1. I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a timeCopy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptationCopy !req
3. Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behindCopy !req
4. Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"Copy !req
5. Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwindCopy !req
6. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy
Timmy, TimmyCopy !req
7. Living a lie, Timmy!Copy !req
8. Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mineCopy !req
9. Parents, it's that time of year again
when the bishops and priestsCopy !req
10. from around the country are organising
the Young Men's Catholic Retreat.Copy !req
11. This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat tripCopy !req
12. to discuss Jesus' role
as the navigator of our lives.Copy !req
13. - That sounds pretty fun!
- A Catholic boat trip?Copy !req
14. The Catholic boatCopy !req
15. It's gonna be heading on out todayCopy !req
16. The Catholic boatCopy !req
17. Time to throw all of your cares awayCopy !req
18. Get some hot Christian action little...Copy !req
19. Excuse me.Copy !req
20. Look, I just don't think it's the best ideaCopy !req
21. to let our boys go on a cruise
with the priest!Copy !req
22. - We can't let them go, can we?
- There's no way my son's going.Copy !req
23. - What are they talking about?
- I don't know.Copy !req
24. Maybe they want to kill us!Copy !req
25. With everything that's been in the news,Copy !req
26. I think it's best we keep our kids
far away from the priest.Copy !req
27. Now come on, everybody, just because
a few priests in the countryCopy !req
28. have been corrupted, it doesn't mean
that all priests are child molesters.Copy !req
29. Well, sure, that's easy for you to say,
your son's dead.Copy !req
30. But those of us with alive childrenCopy !req
31. need to be sure
that Father Maxi is on the up and up.Copy !req
32. I've heard about other towns
bringing in counsellorsCopy !req
33. that know how to find things out
from kidsCopy !req
34. without really telling them
what's going on.Copy !req
35. It couldn't hurt.Copy !req
36. Here he comes! Here he comes!Copy !req
37. - Goodbye, everyone.
- Night, father.Copy !req
38. All right, then, it's settled. Tomorrow
we'll find an outside counsellorCopy !req
39. and find out the truth.Copy !req
40. Hi, boys. My name is Miss Garache,Copy !req
41. and I need to ask you a few questions
about your priest, okay?Copy !req
42. Okay.Copy !req
43. Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi
is nice or mean?Copy !req
44. - Nice.
- Whatever.Copy !req
45. Okay, what words would you use
to describe your church's priest?Copy !req
46. Compassionate.Copy !req
47. Okay, and did Father Maxi, at any time,
ever try to put something in your butt?Copy !req
48. In our butt?Copy !req
49. You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed.Copy !req
50. Just, did he ever try
to put anything in your butt?Copy !req
51. Like, money, what?Copy !req
52. - You mean, like a goldfish?
- No, no...Copy !req
53. Did he ever try to put anything
that belonged to him in your butt?Copy !req
54. No.Copy !req
55. This is ridiculous,Copy !req
56. having to sit out here waiting to find out
if our priest molested our kids!Copy !req
57. Yeah, what has Catholicism
come to, anyway?Copy !req
58. You know, I think we've just had it
with the church.Copy !req
59. All the horrible things
they've done to kids.Copy !req
60. - I think I'm going to become an atheist!
- That's a good idea!Copy !req
61. - I'm going to be an atheist, too.
- Let's all be atheists!Copy !req
62. Yeah!Copy !req
63. If there was a God, why would he let
our kids be molested in the first place?Copy !req
64. Yeah! Let's kill God! Yeah!Copy !req
65. Well, let's just be atheists.Copy !req
66. Same thing.Copy !req
67. Yeah!Copy !req
68. What would the priest possibly want
to put in our butts?Copy !req
69. Maybe... No...Copy !req
70. - Hey, dudes.
- Hey.Copy !req
71. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
72. We had to go meet with
this counsellor lady,Copy !req
73. and she asked us if the priest
ever put anything in our butts.Copy !req
74. - In your butts?
- Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?Copy !req
75. Why would he put anything
in your butts?Copy !req
76. We don't know, that's what
we're trying to figure out.Copy !req
77. Hello, there, children!Copy !req
78. Chef, what would a priest want to stick
up my butt?Copy !req
79. Goodbye!Copy !req
80. Nobody's going to tell us!
This is going to drive me insane!Copy !req
81. Calm down, Tweek, there has to be
a rational explanation.Copy !req
82. - Oh, dude, I think I might have it.
- What?Copy !req
83. It makes perfect sense.Copy !req
84. Okay, run with me on this. If you eat
food, you crap out your butt, right?Copy !req
85. - Yeah.
- All right,Copy !req
86. now keep with me here,
it gets a little complicated.Copy !req
87. If you eat food and crap out your butt,Copy !req
88. then maybe if you stuck food
in your butt,Copy !req
89. you would crap out your mouth.Copy !req
90. Cartman, that's the dumbest thing
you've ever said, this week.Copy !req
91. Why? That's not dumb. Think about it!Copy !req
92. Food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt.Copy !req
93. Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.Copy !req
94. - That's not dumb. That's genius.
- It wouldn't work!Copy !req
95. - Have you ever tried it?
- I don't need to. It wouldn't work!Copy !req
96. - I'll bet you 20 bucks it'll work!
- You're on, fat boy!Copy !req
97. Okay, let's go, Jew!Copy !req
98. Down with God!Copy !req
99. - Stan! You're an atheist now!
- You, too, Tweek!Copy !req
100. Yeah!Copy !req
101. Down with God!Copy !req
102. I'm a what?Copy !req
103. Fathers, I want to thank you all
for coming.Copy !req
104. No, thank you for finally organising
an all-priest meeting, Father Maxi.Copy !req
105. I think we all agree
something has to be done quickly.Copy !req
106. - That's right.
- It sure does.Copy !req
107. Well, I don't know how it's been
for all of you,Copy !req
108. but attendance at my church
in Fort Rollins is down 63%.Copy !req
109. I'm down almost 70 in Greenleaf.Copy !req
110. Yes, I'm afraid if things keep going
the way they are,Copy !req
111. we could lose our entire religion!Copy !req
112. Yes! We've got to stop these boys
from going to the public!Copy !req
113. They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.Copy !req
114. That's right.Copy !req
115. - Right, and so... Wait a minute, what?
- Yes, but we've got to find outCopy !req
116. why these children are suddenly
finding it necessaryCopy !req
117. to report that they're being molested.Copy !req
118. Stop the problem at its source.Copy !req
119. Yes, but how?Copy !req
120. - Something has to be done.
- We've got to stop...Copy !req
121. Whoa, whoa! Hold on a second.Copy !req
122. The problem is that children are being
molested, not that they're reporting it.Copy !req
123. How do you mean?Copy !req
124. Well, I mean, obviously,
what we need to put a stop toCopy !req
125. is all the sexual misconduct that is
allowed to take place in our churches,Copy !req
126. and not just tell the children not to tell
anybody about it. I mean, right?Copy !req
127. Did any of the children you've molested
come forward?Copy !req
128. - No!
- Well, that's good.Copy !req
129. No! I mean, I've never molested
any of the children in my church!Copy !req
130. It's okay, Father Maxi, we're all priests
here, the doors are closed.Copy !req
131. For the love of God!Copy !req
132. Are you all saying that you have
engaged in inappropriate relationsCopy !req
133. with your altar boys?Copy !req
134. We are here to bring the light of God,
not harm the innocent.Copy !req
135. I'm serious.Copy !req
136. Father, having sex with boys is part of
the Catholic priest's way of life.Copy !req
137. Yeah.Copy !req
138. Dear God.Copy !req
139. This problem is much more severe
than I could have possibly imagined.Copy !req
140. I have to go to the Vatican and get help!Copy !req
141. Well, Cartman?Copy !req
142. Hold on! God, let a man crap!Copy !req
143. What's going on?Copy !req
144. Cartman shoved food up his ass and
now he's trying to crap out his mouth.Copy !req
145. Well, go on, smart ass, do it!Copy !req
146. I'm doing it already!
God, give me a minute!Copy !req
147. - You've had five, dude!
- I can't...Copy !req
148. I can't do it with you guys watching.
Turn around.Copy !req
149. No, because you'll just
crap out your buttCopy !req
150. and then say it came out your mouth!Copy !req
151. Do you really think
I'd be that deceitful, you guys?Copy !req
152. God damn it, you guys,
I'm so seriously...Copy !req
153. Get the... out of here.Copy !req
154. Yes! Yes! I did it!Copy !req
155. I crapped out my mouth!
I crapped out my mouth!Copy !req
156. You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!Copy !req
157. There you go... Uh... Grazie.Copy !req
158. Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City!Copy !req
159. Your Holiness,
this is Father Maxi from America.Copy !req
160. He has brought this all to our attention.Copy !req
161. Your Holiness.Copy !req
162. Cardinals, bishops and priests,
an American priest by the name of MaxiCopy !req
163. has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.Copy !req
164. All over his country, there are reports
of children being molestedCopy !req
165. by men of the church.
If things continue this way,Copy !req
166. we'll never be able to have sex
with young boys again!Copy !req
167. That's right!Copy !req
168. That's right... Wait, what?Copy !req
169. In France as well,Copy !req
170. we are finding it harder and harder
to make love to our boys.Copy !req
171. In Morocco they have arrested
five of my priests.Copy !req
172. It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us.Copy !req
173. Father Maxi, what do you suggest
we do to not get caught?Copy !req
174. Not get caught? No! I think what we
should do is not have sex with boys!Copy !req
175. It is not written anywhere
in The Holy Document of Vatican LawCopy !req
176. that sex with the boys is wrong.Copy !req
177. Well, maybe we need to change
the Holy Document of Vatican Law.Copy !req
178. Speaking on behalf
of the British Catholics,Copy !req
179. it is obvious
that the priest doesn't realiseCopy !req
180. that the Holy Document of Vatican Law
cannot be changed!Copy !req
181. That's right! Yeah!Copy !req
182. Yes, and speaking on behalf
of the Gelgamek Catholics,Copy !req
183. I believe we should move on
to other solutions to this problem!Copy !req
184. Gelgameks?Copy !req
185. Kyle, could you help me out?Copy !req
186. I need some advice.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. It's just that I can't decide
what to buy with your $20!Copy !req
189. I was thinking of getting
this Mega Man racer for $19.95,Copy !req
190. or I could get two Broncos trading packs
for 10 apiece and then I thought...Copy !req
191. Oh, boy! Now that we're atheists,
we don't have to pray for our food.Copy !req
192. That's right, everyone just dig in.Copy !req
193. So, kids, anything fun happen
with your whole Sunday off?Copy !req
194. Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass
and crapped out his mouth.Copy !req
195. - Stanley!
- What? He did!Copy !req
196. - No, it doesn't work that way, Son.
- Yeah, it does.Copy !req
197. - No, it doesn't.
- Yeah. It does.Copy !req
198. Honey! Honey, come quick!Copy !req
199. Look, people, I'm just trying to sayCopy !req
200. that if we don't change
the Holy Document of Vatican Law,Copy !req
201. then we might lose everyone to atheism!Copy !req
202. What exactly do you suggest
we change, Father Maxi?Copy !req
203. Well, for one, no sex with boys.Copy !req
204. The Holy Document of Vatican LawCopy !req
205. states that a priest, bishop
or cardinal cannot get married,Copy !req
206. so where are we to get our sex?Copy !req
207. Well, then perhaps we could change
the Holy Document of Vatican LawCopy !req
208. to say that it's okay
for a priest or bishop or cardinalCopy !req
209. to have sex with women.Copy !req
210. Women?Copy !req
211. The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide
and filled with razor sharp teeth!Copy !req
212. Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?Copy !req
213. Okay, maybe we just need to forget
about the Gelgameks for a secondCopy !req
214. - And focus on...
- Forget about the Gelgameks?Copy !req
215. I'm just saying
what works on planet GelgamekCopy !req
216. isn't necessarily going to work for
the rest of us here on Earth, you see?Copy !req
217. That's the problem we're having here.Copy !req
218. But the Holy Document of Vatican Law
cannot be changed!Copy !req
219. Why not?Copy !req
220. Because we don't know where it is.Copy !req
221. You see, Father,
the Holy Document of Vatican LawCopy !req
222. has been hidden away deep in
the catacombs of St. Peter's below us.Copy !req
223. Hidden away
so that it can never be changed.Copy !req
224. But if we locate it,
we could make changes to it?Copy !req
225. Good luck, Father!Copy !req
226. The Document is guarded by water
lizards, rattlesnakes and sand traps.Copy !req
227. The fools who tried before to recover it
met their death!Copy !req
228. Well, we have to try.
Our religion is dying!Copy !req
229. You guys, you guys, look!
I went down to the bank,Copy !req
230. and I got Kyle's $20 bill
turned into 20 single dollar bills!Copy !req
231. - So?
- So? So now I can do this.Copy !req
232. Yes! Yes! Kyle's money.Copy !req
233. - Kyle's money.
- Go... yourself, Cartman!Copy !req
234. Oh, feels so good on my skin.Copy !req
235. Get up, fat boy, I'm gonna kick your ass!Copy !req
236. Jeez, Kyle, don't be a sore loser.
It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.Copy !req
237. So you crapped out of your mouth!
Good for you!Copy !req
238. - It's still stupid and immature!
- Dude, look!Copy !req
239. Our top story tonight.Copy !req
240. The age-old question
has been answered.Copy !req
241. If I put food up my ass,
will I crap out my mouth?Copy !req
242. All over the country people are
discovering that yes, in fact, you will.Copy !req
243. The surgeon general had this to say.Copy !req
244. And the immediate research shows
that the act is not only amusing,Copy !req
245. but in fact, much healthier for our
bodies than the old way of eating.Copy !req
246. You see, food entering
through the anus has the benefitCopy !req
247. of being broken down on its way
to the stomach rather than afterward.Copy !req
248. And therefore, I believe that
Intero-Rectogestion would actuallyCopy !req
249. put a stop to high cholesterol
and most kinds of stomach cancers.Copy !req
250. And I base that on absolutely nothing.Copy !req
251. The Surgeon General's responseCopy !req
252. has made Americans change
their eating habits almost instantly.Copy !req
253. - "That's stupid and immature, Cartman."
- It is stupid and immature.Copy !req
254. So you got people
to crap out of their mouths.Copy !req
255. What do you want, a freaking medal?Copy !req
256. The mayor of South Park
has announcedCopy !req
257. that for first discovering
this healthy way of eating,Copy !req
258. young citizen Eric Cartman
will be given a freaking medal.Copy !req
259. Back now with more
on Martha Stewart Living.Copy !req
260. In the past few days we've all heard
of the benefits of Intero-Rectogestion,Copy !req
261. and so making foods that can easily
be inserted into the ass is essential.Copy !req
262. Now, everyone knows that some foodsCopy !req
263. are simple to shove up the ass,
puddings, soups, raisins.Copy !req
264. This is a nice raisin pudding, right here.Copy !req
265. But we can also
still eat our favourite foods.Copy !req
266. What we're going to do todayCopy !req
267. is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey
for Intero-Recto.Copy !req
268. The key to shoving a turkey up your ass
is first wrapping it in string,Copy !req
269. keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.Copy !req
270. - Mrs. Stewart, we have some questions.
- Not right now.Copy !req
271. I just want to focus
on my turkey right now.Copy !req
272. Now, we're going to baste the turkey
with lubricating gelCopy !req
273. rather than with juice.Copy !req
274. This will help smooth
the insertion later on.Copy !req
275. We still bake at 400 degrees
for 20 minutes a pound.Copy !req
276. And when it's done
we'll get something like this.Copy !req
277. So now, we're ready to go.
Looks delicious, let's try it out!Copy !req
278. Yeah, get it up there, yeah.Copy !req
279. Yeah!Copy !req
280. And that is how you eat a turkey.Copy !req
281. We'll be right back with more.Copy !req
282. Oh, hello.Copy !req
283. My name is Father Maxi
from the United States.Copy !req
284. What do you seek, Father?Copy !req
285. I'm trying to find
the Holy Document of Vatican LawCopy !req
286. so that we can make revisions to it.Copy !req
287. That gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.Copy !req
288. But many trials await thee inside.Copy !req
289. Only he whose heart truly belongs
to the Lord shall make it through.Copy !req
290. I have to try. Our religion is in trouble,Copy !req
291. - And that scroll may be our only hope.
- Then prepare yourself.Copy !req
292. The time of trials begins.Copy !req
293. I wish you luck, Father.Copy !req
294. Use all the strength,
agility and faith that you have.Copy !req
295. Very well. Here we go.Copy !req
296. There's a ladder up here.Copy !req
297. Oh, my God, a rattlesnake!Copy !req
298. A way back up!Copy !req
299. I made it!Copy !req
300. Praise be to God,
he hath shown me the way.Copy !req
301. This must be it.Copy !req
302. The Holy Document of Vatican Law.Copy !req
303. Well, Sharon and I are having
a great time being atheists.Copy !req
304. I, for one, can't believe
I used to live my lifeCopy !req
305. by what a very old
and very fictional book used to say.Copy !req
306. Well, it's true. I mean, what do a bunch
of stories about people in robesCopy !req
307. slaughtering goats have to do
with today's world?Copy !req
308. Atheism has definitely made
our lives better.Copy !req
309. I made some quesadillas,
if anybody wants some!Copy !req
310. And if anybody needs to potty,
there's a potty basket right here.Copy !req
311. Oh, thanks, Sharon.Copy !req
312. You know, for Martha and I, we're
worried we might have a hard timeCopy !req
313. raising our son atheist. I mean...
Oh, thank you.Copy !req
314. I mean, it could end up being
very difficult raising an atheist childCopy !req
315. in such a Christian society.Copy !req
316. I feel like everywhere my poor son goes
he's being persecutedCopy !req
317. - For his beliefs.
- That's true.Copy !req
318. If I'm going to raise my son to be atheistCopy !req
319. I don't want him saying "under God"
every day at school.Copy !req
320. That could really damage him.Copy !req
321. "Under God" should be taken
out of the... Excuse me.Copy !req
322. "Under God" should be taken out
of the Pledge of Allegiance.Copy !req
323. That's right, I agree.Copy !req
324. And it should be taken off of money,
as well.Copy !req
325. The religious right in this country is
trying to force our children to believe...Copy !req
326. And we can't let the religious right
corrupt our kids!Copy !req
327. That's right!Copy !req
328. Cardinals, bishops and priests!
Father Maxi has returned!Copy !req
329. And he has
the Holy Document of Vatican Law!Copy !req
330. How did he make it past
the water lizards?Copy !req
331. Yes, I have returned with
the Holy Document of Vatican Law,Copy !req
332. so can we please change it nowCopy !req
333. to say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?Copy !req
334. Wait! Wait!
The Pope wants to say something!Copy !req
335. The Pope says we shall ask
the highest source.Copy !req
336. Oh, my.Copy !req
337. The Holy One.Copy !req
338. Behold the great Queen Spider!Copy !req
339. Hail, Queen Spider.Copy !req
340. Queen Spider?Copy !req
341. O, great Queen Spider,
we seek your guidance.Copy !req
342. What do you ask of me?Copy !req
343. Great Queen Spider, we wish to change
one of the Vatican Rules.Copy !req
344. The Vatican Rules cannot be changed.
So sayeth the spider.Copy !req
345. Go on, Priest Maxi,
see if you can convince her.Copy !req
346. All right, that does it!
I have had enough!Copy !req
347. You people have completely lost touch
with the outside world!Copy !req
348. You sit in this big room with
your Gelgameks and your Queen SpiderCopy !req
349. and none of it applies
to what being a Catholic is all about!Copy !req
350. But the Holy Document of Vatican Law
states that...Copy !req
351. To hell with
the Holy Document of Vatican Law!Copy !req
352. You guys, you guys.Copy !req
353. I took Kyle's $20
down to the bank again,Copy !req
354. and I got it changed into quarters!Copy !req
355. So?Copy !req
356. So now I can dump them into this
little pool and swim in them all day long!Copy !req
357. Yeah! Kyle's money.Copy !req
358. Cartman, there's something
I need to tell you.Copy !req
359. - What's that, Kyle?
- You were totally, 100% right.Copy !req
360. - What?
- You won the bet.Copy !req
361. You were totally accurate about
being able to crap out your mouth,Copy !req
362. and I've just been frustrated
because I didn't think of it first.Copy !req
363. I want you to enjoy that moneyCopy !req
364. because you really impressed me
with your insight,Copy !req
365. and I'm proud to have you as a friend.Copy !req
366. You son of a bitch, Kyle! I hate you!Copy !req
367. Yeah! Down with God!Copy !req
368. Great news, Stan!Copy !req
369. - The Vatican is burning down!
- Score one for us atheists!Copy !req
370. Come on, Tweek!
We're gonna go watch on TV!Copy !req
371. Gone! It's all gone.Copy !req
372. Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.Copy !req
373. - You've killed our religion.
- No, I didn't!Copy !req
374. All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.Copy !req
375. You've forgotten
what being a Catholic is all about.Copy !req
376. This book...
You see, these are just stories.Copy !req
377. Stories that are meant to help
guide people in the right direction.Copy !req
378. Love your neighbour, be a good person.
That's it.Copy !req
379. And when you start turning the stories
into literal translationsCopy !req
380. of hierarchies and power, well...
Well, you end up with this!Copy !req
381. People are losing faith
because they don't seeCopy !req
382. how what you've turned the religion into
applies to them.Copy !req
383. They've lost touch with any idea
of any kind of religion,Copy !req
384. and when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives byCopy !req
385. they just start spewing a bunch of crap
out of their mouths!Copy !req
386. What was that last bit?Copy !req
387. Look, I'm proud to be a Catholic.Copy !req
388. But I am a Catholic in the real world,
in today's world.Copy !req
389. It's time for you all to do that, too.
It is time for change.Copy !req
390. He's right, Sharon. We don't have to
believe every word of the Bible.Copy !req
391. They're just stories to help us live by.Copy !req
392. We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the BibleCopy !req
393. just because some assholes in Italy
screwed it up.Copy !req
394. Oh, Randy, I don't want to put food
up my butt any more.Copy !req
395. Gang, I think maybe
we owe God an apology.Copy !req
396. Does this mean we have to go to church
on Sundays again?Copy !req
397. No.Copy !req
398. It means we get to, Son.
It means we get to.Copy !req