1. I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
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2. Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
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3. Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
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4. Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
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5. Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
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6. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy
Timmy, Timmy
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7. Living a lie, Timmy!
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8. Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
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9. Okay, children, step off the bus and
form a group next to the nice redneck.
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10. I mean, rancher.
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11. Hello, boys and girls.
My name is Rancher Bob.
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12. - Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
- Hi, Rancher Bob.
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13. I'm pleased to show you all
the wonderful world of beef.
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14. Follow me.
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15. City kids get to go to museums
for field trips. We get cow farms.
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16. Now, out here, you can see our cattle.
This is where the magic begins,
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17. as the cows eat and sleep
and prepare for certain death.
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18. They look so delicious.
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19. And here we have the slaughterhouse.
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20. This is where we turn the cows
into steaks and burgers.
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21. Aw, dude.
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22. - Anybody want a free sample?
- Me, me, me, me.
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23. And in here, boys and girls,
we have our veal ranch.
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24. You see, with veal, the whole key
is keeping the cows chained,
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25. so they can't walk around
or get any exercise.
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26. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft,
and makes for tender veal.
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27. - Wait a minute. Veal is little baby cows?
- Yepper.
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28. Then why the hell do they call it veal?
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29. Well, if we called it "little baby cow,"
people might not eat it.
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30. - Yeah, I wouldn't have.
- Me, neither.
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31. Oh, man, look at that one.
It looks delicious.
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32. - What?
- Succulent and juicy.
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33. Can we have a free sample
of these, too?
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34. Well, no, but all these veals are going
to the slaughterhouse
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35. tomorrow morning.
They'll be steaks by the afternoon,
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36. and then you can buy them
at your grocery store.
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37. - All right.
- Tomorrow morning?
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38. - Dude, we gotta help them.
- Yeah.
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39. - Cartman.
- No, Uncle Jessie. No.
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40. - Cartman, wake up.
- What?
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41. - What the hell are you guys doing?
- Come on. We gotta go.
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42. Where are we going?
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43. We're gonna go save
the little baby cows, fatass.
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44. What? Why?
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45. 'Cause they're gonna
get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
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46. - So?
- So, we can't let them die, douchebag.
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47. - You're our friend, now come help us.
- Well, let's see.
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48. In the last 3.2 seconds, you've called
me "fatass, butthole" and "douchebag."
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49. I really don't feel much
like you guys' friend.
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50. We're sorry. You are our friend.
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51. We need you to help us
because friends stick together.
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52. Wait, I thought you said we needed him
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53. because he has the Mission: Impossible
Breaking and Entering Playset.
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54. - Damn it, Butters, will you shut up?
- Oh, ho! So you need me
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55. and my Mission: Impossible
Breaking and Entering Playset?
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56. Yes, we do.
We're those little baby cows' only hope.
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57. - Will you help us?
- Yes. Yes, I will.
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58. - If Kyle will kiss my black ass.
- What?
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59. - Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
- Screw you, Cartman.
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60. Okay, but if you want my help, you have
to give it just a little kiss. Kiss it.
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61. - Go on, dude, it's the only way.
- No!
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62. - Kiss it. Come on, kiss it.
- Just do it really fast and we can go.
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63. - Have Butters kiss it.
- No, it has to be Kyle.
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64. - Oh, man, that was so awesome.
- Sick. I felt it on my face.
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65. Okay, very funny, Cartman.
Now come on.
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66. Hey, I'm not going with you.
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67. I don't know about this, fellas.
It says right here,
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68. on the Mission: Impossible
Breaking and Entering Playset,
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69. "Not for actual breaking and entering.
Breaking and entering is a crime."
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70. Yeah, well killing little, helpless
baby cows should be a crime, too.
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71. - How does this thing work, Cartman?
- Jesus, don't you guys have any toys?
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72. First, you put on the black ski mask
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73. and you use the torch
to cut a hole in the roof.
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74. Okay, that's far enough.
I'm going to go delta.
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75. You have to talk louder.
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76. I forgot the AA batteries for
the supertalk play-action headset.
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77. I said, that's far enough!
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78. Don't be scared, little baby cow.
We're here to set you loose.
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79. There you go. You're free. Run away.
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80. Go. They're gonna murder you.
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81. Stan, could you hurry it up?
I'm freezing my ass off.
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82. You need to freeze
some of your ass off.
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83. - At least I have an ass, Jew.
- What?
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84. Come on, you stupid baby cows.
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85. You have to get out of here.
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86. - Well, what's the matter?
- They aren't leaving.
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87. See? Maybe they want to become
sweet, juicy veal steaks.
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88. Hey. They've never been allowed to
walk before. They just don't know how.
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89. Oh, yeah. They're too weak to move.
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90. Well, we've got to get them out of here.
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91. We'll just keep them at Butters' house
until they can get their strength back.
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92. No, I can't bring calves into my house.
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93. - I'll get grounded.
- Okay, fine, Butters.
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94. I guess you're not a team player.
We'll bring them to my house.
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95. Dude, how are we gonna move
23 calves to your house?
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96. - I don't know.
- I've got it.
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97. We could kill Butters, and then float
the calves on a river of blood.
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98. Don't be stupid, Cartman, Butters
doesn't have that much blood in him.
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99. Hey, I do, too.
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100. We're just gonna have to carry them,
one by one.
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101. Come on, you guys.
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102. Check it out, you guys, I'm calf curling.
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103. Man, these calves smell like crap.
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104. I don't see how you're gonna hide them
from your mom much longer.
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105. We won't have to. Butters said
he had something at his house
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106. that makes baby cows strong again.
He's bringing it over.
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107. Butters had that at his house?
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108. - Hey, fellas.
- Butters, did you bring it?
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109. I sure did. We'll have those poor,
baby cows in shape in no time.
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110. All right.
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111. - "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
- What?
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112. "Makes your calves stronger
in just two days."
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113. Oh, goddamn it, that's your plan?
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114. You think it's a gimmick?
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115. Susanne promises,
right on the box, that it works.
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116. Hello, Mrs. Marsh.
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117. Officer Barbrady, what can I do for you?
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118. Well, we've got a little problem.
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119. Jed here caught your boy and his
friends trespassing on his ranch.
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120. - They stole some of his property.
- Stole? Are you sure?
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121. I followed a calf-curling trail
right to your house, ma'am.
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122. Stan's in trouble.
Let me kick his ass, Mom.
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123. Not now. My son is not a thief.
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124. I'm sure this is just
some kind of misunderstanding.
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125. Stanley, did you see...
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126. Oh, crap.
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127. Stanley, what are you doing
with those calves?
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128. That asshole was going to kill them
and feed them to people.
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129. - Stanley, they belong to him.
- They don't belong to anybody.
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130. Please, Mom,
we don't want these cows to die.
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131. - Let me hit him, Mom.
- Stanley, this isn't up for discussion.
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132. The rancher is going to take his cows
back, and you don't have a choice.
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133. Stanley! Stanley, you open this door
right now or you're going to get it!
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134. - No.
- Stan, you're behaving like a kid.
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135. You're the ones who made me eat veal
without telling me what it was.
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136. You're the ones who knew we were
making little baby animals suffer.
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137. - Open this door, now.
- Kiss my ass.
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138. - Oh, Jeez. He said "ass" to his parents.
- You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
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139. I apologise for this, Mr. Rancher person.
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140. Well, why don't you just tell them
that the cows will be safe,
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141. and when they come out,
I can take them back.
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142. I can't lie to my son, okay?
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143. If I betrayed him like that,
I'd pay for it the rest of my life.
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144. Well, that's just too bad.
Look, that's $800 worth of veal up there,
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145. and I have to ship it out Friday.
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146. What are you going to do,
Officer Barbrady?
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147. Me? How did I get into this mess?
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148. So what happens now?
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149. I'm going to lock myself in here
with these cows
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150. until we have a guarantee
of their safety, in writing.
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151. - We're with you, dude.
- Yeah.
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152. Don't be so sure.
Because I'm going to tell you,
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153. this is going to get ugly. Real ugly.
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154. When all is said and done,
you could all be looking at
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155. being grounded for three,
perhaps even four weeks.
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156. So if any of you guys want out,
just say the word now.
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157. - I want out.
- Shut up, Cartman.
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158. - We're with you, Stan.
- Yeah.
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159. We can't let those
little baby cows down.
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160. They've got no one else to turn to.
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161. Then it's settled. One for all
and all for one, except Cartman.
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162. - Yeah!
- Yeah. Wait, what?
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163. And so that's the situation.
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164. Our boys have locked themselves in
Stan's room until we can promise them
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165. the calves will live free, in writing.
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166. Well, this is ridiculous.
I don't know how you raise your kids,
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167. but my son
does not play negotiator with me.
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168. Well, excuse me, Sheila,
but it wasn't that simple.
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169. Give me 15 seconds with Kyle
and I'll have that door open.
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170. Kyle. This is your mother.
You will open this door right now.
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171. No, I won't.
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172. Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila.
That was very impressive.
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173. Kyle, if you don't do as you're told,
I'm going to be very angry.
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174. Well, you made me eat veal
and didn't tell me what it was.
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175. So go ahead and be angry,
you baby-cow-killing bitch.
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176. - Very persuasive.
- Open this door! Open this door!
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177. Let me try. Butters.
Butters, this is your father.
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178. Oh, sweet Jesus. What do I do?
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179. Be strong, Butters.
You knew it would come to this.
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180. - Butters, answer me.
- But Dad's angry at me.
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181. - Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say.
- Butters, right now!
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182. Dad, why don't you suck my fat one?
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183. - What?
- Oh, sweet Jesus.
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184. - What's gotten into them?
- All right, Stanley.
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185. This has gone on long enough.
Your little game is over.
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186. This isn't a game, Mom.
We're not coming out
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187. until we know the calves will be safe.
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188. Well, that's fine, you boys can just
stay in there and starve to death.
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189. Us parents are going to go
to Pizza Shack
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190. and have pepperoni pizzas
and ice cream.
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191. - Oh, goddamn it, you guys.
- Cartman, stay away from that door.
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192. You'll have to come out
sooner or later, boys.
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193. The longer you wait,
the more trouble you'll be in.
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194. - Round one is over. We made it.
- We didn't make it.
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195. Your mom is right, douchebag,
what are we gonna do,
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196. stay in here until we starve?
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197. Our parents would never let us starve.
They're bluffing.
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198. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out
long enough, they'll give in.
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199. But we will have to sleep, dude.
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200. Three of us can sleep
while one keeps watch.
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201. We'll shift every couple of hours.
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202. Hey, this is gonna be
just like Vietnam, huh, fellas?
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203. We'll stay in this room with these
baby cows for as long as it takes.
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204. Well, we tried everything.
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205. We can't get through the door
without tearing apart the house.
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206. Dear God. It's been over 13 hours.
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207. Oh, but my poor little poopsie
must be getting so hungry.
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208. - Maybe we should get them a little food.
- Mrs. Cartman, this is a battle of will.
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209. We need our boys to know
that we're not going to cave in at all.
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210. Oh, all right.
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211. Let's all just go to bed
and let them play their little game
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212. for as long as they can.
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213. - Good night, fellas.
- Good night.
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214. Good night, Patches.
Good night, Halloway.
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215. Good night, Neptune.
Good night, Davis.
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216. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red.
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217. Good night, Paulette.
Good night, Chastity.
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218. Butters, I'm going to kill you
over and over again.
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219. Can't go on. Need food.
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220. I didn't realise
hunger made you feel so bad.
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221. There's only one alternative, you guys.
We're going to have to eat a calf.
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222. No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf.
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223. All right, then we're going to
have to eat Butters.
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224. - He might be right, dude.
- Aw, heck.
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225. - Wait, what is that? Dude!
- Food!
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226. - Mrs. Cartman, what are you doing?
- I just can't stand to see my baby suffer.
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227. Oh, dear God, you've ruined everything.
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228. - All right.
- See? Now we can hold out for weeks.
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229. - Look, you guys. Beef jerky.
- Yeah. And fried chicken.
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230. What?
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231. Dude, what are you guys doing?
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232. - We're eating, dude.
- You're eating meat.
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233. What the hell do you guys think
we're doing all this for?
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234. Hey, I'm doing it
to save little baby cows.
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235. I'm not gonna
stop eating meat altogether.
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236. Me, neither.
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237. Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all,
you become a pussy.
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238. That's fine. You guys can live off of
flesh, but I'm never eating meat again.
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239. Go ahead, that's more for us.
You want some beef jerky, buddy?
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240. Yes, who's your bud? Who's hungry?
Who's a hungry man?
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241. Dude, that's messed up.
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242. Hey, guys, check this out.
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243. Tom, I'm standing in front the house
where four insane boy terrorists
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244. have barricaded themselves inside
a room with 23 live infant cattle.
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245. Hey, look. Some other kids
are doing the same thing we are.
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246. Several attempts to break into the room
have proven unsuccessful, Tom,
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247. and the crisis is intensifying.
Here's what some people had to say.
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248. We were just sleeping when suddenly
we heard all the commotion.
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249. I mean, to think this could happen
right here, in our own community...
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250. We gave those kids everything, and
they've turned into little John Walkers.
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251. The police chief of South Park says
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252. that there will be
no negotiations with terrorists.
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253. Oh, no.
This is big-time trouble now, fellas.
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254. - No, this is exactly what we wanted.
- It is?
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255. Yes. Don't you see? This validates
everything that we're doing.
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256. If we're making the news, then this
is obviously important to people.
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257. Tom, it looks like I have an update.
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258. Yes. It looks like the boy terrorists story
is not interesting news to anyone.
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259. Nothing else was going on, Tom,
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260. so this was the only story
we had to make seem important,
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261. but people are just simply tuning out.
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262. So HBC will now be switching
programming, once again,
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263. to Puppies From Around The World.
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264. I don't believe it.
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265. The Chinese puppy
is my favourite so far.
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266. Butters. Butters, you have
your arm around me!
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267. Oh, sorry, I thought
you were Mr. Pickles.
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268. We must help the helpless
We must save the unsaved
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269. What the hell is that?
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270. For if we fight together
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271. We can make sure the road is paved
for a brighter tomorrow
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272. - Hippies.
- What are they doing here?
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273. We are with you, boys. Your message
is real and your fight is just.
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274. Dude, those gaywads are on our side?
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275. - Ew, they're all dirty.
- What did I tell you, Stan?
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276. We saved some baby cows
from being eaten,
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277. and now we're no-good, dirty,
goddamn hippies!
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278. Tom, the calf terrorist
standoff continues
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279. as now members of the FBI arrive
to put an end to the conflict.
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280. Oh, Jesus Christ.
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281. - Who's in charge here?
- I am. But I don't want to be.
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282. - Where's the negotiator?
- Right here.
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283. - Glen Dumont, negotiator squad.
- All right, see what you can do.
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284. - Dude, are you okay?
- I just feel so run down.
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285. I don't know what's wrong with me.
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286. - I've got these sores.
- What is that?
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287. - Dude, maybe we should end this.
- No.
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288. Get me a hard line
to the phone in that house.
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289. The terrorists already said
there's no way they're coming out.
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290. Don't worry, I'm a negotiator,
it's my job to talk to freaks like this
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291. and bring about a peaceful resolution
using clever psychology.
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292. - Hello?
- Hello.
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293. My name is Mike. I'm a negotiator.
Is it okay if I talk to you?
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294. Hold on. It's some negotiator
named Mike. What do I do?
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295. - Don't give him anything.
- But what do I say?
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296. Give me that. Talk to me, Mike.
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297. I'm here to make sure
we can all end this peacefully.
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298. - You want that, right?
- Sure, sure.
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299. How about we make a trade, just to
show that we can trust each other?
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300. What did you have in mind?
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301. Well, how about you send out
one of the calves?
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302. Oh, Mike, you're breaking
my balls here, Mike.
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303. - Just one. That's all we want.
- All right, how about this?
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304. You guys have all the leverage
and we have nothing.
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305. So how about we give you one calf...
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306. - Cartman, no!
- Dude.
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307. We'll give you one calf, if you'll give us
some guns and ammunition of our own.
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308. What? I can't do that.
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309. Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were talking here,
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310. but I guess you're not
talking to me. Goodbye.
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311. No, no. Wait. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. You're right.
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312. What reason do you have to trust me?
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313. I'm just a guy from Lakewood
trying to make ends meet, you know?
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314. Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
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315. Don't have a dad, Mike.
That's not gonna work.
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316. Oh, all right, some guns.
I'll see what I can do.
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317. Okay, up a little. Left a little.
Almost there.
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318. What is that?
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319. We're giving the boys some guns
in return for a calf.
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320. - What?
- You're giving my baby guns?
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321. Hey! This is
a negotiation process, okay?
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322. Did you people go to negotiator school?
No. You didn't.
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323. Get them on the line for me.
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324. Hello?
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325. Okay, you see that?
I keep my end of the bargain.
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326. All right, we'll keep ours.
We'll send out one calf.
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327. Well, how about
you send out two calves?
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328. Oh, Jesus. You know, there's just
no talking to you, is there, Mike?
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329. We had a deal. Do you think I'm stupid?
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330. - Don't treat me like I'm stupid, here.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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331. Damn it, I'm losing them.
Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.
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332. Oh, no, no, now you're gonna have to
get us something else.
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333. What'd you have in mind?
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334. A little to the left. Okay, that's good.
A little to the right.
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335. - You're giving them a missile?
- Stand down, ma'am. Stand down.
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336. This is a delicate process.
I've almost earned their trust.
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337. Stan's getting worse, you guys.
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338. - Mike, babe.
- How we doing?
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339. We got a real sick kid here, Mike.
Did you get the other things for us?
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340. Well, I did manage to get the FDA
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341. to officially change the word "veal"
to "tortured baby cow."
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342. Good. Good.
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343. But I couldn't get you
North and South Dakota.
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344. Oh, Mike, breaking my balls, Mike.
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345. Now, please,
can we get you to come out?
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346. All right, everything is worked out.
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347. The boys have promised to come out
and bring the cows out with them.
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348. I'm sorry I doubted your abilities,
Mr. Negotiator.
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349. - They're coming out now?
- Yes.
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350. All we need to do in return is get
a cattle transporting semi-truck
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351. that will take the boys and the cattle
to Denver International Airport,
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352. where we'll have
a fully-gassed aeroplane
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353. waiting to take them all to Mexico.
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354. - What?
- And they want the guy
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355. that plays Mr. Worf
on Star Trek to drive the truck.
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356. - In full makeup.
- Jesus Christ.
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357. All right, that does it.
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358. You are, in fact, the worst negotiator
I've ever seen in action.
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359. All right, all right, I'll give you that.
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360. - But in return, I want three staples.
- Get out of here!
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361. We'll get them the semi, and we'll get
them the Worf guy from Star Trek.
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362. If they see that, then they'll come out,
and then, we can take them.
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363. - But isn't that dishonest?
- Maybe so.
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364. But if we don't do something soon,
there could be 50, even 60 people
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365. who have to go without veal for dinner.
Are you prepared to let that happen?
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366. - All right, where is Mr. Dorn?
- I was woken up at 3:00 in morning,
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367. told I had to put on makeup
and come to this town.
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368. - What the hell is going on?
- I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn, it's FBI business.
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369. We've got terrorists making demands
and we need your help.
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370. - This is highly unusual.
- All right, boys, we have your truck,
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371. and we have an aeroplane
on the tarmac at Denver International.
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372. - And Worf?
- My name is Michael Dorn.
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373. I play a character called Worf.
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374. - Stan, it worked.
- It did?
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375. They got us a truck and an aeroplane
and Mr. Worf.
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376. - The calves are gonna be okay.
- Pick me up. I want to see.
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377. Step back. Tell those men to step back.
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378. Do it.
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379. Shut up, you frigging hippies.
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380. All right, Mr. Worf.
Start the engine and put her in gear.
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381. Oh, and you must refer to me
as "Captain."
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382. Where am I supposed to drive to?
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383. No, see, you must say, "Captain,
where am I supposed to drive to?"
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384. Captain, where am I
supposed to drive to?
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385. You're going to back the truck up
to the door of the house,
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386. - So we can safely load in the calves.
- This whole thing is ridiculous.
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387. "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous."
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388. Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous.
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389. Okay, all set.
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390. Tom, it looks as though the terrorists
are now loading the baby cows
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391. into the back of a semi.
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392. This is still
very uninteresting news, Tom.
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393. - Okay, Cartman.
- Step on it, Mr. Worf.
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394. - All right!
- We're going.
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395. Mexico, here we come.
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396. Wait a minute. They're following us.
Full speed, Mr. Worf.
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397. We cannot keep going fast
on these icy roads.
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398. "Captain, we cannot keep going fast
on these icy roads"?
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399. Captain, we cannot keep going fast
on these icy roads.
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400. All right, Mr. Worf.
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401. Then reduce speed to 45, but maintain
distance from those police cruisers.
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402. Stan, we're almost there.
You've got to hold on.
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403. All right, they're in front
of the cattle ranch. Hit it.
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404. Oh, it's a double-cross.
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405. All right, boys. The game is over.
Get out of the truck with your hands up.
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406. Oh, no. No!
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407. What are you waiting for?
Go kill them, Worf.
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408. - I'm not killing anybody.
- Some goddamn Klingon you are.
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409. We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried.
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410. All right, boys. Just stay right there
until your parents arrive.
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411. Can I go now?
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412. Here you go, Mr. Rancher.
I got your cattle back for you.
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413. - Oh. Well, it doesn't matter now.
- What do you mean?
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414. In the 24 hours since the word "veal"
was officially changed
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415. to "little tortured baby cow,"
the market has gone dry.
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416. Seems when people see "little
tortured baby cow" on their menus,
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417. - They don't feel like ordering.
- Really?
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418. Yup. Damn things ain't worth spit now.
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419. I'll let them live outside with
the other cows, and live a normal life.
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420. Do you hear that, Stan? It worked.
We've shut down the veal industry.
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421. Stan? Stan?
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422. He's very lucky you got him here
when you did.
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423. He was in a very advanced state
of Vaginitus.
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424. Vaginitus?
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425. It occurs when
a person stops eating meat.
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426. Those sores on his skin
were actually small vaginas.
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427. If we hadn't stopped it in time,
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428. Stan would have eventually just become
one great, big, giant pussy.
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429. Whoa, dude.
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430. We've got an IV of pure beef blood
pumping into Stan's veins,
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431. - And the sores are fading.
- Thank God we stopped it in time.
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432. Well, I guess
we learnt something today.
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433. It's wrong to eat veal, because
the animals are so horribly mistreated.
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434. But if you don't eat meat at all,
you break out in vaginas.
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435. - Hear, hear.
- All right, boys, it's time to go home.
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436. You've got some
serious grounding time to start.
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437. - I'll say.
- Aw, we're still grounded?
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438. But we learned things
and took up a cause.
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439. Yes, Kyle, but you still
defied your parents.
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440. And you need to learn
that terrorism is never the answer.
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441. That's right, let's get these terrorists
to their rooms.
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442. But first, maybe we can
grab some burgers.
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443. - All right!
- All right!
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