1. I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
Copy !req
2. Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
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3. Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
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4. Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
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5. Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
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6. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy
Timmy, Timmy
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7. Living a lie, Timmy!
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8. Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
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9. O great wizard of Gregendath!
Copy !req
10. What quest do you ask
of this ranger and paladin?
Copy !req
11. Only one thing can save our kingdom.
Copy !req
12. You must bring me
a piece of pecan pie
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13. with toffee ice cream and Magic Shell.
Hurry now!
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14. That quest sucks, Cartman!
Think of another one!
Copy !req
15. Boys, Butters' parents want to borrow
The Lord of The Rings video we rented.
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16. - Could you take it over to them?
- You're sending us on a quest?
Copy !req
17. You ask of us to take The One Video
to the house of Butters?
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18. Yeah, whatever.
Copy !req
19. It shall be a long journey,
with many dangers on the way.
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20. But if the tape must be brought
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21. to the house of Butters,
who else can do it?
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22. Very well! We shall embark
on this quest immediately, Father!
Copy !req
23. - Come, warriors! Ho!
- Ho!
Copy !req
24. That gets rid of them.
Copy !req
25. Oh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?
Copy !req
26. Yeah, well, The Lord of the Rings
wasn't the only thing
Copy !req
27. I rented from the video store.
I also rented
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28. a porno.
Copy !req
29. Oh, you little devil!
Copy !req
30. You wanna go watch?
Copy !req
31. How shall we journey
to the house of Butters?
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32. Through the mines of Vandor
or over the mountains of Gralch?
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33. Look out! Here comes the
great dragon of Perengraf!
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34. Don't worry!
I'm the great wizard Molotarch.
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35. I can shield us from the dragon's fire!
Copy !req
36. Good job, wizard!
Copy !req
37. And so, the party journeyed onward!
Copy !req
38. The great wizard, the skilful ranger,
and the covetous Jew.
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39. I'm a paladin, Cartman!
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40. Jews can't be paladins.
Copy !req
41. Hey, there, cowboy.
Copy !req
42. - You ready for some hot, steamy fun?
- You bet I am.
Copy !req
43. The guys at the office told me
I had to rent this porno.
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44. They said this is, without a doubt,
the hottest porno ever made.
Copy !req
45. - Sounds good.
- I love that lingerie.
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46. Yeah. You like that?
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47. Yeah, baby.
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48. Yeah.
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49. - All right, you ready?
- Ready.
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50. Oh, yeah.
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51. The story begins in ages past,
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52. in the deep regions of Middle-Earth,
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53. where Skorn first thrived
in the kingdom of Gelgala.
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54. Oh, man, I hate when pornos
try to have a story.
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55. Seven rings were cast
and given to the races of men...
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56. Yeah.
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57. seven to the races of elves,
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58. five to the gloondock villagers
of Gelgendor.
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59. Wow! The production values
are really good in this porno.
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60. Yeah, it almost looks like...
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61. The Lord of the... Oh, my God!
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62. This is Lord of The Rings!
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63. But then does that mean...
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64. The boys have
the hottest porno ever made.
Copy !req
65. Oh, hello, boys.
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66. My father has asked that we bring you
this copy of Lord Of The Rings.
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67. Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.
Copy !req
68. Perhaps a reward is in order?
Gold? Frankensteincense?
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69. Oh, but you are noble heroes!
We know our thanks is enough!
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70. Man, that's crap.
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71. Butters! Look what we have
for you to watch!
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72. The Lord of the Rings!
Copy !req
73. Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!
Copy !req
74. Now, Daddy and I have to do our taxes,
Copy !req
75. so can you watch this
by yourself and not get scared?
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76. - I won't get scared, Mom! Promise!
- That's our man! Here you go!
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77. I finally get to see Lord of the Rings!
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78. Spank that ass.
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79. Whoa!
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80. Neato!
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81. This is good!
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82. Oh, my God!
This is gonna be so embarrassing!
Copy !req
83. Hi, Chris! Hi, Linda!
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84. We were just wondering
if we could get our porno back!
Copy !req
85. Calm down.
Maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet.
Copy !req
86. And so, the party returns home
after completing their great quest.
Copy !req
87. The One Tape was returned and
South Park was again at peace.
Copy !req
88. Quick! A monster of Rivendell!
Copy !req
89. - Prepare for battle!
- The boys!
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90. Boys! Boys! Where's the videotape?
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91. We gave it to the parents of Butters,
as commanded by you.
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92. I guess we have to go talk to them now.
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93. Well, wait a minute. Boys,
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94. do you think you can go get that tape
back for us really fast?
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95. This sounds like
a really important quest.
Copy !req
96. Yes, it is. This is more important than
anything I've ever asked you to do.
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97. You must retrieve the tape.
But do not look at it,
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98. for it holds an evil power.
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99. Retrieve the tape and
return it to us at home.
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100. Do this,
and you will be greatly rewarded.
Copy !req
101. - Wow!
- This is so cool.
Copy !req
102. Gentlemen, we are off!
Copy !req
103. Okay. Problem solved.
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104. Oh, golly.
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105. Hey, what's happening down there?
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106. We have come to reclaim
the One Tape!
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107. - Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
- The queen and king of Stan's house
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108. wish the Lord of the Rings
returned to them.
Copy !req
109. But it's the greatest movie
I've ever seen!
Copy !req
110. You guys were right!
Lord of the Rings is awesome!
Copy !req
111. You have to let me finish watching it!
Copy !req
112. Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be
brought back to Stan's house!
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113. Butters!
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114. We said you can't watch it!
We have a quest!
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115. Well, then... Then let me go with you!
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116. Okay, fine, Butters,
but if you're gonna hang out with us,
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117. you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
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118. Oh, okay!
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119. Oh, oh, yeah.
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120. - Butters! What the hell are you doing?
- Playing Lord of the Rings!
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121. Get the hell off me!
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122. You're a freak, Butters!
You can't play with us!
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123. - Let me have the tape!
- No! We have to return it!
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124. My movie. My awesome, cool movie.
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125. My precious...
Copy !req
126. And so, the tape was again retrieved,
to be brought back to Stan's house.
Copy !req
127. This copy of Lord of the Rings made
the young Butters behave quite oddly.
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128. Yeah, and mine parents were
acting strange about it, too.
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129. Perhaps the One Videotape
has some power we have not foreseen.
Copy !req
130. Well, well, well!
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131. If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
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132. Oh, crap, the sixth graders!
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133. - What you got there?
- Nothing.
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134. - Hey, kid!
- Lord of the Rings.
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135. That movie's gay.
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136. - You're gay!
- What the...
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137. Whoa! Check it out, you guys!
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138. Whoa!
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139. Give it back! We're on a quest
to return it to my parents!
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140. No way! We're keeping this
and watching it ourselves!
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141. You can't keep it!
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142. And what are three little fourth graders
gonna do it about it, huh?
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143. There's four of us! Kenny's soul is
still trapped in Cartman's body!
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144. - Yeah!
- Oh, man, I can't wait to see this.
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145. Dude, that video is
making people act strange!
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146. The One Tape must be returned!
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147. - Run!
- Get them!
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148. Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon.
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149. Chris, are the boys over here?
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150. No, just Butters.
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151. He's been watching
The Lord of the Rings downstairs.
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152. Oh, dear!
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153. - What's the matter?
- We...
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154. Well, this is really sort of funny, but...
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155. We accidentally put a porno
in the Lord of the Rings box.
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156. Oh, God!
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157. - Butters?
- Butters?
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158. - Butters?
- Precious...
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159. Did you bring back my precious?
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160. Butters, where is the movie
you were watching?
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161. They took his precious.
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162. Took it away to watch without him.
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163. He was really enjoying that movie, too!
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164. My precious...
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165. The boys must have come
and saw what it was
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166. and then taken it away somewhere.
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167. Oh, no.
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168. We can't let those sixth graders
get their hands on this videotape.
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169. I must say, I agree.
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170. If this copy of
The Lord of the Rings is haunted,
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171. it would not be safe in the wrong hands.
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172. I smell fourth graders!
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173. - Oh, crap, dude!
- Hide!
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174. Hey! I think I see something
down the hill!
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175. The One Videotape
is sought after, indeed.
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176. Yeah. Butters, my parents,
now the sixth graders.
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177. Come, guys. We must bring this all to
the attention of the High Elf of Faragon.
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178. Yeah, the High Elf!
He'll know what to do!
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179. And so, that's the situation.
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180. All the boys are
out there somewhere with a
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181. pornographic videotape.
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182. - Oh, God! This is horrible!
- All right, calm down.
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183. Now just how bad of a porno tape
are we talking, here?
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184. I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?
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185. I'm afraid it was Backdoor Sluts 9.
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186. - Backdoor Sluts 9!
- Backdoor Sluts 9!
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187. Is that bad?
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188. Backdoor Sluts 9 makes
Crotch Capers 3
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189. look like Naughty Nurses 2!
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190. It is the single most vile, twisted,
dark piece of porn ever made.
Copy !req
191. - How the hell do you know?
- I...
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192. I read about it in People.
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193. Oh, this is just great!
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194. - How could you two be so careless?
- We're sorry!
Copy !req
195. Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys
forever from these things.
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196. Maybe it's okay for them
to see an adult film.
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197. Not without their parents to
put it in a proper context!
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198. They won't understand
what they're seeing!
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199. It can't hurt them that much, can it?
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200. Precious... Let me see my precious.
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201. Please!
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202. Open.
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203. What do you guys want?
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204. We must speak with
the High Elf of Faragon!
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205. Oh. Okay, hang on a second.
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206. What troubles you?
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207. We have in our possession
something of great power.
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208. It is The Lord of the Rings.
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209. So? I have three copies and
the DVD with 12 hours of extra footage.
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210. Yes, but this is not a...
Wow? Twelve hours?
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211. Yes, but this is not a normal copy.
It's making people act really strange.
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212. We're seriously, High Elf.
Something very evil lurks in this tape.
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213. Very well.
I shall call the council together.
Copy !req
214. Meet me in the woods of gathering
behind Talangar the Black's house.
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215. And don't let my mom see you,
'cause I'll get in trouble.
Copy !req
216. Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.
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217. Faragon! Asshole.
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218. Clyde's a dick.
Copy !req
219. All right, everybody. Listen up!
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220. There's three snot-nosed
little fourth graders out there
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221. who have a porno called
Backdoor Sluts 9.
Copy !req
222. I checked it out on the Internet,
and it said
Copy !req
223. that Backdoor Sluts 9 is
the most hardcore porno ever made.
Copy !req
224. I have amassed
this army of sixth graders
Copy !req
225. to get the tape by any means necessary.
Copy !req
226. Now, let's go get that porno!
Copy !req
227. And so, that is the situation.
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228. The videotape
may or may not have evil powers.
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229. Kyle, would you
bring it up here, please?
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230. That video could have been made
by Sauron's evil forces.
Copy !req
231. It could hold
a mental spell of some kind.
Copy !req
232. Perhaps we could use it
to strengthen our star cruisers!
Copy !req
233. Kevin, God damn it.
Copy !req
234. Look, until we see
this tape's power for ourselves,
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235. we cannot risk giving it to anybody.
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236. But if we watch it,
we could fall under its spell, too.
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237. That is true.
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238. Only a paladin with a high constitution
should watch the tape.
Copy !req
239. Therefore, I think it is a job for you,
Talangar The Black!
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240. I'm not scared!
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241. I'll go inside and watch the tape,
just for a few seconds.
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242. If I do not return in two minutes,
send a party in after me.
Copy !req
243. The fate of Middle-Earth is in my hands.
Copy !req
244. Fourth graders!
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245. Give us that porno!
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246. Boys?
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247. Boys, we're not mad at you.
We just want to talk to you.
Copy !req
248. Talangar the Black returns
from watching the video!
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249. What sights did you see
on the videotape, Talangar?
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250. Is it the work of Sauron's magic?
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251. I'm not playing any more.
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252. Whoa, wait! What'd you see?
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253. I don't know. I don't want to know.
I'm out.
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254. My God.
This thing must really be powerful.
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255. This tape makes people freak out
wherever it goes.
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256. What do we do with it?
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257. One thing's for sure, this tape cannot
be trusted with anybody.
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258. It must be returned to the video store
from whence it came.
Copy !req
259. Where is the videotape rented from?
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260. Two Towers Video Store, in Conifer.
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261. Conifer? Walking there
would take hours!
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262. There's no alternative.
Copy !req
263. We have to return the tape
before it causes more damage.
Copy !req
264. I'll go!
Copy !req
265. We cannot trust something
of that much power to a dwarf!
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266. Especially a kindergartener dwarf!
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267. Stop acting like a bunch of assholes!
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268. I will take it.
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269. I will walk to the video store.
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270. It is too far and too dangerous
to go alone.
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271. Take with you the wizard,
the dwarf, the warrior,
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272. the cleric and the Jew.
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273. Paladin!
Copy !req
274. Very well. You shall be the fellowship
of The Lord of The Rings.
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275. Good luck.
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276. I have to go home now
before I get in trouble.
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277. Me, too.
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278. - Only the six of us are to go?
- No, no, there's seven of us.
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279. Kenny's soul is still trapped
in Cartman's body, remember?
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280. Yeah, stupid.
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281. Yeah, luckily Cartman's big enough
for the both of us.
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282. Shut up, Kenny!
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283. And so it was that
the heroes travelled many miles
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284. to return The Lord of the Rings
to the video store.
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285. We have reached
the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.
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286. Look out!
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287. We were almost killed!
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288. A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!
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289. True! Someone or something
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290. doesn't want this video
returned to the video store!
Copy !req
291. Oh, hello, everybody.
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292. Steve, we heard that a bunch of the kids
were over here a little while ago.
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293. Well, yes, I believe they were.
But they've gone.
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294. What's the matter?
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295. We think our boys might be
showing other children a
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296. pornographic tape.
Copy !req
297. What?
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298. But Token's never seen a porno before!
He wouldn't know what to...
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299. - Oh, God!
- Token!
Copy !req
300. Token...
Copy !req
301. Did the boys come over and
show you a movie?
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302. Token?
Copy !req
303. All right, Token,
Copy !req
304. we know you must be very confused
about what you saw.
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305. Yes, you see, Token,
that was called a pornographic film.
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306. It shows adult men and adult women
having sexual intercourse.
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307. Well, you see,
when a man and a woman fall in love,
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308. the man puts his penis
in the woman's vagina.
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309. It's called lovemaking,
and it's part of being in love.
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310. And when the woman has
four penises in her at the same time,
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311. then stands over
the men and pees on them,
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312. is that part of being in love, too?
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313. Five midgets spanking a man
covered with Thousand Island dressing,
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314. is that making love?
Copy !req
315. - Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
- It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Copy !req
316. Oh, Jesus, not that one!
Copy !req
317. Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as
confused and scared as this poor kid!
Copy !req
318. Token, this is very important.
Copy !req
319. Do you know where the boys
went with the naughty tape?
Copy !req
320. We're entering the limits of Bailey.
Copy !req
321. Everyone stay close.
Copy !req
322. Perhaps the great ringworm of Bailey
is about!
Copy !req
323. Ringworms are no match for a dwarf!
Copy !req
324. Yes, we shall slay the ringworm and
take his bounty of treasure!
Copy !req
325. - For that is the way of the...
- I shall put a magic spell on you!
Copy !req
326. I have blocked your spell, wizard!
Copy !req
327. Hey, what are you guys doing?
Copy !req
328. We're playing Harry Potter.
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329. Fags!
Copy !req
330. You guys, somebody's following us!
Copy !req
331. - It's Butters.
- Butters?
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332. Yes, he's been following us
for, like, two hours.
Copy !req
333. The precious videotape.
Let the Butters see it.
Copy !req
334. Just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away.
Copy !req
335. Hey, fellas, mind if we take a little rest?
Copy !req
336. There's no time for rest, sorcerer!
Keep up!
Copy !req
337. They are coming.
Copy !req
338. You guys go on ahead!
Copy !req
339. - Jimmy, are you sure?
- Go!
Copy !req
340. You shall not...
Copy !req
341. You shall not...
Copy !req
342. You shall not...
Copy !req
343. You shall not...
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344. You shall...
Copy !req
345. You shall not pass.
Copy !req
346. Jimmy didn't stop them!
Copy !req
347. They're going to take
The Lord of the Rings from us!
Copy !req
348. Quick! Cross the river!
Sixth graders can't stand water!
Copy !req
349. What? That's stupid.
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350. I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig,
Copy !req
351. and I say sixth graders
are opposed to water.
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352. Whatever! I'm going back
to play with the Harry Potter kids!
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353. Me, too.
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354. Go ahead and play
Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
Copy !req
355. Just get across the river!
They're coming!
Copy !req
356. What the hell is wrong with you guys?
Get the tape!
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357. Dude, I don't wanna get wet.
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358. Yeah, I don't really like the water.
Copy !req
359. Besides, if our bikes get wet,
the chains will rust.
Copy !req
360. Oh, God damn it! All right, come on!
We'll find a bridge!
Copy !req
361. The quest continued to return The Lord
of the Rings to the video store.
Copy !req
362. Man, we should have
never crossed that stupid river.
Copy !req
363. Yeah, good job, wizard fat ass!
Now we're totally lost!
Copy !req
364. We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad.
We just don't know where we are.
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365. That's what lost means, stupid.
Kenny, shut your goddamn mouth!
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366. This is great.
We're in the middle of nowhere and
Copy !req
367. nobody knows
what direction the video store is in!
Copy !req
368. The Butters knowses.
Copy !req
369. - Oh, brother.
- The video store, yes. Not far from here.
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370. We can show you wheres it is!
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371. - Where?
- First,
Copy !req
372. just let Butters see the precious.
Copy !req
373. No, Butters! Look what it's done to you.
It's made you even lamer than before.
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374. If that was possible.
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375. Tell us how to get to
the video store, Butters,
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376. or else we're gonna kick your ass!
Copy !req
377. No hurtses the Butters!
We will show you the way!
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378. Yes... This way it is.
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379. This is awful!
Copy !req
380. I just know with every passing minute,
little Kyle
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381. is seeing more and more
depraved sex acts!
Copy !req
382. We'll find them.
Copy !req
383. And then we'll try to put
what they saw into context.
Copy !req
384. Look, there's one of the boys now!
Copy !req
385. - Jimmy!
- Jimmy! Jimmy!
Copy !req
386. Where did the boys go
with the porno tape?
Copy !req
387. They're taking it to the...
Copy !req
388. The...
Copy !req
389. Come on, Jimmy,
we don't have a lot of time.
Copy !req
390. They took it back to the video...
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391. The video...
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392. The video sandwich?
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393. The video stockyard?
Copy !req
394. What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?
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395. No, the video...
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396. The video...
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397. - Stinger?
- Staples.
Copy !req
398. They went to the video Staples?
Where's that, Jimmy?
Copy !req
399. No, you retards! The video store.
Copy !req
400. The video store!
Copy !req
401. - Hurry! Hurry!
- I know where it is!
Copy !req
402. Oh, no! They're closed!
Copy !req
403. - Closed?
- There they are!
Copy !req
404. Don't let them turn it back
to the video store!
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405. - We're screwed.
- Wait! A drop box!
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406. Quick, Kyle! Drop the movie in!
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407. Finally, it's over.
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408. Precious... Must have our precious!
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409. Butters! No!
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410. Nows wes hases it!
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411. They're coming!
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412. - It has to go back!
- It wantses to stay with Butterses!
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413. There it is! Give me that tape!
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414. Let go of the tape, Butters!
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415. - I'm never letting go!
- Fine!
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416. - Precious...
- No!
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417. No! No!
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418. Damn it!
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419. Man, now we'll never see the hot action!
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420. You stupid little fourth graders!
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421. The tape is returned to which it came.
Its power over you shall fade as well.
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422. Middle-Earth is again safe.
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423. Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us
from kicking your asses!
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424. Boys! Boys!
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425. Crap! Parents! Come on, guys!
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426. We'll see you next time, fourthies!
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427. And perhaps they would.
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428. But for now,
the sixth grader army was defeated.
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429. - There you are!
- Oh, Kyle, you're safe!
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430. Oh, hey, guys.
We were just about to come home.
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431. We had to return the video.
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432. All right, now listen, kids.
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433. There's some things
we need to put into context for you.
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434. You see, a man puts
his penis into a woman's vagina
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435. for both love and pleasure.
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436. But sometimes the woman
lays on top of the man,
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437. facing the other way, so that they can
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438. put each other's genitals
in their mouths.
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439. This is called 69-ing, and it's normal.
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440. See, boys, a woman
is sensitive in her vagina
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441. and it feels good to have
a man's penis inside of it.
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442. That's right! But sometimes
a woman chooses to use other things.
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443. Telephones, staplers, magazines.
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444. It's because the nerve endings
in the vagina are so sensitive,
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445. it's like a fun tickle.
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446. Now, on to double penetration, boys.
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447. You see, sometimes when a woman
has sex with more than one man,
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448. each man makes love
to a different orifice.
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449. That's right.
It's something adults can do
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450. with really good friends
in a comfortable setting.
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451. It's also important that
you understand why some people
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452. choose to urinate on each other.
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453. Going number one or number two
on your lover
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454. is something people might do,
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455. but you must make sure your partner is
okay with it before you start doing it.
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456. Okay, boys. Do you have any questions?
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457. Wow.
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458. Well, let's all get going.
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459. Yeah, come on boys, time to get home.
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460. Wait a minute, where's Butters?
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461. Wes hases our preciouses!
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462. Hases it. Hases it.
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