South Park 4x1

1. Mom, Mom!

2. Mom, seriously, something wonderful has happened!

3. What is it, snookums?

4. Mom, look. The Tooth Fairy.

5. I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me $2.

6. She's only given me a lousy quarter before.

7. Oh, my.

8. She must think that you are a very special little muffin.

9. Yeah, this is so tits!

10. Don't say tits, Eric.

11. Oh, I mean, this is so cool!

12. Well, perhaps now you should take that money

13. and open up a savings account

14. that has compounded daily interest.

15. You can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom.

16. I'm going to the toy store and buy me a skateboard.

17. But, Eric, I think maybe the Tooth Fairy

18. wants you to use that money to learn about saving.

19. Mom, you don't know what the Tooth Fairy

20. wants me to do with this money, okay?

21. You're not the Tooth Fairy. I'll see you later.

22. Oh, man, this is so tits!

23. You guys, you're not going to believe this!

24. Oh, my god, you guys, seriously!

25. Just wait until you hear this, you guys!

26. I'm rich, I'm totally rich!

27. Aren't you stoked?

28. What the hell's wrong with Cartman?

29. He's fat and he's stupid?

30. Look at what the Tooth Fairy left me last night.

31. $2. - No way.

32. For one tooth? - For one tooth.

33. Dude, every time I lost a tooth, I only got a quarter.

34. I only got a jar of gefilte fish.

35. Well, that doesn't matter,

36. because I have an idea that is totally tits.

37. Totally what?

38. Look, I don't know why the Tooth Fairy's

39. being so cool to me.

40. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know.

41. But if we all chip in with teeth,

42. then I can hide them under my pillow,

43. and we can get enough money to buy a Sega Dreamcast.

44. Sega Dreamcast?

45. All we need is teeth.

46. I already lost all my baby teeth.

47. Me too.

48. Mm-mm.

49. You still have baby teeth, Kenny?

50. No way! - Kenny, think about it.

51. Don't you want a Sega Dreamcast?

52. Alright, Kenny's in, you guys!

53. Tits!

54. Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's tooth.

55. You ready over there?

56. Almost.

57. You ready, Timmy? - Timmy!

58. When I say go, you slam

59. your electric wheelchair into high gear.

60. Okay, Timmy? - Timmy!

61. Right, you're Timmy. - Timmy, labalayah!

62. I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny.

63. Because your family is poor

64. and therefore has bad oral hygiene,

65. so your teeth are going to fall out someday anyway.

66. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us.

67. "Oh, thank you guys."

68. You're welcome, Kenny. - Fuck you!

69. Alright, get ready, Timmy. - Timmy!

70. Hey guys, what are you doing?

71. What does it look like we're doing, Butters?

72. We need a tooth, so we're using

73. Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's.

74. Oh, hey, I got a loose tooth right here.

75. - You what? - You what?

76. Timmy! - Yep.

77. One of mine came out not two hours ago.

78. Uh, Butters, could we have it?

79. Well, heck, no, you can't have it.

80. Why, I'm going to stick it under my pillow

81. and get money from the Tooth Fairy.

82. She gives me 50 cents a tooth.

83. Well, I'll see you, fellas.

84. Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth

85. out of Kenny's mouth.

86. Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.

87. Whoo-hoo! - How we gonna get it from him?

88. I guess we'll have to sneak into his house

89. after he goes to sleep tonight.

90. Yeah, let's go. - Go, Timmy, go!

91. Yaaah, Timmy!

92. No, Timmy, wait! - Timmy!

93. Oof!

94. You guys, I can see Kenny's little ping-a-ling.

95. Waaah!

96. Higher, you guys.

97. Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there?

98. Ah! Careful, you assholes!

99. To the left, you guys, left.

100. No, camera left, camera left.

101. That's it. Now down.

102. What the? Who's there?

103. Who is that?

104. I am the Tooth Fairy, my child.

105. Oh, sorry, Miss Fairy, I didn't mean to gaze at you.

106. I'm back asleep now. See?

107. Yes, now I will leave you tidings under your pillow.

108. Oh, gosh, I didn't think you'd be so fat.

109. Hey! - Come on, fat-ass.

110. Do not open your eyes until morning,

111. or else I will kick you in the nuts,

112. square in the nuts.

113. Yes, ma'am.

114. Well?

115. Bull's-eye.

116. I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.

117. No, honey, mommy's got to save her throat.

118. I have to work tonight.

119. Okay. Good night.

120. What do you have there, Eric?

121. Another tooth fell out today.

122. I'm leaving it for the Tooth Fairy.

123. Oh, my, the Tooth Fairy will have to give you a big surprise

124. for losing two teeth in two days.

125. I know, huh?

126. You guys, oh, my God, you guys!

127. You're not going to believe it!

128. It's beyond rational thought, you guys!

129. Holy crap, you guys!

130. Did the tooth fairy come? - $4.

131. Oh, my God! - Wow!

132. Do you guys know what this means?

133. Yeah, we just got to keep finding teeth

134. and putting them under your pillow.

135. Dentist's office.

136. Oh, hello. Dr. Roberts?

137. It's Miss Cartman.

138. Oh, yes, Miss Cartman, what can I do for you?

139. Well, it's my son.

140. He's lost a lot of his baby teeth,

141. and I was starting to get worried.

142. Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, Miss Cartman.

143. How many has he lost?

144. About 112.

145. 112?

146. Yes. 15 of them in one night.

147. Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?

148. Your son wouldn't happen to be an alligator, would he?

149. No? Hmm, I see.

150. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now.

151. The American Dental Association Convention is this week.

152. But as soon as I get back, I'll look into it.

153. Oh, thank you.

154. Freebie next week!

155. What?

156. Ti—

157. Tooth?

158. What the hell?

159. Mom! - Yes, Eric?

160. The stupid Tooth Fairy forgot to bring me money last night.

161. Call the police. - Oh, Eric, poopie, sit down.

162. Mommy has something to tell you.

163. It's just that...

164. Well, there is no Tooth Fairy, Eric.

165. I've been putting all that money under your pillow.

166. And because you've had so many teeth fall out,

167. I've actually run out of money and can't go

168. to the grocery store for at least a month.

169. You almost had me for a second there, Mom.

170. There's no tooth fairy.

171. I suppose you're going to tell me

172. there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus either.

173. Mom?

174. I'm sorry, Eric.

175. All children find out sooner or later.

176. You—you're serious here.

177. There really is no Tooth Fairy?

178. No, honey, it's just—

179. How could—how could you lie to me, Mother?

180. Lie right to my face.

181. Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.

182. How can I trust you?

183. How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother?

184. I guess that to make it in this life,

185. I can only trust myself.

186. Myself and Willikins Bear, of course.

187. Eric. Eric, wait.

188. No, Mother! No more lies!

189. Dude, where's the money? - There is no money.

190. No more money?

191. What are you talking about, Cartman?

192. We're only $167 away from getting a Sega.

193. I know. - Cartman, what's going on?

194. You guys...

195. Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this.

196. Tell us what?

197. You guys, there's—there's no Tooth Fairy, you guys.

198. There, I said it.

199. What do you mean there's no Tooth Fairy?

200. My mom's been giving us the money all this time.

201. And your parents are the ones who left you money.

202. Dude. - That can't be.

203. My parents wouldn't lie to me.

204. But now my mom's given us so much money

205. that she's bankrupt, and we're poor like Kenny.

206. Don't touch me, Kenny. - You're wrong!

207. If my dad says something is real,

208. then it's real.

209. Kyle, open your eyes, man.

210. It's not true!

211. Oh, hello, son.

212. Dad, there is so a Tooth Fairy, huh?

213. What? Oh.

214. Kyle, let's have a little talk.

215. Oh my god, you did lie to me!

216. No, Kyle, she's just make-believe,

217. like Peter Pan.

218. Peter Pan too?

219. Kyle— what about Moses and Abraham?

220. Well, they were probably real.

221. Probably? Is Atlantis real?

222. Probably not.

223. But, Kyle, adults make up those things

224. because they're fun for children.

225. Fun for children? Fun for children?

226. Look at me, dad.

227. I don't even know what's real anymore, yaaahhh!

228. Man, I can't believe all our parents

229. lied to us about the Tooth Fairy.

230. What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?

231. No, man. That's just a TV show.

232. You guys, you guys, I figured it out!

233. What, that your parents lied to you too?

234. Yeah, but it's okay.

235. We can still get our Sega Dreamcast.

236. How?

237. Look, the Tooth Fairy is all made up, right?

238. All made up, not real. Nothing's real.

239. So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house,

240. put our tooth under his pillow,

241. wait for his parents to leave him a whole butt load of money,

242. and then sneak back in and take it.

243. Whoo-hoo!

244. The kid'll never even know.

245. Oh, dude, that is tits!

246. I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!

247. Oh my God, what if I'm not real?

248. We can take the bus to the city.

249. There's super-rich people down there.

250. Yeah!

251. I mean, what if I'm just

252. part of my parents' reality?

253. Come on, Kyle.

254. What if this is all just somebody's dream?

255. Wow, look at the size of these houses.

256. Told you, dude, Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver.

257. I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth

258. from the "Tooth Fairy."

259. Hey, that house looks perfect.

260. There's obviously kids living there.

261. Here, you can tell this is the kid's window

262. 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it.

263. Cartman, once you're in the kid's room,

264. leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out.

265. We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money,

266. then swing you back in the house to grab it.

267. Got it.

268. This is the smartest business venture ever.

269. What the?

270. Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

271. We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow,

272. then come back and collect the Tooth Fairy money

273. that his parents leave him.

274. Hey, you can't do that. - Why not?

275. Because that's what we're doing.

276. Yeah, you ripped off our idea.

277. What the hell are you talking about?

278. We've been doing this for over two years.

279. Two years? - Nice tooth fairy costume.

280. You think anybody'd believe you in that?

281. It's better than your dress.

282. You look like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare.

283. How dare you!

284. Look, this is our turf.

285. You better scram before the boss breaks your legs.

286. You scram. We were here first.

287. What's going on?

288. Oh, it's the Tooth Fairies.

289. Oh, nice going. Now you woke him up.

290. You woke him up.

291. I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies,

292. but I have been a very good boy.

293. - Shut up! - Alright, that does it.

294. Come on, we're going to see the boss.

295. Who's the boss?

296. Loogie.

297. My associates here tell me

298. you were working Cherry Creek tonight.

299. Is that true? - Uh, yeah.

300. Right on our turf, boss.

301. I ain't never seen that kind of disre—

302. We were there first!

303. Kids have been doing the Tooth Fairy racket

304. in this town for years.

305. I do it just like my big brother before me

306. and my oldest brother before that.

307. Damn it, and we thought we were so original.

308. Let me ask you something.

309. You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow.

310. Then what? - What do you mean?

311. How are the kid's parents gonna know

312. there was a tooth under their child's pillow?

313. Ha!

314. You guys don't even know how the tooth trade works.

315. What's a tooth trade?

316. Look, any schmuck can sneak through a window

317. wearing a pretty dress.

318. The tooth racket is much more involved.

319. We keep careful track of what houses we've hit

320. so that we don't hit the same one twice

321. in less than two months.

322. Inside the house, we not only have to sneak

323. a tooth under the pillow,

324. but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see.

325. This is how we let the parents know

326. to leave money under the pillow.

327. Once the notes have been placed in the last house,

328. we start all over, going back to the first house.

329. But this time, all we have to do

330. is collect money.

331. And the kids never know what hit them.

332. Wow.

333. The hardest part is getting teeth.

334. We try various places:

335. cemeteries,

336. hockey games,

337. anywhere we can find them.

338. No!

339. The teeth we do manage to acquire

340. are then sorted according to size, color, and quality.

341. But there's never enough teeth.

342. Never enough.

343. Amazing.

344. Man, that is tits!

345. And now my only problem is,

346. what do I do with you?

347. Tell you what, how would you like

348. to run the South Park tooth racket for me?

349. Oh. I don't know.

350. It's that, or else I can cut off your penises.

351. Hmm, work for you?

352. Have my penis cut off?

353. Work for you? Have my penis cut off?

354. Let's see. - Cartman!

355. How much do we get if we work for you?

356. I'll cut you in at 2%.

357. 2%?

358. Have my penis cut off? 2%--

359. We're in.

360. Fellow dentists, as you all know,

361. we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth

362. from all over the country.

363. There are also reports of missing Tooth Fairy money.

364. We believe that there can be only one logical reason

365. for all of this.

366. A giant half-chicken, half-squirrel

367. that steals either teeth or money

368. from children as they sleep in order to build

369. some kind of giant nest for its genetically superior

370. and potentially dangerous offspring.

371. We believe also that this creature would have at least

372. a mild understanding of algebra

373. and that it—

374. Uh, excuse me, I think I have a more logical theory.

375. Well—well, by all means, Mr. Foley,

376. enlighten us.

377. I think what we've got here

378. is some kind of black market tooth racket,

379. something where one group is stealing the money and teeth

380. from another group for a profit.

381. Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds.

382. It's not ridiculous.

383. It's very possible.

384. I've seen it happen before.

385. Where? In Montreal.

386. And where, pray, is this

387. Montreal?

388. Look, I know how to handle this.

389. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin,

390. and the rest will fall.

391. You'll see.

392. I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks.

393. Very well, Mr. Foley,

394. you go on your wild goose chase.

395. And meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand.

396. I will.

397. Anyway...

398. The half-chicken, half-squirrel

399. would most likely be about 3 to 41/2 feet tall.

400. His large beak is probably detachable,

401. and works as a flotation device.

402. Hello there, children.

403. Hey, Chef.

404. We all want double desserts today.

405. Oh, well, I'm afraid

406. that the school charges extra for that.

407. Yeah, well, that ain't nothin' but a thang.

408. Oh, my God.

409. There's got to be at least $15 here.

410. That's right. Keep the change, my man.

411. Well, look at you cute little crackers,

412. with your money and your fancy clothes

413. and your cell phones.

414. It's almost like you are—

415. Oh my God!

416. Children, what have I told you about drugs?

417. That there's a time and a place for everything

418. and it's called college.

419. That's right.

420. And the only thing worse than doing drugs

421. is dealing drugs.

422. I'm going to tell you about when I was your age

423. and got offered drugs.

424. Ooh, come on, now. - Hey, kid.

425. You want to try some dope? - What?

426. Come on, kid, don't you want to get high?

427. Hey, man, I don't need dope.

428. Let me sing you a little song.

429. What the hell is he talking about?

430. Uh, Chef?

431. Chef! - Huh?

432. We're not dealing drugs.

433. You're not? - No.

434. Oh, well, children, whatever you're doing,

435. just remember this:

436. having money may seem fun, but—

437. Oh, never mind.

438. - Thanks, Chef. - See ya.

439. Damn, that little Amanda was fine.

440. I got to look her up.

441. Dude, having this much money is great.

442. Working for Loogie rules.

443. Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie?

444. We know how the trade works.

445. Why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?

446. We can't do that, dude; Loogie will kick our asses.

447. Oh, what the hell is that little Polack gonna do, huh?

448. Come on, you guys, I say we create our own mob crime family.

449. Dude, this book says there could be

450. infinite alternate realities to every reality.

451. Shut up, Kyle.

452. They're what? They're not gonna pay me?

453. Who the hell do they think they are?

454. I want those South Park kids dead.

455. I want their families dead.

456. I want their houses burned to the ground.

457. Oh, hi, there, mister.

458. My mommy and daddy are out front if you need them.

459. Let's cut the crap, kid.

460. My name is Tom Foley.

461. I'm with the American Dental Association.

462. Sit down, Mr. Foley.

463. You want some spaghetti?

464. No, thanks.

465. I just brushed.

466. I just wanted to let you know that I'm on to you.

467. I told the A.D.A. a thousand times.

468. I know nothing about teeth.

469. I'm just an eight-year-old boy

470. who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.

471. I am going to find out who the boss is.

472. And when I do, I'm going to bust his ass

473. and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass.

474. So you've brought me 400 pounds of teeth from China?

475. That's right, yeah; it's all top-grade stuff too.

476. These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?

477. How much?

478. Well, Tang Lee wants 30,

479. but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeah?

480. What do you say, huh?

481. Can I ask you a question, Weasel?

482. Well—well—well, sure, sure.

483. Do you think I'm an idiot?

484. Huh?

485. These are cat teeth, you son of a bitch!

486. You trying to sell me 400 pounds of cat teeth?

487. Get out of my sight!

488. Lousy little scum.

489. What?

490. This is your last chance, kid.

491. Either you give the boss his cut,

492. or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river

493. wearing concrete galoshes.

494. I ain't giving you crap.

495. Kenny's not afraid of you.

496. Oh my god, this book says

497. that negative and positive are the same thing,

498. that real and not real are one.

499. He's not gonna do it?

500. He's not gonna do it?

501. He's not gonna do it, boss.

502. Well, then, throw him in.

503. All right, kid, time to die.

504. Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?

505. To which Ms. Clinton replied,

506. "I don't even like vagina."

507. Finally tonight, a human interest story.

508. Dan Akawa is live.

509. Thanks, Tom.

510. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich.

511. Billy is in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant,

512. or he will most certainly die.

513. Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant?

514. $600—

515. Louder, Billy, we can't hear you!

516. $600. - Wow, that's a lot of money.

517. How the hell are you gonna get all that

518. in the short amount of time you have left?

519. I don't know.

520. Well, Billy, I also understand that you lost a tooth today.

521. Billy, we want you to put that tooth

522. under your pillow tonight,

523. because we have a feeling that the Tooth Fairy

524. is going to leave you

525. $600 for it.

526. Really? - Really?

527. Yes, really, $600.

528. I might also mention that Billy lives

529. in Crestview Apartments just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street.

530. Back to you, Tom.

531. How was that?

532. Perfect. The trap is set.

533. Oh, come on, you really think anyone

534. will fall for something that stupid?

535. $600, you guys!

536. Come on, get your stuff together.

537. This is gonna be tits!

538. Dude, this book says that I don't exist

539. unless I think I do, but what if I don't?

540. Will somebody take those books away from him?

541. Be sure to put your loose tooth

542. under your pillow, Billy.

543. Okay, Mom.

544. Thank you for helping, gentlemen.

545. If this sting operation works,

546. some bogus tooth fairy should be showing up

547. to take the sick kid's money.

548. When they touch the kid's pillow,

549. an alarm will sound.

550. And that's when you hit the button, Murphy,

551. and activate the lights.

552. - Everybody got it? - Got it.

553. Duh, which button do I hit again, boss?

554. Just kidding.

555. You know how there's always the dumb guy

556. in sting operations in the movies?

557. I was just—you know, I was just acting—

558. I just like—yeah—oh.

559. Hurry up, you guys; we got to get

560. that sick kid's Tooth Fairy money before Loogie does.

561. I can't deal with it, Stan.

562. I mean, all this stuff I've been reading,

563. I really don't think I exist.

564. Dude, just stop thinking about it.

565. But I can't, because what if thinking about it

566. is the only thing keeping my space-time together?

567. Help! Hey, you guys, over here!

568. Sometimes I think I can see time slowing down

569. and my own existence fading.

570. Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

571. Alright, everyone keep your eyes peeled.

572. I'm going to bed now, Mommy.

573. I put my tooth under the pillow.

574. Do you really think the Tooth Fairy

575. will give me money for the transplant?

576. I think so, Billy. I think so.

577. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again.

578. Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait

579. a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine.

580. Light is a wave unless it's observed.

581. That means all matter is just a wave.

582. Nothing's real.

583. Reality and—oh, God, it's happening!

584. Kyle?

585. Hey, something strange is happening with the computers.

586. Well, well, well, what do we have here?

587. Oh, shit.

588. Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever?

589. Klosky, put this butt wipe out of his misery.

590. I got it. The Tooth Fairy!

591. Let's move out!

592. Well, crap.

593. Give it up, kids.

594. You're surrounded by dentists.

595. It was a trap. - That's right.

596. And now it's all exposed. You're through.

597. The only thing left to do

598. is haul all you kids down to prison.

599. This is reality.

600. I am everywhere and nowhere.

601. What the hell?

602. Kyle?

603. I am nothing

604. and everything.

605. Aha! I told you.

606. Let's get out of here!

607. Huh. That was pretty weird.

608. Jesus!

609. The little sick kid was a setup all along.

610. How could I be so stupid? - What?

611. I can't believe I fell for such an obvious trap.

612. What the hell's wrong with me?

613. Well, don't take it too hard, dude.

614. That's what grown-ups do; they lie.

615. Lie right to your face.

616. Oh, well, maybe it's good my empire has fallen.

617. Really? - Yeah.

618. I kind of wanted to play on

619. the flag football team this year, anyways.

620. So you're not going to hurt us or nothing?

621. No, in a way, I'm just glad the whole thing's over with.

622. Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today.

623. You see, the basis of all reasoning

624. is the mind's awareness of itself.

625. What we think,

626. the external objects we perceive,

627. are all like actors that come on and offstage.

628. But our consciousness, the stage itself,

629. is always present to us.

630. Tits.

631. Timmy!