South Park 4x6

1. Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today.

2. I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland.

3. Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.

4. Now, I understand that some students in this class

5. like to mess with substitute teachers,

6. but if we all behave and respect each other,

7. I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day.

8. Let's start with roll call.

9. Let's see, mm, Eric Cartman?

10. Here.

11. Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?

12. Here.

13. It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.

14. Okay, and where is Kenny McCormick?

15. Here.

16. Oh!

17. Ow!

18. Dude, what the hell was that?

19. Oh, oh, dude, you know when you're laughing so hard

20. that the milk comes out your nose?

21. Oh, man.

22. Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.

23. Huh?

24. You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.

25. Not with me, man.

26. Alright, look, why don't we skip roll call?

27. Here's what we're gonna do today.

28. I've been told that one of your classmates

29. has been ill for several days, Kyle Broflovski?

30. He's faking.

31. Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence,

32. our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle,

33. so I've got this large piece of poster board,

34. and we're all gonna come up

35. and use glitter and glue to decorate it.

36. Aw.

37. He's faking.

38. Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card too.

39. But I don't want Kyle to get well.

40. I hate Kyle.

41. I don't care. Get down here and do it.

42. Hey, watch it. - Hey, what are you doing?

43. Now, that's a get-well card.

44. Mr. Garrison, after a very careful review,

45. the school board believes that you should take

46. a hiatus from teaching indefinitely.

47. What?

48. Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting.

49. Did you know that not one of your students

50. knew who Sam Adams was?

51. Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?

52. Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history.

53. Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even

54. your educational record that we're most concerned about.

55. It's your somewhat substantial police record.

56. Pfft. Oh, whatever.

57. Mr. Garrison, last week's charges

58. of attempting to solicit sex from a minor—

59. That was not me. That was Mr. Hat.

60. All we're saying is, perhaps you should take

61. a little hiatus from teaching until this little

62. "child molestation" thing dies down a bit.

63. Gentlemen, teaching is all I know.

64. It is the air that I breathe.

65. We're sorry, Mr. Garrison.

66. We have no choice.

67. Very well.

68. I guess I'm not a teacher anymore.

69. I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun.

70. Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun.

71. Oh, so I can keep it then?

72. Kyle?

73. Stan and his mother came over to visit you.

74. Hello, sweetie.

75. Dude, you can stop faking now. We got a substitute teacher.

76. Kyle?

77. They say it's his kidneys.

78. Kyle always has been a diabetic,

79. and lately, his kidneys have just been shutting down.

80. Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle.

81. Look.

82. Go on, Butters.

83. I don't want to.

84. Butters, go on.

85. Oh, alright then.

86. Dude, you really are sick, huh?

87. I don't know, I—

88. I don't know what to do, Sharon.

89. They want to have him go into surgery,

90. but that's so dangerous.

91. Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines?

92. They work wonders. I read all about it in People.

93. Really? In People?

94. There's a brand-new shop in town

95. that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods.

96. It's run by this fascinating woman

97. named Miss Information.

98. Oh, well, with a name like Miss Information,

99. she must know something.

100. Why don't we at least take Kyle down there

101. and see what she has to say?

102. Okay. I'll get our coats.

103. Can I go now?

104. I don't know what I'm going to do, Mackey.

105. Teaching is all I know.

106. Mkay, well, maybe you need to view this

107. as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do.

108. I've always wanted to write a novel.

109. Well, there you go, mkay?

110. But I never know what to write about.

111. Well, that's easy. Write about what you know.

112. Write about what you love. What do you love most?

113. Besides teaching?

114. Yes.

115. Poontang.

116. Mm—mkay?

117. I can't help it.

118. I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think

119. that taking a woman home and getting some hot poon

120. is about the greatest thing in the world.

121. Well, that settles it, Mr. Garrison.

122. What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.

123. Yes, that's it.

124. I am going to write the great American romance novel.

125. You see, the reasons our bodies fail

126. is because of toxins.

127. Toxins?

128. All the horrible food we eat,

129. the sodas and meats are filled with toxins,

130. and the only way for us to get better

131. is to flush those toxins out of our system.

132. Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up,

133. but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet

134. of lemon juice and cayenne pepper.

135. Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information.

136. Do you hear that, Kyle?

137. You don't need surgery after all.

138. Excuse me, but what do these toxins look like?

139. What?

140. Have you ever actually seen a toxin?

141. Don't be a smart-ass, Stanley.

142. Mrs. Broflovski, we'd like to give your son herbs

143. that focus on the kidney.

144. I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans.

145. Ooh, Native Americans.

146. Now, they know how to heal the body spiritually.

147. "Out on the balcony

148. "when Reginald kissed Diana's lips,

149. "her knees went weak.

150. "Slowly, he pulled her top down,

151. exposing her soft, unyielding breasts."

152. Oh, yeah. Now this is getting good.

153. "just the sight of those breasts

154. "made Reginald's penis very hard.

155. "His penis was of considerable size,

156. "and now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis,

157. "making it glisten like a strong swimmer

158. "fresh from out of the pool.

159. "It was a fantastic penis

160. "that seemed as strong as a horse's leg,

161. "yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk.

162. "What a grand, grand penis.

163. Diana's nipples—"

164. Uh, let's see.

165. "Diana's nipples—"

166. Oh, writer's block. Writer's block.

167. Hmm. Crap!

168. I'm stuck. Oh, well.

169. Maybe that's enough writing for tonight, Mr. Hat.

170. Oh, my. He looks terrible.

171. Yes, poor little dear.

172. Good morning, everyone.

173. Oh, thanks for coming, Miss Information.

174. Kyle seems to be getting worse.

175. Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better.

176. Really? - What?

177. Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday,

178. and his aura is lighter.

179. Oh, that's great news.

180. Oh no.

181. No, no, that's good.

182. Those are the toxins flushing out of his system.

183. Ooh. - Those aren't toxins!

184. That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.

185. Stanley, what did I say about being a smart-ass?

186. Don't be a smart-ass?

187. Now, don't be fooled as Kyle's body

188. sheds itself more and more of all the toxins.

189. He will appear to be getting worse,

190. but actually, he is getting better.

191. Wow, well, I am sold on natural medicines.

192. If only I had known sooner.

193. I agree. - Oh, yes, that's right.

194. Mr. Marsh is here to see you.

195. Alright. Send him in.

196. Oh, Stanley.

197. Hi, Doctor.

198. What can I do for you?

199. Well, it's my friend, Kyle.

200. I think he's really, really sick.

201. He is really, really sick, Stanley.

202. I was seeing him last week when he first got ill,

203. but unfortunately, his mother has decided

204. to put all her trust into holistic medicine.

205. But I don't think it's working.

206. Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you.

207. Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant,

208. or it is very possible that he will die.

209. Die?

210. But Kyle's my best friend in the whole world.

211. I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age,

212. but the rest of the town is so gung ho on new age medicine

213. that I have nowhere else to turn.

214. I'll give Kyle my kidney.

215. Even if it hurts a whole lot, I don't care.

216. That's very brave, Stan,

217. but I've already checked my records,

218. and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys.

219. In fact, there's only one person in South Park

220. with the same blood type as Kyle.

221. Who?

222. Oh, shit.

223. Coming in for attack, Captain.

224. Give me the space cruiser, Kenny.

225. Now, Kenny, you have to give me the sub-space cruiser

226. so I can destroy the Ganjeez on Cluster Five.

227. No, it's mine!

228. I broke your space cruiser, Kenny.

229. Ooh, ah, ow.

230. Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again?

231. Yeah.

232. Well, some more of your little friends

233. are here to play with you.

234. Okay, Mom.

235. And don't get too close to Kyle.

236. He looks like he might have the AIDS.

237. What's going on, guys?

238. Cartman, we have to ask you a question,

239. a very serious question.

240. Okay. - Kyle's in trouble, Cartman.

241. I can see him getting worse right before my eyes.

242. There might be a way that you can save his life.

243. Uh-huh?

244. What Kyle really needs is a new kidney.

245. Oh, I think I see where this is going.

246. His mom is trying all this eastern medicine

247. new age bullcrap on him, but it's obviously not working.

248. Stan, why don't you just ask the question?

249. Alright.

250. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?

251. You only need one, fat boy.

252. Dude, one of your friends is gonna die.

253. Don't you see how serious this is?

254. Well, perhaps I could see my way to giving up a kidney

255. for a price.

256. Oh my God.

257. How much? - I don't know.

258. How much is your life worth to you, Kyle?

259. Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die.

260. Yes, well, until then, I need about $10 million.

261. $10 million?

262. What the hell would you do with $10 million, fat-ass?

263. What I intend to do with the money

264. is not an issue, is it?

265. I suggest you start looking for that money quickly.

266. Kyle doesn't seem to have much time.

267. Ticktock ticktock.

268. Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here.

269. Okay, where were we, Kenny? Oh, yeah.

270. Quick, Captain, we must destroy the Ganjeez on Cluster Five.

271. Give me the space cruiser.

272. Give it, Kenny. Myah!

273. Ooh, free-range aspirin.

274. All-natural cell phones.

275. Oh, look, everyone.

276. These are our two resident Native Americans,

277. Chief Running Pinto and Carlos Ramirez.

278. Do you have any new holistic items for sale?

279. Oh, oh, yeah.

280. Uh, here, uh, this is a, uh, dream catcher.

281. Oh, a dream catcher. I'll buy one.

282. Yeah, and these here are Cherokee hair tampons.

283. They're, like, tampons made with all-natural hair

284. from the Cherokee people.

285. Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair.

286. Now, that sounds natural.

287. Native Americans are more in tune with the Earth than we are.

288. Oh, yeah. We love the Earth, man.

289. Oh, yeah. The Earth is great.

290. Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick.

291. Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow

292. and you could give him some spiritual healing.

293. Oh, sure, we can do that, man.

294. We'll give him, like, a brain enema or something.

295. Wonderful.

296. Why don't you follow me over to the cash register,

297. and I'll take a deposit?

298. Do you have any more stuff to sell?

299. We want to buy more stuff. - Yes, much, much more stuff.

300. Sure, uh, we just got to go back to our truck—

301. I mean our horses and grab some more junk.

302. Come on.

303. Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit of Maya is with you.

304. Oh, yeah. You too and junk.

305. It's funny, man.

306. Oh, hi, Stanley.

307. Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste.

308. You mean the stuff that tastes like ass

309. and doesn't fight cavities?

310. That's right.

311. Look, um, I know that you all think

312. the Earth and all its natural healing powers can cure Kyle,

313. but the doctor at the hospital told me it can't.

314. Well, of course the doctor told you that

315. because he wants to make money.

316. Holistic medicine is about nature.

317. $233.

318. Everything's going to be fine, Stan.

319. We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow

320. to see the Native Americans personally.

321. Isn't it possible that these Indians

322. don't know what they're talking about?

323. You watch your mouth, Stanley.

324. The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources

325. by white people like us.

326. And that has something to do with their medicine because—

327. Enough, Stanley.

328. Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.

329. I know.

330. I don't know what else to do.

331. I mean, he could die, Kenny,

332. and that means we'd never see him again.

333. Mm-hmm.

334. I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted

335. like they'd always be there.

336. If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do.

337. Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die.

338. Kenny, go round up all the kids in town

339. who want to help Kyle.

340. Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30.

341. Kyle's gonna live.

342. "Chapter 18.

343. "Diana had never slept with another woman before,

344. but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about."

345. Oh, yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene coming up.

346. "and as Rebecca's naked body lay before her,

347. "Diana couldn't help but feel aroused.

348. "'Go on, ' Rebecca said softly, 'touch me.'

349. "Diana leaned down slowly

350. "and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips.

351. "It felt good, like a penis,

352. "a soft but sturdy penis that felt warm to the touch.

353. "In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt

354. "like she was surrounded by penises.

355. "They were all around her,

356. "flopping all around and slapping her face.

357. "It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises.

358. "they presented themselves tall and mighty

359. all around her with—"

360. Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?

361. Oh, Mr. Hat.

362. Come on, where are they?

363. This is it?

364. Mm-hmm. - Timmy!

365. This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle?

366. Well, Clyde was gonna come too,

367. but he said his mom was making tacos for dinner,

368. and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot.

369. Jesus Christ. Alright, Butters.

370. You take this medical book, and everyone follow me.

371. Well, where are we going?

372. We're gonna go take Cartman's kidney.

373. Mom, do you ever have those heavy flow days?

374. Oh, absolutely, sweetheart. Everybody does.

375. Mom, remember the movie The Shining

376. where the elevator doors are opening up and all the—

377. Oh, honey, what you need is a more absorbent tampon.

378. Like what?

379. Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world?

380. Well...

381. Cherokee hair, I guess.

382. But what does that have to do with me?

383. Because now there's new all-natural

384. Cherokee hair tampons.

385. A cotton tampon can only hold so much liquid,

386. other tampons also come up short,

387. but Cherokee hair has been known for ages

388. to be strong and powerful.

389. Each tampon is handwoven

390. from over 200 strands of Cherokee hair

391. and then bound together by these decorative native beads.

392. You were right, Mom.

393. All-natural Cherokee hair tampons really did the trick.

394. And when you're done using them,

395. they make a great toy for Jesse.

396. Go get it, boy.

397. Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people,

398. like, change the way you think about tampons.

399. No. No.

400. Hippies all around me.

401. Help, mommy! Hippies!

402. Okay, it's clear.

403. Okay, me and Butters are gonna go up

404. and take Cartman's kidney out of him.

405. Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door with Timmy.

406. Timmy! - Shh!

407. Timmy!

408. If she hears him screaming or comes out or anything,

409. just stall her, alright?

410. Okay.

411. Timmy!

412. Alright, Butters. Let's go.

413. Uh-oh. Cartman's pig.

414. Shh, good pig. Good pig.

415. Good pig. Shh, it's okay.

416. Come on, we got to get out of here!

417. Oh, no.

418. Oh, well. We're busted.

419. Shut up, fluffy!

420. Oh, phew.

421. Hippies. Hippies.

422. Everywhere.

423. They want to save the Earth,

424. but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

425. Help.

426. Okay, here we go.

427. Okay, let's see,

428. it looks like if we cut here and here...

429. I hope it's not too bloody. I'm wearing my favorite pants.

430. Vein—right, well—

431. Well, here goes nothing.

432. Help me pull his pajamas up.

433. No way! Kidney blocker 2000?

434. What, what, what, what?

435. Oh, Stan and Butters.

436. Trying to take my kidney, are you?

437. You suck, Cartman.

438. Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough

439. to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000.

440. God damn it, don't you care that Kyle is gonna die?

441. I do. I do care.

442. Look how much.

443. Look. Look how much I care.

444. First and foremost, Mr. Garrison,

445. I would like to thank you for choosing Harequin Romance.

446. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So did you read the book?

447. Yes, Mr. Garrison. We did read your book.

448. Well, what did you think?

449. Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison,

450. we don't know if the Harequin Romance label

451. is appropriate for you.

452. Oh, why not?

453. Mr. Garrison, are you aware that the word "penis"

454. occurs 6,083 times in your novel?

455. Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words.

456. It is a romance novel.

457. No, I don't think that this book really qualifies

458. as a romance novel.

459. No?

460. No.

461. No, this is what we in the book publishing business

462. like to call gay.

463. Really, really gay.

464. What the hell are you talking about?

465. It's just that the focus really seems to be

466. on the male organs.

467. Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things.

468. It is.

469. Well, women want to read about ding-dongs!

470. You think women care about the details of female anatomy?

471. Hell no!

472. Women want to read about big powerful schlongs!

473. Look, I've seen women read these things.

474. They skim along, skim along,

475. until they get to the part about the penis.

476. That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them.

477. Hmm.

478. There's nothing more I can do, Kenny.

479. I've tried everything to save Kyle.

480. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend.

481. Nobody seems to care when I die.

482. My friend is gonna die.

483. He's gonna die, and there's nothing I can do about it.

484. Oh, God. He's my best friend.

485. Now, that does it!

486. I have had enough of this bullshit!

487. Screw you guys. I'm going home.

488. Look out!

489. Crash!

490. Oops.

491. I'll never see Kyle again.

492. Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.

493. No problem, man.

494. Pay Miss Information up front.

495. Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls

496. whenever I watch VH 1.

497. Oh, here, try this, man.

498. Uh, this is, uh, all-natural ball juice.

499. Wow, I feel better already.

500. And next, we have Mrs. Broflovski's son.

501. Okay, here he is.

502. Hey, man, that kid looks really sick.

503. Yes, he really needs his toxins flushed again.

504. No, I mean he looks really sick, man.

505. You should take him to, like, a doctor.

506. Huh?

507. But you're more in touch with the Earth.

508. Look, being in touch with the Earth

509. has nothing to do with dying, man.

510. It's okay.

511. We trust that you know what you're doing.

512. No, man, that kid needs a doctor,

513. and besides, we're not actually Native Americans.

514. I mean, I'm more like a— Mexican.

515. What?

516. Yeah. A Mexican.

517. Oh, I didn't know that!

518. Oh, my God.

519. How dare you deceive us like that?

520. Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man.

521. Miss Information said that.

522. Yeah, she said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans.

523. Uh, toxins are your enemy.

524. Kill her!

525. That's funny.

526. So now can we take Kyle to the hospital?

527. Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor.

528. That's alright.

529. If you'll all help, I think I have a plan.

530. That son of a bitch!

531. Okay, asshole, give me back my kidney.

532. Dude, please, Kyle needs it.

533. It's mine. Not yours, mine.

534. Give it back right now, or there's gonna be hell to pay.

535. Alright, alright. Here.

536. Thank you, and you better hope to God

537. it still works just like it did before.

538. Doctor, Eric Cartman is here.

539. Why, hello there, Eric.

540. You see that?

541. That's mine.

542. My asshole friend, Stan, took my kidney,

543. and I need it put back in please.

544. Oh, I see.

545. Are you sure that now that it's already out

546. you don't want to just let your friend, Kyle, have it?

547. No, because it doesn't belong to Kyle.

548. It belongs to me. It's mine.

549. Well, alright then.

550. We'll get you prepped for surgery,

551. if you'll just sign this release.

552. Thank you.

553. How are you feeling, bubbe?

554. Better. Thanks.

555. You look a lot better.

556. Yeah, looks like western medicine really did the trick.

557. Hey, thanks for going through all that

558. to save my life, Stan.

559. Dude, you're my best friend.

560. I don't want you to die until I do.

561. Yeah, hey, man, we're glad you're getting better too.

562. Hey—hey, what's going on?

563. Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you.

564. Huh? - It was all a trick.

565. Your mom undid the kidney blocker,

566. and then we put ketchup in your bed

567. so you'd think we took your kidney.

568. Yes, but it was all just a trick

569. to get you to come in and sign this release.

570. Isn't that funny, sweetie?

571. Ugh, I am so pissed off!

572. Oh, here's everybody.

573. Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?

574. Boys, I have an announcement to make.

575. I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore.

576. I've become a best-selling author,

577. and, Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy

578. as a get-well present.

579. Oh. Thanks?

580. I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!

581. Careful, Cartman. You might pop your stitches.

582. What the—

583. Oh, good, you got the crappy kidney.