. I wish you luck, father.
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378. Use all the strength, agility
and faith that you have.
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379. Very well...
here we go.
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380. Hmm, there's
a ladder up here...
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381. Oh my god, a rattlesnake!
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382. A way back up!
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383. I made it!
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384. Praise be to god,
he hath shown me the way.
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385. This must be it...
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386. The holy document
of vatican law.
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387. Well sharon and I are having
a great time being atheists.
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388. I for one can't believe
I used to live my life
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389. By what a very old and very
fictional book used to say!
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390. It's true, what do
a bunch of stories
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391. About people in robes
slaughtering goats
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392. Have to do with
today's world?
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393. Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
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394. I made some quesadillas
if anybody wants some!
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395. Ooh! Ooh!
Ooh!
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396. And if anybody
needs to potty,
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397. There's a potty basket
right here.
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398. Oh thanks, sharon.
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399. For martha and I
we're worried
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400. We might have a hard time
raising our son atheist.
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401. I mean- Oh, thank you.
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402. I mean it could end up
being very difficult
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403. Raising an atheist child
in such a christian society.
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404. I feel like everywhere
my poor son goes
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405. He's going to be
persecuted for his beliefs.
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406. That's true.
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407. If I'm going to
raise my son to be atheist,
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408. I don't want him saying
"under god" every day at school.
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409. That could really
damage him!
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410. "Under god" should be
taken out of the- Excuse me-
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411. Hhhhwaaaa...
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412. "Under god" should be taken out
of the pledge of allegiance.
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413. Yup! Yup!
I agree.
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414. And it should be taken
off of money as well.
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415. The religious right
in this country
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416. Is trying to force our children
to believe what they-
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417. Hwaaaaaagh...
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418. And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids!
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419. Yeah! Yeah!
That's right.
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420. Cardinals, bishops
and priests!
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421. Father maxi has returned!
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422. And he has the holy document
of vatican law!
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423. How did he make it
past the water lizards?
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424. Yes, I have returned with the
holy document of vatican law,
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425. So can we please
change it now
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426. To say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?
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427. Wait, wait!
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428. The pope wants
to say something!
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429. The pope says we shall
ask the highest source!
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430. Ahhhh! Ahh!
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431. Oh my!
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432. The holy one!
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433. Behold the great
queen spider!
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434. Hail, queen spider. Hail, queen spider.
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435. Queen spider?
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436. Oh, great queen spider,
we seek your guidance.
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437. What do you ask of me?
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438. Great queen spider,
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439. We wish to change
one of the vatican rules.
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440. The vatican rules
cannot be changed.
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441. So sayeth the spider.
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442. Go on, priest maxi,
see if you can convince her.
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443. All right,
that does it!
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444. I have had enough!
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445. You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
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446. You sit in this big room with your
gelgameks and your queen spider
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447. And none of it applies to what
being a catholic is all about!
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448. But the holy document
of vatican law states that-
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449. To hell with the holy document
of vatican law!
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450. You guys, you guys!
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451. I took kyle's 20 dollars
down to the bank again,
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452. And I got it changed
into quarters!
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453. So?
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454. So now I can dump them
into this pool
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455. And swim in them
all day long!
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456. Yayyyy, kyle's money.
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457. Cartman, there's something
I need to tell you.
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458. Ooh, what's that, kyle?
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459. You were totally,
100% right.
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460. Huh... huh... what?
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461. You won the bet.
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462. You were
totally accurate
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463. About being able
to crap out your mouth,
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464. And I've just
been frustrated
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465. Because I didn't
think of it first.
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466. I want you to
enjoy that money because
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467. You really impressed me
with your insight,
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468. And I'm proud to
have you as a friend.
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469. You son-Of-A-Bitch, kyle!
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470. I hate you!
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471. Down with god!
Yeah! Atheists rule!
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472. Great news, stan,
the vatican is burning down!
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473. Score one
for us atheists!
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474. Come on, tweek, we're
gonna go watch on tv!
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475. Gone...
it's all gone.
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476. Well, thanks a lot,
father maxi
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477. You've killed
our religion.
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478. No, I didn't!
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479. All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.
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480. You've forgotten what
being a catholic is all about:
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481. This book...
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482. You see, these are
just stories.
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483. Stories that are meant to help
guide people in the right direction.
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484. Love your neighbor,
be a good person.
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485. That's it.
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486. And when you start
turning the stories
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487. Well... well you
end up with this!
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488. People are
losing faith because
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489. They don't see how what you've turned
the religion into applies to them.
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490. They've lost touch with any idea
of any kind of religion,
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491. And when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by
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492. They just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths!
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493. What was that
last bit?
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494. Look, I'm proud
to be a catholic.
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495. But I am a catholic
in the real world,
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496. In today's world.
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497. It's time for you all
to do that too.
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498. It is time... for change.
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499. He's right, sharon.
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500. We don't have to believe
every word of the bible
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501. They're just stories
to help us live by.
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502. We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the bible
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503. Just because some assholes
in italy screwed it up.
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504. Oh, randy, I don't want to
put food up my butt anymore.
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505. Gang... I think maybe
we owe god an apology.
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506. Does this mean we have to
go to church on sundays again?
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507. No... it means
we get to, son.
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508. It means we get to.
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509. Hwaaaaa...
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