South Park 3x5

Directed by Trey Parker

Toddy Walters as Mall Hankey's Helper (voice) • Pam Brady as Woman • Sarah Kane as Grandma • George Brandon as Uncle Corey

The boys take Shop class and try to set-up a fight between Tweek and Craig. Kenny is delighted in safely taking the Home Economics course. When the big fight arrives, the combatants don't know what to do; so Jimbo and Ned teach Tweek boxing and Cartman has Craig instructed in the art of Sumo. Shop teacher Mr. Adler has a recurring dream about a woman that he was never able to say goodbye to.

Request examples:

!req South Park 3x5 [02:32]
!req South Park 3x5 [South Park 3x5]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req South Park 3x5 [10-11]; !req South Park 3x5 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. This is Shop Class.

2. My name is Mr. Adler.

3. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork,

4. you will be learning how to make things.

5. Now, does anybody know why you are in Shop Class?

6. Yes?

7. 'Cause we had to choose between this and Home Ec

8. and we didn't want to be sissies?

9. Wrong!

10. You are here, because you are America's future.

11. You may someday be doctors or lawyers or scientists...

12. Most of you, however,

13. will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal.

14. And that's why we have... Shop Class.

15. Ohhh.

16. Now let me make one thing crystal clear...

17. I don't like kids that screw around.

18. You screw around in Shop Class...

19. You can lose a hand or an eye.

20. I have...

21. I have... I have...

22. Mr. Adler? - Huh?

23. Oh, uh... I was just saying that I want to know

24. who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?

25. Tweek is! - Agh, no I'm not!

26. Yeah you are Tweek, you always get in trouble.

27. Agh!

28. Uh, hello excuse me,

29. but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class.

30. That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?

31. No. - Well, you better not be, because in Shop Class—

32. Hey! Did you just flip me off?

33. No. - Yes, you did!

34. Told ya! - Dude, Shop Class sucks.

35. Maybe we should've taken Home Ec.

36. No way, dude, Home Ec is for girls!

37. Welcome to Home Ec.

38. For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew,

39. clean and make things that are lacy and pretty.

40. Woo-hoo! - Yes, Wendy?

41. I requested to be in Shop Class but they sent me here.

42. That's right, Wendy.

43. You see, some of you girls will go on to have

44. interesting jobs and careers.

45. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that,

46. because you can marry a nice man.

47. And that's why we have Home Ec!

48. Woo-hoo!

49. I wonder why Kenny didn't want to take Shop Class?

50. I don't know, he's such a wuss!

51. Hey, don't screw around.

52. You screw around too much.

53. Y'know you guys are totally wrong about Tweek.

54. Craig is way worse than he is.

55. No he's not dude, Craig is a wuss.

56. Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight,

57. Craig would kick Tweek's ass.

58. You wanna bet? - Yeah, I'll bet!

59. How much? - Five bucks.

60. You're on! - Agh!

61. Hey, Tweek. - Agh!

62. Dude, Craig chooses you, he wants to fight.

63. He does? - Yeah, he's all pissed off at you.

64. So will you fight him? - Why?

65. Dude, because.

66. You have to stand up for yourself.

67. So will you fight him?

68. Agh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.

69. Craig, can I talk to you real quick?

70. Just for a second, please.

71. Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing but...

72. Well, I was just standing over by Tweek,

73. and he called you a big poopeater.

74. He did? - Yeah, he said you eat poop,

75. and that it makes your breath smell like poop,

76. and that, well, you like it.

77. Why would he say that?

78. I don't know, Craig, I don't know.

79. But now he's over there telling everybody

80. that you're a poopeater and he chooses you.

81. Well, I'm gonna go over there and—

82. No, no, Craig, you can't fight him here,

83. Mr. Adler will just break it up.

84. Tell you what, I'll go tell him you accept his challenge,

85. and set it up for after school today.

86. Okay.

87. There you see, he just flipped you off!

88. Agh! What a jerk!

89. He's really got it out for you, dude.

90. Why? What did I do?

91. So do you agree to fight him after school?

92. I guess so. - Super, see ya there!

93. Catch me, Richard!

94. Ha ha ha ha...

95. I'm so in love with you, Richard.

96. I made you some cookies, Richard!

97. Merry Christmas, Richard.

98. Ha ha ha, oh, Richard...

99. Say we'll be this happy forever.

100. Ahhhhh!

101. Richard!

102. Arhhh!

103. Oh, why... why?

104. Mr. Adler! Mr. Adler?

105. Huh?

106. Stop screwin' around!

107. The bell rang, can we go?

108. Oh, well, sure.

109. Uh, class dismissed.

110. Come on, you guys!

111. This is gonna be sweet, dude!

112. You guys are so wrong about Tweek.

113. He's gonna get his ass kicked.

114. We'll see.

115. Why don't we just raise our bet to $10.

116. You're on, fat ass.

117. Well, well, well, look who's here.

118. Our little Home Economics friend, Kenny.

119. Mph rm rmph rm rmph rm.

120. How come you wanna take Home Ec, Kenny?

121. Yeah, that's not cool, dude.

122. Bye, Kenny! See ya tomorrow!

123. Hey, what's going on?

124. Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.

125. Really? Cool!

126. It's funny, cuz Tweek and Craig both went home

127. about 15 minutes ago.

128. What! - Yeah, they left.

129. Aw, hell!

130. Those sons-a-bitches!

131. I guess they don't want to fight.

132. Oh, they want to fight!

133. They just don't know it yet!

134. Tweek! - Tweek!

135. Agh! What do you guys want?

136. How come you didn't show up to the fight, Tweek?

137. Craig and I have no reason to fight each other!

138. Well, Craig showed up.

139. He did?

140. Yeah, he was standing there waiting for you.

141. And he was all like, "man, Tweek's a wuss"

142. and we were all like, "no he's not, Craig"

143. and he was all like, "yeah he is, he isn't showing up,

144. he's a big wuss and he has crooked teeth."

145. I don't have crooked teeth.

146. And then Craig was all like, "Tweek is scared of me!

147. He's a big chicken!"

148. And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken...

149. And everybody in the world saw it.

150. Everyone in the world? Agh!

151. Yeah, it was weak.

152. I'm not a chicken!

153. Well everyone in the world thinks you are.

154. See ya, Tweek. - Wait! I'll fight!

155. Tomorrow? - Okay.

156. Craig, what the hell are you doing home?

157. You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek.

158. Red Racer's on.

159. Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week.

160. I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!

161. Well, that's fine.

162. I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

163. Nope.

164. Goddammit...

165. I guess you don't care what Tweek said about your guinea pig.

166. What?

167. What did he say about Stripe?

168. Oh nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed.

169. That son-of-a-bitch I'll kill him!

170. Yeah, I'd be pissed, too.

171. So maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?

172. After Red Racer!

173. After Red Racer, of course.

174. How was school today, son?

175. Agh!

176. That's great.

177. Dad, if some kid at school wants to fight me...

178. What should I do?

179. Son, let me tell you a little story

180. about when your mother and I first met...

181. You see, a long time ago

182. there were a lot of guys who were after your mother,

183. she used to be very attractive.

184. It's true, I was.

185. Well, when I started courting your mother,

186. there was this big muscular football player named "Quib"

187. who didn't take too kindly to me.

188. He wanted your mother all to himself.

189. And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight.

190. Well? - Well what, honey?

191. Agh! What happened?

192. Oh, I don't know, he moved away or something.

193. Yes, I think that's right.

194. Aghagh! You guys never help me!

195. Your stories never go anywhere, I hate it.

196. I want out, I want out!

197. Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.

198. With who? - Some kid.

199. Oh.

200. Don't just "oh" him, Thomas!

201. Yeah, don't just "oh" me.

202. I'll "oh" whoever I want!

203. Well, that was fun, Pearl.

204. See ya later.

205. Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?

206. Why?

207. Well, I thought maybe you would

208. at least attempt to make love to me tonight.

209. Oh well, I... I can't. I left the oven on.

210. Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me, why?

211. I just... I can't!

212. I... Oh, I know, I have genital warts.

213. We'll use plastic wrap.

214. Nope, sorry, maybe some other time.

215. Swing me, Richard, swing me higher!

216. I want to touch the sky, Richard!

217. Richard, I'm here...

218. Just now.

219. Oh, Richard, it's beautiful!

220. Yes, yes.

221. But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.

222. I have a surprise for you.

223. Don't worry Richard, I'm a pilot.

224. It's what I do.

225. Aaaghgh!

226. Richard!

227. Richard.

228. Aaaghggh!

229. Oh god... What am I going to do?

230. Okay, so, just to set the record straight here,

231. the fight will be happening, out by the tetherball pole at 3:30.

232. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.

233. Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?

234. How ever long Craig wants it to last.

235. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

236. Make no mistake.

237. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one.

238. He doesn't even view it as a challenge.

239. He'll view it as a challenge

240. when he's getting his ass kicked!

241. Did you hear that— it sounds like diarrhea

242. coming out of someone's mouth or something.

243. Shut up, fat ass!

244. Don't call me fat you son-of-a-bitch!

245. Wow, Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh?

246. This should be a good fight.

247. On your first date, look at the man's shoes.

248. Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has

249. just by his shoes.

250. When he takes you out to dinner,

251. try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you.

252. If he only has one credit card, beware.

253. It means he doesn't spend a lot,

254. and worse yet, it could be a debit card.

255. If he has more than four credit cards,

256. that's a little fishy.

257. The perfect number of credit cards

258. for a man to have is... two.

259. Yes, Bebe.

260. What if we meet a guy

261. who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer,

262. but is still getting his degree?

263. Dump that zero and get yourself a hero.

264. He could earning that degree all his life

265. while you starve to death

266. with two dying babies sucking at your teets.

267. When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy

268. the sweetest big-screen TV in the world.

269. That's more than ten bucks,

270. you stupid fat ass.

271. Well, if I get ten bucks from each of you,

272. that's like $2,000.

273. Hey, quit screwing around back there!

274. You're horsin'!

275. Richard...

276. Richard...

277. If you build it...

278. Swing me, Richard, swing me higher!

279. Richard, I'm here...

280. Oh Richard, it's beautiful.

281. Yes.

282. But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.

283. I have a surprise for you.

284. Don't worry, Richard, I'm a pilot.

285. It's all for you.

286. Aaaghgh!

287. Richard!

288. Mr. Adler?

289. Mr. Adler!

290. Huh, what?

291. Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander.

292. The belt sander?

293. Tommy, I told you not to screw around

294. with the belt sander, didn't I?

295. Well, go on, go see the nurse.

296. She'll give you some peroxide.

297. What's that?

298. Huh?

299. This is a woman that I knew a long time ago.

300. What'd she die or something?

301. Wha—hey! Go on!

302. You're screwin' around in here!

303. Oh boy, here we go!

304. What's happening?

305. Tweek's gonna fight Craig.

306. Oh, cool!

307. Stay pissed, Tweek, stay pissed.

308. Alright, here we go!

309. Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy.

310. You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.

311. No I won't because you'd eat 'em first, tubby.

312. Well?

313. Come on!

314. Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!

315. What do we do?

316. Huh?

317. What do you mean, just fight each other!

318. How? - How?

319. I've never been in a fight before. - Me neither!

320. Aww!

321. Aw, dude, come on!

322. You just hit each other, smack each other around!

323. Not like that!

324. Like what then?

325. Alright, alright, screw this—

326. We'll have to postpone the fight

327. so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight.

328. Aww!

329. All that build-up for nothing!

330. Yeah, Christ, I could've been home by now!

331. Alright Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight

332. and Cartman, you teach Craig.

333. I don't think that's very fair.

334. If I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek.

335. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my Uncle Jimbo

336. teach Tweek how to box!

337. Oooh, boxing, scary, you guys!

338. I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!

339. Fine, we'll see you back here tomorrow!

340. Fine! - Fine!

341. Fine, that's fine.

342. Alrighty, Tweek.

343. My little nephew Stanley has asked me

344. to teach you the fine points of boxing!

345. Agh!

346. You're in luck.

347. Ned here used to be the state champion

348. until a grenade blew his arm off.

349. I can still kick ass.

350. Now, Tweek... Boxing is a man sport.

351. There is nothing in the world more man, than boxing.

352. It is man at his most man.

353. So when you spar with Ned, here,

354. just dig deep into that most man part of you.

355. Wah!

356. Well enough of the lectures!

357. Let's get to boxing!

358. Agh!

359. What you got, bi-atch?

360. Keep your guard up, Tweek!

361. Aah! - Damnit!

362. Come on, Tweek he's only got one arm!

363. Alright, it looks like we'll have to apply

364. the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek, here...

365. What you got, bi-atch?

366. Punch him in the balls, Tweek!

367. Atta boy! Now quick,

368. get him again while he's down!

369. Owwwwww!

370. Good, now kick his balls!

371. There see?

372. You got him coughing up blood!

373. Hooray!

374. Agh!

375. Now that's boxing!

376. Your friend has brought you to learn the ancient art of sumo.

377. You must learn the discipline and respect.

378. In sumo, your body must be like a stone,

379. and your mind like a meatloaf.

380. Meatloaf?

381. The object is simply to push opponent out of circle.

382. Is opponent ready?

383. I'm ready.

384. Yeah, I like this hair thing, this is cool.

385. Let us begin.

386. Ready... and... begin!

387. Respect my authority!

388. Body like stone!

389. Mind like meatloaf!

390. Ooh, come on, na!

391. Oh, Jesus, I can't take it!

392. Aagh!

393. Fight back, resist the ass!

394. How can I resist an ass so great?

395. It is only an ass!

396. You must overcome the ass with your mind!

397. This ass is unlike any I have encountered, master—

398. I win!

399. There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric.

400. Perhaps you should consider sumo as a profession.

401. Hey, maybe!

402. No... no... make it stop...

403. Oh Richard, say we'll be this happy forever!

404. But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard.

405. I have a surprise for you.

406. Don't worry, Richard, I'm a pilot.

407. Watch me, Richard!

408. Aaahhh!

409. Richard!

410. Arggghh!

411. I never got to say goodbye.

412. I never got to say goodbye!

413. Oh, no!

414. Oh no, now what do I do?

415. Okay... that was very good, class.

416. Now let's try this one together:

417. "Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?"

418. Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?

419. Alright, now let's try this one together

420. "Lisa Smith's husband

421. just bought her a new car..."

422. Lisa Smith's husband just bought her a new car...

423. Good, Bebe, why don't you try this one:

424. "I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life."

425. I think a trip to Hawaii

426. would really improve our sex life.

427. Outstanding, now... Kenny.

428. How about you try:

429. "I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed."

430. Mph rmph rm rmphrmphm... rmph rm rmph rm rm rmph.

431. Okay... Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?

432. Mph rm.

433. Kenny, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but...

434. I'm not sure Home Economics is right for you.

435. Mph?

436. Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory

437. your sewing skills are below average and...

438. frankly, I don't think the odds of you

439. marrying a nice, rich man in the future are very, well...

440. good.

441. Mph mm?

442. No, I think you should consider transferring to Shop Class.

443. Mph rm!

444. Now, now, very few students are severely injured in Shop Class.

445. Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph rmph!

446. C'mon, it's time for the fight! - Yeah!

447. Fight? Oh no, no, no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?

448. Okay, the time has finally come!

449. Programs, get your programs here, programs!

450. Remember, Tweek, punch hard, punch low.

451. Agh! - This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek!

452. Agh, mean, agh!

453. The spirit of the dragon is in your hands.

454. Alright? - Okay.

455. Now listen to me!

456. Alright, and seriously!

457. Per shang der pong quang chong!

458. Okay, okay!

459. Argh!

460. You ready, Tweek?

461. You ready, Craig?

462. Let's get it on!

463. Respect my authority.

464. Come on, Tweek!

465. Come on, Craig!

466. "To Whom it May Concern,

467. "I can no longer live without her.

468. "I could not say goodbye to her,

469. "and so now I must say goodbye to all of you!

470. "for I am all out of nicotine gum.

471. "Sincerely yours, Richard Adler... Shop Class.

472. "P.S. Don't screw around.

473. You all screw around too much."

474. Goodbye, cruel world.

475. Jesus Christ!

476. What was I thinking?

477. That would'a hurt like hell!

478. Yeah Craig, c'mon, kick his ass!

479. Come on, Tweek, you got him!

480. Whoa, Tweek, did you hear that?

481. What? - Craig just called you a boner!

482. Agh!

483. We just have to keep throwing gas on the fire.

484. Yeah.

485. Mph rmphm rm?

486. What?

487. Who are you?

488. "Kenny McCormick has been transferred from Home Ec. to Shop Class"

489. Well, alright, get some safety goggles

490. and start getting acquainted with the jigsaw over there.

491. What the—

492. Here they are!

493. Hey, what's going on?

494. Tweek and Craig are fighting.

495. We're just watching.

496. Well, why the hell don't you stop them!

497. 'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it!

498. Don't screw around!

499. Stop screwing around!

500. Hey, you're screwing around too much!

501. Arghh!

502. Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

503. You bastards!

504. Well don't just stand there!

505. Call an ambulance!

506. You see— You see what happens

507. when you screw around in Shop Class?

508. Mph rm...

509. What? What's that, son?

510. Richard...

511. Aghhh!

512. No, no, please don't go!

513. I need you!

514. I can't live without you!

515. Richard, you have to move on.

516. I want you to be happy.

517. But I can't!

518. I never got to say goodbye.

519. Then say it now, Richard.

520. Goodbye.

521. There, now do you feel better?

522. No.

523. Of course you don't.

524. Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything.

525. It's the time we spent together that really matters

526. not how we left it.

527. You—you're right.

528. You're right!

529. Richard!

530. It's grandma.

531. Grandma?

532. Hi, gram!

533. You never said goodbye to me, either.

534. Hey, Richie, remember me?

535. Uncle Corey!

536. Wow, you're all alive again.

537. No, we're dead.

538. I love you, Richard.

539. See you soon.

540. Thank you!

541. Thank you for freeing me!

542. I feel like now I can move on!

543. Baby, I feel so much better!

544. I feel so alive!

545. Thank you, baby, thank you!

546. Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

547. Hi, we're here to visit our good friends Tweek and Craig.

548. Oh, well, I suppose a quick visit is okay.

549. Maybe you kids can cheer them up.

550. Hey guys, how are you feeling?

551. Agh! - Ugh!

552. Well, uh, we just came by because we have something to tell you.

553. Yeah... see, we got you to fight

554. just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest.

555. We made up all that stuff we said

556. to get you guys mad at each other.

557. Yes, you can flip us off, Craig.

558. We deserve that.

559. We just came by to apologize.

560. We feel so bad.

561. Boy, do we ever.

562. So I guess we'll be going now.

563. And we'll just live with the knowledge that

564. you're both kind of sissies.

565. What! - What!

566. Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.

567. What was on the news?

568. Oh, you didn't see it?

569. Tweek's family was on the news

570. saying what a wuss you are, Craig.

571. Huh?

572. Yeah, and then Craig's family came on

573. and said Tweek was the wuss,

574. and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.

575. Agh, you son-of-a-bitch!

576. I'm gonna kick your ass!

577. Come on, Tweek you got him!

578. Sumo technique, Craig, sumo technique!