1. Well, you boys
must be pretty excited—
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2. Your first night
of scouts.
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3. It's gonna suck;
there's gonna be
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4. all these new kids there
we don't know.
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5. Yeah.
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6. Well, now,
that's part of the fun.
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7. Yeah, both Kenny's dad and I
were in scouts for years.
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8. Was your dad
in scouts, Cartman?
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9. Oh, yeah,
you don't have a dad.
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10. That's not funny!
Jesus Christ!
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11. Are you excited for your
first night of scouts, Timmy?
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12. Yeah, Timmy!
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13. Yeah,
he's excited.
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14. Hey, fellas.
Hey, Butters.
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15. Boy, am I glad
to see you guys.
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16. There's lots of kids here
from other schools.
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17. I don't know anybody.
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18. All right, boys,
we're gonna head to the bar.
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19. We'll be back
to pick you up at 9:00.
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20. You boys just make sure
to obey the scout leader, now.
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21. He's the man in charge.
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22. Hello, scouts!
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23. Hey, it's Big Gay Al.
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24. Hello, Stanley.
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25. I was happy to see you
and your
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26. little friends' names
on the list.
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27. Timmy!
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28. You're the new scout leader?
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29. I just got transferred in.
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30. I think everyone's here now,
so we can get started.
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31. Come on, scouts.
We've got work to do.
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32. - Hooray!
- See you, Dad.
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33. Hey, are you parents
gonna stand there all night?
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34. This meeting is for scouts only,
you silly gooses.
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35. Now, before
we get started, scouts,
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36. I want to introduce you
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37. to someone very special here
tonight.
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38. He's a brave little boy
with disabilities
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39. who proves just by being here
that scouts are for everyone!
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40. Timmy!
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41. So let's all all give
a big round of applause
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42. to little Jimmy.
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43. Well, hello,
everyone.
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44. J-Jimmy?
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45. Look, I'm not saying the new
scout leader's a bad person.
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46. I just don't think
he should be a scout leader.
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47. Well, he got to where he is
by being a good scout.
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48. Maybe we should just
leave him alone.
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49. Well, how gay is he?
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50. He's really,
really gay.
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51. Well, then I don't want
my boy there, either.
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52. So he's a homosexual.
So what?
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53. I have nothing against
homosexuals either, Randy,
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54. but the big camping trip
is next week.
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55. Are you saying you're fine
with this guy camping overnight
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56. alone with our boys?
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57. You know, boys emulate
authority figures.
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58. Even if it doesn't
turn them gay,
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59. they can end up
all talking all femme
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60. and prancing around
like girls.
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61. Ah, that's ridiculous.
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62. People, people! Please!
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63. You're forgetting
that homosexuality is a choice.
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64. As many of you know, I myself
went through a homosexual phase.
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65. But the light of Christ
showed me how to change.
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66. Just give me two hours
with this man,
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67. and I can
convert him back.
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68. That's what you said
about Peterson,
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69. and then you ended up
having sex with him.
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70. - That's right.
- You did.
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71. And so that's how to make
banana nut muffins.
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72. And now,
as a very special treat,
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73. our very special
friend Jimmy
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74. is going to do
what he loves most:
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75. motivational
stand-up comedy.
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76. Let's give him
a big hand.
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77. Wow, what a great audience.
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78. Well, just in case
you were wondering,
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79. I do have
a disability:
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80. I am totally happy with the way
I was born, very much.
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81. I travel to different states
and talk to kids
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82. about being proud
of what they are.
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83. My mom says God
has a p-plan for everyone.
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84. I guess I was plan "B."
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85. You guys like impersonations?
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86. Timmy.
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87. How about Jimmy Stewart?
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88. "Merry Christmas,
movie house."
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89. And John Travolta —
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90. "Oh, my God,
Mr. Kotter.
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91. Mr. Kotter, oh, my God.
Mr. Kotter."
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92. Jimmy's funny, dude.
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93. Yeah, well,
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94. he's the coolest kid
with disabilities in the world.
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95. Hmph!
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96. Uh, Kenny, it's 9:00.
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97. Come on, Stanley.
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98. Oops, guess we're
out of time, kids.
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99. Now, remember,
tomorrow you all have bake sales
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100. in your respective neighborhoods
to raise money.
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101. We'll meet back here
next Tuesday
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102. and see who raised the most.
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103. Good luck!
- Hey, I've got a great idea.
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104. Why don't we see
if Jimmy wants
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105. to come be
in our scout club?
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106. Hey, yeah.
- Timmy, Timmy.
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107. Hey, Jimmy, you want to come
join our bake sale
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108. in South Park tomorrow?
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109. Jeez, sure, that'd be great.
Thanks, fellas.
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110. Come on, Stan.
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111. Bye, Big Gay Al.
We had a great time.
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112. - Yeah, thanks.
- Bye, Jimmy!
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113. See you tomorrow
at the bake sale, fellas.
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114. You were right, Dad.
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115. Scouts is awesome.
- Yeah!
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116. We told ghost stories
and learned
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117. how to make a tornado
in a glass bottle.
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118. Yeah, we learned
how to make cakes and muffins
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119. for our bake sale.
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120. And best of all,
we met this kid named Jimmy.
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121. He's disabled but he doesn't
let it ruin his life.
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122. He's awesome!
- Aah!
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123. Yeah, we're gonna use him
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124. to help raise money
at our bake sale.
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125. Cartman, don't say "use him",
you big silly goose.
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126. Ah!
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127. What did you say?
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128. I just called Cartman a name.
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129. He's a silly goose.
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130. Uh-huh.
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131. You do not say
"big silly goose"!
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132. You call him an asshole
like a normal kid.
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133. But, dad,
I was just trying to—
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134. Stanley, you call your friend
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135. an asshole this instant!
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136. Asshole?
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137. That's better.
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138. Don't call me asshole,
you son of a bitch.
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139. Uh, hello?
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140. We're having a bake sale
to raise money
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141. for scout troop number six-nine.
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142. Uh, please stop by
and give us a hand.
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143. And now,
for your entertainment —
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144. our new best friend,
stand-up comic Jimmy!
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145. Wow, what a great audience.
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146. I just flew into South Park.
Boy, are my crutches tired.
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147. What a terrific audience.
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148. You know,
people sometimes ask me,
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149. "Are you angry at God
for making disabled people?"
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150. I say, "no, I think the world
is better with President Bush."
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151. What a brave little boy.
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152. He's able to use comedy
to overcome his handicap.
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153. I love him!
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154. Timmy.
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155. Well, I sure have met
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156. a lot of interesting people
here in South Park.
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157. How about that
Eric Cartman kid, huh?
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158. "God damn it.
No, kitty, that's my pot pie!
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159. God damn it!
God damn it!"
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160. Heh, heh.
- I don't sound like that.
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161. And how about
that school counselor?
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162. "Drugs are bad.
Drugs are bad, okay?
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163. Drugs are bad, okay?
Okay?"
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164. Wow, what a great
audience.
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165. "Mr. Hat, be quiet,
Mr. Hat.
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166. "Mr.--hello, there, children,
Mr. Hat.
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167. "Hello, Mr. Hat.
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168. "I'm making salisbury steak
for lunch—
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169. salisbury steak for lunch."
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170. "God damn it!
God damn it!"
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171. And of course,
my very favorite...
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172. "Timmy! Timmy!
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173. I'm living a lie.
I'm living a lie, Timmy!"
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174. "Timmy,
I'm living a lie.
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175. Ah, Timmy!"
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176. Sometimes it's like, "please,
Timmy, learn a new word."
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177. "Timmy! Timmy!"
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178. Wow, it looks like
when it comes to comedy,
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179. I really take the c-c...
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180. I really take the ca...
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181. I really take the ca-cake.
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182. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!
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183. Timmy!
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184. Well, this is it.
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185. We've simply gotten
too many complaints
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186. from concerned parents
about him.
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187. I'm afraid
we don't have a choice.
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188. Hiya, fellas!
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189. How are you today, scout?
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190. I'm super.
Thanks for asking.
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191. The troops are off
having bake sales,
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192. and I'm pleased to report
that we have already raised
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193. over $600 for the event.
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194. Yippee!
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195. Uh, Big Gay Al,
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196. It has recently come to our
attention that you are... gay.
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197. Well, stop the presses.
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198. You figure that out
all by yourself, silly buns?
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199. Yes, well,
unfortunately for you,
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200. the scouts have a policy
that openly gay men
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201. cannot belong.
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202. We are left
with no options, Mr. Al.
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203. I'm afraid you are hereby...
out of scouts.
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204. Out of scouts?
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205. We're sorry,
Mr. Gay Al.
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206. But I've been in scouts
since I was nine.
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207. It's a huge part
of my life.
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208. You must understand
that scouts is a private club,
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209. a club that follows
certain beliefs,
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210. and one of those beliefs is
that homosexuality is immoral.
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211. I see.
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212. It's nothing
against you personally.
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213. What if I promise
not to be gay anymore?
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214. Pinkie swear!
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215. We think it's best
you just move on.
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216. Right.
Move on.
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217. Oh, hey, Timmy.
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218. I'm glad you called,
very much.
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219. I've been detecting some
animosity towards me lately,
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220. and I was hoping
we could bury the hatchet.
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221. Timmy.
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222. What's that?
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223. A-libba-la,
Timmy.
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224. A present?
You got me a present?
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225. Timmy!
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226. Gee, you didn't have
to do that.
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227. I mean, I understand why
you'd be jealous of my talents.
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228. If you work at it,
maybe you could be
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229. as handi-capable
as I am, huh?
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230. Wow, a parka.
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231. You didn't
have to do that, Tim-Tim.
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232. Tim, Timmy.
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233. Oh, sure.
I'll see if it fits.
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234. This is very warm.
Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim.
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235. Well, I'll see you around.
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236. Timmy!
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237. There he is.
Kill him! Kill him!
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238. Oh, wait.
That's not him.
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239. Thanks again,
Tim-Tim!
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240. Tim, Timmy!
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241. Bye, scouts.
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242. Okay, okay, Mark.
Stop playing now.
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243. Hey, don't yell at me.
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244. You asked me to come over
and play sad songs
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245. for you to pack to,
and then you yell at me.
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246. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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247. But now I've packed
everything away, so just—
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248. well, play something
uplifting like—
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249. "I'm gonna put
all this behind me
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250. and make it okay" music.
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251. Oh, Jesus, Mark.
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252. Parents, this is the new
scout leader, Mr. Grazier.
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253. He will be taking over
for the homosexual.
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254. Nice to meet you.
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255. Marsh, right? We actually
kind of know each other.
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256. Your wife and mine
are friends.
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257. Your wife, huh?
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258. Carol is is the head
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259. of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.
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260. Well, I guess we're
off to the bar until 9:00, then.
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261. Gonna go pound some brews, huh?
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262. And so I says to him,
"hey, I may be handicapped,
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263. but I'm not deaf."
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264. Wow, what a terrific audience.
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265. Well, for my next joke,
I'm gonna need a volunteer
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266. from the audience,
very much.
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267. How about you, Timmy?
- Timmy.
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268. Sure, come on up here,
Tim-Tim.
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269. Timmy,
Ladies and Gentlemen.
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270. Let's all give him a hand,
very much.
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271. Come to think of it,
give him a pair of legs, too.
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272. Here, Timmy.
Put on this silly hat.
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273. Just for a second, Timmy.
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274. Don't be a jerk, Timmy.
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275. Hey, don't push me!
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276. Timmy!
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277. Cripple fight!
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278. That is enough, scouts!
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279. Take your seats!
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280. Aww!
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281. All right, scouts.
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282. I am your new scout master,
Mr. Grazier.
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283. Together, we are going to become
the best, the sleekest,
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284. the most well-polished
scout troop in all of Colorado.
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285. Isn't that right?
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286. When I ask you a question,
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287. you will answer,
"yes, scout master."
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288. Do I make myself clear?
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289. Yes, scout master.
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290. Good.
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291. Now, the first activity
for this evening will be...
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292. Naked pictures.
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293. I'm going to take some pictures
of each of you naked
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294. in case we need them for later.
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295. Aww.
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296. Oh, what is this?
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297. If there's one thing I hate,
it's a whiny platoon.
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298. "We don't want
to do push-ups!
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299. "We don't want
to get up early!
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300. We don't want to have you
take naked pictures of us!"
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301. Man, this guy sucks.
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302. Now, fall in
and strip down, scouts!
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303. All right, scouts.
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304. We're gonna end this meeting
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305. With a little puppet show.
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306. Here's a little scout.
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307. He's always prepared.
He's always ready.
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308. Now, here's the little scout
telling his parents
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309. that Mr. Grazier
took naked pictures of him.
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310. Look what happens.
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311. Oh, no!
Oh, oh!
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312. Ohh!
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313. Do I make myself clear, scouts?
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314. Yes, scout master!
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315. Oh, hello, parents.
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316. All right, that's all the time
we have for tonight, scouts.
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317. We sure had a great time,
didn't we?
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318. Yes, sir, scout master!
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319. Wow, you sure
whipped those kids into shape.
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320. Yeah, now they're
acting like men.
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321. Well, you know
what I say about kids:
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322. they're all pink on the inside.
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323. You bet.
- I heard that.
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324. See you, Mr. Grazier.
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325. Go away. I'm dead.
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326. Oh, well,
here he is.
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327. Big Gay Al,
what are you doing?
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328. Yeah, get your
big gay ass off the couch
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329. and come be
our scout master again!
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330. I can't, kids.
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331. I've been kicked out of scouts.
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332. Kicked out? Oh, no.
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333. But you have to come back.
We hate our new scout leader.
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334. Really?
Why?
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335. We can't tell you.
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336. Why not?
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337. Oh, no, no!
Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no!
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338. Please, Big Gay Al,
We don't want
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339. to go on a camp trip
with this guy next week.
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340. Boys, there's nothing
I can do.
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341. The scouts
don't allow homosexuals.
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342. Well, then that settles it.
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343. Fellas, what we're
gonna have to do
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344. is try to ch-change
the scouts' rules, very much.
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345. - What do we want?
- Gays in scouts!
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346. When do we want it?
- Timmy!
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347. - What do we want?
- Gays in scouts!
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348. When do we want it?
- Timmy!
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349. Oh, no.
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350. - What do we want?
- Gays in scouts!
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351. When do we want it?
- Timmy!
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352. Alright, this looks like
the perfect place
Copy !req
353. to get some signatures.
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354. Puppies.
Puppies for sale.
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355. Beat it, toots.
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356. We got discrimination work
to do.
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357. Alright,
let's set up.
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358. Hi, we're here
to collect signatures
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359. in support to force the scouts
to accept gays.
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360. Uh, hello?
Gays in scouts?
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361. God damn it.
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362. Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy
Copy !req
363. do some stand-up comedy?
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364. Like at our bake sale,
very much?
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365. That's a great idea.
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366. Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen—
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367. now for your entertainment,
stand-up comic Jimmy!
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368. Wow, what a great audience.
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369. For my first joke,
I'm gonna need a volunteer.
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370. Come on up here, Tim-Tim.
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371. Timmy, when I tell you
to do something, you do it.
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372. Timmy!
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373. Timmy, don't make me
kick your ass.
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374. Timmy!
- Put on your hat!
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375. Timmy!
- P-put it on!
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376. Dude, this looks
like it could get ugly.
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377. Timmy.
Timmy.
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378. Not this year.
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379. Timmy, Timmy.
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380. Cripple fight!
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381. Come on.
Come on!
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382. Timmy.
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383. Cripple fight!
Copy !req
384. Attention, shoppers—
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385. Outside today,
we have cripple fight.
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386. Cripple fight outside.
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387. Jesus Christ, dude.
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388. Oh my God!
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389. Just let 'em
have it out, Susan.
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390. They'll run
out of steam soon.
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391. Hel-lo, Timmy.
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392. Hel-lo, Timmy!
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393. Timmy!
- No!
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394. Timmy?
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395. Timmy...
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396. I told you,
put on the hat!
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397. You dirty motherfucker.
Copy !req
398. What's going on?
Copy !req
399. Some kind
of gay pride rally.
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400. Timmy!
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401. Tom, I'm standing out front
of Henry's Supermarket,
Copy !req
402. where five brave little boys
are holding a rally
Copy !req
403. to support gays in scouting.
Copy !req
404. The rally is drawing
so much attention
Copy !req
405. that people
from all over the country
Copy !req
406. are taking media notice.
Copy !req
407. Those boys
have shown me the light.
Copy !req
408. I never knew the Mountain Scouts
was a hate group.
Copy !req
409. This is a wake-up call
to America.
Copy !req
410. We cannot turn our backs
on gays anymore.
Copy !req
411. Oh, God, they're actually
pulling it off.
Copy !req
412. The rally has also
caught the attention
Copy !req
413. of old scouts members
like Steven Spielberg,
Copy !req
414. director of such films
as Always and 1 94 1.
Copy !req
415. I salute those boys
and their courage.
Copy !req
416. I am hereby cutting
all my funding to the scouts.
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417. The rally
has also caught the attention
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418. of high-power lawyer
Gloria Allred.
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419. It is a disgrace
that these homophobes
Copy !req
420. are allowed
to discriminate!
Copy !req
421. I am taking this case on
personally!
Copy !req
422. With this kind
of support, Tom,
Copy !req
423. these boys are sure
to have a victory for gays.
Copy !req
424. Back to you.
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425. Thanks, Chris.
Copy !req
426. In other news,
the FBI has finally caught
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427. the child molester
known as Mr. Slippy Fist.
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428. The sick child molester
was found
Copy !req
429. with disturbing, graphic photos
of young boys naked,
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430. which we will show you now.
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431. "Here's one.
And here's another.
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432. Eddie?
- Oh, my God.
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433. "Here, look at this one.
Sick son of a bitch.
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434. There's one right here."
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435. Oh, yeah!
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436. Timmy!
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437. All right, boys.
Break it up.
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438. All rise.
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439. In the case of Big Gay Al
vs. Mountain Scouts of America,
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440. due to the overwhelming
show of support,
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441. it is the ruling of this court
that the scouts must allow
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442. Big Gay Al and all gays
into their club.
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443. Alright!
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444. Well, we've all learned
an important lesson,
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445. That just because
somebody's gay
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446. doesn't mean they're gonna
molest children.
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447. Straight people
do that, too.
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448. And furthermore,
the scout elders
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449. will be put into stocks
for three days
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450. so they can see how it feels
to be outcasts.
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451. We did it!
We did it!
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452. I did it! I did it!
Ha-ha!
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453. Today is a great day
for democracy.
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454. The scouts have been exposed
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455. for the vile gay bashers
they are!
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456. And we owe it all to me,
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457. and these six
brave little boys.
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458. Five brave little boys.
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459. And now, here to take
his official oath
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460. back into scouts,
is Big Gay Al.
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461. Thank you all very much.
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462. But I don't want this.
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463. What'd he say?
- Huh?
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464. Look, I appreciate
what you kids did.
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465. I really do.
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466. But this isn't what I wanted.
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467. I'm proud to be gay.
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468. And I'm proud
to be in a country
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469. where I'm free
to express myself.
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470. But freedom
is a two-way street.
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471. If I'm free
to express myself,
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472. then the scouts have to be free
to express themselves, too.
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473. I know these men.
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474. They are good men.
They are kind men.
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475. They do what they think
is best for kids.
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476. No matter how wrong
we think they might be,
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477. it isn't right for us
to force them to think our way.
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478. It's up to us to persuade
and help them see the light,
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479. not extort them to.
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480. Please, don't cut
the scouts' funding.
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481. The scouts help and have always
helped a lot of kids.
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482. That's why I love them.
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483. I will continue to persuade them
to change their minds,
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484. but this is the wrong way
to do it.
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485. So I am hereby
dropping my case
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486. and allowing the scouts
their right
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487. to not allow gays
into their private club.
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488. Uh...
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489. Hooray!
- Hooray!
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490. So wait.
Did we do good?
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491. Yeah, I think so.
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492. Yeah, we kick ass.
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493. Come on, kids.
Let's go get some ice cream.
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494. You can't do this!
You homophobe!
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495. Well, Timmy,
I guess we learned
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496. an important lesson too,
very much.
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497. There is room
for more than one
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498. handi-capable person
in scouts.
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499. Timmy.
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500. I'm glad we're best friends now.
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501. See you at scouts.
- Timmy.
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502. Ahh!
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503. Dude, Timmy, come on.
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504. We're gonna be late
for scouts.
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505. Alright, boys.
I am your new scout leader.
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506. Everything is going to be
just fine.
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507. No naked pictures.
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508. Uh, Timmy?
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509. Yes, Timmy?
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510. Oh, dear.
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511. Jimmy?
- Yes?
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512. You know our policy.
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513. I'm afraid
you're out of scouts.
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514. Out of scouts?
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515. Timmy.
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516. What?
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517. Hey, wait a minute.
This is crazy.
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518. You can't do this.
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519. Wow, I never knew
Jimmy was gay.
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520. Me, neither.
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521. No! No!
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522. Timmy!
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