South Park 4x15

1. Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember,

2. today we're gonna continue our biology lesson

3. by dissecting an organism.

4. Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

5. Now, what we are going to dissect today

6. is the West Indian manatee.

7. Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans

8. and are often called "the gentle clowns of the sea."

9. Uh, Miss Choksondick, aren't manatees endangered?

10. They sure are, Wendy,

11. and that's why we must learn what's inside them.

12. Now, we don't have quite enough manatees to go around,

13. so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four.

14. Hey, ours is still alive!

15. Oh, hold on.

16. Now, children, our first incision

17. will be along the abdomen.

18. I can't do it, dude.

19. Oh, don't be such a baby.

20. You do it, Kenny. - Mm-mm.

21. Come on, Kenny.

22. I'll give you five bucks to do it.

23. Five bucks!

24. Too bad Cartman's missing this.

25. He must be really sick.

26. Say, Terrance,

27. this body appears to have been moved since the murder.

28. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.

29. I don't see anything.

30. Look closer.

31. Closer.

32. I still don't see anything, Phillip.

33. Wait, wait.

34. I know what's gonna happen, Mom.

35. You want to know what's gonna happen?

36. Keep looking, Terrance.

37. The forensic evidence is right around here.

38. Whoa, that totally surprised me!

39. I can't believe how this show manages to stay fresh.

40. Huh, Mom? - Yes, sweetie.

41. Mom, can you go make me

42. a toaster-pastry- chocolate-mix-butter bar?

43. Oh, honey, why don't you go make it yourself?

44. Mommy's expecting some company.

45. God, I have to do everything around here.

46. What the hell's going on?

47. Uh, sweetie,

48. your friends wanted to have a talk with you.

49. Eric, your friends and your family

50. are all concerned about your weight, m'kay?

51. What?

52. We believe that you might have a problem.

53. You're God damn right I have a problem.

54. Terrance & Phillip is on,

55. and I don't have anywhere to sit!

56. Now, what the hell is this?

57. It's called intervention, Eric.

58. Your friends and I have all chipped in,

59. and we're going to send you up

60. to a weight-management retreat.

61. Fat camp? - Yes, fat camp.

62. Alright, I don't know who the hell

63. put you all up to this,

64. but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!

65. Now, Eric, all these people came here

66. and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.

67. Yeah, except for me.

68. I just wanted to see the look on your face

69. when they told you.

70. Mom, tell them!

71. Tell them I'm not fat; I'm just big-boned!

72. Tell them all the stories about how everyone in your family

73. was big as a child but then grew into their bodies.

74. Oh, sweetie, those were all lies.

75. You're just fat.

76. And now we will be removing the spleen.

77. Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for—

78. Ah, Miss Choksondick,

79. can we have a quick word with you?

80. Alright.

81. Continue with the removal of the spleen, children.

82. I'll be right back.

83. Oh, dude, check this out.

84. That's so gross.

85. Hey, Kenny, how much for you to eat this?

86. I'll give you 10 bucks to eat it.

87. I'll throw in five.

88. And so, apparently, there's been a little mix-up.

89. The manatees were meant to go

90. to the Denver shelter aquarium,

91. and the frogs were meant to come here.

92. Oh, dear.

93. I'll throw in a dollar! - I've got three.

94. Come on, dude.

95. All you gotta do is eat it really fast.

96. 41 bucks.

97. Ew-hoo-hoo! He did it!

98. Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats.

99. Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together.

100. And it has basketball courts and tennis courts,

101. and you can call mommy anytime you want.

102. Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad.

103. I'm sure you're going to have a good time.

104. And when you come back, you'll be all healthy and thin.

105. Howdy, there!

106. I'm one of the weight counselors here.

107. This must be Eric Cartman.

108. Yes, I'm afraid he's a little moody.

109. Oh, we'll change that.

110. Hello, camper. My name is Rick.

111. How are you doing?

112. Well, I'm pissed off, Rick. How are you?

113. I'm doing great!

114. Why don't you come on out, and we'll get you oriented?

115. I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.

116. Oh. Well, good-bye, sweetie.

117. Don't touch me.

118. Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!

119. Have you got any candy? - No.

120. My mom says I ain't to eat no candy here.

121. I'm supposed to lose weight.

122. Alright!

123. Everybody's here, and that means we can get down to business.

124. Over the next few weeks, we're gonna learn

125. that losing weight is fun! Right, gang?

126. Right.

127. Wait a second. Do you kids hear something?

128. Why, I could've swore that—

129. Rrrawr!

130. Oh, no, kids! It's glutinous fat!

131. I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow.

132. Oh. What are we going to do?

133. Wait, I know.

134. I can knock it out with... exercise!

135. And... proper diet!

136. Oh, no!

137. Exercise and proper diet have killed me.

138. I guess we took care of that bad old fat,

139. didn't we, kids?

140. Yeah!

141. Well, hold on a second, because that glutinous fat

142. was really our good friend Susan,

143. who's another weight counselor!

144. Heh, it was a lady in a costume.

145. Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?

146. What's the matter? - Kenny's not feeling so good.

147. That manatee spleen made him sick.

148. Uh-oh, I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it.

149. Ew!

150. Well, at least you got it out of your system.

151. Oh, dude, you can still kind of see the spleen!

152. How much, Kenny? - What?

153. I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.

154. I'm in for five.

155. Oh, you guys.

156. I got three. - Six.

157. Uh, here, you can scoop it up

158. in my R. Kelly thermos.

159. That's 19 bucks, Kenny.

160. Kick ass, dude!

161. You know, dude, there might be something to this.

162. Yeah, people are willing to pay big money

163. to see Kenny do this stuff.

164. Doing great, kids. Come on!

165. This... is... bullcrap!

166. Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar.

167. How about you, gang? - I'm starving.

168. This is it. I'm going to die here.

169. I hope you all left room for dessert.

170. Soybean pudding for everybody!

171. Are you gonna eat your soybean pudding?

172. Take it! I can't eat this crap!

173. Me neither. I have to have sugar, or I'm gonna die.

174. Yeah, well, when I was in prison,

175. we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.

176. I've got some fudge hidden up my ass.

177. You want some?

178. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again.

179. Alright, Clyde Frog,

180. we just gotta clear the counselor building,

181. and we're free.

182. We did it, Clyde Frog!

183. Now the only question is,

184. do we go home to our traitor mom and friends,

185. or do we start a new life on the run?

186. An ice-cream truck!

187. Hey, wait!

188. Boy, am I glad to see you.

189. Can I interest you in some ice cream?

190. You're damn right you can!

191. Two roller pops, please.

192. Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind?

193. Huh? Oh!

194. They tricked us again, huh?

195. Oh, God damn it! Let me out of here!

196. Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time.

197. They always get us.

198. Sometimes it's an ice-cream truck,

199. sometimes it's a taco stand,

200. but they always fool us.

201. I can't help it.

202. I'd give anything,

203. any amount of money for some candy.

204. Hey, kids! Looks like we had

205. some attempted escapees again tonight.

206. Escape-a-roo!

207. Now, campers, I know that camp is tough,

208. but you have to believe that you can do it,

209. and you have to know that until you drop the weight,

210. you can't leave!

211. There is no escape.

212. So let's just all put on our "try hard" helmets

213. and accept that the only way out of camp

214. is to lose the weight!

215. Ah, damn it.

216. Thanks for coming, everybody.

217. What's all this about, Mrs. Cartman?

218. Is Eric having trouble at his weight-management camp?

219. We knew he wouldn't make it.

220. Oh, no, quite the contrary.

221. Eric showed up and surprised me last night.

222. Ladies and gentlemen,

223. I would like to present to you the new Eric Cartman.

224. Hey, dudes!

225. Whoa! - I don't believe it.

226. Believe it.

227. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp.

228. Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay!

229. Congratulations. How do you feel?

230. I feel awesome.

231. What the hell did they do with all the fat?

232. There must've been enough to last an Eskimo family months.

233. You know, Kyle, there was a time when your fat jokes

234. would have gotten to me,

235. but now I'm totally slim and totally happy.

236. In fact, I'd say I'm a little bit trimmer

237. than you, fat boy.

238. Just kidding, Kyle.

239. I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate.

240. Who wants some?

241. Me, me, me, me!

242. Dude, I don't know if I'm gonna like

243. the new Eric Cartman.

244. Did you like the old one? - Good point.

245. And now back to Jesus and Pals

246. on South Park public access.

247. Back to our courageous story

248. of a little boy's triumph over obesity.

249. Eric, yea, you found

250. that the spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.

251. No, actually I found a diet that totally works.

252. A little boy who overcame the odds.

253. Let's hear it for Eric Cartman!

254. Well, our second guest tonight

255. is a young man named Kenny McCormick,

256. who is going to eat dog crap.

257. Kenny?

258. Yes!

259. Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

260. Damn it, all I got was a little golf clap.

261. Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.

262. Sure.

263. Do it again! Do it again!

264. Hey, kid, I'll give you 20 bucks

265. to eat a really old piece of bacon.

266. This is ridiculous!

267. So, Kenny,

268. how did you discover that you had this... talent?

269. We thought of it, Jesus.

270. I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all,

271. but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.

272. I can't say I approve of this, my children.

273. Huh? Why not?

274. Because Kenny is only doing things

275. that anybody could do... for money.

276. He's a prostitute.

277. I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.

278. Yeah, go for it! Yeah!

279. What's a prostitute? - I don't know.

280. Hello, there, children.

281. Hey, Chef.

282. Chef, what's a prostitute?

283. Dag nabbit, children!

284. How come every time you come in here,

285. you gotta be asking me questions I shouldn't be answering?

286. "Chef, what's a clitoris? What's a lesbian, Chef?

287. How come they call it a 'rim job,' Chef?"

288. For once, can't you just come in here and say,

289. "Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"

290. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

291. It sure is. Thank you.

292. Chef, what's a prostitute?

293. Unh-unh. You children are gonna get me in trouble

294. with the principal again.

295. Lunchtime! I'm starved!

296. Oh, my God!

297. Eric? - That's me.

298. Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.

299. Why do you need to know what a prostitute is, anyway?

300. Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute.

301. Is he? - Yeah, am I?

302. Well, no, of course, Kenny is not a prostitute.

303. Why?

304. Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who...

305. You can pay for certain services.

306. Like what? - Like keeping you company.

307. Understand? - No.

308. You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman,

309. but sometimes, when the lovin' is over,

310. the woman just want to talk and talk and talk and talk.

311. Yes, it's true, children.

312. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor!

313. James Taylor, what the hell you doing in here,

314. singing about prostitutes to the children?

315. Get out of here!

316. These children tricked me!

317. Oh, there you are.

318. Alright, I got the goods —

319. some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.

320. Is anyone starting to suspect anything?

321. Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.

322. Awesome. Alright, throw it over.

323. Uh-uh, one thing. I want a bigger cut.

324. What? - I'm the one risking my ass,

325. running around in that stupid town

326. pretending to be you and collecting all the food

327. to bring up here.

328. All you have to do is sit back and sell it to the fat kids!

329. Alright, alright, keep your voice down!

330. I'll bump you up to 10%.

331. 20%. - Suck my balls, 20%!

332. Fine. Then I shall bid you good day.

333. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

334. Fine, 20%, but just remember that your parents think

335. you're at the drug rehab center next door.

336. You blow your cover, and we're both screwed.

337. You guys! You have to check this tape out!

338. Hey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow.

339. No, dude, check this out!

340. It's this kid who does all kinds of crazy stuff.

341. Check it out!

342. He jumped into a portapotty at a construction site

343. and stayed there for four days!

344. Whoa!

345. Oh, gross! - Sick!

346. That's awesome!

347. Hey, guys, check this out!

348. Get ready for THE KRAZY KENNY SHOW!

349. and now here's your host,

350. the kid who will do anything to himself for money...

351. Kra-a-a-a-zy Kenny!

352. Kenny, through the past weeks,

353. we've seen you eat mice,

354. pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers,

355. and wash your hair with battery acid.

356. The question on all our minds is,

357. what are you gonna do next?

358. Oh, ho ho! You heard him, folks.

359. Kenny is going to give a sensual, full-body massage

360. to his own grandfather!

361. Oh, ho! Whoo-hoo!

362. Wow, this is Kenny's best show ever!

363. This is so juvenile.

364. Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you?

365. Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?

366. Nothing.

367. Can I have some licorice to take home?

368. Alright, campers, good work today.

369. Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow

370. for more exercise and proper diet.

371. All "beddy-byes" for the night, are they?

372. I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan.

373. These kids aren't losing the weight.

374. We'll just have to give them more time.

375. They'll do it. - They'll do it!

376. They'll do it!

377. Alright, they're gone.

378. The Cartman Store is open!

379. Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.

380. Two donuts and a pack of licorice.

381. Hello, tony. The usual?

382. Why are you crying, Chad?

383. 'Cause I'm always gonna be fat.

384. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself

385. when they're right in front of me like this.

386. All my life, I've been fat.

387. I've been to seven camps,

388. and I swore to my mama that I'd lose the weight.

389. I want to, but I can't help myself.

390. Hey, Chad.

391. You know what you need? You need a friend.

392. I do?

393. Yes...

394. A chocolate friend.

395. Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad.

396. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are.

397. Look at how yummy and sweet he is.

398. There you go.

399. That'll just be $4.

400. There you go.

401. This week on pay-per-view,

402. Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus

403. and stay there for six hours.

404. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event.

405. Order now!

406. Alright, so we're back

407. talking to three competing celebrities:

408. Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass,

409. and Krazy Kenny. - Hey, Howard.

410. Krazy Kenny is here to promote

411. his pay-per-view special this week,

412. where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus

413. and stay there for six hours.

414. Wow.

415. Now, some people think that all you guys do

416. is perform sick and disgusting acts

417. for shock value and money, which makes you whores.

418. But I'd like to prove them wrong,

419. so what I'm gonna do is offer each of you $50,000

420. to give me oral sex right now.

421. I'm in. - Me too.

422. - And me. Oh!

423. Fine, I'll do it for 40, then.

424. 30 - 20.

425. 10 bucks.

426. Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for 10 bucks.

427. Damn it, I'm out. - Me too.

428. I guess he is the biggest whore.

429. Alright let's get going, then.

430. Can we cut the cameras?

431. And we're gonna reach for the sky...

432. and down to the ground.

433. and up to the sky.

434. and down to the ground.

435. Please, Mr. Sanders. - No, I have had it!

436. What's happening?

437. Horace's parents want to take him home.

438. Oh, but he's not ready yet.

439. Look at what you've done to my boy!

440. You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight.

441. You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet,

442. he could be thin,

443. when we told you that it was his genetics.

444. They can lose the weight if they try.

445. Look at these kids!

446. They're not getting any thinner!

447. Your camp is a fraud.

448. You need to accept the fact

449. that most fat people are just genetically fat.

450. Please, sir, if you give us one more week—

451. Your time is up!

452. Yeah, your time is up.

453. And I'm going to call all the other parents

454. and tell them to come claim their kids as well.

455. Your camp was a waste of time!

456. But Dad, I— - What?

457. Nothing.

458. We're in trouble, Rick.

459. Alright, Ms. Crabtree, is it comfortable enough?

460. How long have I gotta sit here?

461. Six hours.

462. Hell, I'll do six hours

463. for the 500 bucks you're paying me.

464. Great. - You guys, it's Kenny!

465. He's been arrested for prostitution in New York.

466. For what?

467. For giving Howard Stern a hummer.

468. What's a hummer? - I don't know!

469. All I know is, Kenny's in jail for at least three months!

470. Three months?

471. But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!

472. I know!

473. We've worked so hard, come so close.

474. Now we'll never see Kenny

475. crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.

476. You know, maybe we've all learned something here.

477. I mean, we set Kenny up

478. to further and further himself each time,

479. having to always outdo himself.

480. Now he's in jail for being a whore,

481. and perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame.

482. Alright, that does it!

483. This has been bothering the hell out of me.

484. I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!

485. Uh-oh.

486. Well, we've seen him do

487. just about every disgusting thing in the book,

488. and today, live on pay-per-view,

489. Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus

490. for six hours!

491. Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated,

492. your womb equipped with oxygen.

493. How do you feel?

494. I feel great!

495. I haven't had this much attention paid to my cooch

496. since I was 16!

497. Hooray!

498. Well, let's bring out the man of the hour.

499. You know him as—

500. Don't worry, dude, you're gonna do great.

501. No way. I'm not doing this.

502. Oh, you're doing it,

503. or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide-open

504. and tell your mom you haven't actually been

505. at your drug rehab this whole time.

506. But this isn't fair! - Deal, druggie.

507. And here he is, Kenny McCormick!

508. We can watch him on the monitors.

509. How you doing in there, Kenny?

510. That's my boy.

511. Good-bye, Chad.

512. We'll be wanting a refund, naturally.

513. Naturally. - Good-bye, Alice.

514. Good-bye. Thank you.

515. Oh, don't thank us. We failed you.

516. 65, 66, 67...

517. Wait a second. This isn't right.

518. Hmm? Hmm?

519. It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions.

520. Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time.

521. Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food.

522. Eh, shut up, you heif, Chad.

523. No, he's right.

524. The counselors been doing a good job.

525. We've just been cheating.

526. Yeah.

527. I believe I can lose the weight

528. with exercise and proper diet.

529. I don't want to make excuses no more.

530. - Me neither! - Yeah!

531. If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.

532. Well, it's alright with me. Parents?

533. Well, what the heck?

534. Maybe when you're all done,

535. you can teach me a thing or two, huh, son?

536. You know, you guys are right.

537. I'm sick of being the fat kid too.

538. I've been making excuses all my life,

539. but I know deep down that if I took responsibility

540. and really tried hard, if we all try together,

541. we really can lose the weight!

542. Oh, no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.

543. Yeah!

544. What? - Buh-bye.

545. Well, screw you, fat-asses!

546. 4, 3, 2, 1!

547. He did it! Come on out, Kenny.

548. You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there.

549. Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push.

550. Ew!

551. He's dead.

552. The pressure must have killed him.

553. I told you I was a tight virgin flower!

554. Oh, my God! They killed Kenny... sort of.

555. Yeah, they kind of killed Kenny's... look-alike.

556. You bastards!

557. Well, he gave his life for our amusement.

558. One little boy who dared to be different:

559. let us never forget Kenny McCormick.

560. Who is that?

561. Yes, it's true, children.