South Park 6x3

1. Today on the Maury Povich Show,

2. these poor, unfortunate people all have horrible disfigurements,

3. and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement.

4. Well, that sounds pretty good.

5. Hey, Kenny.

6. That's awesome, Kenny.

7. Well, now, gosh darn it, fellows, my name is not Kenny.

8. - Kenny is dead. - Okay, Not Kenny.

9. And I'm not gonna wear this coat any more, either.

10. I should be able to be your guys' friends without wearing Kenny's old coat.

11. Just be quiet, Not Kenny, the Maury Povich Freak Show is on.

12. Oh, all right, then.

13. Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection.

14. Please welcome Damla Jones.

15. - Hello, Maury. - Oh, sick, dude.

16. You're a very brave little girl, and I am very proud of you.

17. - Thank you. - Can you tell the audience

18. how miserable your life is?

19. - Yes. It is. - You're a cutie.

20. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you?

21. Sometimes.

22. - Do people sometimes stare at you? - Sometimes.

23. Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing?"

24. I don't know.

25. Well, your mommy told us you like to listen to music.

26. - Yes. - Well, guess what, Damla?

27. We're gonna give you a $300 gift certificate to CD World in Torrance.

28. All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're going to meet

29. a woman whose head was smashed in on a logger,

30. and we're going to give her a makeover!

31. This is terrible, dude.

32. Maury Povich parades these poor people around

33. on his show like carnival freaks,

34. and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it.

35. What a dick.

36. Dude, one of us should make up some disease

37. and get on the Maury Povich Show so we can get a prize.

38. - Cool. - Oh, yes.

39. That'd be awesome.

40. - Do you think they'll believe it? - What disease should we say?

41. Be quiet, you guys. Hello? Is this Maury Povich?

42. Oh. Well, who the hell are you?

43. Oh. Well, I'm calling about your ad for freaks.

44. Right, I mean people with disabilities.

45. Yeah, I have a friend. He has a deformity.

46. I think he'd be perfect for your show. Great. His condition?

47. He has a condition called chinballilitis.

48. Yes, his balls actually hang from his chin.

49. Shut up, guys.

50. Yes. Yes, of course, he's very upset about it.

51. Yes, he cries all the time. Miserable.

52. - You what... Really? - What?

53. Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow.

54. - Awesome. - Cool.

55. Yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show.

56. There will of course be a prize involved?

57. Great. I'll call you back in an hour. No, thank you.

58. - Yes! - This is going to be so funny.

59. It sure is.

60. But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin?

61. Yeah. How are we gonna... Wait. "Butters' chin"?

62. - Yeah. - But that's me. I'm Butters.

63. We know. You're the one doing it, Butters.

64. Who'd you think we were talking about?

65. Now, hold on just a second, you guys.

66. Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butters' chin.

67. Those Star Trek dorks down the street.

68. They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.

69. - Hang on now... - Yeah.

70. I'll bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters.

71. Wait. Why does it have to be me?

72. - It has to be you, Butters. Think about it. - Yeah.

73. But, fellas, if I go on Maury Povich with my balls on my chin,

74. my parents are gonna be really mad.

75. We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents.

76. - They'll never know. - I'm sorry, but the answer is...

77. Kenny would have done it.

78. So? I told you guys before, I'm not Kenny.

79. We know. Believe me, we know.

80. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny was cool.

81. Yeah, God, I wish Kenny was still alive.

82. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend.

83. Well, come on, guys.

84. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us,

85. - I guess we know where we stand. - Yeah.

86. Gee whiz, you promise my mom and dad won't find out?

87. Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spirit gum.

88. - That spirit gum sure is stinky. - Where'd you get the balls from?

89. We made a plastic mould of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum

90. and put two golf balls inside.

91. - Nice. - Now, we just blend the skin tones,

92. add a little hair, and presto.

93. - Wow. - That looks awesome.

94. I feel silly.

95. They look great on you, Butters, they really do.

96. I believe you owe us payment now?

97. All right. The original Avid cut of Star Wars: Episode One.

98. - Wow. - They weren't lying.

99. Why the hell would they want that, anyway?

100. Episode One sucked balls.

101. Yeah, it sucked hairy Butters' chin balls.

102. Stop it, man!

103. Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York

104. - now ready for general boarding. - That's your flight, Butters.

105. Okay, here's your ticket, and they're gonna have a car

106. - waiting for you at the gate in New York. - Wait. You guys aren't coming with me?

107. Hell, no, dude, then we couldn't watch you on TV.

108. Hold on a minute, guys. I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go.

109. God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys?

110. Yeah, he sure is.

111. Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend.

112. Butters! Butters!

113. Well, all right, then. See you guys tomorrow.

114. Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you.

115. And this is the green room where you can hang out

116. with the other guests until we call for you on set.

117. Boy with Balls on Chin, this is Man with Foot on Head,

118. Girl with Rapid Ageing Disease,

119. Disfigured Country Singer, and Man with No Face.

120. Wow, scooped-out-face guy, I've seen you on TV before.

121. - Yes, this is my sixth appearance. - I'll come back in a bit, folks.

122. Hey, Roger, what the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?

123. Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables.

124. I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides.

125. Just take a seat on the couch, kid, I'll be back in a minute.

126. Boy with Balls on His Chin, haven't seen you around.

127. How long you been on the circuit?

128. - What circuit? - The talk show circuit.

129. Don't tell us this is your first one?

130. Well, yeah. You've all done it more than once?

131. Oprah two times. Jenny Jones once. Sally Jessy five times.

132. - You've only done Jenny once? - I hate doing the Jenny Jones show.

133. They don't even have their own hair people.

134. I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.

135. Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid,

136. but you need to learn the ropes.

137. There are a lot of people like you all over the country,

138. and we all do talk shows for a living.

139. We all know each other and we all kind of stick together

140. to make sure our industry is protected.

141. Yeah. Like when someone lies about being a freak.

142. Oh, they... They do, huh?

143. Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows,

144. and then take our money away.

145. - We don't take kindly to that. - Well, I can certainly see why.

146. It's okay, folks don't do it any more.

147. Not after they saw what we did to Lobster Boy.

148. - Lobster Boy? - Yeah.

149. Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows.

150. He was one of the most popular disfigured people on TV.

151. But then one day we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all.

152. - He was just an actual lobster. - Lying sack of crap.

153. - So you know what we did to him? - What?

154. One night all us freaks got together and we boiled him alive.

155. Now Lobster Boy is no more.

156. Yeah, I hate when people fake conditions, too. Stupid fakers.

157. We're glad you agree.

158. Okay, Boy with Balls on His Chin. You're up next.

159. Oh, Jesus, see me through this.

160. Today on the Maury Povich Show

161. we bring back some of our favourite disfigured people,

162. and introduce you to some new ones.

163. - Here it comes. - This is gonna be awesome.

164. Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect

165. which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin.

166. "Testicles and scrotum."

167. Please welcome eight- and-a-half-year-old Napoleon Bonaparte

168. from South Park, Colorado.

169. Thanks so much for coming on our show.

170. Oh, that's okay, I suppose.

171. - So, is it tough being different? - Yeah.

172. And do all the kids at school make fun of you?

173. They sure do.

174. They always say to me, "Butters, you're not Kenny."

175. But I never said I was Kenny.

176. They say, "Kenny would do this, and Kenny would do that."

177. - We're losing him. - I'm tired of it.

178. You hear me, fellas? Kenny's dead, and you just have to deal with it.

179. Yeah. But I mean do the kids at school make fun of you

180. - because of your condition? - What condition?

181. - You have balls that hang off your chin. - I do? Oh. I mean, yeah, I do.

182. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that.

183. That was close.

184. What names do they call you at school?

185. Well, I guess they call me "Chinball Boy."

186. And "Ballchin Boy."

187. When I'm walking, they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs."

188. And do they call you "freak"? And "weirdo"?

189. - Well, yeah, I suppose. - And do they point at you and laugh?

190. Do they make you wish you'd never been born?

191. Make you wish to put an end to the whole, miserable, wretched earth?

192. Sure.

193. Well, Napoleon, we have a surprise for you.

194. - Wait, here it is. Here it is. - The presents.

195. Because you are such a brave little chinballed man,

196. we're gonna send you directly from this studio

197. to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world.

198. - Really? - Wow.

199. Did he say the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?

200. Go on. You're going right now.

201. But that's not fair.

202. That means Butters gets to go and we don't.

203. Yeah. We thought of the whole thing.

204. Once again, Butters is trying to screw us over. That asshole!

205. Hello, is this the Maury Povich Show?

206. Yes, hello, I'm calling because I saw your television programme,

207. and I also have balls hanging from my chin.

208. I'd like to come on and talk about my disorder, and perhaps

209. get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?

210. I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now.

211. We're looking for people for a new topic.

212. - What's the new topic? - "Please help my out-of-control child."

213. - Oh. Hey, I'm out of control. - Really?

214. Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are?

215. Sure.

216. Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age?

217. Yeah, sure. I do crack and potpourri and gweezies.

218. Well, that's great.

219. If you can get your mom to come on with you,

220. we'd love to fly you out.

221. My mom?

222. Mom...

223. - Yes, sweetie? - Could you do me a favour?

224. What's that, my little man?

225. Could you go on the Maury Povich Show with me

226. and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex

227. so that I can go to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?

228. But you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gumdrop.

229. I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you?

230. Of course I do.

231. Oh, I have such a pretty mother, such a wonderful mother.

232. - Sweetie, don't. - Then it's settled.

233. Oh, I've got such a great mother, such a beautiful mother.

234. Just what did you think you were doing, Butters?

235. Not only did you lie to us

236. and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family,

237. you made a fool of yourself and us on national television.

238. I'm sorry, Mom.

239. Well, "sorry" isn't gonna make it this time, mister.

240. You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke.

241. Gee, I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma.

242. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.

243. You better believe you won't, buster.

244. Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital,

245. but you can just take those balls off your chin

246. - and march right up to your room. - Yes, ma'am.

247. Serves me right, putting balls on my chin and lying about it.

248. Why, I should be grounded for a month.

249. Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself?

250. Hey, Butters, those other freak people from the show

251. - were just over here looking for you. - Oh, Jesus, they were?

252. - Yeah, they wanted to find you bad. - Oh, God, what'd you tell them?

253. - I told them where to find you. - What?

254. Why the heck would you do that?

255. They wanna kill me for not being a real freak.

256. Oh. Well, it serves you right for screwing us over.

257. Oh, Jesus, no.

258. They've come to boil me alive, just like Lobster Boy.

259. I gotta get out of here.

260. Wait. I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh, Christ, what a pickle.

261. Napoleon?

262. Napoleon Bonaparte?

263. I think he's up here.

264. Oh, hello, folks. What's the problem?

265. There you are, Boy with Balls on His Chin.

266. We've got big news. The union is striking.

267. - The union. Oh, that's why you came? - We're tired of our crappy prizes.

268. So, the union president,

269. Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up.

270. Oh, I can't freak strike, fellas, I'm grounded.

271. Grounded for what?

272. For having balls on my... I mean, nothing. I'm not grounded.

273. Good. Then you can march with us.

274. - Freaks of the world, unite! - Unite!

275. Today on Maury Povich,

276. these moms don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids.

277. Young boys and girls so whorish on our show

278. that it borders on child pornography.

279. We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control.

280. Now, Vanessa here says that her 13-year-old daughter, Vanity,

281. is already doing drugs and having sex with older men.

282. Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her to do her homework?

283. She says she hates me. She calls me "retard."

284. Then she says my cooze is all dried up and nobody wants it.

285. Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity.

286. - Boo! - Boo!

287. Whatever. Whatever. You fucking cock suckers don't know shit

288. fuck you.

289. Wow, Vanity, you are really an out-of-control teen.

290. Yeah!

291. - Maury! - Maury!

292. Whatever. Maury, my mom don't know shit You can ask her.

293. I ask all my homies if they be down with it, you know.

294. It's all good shit

295. - Boo! - Boo!

296. fuck you cock suckers!

297. Jeez, that girl is pissed off.

298. Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes.

299. Why can't you just listen to me and love me...

300. Shut up. Shut the fuck up, you dried-up skank.

301. I'm glad you're not like that, poopsiekins.

302. But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen,

303. I might not win the prize.

304. Excuse me, I want to make a quick change.

305. - Where's wardrobe? - Second door on the right.

306. - Strike! Strike! Strike! - Strike! Strike! Strike!

307. - Strike! Strike! Strike! - Strike! Strike! Strike!

308. Brothers and sisters, the time has come

309. for us to be treated with the respect we deserve.

310. We are a strong and diverse group of people,

311. with members like Woman with Crab-Like Body,

312. Incredibly Obese Black Person,

313. Man with Brains Outside of Head, and Liza Minnelli.

314. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks,

315. while they make tens of thousands of dollars.

316. - Yeah! - Yeah!

317. We told the talk shows our demands and they laughed.

318. They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows,

319. so we must picket those other guests.

320. - Yeah! - Yeah!

321. Oh, gosh, I need to go. I can't picket, guys.

322. - You're not gonna picket? - Who's not gonna picket?

323. Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't want to picket.

324. It's just that my parents... I can't picket.

325. - Why? You're not a scab are you? - No, I'm not a scab.

326. Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines.

327. The first group will be led by Incredibly Obese Black Man.

328. Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man.

329. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.

330. Oh, right. My bad.

331. And now, back to more kids who are out of control

332. on the Maury Povich Show.

333. Our next mother is Liane Cartman.

334. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world,

335. and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it.

336. - Why won't you kids behave? - Shut up, skank! He's not talking to you.

337. So, Miss Cartman, you can't control your child?

338. Oh, my little poopsiekins gets into no-nos once in a while,

339. but he's still my perfect little sumpsie-kittles.

340. Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look.

341. Maury, I am out of control.

342. Yeah, I use drugs, I can do what I want, bitch.

343. Yeah, I have sex and I don't use protection.

344. It's my hot body. I'll do what I want. I don't go to school and I kill people.

345. Whatever. I'll do what I want.

346. - Boo! - Boo!

347. Oh, he's such a cutie.

348. Well, let's bring him out. Here is Eric Cartman.

349. - Boo! - Boo!

350. Whatever. Whatever.

351. Maury, my mom can't control me. Ask her. Go on, ask her.

352. Miss Cartman, what does your son like to do?

353. He loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear.

354. Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs.

355. Oh, I mean sex and drugs.

356. Whatever. Whatever. I'll do what I want.

357. Oh, whatever, you ain't tough, ho.

358. - I run with gangs. - Oh, yeah?

359. I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes.

360. Whatever, I'll do what I want.

361. Whatever. You ain't bad, you ain't nothing.

362. I ditch class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom.

363. Whatever. I ran for Congress and won.

364. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, and hid her body.

365. Whatever. I'll do what I want.

366. - What do we want? - Better prizes!

367. - When do we want them? - Now!

368. - What do we want? - Better prizes.

369. - When do we want them? - Now.

370. Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me.

371. Napoleon, you need to understand something.

372. For a union to work, all members must be prepared to make sacrifices

373. - and stick together. - But I gotta get back to my family.

374. We're your family, too, Napoleon. We're like you.

375. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin.

376. We see the testicles in your heart.

377. - What do we want? - Better prizes!

378. - When do we want them? - Now!

379. Oh, hamburgers, this just keeps on getting worse.

380. Okay, folks, we're going to have to move along.

381. Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket.

382. I'm sorry, but the government does not recognise you as a union.

383. - You'll have to go. - What are you saying?

384. That because of our appearance, our organisation is less important?

385. Now, now, now, I'm not telling you people

386. that your union doesn't matter.

387. I'm just telling you that you're not really people.

388. All right. That does it. It's time to bring out the big guns.

389. - Prepare the video sabotage. - Oh, no, not the video sabotage.

390. Who is the most out-of-control child? We're back with Maury.

391. We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control.

392. Whatever.

393. I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands.

394. Whatever. I'll do what I want.

395. Now, let's meet Joline. Joline says

396. that her daughter is also out of control,

397. that she's flirting with older men and she's only four months old.

398. - That's right, Maury. - Let's bring her out. Here's Chantal.

399. - Boo! - Boo!

400. So, Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control?

401. You say she flirts with older men?

402. Maury, it's like this. Whenever I have friends over to the house,

403. Chantal will come waltzing into the living room completely naked.

404. Whatever. I helped in a drive-by shooting.

405. Whatever. I digitally put Jabba the Hut back into the original Star Wars movie.

406. - I'll do what I want. - Wow. That is out of control.

407. Why, just last night, I had three gentlemen callers over to my house,

408. and Chantal took her clothes off right in front of everybody.

409. - Boo! - Boo!

410. You see? There she goes. There she goes.

411. Whore. You goddamn whore.

412. - Attention, Maury viewers. - What the hell is this?

413. A lot of decent, hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk show jobs

414. to freaks of a different nature.

415. Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak.

416. But true physically deformed freaks must be recognised,

417. for it is these real freaks that make you all feel better

418. about yourselves for not being one.

419. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with freak-freaks,

420. and not just with people that are freaks

421. because they're stupid trailer trash from the South.

422. That's what we mean when we say,

423. "Look for the true freak label."

424. Look for the true freak label

425. When you are watching a TV talk show

426. Remember, somewhere a union's growing

427. Our wages going to feed the kids and run the house

428. We work hard, but who's complaining?

429. With TFU we're making our way

430. So always look for the true freak label

431. Because you need us right here in the USA

432. Sorry, America. A little glitch there.

433. - Anyway... - They're right.

434. We should have never crossed that picket line.

435. - Come on, honey. - Yeah, man.

436. Wait. Wait, come back.

437. Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids

438. take their clothes off, too.

439. Whatever. I'll crap in Maury's pants.

440. Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet.

441. Those damn freaks!

442. I gave you shoes and groceries, and this is how you repay me?

443. Very well. Come upstairs, and we'll negotiate.

444. - Hurray! - Hurray!

445. - We did it. The strike worked! - Now we can go on with our careers.

446. Well, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home.

447. Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time.

448. Oh, double hamburgers.

449. Jesus Christ. That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off.

450. - Get him! - Yeah!

451. Hey, things actually turned out okay for me this time.

452. - Butters? - Oh, I know.