1. I'm going down to South Park
Gonna have myself a time
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2. Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
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3. Going down to South Park
Gonna leave my woes behind
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4. Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour"
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5. Heading on up to South Park
Gonna see if I can't unwind
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6. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy
Timmy, Timmy
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7. Living a lie, Timmy!
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8. Come on down to South Park
And meet some friends of mine
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9. Oh, hello there, kids!
Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop!
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10. We're the kids whose names you called
on your commercial last night!
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11. - We're here to do the shopping spree!
- Oh, that's great!
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12. You bet your fat clown ass it is!
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13. Okay!
Well, I'll just need your ticket stub.
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14. Ticket stub?
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15. You know, when you entered the contest
you got the other half of this ticket.
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16. - Oh... Who has the ticket stub?
- It was such a long time ago!
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17. We don't really need
the ticket stub, do we?
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18. Don't need the ticket stub?
Are you high?
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19. How else do I know you're the winners?
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20. Because our names were called on
the commercial last night!
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21. Sorry, boys, no ticket stub,
no candy shopping spree.
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22. If you find it, you can come back,
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23. but you only have one week
to claim the prize.
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24. That's called a ticking clock.
Works great in the movies.
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25. God damn it!
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26. - We've got to find that ticket!
- Which one of us took it?
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27. It was so long ago I can't remember!
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28. We've got to focus!
We've got to focus and remember!
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29. All right! There you go!
Hold on to that ticket stub!
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30. You'll need it to claim your prize!
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31. Sign up for
the five-minute shopping spree!
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32. You hold onto this, Cartman.
I might lose it.
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33. No, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.
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34. Okay.
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35. No, I don't want
that much responsibility.
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36. Here, you hold onto it, Kenny.
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37. Kenny!
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38. - Yes?
- Where's Kenny?
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39. Boys...
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40. Kenny died last December.
Don't you remember?
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41. We know he's dead!
We mean, where is his body?
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42. His body? But why?
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43. Because he has
the goddamn ticket for...
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44. Look, we just really miss our friend,
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45. and we need to
see his remains for closure.
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46. - Yeah, closure.
- What the... is closure?
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47. Oh, all right, boys. Come on in.
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48. We haven't seen you boys for so long.
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49. We thought
you'd forgotten all about him.
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50. Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.
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51. You turned him into a teapot?
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52. No, that's an urn, boys.
Kenny's inside it.
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53. Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.
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54. They miss you an awful lot,
like we all do.
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55. Thanks for coming by, boys.
It means a lot to us.
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56. Oh, now, honey.
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57. - Did you get it?
- Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards.
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58. There's not gonna be any
robot guards, retard!
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59. Just get Kenny!
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60. All right! We made it!
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61. Kenny better have
the ticket stub with him in there!
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62. Let him out, Cartman!
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63. Kenny?
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64. - Kenny?
- Is he in there?
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65. I can't see.
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66. What the hell is this?
Chocolate milk mix?
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67. - I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that teapot!
- It was a trick!
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68. God damn it, this isn't even
good chocolate milk mix!
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69. Kenny's parents must be
laughing pretty hard about now.
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70. We were dumb enough to believe
Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
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71. Why would they play
such a cruel joke on us?
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72. Because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people
don't have anything better to do
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73. than piss other people off.
Don't you watch Springer?
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74. We just have to face it.
We're not gonna get Kenny back,
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75. and we're not gonna
have our shopping spree.
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76. - It's over!
- God damn it! There has to be a way!
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77. Not bad.
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78. Hurry up, Kenny!
You're gonna be late for school!
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79. I don't think that chocolate milk mix
agreed with my stomach.
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80. - Cartman! Come on!
- What? What?
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81. Jesus, you buttholes!
It's 6:00 in the morning!
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82. Kyle figured out a way to get our
winning ticket stub back from Kenny!
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83. - How?
- A ladder to heaven.
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84. We build it, climb up
and get our winning ticket back
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85. from that asshole, Kenny.
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86. Hey, if you boys
are building a clubhouse,
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87. you should start with the floor.
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88. We're not building a clubhouse.
We're building a ladder to heaven.
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89. A ladder to heaven?
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90. - Why, Son?
- Because we want to see Kenny again.
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91. Oh.
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92. Oh, that's so sweet.
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93. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
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94. Hey, Randy, can I borrow your...
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95. What the hell are they doing?
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96. The boys want to see their dead friend,
Kenny, again, Jimbo, so they're
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97. building a ladder to heaven.
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98. Kyle, I think you've bothered
the Marshes enough.
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99. No, it's all right, Sheila.
The boys were just
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100. building a ladder to heaven
to see their old friend Kenny.
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101. A ladder to... Oh.
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102. - Oh, gosh.
- Oh, that's so touching.
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103. Tom, I'm standing in South Park,
Colorado, where last December,
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104. eight-year-old Kenny McCormick
died of a terminal illness.
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105. But now, that little boy's
three closest friends
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106. miss their friend so much
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107. that they are building
a ladder to heaven, in order to...
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108. A ladder to heaven in order
to try to see him again.
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109. It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom.
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110. Here's what some people had to say.
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111. Well, our son just said to us that
he really needed to see
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112. his little friend, Kenny, again and...
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113. And that he thought it would work if he
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114. built a ladder to heaven!
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115. They just believe in their little hearts
that it will work.
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116. We can't tell them it won't,
we just can't!
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117. It shows how beautiful
the innocence of a child really is.
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118. A ladder to heaven? That's... stupid.
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119. These boys symbolise
how we all feel about loss.
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120. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
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121. Tom, people from all over the...
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122. Sorry.
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123. People from all over the country
are coming to see the ladder,
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124. feeling a connection
to its symbolism and beauty.
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125. Even country singer Alan Jackson
has shown up
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126. with a song he has written
about the ladder.
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127. Alan Jackson is of course the man
who wrote the song
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128. Where Were You
When The World Stopped Turning
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129. about the tragedies on September 11th.
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130. And, now, he's here once again
to capitalise on people's emotions.
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131. Let's listen in.
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132. Where were you
when they built the ladder to heaven?
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133. Did it make you feel like crying
Or did you think it was kinda gay?
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134. What a beautiful song.
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135. Well, I, for one, believe
in the ladder to heaven
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136. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 9/11
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137. I said, 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, nine, nine
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138. 9/11
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139. Thank you! I have a new CD out
with all my 9/11 songs
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140. for sale right here!
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141. - I want one!
- I'll take one.
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142. Oh, good,
Cartman's back from the junkyard.
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143. I found this car seat
in Mr. Garrison's car.
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144. Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
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145. No.
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146. Hurry up, Kenny!
You're gonna be late for school!
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147. Kenny, do you by chance know
what happened to my Playboys?
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148. Kenny! Answer me!
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149. Cartman? Cartman?
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150. What? What?
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151. Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
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152. I don't know.
It's like my brain just keeps jacking off.
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153. - Maybe you've got brain cancer.
- You think?
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154. Well, don't get cancer
on the ladder, Cartman.
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155. You're gonna fall off and break it!
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156. The nation is rallying
behind three sweet boys
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157. in Colorado who are building
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158. a ladder to heaven
to be with their dead friend.
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159. It's making Americans
start to believe in heaven again.
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160. Well, when I see how this ladder
has brought people together,
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161. how it has changed America,
I mean, how can I not believe?
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162. Do you actually believe
in the ladder to heaven?
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163. If heaven is an eight-year-old boy,
and the ladder is my penis,
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164. and the pearly gates are the...
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165. Meanwhile, the American economy...
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166. Wait... Wait a minute.
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167. We are getting reports now
that Japan is building
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168. their own ladder to heaven
to compete with the US's.
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169. Let's go live to
SNN Correspondent Nobu...
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170. This is Nobunaga Hiroitchi
reporting live from Tokyo,
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171. where Japan has started building
its own ladder to heaven.
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172. Already the Japanese ladder
extend far into space
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173. and is growing by 1,000 miles
every day.
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174. As the endeavour continues,
it is becoming clear
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175. that Japan will reach heaven
before the United States.
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176. Excuse me.
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177. Excuse me!
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178. We ran out of stuff.
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179. We ran out of stuff
to build the ladder with.
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180. - Oh, no.
- Oh, Jesus, no.
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181. Where were you
when they ran out of stuff
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182. To build the ladder to heaven?
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183. We can keep going, but we need to
start tearing down houses for wood.
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184. No! Look, I think maybe
this has gone far enough.
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185. Yeah.
It's time we told the boys the truth,
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186. that they aren't really
going to get to heaven.
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187. Wait! Look!
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188. We've come to help you
beat those Japs, boys!
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189. There won't be anyone stopping
this great ladder from being built today!
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190. Alpha team!
Get that support structure up!
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191. Surveillance team!
Get us photos and recon!
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192. Yes, sir!
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193. Where were you
when they saved that ladder to heaven?
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194. Man, I can't believe how much people
want us to get our winning ticket back.
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195. Candy shopping sprees
have that affect on people, Kyle.
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196. - You see anything?
- No. Hello?
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197. Kenny?
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198. God?
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199. Grandma?
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200. Don't tell me we haven't even reached
the cloud city yet!
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201. No cloud city. Not even the giant.
Heaven must still be a long way off.
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202. All right, look,
I didn't want to have to say this...
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203. But, I think, maybe,
we're not seeing heaven
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204. because one of us
doesn't believe in it enough.
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205. Heaven could be like the
pixy fairies of Bubble Yum Forest.
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206. You only see them
if you really believe in them.
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207. - What?
- You know, maybe
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208. we're not seeing heaven
because one of us is a
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209. J- O-O.
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210. What does me being a Jew
have to do with anything?
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211. Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
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212. Yes, we do!
Just not a Christian heaven!
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213. Right, your idea of heaven is getting
$5 off your matzo ball soup
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214. at Barney's Beanery
by lying about a hair in it.
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215. - Hey, Kenny.
- Hey, Kenny.
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216. In the ghetto, in the ghetto
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217. He's a boy wearing orange
Who's losing his pride
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218. 'Cause Kenny and his whole family
Reside in the ghetto
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219. In the ghetto
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220. What did you say?
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221. What did you say?
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222. I said, shut up, Cartman,
you blood-belching vagina!
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223. Did I just call myself
a blood-belching vagina?
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224. Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?
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225. I don't know. I just...
I keep feeling like I'm Kenny.
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226. Seeing memories through his eyes.
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227. You're too fat to be Kenny.
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228. - You're a stupid Jew.
- Let's just keep building!
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229. We only have five more days
until the shopping spree!
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230. All right, how's the ladder going,
General?
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231. - Are we beating the Japanese?
- Not quite.
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232. But we have a new problem,
Mr. President.
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233. Our recon team on the ladder just found
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234. new evidence of threats
from Saddam Hussein.
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235. Saddam Hussein? But we killed him.
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236. - We secretly took him out months ago.
- Yes, sir.
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237. And now we believe that he is building
weapons of mass destruction
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238. in heaven.
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239. Dear Christ,
that son of a bitch just doesn't stop!
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240. These surveillance photos were taken
atop the ladder
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241. of what appears to be heaven.
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242. Here we see
what we believe to be a missile silo.
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243. And, here, we see what looks like
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244. a laboratory of some sort
for making chemical weapons.
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245. That kind of looks like a seagull.
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246. Yes, it could be a laboratory
disguised as a seagull.
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247. - That tricky bastard.
- Sir, you must understand our fears.
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248. We must take out those facilities.
We must bomb heaven.
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249. SNN question of the day,
now that Americans believe in heaven,
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250. should we bomb it?
The polls right now show
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251. that 51% of Americans think
Saddam has to be dealt with,
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252. while 49% are wimpy,
tree-hugging pussies.
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253. War is not my voice.
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254. This country is just run by rednecks
and bumpkins with their guns!
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255. We have to take Saddam out
to protect ourselves!
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256. I, for one,
believe that if Saddam Hussein
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257. were an eight-year-old boy
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258. and my penis were the United States,
then there would...
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259. Hard nipples!
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260. God damn it!
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261. Tom, it's been five days
since three sweet boys
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262. set out to build a ladder to heaven
and captured the nation's hearts.
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263. They've made a nation believe
heaven might be up there.
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264. And it could prove to be
a threat to our country.
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265. President Bush will seek
UN approval for military action.
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266. Boys, it's really neat
that you want to see
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267. your old pal, Kenny, so much, but...
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268. But it's time for you to get back
to school and on with your lives.
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269. No, we have to see Kenny!
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270. You have to understand that
Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds.
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271. He was cremated.
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272. Cremated? What's that?
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273. When you die,
your body is put into a broiling oven
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274. and cooked
until you're nothing but ashes.
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275. What? For God's sakes, why?
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276. Kyle, it's just what some people do.
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277. - Are you gonna burn me?
- Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
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278. Jesus Christ!
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279. A person's ashes are put into an urn,
and that's where Kenny's body is.
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280. You see, boys, Kenny is in here.
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281. What the...
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282. Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
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283. All right, all right!
I drank the chocolate milk mix
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284. and replaced it with kitty litter.
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285. You what?
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286. Dude! Don't you know what this means?
You drank Kenny!
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287. Shut up!
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288. You did, dude!
You drank his whole body!
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289. Shut up!
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290. Oh, my God!
This is awful and disgusting!
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291. Bad, Eric! Bad!
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292. That explains it,
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293. why I'm having Kenny's memories
all the time!
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294. - His soul is inside me!
- Well, so much for our winning ticket!
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295. Cartman probably drank that
with the rest of Kenny!
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296. Yeah, good job, fat ass!
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297. I can't live like this!
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298. I have to find a place where they remove
living souls from your body!
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299. Looks like I've come to the right place.
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300. - Can I help you?
- Yes, hello.
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301. I have a living thing inside of me
that I need sucked out, please.
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302. You'll have to make an appointment.
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303. The charge is $230.
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304. $230?
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305. I just want you to vacuum him out of me
and not put him up in a condominium!
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306. It's gonna be okay, babe.
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307. Listen, lady,
you gotta get this crap out of me!
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308. I don't want him in me any more!
Just suck him up and throw him out!
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309. Oh, Steven! I can't go through with this!
I have to keep it!
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310. Damn it! Damn it!
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311. Thanks a lot, kid!
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312. Kenny! Kenny!
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313. Kenny, Lolly's Candyland is giving away
a shopping spree!
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314. We're all gonna pitch in on an entry!
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315. All right! There you go!
Hold on to that ticket stub!
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316. Hold onto this, Cartman, I might lose it.
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317. No, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.
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318. Okay. No, I don't want
that much responsibility.
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319. Here, you hold onto it, Kenny.
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320. You better not lose that ticket, Kenny,
or else I'll kick you in the nuts!
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321. The ticket!
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322. Kenny didn't have it on him
when he died!
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323. He put it away somewhere!
Don't you see?
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324. I can still have
my candy shopping spree!
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325. Oh, my God! You guys! You guys!
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326. Ladies and gentlemen of the UN,
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327. we have evidence that
Saddam Hussein is up there,
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328. building weapons of mass destruction.
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329. We have tried to communicate
with Saddam through a psychic
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330. to ask him to let us see
his warehouses in heaven,
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331. but he has not responded.
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332. Of course he has not responded,
because he's dead!
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333. Right, dead, and in heaven.
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334. This is preposterous.
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335. Even if there was a heaven,
what makes you think
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336. Saddam Hussein's soul
would be sent there?
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337. Our intelligence tells us that when
Saddam was originally killed,
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338. his soul, actually, went to hell.
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339. But while in hell, he began
a homosexual relationship with Satan,
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340. the Prince of Darkness.
Copy !req
341. Satan, however, decided he didn't want
to be with Hussein any more
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342. and broke up with him around August.
Copy !req
343. When Saddam became jealous
and tried to kill Satan's new lover,
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344. Chris, Satan had Saddam
sent to heaven to live
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345. with Mormons as a punishment.
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346. Questions?
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347. Yes?
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348. Are you high or just incredibly stupid?
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349. I assure you, I am not high.
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350. You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
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351. - What do you mean, fat ass?
- I just had another vision, you buttholes!
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352. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him!
He put it away somewhere!
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353. - Where?
- I don't know!
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354. I got konked in the head
down at the abortion clinic,
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355. and I clearly saw Kenny putting
the ticket in a little red box!
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356. I just have to wait
for another vision to come.
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357. I could clearly see through Kenny's...
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358. You see anything?
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359. Yes, Kyle. I see a dead Jew!
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360. Maybe Kyle's right,
we gotta spark the visions somehow.
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361. Not by giving me brain damage!
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362. Do you want
a candy shopping spree or not?
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363. All right, go ahead.
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364. No.
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365. Randy! Gerald!
We were wrong about heaven!
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366. The Japanese just reached it
with their ladder!
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367. What?
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368. See for yourself!
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369. This is Nobunaga Hiroitchi reporting live
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370. from heaven.
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371. The great nation of Japan
reached heaven
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372. today about 8:00 Pacific Standard Time.
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373. Therefore, heaven is now declared
an official part of Japan.
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374. Because we got here first.
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375. And, now, for the weather in heaven,
let's go to Natsuko Sen.
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376. Today weather in heaven, partly cloudy.
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377. That's the news from heaven.
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378. Oh, God! And we told our boys
they'd never reach heaven!
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379. Kids!
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380. Good.
As soon as the boys finish their ladder,
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381. we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
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382. Do you really think
this is a good idea, Randy?
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383. If Saddam is building weapons,
we have to stop him.
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384. With our weapons.
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385. Excuse me, everyone! We're not
working on the ladder any more.
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386. Thank you. We're done!
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387. - They're...
- Not working on the ladder?
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388. But the Japanese
won't let us use theirs!
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389. Kenny didn't have the ticket stub.
It was in his room.
Copy !req
390. So we got all our candy
and you can all go home!
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391. Wait. Are you saying
that you boys only wanted
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392. to build a ladder to heaven
so you could get some candy?
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393. I've never heard the words "only" and
"candy" in the same sentence before.
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394. But what about your lost friend?
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395. What about your fragile innocence
in believing we could all get to heaven?
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396. Yeah, well, people make us kids believe
that heaven is this white place
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397. with fluffy clouds and angels.
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398. Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven
isn't a place you can get to.
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399. Maybe heaven is just an idea,
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400. a frame of mind,
or something gay like that.
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401. Maybe heaven is this moment,
right now.
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402. So, you're saying we should
bomb this moment, right now?
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403. - Right! Johnston!
- Sir!
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404. No! No, we shouldn't bomb anybody.
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405. These boys are right.
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406. The only heaven we can hope for
is one here on Earth, now.
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407. We should stop waiting
to get into heaven
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408. and start trying to create it.
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409. And I was dumb enough to believe
Saddam could actually be up there
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410. building bombs!
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411. Where were you
when they decided heaven
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412. Was a more intangible idea
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413. And couldn't
You couldn't really get there?
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414. You little bastards ruined
my latest song!
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415. Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with.
Let's go count our candy!
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416. Yeah, but what about Kenny?
His soul is still in Cartman's body.
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417. No, no. I just drank his memories.
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418. I'm not sharing my body
with that poor piece of crap.
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419. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!
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420. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Kenny, you in there?
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421. Stop it! Where am I, you guys?
Oh, God!
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422. - Dude! Come back here!
- Stop him, Kenny!
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423. Keep those nitrogen capsules
over there by the warheads.
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424. Right! Chop, chop! Come on!
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425. Saddam.
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426. I've been hearing rumours that you're
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427. secretly building
weapons of mass destruction up here.
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428. Weapons of mass destruction?
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429. No! This is a chocolate chip factory.
See?
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430. It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
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431. Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build
a chemical weapons plant,
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432. I wouldn't make it look like
a chemical weapons plant, would I?
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433. I'd make it look like
a chocolate chip factory or something.
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434. All right, just checking.
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435. Stupid asshole.
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