1. Oh, hello there, kids!
Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop!Copy !req
2. We're the kids whose names you called
on your commercial last night!Copy !req
3. - We're here to do the shopping spree!
- Oh, that's great!Copy !req
4. You bet your fat clown ass it is!Copy !req
5. Okay!
Well, I'll just need your ticket stub.Copy !req
6. Ticket stub?Copy !req
7. You know, when you entered the contest
you got the other half of this ticket.Copy !req
8. - Oh shit. Who has the ticket stub?
- It was such a long time ago!Copy !req
9. We don't really need
the ticket stub, do we?Copy !req
10. Don't need the ticket stub?
Are you high?Copy !req
11. How else do I know you're the winners?Copy !req
12. Because our names were called on
the commercial last night!Copy !req
13. Sorry, boys, no ticket stub,
no candy shopping spree.Copy !req
14. If you find it, you can come back,Copy !req
15. but you only have one week
to claim the prize.Copy !req
16. That's called a ticking clock.
Works great in the movies.Copy !req
17. God damn it!Copy !req
18. - We've got to find that ticket!
- Which one of us took it?Copy !req
19. It was so long ago I can't remember!Copy !req
20. We've got to focus!
We've got to focus and remember!Copy !req
21. All right! There you go!
Hold on to that ticket stub!Copy !req
22. You'll need it to claim your prize!Copy !req
23. Sign up for
the five-minute shopping spree!Copy !req
24. You hold onto this, Cartman.
I might lose it.Copy !req
25. No, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.Copy !req
26. Okay.Copy !req
27. No, I don't want
that much responsibility.Copy !req
28. Here, you hold onto it, Kenny.Copy !req
29. Kenny!Copy !req
30. - Yes?
- Where's Kenny?Copy !req
31. Boys...Copy !req
32. Kenny died last December.
Don't you remember?Copy !req
33. We know he's dead!
We mean, where is his body?Copy !req
34. His body? But why?Copy !req
35. Because he has
the goddamn ticket for...Copy !req
36. Look, we just really miss our friend,Copy !req
37. and we need to
see his remains for closure.Copy !req
38. - Yeah, closure.
- What the fuck is closure?Copy !req
39. Oh, all right, boys. Come on in.Copy !req
40. We haven't seen you boys for so long.Copy !req
41. We thought
you'd forgotten all about him.Copy !req
42. Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.Copy !req
43. You turned him into a teapot?Copy !req
44. No, that's an urn, boys.
Kenny's inside it.Copy !req
45. Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.Copy !req
46. They miss you an awful lot,
like we all do.Copy !req
47. Thanks for coming by, boys.
It means a lot to us.Copy !req
48. Oh, now, honey.Copy !req
49. - Did you get it?
- Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards.Copy !req
50. There's not gonna be any
robot guards, retard!Copy !req
51. Just get Kenny!Copy !req
52. All right! We made it!Copy !req
53. Kenny better have
the ticket stub with him in there!Copy !req
54. Let him out, Cartman!Copy !req
55. Kenny?Copy !req
56. - Kenny?
- Is he in there?Copy !req
57. I can't see.Copy !req
58. What the hell is this?
Chocolate milk mix?Copy !req
59. - I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that teapot!
- It was a trick!Copy !req
60. God damn it, this isn't even
good chocolate milk mix!Copy !req
61. Kenny's parents must be
laughing pretty hard about now.Copy !req
62. We were dumb enough to believe
Kenny's body could be in a teapot!Copy !req
63. Why would they play
such a cruel joke on us?Copy !req
64. Because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people
don't have anything better to doCopy !req
65. than piss other people off.
Don't you watch Springer?Copy !req
66. We just have to face it.
We're not gonna get Kenny back,Copy !req
67. and we're not gonna
have our shopping spree.Copy !req
68. - It's over!
- God damn it! There has to be a way!Copy !req
69. Not bad.Copy !req
70. Hurry up, Kenny!
You're gonna be late for school!Copy !req
71. I don't think that chocolate milk mix
agreed with my stomach.Copy !req
72. - Cartman! Come on!
- What? What?Copy !req
73. Jesus, you buttholes!
It's 6:00 in the morning!Copy !req
74. Kyle figured out a way to get our
winning ticket stub back from Kenny!Copy !req
75. - How?
- A ladder to heaven.Copy !req
76. We build it, climb up
and get our winning ticket backCopy !req
77. from that asshole, Kenny.Copy !req
78. Hey, if you boys
are building a clubhouse,Copy !req
79. you should start with the floor.Copy !req
80. We're not building a clubhouse.
We're building a ladder to heaven.Copy !req
81. A ladder to heaven?Copy !req
82. - Why, Son?
- Because we want to see Kenny again.Copy !req
83. Oh.Copy !req
84. Oh, that's so sweet.Copy !req
85. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.Copy !req
86. Hey, Randy, can I borrow your...Copy !req
87. What the hell are they doing?Copy !req
88. The boys want to see their dead friend,
Kenny, again, Jimbo, so they'reCopy !req
89. building a ladder to heaven.Copy !req
90. Kyle, I think you've bothered
the Marshes enough.Copy !req
91. No, it's all right, Sheila.
The boys were justCopy !req
92. building a ladder to heaven
to see their old friend Kenny.Copy !req
93. A ladder to... Oh.Copy !req
94. - Oh, gosh.
- Oh, that's so touching.Copy !req
95. Tom, I'm standing in South Park,
Colorado, where last December,Copy !req
96. eight-year-old Kenny McCormick
died of a terminal illness.Copy !req
97. But now, that little boy's
three closest friendsCopy !req
98. miss their friend so muchCopy !req
99. that they are building
a ladder to heaven, in order to...Copy !req
100. A ladder to heaven in order
to try to see him again.Copy !req
101. It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom.Copy !req
102. Here's what some people had to say.Copy !req
103. Well, our son just said to us that
he really needed to seeCopy !req
104. his little friend, Kenny, again and...Copy !req
105. And that he thought it would work if heCopy !req
106. built a ladder to heaven!Copy !req
107. They just believe in their little hearts
that it will work.Copy !req
108. We can't tell them it won't,
we just can't!Copy !req
109. It shows how beautiful
the innocence of a child really is.Copy !req
110. A ladder to heaven? That's fucking stupid.Copy !req
111. These boys symbolise
how we all feel about loss.Copy !req
112. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?Copy !req
113. Tom, people from all over the...Copy !req
114. Sorry.Copy !req
115. People from all over the country
are coming to see the ladder,Copy !req
116. feeling a connection
to its symbolism and beauty.Copy !req
117. Even country singer Alan Jackson
has shown upCopy !req
118. with a song he has written
about the ladder.Copy !req
119. Alan Jackson is of course the man
who wrote the songCopy !req
120. Where Were You
When The World Stopped TurningCopy !req
121. about the tragedies on September 11th.Copy !req
122. And, now, he's here once again
to capitalise on people's emotions.Copy !req
123. Let's listen in.Copy !req
124. Where were you
when they built the ladder to heaven?Copy !req
125. Did it make you feel like crying
Or did you think it was kinda gay?Copy !req
126. What a beautiful song.Copy !req
127. Well, I, for one, believe
in the ladder to heavenCopy !req
128. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 9/11Copy !req
129. I said, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, nine, nineCopy !req
130. 9/11Copy !req
131. Thank you! I have a new CD out
with all my 9/11 songsCopy !req
132. for sale right here!Copy !req
133. - I want one!
- I'll take one.Copy !req
134. Oh, good,
Cartman's back from the junkyard.Copy !req
135. I found this car seat
in Mr. Garrison's car.Copy !req
136. Mr. Garrison threw away his car?Copy !req
137. No.Copy !req
138. Hurry up, Kenny!
You're gonna be late for school!Copy !req
139. Kenny, do you by chance know
what happened to my Playboys?Copy !req
140. Kenny! Answer me!Copy !req
141. Cartman? Cartman?Copy !req
142. What? What?Copy !req
143. Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
144. I don't know.
It's like my brain just keeps jacking off.Copy !req
145. - Maybe you've got brain cancer.
- You think?Copy !req
146. Well, don't get cancer
on the ladder, Cartman.Copy !req
147. You're gonna fall off and break it!Copy !req
148. The nation is rallying
behind three sweet boysCopy !req
149. in Colorado who are buildingCopy !req
150. a ladder to heaven
to be with their dead friend.Copy !req
151. It's making Americans
start to believe in heaven again.Copy !req
152. Well, when I see how this ladder
has brought people together,Copy !req
153. how it has changed America,
I mean, how can I not believe?Copy !req
154. Do you actually believe
in the ladder to heaven?Copy !req
155. If heaven is an eight-year-old boy,
and the ladder is my penis,Copy !req
156. and the pearly gates are the...Copy !req
157. Meanwhile, the American economy...Copy !req
158. Wait... Wait a minute.Copy !req
159. We are getting reports now
that Japan is buildingCopy !req
160. their own ladder to heaven
to compete with the US's.Copy !req
161. Let's go live to
SNN Correspondent Nobu...Copy !req
162. This is Nobunaga Hiroitchi
reporting live from Tokyo,Copy !req
163. where Japan has started building
its own ladder to heaven.Copy !req
164. Already the Japanese ladder
extend far into spaceCopy !req
165. and is growing by 1,000 miles
every day.Copy !req
166. As the endeavour continues,
it is becoming clearCopy !req
167. that Japan will reach heaven
before the United States.Copy !req
168. Excuse me.Copy !req
169. Excuse me!Copy !req
170. We ran out of stuff.Copy !req
171. We ran out of stuff
to build the ladder with.Copy !req
172. - Oh, no.
- Oh, Jesus, no.Copy !req
173. Where were you
when they ran out of stuffCopy !req
174. To build the ladder to heaven?Copy !req
175. We can keep going, but we need to
start tearing down houses for wood.Copy !req
176. No! Look, I think maybe
this has gone far enough.Copy !req
177. Yeah.
It's time we told the boys the truth,Copy !req
178. that they aren't really
going to get to heaven.Copy !req
179. Wait! Look!Copy !req
180. We've come to help you
beat those Japs, boys!Copy !req
181. There won't be anyone stopping
this great ladder from being built today!Copy !req
182. Alpha team!
Get that support structure up!Copy !req
183. Surveillance team!
Get us photos and recon!Copy !req
184. Yes, sir!Copy !req
185. Where were you
when they saved that ladder to heaven?Copy !req
186. Man, I can't believe how much people
want us to get our winning ticket back.Copy !req
187. Candy shopping sprees
have that affect on people, Kyle.Copy !req
188. - You see anything?
- No. Hello?Copy !req
189. Kenny?Copy !req
190. God?Copy !req
191. Grandma?Copy !req
192. Don't tell me we haven't even reached
the cloud city yet!Copy !req
193. No cloud city. Not even the giant.
Heaven must still be a long way off.Copy !req
194. All right, look,
I didn't want to have to say this...Copy !req
195. But, I think, maybe,
we're not seeing heavenCopy !req
196. because one of us
doesn't believe in it enough.Copy !req
197. Heaven could be like the
pixy fairies of Bubble Yum Forest.Copy !req
198. You only see them
if you really believe in them.Copy !req
199. - What?
- You know, maybeCopy !req
200. we're not seeing heaven
because one of us is aCopy !req
201. J-O-O.Copy !req
202. What does me being a Jew
have to do with anything?Copy !req
203. Because Jews don't believe in heaven!Copy !req
204. Yes, we do!
Just not a Christian heaven!Copy !req
205. Right, your idea of heaven is getting
$5 off your matzo ball soupCopy !req
206. at Barney's Beanery
by lying about a hair in it.Copy !req
207. - Hey, Kenny.
- Hey, Kenny.Copy !req
208. In the ghetto, in the ghettoCopy !req
209. He's a boy wearing orange
Who's losing his prideCopy !req
210. 'Cause Kenny and his whole family
Reside in the ghettoCopy !req
211. In the ghettoCopy !req
212. What did you say?Copy !req
213. What did you say?Copy !req
214. I said, shut up, Cartman,
you blood-belching vagina!Copy !req
215. Did I just call myself
a blood-belching vagina?Copy !req
216. Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?Copy !req
217. I don't know. I just...
I keep feeling like I'm Kenny.Copy !req
218. Seeing memories through his eyes.Copy !req
219. You're too fat to be Kenny.Copy !req
220. - You're a stupid Jew.
- Let's just keep building!Copy !req
221. We only have five more days
until the shopping spree!Copy !req
222. All right, how's the ladder going,
General?Copy !req
223. - Are we beating the Japanese?
- Not quite.Copy !req
224. But we have a new problem,
Mr. President.Copy !req
225. Our recon team on the ladder just foundCopy !req
226. new evidence of threats
from Saddam Hussein.Copy !req
227. Saddam Hussein? But we killed him.Copy !req
228. - We secretly took him out months ago.
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
229. And now we believe that he is building
weapons of mass destructionCopy !req
230. in heaven.Copy !req
231. Dear Christ,
that son of a bitch just doesn't stop!Copy !req
232. These surveillance photos were taken
atop the ladderCopy !req
233. of what appears to be heaven.Copy !req
234. Here we see
what we believe to be a missile silo.Copy !req
235. And, here, we see what looks likeCopy !req
236. a laboratory of some sort
for making chemical weapons.Copy !req
237. That kind of looks like a seagull.Copy !req
238. Yes, it could be a laboratory
disguised as a seagull.Copy !req
239. - That tricky bastard.
- Sir, you must understand our fears.Copy !req
240. We must take out those facilities.
We must bomb heaven.Copy !req
241. SNN question of the day,
now that Americans believe in heaven,Copy !req
242. should we bomb it?
The polls right now showCopy !req
243. that 51% of Americans think
Saddam has to be dealt with,Copy !req
244. while 49% are wimpy,
tree-hugging pussies.Copy !req
245. War is not my voice.Copy !req
246. This country is just run by rednecks
and bumpkins with their guns!Copy !req
247. We have to take Saddam out
to protect ourselves!Copy !req
248. I, for one,
believe that if Saddam HusseinCopy !req
249. were an eight-year-old boyCopy !req
250. and my penis were the United States,
then there would...Copy !req
251. Hard nipples!Copy !req
252. God damn it!Copy !req
253. Tom, it's been five days
since three sweet boysCopy !req
254. set out to build a ladder to heaven
and captured the nation's hearts.Copy !req
255. They've made a nation believe
heaven might be up there.Copy !req
256. And it could prove to be
a threat to our country.Copy !req
257. President Bush will seek
UN approval for military action.Copy !req
258. Boys, it's really neat
that you want to seeCopy !req
259. your old pal, Kenny, so much, but...Copy !req
260. But it's time for you to get back
to school and on with your lives.Copy !req
261. No, we have to see Kenny!Copy !req
262. You have to understand that
Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds.Copy !req
263. He was cremated.Copy !req
264. Cremated? What's that?Copy !req
265. When you die,
your body is put into a broiling ovenCopy !req
266. and cooked
until you're nothing but ashes.Copy !req
267. What? For God's sakes, why?Copy !req
268. Kyle, it's just what some people do.Copy !req
269. - Are you gonna burn me?
- Kyle, that's not the issue right now.Copy !req
270. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
271. A person's ashes are put into an urn,
and that's where Kenny's body is.Copy !req
272. You see, boys, Kenny is in here.Copy !req
273. What the...Copy !req
274. Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!Copy !req
275. All right, all right!
I drank the chocolate milk mixCopy !req
276. and replaced it with kitty litter.Copy !req
277. You what?Copy !req
278. Dude! Don't you know what this means?
You drank Kenny!Copy !req
279. Shut up!Copy !req
280. You did, dude!
You drank his whole body!Copy !req
281. Shut up!Copy !req
282. Oh, my God!
This is awful and disgusting!Copy !req
283. Bad, Eric! Bad!Copy !req
284. That explains it,Copy !req
285. why I'm having Kenny's memories
all the time!Copy !req
286. - His soul is inside me!
- Well, so much for our winning ticket!Copy !req
287. Cartman probably drank that
with the rest of Kenny!Copy !req
288. Yeah, good job, fat ass!Copy !req
289. I can't live like this!Copy !req
290. I have to find a place where they remove
living souls from your body!Copy !req
291. Looks like I've come to the right place.Copy !req
292. - Can I help you?
- Yes, hello.Copy !req
293. I have a living thing inside of me
that I need sucked out, please.Copy !req
294. You'll have to make an appointment.Copy !req
295. The charge is $230.Copy !req
296. $230?Copy !req
297. I just want you to vacuum him out of me
and not put him up in a condominium!Copy !req
298. It's gonna be okay, babe.Copy !req
299. Listen, lady,
you gotta get this crap out of me!Copy !req
300. I don't want him in me any more!
Just suck him up and throw him out!Copy !req
301. Oh, Steven! I can't go through with this!
I have to keep it!Copy !req
302. Damn it! Damn it!Copy !req
303. Thanks a lot, kid!Copy !req
304. Kenny! Kenny!Copy !req
305. Kenny, Lolly's Candyland is giving away
a shopping spree!Copy !req
306. We're all gonna pitch in on an entry!Copy !req
307. All right! There you go!
Hold on to that ticket stub!Copy !req
308. Hold onto this, Cartman, I might lose it.Copy !req
309. No, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.Copy !req
310. Okay. No, I don't want
that much responsibility.Copy !req
311. Here, you hold onto it, Kenny.Copy !req
312. You better not lose that ticket, Kenny,
or else I'll kick you in the nuts!Copy !req
313. The ticket!Copy !req
314. Kenny didn't have it on him
when he died!Copy !req
315. He put it away somewhere!
Don't you see?Copy !req
316. I can still have
my candy shopping spree!Copy !req
317. Oh, my God! You guys! You guys!Copy !req
318. Ladies and gentlemen of the UN,Copy !req
319. we have evidence that
Saddam Hussein is up there,Copy !req
320. building weapons of mass destruction.Copy !req
321. We have tried to communicate
with Saddam through a psychicCopy !req
322. to ask him to let us see
his warehouses in heaven,Copy !req
323. but he has not responded.Copy !req
324. Of course he has not responded,
because he's dead!Copy !req
325. Right, dead, and in heaven.Copy !req
326. This is preposterous.Copy !req
327. Even if there was a heaven,
what makes you thinkCopy !req
328. Saddam Hussein's soul
would be sent there?Copy !req
329. Our intelligence tells us that when
Saddam was originally killed,Copy !req
330. his soul, actually, went to hell.Copy !req
331. But while in hell, he began
a homosexual relationship with Satan,Copy !req
332. the Prince of Darkness.Copy !req
333. Satan, however, decided he didn't want
to be with Hussein any moreCopy !req
334. and broke up with him around August.Copy !req
335. When Saddam became jealous
and tried to kill Satan's new lover,Copy !req
336. Chris, Satan had Saddam
sent to heaven to liveCopy !req
337. with Mormons as a punishment.Copy !req
338. Questions?Copy !req
339. Yes?Copy !req
340. Are you high or just incredibly stupid?Copy !req
341. I assure you, I am not high.Copy !req
342. You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!Copy !req
343. - What do you mean, fat ass?
- I just had another vision, you buttholes!Copy !req
344. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him!
He put it away somewhere!Copy !req
345. - Where?
- I don't know!Copy !req
346. I got conked in the head
down at the abortion clinic,Copy !req
347. and I clearly saw Kenny putting
the ticket in a little red box!Copy !req
348. I just have to wait
for another vision to come.Copy !req
349. I could clearly see through Kenny's...Copy !req
350. You see anything?Copy !req
351. Yes, Kyle. I see a dead Jew!Copy !req
352. Maybe Kyle's right,
we gotta spark the visions somehow.Copy !req
353. Not by giving me brain damage!Copy !req
354. Do you want
a candy shopping spree or not?Copy !req
355. All right, go ahead.Copy !req
356. No.Copy !req
357. Randy! Gerald!
We were wrong about heaven!Copy !req
358. The Japanese just reached it
with their ladder!Copy !req
359. What?Copy !req
360. See for yourself!Copy !req
361. This is Nobunaga Hiroitchi reporting liveCopy !req
362. from heaven.Copy !req
363. The great nation of Japan
reached heavenCopy !req
364. today about 8:00 Pacific Standard Time.Copy !req
365. Therefore, heaven is now declared
an official part of Japan.Copy !req
366. Because we got here first.Copy !req
367. And, now, for the weather in heaven,
let's go to Natsuko Sen.Copy !req
368. Today weather in heaven, partly cloudy.Copy !req
369. That's the news from heaven.Copy !req
370. Oh, God! And we told our boys
they'd never reach heaven!Copy !req
371. Kids!Copy !req
372. Good.
As soon as the boys finish their ladder,Copy !req
373. we'll be ready to take Saddam out.Copy !req
374. Do you really think
this is a good idea, Randy?Copy !req
375. If Saddam is building weapons,
we have to stop him.Copy !req
376. With our weapons.Copy !req
377. Excuse me, everyone! We're not
working on the ladder any more.Copy !req
378. Thank you. We're done!Copy !req
379. - They're...
- Not working on the ladder?Copy !req
380. But the Japanese
won't let us use theirs!Copy !req
381. Kenny didn't have the ticket stub.
It was in his room.Copy !req
382. So we got all our candy
and you can all go home!Copy !req
383. Wait. Are you saying
that you boys only wantedCopy !req
384. to build a ladder to heaven
so you could get some candy?Copy !req
385. I've never heard the words "only" and
"candy" in the same sentence before.Copy !req
386. But what about your lost friend?Copy !req
387. What about your fragile innocence
in believing we could all get to heaven?Copy !req
388. Yeah, well, people make us kids believe
that heaven is this white placeCopy !req
389. with fluffy clouds and angels.Copy !req
390. Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven
isn't a place you can get to.Copy !req
391. Maybe heaven is just an idea,Copy !req
392. a frame of mind,
or something gay like that.Copy !req
393. Maybe heaven is this moment,
right now.Copy !req
394. So, you're saying we should
bomb this moment, right now?Copy !req
395. - Right! Johnston!
- Sir!Copy !req
396. No! No, we shouldn't bomb anybody.Copy !req
397. These boys are right.Copy !req
398. The only heaven we can hope for
is one here on Earth, now.Copy !req
399. We should stop waiting
to get into heavenCopy !req
400. and start trying to create it.Copy !req
401. And I was dumb enough to believe
Saddam could actually be up thereCopy !req
402. building bombs!Copy !req
403. Where were you
when they decided heavenCopy !req
404. Was a more intangible ideaCopy !req
405. And couldn't
You couldn't really get there?Copy !req
406. You little bastards ruined
my latest song!Copy !req
407. Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with.
Let's go count our candy!Copy !req
408. Yeah, but what about Kenny?
His soul is still in Cartman's body.Copy !req
409. No, no. I just drank his memories.Copy !req
410. I'm not sharing my body
with that poor piece of crap.Copy !req
411. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!Copy !req
412. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Kenny, you in there?Copy !req
413. Stop it! Where am I, you guys?
Oh, God!Copy !req
414. - Dude! Come back here!
- Stop him, Kenny!Copy !req
415. Keep those nitrogen capsules
over there by the warheads.Copy !req
416. Right! Chop, chop! Come on!Copy !req
417. Saddam.Copy !req
418. I've been hearing rumours that you'reCopy !req
419. secretly building
weapons of mass destruction up here.Copy !req
420. Weapons of mass destruction?Copy !req
421. No! This is a chocolate chip factory.
See?Copy !req
422. It looks like a chemical weapons plant.Copy !req
423. Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build
a chemical weapons plant,Copy !req
424. I wouldn't make it look like
a chemical weapons plant, would I?Copy !req
425. I'd make it look like
a chocolate chip factory or something.Copy !req
426. All right, just checking.Copy !req
427. Stupid asshole.Copy !req