1. Dude, what's your little
brother doing here?
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2. Ike is starting his
first day of kindergarten.
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3. But isn't he only
three years old?
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4. Yeah, but he's
some kind of genius
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5. so he's getting advanced
placement in kindergarten.
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6. I pooped my pants.
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7. But, dude, check out
my new Trapper Keeper.
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8. It has five different compartments for each
subject in school
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9. and it's all covered with
pictures from "Dawson's Creek".
- Cool!
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10. Hey dudes, check out
my sweet "Dawson's Creek"
Trapper Keeper
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11. Ultra-Keeper
Futura 2000.
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12. Yeah, well, it's got 10 different compartments for
every subject in school,
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13. electronic
pencil sharpener,
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14. four plastic bags with electronic zippers,
copy machine, fax,
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15. a better picture of Dawson's Creek on
the back than Kyle's.
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16. Flat screen TV and
of course, Onstar.
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17. Wow, cool.
- Godammit, Cartman!
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18. You only got that because
you knew my mom wouldn't
buy it for me!
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19. Oh, but you have
a Trapper Keep—
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20. oh, you got the little
"Crapper Keeper", didn't you?
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21. Well, at least your stupid
brother got a briefcase.
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22. He's going to kindergarten
because he's a genius.
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23. He's not a genius,
he's a little douche bag.
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24. I pooped my pants!
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25. He's smarter
than you, fat boy!
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26. I don't even know how you
made it to the fourth grade
after all the—
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27. Trapper Keeper, I need to
drown out my annoying friend,
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28. please initiate music:
country, high volume.
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29. Nobody gives a crap about
your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!
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30. Ms. Crabtree!
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31. There's another creepy
homeless guy on the bus.
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32. Sit down
and shut up!
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33. But they smell
like pee!
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34. I am not
a homeless person.
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35. I am a new
fourth-grade student.
- You are?
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36. Yes, my name is Bill,
Bill Cosby.
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37. Aren't you a little old
to be in grade school?
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38. I was held back
10 hu-man grades—
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39. unh-I mean, grades.
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40. Do you companion friends
know Eric Cartman?
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41. Yeah, that's me.
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42. Eric Cartman?
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43. And you have a Dawson's Creek
Trapper Keeper Futura S-2000?
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44. Yeah, you already
know about it?
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45. Yes, yes, I do.
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46. Well, "nobody gives a crap about
your Trapper Keeper, Cartman."
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47. I'm gonna shove that thing
up your ass!
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48. Dude, do you really care
if Cartman has something
that's better than yours?
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49. No, I don't!
I don't care!
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50. Ooh, Kyle.
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51. Hey, there he is.
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52. That's the kid that's supposed
to be some kind of genius.
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53. Yeah, he's only three and
he's already in kindergarten.
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54. Come on.
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55. So, you think you're smarter
than the rest of us?
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56. You think you know more
about the world
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57. just because you're
only three and we're five?
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58. I'm go ba-ba.
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59. Okay, children,
let's take our seats.
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60. My name is Mr. Garrison,
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61. and I'm the new
kindergarten teacher.
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62. I used to be the
third-grade teacher,
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63. but I had a little
"nervous breakdown"
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64. and went into the mountains
where I lived off of
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65. "rat carcasses".
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66. But I'm all better now
and school was nice enough
to let me go on teaching...
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67. As long as it was
for kindergarten.
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68. But it's not
a demotion, no.
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69. I mean, just because a teacher
was teaching third grade
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70. and now is teaching
kindergarten—
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71. that's not
a demotion, is it?
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72. No, that's right,
it's not.
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73. Well, let's start with
roll call.
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74. Ah, let's see...
Filmore Anderson?
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75. Here.
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76. Sally Bans?
- Here.
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77. Alright,
Ike Broflovski?
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78. "Cookie Monster."
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79. Broflovski, I had your
older brother Kyle in my
third-grade class.
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80. He's a very smart kid,
I'm sure you are too.
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81. Well, that's bad news
for everybody else
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82. because I will be
grading you all on a curve.
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83. And so the other thing that
makes my Trapper Keeper
cooler than Kyle's
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84. is that it can add
any peripheral device
to itself automatically.
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85. I can take something as simple
as this calculator and—
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86. Trapper Keeper?
- Trapper Keeper active.
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87. Hybrid with "Wellington Bear"
calculator.
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88. Ready for hybrid.
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89. And now, I can use
Wellington Bear calculator too.
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90. Wow.
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91. May I hold your
Trapper Keeper?
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92. Uh, no, I'm afraid not,
Bill Cosby,
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93. because it is coded to
the prints on my fingers.
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94. If anybody but me
tries to hold it
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95. big metal spikes come out
and pierce through their hands.
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96. Oh, you're so full of
crap, Cartman!
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97. Metal spikes
will not come out!
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98. Oh really, then why don't
you hold it?
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99. Well, go on, Kyle,
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100. if it doesn't have
metal spikes, then hold it.
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101. Hold it.
- I'm gonna!
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102. Hold it.
- I will!
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103. And that's how the relationship
with my father sort of ended.
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104. There's still some sort of
skeletons in the closet,
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105. but things between us
are a little better.
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106. Okay, children, well now
it's time for us to elect
a class president.
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107. So first
we must pick nominees.
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108. Who would like to
nominate someone?
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109. I nominate Filmore because he's
the smartest kid in the class.
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110. Okay, Filmore, you'll be
our first nominee.
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111. And who else?
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112. Yes, Jenny.
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113. I gotta go doody.
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114. In a minute, Jenny—
who else wants to nominate
a class president?
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115. Oh, come on, you can't have
an election with just
one person running,
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116. what's the fun
in that?
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117. Ike, how about you,
you're a genius?
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118. No.
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119. Okay, our second nominee
is "Ike... the Genius".
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120. Okay, children, now we'll hear
briefly from each nominee.
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121. Filmore, why don't you
go first.
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122. If I'm elected class president,
I'll call for bigger chairs.
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123. And on Fridays I'll add
two minutes to nap time.
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124. Thank you.
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125. Very enthralling.
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126. Okay, Ike,
how about you?
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127. Cookie Monster... Eyes.
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128. Well, this is gonna be
a tough one, kids.
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129. Oh no, dude, here comes
that weird new kid.
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130. Oh, hello, Eric, can I be
your hu-man friend?
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131. Unh-I mean, friend.
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132. I don't know, dude,
I'm not supposed to have
male friends that are over 30.
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133. I kinda got screwed
on that once.
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134. Please, we can have fun
and play games like
hu-man four square.
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135. I mean, four square.
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136. Dude, you can't just ask
to be somebody's friend
and be their friend!
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137. It doesn't
work that way.
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138. If you want my friendship
you have to pay me.
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139. Oh, I see.
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140. Alright, I'll pay
100 galga stones—
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141. I mean, human dollars,
I mean, dollars.
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142. Okay, that's cool.
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143. Can we play some
hu-man tether ball?
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144. Alright.
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145. Pretty sweet, you guys,
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146. getting 100 bucks to play
tether ball with some—
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147. serve!
- Ah!
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148. Got it!
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149. Dude, he's running off
with your Trapper Keeper!
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150. Wha-huh!
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151. You son of a bitch!
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152. Wait a minute,
lucky for me
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153. I have my Trapper Keeper
homing device.
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154. What the hell
just happened?
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155. Damn, I thought fourth grade
was gonna be different.
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156. So that's six votes for Filmore
and six votes for Ike.
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157. And the last vote is for...
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158. Ah, let's see, Flora,
I can't tell who you voted for.
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159. You've got the winning vote,
Flora, who'd you pick?
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160. I don't know.
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161. Flora, you have to pick one,
Filmore or Ike.
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162. Um, I vote for...
I don't know.
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163. Oh great,
Flora's undecided.
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164. Well, you're just gonna have to
sit there Flora
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165. and think about it until
you come up with an answer.
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166. Okay.
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167. Flora, just say
you vote for Filmore
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168. so we can
all go home.
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169. Um...
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170. No, you want Ike
to be president.
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171. We're gonna be here
all night.
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172. Why don't you guys
just concede?
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173. Yeah!
Yeah!
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174. Why don't you
just concede?
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175. Yeah!
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176. Filmore!
Filmore!
Filmore!
Filmore!
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177. I want Filmore to be—
I want Ike—
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178. Oh, for Christ's sakes,
you're all acting like
a bunch of kids!
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179. Turn left here,
we're getting close!
Get your gun ready.
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180. Eric, I'm not gonna shoot
anybody for taking
your school folder.
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181. It was not a school folder,
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182. it was a Dawson's Creek
Trapper Keeper Futura S-2000!
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183. And if-there he is!
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184. Ah!
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185. Gotcha!
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186. Hey!
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187. Aah!
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188. Whoa, dude.
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189. Oh, try to take my
Trapper Keeper, will you?
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190. Please, you do not
understand.
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191. Book him, Barbrady,
another job well done.
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192. That Trapper Keeper
has to be destroyed.
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193. Why are you so obsessed
with Cartman's Trapper
Keeper, Bill Cosby?
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194. Bill Cosby!
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195. No, listen to me!
I am not really Bill Cosby.
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196. My name is BSM-471.
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197. I am a cyborg engineered by
hu-mans from the year 2034.
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198. Well, I knew you
weren't Bill Cosby.
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199. I have come to destroy
that Trapper Keeper
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200. because it was the Dawson's
Creek Trapper Keeper
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201. that belongs to
an Eric Cartman in South Park
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202. which three years from now
manifests itself into an
omnipotent super being
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203. and destroys
all of hu-manity.
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204. In the year 2004,
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205. a hybrid assimilating computer
linked with a satellite
uplink computer.
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206. From there, it was able to
slowly take over
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207. every computer in the world.
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208. It became stronger
and stronger
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209. until, by the year 2018,
it broke away from mankind
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210. and there was nothing
the hu-mans could do.
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211. It wasn't long before
Mighty Trapper Keeper
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212. started to destroy everything
it saw as useless...
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213. Including humans.
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214. The nations tried everything
to stop it—
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215. nuclear devices,
seismic missiles—
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216. but nothing worked.
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217. The hu-mans built robots of
their own, whole armies of them.
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218. But nothing was strong enough
to stop Trapper Keeper.
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219. And so finally,
the hu-mans decided to send
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220. one of their robots
into the past to destroy
the Trapper Keeper
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221. before it
even got started.
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222. Wow,
that's amazing.
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223. Man, I guess sometimes
we let our technology and
stuff grow too fast.
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224. What do you think,
Officer Barbrady?
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225. Huh-oh, I'm sorry,
I wasn't listening.
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226. And so Eric, now you
see why we must destroy
your Trapper Keeper.
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227. You guys, did I mention
that it has a pencil sharpener
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228. and a crayon sharpener?
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229. Cartman, it takes over the world
and destroys all of humanity!
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230. What would you guys
have me do, huh?
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231. Walk around with just
a plain old trapper
keeper like Kyle's,
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232. is that what you want?
- Yes!
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233. Godammit!
Here, take it!
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234. Do you want
my heart as well?
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235. You'll find it on the
bottom of your shoes!
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236. I decided.
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237. Oh, thank God, Flora.
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238. Alright,
who do you vote for?
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239. Umm, Ike.
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240. Yay!
Yay!
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241. Okay, so then the total
is six votes for Filmore
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242. and now seven votes
for Ike.
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243. Ike is the new
class president.
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244. We want a recount.
- What?
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245. Recount, recount,
recount...
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246. Oh, of all the juvenile things
I've ever heard—
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247. You lost, Filmore,
don't be such a baby!
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248. Alright, alright,
I'll count up the ballots again.
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249. Okay, we had
one vote for Filmore...
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250. And this time I again
get six votes for Filmore
and seven votes for Ike.
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251. Count 'em again.
- Yeah!
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252. No, children,
I've recounted 106 times now
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253. and I keep coming up with
seven to six!
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254. Except in the one instance where
it came out seven to five
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255. and one where it came out
12 to 14.
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256. It's over!
Ike is class president!
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257. Wait, there's still
the absent kid.
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258. Yeah, Carlos is absent,
we have to wait for his vote.
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259. Oh, will you grow up?
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260. Absent kids count,
absent kids count,
absent kids...
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261. Jesus, alright,
we'll wait for tomorrow
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262. so the absent kid can cast
his vote, now go home!
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263. Good morning, hu-mans.
- Hey, Bill Cosby.
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264. I have successfully destroyed
Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper.
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265. I broke it apart,
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266. dipped the motherboards in acid,
burnt the memory chips
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267. and sent the wiring
to the four corners of Canada.
- That should do it.
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268. So what are you gonna do
with your crappy robot life
now, Bill Cosby?
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269. Well, that is a problem
that is causing me some
disconcern-ment.
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270. I am still here,
but I shouldn't be here.
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271. If Trapper Keeper
has been stopped,
then I should not exist,
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272. but here I am.
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273. Something is still
not right.
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274. Hey, dudes.
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275. Cartman, you still got
a Trapper Keeper!
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276. Yeah, I'm a genius.
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277. Last night I went home
and told my mom that
I lost the last one.
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278. Then I cried and I cried,
and finally she felt so bad
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279. that she took me to the store
and bought me a new one.
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280. So everything worked out.
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281. Oh, no!
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282. Cartman, you dumb ass!
You can't get a new one.
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283. Why the hell not?
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284. Because if your Trapper Keeper
takes over the world,
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285. then maybe it was this Trapper
Keeper and not the one before.
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286. So then you guys burnt
my last one for no reason.
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287. We will have to destroy
this Trapper Keeper.
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288. But I don't think I can get
my mom to buy me another one.
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289. Don't you get it?
You can't have any
Trapper Keepers, fat ass!
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290. Oh, that is bull crap!
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291. And you know
what I think?
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292. I think this whole thing
is a setup!
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293. That's right, Kyle got this guy
to say he's a robot
from the future
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294. just because he's jealous
of my Trapper Keeper.
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295. And you know what else?
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296. Screw you guys,
I'm going home.
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297. Cartman!
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298. No-screw you guys.
Home.
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299. Well, that does it.
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300. Hey, what are you doing?
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301. I'm afraid I have
no other choice.
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302. For the sake of humanity
I have to kill him.
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303. Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that's fine.
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304. No, wait!
- What?
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305. Can I do it?
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306. Oh well, I suppose.
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307. Sweet-kiss your ass
good-bye, fat boy!
Copy !req
308. Wait, perhaps
there is another way.
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309. If you could take me to
where Eric Cartman lives,
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310. I could try reasoning
with his human mother.
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311. Well, yeah, or we could
just kill him.
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312. Yeah, that'd be faster.
He's right there.
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313. I'm afraid I can't.
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314. I think I'm actually
starting to feel what you
humans call "compassion".
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315. It is an
amazing feeling.
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316. Ah!
Ah!
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317. Alright, children,
as you know,
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318. we've been waiting for
the absent kid's ballot
to come in.
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319. Well, his mother
was nice enough
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320. to bring him in
from the hospital
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321. so that he could
cast his vote.
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322. Mrs. Harris.
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323. Thank you
very much, Billy.
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324. Don't forget to
pick up your lung.
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325. Alright, the absent kid's
ballot is for... Filmore.
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326. Yay!
Yay!
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327. Wait one minute!
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328. Oh Jesus-
tap-dancing-Christ.
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329. I think the ballots
were misleading.
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330. Some kids didn't understand
who they were voting for.
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331. There's a box next to
Filmore's name
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332. and a box next to Ike's.
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333. What's not to
understand?
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334. You're just saying that
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335. 'cause you know
you're gonna lose now.
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336. No, I'm saying that
because you're
a booger-face!
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337. Well, just you wait,
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338. 'cause my famous aunt is
on her way right now.
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339. Who's your famous aunt?
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340. My Aunt Rosie,
Rosie O'Donnell.
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341. Your Aunt Rosie O'Donnell
is coming here?
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342. Yeah, she's very active
in politics.
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343. She's gonna set
all of this straight.
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344. Oh, no.
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345. Recharging.
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346. Sweet. You're so cool,
Trapper Keeper,
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347. I would never let
those assholes take you away.
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348. Trapper Keeper
ready to insorb.
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349. Oh, cool.
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350. Trapper Keeper merging.
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351. Whoa.
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352. And so you see,
Ms. Cart-man,
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353. you cannot buy your son Eric
another Trapper Keeper.
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354. Not now, not ever!
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355. Right, because it will
hybrid with all those
other processors
Copy !req
356. and generate a whole new era
of technological darkness.
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357. Correct.
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358. Well, I certainly won't
buy him any more then, Bill.
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359. Good, now all
that is left to do
Copy !req
360. is destroy the Trapper Keeper
Eric has now.
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361. Where is he?
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362. In his room.
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363. But, why don't I show you
the rest of the house first.
Copy !req
364. Uh-oh.
- Here we go again.
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365. Come this way, Billy.
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366. Well come on,
let's go upstairs
Copy !req
367. and get Cartman's
Trapper Keeper ourselves.
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368. Kyle is just jealous
of you, Trapper Keeper.
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369. You kick ass!
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370. Open up, Cartman, we're
taking your Trapper Keeper.
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371. Trapper Keeper
ready to insorb.
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372. Heh.
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373. Dammit, Cartman,
open up!
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374. Trapper Keeper
ready for hybrid.
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375. Oh sweet, what's it gonna
hybrid with now?
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376. Cartman, you might
as well open up,
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377. we're just gonna have Bill Cosby
bust the door down
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378. after he finishes having sex
with your mom!
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379. Cartman?
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380. Ahh!
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381. He's not gonna open it,
break it down.
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382. You break it down.
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383. Okay, ready—
1, 2, 3, not it.
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384. Not it.
You lose, Kenny.
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385. Oh!
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386. Oh my God—
they killed Kenny!
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387. You ba-!
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388. Ahh!
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389. Ooh yeah, oh yeah!
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390. What the hell is that?
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391. Oh my God!
What is that thing?
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392. Children, there's some
huge bulbous monstrosity
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393. heading for the classroom!
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394. Oh my God,
it's awful!
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395. It's coming
for the door!
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396. Hello, kids.
- Aunt Rosie.
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397. Run for your lives, children,
I'll try to fight it off!
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398. That's my aunt,
Rosie O'Donnell.
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399. Oh.
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400. Oh, uh, pleasure to
meet you, Ms. Donnell.
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401. You're looking... well.
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402. Don't worry, kids,
everything's gonna be fine.
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403. What's the problem?
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404. Aunt Rosie, we think
I won class president.
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405. No, Ike won.
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406. Look,
it's very simple—
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407. we took a vote
and the vote tied
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408. so now we've gotta
come up with a way—
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409. Well it obviously isn't
that simple, is it?
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410. I mean, you'd think a little
kindergarten teacher
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411. could've handled this,
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412. but now we're gonna
do it my way!
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413. We are Trapper Keeper.
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414. Oh no, it's heading for
Cheyenne Moun-tain.
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415. Why is that bad?
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416. It was when the
Trapper Keeper assimilated
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417. with the supercomputer
at Cheyenne Moun-tain
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418. that it was able to fuse
into our defensive computers.
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419. Then we have to stop it
before it gets there.
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420. Step on it,
Bill Cosby!
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421. Hey Mark, look.
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422. Wow, that is about the nicest
Trapper Keeper I've ever seen.
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423. Cartman,
you have to stop.
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424. We are Trapper Keeper,
we are one.
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425. A part of your friend must
still be alive in there.
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426. He is in there.
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427. That must be what Trapper Keeper
is using for ventilation.
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428. If one of you could
get in there, you could
reach the C.P.U.
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429. 1, 2, 3, not it.
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430. Not it—
Ahh, dammit.
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431. What are you
doing, Kyle?
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432. I'm going to try
and break you away from
the computer, Cartman,
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433. I need to remove
the C.P.U.
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434. I'm afraid I can't
let you do that, Kyle.
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435. Screw you, fat ass!
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436. Hey, screw you.
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437. Cartman!
Ah!
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438. No!
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439. Okay, so then what
we need to do,
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440. is count everybody's vote
by hand.
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441. And after that, we're gonna
go over the votes again
manually and then—
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442. Oh stop it, stop it,
stop it!
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443. Look, kids, we're all in this
kindergarten class together.
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444. We have to
respect one another
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445. or else we're in for
a terrible school year.
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446. We're just making sure
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447. that the kids who voted for
my nephew don't get cheated.
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448. Half the kids in the class
didn't vote for your nephew!
So what about them?
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449. You don't give a crap
about them because
they're not on your side!
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450. People like you preach
tolerance and open-mindedness
all the time,
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451. but when it comes to
middle America
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452. you think we're all evil
and stupid country yokels
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453. who need your
political enlightenment!
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454. Well, just because you're on TV
doesn't mean you know crap
about the government!
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455. Now get your ass
back on first class
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456. and respect this class' right
to make up their own minds!
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457. Oh, sorry, I got a little
off the subject there, kids.
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458. How dare you!
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459. I will not be preached at
by a country bumpkin.
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460. I'm leaving this podunk town,
but in my place
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461. I'm gonna send more lawyers,
statesmen and press
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462. than you have
ever seen!
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463. Oh, no, children, I think I just
made this a whole lot worse.
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464. Ahh!
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465. Whoa!
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466. Well, that does it.
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467. I'm gonna have to
report this.
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468. Guard one to base—
Ahh!
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469. It is infusing
with everything.
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470. It is already
too powerful to stop.
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471. Kyle's got to succeed,
he's just got to.
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472. I can't reach
the C.P.U.
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473. What are you doin'?
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474. Get out of my way.
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475. Oh no, now there's
two of those things.
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476. No, I think that other thing
is Rosie O'Donnell.
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477. Huh? Which one?
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478. It's like
I'm seeing double.
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479. I said,
get out of my way!
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480. Aahhh!
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481. Ew.
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482. Look, I think that infusing
with Rosie O'Donnell
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483. has made
Trapper Keeper sick.
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484. Euhhh... bad pie,
bad pie.
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485. This is your chance, Kyle,
Cartman is weakened.
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486. Got him.
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487. He did it!
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488. Okay, children,
the lawyers for Ike's side
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489. have agreed with the lawyer's
on Filmore's side
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490. to hold another meeting
regarding form 22-f.
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491. Do we all
have that form?
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492. Is this the
kindergarten classroom?
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493. Jesse Jackson?
- That's right.
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494. I believe the African-American
students in your class
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495. were misrepresented.
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496. We don't have any African-
Americans in our class!
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497. Oh-bye.
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498. Alright, so apparently
what we're gonna do now
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499. is hand count
each person's ballot.
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500. Mr. Garrison,
I concede.
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501. You-you what?
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502. I don't wanna play anymore
'cause this game is stupid.
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503. Yeah, it doesn't
make any sense.
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504. Ike, you could be
class president.
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505. I pooped my pants!
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506. Can we finger paint now?
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507. Finger paint!
Finger paint!
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508. Ah-yes, yes,
let's finger paint!
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509. You did it, Kyle.
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510. Kyle saved your life,
fat ass.
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511. Look, I'm fading!
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512. It must of worked,
I don't exist!
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513. Oh, that's a bitch.
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514. Oh, well, I guess
everything's fine now.
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515. So let's go home.
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516. Hey, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Cartman—
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517. All you've been doing
is making fun of Kyle
and now he saved your life.
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518. You at least owe him
a thank you.
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519. Oh, man...
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520. Cartman!
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521. Alright, alright.
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522. Kyle...
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