South Park 4x17

Directed by Adrien Beard

Kyle and Ike anxiously await Mr. Hankey. When he doesn't show, Kyle calls the others for a late night emergency meeting. They find Mr. Hankey living with his alcoholic wife and their three little nuggets. He tells them that no one is into Christmas. They all decide to try and spread some Christmas cheer. Their effort fails and the boys decide to create an animated special of their own. Featuring Jesus, Santa Claus and themselves.

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1. He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.

2. Oh, no. Poopie.

3. He might not come

4. if you're too close to the toilet bowl, Ike.

5. Come sit by me.

6. It's getting late, boys,

7. why don't you come on up to bed?

8. Just let us stay up a little longer, Mom,

9. Mr. Hankey's got to show up. He always does.

10. Alright, bubbie.

11. Oh, and, boys, Happy Hanukkah.

12. Happy Hanukkah, Mom.

13. Whee, whee.

14. Go away!

15. Stan, go get the other guys

16. and tell them to meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes.

17. Okay, good, you're all here.

18. What's this all about, Kyle?

19. It's Mr. Hankey. He hasn't shown up yet!

20. Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm going back to bed.

21. It's only three days until Christmas, you guys.

22. You know how bad things have been around here.

23. I think it might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.

24. Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow.

25. I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?

26. If you guys want there to be a Christmas,

27. you better come help me.

28. Dude, you sneezed on my back!

29. Oh, sorry, you might get some germs

30. while you're walking around in human feces.

31. Hey, look!

32. Hello?

33. Howww-dy ho!

34. Mr. Hankey! Oh, we were so worried.

35. I was waiting up for you,

36. and you didn't come so I thought that—

37. Oh, no, I'm fine, Kyle.

38. But where have you been?

39. Things aren't the same without you.

40. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.

41. Oh, I know, Kyle.

42. I've just been awful busy with my family.

43. Honey!

44. Family?

45. Boys, I want you to meet my wife, Autumn.

46. Howdy hey, kids.

47. Would you like a drink?

48. They're too young to drink, honey.

49. Oh, hell, it's Christmas.

50. Oh, and you have to meet the little nuggets too.

51. Kids!

52. This is our son Cornwallis.

53. Howww-dy ho!

54. Our daughter Amber.

55. Howdy ho!

56. And our son Simon.

57. Hey!

58. Simon's not so smart.

59. He was born with a peanut in his head.

60. What's that, Pa?

61. Nothin', Simon.

62. A family!

63. So that's why you haven't been able to spread Christmas cheer.

64. It sure has been tough.

65. Nobody seems that into Christmas up there.

66. I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.

67. My mom's barely bought me any presents so far.

68. Well, don't worry kids.

69. I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow

70. to spread Christmas cheer.

71. And if you want, you can help them.

72. Sure we'll help! - Anything for more presents!

73. Whoo-hoo! It's a Christmas party!

74. Hey, you boys.

75. You boys want to bet me I won't take off my clothes?

76. Honey, please, you're—you're drunk, okay.

77. But it's Christmas, baby!

78. Honey, can we go inside for a second?

79. Now, when people come over—

80. Well, it's decided, kids,

81. tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!

82. Ho, ho, ho!

83. Merry Christmas, you guys.

84. Only three shopping days until—

85. God damn it!

86. Hey, Merry Christmas, asshole!

87. Nobody's paying any attention.

88. Look out!

89. Ew, I almost stepped in it!

90. Well, it was a good effort, boys,

91. but I'm gonna have to close shop.

92. Nobody's buying anything, and I can't afford

93. to keep this furnace runnin'.

94. Oh, and, boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there.

95. Watch out.

96. Not one toy.

97. I guess this year everyone's content to celebrate

98. with candles and love.

99. This is hopeless.

100. We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism

101. has been sucked out of Christmas.

102. And in other news tonight, it appears that everyone

103. is officially sick of Christmas.

104. In an S.P.C. Poll,

105. 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday.

106. 5% said they were indifferent to it.

107. And a whopping 57%

108. said they would kick Bon Jovi square in the balls

109. if given the opportunity.

110. Well, I think people

111. are just fed up with the crowded shopping

112. and the credit card bills.

113. I think that the holiday just has become a joke.

114. You know, it's just that a lot of people

115. don't really believe in the whole "Jesus" thing anymore.

116. You know? So what's to celebrate?

117. Oh, yeah, right in the balls, man,

118. right square in the balls.

119. Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park,

120. but at least our faith in each other remains strong.

121. Oh, really?

122. Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing.

123. Good grief, we need a Christmas tree for our play.

124. Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.

125. How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?

126. Alright, everyone, we've got to get on with our play.

127. Jesus, this sucks!

128. All they keep doing is dancing around.

129. Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.

130. And why is it—that on "Charlie Brown" cartoons—

131. everyone talks— like this?

132. My mom could make a better Christmas special than this.

133. Hey, that's it!

134. Oh, my God. That's totally it!

135. It's so simple. - What, dude?

136. We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit

137. by making our very own animated Christmas special

138. and showing it to everybody in town.

139. We don't know anything about animation.

140. How hard can it be? Look at it?

141. Hey, yeah!

142. We can make a little animated Santa Claus and Jesus.

143. And it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys.

144. Hell yeah, awesome!

145. Yeah, and we can call it... "The Spirit of Christmas."

146. Oh, this is terrible, Johnson.

147. Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet.

148. We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit.

149. Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.

150. Send them in.

151. Mayor, we have the solution to your problem.

152. You do?

153. We're gonna make

154. a short animated Christmas card that everyone can watch

155. and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.

156. It'll have everything— Jesus, Santa.

157. And when people see it,

158. they'll just have to get in the spirit.

159. All we need is $300 for our budget.

160. An animated Christmas card!

161. Kids, that just might be

162. the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!

163. Aw.

164. But at this point I'm willing to try anything.

165. Johnson, cut 'em a check for $300.

166. Alright!

167. You guys go tell Butters to start making the cutouts.

168. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news.

169. You put the vase down!

170. Put that vase down! That's an expensive vase!

171. Don't you throw that vase!

172. Uh, Mr. Hankey!

173. Oh, Kyle, howww-dy ho!

174. We got the money, Mr. Hankey,

175. we're gonna make our animated Christmas card.

176. Oh, that's swell! Kids, Christmas is back on!

177. We got to all go get that old drive-in working again.

178. Okay!

179. That's not the only thing we got to get working again,

180. if you know what I mean.

181. Why—why do you— why do you have to

182. say things like that in front of people?

183. Well, I got to go start our animation.

184. We've only got two days!

185. Good luck, Kyle,

186. and we'll have that projector working.

187. Don't you worry!

188. What's the matter, Cornwallis?

189. Alright, Butters, let's see what you've got.

190. Oh, well, okay.

191. Now, don't expect too much with the budget you gave me.

192. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just let us see 'em.

193. Well, alright.

194. Here's a little construction paper Santa Claus.

195. "Ho, ho, ho there, kids.

196. Would you like some toys and stuff?"

197. Ah, and, uh, here's a little Jesus.

198. "Hey there, Santa, I'm the light and the way and stuff."

199. "Oh, okay, that's good, I suppose."

200. And here's the cutout versions of you guys.

201. Whoa.

202. Look, he made Stan all fat.

203. That's not me. That's you! - What?

204. They kind of look like us.

205. I mean, Stan's got blue eyes, and I've got a sharper nose,

206. but I mean, they kind of look like us.

207. I am not that Goddamn fat! - Good job, Butters.

208. Oh, uh, hey, I made a little cutout version of me too,

209. in case you need it for your animated film.

210. No, that's okay. - See ya!

211. Oh, alright, alright then.

212. "Oh, hey there, good-looking, what's your name?"

213. "Ah, Butters, ma'am."

214. "Oh, Butters, would you like to slap my titties around?"

215. "Whoa, well, ah...

216. no, thanks, ma'am, I'll get in trouble again."

217. Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in.

218. I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.

219. Hey, it's alright, Cornwallis.

220. Those boys' animated movie

221. will bring back the spirit of Christmas.

222. It's not that, father, it's—

223. I don't feel like I'm really a part of Christmas.

224. But, son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas.

225. Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!

226. We're having a talk, honey.

227. God damn it, it's Christmas,

228. and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree.

229. Autumn, you're drunk, alright?

230. Now, just go help the other kids.

231. They can't get their stockings up.

232. That's not the only thing that can't get up around here.

233. Now, come on, son. Don't be so down.

234. Why? We're just pieces of crap.

235. Christmas isn't for us.

236. Christmas is about feeling good.

237. That's for everybody!

238. I see the nativity—

239. there's angels, shepherds, and sheep, but no poo.

240. All the Christmas movies— Santa, elves, reindeer—

241. no poo. I'm not a part of it.

242. No, you're not a part of it, Cornwallis.

243. You're all of it. Don't you see?

244. I'm nothing but crap.

245. But crap is everything.

246. You see, son,

247. you're not an insignificant part of life.

248. You are life.

249. But how can I be that giraffe

250. and blade of grass and a human?

251. I don't control what they do.

252. Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it,

253. so, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do

254. without you even thinking about it.

255. But it is all one life form, it is all... you.

256. I think I see now.

257. Okay, here's the script.

258. But it doesn't have an ending. - No ending?

259. Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded,

260. so we better just record what we have

261. and figure out the ending later.

262. Okay, talk directly into the mic.

263. And don't hit any hard "p's". - What's a hard "p"?

264. You know, first thing in the morning

265. when it just won't come out?

266. Oh, yeah.

267. Um, okay, sound is speeding and...

268. Hold on.

269. Ah, hmm, okay, and...

270. Hey, wait a minute! - What?

271. Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?

272. Well, yes, I think so.

273. Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.

274. You're supposed to sing Hanukkah songs.

275. Hanukkah sucks.

276. Don't you oppress me, fat boy!

277. Don't call me fat, butt fucker!

278. Then don't belittle my people, you fucking fat-ass!

279. Guys, knock it off, we have to record this.

280. Dude, that was awesome.

281. What's awesome? - The script, it's sweet.

282. That's not in the script. They do this all the time.

283. Well, it should be in the script.

284. All that, "you're fat" and "you're a Jew" and stuff.

285. It's great.

286. Check it out, dude.

287. The camera shoots one frame at a time.

288. So all we got to do is put the right mouth on,

289. according to what syllable

290. they're pronouncing at that frame.

291. Easy. - Yeah.

292. So what's the first syllable?

293. Ah, "w", we wish you a Merry Christmas.

294. Okay, so we put little "woo" mouths on all our heads.

295. And then we shoot that for one frame.

296. Okay.

297. One.

298. That's 1/24th of a second of our movie already shot.

299. Kick-ass! - Now the next mouth.

300. Ah, "e", we wish you a Merry Christmas.

301. Okay. Where are the "e" mouths?

302. "e" mouths...

303. Okay, "woo" mouths again.

304. One, two.

305. So how much done is that?

306. "We wish you a Merry." - Ah, Jesus Christ.

307. These kids better make a good Christmas movie, Johnson.

308. If people in this town don't start shopping again,

309. we're all gonna be out of jobs next year!

310. This place is pretty rundown.

311. It's alright. We've got a cleanup crew coming.

312. Howww-dy ho!

313. Down here!

314. Ahh! - Oh, Mr. Hankey, it's you.

315. How wonderful.

316. My family and I are here

317. to get the drive-in ready for the big movie!

318. Perfect.

319. Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person.

320. You want to bet me I won't take off my clothes

321. and run naked through this parking lot?

322. Honey, please don't start.

323. I didn't start it!

324. He was looking at my breasts.

325. They're not real, you know.

326. Don't you say that! - Oh, big secret.

327. Everyone can tell they're made of "silicorn."

328. Ah, we'll just leave you to your cleanup.

329. Okay!

330. Boy, oh, boy, this place sure needs a lot of work.

331. We can fix it up, dad.

332. Oh, look, a homeless person.

333. Oh, he looks sad, Papa.

334. There, that's better.

335. Good job, Amber.

336. Now this place is starting to look Christmassy.

337. Okay, okay, this shot is finally set up.

338. Now shoot the "oh" mouth for two frames.

339. Ah-choo!

340. Agh! - Cartman!

341. Well, I'm sorry, I have a cold.

342. That took us half an hour to set up, fat-ass!

343. Alright, you know what? I have been here too long!

344. I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon,

345. and we're never gonna finish it anyways!

346. Screw you, guys... I'm going home.

347. Fine, we'll do it without you.

348. We can't do it without him, Kyle,

349. we've already animated him in it.

350. We'll dub his voice over.

351. Kyle, it's hopeless.

352. We've only got 20 seconds of animation done.

353. We still have Jesus' and Santa's voices to record.

354. And we don't even have a third act.

355. Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing.

356. Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope.

357. Miracles happen most every day...

358. You can do Cartman's voice, can't you?

359. Uh, I'm so fat.

360. No, you got to sound fatter.

361. Hey, you guys, seriously.

362. I'm so fat, help me out over here.

363. Cool, now let's try the script.

364. Rolling.

365. I don't know what to do, dude, who should we help?

366. I say we help Santa Claus.

367. Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.

368. Hey, I don't need to take that kind of shit from a Jew!

369. It's okay, we'll just have his character die in the film.

370. Citizens of South Park,

371. the Colorado Film Commission is pleased to present to you

372. a work by some of our very own South Park children.

373. Thank you, thank you. - Cartman!

374. What the hell are you doing here?

375. You quit.

376. What are you talking about "quit"?

377. Puh— I don't remember that.

378. We know that after you see this darling short film,

379. you will all feel the mighty glow

380. of the Christmas spirit once again.

381. Boys?

382. Okay, Mr. Hankey.

383. Okay!

384. Hey, wait a minute. - What?

385. Aren't you Jewish, Kyle? - Yeah, I think so.

386. Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.

387. What?

388. You're supposed to sing Hanukkah songs.

389. Ooh, pretty!

390. Well, that's Christmas for ya.

391. Uh, just hang on, folks,

392. we seem to be having some technical difficulties.

393. Stupid.

394. It's completely destroyed. There's nothing I can do!

395. All that hard work.

396. Well, thanks a lot, kids, great idea you had there.

397. Now everyone is more disenfranchised

398. with Christmas than ever.

399. We want our 300 bucks back.

400. But we spent it.

401. Fine, then we'll sue you.

402. Johnson.

403. I... Used to believe in miracles.

404. All that work. For nothing.

405. Boys, I-I'm... I'm sorry.

406. Sure, sure, Mr. Hankey.

407. I guess we might as well go home now.

408. It's my fault, all my fault.

409. I got everyone's hopes up.

410. But, Dad, we can fix the projector.

411. Oh, it's too late for that, son.

412. Everyone's gone home.

413. And I don't know nothin' about projectors.

414. I'm just a stupid piece of crap.

415. Dad, you taught me an important lesson,

416. that crap is the cycle of everything.

417. Oh, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis!

418. I was just trying to get you to stop your bitching.

419. No, it wasn't a stupid song,

420. because you showed me that I have the power

421. and the strength to do anything I want.

422. You made me believe in myself, Dad.

423. Now I'm asking you to do the same.

424. Son...

425. You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poo-dinger!

426. Come on!

427. Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley?

428. No commercialism and shopping.

429. Just a nice fire and family.

430. I want to die!

431. They did it!

432. They got it working!

433. You have blemished the meaning of Christmas

434. for the last time, Kringle.

435. I bring happiness and love

436. to children all over the world.

437. Christmas is for celebrating my birth.

438. Christmas is for giving.

439. Oh... wow.

440. Mom, they got it working!

441. What, son, they got your father's penis working again?

442. We actually spoke to the Brian Boitano.

443. Yeah, and you know,

444. I think I learned something today.

445. It doesn't matter if you're Christian

446. or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu—

447. Christmas still is about one very important thing.

448. Yeah, ham. - No, not ham!

449. Hey, why the hell did you have me say that?

450. We can make you say whatever we wanted.

451. Christmas is about something much more important.

452. What? - Presents.

453. Ah. - Don't you see, Kyle?

454. Yeah. - Presents.

455. Presents... Presents!

456. My God, they're right!

457. Christmas is about presents.

458. If we all buy presents, everyone benefits, mkay.

459. That is the spirit of Christmas:

460. commercialism.

461. Because it's what makes our country work.

462. They're starting to understand, Johnson.

463. They're starting to understand.

464. We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas,

465. like love and family, that we almost forgot

466. it's buying things that makes our economy thrive.

467. Hey, the shops are still open.

468. We still have time to shop!

469. Cool, let's go!

470. Yeah, let's go!

471. Whoo!

472. You did it, Mr. Hankey,

473. you brought back the spirit of Christmas.

474. No, you did it, boys.

475. Ah, hell, we all did it.

476. Kids, that cartoon was fabulous.

477. How would you like to have your own show

478. and make 100 more of them?

479. Are you kidding?

480. I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.

481. Yeah, let's just go home and open our presents.

482. Hey, man, if you're Jewish, you get presents for eight days.

483. Wow, count me in! - Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.