South Park 4x9

1. Boring.

2. And now Mr. Mackey

3. will read his favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46.

4. "God is our refuge and strength," mkay?

5. "a very present help in trouble," mkay?

6. Hey, you guys, you want to know

7. what my favorite psalm is?

8. "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration

9. "in a woman's separation.

10. "this sort of penetration will increase the population

11. of the younger generation."

12. "God is in the midst of her," mkay?

13. "she shall not be moved," mkay?

14. Wait, wait, wait. "It's a man's obligation

15. to stick his boneration in the woman's—"

16. "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration

17. "in a woman's separation to increase the population

18. of the younger generation."

19. No, no, it's her separation.

20. "it's a man's obligation to stick his boneration

21. in a woman's—" - Boys! You are in church!

22. Oh!

23. "The God of Jacob is our refuge," mkay?

24. Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone.

25. Today we are going to talk about Hell.

26. Hell is not a very nice place.

27. Burning, searing flames,

28. screaming, torture for eternity.

29. Once you are in Hell, you cannot escape.

30. You live forever in horrible pain and burning agony.

31. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over.

32. If you be cast down into this black bog of stench,

33. then woe is thou,

34. for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe.

35. And he will be your ruler! Your ruler of pain and agony!

36. I do.

37. Yeah!

38. Ow!

39. Great luau, Satan.

40. Thanks. See you, Gary.

41. Thanks for coming. Oh, bye, Marcia.

42. Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews.

43. You want to join us?

44. Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't.

45. Chris and I just moved to the west side

46. and we have to unpack.

47. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

48. Great Luau. Bye.

49. Chris? - Yeah?

50. Did you, uh, see my boy-with-an-umbrella hummel?

51. No, but there's still some boxes coming from the movers.

52. Oh, okay. Thanks.

53. Oh, that must be them now.

54. Just put the boxes by the—

55. Hello, Satan.

56. Saddam.

57. Did you miss me, buttercup?

58. No, it can't be. You're dead.

59. I killed you.

60. Yeah, you killed me. So?

61. Where was I gonna go, Detroit?

62. Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

63. A place of everlasting agony and pain,

64. Hell awaits all sinners

65. and all who do not accept Christ.

66. Children in this town

67. have not been attending Sunday school after mass,

68. and adults have not been coming to confession.

69. If this does not change, I promise you:

70. you will all be going

71. to the black pit of Satan's world.

72. That is all. Peace be with you.

73. Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.

74. Yeah.

75. Mom, we're staying for Sunday school.

76. What?

77. We have to go to Sunday school so we don't burn.

78. Yeah. I'll see you later, Mom.

79. Oh, now look at that. They're scared to death.

80. Hell is a very real place, Mr. And Mrs. Marsh.

81. I'm trying to save their souls

82. and the souls of everyone in this town

83. from the wretched lake of fire.

84. Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can talk.

85. I don't want to talk to you, Saddam.

86. This isn't what I need in my life right now.

87. Is that the movers, Satan?

88. Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers.

89. Oh, well, tell them

90. I'm leaving their check on the counter.

91. Okay, Chris. - Say, look.

92. I know our relationship wasn't perfect, okay?

93. I know that.

94. I was too busy trying to take over the world

95. to give you what you needed, but I've changed, Satan.

96. Oh, like I haven't heard that before.

97. Come on!

98. Can't we just go out for a burrito?

99. Me gusta burrito mucho!

100. I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.

101. Who? Screw him!

102. He can't pound your ass like I can.

103. Good-bye, Saddam. - Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

104. But, Satan, you can't deny what's between us.

105. You can try, but you know we belong together.

106. My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats me well.

107. You and I are through. Good-bye.

108. Aw, come on, guy! Give me a break!

109. Hello, children.

110. I'm Sister Anne, and I'll be teaching you

111. so that you can all receive your first communion.

112. Are we gonna go to Hell? - Well, hopefully not.

113. That's why you're gonna need to receive communion.

114. And as long as we get this communion thing, we're safe?

115. What if we haven't really done anything

116. that horribly bad in our lives?

117. Yeah, what if we hadn't?

118. It doesn't matter,

119. because we are all born with original sin.

120. Now let me explain how communion works.

121. The priest will give you this round cracker,

122. and he will say, "the body of Christ,"

123. and then you eat it.

124. Jesus was made of crackers? - No.

125. But crackers are his body. - Yes.

126. What?

127. In the Book of Mark,

128. Jesus distributed bread and said,

129. "eat this, for it is my body."

130. So we won't go to Hell as long as we eat crackers.

131. No, no, no, no.

132. Well, what are we eating, then?

133. The body of Christ.

134. No, no, no. I get it.

135. Jesus wanted us to eat him

136. but he didn't want us to be cannibals,

137. so he turned himself into crackers

138. and then told people to eat him.

139. No! - No?

140. I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.

141. Look, all you have to know

142. is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it.

143. - Okay? - Okay.

144. And then you will drink a very small amount of wine,

145. for that is the blood of Christ.

146. Oh, come on, now. This is just getting silly.

147. Eric, do you want to go to Hell?

148. No. - Then stop questioning me.

149. But now we can have communion and not go to Hell, right?

150. No, because before you can take your first communion,

151. you have to have your first confession.

152. Confession?

153. You'll be getting in the confession box

154. with a priest and confessing all your sins

155. so that God can forgive you.

156. You kids will all have to go

157. to your first confession this Tuesday,

158. so I want you all to go home tonight

159. and think long and hard about all your sins

160. so that you can tell the priest everything.

161. Oh, shit.

162. Those were some great pork chops, Satan.

163. Yeah.

164. Hey, you, you've been acting strange all night.

165. What's up? - Nothing. Why?

166. Well, it's just that you've washed that same dish

167. seven times now, silly.

168. Oh, sorry.

169. Come on, Satan, you know you can tell me anything.

170. What's up?

171. Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.

172. Oh, wow.

173. Wasn't ready for that.

174. He showed up spouting all kinds of things

175. about how he's changed and he still loves me.

176. I thought you killed him.

177. Yeah, well, where was he gonna go, Detroit?

178. Do you still love him? - No, Chris.

179. It's okay if you do.

180. Well, I mean...

181. of course there's a part of me that will always love him.

182. But I also know how abusive he was.

183. I'm much happier with you.

184. Well, you know what I think we should do?

185. I think we should all get together

186. and just talk like adults.

187. What?

188. We're all grown men here, Satan.

189. I want to just go meet this guy.

190. No, Chris, you don't understand.

191. Saddam is fucking crazy.

192. I know he's got the whole "bad boy" thing going,

193. and I think that's what you were attracted to.

194. But I can be a pretty rough tumbler myself.

195. Oops!

196. Aw, butternuts!

197. Okay, let's see. Uh, oh, yeah.

198. There was the time we threw a fish

199. into the bus driver's hair

200. and she didn't find it for seven days...

201. Oh, yeah. Okay.

202. And then there was the time

203. we held that little first grader down

204. and farted on him for 28 minutes.

205. Right. I already got that one.

206. Hey, dudes. What are you doing?

207. We're trying to remember all our sins.

208. Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins,

209. or else we're gonna go to Hell.

210. What?

211. Have you confessed all your sins yet?

212. No! - Dude, he's Jewish.

213. He doesn't have to confess his sins.

214. Oh, good. I don't?

215. Yeah, you're already going to Hell.

216. I am not! - You are too!

217. Dude, this lady told us if you don't confess all your sins

218. and you don't eat crackers and drink wine,

219. then you go to Hell, period.

220. I'm gonna go ask my mom.

221. Now, let's see.

222. What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?

223. Oh, right. That was mostly Kenny's fault.

224. What? - You guys! You guys!

225. We just thought of something!

226. What, Butters?

227. Well, what about the handicapped kid, Timmy?

228. Timmy! - What did we do to Timmy?

229. No, I mean poor Timmy's gonna go to Hell.

230. He can't confess his sins,

231. 'cause all he can say is his name.

232. Timmy! - Oh, yeah. You're right.

233. I guess Timmy's pretty screwed. - Oh, man.

234. We can't let Timmy go to Hell. We have to do something!

235. What are we gonna do?

236. I don't know.

237. I don't know what we're gonna do.

238. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

239. I can't deny my feelings for Saddam,

240. but my life is so much better now with Chris.

241. Yeah, it's like Chris is so perfect in every way,

242. but there's just something about Saddam

243. that I'm much more attracted to.

244. In what way?

245. Yeah, you're right.

246. Saddam would just treat me bad again.

247. I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam, put him out of my mind,

248. and focus on Chris.

249. If I don't see Saddam,

250. then I won't have such strong feelings for him.

251. Thanks, guys.

252. There you are. - Oh, hi, Chris.

253. I've been looking all over for you.

254. I have to tell you something

255. that might make you a little mad.

256. What?

257. Well, I called Saddam Hussein

258. and invited him over for dinner tonight.

259. You what?

260. I just think we all need to get this out in the open.

261. Oh, Chris! Rarr!

262. Rah!

263. Come on, Satan, we're all adults here.

264. He was an important person in your life,

265. for better or for worse, so I want to know him.

266. If he sees that I'm a real person too,

267. then, well, maybe he'll see how happy we are together.

268. No, Chris, he'll try to kill you is what he'll do.

269. Satan, we're not in junior high school anymore.

270. Oh, dear God.

271. Hail, Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

272. Blessed art thou amongst—" How was it?

273. Oh, dude, you screwed me up! - Huh?

274. The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys.

275. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.

276. Who's in there? - I don't know.

277. You can't see him. It's just some anonymous guy.

278. Well, here goes everything.

279. Uh, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

280. Blessed art thou, child.

281. Now, what do you have to confess?

282. Well, let's see.

283. I'd like to start, if I may, back when I was 21/2.

284. It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass

285. was frozen like tiny beads of glass.

286. Hail, Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

287. Bless— Hey, dude.

288. God damn it! - What?

289. Ooh! There's Sister Anne. We got to ask her about Timmy.

290. Sister Anne... - Oh, Hello, children.

291. We have a question. - Okay, shoot.

292. Where do handicapped people go when they die?

293. The handicapped are just people like you and me,

294. so the same rules apply:

295. they need to be baptized, take communion,

296. and confess their sins.

297. But our friend Timmy can't really talk.

298. All he can do is say his own name,

299. so he can't really confess his sins.

300. So is he going to go to Hell?

301. Uh, this really isn't a question for me.

302. It's for the priest.

303. I'll see if I can find him. Bye.

304. And that was about everything from first grade.

305. Then last year, well—

306. you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?

307. Your confession

308. does not leave this box.

309. Okay, because last year, I took a sandwich

310. that the priest of this church had been eating.

311. Oh.

312. Well, I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew.

313. No, but I'm not finished yet.

314. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating,

315. took the piece of ham out of it,

316. put it between my butt cheeks,

317. and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.

318. I see.

319. Yeah, and then this other time,

320. I went pee-pee in the holy water thing,

321. and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it

322. every day for about a week.

323. And then this one time, I was at the park

324. and the priest was out walking his dog,

325. and I went number two on the sidewalk

326. and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog,

327. and so the priest got fined, like, $100

328. for not cleaning it up.

329. And then this one time,

330. I put super glue all over the priest's Bible—

331. Ow! Oh, Jesus!

332. Oh! No! Ow!

333. Father, I need to talk to you.

334. Father? I have to ask you a question.

335. Okay, okay. Fine.

336. Ooh! Oh-ho!

337. Dude, what happened? I felt it, you guys.

338. I felt the angry hand of God.

339. He is an angry God, you guys.

340. We all have to start taking this very seriously.

341. Oh, Hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.

342. And you must be Mr. Assface.

343. Just kidding. You're Chris, right?

344. Thanks for inviting me to dinner, guy.

345. Here, I brought you a potato.

346. Oh, thank you.

347. Chris! No! It's a bomb!

348. Satan! What the heck is wrong with you?

349. Yeah. Hey, relax, guy.

350. We're all here to act like adults, right?

351. Oh, gee, I must have overcooked it.

352. Well, come on in. Dinner's just about ready.

353. Very good, Ike.

354. That's two John Steinbeck books in one day.

355. Cookie monster! - Oh, he's growing up so fast.

356. Mom, dad, am I going to Hell?

357. Why? What did you do, Kyle?

358. Nothing, but the guys said if I don't confess my sins

359. and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to Hell!

360. Oh, no. That's just Catholics.

361. Us Jews don't believe in Hell.

362. We don't? But what if we're wrong?

363. Well, Kyle, they could be wrong too.

364. Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal.

365. If we're wrong, we burn in Hell. - Oh, no!

366. Kyle, it's all about being a good person now.

367. You see, Christians use Hell as a way to scare people

368. into believing what they believe.

369. But to believe in something

370. just because you're afraid of the consequences

371. if you don't believe in something

372. is no reason to believe in something.

373. Understand? - No.

374. Well, you guys can do what you want.

375. I'm going down to that church

376. to confess my sins and eat crackers.

377. And I'm taking Ike with me.

378. Kyle!

379. So, Saddam, Satan told me

380. all about how you guys almost took over the world once.

381. Yeah, those were the days, boy!

382. What the Hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?

383. It's all vegetarian, Saddam.

384. Chris was a nutritionist before he died.

385. Ah, isn't that fascinating?

386. So, tell me, Chris, how is it that you died?

387. Oh, well, I actually slipped on an escalator in a mall.

388. Those things can be pretty sketchy.

389. An escalator?

390. What kind of pussy way of dying is that?

391. Look, Saddam, I know that you and Satan had a relationship,

392. and I just want you to know

393. that I'm totally okay with you guys staying friends.

394. Uh-huh.

395. I think it's important to stay friends

396. with people you had relationships with.

397. And I know that Satan and my relationship

398. is strong enough that it can handle anything.

399. Right?

400. Right.

401. Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend.

402. I want to explain to them that he's fine.

403. Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?

404. I don't think so. - Then Hell awaits him.

405. Father, these boys are really worried

406. because they think they have to—

407. They should be worried!

408. Boys, it is your Christian duty

409. to save the souls of your friends.

410. Yes, but—

411. Mr. Father, we have to ask you something.

412. Oh, you're the little Jewish boy, right?

413. Yeah.

414. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to Hell?

415. Well, young man, you can rest assured

416. that according to Matthew 25,

417. when you die, you will stand before God, and he will say,

418. "depart from me, ye cursed, into the eternal fire

419. prepared for the devil and his angels."

420. Yes, as a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire.

421. Oh, no! - Father—

422. I hope to see all of you in church this Sunday.

423. We will be.

424. Father, I don't know if I agree fully

425. with what you're saying.

426. I think that as long as Jewish people are good,

427. they will get into heaven.

428. Sister, the Jews crucified our savior.

429. I mean, if you don't go to Hell for crucifying the savior,

430. then what the Hell do you go to Hell for?

431. Stan, you've got to help us become good Christians!

432. Please!

433. Alright, alright, alright.

434. the first thing we have to do

435. is get you guys all baptized.

436. Come on.

437. Okay, you better baptize Kyle some more.

438. Hallelujah! Wash away the sin!

439. Hah!

440. Turn around so I can clean out your ass.

441. Cartman! - What?

442. Dude, you just said "ass." That's a sin.

443. Oh, now you've said it too!

444. Oh, shit! Oh! - What?

445. Oh, dude, we got to go back to church

446. and confess again.

447. But what about them? - Uh—oh, I know.

448. We can use wacky water weasel.

449. Ah! - Okay, come on.

450. Alright, come on!

451. Whew! Well, I don't know about you guys,

452. but all that ginger made me tired.

453. Yeah, I guess I should be getting back.

454. Good. I'll show you out.

455. Nice to meet you, Saddam.

456. Have a safe walk back. - Yeah.

457. Thanks for the wheatgrass and twigs and stuff.

458. Satan, that guy is a pussy!

459. He's stable, Saddam.

460. Yeah, that's what I said. He's a pussy.

461. Having stability in your life is a great thing.

462. You should try it.

463. For some people, maybe, but you like excitement.

464. I know you, Satan.

465. I'm very happy with my life now.

466. Here.

467. I'm at the Bargain Hotel on Monte Vista, room 16.

468. No, Saddam. I won't be needing this.

469. Oh, I know you won't, but just keep it just in case.

470. It was good seeing you again, Satan.

471. Good night.

472. Good night, pussy! I mean Chris.

473. Good night.

474. Hello, your excellency?

475. This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus,

476. calling from the United States.

477. Yes, I understand you wish to speak with the Pope.

478. Yes.

479. The priest here has been telling the children

480. some pretty radical things,

481. and I just wanted to see what the church thinks about Jews

482. and the mentally handicapped.

483. Yes, well, the Pope is here, but please keep it brief.

484. He is very old.

485. Huh? - Hello, his holiness.

486. I want to ask you about people with mental disabilities.

487. Huh?

488. Do mentally challenged people go to Hell?

489. Uh, what's that you say? Huh?

490. Handicap. Mental handicap.

491. Be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

492. The priest here said

493. that people with mental handicaps might end up in Hell.

494. Is that true?

495. uh, be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be.

496. Come on. This stupid light won't change.

497. Come on, hurry up. Hey, what are you guys doing?

498. We're going to church.

499. We sinned and so we have to confess again.

500. Us too.

501. We saw a picture of a naked lady.

502. We could see her whole beaver.

503. Yeah, if we died right now,

504. we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in Hell.

505. Well, come on. Let's go.

506. Oh!

507. Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

508. He had sins that he didn't confess.

509. And he never took communion. He's doomed.

510. We got to get to that church before we die.

511. Yeah.

512. Careful.

513. Yeah. That's hot.

514. You take it. You take it now!

515. Chris, what are you doing? I'm just—

516. I'm just trying to be a little more naughty in bed.

517. I know that's what you liked about sex with Saddam.

518. I'm just showing you that I can be that way too.

519. Oh, boy. Uh-huh.

520. Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?

521. I'm a bad boy.

522. Yeah. Take that.

523. Chris, just don't— don't do that.

524. But it turns you on.

525. No, it just— when Saddam did it, yeah, but—

526. but what? Nothing.

527. I just—I'm just really tired is all.

528. Can we just please go to sleep?

529. Chris, seriously, I'm just tired, okay?

530. Okay. I love you, Satan.

531. - I love you too, Saddam. - Oh!

532. Wha—oh, I'm sorry. I mean Chris.

533. It's okay. It's okay.

534. I understand. I do.

535. I just need to go get some air, okay.

536. I'll be back really quick.

537. Yeah, sure. Okay.

538. Come on, hurry up!

539. Oh, no! It's locked!

540. What? No!

541. It can't be locked! We have to confess!

542. We have to confess our sins before we die!

543. Hey, there's a window in the back that's usually open.

544. The confession box is over there.

545. I'm first! I'm first!

546. Oh!

547. What the—

548. Oh! Son of a bitch!

549. Uh, kids, uh— - You're a sinner!

550. You're doing unnatural things in the house of God!

551. Oh, uh, uh—

552. Oh, forgive me, Heavenly Father. I have sinned against you!

553. Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!

554. Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from Hell.

555. Dude, if this guy's going to Hell, who's gonna save us?

556. Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle,

557. and everyone else in this town

558. from the angry hand of God ourselves!

559. Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!

560. No. I can't.

561. What am I doing?

562. I know this is the wrong thing to do.

563. I could lose Chris.

564. I can't do this. I can't do this.

565. We have ah-repeatedly broken God's Commandments.

566. We have lived our lives for ourselves-ah,

567. totally ignoring the laws-ah.

568. If thy hand offend thee, cut it off.

569. It is much better for thee to enter—

570. Oh, what the Hell are they doing now?

571. Oh, no.

572. Into fire that will never be quenched-ah.

573. Pamphlet? Pamphlet?

574. There is only one answer.

575. As kids, we must abandon this town of sin and start anew.

576. I don't want to go to Hell.

577. It will be a long road,

578. but at the end of that road is salvation,

579. and I am going to lead you there.