1. I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
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2. Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
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3. Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
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4. Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
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5. Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
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6. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy
Timmy, Timmy
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7. Living a lie, Timmy!
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8. Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
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9. Today on the Maury Povich Show,
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10. these poor, unfortunate people
all have horrible disfigurements,
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11. and you won't believe how
we exploit them for your amusement.
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12. Well, that sounds pretty good.
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13. Hey, Kenny.
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14. That's awesome, Kenny.
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15. Well, now, gosh darn it, fellows,
my name is not Kenny.
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16. - Kenny is dead.
- Okay, Not Kenny.
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17. And I'm not gonna
wear this coat any more, either.
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18. I should be able to be your guys' friends
without wearing Kenny's old coat.
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19. Just be quiet, Not Kenny,
the Maury Povich Freak Show is on.
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20. Oh, all right, then.
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21. Our next guest is a little girl
who was born without a midsection.
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22. Please welcome Damla Jones.
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23. - Hello, Maury.
- Oh, sick, dude.
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24. You're a very brave little girl,
and I am very proud of you.
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25. - Thank you.
- Can you tell the audience
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26. how miserable your life is?
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27. - Yes. It is.
- You're a cutie.
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28. Do the other kids at school
sometimes make fun of you?
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29. Sometimes.
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30. - Do people sometimes stare at you?
- Sometimes.
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31. Do they go, "Oh, gross.
What the hell is that thing?"
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32. I don't know.
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33. Well, your mommy told us
you like to listen to music.
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34. - Yes.
- Well, guess what, Damla?
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35. We're gonna give you a $300
gift certificate to CD World in Torrance.
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36. All right, everyone. Stay tuned,
because next we're going to meet
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37. a woman whose head
was smashed in on a logger,
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38. and we're going to give her a makeover!
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39. This is terrible, dude.
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40. Maury Povich parades
these poor people around
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41. on his show like carnival freaks,
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42. and then gives them prizes
at the end as if to justify it.
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43. What a dick.
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44. Dude, one of us should
make up some disease
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45. and get on the Maury Povich Show
so we can get a prize.
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46. - Cool.
- Oh, yes.
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47. That'd be awesome.
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48. - Do you think they'll believe it?
- What disease should we say?
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49. Be quiet, you guys.
Hello? Is this Maury Povich?
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50. Oh. Well, who the hell are you?
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51. Oh. Well, I'm calling
about your ad for freaks.
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52. Right, I mean people with disabilities.
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53. Yeah, I have a friend.
He has a deformity.
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54. I think he'd be perfect for your show.
Great. His condition?
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55. He has a condition called chinballilitis.
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56. Yes, his balls actually
hang from his chin.
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57. Shut up, guys.
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58. Yes. Yes, of course,
he's very upset about it.
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59. Yes, he cries all the time. Miserable.
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60. - You what... Really?
- What?
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61. Dude, they say they'll fly him out
day after tomorrow.
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62. - Awesome.
- Cool.
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63. Yes, I'm sure I can convince him
to come on the show.
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64. There will of course
be a prize involved?
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65. Great. I'll call you back in an hour.
No, thank you.
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66. - Yes!
- This is going to be so funny.
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67. It sure is.
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68. But how are we gonna get
the balls put on Butters' chin?
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69. Yeah. How are we gonna...
Wait. "Butters' chin"?
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70. - Yeah.
- But that's me. I'm Butters.
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71. We know.
You're the one doing it, Butters.
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72. Who'd you think we were talking about?
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73. Now, hold on just a second, you guys.
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74. Hey, I know how we get
the balls on Butters' chin.
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75. Those Star Trek dorks down the street.
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76. They're always making crazy masks and
special effects for their dumb movies.
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77. - Hang on now...
- Yeah.
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78. I'll bet they could make
a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters.
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79. Wait. Why does it have to be me?
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80. - It has to be you, Butters. Think about it.
- Yeah.
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81. But, fellas, if I go on Maury Povich
with my balls on my chin,
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82. my parents are gonna be really mad.
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83. We'll just tell your parents we're going
on a camping trip with my parents.
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84. - They'll never know.
- I'm sorry, but the answer is...
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85. Kenny would have done it.
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86. So? I told you guys before,
I'm not Kenny.
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87. We know. Believe me, we know.
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88. We're reminded every day that you're
not Kenny because Kenny was cool.
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89. Yeah, God, I wish Kenny was still alive.
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90. He'd put balls on his chin.
He was such an awesome friend.
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91. Well, come on, guys.
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92. If Butters won't even
put his balls on his chin for us,
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93. - I guess we know where we stand.
- Yeah.
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94. Gee whiz, you promise
my mom and dad won't find out?
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95. Now, we're going to apply the latex
with some spirit gum.
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96. - That spirit gum sure is stinky.
- Where'd you get the balls from?
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97. We made a plastic mould of his chin,
and then made a latex scrotum
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98. and put two golf balls inside.
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99. - Nice.
- Now, we just blend the skin tones,
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100. add a little hair, and presto.
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101. - Wow.
- That looks awesome.
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102. I feel silly.
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103. They look great on you,
Butters, they really do.
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104. I believe you owe us payment now?
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105. All right. The original Avid cut
of Star Wars: Episode One.
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106. - Wow.
- They weren't lying.
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107. Why the hell
would they want that, anyway?
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108. Episode One sucked balls.
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109. Yeah, it sucked hairy Butters' chin balls.
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110. Stop it, man!
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111. Gay Air Flight 243
with service to New York
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112. - now ready for general boarding.
- That's your flight, Butters.
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113. Okay, here's your ticket,
and they're gonna have a car
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114. - Waiting for you at the gate in New York.
- Wait. You guys aren't coming with me?
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115. Hell, no, dude,
then we couldn't watch you on TV.
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116. Hold on a minute, guys.
I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go.
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117. God, isn't Butters awesome
for doing this, you guys?
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118. Yeah, he sure is.
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119. Doing all this to bring us back a prize.
What a great friend.
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120. Butters! Butters!
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121. Well, all right, then.
See you guys tomorrow.
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122. Thanks for coming on the show, kid.
Maury is very excited to meet you.
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123. And this is the green room
where you can hang out
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124. with the other guests
until we call for you on set.
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125. Boy with Balls on Chin,
this is Man with Foot on Head,
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126. Girl with Rapid Ageing Disease,
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127. Disfigured Country Singer,
and Man with No Face.
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128. Wow, scooped-out-face guy,
I've seen you on TV before.
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129. - Yes, this is my sixth appearance.
- I'll come back in a bit, folks.
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130. Hey, Roger, what the hell is with
these horrible veggie platters?
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131. Yeah, we told you last time
we want fresher vegetables.
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132. I'm sorry, this is what
the studio provides.
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133. Just take a seat on the couch, kid,
I'll be back in a minute.
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134. Boy with Balls on His Chin,
haven't seen you around.
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135. How long you been on the circuit?
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136. - What circuit?
- The talk show circuit.
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137. Don't tell us this is your first one?
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138. Well, yeah.
You've all done it more than once?
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139. Oprah two times. Jenny Jones once.
Sally Jessy five times.
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140. - You've only done Jenny once?
- I hate doing the Jenny Jones show.
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141. They don't even have
their own hair people.
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142. I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.
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143. Yeah, you picked
a good show to do first, kid,
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144. but you need to learn the ropes.
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145. There are a lot of people like you
all over the country,
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146. and we all do talk shows for a living.
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147. We all know each other
and we all kind of stick together
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148. to make sure our industry is protected.
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149. Yeah. Like when someone lies
about being a freak.
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150. Oh, they... They do, huh?
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151. Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition
to go on these shows,
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152. and then take our money away.
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153. - We don't take kindly to that.
- Well, I can certainly see why.
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154. It's okay, folks don't do it any more.
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155. Not after they saw
what we did to Lobster Boy.
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156. - Lobster Boy?
- Yeah.
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157. Lobster Boy used to make appearances
on all the talk shows.
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158. He was one of the most popular
disfigured people on TV.
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159. But then one day we all found out that
Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all.
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160. - He was just an actual lobster.
- Lying sack of crap.
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161. - So you know what we did to him?
- What?
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162. One night all us freaks got together
and we boiled him alive.
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163. Now Lobster Boy is no more.
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164. Yeah, I hate when people
fake conditions, too. Stupid fakers.
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165. We're glad you agree.
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166. Okay, Boy with Balls on His Chin.
You're up next.
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167. Oh, Jesus, see me through this.
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168. Today on the Maury Povich Show
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169. we bring back some of our favourite
disfigured people,
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170. and introduce you to some new ones.
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171. - Here it comes.
- This is gonna be awesome.
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172. Our next guest suffers
from a rare birth defect
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173. which caused his testicles
and scrotum to grow from his chin.
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174. "Testicles and scrotum."
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175. Please welcome eight-
and-a-half-year-old Napoleon Bonaparte
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176. from South Park, Colorado.
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177. Thanks so much
for coming on our show.
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178. Oh, that's okay, I suppose.
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179. - So, is it tough being different?
- Yeah.
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180. And do all the kids at school
make fun of you?
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181. They sure do.
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182. They always say to me,
"Butters, you're not Kenny."
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183. But I never said I was Kenny.
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184. They say, "Kenny would do this,
and Kenny would do that."
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185. - We're losing him.
- I'm tired of it.
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186. You hear me, fellas? Kenny's dead,
and you just have to deal with it.
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187. Yeah. But I mean
do the kids at school make fun of you
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188. - Because of your condition?
- What condition?
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189. - You have balls that hang off your chin.
- I do? Oh. I mean, yeah, I do.
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190. Yeah, the kids at school
make fun of me for that.
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191. That was close.
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192. What names do they call you at school?
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193. Well, I guess they call me
"Chinball Boy."
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194. And "Ballchin Boy."
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195. When I'm walking,
they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs."
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196. And do they call you "freak"?
And "weirdo"?
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197. - Well, yeah, I suppose.
- And do they point at you and laugh?
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198. Do they make you wish
you'd never been born?
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199. Make you wish to put an end to
the whole, miserable, wretched earth?
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200. Sure.
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201. Well, Napoleon,
we have a surprise for you.
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202. - Wait, here it is. Here it is.
- The presents.
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203. Because you are such a brave
little chinballed man,
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204. we're gonna send you
directly from this studio
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205. to the world's largest
putt-putt golf course in the world.
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206. - Really?
- Wow.
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207. Did he say the largest
putt-putt golf course in the world?
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208. Go on. You're going right now.
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209. But that's not fair.
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210. That means Butters gets to go
and we don't.
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211. Yeah. We thought of the whole thing.
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212. Once again, Butters is trying
to screw us over. That asshole!
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213. Hello, is this the Maury Povich Show?
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214. Yes, hello, I'm calling because
I saw your television programme,
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215. and I also have balls
hanging from my chin.
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216. I'd like to come on
and talk about my disorder, and perhaps
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217. get a free trip to the largest
putt-putt golf course in the world?
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218. I'm sorry, but we're done
doing freak shows for now.
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219. We're looking for people
for a new topic.
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220. - What's the new topic?
- "Please help my out-of-control child."
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221. - Oh. Hey, I'm out of control.
- Really?
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222. Is your mother in tears every day
over how disobedient you are?
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223. Sure.
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224. Does she worry about you doing drugs
and having sex at such a young age?
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225. Yeah, sure.
I do crack and potpourri and gweezies.
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226. Well, that's great.
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227. If you can get your mom
to come on with you,
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228. we'd love to fly you out.
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229. My mom?
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230. Mom...
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231. - Yes, sweetie?
- Could you do me a favour?
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232. What's that, my little man?
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233. Could you go on
the Maury Povich Show with me
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234. and say that I'm out of control
and do drugs and have sex
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235. so that I can go to the largest
putt-putt golf course in the world?
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236. But you're not out of control, muffin.
You're my perfect little gumdrop.
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237. I'm just asking you to lie for me.
You love me, don't you?
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238. Of course I do.
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239. Oh, I have such a pretty mother,
such a wonderful mother.
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240. - Sweetie, don't.
- Then it's settled.
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241. Oh, I've got such a great mother,
such a beautiful mother.
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242. Just what did you think
you were doing, Butters?
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243. Not only did you lie to us
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244. and say you were on a camping trip
with Kyle's family,
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245. you made a fool of yourself
and us on national television.
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246. I'm sorry, Mom.
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247. Well, "sorry" isn't gonna make it
this time, mister.
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248. You know, your grandmother
saw the show and had a mild stroke.
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249. Gee, I didn't mean
to almost kill Grandma.
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250. I promise I'll never go on TV
with balls on my chin again.
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251. You better believe you won't, buster.
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252. Your father and I have to leave now
to visit Grandma in the hospital,
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253. but you can just
take those balls off your chin
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254. - And march right up to your room.
- Yes, ma'am.
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255. Serves me right, putting balls
on my chin and lying about it.
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256. Why, I should be grounded for a month.
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257. Why do I do these things?
Why can't I behave myself?
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258. Hey, Butters,
those other freak people from the show
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259. - Were just over here looking for you.
- Oh, Jesus, they were?
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260. - Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
- Oh, God, what'd you tell them?
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261. - I told them where to find you.
- What?
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262. Why the heck would you do that?
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263. They wanna kill me
for not being a real freak.
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264. Oh. Well, it serves you right
for screwing us over.
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265. Oh, Jesus, no.
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266. They've come to boil me alive,
just like Lobster Boy.
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267. I gotta get out of here.
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268. Wait. I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded.
Oh, Christ, what a pickle.
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269. Napoleon?
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270. Napoleon Bonaparte?
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271. I think he's up here.
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272. Oh, hello, folks. What's the problem?
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273. There you are,
Boy with Balls on His Chin.
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274. We've got big news.
The union is striking.
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275. - The union. Oh, that's why you came?
- We're tired of our crappy prizes.
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276. So, the union president,
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277. Man with Terrible Skin Condition,
has told us to round everyone up.
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278. Oh, I can't freak strike, fellas,
I'm grounded.
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279. Grounded for what?
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280. For having balls on my...
I mean, nothing. I'm not grounded.
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281. Good. Then you can march with us.
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282. - Freaks of the world, unite!
- Unite!
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283. Today on Maury Povich,
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284. these moms don't know what to do
with their out-of-control kids.
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285. Young boys and girls
so whorish on our show
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286. that it borders on child pornography.
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287. We're here talking with moms who think
their children are out of control.
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288. Now, Vanessa here says that
her 13-year-old daughter, Vanity,
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289. is already doing drugs
and having sex with older men.
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290. Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you
when you tell her to do her homework?
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291. She says she hates me.
She calls me "retard."
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292. Then she says my cooze is all dried up
and nobody wants it.
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293. Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity.
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294. - Boo!
- Boo!
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295. Whatever. Whatever.
You... suckers don't know...
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296. you.
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297. Wow, Vanity, you are really
an out-of-control teen.
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298. Yeah!
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299. - Maury!
- Maury!
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300. Whatever. Maury, my mom don't know...
You can ask her.
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301. I ask all my homies
if they be down with it, you know.
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302. It's all good...
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303. - Boo!
- Boo!
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304. you, suckers!
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305. Jeez, that girl is pissed off.
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306. Okay, Cartman family,
you're on in two minutes.
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307. Why can't you just listen to me
and love me...
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308. Shut up. Shut the... up,
you dried-up skank.
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309. I'm glad you're not
like that, poopsiekins.
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310. But if I'm not
the most out-of-control teen,
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311. I might not win the prize.
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312. Excuse me, I want
to make a quick change.
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313. - Where's wardrobe?
- Second door on the right.
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314. - Strike! Strike! Strike!
- Strike! Strike! Strike!
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315. - Strike! Strike! Strike!
- Strike! Strike! Strike!
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316. Brothers and sisters, the time has come
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317. for us to be treated
with the respect we deserve.
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318. We are a strong
and diverse group of people,
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319. with members like
Woman with Crab-Like Body,
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320. Incredibly Obese Black Person,
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321. Man with Brains Outside of Head,
and Liza Minnelli.
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322. The talk shows have us on
and give us little gifts and perks,
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323. while they make
tens of thousands of dollars.
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324. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
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325. We told the talk shows our demands
and they laughed.
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326. They say they can get plenty of other
stupid guests to go on their shows,
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327. so we must picket those other guests.
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328. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
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329. Oh, gosh, I need to go.
I can't picket, guys.
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330. - You're not gonna picket?
- Who's not gonna picket?
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331. Boy with Balls on Chin
doesn't want to picket.
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332. It's just that my parents... I can't picket.
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333. - Why? You're not a scab are you?
- No, I'm not a scab.
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334. Now, we will split up into groups
and form picket lines.
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335. The first group will be led
by Incredibly Obese Black Man.
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336. Excuse me, I'm not
Incredibly Obese Black Man.
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337. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.
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338. Oh, right. My bad.
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339. And now, back to more kids
who are out of control
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340. on the Maury Povich Show.
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341. Our next mother is Liane Cartman.
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342. Her son claims to be the most
out-of-control kid in the world,
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343. and says there's nothing
his stupid mom can do about it.
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344. - Why won't you kids behave?
- Shut up, skank! He's not talking to you.
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345. So, Miss Cartman,
you can't control your child?
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346. Oh, my little poopsiekins
gets into no-nos once in a while,
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347. but he's still my perfect
little sumpsie-kittles.
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348. Well, your son made a video backstage.
Let's take a look.
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349. Maury, I am out of control.
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350. Yeah, I use drugs,
I can do what I want, bitch.
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351. Yeah, I have sex
and I don't use protection.
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352. It's my hot body. I'll do what I want.
I don't go to school and I kill people.
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353. Whatever. I'll do what I want.
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354. - Boo!
- Boo!
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355. Oh, he's such a cutie.
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356. Well, let's bring him out.
Here is Eric Cartman.
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357. - Boo!
- Boo!
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358. Whatever. Whatever.
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359. Maury, my mom can't control me.
Ask her. Go on, ask her.
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360. Miss Cartman, what does
your son like to do?
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361. He loves playing with his Clyde Frog
and Wellington Bear.
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362. Mom, we're pretending, remember?
Sex and drugs.
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363. Oh, I mean sex and drugs.
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364. Whatever. Whatever. I'll do what I want.
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365. Oh, whatever, you ain't tough, ho.
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366. - I run with gangs.
- Oh, yeah?
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367. I run with 12 gangs,
and we only commit hate crimes.
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368. Whatever, I'll do what I want.
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369. Whatever.
You ain't bad, you ain't nothing.
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370. I ditch class and go shoot heroin
in the school bathroom.
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371. Whatever. I ran for Congress and won.
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372. Then I had sex with an intern,
killed her, and hid her body.
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373. Whatever. I'll do what I want.
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374. - What do we want?
- Better prizes!
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375. - When do we want them?
- Now!
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376. - What do we want?
- Better prizes.
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377. - When do we want them?
- Now.
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378. Sir, I really gotta go home.
My parents are gonna be sore at me.
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379. Napoleon, you need
to understand something.
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380. For a union to work, all members
must be prepared to make sacrifices
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381. - And stick together.
- But I gotta get back to my family.
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382. We're your family, too, Napoleon.
We're like you.
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383. When we look at you, we don't
even see the testicles on your chin.
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384. We see the testicles in your heart.
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385. - What do we want?
- Better prizes!
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386. - When do we want them?
- Now!
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387. Oh, hamburgers,
this just keeps on getting worse.
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388. Okay, folks, we're going
to have to move along.
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389. Why? We're a union
and we have a right to picket.
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390. I'm sorry, but the government
does not recognise you as a union.
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391. - You'll have to go.
- What are you saying?
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392. That because of our appearance,
our organisation is less important?
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393. Now, now, now,
I'm not telling you people
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394. that your union doesn't matter.
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395. I'm just telling you that
you're not really people.
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396. All right. That does it.
It's time to bring out the big guns.
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397. - Prepare the video sabotage.
- Oh, no, not the video sabotage.
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398. Who is the most out-of-control child?
We're back with Maury.
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399. We're here talking with moms who think
their children are out of control.
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400. Whatever.
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401. I slaughtered five baby seals
with my bare hands.
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402. Whatever. I'll do what I want.
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403. Now, let's meet Joline. Joline says
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404. that her daughter is also out of control,
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405. that she's flirting with older men
and she's only four months old.
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406. - That's right, Maury.
- Let's bring her out. Here's Chantal.
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407. - Boo!
- Boo!
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408. So, Joline, exactly how
is your daughter out of control?
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409. You say she flirts with older men?
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410. Maury, it's like this. Whenever
I have friends over to the house,
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411. Chantal will come waltzing
into the living room completely naked.
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412. Whatever.
I helped in a drive-by shooting.
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413. Whatever. I digitally put Jabba the Hut
back into the original Star Wars movie.
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414. - I'll do what I want.
- Wow. That is out of control.
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415. Why, just last night, I had three
gentlemen callers over to my house,
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416. and Chantal took her clothes off
right in front of everybody.
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417. - Boo!
- Boo!
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418. You see? There she goes.
There she goes.
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419. Whore. You goddamn whore.
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420. - Attention, Maury viewers.
- What the hell is this?
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421. A lot of decent, hard-working freaks in
America are losing their talk show jobs
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422. to freaks of a different nature.
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423. Sure, everyone in this great country
of ours is a freak.
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424. But true physically deformed freaks
must be recognised,
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425. for it is these real freaks
that make you all feel better
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426. about yourselves for not being one.
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427. So next time you're watching television,
make sure it's a show with freak-freaks,
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428. and not just with people that are freaks
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429. because they're stupid trailer trash
from the South.
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430. That's what we mean when we say,
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431. "Look for the true freak label."
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432. Look for the true freak label
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433. When you are watching a TV talk show
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434. Remember, somewhere
a union's growing
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435. Our wages going to feed the kids
and run the house
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436. We work hard, but who's complaining?
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437. With TFU we're making our way
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438. So always look for the true freak label
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439. Because you need us
right here in the USA
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440. Sorry, America. A little glitch there.
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441. - Anyway...
- They're right.
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442. We should have never
crossed that picket line.
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443. - Come on, honey.
- Yeah, man.
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444. Wait. Wait, come back.
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445. Maybe we can make
the other out-of-control kids
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446. take their clothes off, too.
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447. Whatever. I'll crap in Maury's pants.
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448. Sir, the ratings have just
started to plummet.
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449. Those damn freaks!
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450. I gave you shoes and groceries,
and this is how you repay me?
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451. Very well.
Come upstairs, and we'll negotiate.
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452. - Hurray!
- Hurray!
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453. - We did it. The strike worked!
- Now we can go on with our careers.
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454. Well, thank God that's over.
Now I can get back home.
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455. Butters, you have screwed me
out of a prize for the last time.
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456. Oh, double hamburgers.
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457. Jesus Christ. That out-of-control kid
ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off.
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458. - Get him!
- Yeah!
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459. Hey, things actually
turned out okay for me this time.
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460. - Butters?
- Oh, I know.
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