1. Thanks for having us all over for dinner,
Chris and Linda.Copy !req
2. Yes, it was fabulous.Copy !req
3. We're just really happy
that your boys have becomeCopy !req
4. such good friends with our little Butters.Copy !req
5. Yeah, we figured that
if our boys are gonna be great friends,Copy !req
6. we should all get to be friends, too.Copy !req
7. Friends by default.Copy !req
8. Well, our boys do seem to be
spending a lot of time together lately.Copy !req
9. I think ever since their friend Kenny diedCopy !req
10. they've been looking for someone
to fill the void.Copy !req
11. Well, our son is a perfect void filler.Copy !req
12. It's nice that he finally has your sons
to be his best buddies.Copy !req
13. - Look, you guys, Butters is asleep.
- He's such a douche bag.Copy !req
14. Hey!
Have you guys ever seen this trick?Copy !req
15. When someone's sleeping,
you can take a glass of warm waterCopy !req
16. and you put their hand in it...Copy !req
17. - Yeah, and then what?
- And then, you pee on them.Copy !req
18. No, dude. You're supposed to put
their hand in warm waterCopy !req
19. - And it makes them pee.
- Oh, really? Oh, well.Copy !req
20. And we were thinking since they've all
become such close friends,Copy !req
21. how great it would be for us to all go
together to Aspen for a ski weekend.Copy !req
22. Aspen? We can't really afford that.Copy !req
23. No, you see, Linda and I found this ad
where you can get two nights freeCopy !req
24. at a condo in Aspen, if you attend
a timeshare presentation.Copy !req
25. They let you stay for free?Copy !req
26. Yes. And all we have to do
is attend a 30-minute meeting.Copy !req
27. Well, that sounds like a good deal.Copy !req
28. Sounds good to me.
Let's go this weekend.Copy !req
29. Oh, boy, skiing in Aspen. I can't wait.Copy !req
30. Hey, boys, we're all going to Aspen
for the weekend.Copy !req
31. - All right!
- All right!Copy !req
32. Wow, a ski trip
with my new best buddies!Copy !req
33. Oh. I'm all sticky.Copy !req
34. Here we are, everyone!Copy !req
35. Oh, this is going to be so much fun.
I haven't skied in years.Copy !req
36. - Where are Butters and Eric?
- They're still asleep.Copy !req
37. Butters, Eric, come on!
We've gotta get to the powder!Copy !req
38. Hello, folks! I'm Phil and this is Josh,Copy !req
39. we're with
the Aspen Timeshare Company!Copy !req
40. - Hello!
- You folks enjoying the condo?Copy !req
41. It's lovely, thank you.Copy !req
42. You guys, you guys, you're not gonna
believe this. This is so funny.Copy !req
43. What?Copy !req
44. So last night while Butters was asleep,
I gave him a Hitler.Copy !req
45. What's a Hitler?Copy !req
46. You know, when somebody is sleeping,
you put your finger up your buttCopy !req
47. and then wipe it on their upper lip to
give them a little Hitler moustache.Copy !req
48. - You've never Hitlered anyone?
- No, I never have.Copy !req
49. - Here he comes!
- Good morning, fellas!Copy !req
50. All set to go skiing?Copy !req
51. - What's so funny?
- Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?Copy !req
52. Well, we can't wait to show you what
Aspen Timeshare is offering investors.Copy !req
53. - Shall we do our 30-minute meeting?
- Do we have to do it right now?Copy !req
54. Well, best to do it
and get it out of the way.Copy !req
55. Okay.Copy !req
56. Boys, we have to go to this timeshare
presentation real quick,Copy !req
57. but you go meet your ski instructor
on the bunny hill.Copy !req
58. - Okay.
- We'll meet you boys on the slopes.Copy !req
59. - Hey, do you guys smell that?
- Smell what?Copy !req
60. It kind of smells stinky in this condo.Copy !req
61. I don't smell anything, do you, guys?Copy !req
62. Do you guys smell that?
It smells bad out here, too.Copy !req
63. I'm starting to think this whole town
smells like doo-doo.Copy !req
64. Yeah, well, you see,
that's why they call it Aspen.Copy !req
65. All right, little dudes.
Great to see you out here.Copy !req
66. My name is Thumper and I'm gonna be
your cool ski instructor!Copy !req
67. His name is Thumper?Copy !req
68. We're gonna take it slow, take it easy,
make sure everybody has a good time.Copy !req
69. 'Cause what is skiing about?
Having a good...Copy !req
70. Time. That's right.Copy !req
71. Now, just a few safety things
to keep in mind.Copy !req
72. First of all, look straight ahead
when you ski.Copy !req
73. If you look down, you're gonna fall.
You're gonna have a bad time.Copy !req
74. Also, be aware of skiers around you.
If you run into another skier,Copy !req
75. your skis are gonna cross.
Gonna have a bad time.Copy !req
76. So where's the part
where we have a good time?Copy !req
77. Hey, little dude,
you got some crap right here.Copy !req
78. That's my face, sir!Copy !req
79. Okay, we're gonna do this
without any polesCopy !req
80. until we know
our two primary feet positions.Copy !req
81. To go slow, we wedge our skis together
in the shape of a slice of pizza.Copy !req
82. Then to go faster,
we put them parallel likeCopy !req
83. French fries. You see that?Copy !req
84. Pizza. French fries. Pizza. French fries.Copy !req
85. Hey, this is gonna be just like
eating at Shakey's, huh, fellas?Copy !req
86. Okay, let's have the little dude
on the end try it first.Copy !req
87. - What's your name?
- Ike!Copy !req
88. Okay, Mike. Ski down to me.Copy !req
89. Go on, Ike.Copy !req
90. Pizza. French fries.Copy !req
91. Pizza. French fries. French fries!Copy !req
92. Pizza!Copy !req
93. Okay, you see what he did?Copy !req
94. He French fried
when he should have pizza'd.Copy !req
95. You French fry when you pizza,
you're gonna have a bad time.Copy !req
96. And so we think we can convince youCopy !req
97. to buy one of our condos
that's opening right here in Phase Four.Copy !req
98. That sounds like
a great investment opportunity.Copy !req
99. I'm sorry, but none of us can really
afford to own our own vacation condo.Copy !req
100. Yeah, to be honest,
we're just doing this meetingCopy !req
101. because of the two-nights-free deal.Copy !req
102. I know. That's what everybody says.
"Not me, I can't afford it."Copy !req
103. But what if I told you, you could own
one of our properties for only $8,000?Copy !req
104. - Wow!
- For $8,000 we can buy a condo here?Copy !req
105. Well, you see, timeshare means
you buy the condoCopy !req
106. with about 20 other people
like yourselves.Copy !req
107. You share the condo with other
investors and pick theCopy !req
108. - Time you want to stay.
- Share, time. Timeshare!Copy !req
109. - So then it's not really ours.
- Sure, it is!Copy !req
110. One 24th-and-a-half yours!Copy !req
111. You see, timeshare has made it
possible for even working-class peopleCopy !req
112. like you to say,
"I've got a little place in Aspen."Copy !req
113. Try it. Try saying it.
"I've got a little place in Aspen."Copy !req
114. - I've got a little place in Aspen.
- I've got a little place in Aspen.Copy !req
115. Rolls off the tongue nicely, doesn't it?Copy !req
116. Say, guys, how'd you like
to tell that hot secretary,Copy !req
117. "I've got a nice little place in Aspen."Copy !req
118. Just kidding, wives!Copy !req
119. Listen, it's been 30 minutes.
We'd like to go hit the slopes now.Copy !req
120. Well, you still gotta come
to the timeshare luncheon.Copy !req
121. We did give you
a free condo for the weekend.Copy !req
122. Your ad said we only had to attend
a 30-minute meeting.Copy !req
123. Right, but this isn't that meeting.
The luncheon is that meeting.Copy !req
124. Don't worry, you're going to have
a great free meal at the luncheon.Copy !req
125. French fries. Pizza. French fries.Copy !req
126. - Come on, Cartman!
- No more.Copy !req
127. Looks like you think
you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?Copy !req
128. Well, I'm catching on pretty fast,
I guess.Copy !req
129. I've been skiing for 22 years.
Think you can beat me?Copy !req
130. - No.
- What's your name, hotshot?Copy !req
131. - Stan Marsh.
- Stan Marsh?Copy !req
132. Stan Darsh is more like it!Copy !req
133. - Darsh.
- All right. How about a race then?Copy !req
134. - You and me!
- Dude, I'm just learning.Copy !req
135. Looks to me like you're not
such a hotshot after all.Copy !req
136. I never said I was.Copy !req
137. You may think you've got what it takes,
but as long as I'm around,Copy !req
138. you'll always be number 2.
See you later, Darsh!Copy !req
139. And that is why owning a piece of
an Aspen condo is not only possible...Copy !req
140. It's downright smart!Copy !req
141. Here it is, as promised.
A fabulous free lunch!Copy !req
142. - Wow, filet mignon and lobster!
- Not bad.Copy !req
143. It's nice to feel rich, isn't it?Copy !req
144. - Oh, you know, this is really great!
- It sure is!Copy !req
145. You see, that's the great thing
about timeshare.Copy !req
146. You get a little taste
of luxuries you can't afford.Copy !req
147. And then share it
with the people that come tomorrow!Copy !req
148. All right, look, we've been here
for over three hours.Copy !req
149. Yeah, can we go now, please?Copy !req
150. Of course you can! Go hit those slopes!
If you could just please show meCopy !req
151. the backs of your table place cards
real quick?Copy !req
152. Oh, my God. You got the red sticker!Copy !req
153. - They got the red sticker?
- They got the red sticker!Copy !req
154. What's the red sticker?Copy !req
155. Well, that means if you come up
to the condo-sales office,Copy !req
156. you'll receive one of three great prizes!Copy !req
157. No, no, no. We did your meeting,
we did your lunch, we're finished. Okay?Copy !req
158. Okay, okay, fine. I mean...Copy !req
159. It would only take a second
but, I mean, you know...Copy !req
160. What did we do for you, except give you
a free condo for the weekend?Copy !req
161. Seems like you could just at least
come up and see what prize you got.Copy !req
162. All right!Copy !req
163. - Pizza. French fries. Pizza...
- Pizza. French fries. Pizza...Copy !req
164. I wonder where our parents are?Copy !req
165. Who cares?
I'm having more fun on my own.Copy !req
166. Well, well, well! If it isn't Stan Darsh.Copy !req
167. - Oh, no.
- Say, Darsh,Copy !req
168. you don't mind if I take Heather out
for some fondue tonight, do you?Copy !req
169. Heather?Copy !req
170. Sorry, Stan. It's just that when it comes
to skiing, Tad has all the right moves.Copy !req
171. I just might show her my moves tonight,
if you know what I mean?Copy !req
172. You aren't mad are you, Stan?Copy !req
173. I mean, a girl's got to look out
for her best interests.Copy !req
174. Who are you people?Copy !req
175. Still don't want to race me?
I told you he was chicken, Heather!Copy !req
176. Stan Marsh the Darsh.Copy !req
177. All right, dude,
if I race you, will you leave me alone?Copy !req
178. All right, fine.
You and me at the summit. Now.Copy !req
179. Okay.Copy !req
180. - Race! Race!
- Race! Race!Copy !req
181. Ladies and gentlemen,
Aspen Mountain presentsCopy !req
182. another extreme-racing showdown.Copy !req
183. Seven time World Aspen Champion
Tad MacowskiCopy !req
184. versus 8-year-old Stan Marsh.Copy !req
185. - You're going down, little boy.
- Yeah, probably.Copy !req
186. Do you think Stan has a chance?Copy !req
187. Go, Stan!Copy !req
188. Fries, pizza, fries...Copy !req
189. He's got him! Tad's gonna win it!Copy !req
190. Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
191. Yeah! You lose, Darsh!Copy !req
192. Yeah!Copy !req
193. Stan, you gave it your best shot,
and that's all Jesus asks of you.Copy !req
194. Dude, I'm just happy
this whole stupid thing is over with.Copy !req
195. No hard feelings, right, Darsh?Copy !req
196. Yeah!Copy !req
197. Stan, for whatever it's worth,
I think you were really brave.Copy !req
198. Thanks. Who are you?Copy !req
199. Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be
at the Youth Centre tonight for a dance.Copy !req
200. I hope you'll come
because you're just so...Copy !req
201. Well, you're just so... Well, that's all.Copy !req
202. Finally, we get to go skiing!Copy !req
203. Oh, my God,
look how long the lift lines are!Copy !req
204. Yeah, I guess these passes the
timeshare salesmen gave usCopy !req
205. will come in handy!Copy !req
206. - Can I help you?
- Yes.Copy !req
207. We have the special passes
to use the exclusive liftCopy !req
208. - From the timeshare company.
- Go right on ahead, folks.Copy !req
209. Thank you!Copy !req
210. Well, this certainly is nice.Copy !req
211. Yeah, we may not have gotten
to ski earlier, but with this lift,Copy !req
212. - We'll get more runs in than anybody.
- Have fun waiting in line, suckers!Copy !req
213. Oh, Chris.Copy !req
214. Hey, look, this chair lift
goes right into a building.Copy !req
215. Welcome back, folks.Copy !req
216. We've got a special new offer
we can't wait to tell you about!Copy !req
217. God damn it!Copy !req
218. Dude, it's been 12 hours.
Where the hell are our parents?Copy !req
219. I'm glad you guys came.
Do you like our youth centre?Copy !req
220. - It seems fine.
- Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down.Copy !req
221. That hotshot skier Tad's father
is gonna bulldoze the building.Copy !req
222. - Where are all us kids supposed to go?
- Don't care.Copy !req
223. - What do you wanna do now?
- I don't know.Copy !req
224. Let's dance!Copy !req
225. Butters, I hate you
with every inch of my body.Copy !req
226. All right, Aspen!
As a special treat tonight,Copy !req
227. we're proud to have the winner
of today's race, Tad Macowski!Copy !req
228. - Yeah!
- Oh, God.Copy !req
229. Hey, everyone!
I'd like to sing a little song, if I may.Copy !req
230. Oh, God, let's go, you guys.Copy !req
231. This is a song I wrote
about Stan Marsh.Copy !req
232. Stan Darsh!Copy !req
233. Stan Darsh Darsh Darsh!Copy !req
234. Stan Darsh! Stan Darsh!Copy !req
235. Stan Darsh! Stan Darsh! Darsh!Copy !req
236. Stan Darsh!Copy !req
237. Dude, what the hell is your problem?Copy !req
238. I raced you. You won.Copy !req
239. A rematch?Copy !req
240. Darsh, you're
even dumber than I thought.Copy !req
241. - He'll ski you anytime, anywhere!
- Yeah!Copy !req
242. But this time if he wins, you get
your dad to not close our youth centre!Copy !req
243. - What?
- All right, then.Copy !req
244. Let's make it interesting.
Tomorrow afternoon on the K-13.Copy !req
245. The K-13? But that's the most
dangerous run in all of America.Copy !req
246. Well, I'm not chicken. Are you, Darsh?Copy !req
247. I'll be there, you queen!Copy !req
248. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
249. Darsh, you're
even dumber than I thought, again.Copy !req
250. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
251. You're not really gonna go down
that K-13 run, are you, Stan?Copy !req
252. Dude, I have to!Copy !req
253. Stan, you can't let that Tad guy
get to you.Copy !req
254. - Screw him, dude.
- Dude, he's got Heather!Copy !req
255. - You don't even know Heather!
- I know, I know! I just...Copy !req
256. Look, I can't explain it,
but I have to do this.Copy !req
257. I'm not going to die.
I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?Copy !req
258. The K-13?
You don't wanna go down that run.Copy !req
259. That run's got a history.Copy !req
260. Thirty-five people have died
going down it,Copy !req
261. and some say you can still see
their ghosts up there.Copy !req
262. It was on that very ski run that a group
of students were killed by a wolf-boyCopy !req
263. who escaped from
the mental institution.Copy !req
264. You see, that ski run
was once a burial groundCopy !req
265. to a tribe of vampire Wachika IndiansCopy !req
266. who ate the flesh
of children with no eyes.Copy !req
267. Yeah, a lot of history on that ski run.Copy !req
268. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
269. Look, Stan, when Kenny died,
I learned how important friends are.Copy !req
270. I'm not gonna lose another friend!Copy !req
271. This isn't about you, Kyle!
I have to do this, okay? I have to!Copy !req
272. And so you see, it's the investment
opportunity that keeps on giving.Copy !req
273. How many times
do we have to tell you this?Copy !req
274. We don't want to buy shares in a condo.Copy !req
275. And we certainly
don't want to pressure you.Copy !req
276. Pressure us?Copy !req
277. You kept us all day yesterday,
and then had a chair lift bring us back.Copy !req
278. Hey, you can leave any time you want.
Of course, that is, if you don't wantCopy !req
279. the super secret fun prize
for attending the slide show.Copy !req
280. No. We don't want
the super secret fun prize! All right?Copy !req
281. We just want to ski.
Come on, everybody.Copy !req
282. I know! Have you ever considered
going in on a timeshare?Copy !req
283. That's only
a couple thousand each, Josh!Copy !req
284. Don't listen to them. Let's just go.Copy !req
285. - My God. Can you believe those people?
- I hope you don't blame me for all that.Copy !req
286. I mean, the ad did just say
a 30-minute presentation.Copy !req
287. Let's just get out of here.Copy !req
288. Folks, I'm glad you're back
because we forgot to mentionCopy !req
289. timeshare condos
are still deeded properties!Copy !req
290. You folks really lucked out this time.
You're visitors number 1,000!Copy !req
291. That means you can listen
to our special offerCopy !req
292. - For privileged members only!
- That does it. I'm calling the police.Copy !req
293. Mr. Ski Instructor,
I need a lot of training, fast.Copy !req
294. - I'm gonna race down the K-13.
- The K-13? But you're just a beginner.Copy !req
295. If you ski out of your league,
you're gonna have a bad time.Copy !req
296. I have to do this, okay? I have to.Copy !req
297. All right, well, if you gotta get good
at something really fast,Copy !req
298. there's only one way to do it. Come on!Copy !req
299. The day is approaching
To give it your bestCopy !req
300. And you've got to reach your primeCopy !req
301. That's when you need
to put yourself to the testCopy !req
302. And show us a passage of timeCopy !req
303. - We're gonna need a montage
- MontageCopy !req
304. - A sports training montage
- MontageCopy !req
305. Show a lot of things happening at onceCopy !req
306. - Remind everyone of what's going on
- What's going on!Copy !req
307. With every shot
show a little improvementCopy !req
308. To show it all would take too longCopy !req
309. - That's called a montage
- MontageCopy !req
310. - Even Rocky had a montage
- MontageCopy !req
311. In any sport if you want to go
from just a beginner to a proCopy !req
312. - You need a montage
- MontageCopy !req
313. - A simple little montage
- MontageCopy !req
314. Always fade out in a montageCopy !req
315. If you fade out it seems like more time
has passed in a montageCopy !req
316. All the ad said was that we had to
attend a 30-minute meeting, right?Copy !req
317. And it's been a day and a half!
These guys won't let us leave.Copy !req
318. That's not true, Officers.
We said they could leave at any time.Copy !req
319. All right, let me see if I got this straight.Copy !req
320. You two gentlemen are offering
part-time limited-liability ownershipCopy !req
321. in one of your fabulous condos
for the one-time price of $8,000?Copy !req
322. That's right!Copy !req
323. Sounds to me like if anybody should
be arrested it should be you peopleCopy !req
324. for passing up such a great deal!Copy !req
325. That's right! You're practically
stealing condos at that price.Copy !req
326. Book them, Danno!Copy !req
327. - Oh, Jesus!
- No! No!Copy !req
328. The police work for Timeshare, too?Copy !req
329. The police, the Mayor,
the President of the United States.Copy !req
330. Perhaps now you see
the severity of your situation.Copy !req
331. I think we shall all sit down
and listen to the presentation.Copy !req
332. Sit!Copy !req
333. Now, you're probably asking yourselves,Copy !req
334. "Can my timeshare condo
turn into a profit?"Copy !req
335. "What kind of cash flow can I realise
from my investment?"Copy !req
336. The answer might astonish you.Copy !req
337. For over 10 years,
investors have seen their...Copy !req
338. The powder is fresh and the stage is set
for Tad versus Stan on the K-13.Copy !req
339. This time you're not just gonna lose.
You're gonna die.Copy !req
340. I can't lose another friend.
First Kenny and now Stan.Copy !req
341. All I'm gonna have left
are you two douches.Copy !req
342. Ready, set, go!Copy !req
343. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.Copy !req
344. - Tad's got the lead!
- Come on, Stan!Copy !req
345. This should slow down Darsh a bit!Copy !req
346. And it looks like Tad is way out in front.Copy !req
347. Now I'll win for sure!Copy !req
348. Dude, I can't look.Copy !req
349. Let's see what some sand
does to your speed, Darsh!Copy !req
350. He doesn't stand a chance now!Copy !req
351. I'm gonna beat him!Copy !req
352. The race is half over,
and Tad is still out in the lead.Copy !req
353. When Darsh skis by here,
I'll let all these hamsters go!Copy !req
354. That should distract him
just long enough for me to win the race!Copy !req
355. Oh, Tad.Copy !req
356. What are you doing up here?Copy !req
357. Nothing, I just thought
maybe I could distract you with these.Copy !req
358. - Good job, dude!
- Thanks.Copy !req
359. You did it, Stan!Copy !req
360. Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna
be able to keep the Youth Centre.Copy !req
361. Well, that does it. Looks like
the spirits of the Wakacha IndiansCopy !req
362. can finally rest in peace.Copy !req
363. - Thank you, Stan.
- Thank you, Stan.Copy !req
364. Stan, I was wrong about you.
Would you like to go out again?Copy !req
365. Go ahead, Stan.
She's everything you ever wanted.Copy !req
366. There you are, boys!Copy !req
367. - Mom! Dad!
- Where the hell have you guys been?Copy !req
368. We got a little held up
at the timeshare-sales office.Copy !req
369. Yeah, but the good news is
we finally came to our sensesCopy !req
370. and bought some shares in a condo.Copy !req
371. So we all get to come to Aspen
for two weeks every year!Copy !req
372. What's the matter?
Didn't you boys like skiing?Copy !req
373. No! We can't keep track of when
you pizza and when you French friesCopy !req
374. and when the hotshot asshole skier
takes your girl if you're supposedCopy !req
375. to race him the first time, or train first to
beat him on the really difficult mountain,Copy !req
376. so you can save the dorky,
but hot girl's youth centre. Skiing sucks!Copy !req
377. Yeah, what a stupid sport!Copy !req
378. I heard that you
were the one responsibleCopy !req
379. for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.Copy !req
380. Yeah, well, he really flipped
when he saw these.Copy !req
381. - Quaid.
- Start the reactor.Copy !req