1. Tonight Stellar Productions
presents
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2. the boy band
of the decade
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3. it's Fingerbang live
from Madison Square Gardens!
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4. Cartman, I want you!
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5. Yes, yes, yes,
I'm a star.
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6. I'm a star!
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7. I'm—
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8. Oh, I'm nobody,
goddamn it!
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9. Wait a minute,
maybe that was a sign from God.
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10. That's it, isn't it.
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11. You want me
to start a boy band,
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12. so I can make
$10 million, don't you?
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13. That's it!
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14. Gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
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15. This is the beginning
of a great time in our lives.
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16. God has finally
spoken to me, guys,
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17. and he has told me
how I can make $10 million.
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18. How?
- Boy band.
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19. Boy band?
- Boy band.
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20. I'm not being
in a faggy boy band.
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21. There's nothing faggy about
$10 million, asshole!
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22. This was a message from God!
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23. Dude, we don't have
any musical talent.
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24. That didn't stop any of
the other boy bands, dumb-ass!
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25. I've got prerecorded music we
can sing to, just like they do.
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26. All we need to do
is practice our choreography
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27. over and over and over.
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28. Shut up, Kenny.
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29. And then I know I can get us
a gig at the South Park Mall.
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30. So everybody
get in a straight line,
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31. we're going to listen to
the song from the top and—
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32. Wait a minute,
there's only four of us.
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33. So?
- So all boy bands
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34. have five members.
- What?
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35. N'sync, Backstreet Boys,
New Kids on the Block,
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36. all had five members.
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37. He's right.
- Damn it!
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38. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
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39. We'll put off songs for now
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40. and hold auditions
for a fifth member.
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41. Get the word out that auditions
will be tomorrow morning.
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42. Did you have fun
at Eric's house today, Stanley?
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43. I guess.
- What did you do?
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44. Well, Cartman wants
to start a boy band,
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45. so we're going to rehearse
and then try to perform
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46. at the South Park Mall.
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47. Oh, that sounds nice.
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48. No, it does not sound nice.
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49. Stanley, you are going to have
no part of that boy band.
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50. Well, but, Dad,
all my friends are doing it.
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51. If all your friends
jumped off a cliff,
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52. would you do that too?
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53. Cartman says we can
make $10 million.
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54. You are not going to be
in a boy band, Stanley,
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55. and that is final!
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56. Geez, what's up Dad's ass?
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57. Down came the white angel
and she said,
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58. Ah, thank you, Butters.
We'll let you know.
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59. I can do it again.
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60. We'll let you know, Butters.
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61. Well, alright then.
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62. Pff, oh my God,
his intonation was so off!
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63. It was?
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64. Dude, I don't think I can sing
any better than that.
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65. Guys, if we're going to
impress the mall owner
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66. and get that gig, we better
do it better than that.
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67. Next!
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68. Ah, next is Ike Brovlofsky.
Kyle's brother?
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69. I promised my mom
I'd let him try.
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70. Christ sake.
What key?
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71. "G".
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72. Next!
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73. Next audition!
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74. Goddamn it, next!
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75. Not the next song,
the next person!
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76. Oh, man, this is gonna be
a long-ass day.
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77. Oh, no!
No, no, no, no!
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78. Sorry, Wendy, this is
try-outs for a boy band.
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79. Oh, come on, dude.
Let her try.
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80. No way!
- Come on, Cartman.
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81. You haven't
liked anybody else.
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82. Okay, okay, fine.
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83. Wow me!
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84. Thanks, Wendy, don't call us.
We won't call you either.
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85. Dude, what are you
talking about?
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86. That was awesome!
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87. Dude, she's a chick!
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88. Come on,
nobody's going to notice.
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89. Nobody's gonna notice?
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90. What about her huge
freakin' hooters, huh?
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91. She's the best chance we have.
I say she's in.
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92. Me too.
- Me too.
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93. Oh, this is a democratic
boy band, is it?
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94. Alright, fine.
She's in until she screws up.
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95. Yeah!
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96. Okay, you guys all ready
to rehearse?
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97. Cartman,
it's 6:00 in the morning.
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98. Do we have to rehearse
this early?
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99. We have to rehearse
all that we can.
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100. Now, check this out.
My mom made us costumes.
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101. Costumes?
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102. Yeah, this one's yours, Stan.
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103. This one is Kyle's.
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104. This one will cover-up
Wendy's hooters.
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105. Hey Cartman, how come
your costume has, like,
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106. nose-rings and facial hair?
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107. 'Cause I'm, like,
you know, the tough one.
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108. Every boy band has to have
the one member that's,
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109. you know, is tough.
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110. I want to be
the tough one.
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111. Kyle, you are the sweet one.
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112. Will you please
just cooperate and not—
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113. I wanna be
the tough one.
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114. You can't be the tough one
because you're Jewish!
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115. Jews are tough!
- Since when?
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116. Since Abraham, fatass!
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117. Alright, fine, here.
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118. Jesus Christ,
I wonder if every boy band
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119. had to go through this.
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120. Hey Cartman, what does
fingerbang mean anyways?
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121. I heard it on HBO.
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122. It means like, you know, when
you pretend to use your finger
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123. like a gun or something.
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124. Kenny says,
"that's not what it means."
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125. Okay, Kenny,
what does fingerbang mean then?
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126. What?
Who the hell would do that!
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127. Jesus Christ, grow up, Kenny,
would you?
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128. Alright, boys,
let's do it from the top.
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129. One, two, three, four.
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130. Now, I know that this is
your first day on the job
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131. of mall security, rookie.
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132. Keeping the law in the mall
is just like any tough city,
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133. and especially because
they don't let us have guns,
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134. it can be very dangerous.
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135. Alright, guys,
just do it like we rehearsed.
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136. We need energy.
We need to be up.
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137. Excuse me, just where
do you think you're going?
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138. We're going to see
the mall manager.
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139. Do you have
the proper clearance?
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140. Uh-oh, mall cops.
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141. You have to make
an appointment first.
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142. Now move along, sir.
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143. But we practiced for days!
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144. All we want to do
is show the guy what we can do,
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145. so that maybe we'll have
a chance to perform
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146. in the plaza of the—
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147. ah, ah, ah!
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148. Ah, oh,
Goddamn it!
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149. Jesus Christ, dude!
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150. Oh, God,
I can't see!
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151. Move along, sir,
or I'll do it again.
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152. You see, you put your life
on the line every day.
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153. Well, I guess we can't get in
to see the mall manager.
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154. The hell we can't!
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155. I'm not letting
no washed-up mall cops
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156. ruin my divine quest.
Come on!
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157. Hey!
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158. What are you doing?
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159. Nothing, just shopping.
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160. Move along, sir.
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161. You see, sometimes
you gotta just do that.
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162. Keep shoppers on their toes.
Try it.
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163. Hey!
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164. What are you doin'?
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165. Nothing, why?
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166. Move along, ma'am.
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167. That's what being
a mall cop is all about, yeah.
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168. Cool.
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169. Attention, mall shoppers,
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170. the next 20 people
to buy an orange smoothie
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171. will also receive
a complimentary Nissan Sentra.
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172. Hurry up.
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173. Jesus, they're gonna start
a riot!
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174. Alright, guys,
here we go.
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175. Hello, sir!
- What?
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176. Hey, who are you?
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177. We are Fingerbang.
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178. Oh, what?
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179. How'd you get in here?
Hey!
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180. We would like
to audition for you
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181. for a gig in the central plaza
of your fine mall.
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182. What?
Oh.
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183. You want to play at the mall?
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184. Like Tiffany?
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185. Sort of like Tiffany, yes.
Can we audition?
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186. Oh, well, I guess.
What?
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187. Alright,
let's do it boys!
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188. Okay, that's enough!
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189. Thank you!
So can we play here?
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190. What?
No.
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191. No?
- Who?
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192. No.
- Why not?
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193. Well, uh, uh, oh...
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194. Right now there's a cheese
and sausage cart in the plaza,
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195. and I would—I'd hate
to have to move it
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196. off to the side for a while.
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197. What?
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198. You don't think
we're any good, do you?
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199. No, I mean,
just not quite as good
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200. as sausage and cheese.
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201. Well, come on, guys.
We gave it our best.
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202. Wow, that was your best?
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203. Wow, I feel so rejected.
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204. Yeah.
There you are!
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205. You're the hoodlums
who got on the intercom
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206. and started
an orange smoothie riot!
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207. Uh-oh.
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208. I will now read you
your mall rights.
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209. You have the right to shop
at a variety of malls—
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210. Run for it!
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211. Go get 'em, rookie!
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212. Where is Stan?
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213. Oh, he's over at Eric's house
practicing for his boy band.
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214. What, I specifically
told him not to do that!
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215. Now, Randy, calm down.
It's just a silly little dream.
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216. They're not gonna
actually make it.
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217. And what if
they do make it, Sharon?
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218. What if they do make it?
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219. Are you going to be
the one to tell him?
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220. Mom, what's up Dad's ass?
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221. It's a long story, Shelly.
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222. Let's just say your father...
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223. Has a lot up his ass
right now.
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224. Oh, oh, hello, Eric.
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225. Problem, Chef.
I have many problems.
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226. Well, if you, uh, come back
in just a little bit, Eric,
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227. I'll see if I can
help you out.
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228. Just don't know
what I'm going to do.
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229. Sometimes I just wonder if God
is just toying with me.
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230. Alright, Eric,
what's the matter?
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231. Chef, God told me
I was to start a boy band
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232. and make $10 million.
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233. The problem is
it isn't working.
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234. I mean, I feel the music
burning inside me,
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235. but I just can't
express it right, you know?
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236. Well, Eric,
I think you're just
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237. focusing in
on the wrong thing.
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238. Boy bands
aren't about music.
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239. Boy bands are created
by corporations to make money,
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240. they're all based on
the Garmlich effect.
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241. What's
the Garmlich effect?
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242. The law of physics
that states
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243. if one girl screams
for something,
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244. it will make
other girls scream
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245. and then it grows
exponentiously
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246. until all girls within a
five-mile radius are screaming.
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247. So how do
boy bands use that?
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248. All they do is make videos
showing tons and tons
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249. of girls screaming
for the boy bands.
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250. Once you get girls screaming,
you can't stop 'em.
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251. They're crazy.
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252. Except for Lillith,
of course.
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253. Thanks.
- You're welcome.
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254. Now go away.
- Okay!
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255. And a cucumber in the pants
never hurt either.
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256. Cucumber in the pants.
Got it!
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257. Alright everybody, listen up.
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258. This is how this first shot
is gonna work.
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259. The girls are standing here,
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260. and then the members of the band
walk by looking cool.
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261. When you see us,
you girls all scream like,
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262. "Oh, my God, it's Fingerbang!
Oh, my God!"
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263. Okay?
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264. Are we going to get paid
now or after?
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265. I'll pay you afterwards,
promise.
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266. Okay, Timmy, roll camera!
- Timmy!
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267. Dude, what's wrong
with your leg?
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268. Huh, oh Chef said to put
a cucumber down my pants
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269. for good luck.
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270. Ya!
Whoo-whoo!
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271. Wait, wait, wait, wait, cut!
- Ha-ha!
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272. You have to go crazier
than that.
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273. I mean, you have to act
like it's freakin'
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274. Leonardo DiCaprio.
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275. We wouldn't give a rat's ass
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276. if Leonardo DiCaprio
came walking passed us.
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277. Yeah!
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278. Fine, who would you
go crazy for?
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279. Matt Lauer.
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280. Okay, fine.
Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.
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281. Oh, okay!
- Okay, roll camera.
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282. Timmy!
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283. Jesus Christ!
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284. And cut!
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285. Alright, our video's complete.
- Timmy!
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286. With the grace of God,
I can now go back
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287. to that mall manager
and show him what we've got!
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288. Okay, so where's our money?
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289. Oh, uh, Kyle has it.
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290. Stanley, what the hell
are you doing?
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291. We are making a music video.
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292. You get in the truck
right now!
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293. Dad I was just—
- Get in the truck!
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294. Dad, I did all my chores.
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295. Why can't I play
with my friends?
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296. Stanley, it's just that
there's better things
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297. you can be doing on a Saturday
than singing and dancing.
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298. You could be watching TV
or laying in bed.
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299. Dad, I like being
in a boy band.
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300. I think it's interesting.
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301. Well, there's plenty of other
interesting things you can do.
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302. Have you ever tried marijuana?
- No!
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303. Well, maybe it's time.
- Dad!
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304. Hey!
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305. What are you doing?
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306. I've got a new strain
of anthrax
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307. that I will see unleash
upon all of North America.
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308. Move along, sir.
- Huh?
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309. Attention, shoppers,
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310. there are naked people
at the orange smoothie machine.
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311. There are naked people
at the orange—
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312. Goddamn it!
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313. Hello again.
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314. What?
Oh, it's you.
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315. I don't like you.
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316. I know you didn't
love our audition,
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317. but now we have a video.
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318. Oh.
What?
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319. If you would, sir,
just watch this
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320. and prepare to be wowed.
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321. Timmy!
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322. Oh, Goddamn it.
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323. Our camera guy kinda sucks,
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324. but this next shot we did
was really cool.
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325. Ah!
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326. Timmy!
Livin' a lie!
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327. Son of a bitch!
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328. Hey, this video's dumb.
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329. You don't understand.
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330. Girls were going
crazy for us, please!
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331. This is what God
wants me to do, please!
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332. Alright, alright.
- What?
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333. Well, I guess I can move
the sausage and cheese cart
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334. off to one side
for a little while.
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335. Really, you will?
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336. Only for 20 minutes, though.
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337. That's all we need.
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338. How about this afternoon
at 3:00?
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339. Oh, okay.
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340. Yes, thank you, sir.
You will not be disappointed.
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341. Oh, Mrs. Cartman,
I've been very bad, okay.
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342. You have been bad,
Mr. Mackey,
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343. so you're going to
have to drink from this glass.
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344. Oh, yeah,
that makes me hot.
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345. Oh, Mom!
- Wow! What?
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346. It's not fair, dad.
Why can't I be in a boy band?
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347. Because I said so!
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348. Dad, Cartman said we're going
to perform in the mall at 3:00.
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349. My friends are going to be
pissed off at me.
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350. Let 'em be pissed off then.
I don't understand.
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351. Just let me let me go do
this one thing and I won't—
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352. No!
No!
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353. Dad, what the hell
is going on?
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354. I was...
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355. I was 18 when
my high school men's choir
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356. performed
at the grand opening
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357. of a sporting goods store
in Denver.
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358. I was just one of 15 members
and I had no idea
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359. that a record producer
was in the audience.
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360. Kid, can I talk to you?
- Sure.
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361. You were really great
up there.
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362. Too good for a pissant choir
in a pissant mountain town.
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363. Oh, thanks.
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364. Listen, I'm putting together
a rock group,
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365. a vocal group called
the Ghetto Avenue Boys.
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366. I think you would make
a perfect member.
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367. What, me?
You like my singing that much?
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368. Yeah, I think
your mustache is perfect.
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369. How would you like
to come to New York
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370. and start
a singing career?
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371. Oh my God,
I don't know.
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372. I mean, I still have another
year of high school and I—
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373. hey, look, if you don't
want it, I'll keep looking.
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374. No, wait.
I mean... I'll think about it.
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375. I take it that means yes.
Call me in the morning.
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376. And just like that,
I left everything.
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377. I dropped out of high school.
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378. See ya!
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379. I said good-bye
to my girlfriend.
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380. See ya!
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381. And I left my family.
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382. See ya!
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383. And suddenly there I was,
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384. thrown into a group
with four other young men
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385. who I didn't even know.
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386. Take 112.
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387. The songs were terrible,
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388. but believe it or not
the country ate them up.
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389. The next thing I knew,
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390. we were the biggest thing
in the world.
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391. I had everything,
a huge house
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392. and all the women
you can imagine.
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393. And then one day,
just as quick as it started...
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394. Alright, guys,
let's take it from the top.
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395. Hey, Mr. Allens.
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396. Hey, oh...
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397. Uh, Randy.
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398. Who are they?
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399. These are
the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys.
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400. My new boy band.
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401. But, we're still
selling records right?
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402. Look, kid, you're just
getting a little old
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403. to be in a boy band.
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404. I'm 19.
- Get a life, Marsh!
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405. Alright, guys,
let's take it from the top.
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406. They said that after
all the money we had made
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407. we were in debt
to the studio.
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408. So they towed my car.
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409. See ya!
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410. The women all left.
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411. See ya!
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412. And they took back my house.
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413. See ya!
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414. The only thing I could do
was come back to Colorado
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415. and face everyone
that I had abandoned.
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416. Hey, weren't you the guy
in that stupid boy band,
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417. the Ghetto Avenue Boys?
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418. Sure, I remember you.
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419. And so, you see, Stanley,
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420. I do know
what I'm talking about.
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421. Jesus Christ.
I never knew.
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422. I didn't want you to know,
because now I'm a joke.
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423. Ever since then,
I have wished every single day
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424. that I could go back
to that moment
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425. when I was offered the job
and say, "no."
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426. Because all the fame,
the money, the women,
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427. all it did
was build me up,
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428. so that I could be
knocked down
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429. harder than anybody
in the world.
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430. That's what being in a boy band
is all about, Stanley.
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431. It's people smothering you
and embracing you and loving you
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432. and then spitting you out
and throwing you away
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433. like you were
last night's pork chops.
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434. Now, we wander the Earth
in disarray,
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435. us, New Kids on the block,
the Osmonds,
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436. we're all the same.
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437. And that is why
you can't go to the mall.
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438. Okay.
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439. Wow, there must be at least
20 people out there.
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440. Where the hell is Stan?
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441. He'll be here.
Stan wouldn't douche.
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442. I swear to God,
if he ruins this dream of mine,
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443. I will have his nuts!
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444. Hey, uh, are you gonna
do that thing or what?
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445. Yes, yes, sir.
Any second.
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446. We're just waiting
on one more member.
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447. Well, hurry up, I can't keep
the sausage and cheese cart
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448. off this spot much longer.
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449. Yeah, we'll start
right away.
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450. We'll have to do it
without him.
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451. Hell no, I'm not being part
of a four member boy band!
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452. We'll look stupid.
- Yeah!
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453. Oh, Goddamn it!
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454. Dad?
- Huh, yeah?
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455. Well, I just wanted
to tell you
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456. that I don't think
you're a joke.
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457. I mean,
whatever you used to be,
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458. you're just my dad
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459. and you're the best dad
I've ever had.
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460. Come here, Stanley.
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461. Stan, it was wrong of me
to try and stop you
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462. from joining a boy band
without explaining why.
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463. I made some mistakes
in my life,
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464. and now I have to let
you make your own mistakes.
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465. Yeah.
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466. You know, in a way,
I think I was even jealous
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467. of you being in a boy band.
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468. Isn't that stupid?
- Not really.
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469. Not any more stupid than some
of the other stuff you've done.
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470. Well, come on.
I'll drive you down to the mall.
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471. Really?
- Yeah.
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472. I want to see
what you guys can do.
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473. And then we'll go buy you
a small toy,
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474. so you can
forget all about this.
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475. Alright!
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476. What's happening here?
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477. I don't know.
I guess nothing.
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478. Hmm, well,
let's walk away then.
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479. Goddamn it!
People are walking away!
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480. Alright, kids,
that does it.
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481. You're gonna have to
move and make way
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482. for the sausage and cheese cart.
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483. Just another minute.
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484. Sorry, get out.
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485. Well, God, I guess you
got me again didn't you.
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486. Yeah, that was
a good one, God.
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487. Hope it made you laugh,
you sick bastard.
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488. What's that?
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489. It's Stan!
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490. Oh, thank you, God!
Oh, praise his name!
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491. Dude, where the hell
have you been?
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492. Sir, we're all here now.
Can we go on, please?
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493. Who?
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494. Well, okay, I guess,
but hurry up.
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495. We will.
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496. Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about to witness
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497. the next great boy band
of the country.
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498. Some day you will all
be among those who can say,
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499. "I saw Fingerbang
when they first performed
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500. at some crappy little mall."
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501. And so without further ado
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502. all five members of the—
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503. oh, my God,
they killed Kenny!
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504. You bastards!
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505. No, he can't be dead.
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506. Dude, he's pretty dead.
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507. No, we were so close!
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508. Alright, that's it, kids.
Get out!
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509. But, we have to perform.
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510. We don't have
a fifth member, Cartman.
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511. Oh, yes, we do.
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512. Thank you
all for your patience
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513. and get ready for Fingerbang!
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514. Cha!
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515. Yes, yes!
Thank you, yes!
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516. We made $2.
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517. You were great, Dad.
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518. Yeah, I guess I still
got it in me a little.
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519. Can I get
your autograph?
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520. Okay, okay.
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521. Hey, don't hassle
the talent, ma'am.
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522. I actually don't really
know who they are.
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523. I was just getting
an autograph—
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524. Ah!
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525. Move along, ma'am.
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526. That was pretty good, kids.
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527. Maybe you can come perform
at my Elk's Club sometime.
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528. Okay, yeah, maybe.
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529. God, now it's like everybody
wants a piece of us.
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530. Yeah.
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531. I don't know if I can handle
all this fame.
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532. I mean, I always thought
I'd want to be famous,
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533. but now that I am,
I don't know if I like it.
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534. I mean, I probably can't
even walk through this mall
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535. right now without people going
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536. "oh, my God,
it's the Fingerbang guy!
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537. Oh, my God!"
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538. Yeah, that's gonna suck.
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539. Yeah, I just want to be
a normal kid again,
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540. have a normal life,
and appreciate what I have.
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541. I think you boys are
very smart for your age.
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542. Come on, I'll buy you all
an orange smoothie.
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543. I don't think
they sell those anymore.
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544. Hey, Cartman, do you think
God is going to be mad at you
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545. for not making $10 million?
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546. Oh, screw God.
I'm not scared of him.
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547. He's a pussy.
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548. You know I'm just kidding,
right?
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