1. Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4.Copy !req
2. Yeah, yeah!
Do you like to rock?Copy !req
3. Yeah, I like to rock!Copy !req
4. Hello, Baltimore!Copy !req
5. Cartman, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
6. I'm playing the drum.Copy !req
7. Well, you have
to hit it softer!Copy !req
8. You can't just hit
a drum.Copy !req
9. You have to beat
the shit out of it.Copy !req
10. Shut your pie hole,
or I'll kick your ass,Copy !req
11. you fucking drum!Copy !req
12. That's how
you rock, dude.Copy !req
13. You're not supposed
to rock.Copy !req
14. You're just supposed
to keep the beat.Copy !req
15. I am keeping the beat.
Your flute playing sucks!Copy !req
16. That's it, Cartman.
You can't be the drummer.Copy !req
17. Hey, I'll get it!Copy !req
18. Dude, the Civil War
reenactment is tomorrow.Copy !req
19. You're not going to get it by tomorrow.
- Yes, I will!Copy !req
20. Alright, alright. Let's just try again.
1, 2, 3, 4.Copy !req
21. Yo! Does Cleveland
like to rock?Copy !req
22. Yo! God damn it!
Aah!Copy !req
23. What?Copy !req
24. Give me the drum
and you play the flute.Copy !req
25. No way! Flutes are totally gay.
- Mrph phm rmh?Copy !req
26. Cartman, I'm the leader of the
reenactment fife-and-drum squad,Copy !req
27. and I say
you play the flute.Copy !req
28. Oh, well,
you know what I say?Copy !req
29. Screw you guys.
I'm going home.Copy !req
30. You dick!
- Later.Copy !req
31. Alrighty, everyone.Copy !req
32. We just have
a few things to go overCopy !req
33. before we head out
to the reenactment battlefield.Copy !req
34. First of all,
I have great news—Copy !req
35. there are over 200 folks
from around the stateCopy !req
36. that have come to see
this year's reenactment,Copy !req
37. and that's
the best turnout ever!Copy !req
38. Where the hell is Cartman?
If he misses the orientation,Copy !req
39. they're not gonna let him
in the reenactment.Copy !req
40. He'll show.
- He better!Copy !req
41. I'm also very proud to announce
that this year's alcohol sponsorCopy !req
42. is Jagerminz
S'more-Flavored Schnapps,Copy !req
43. the schnapps with
the delightful taste of S'mores.Copy !req
44. Mmmm!Copy !req
45. Hey, it does
taste like S'mores!Copy !req
46. Yeah and it's got quite a kick, too!Copy !req
47. And now to clarify how
the reenactment should unfold,Copy !req
48. let's bring up
our master historian,Copy !req
49. Grandpa Marvin Marsh!Copy !req
50. The only man old enough to have
actually seen the Civil War...Copy !req
51. Reenactment of 1924.Copy !req
52. Wow, dude! Your grandpa
still isn't dead?Copy !req
53. Dude, that's not cool.Copy !req
54. Good morning, gentlemen.
- Cartman, what the hell are you doing?Copy !req
55. Yeah, you're dressed up
like the South.Copy !req
56. Yes, this year I've decided
to fight for the glorious South.Copy !req
57. Screw you guys... home.Copy !req
58. And may I say that we're going
to whup your ass this time?Copy !req
59. You can't just come
to a Civil War reenactmentCopy !req
60. dressed up like
General Lee, fat ass.Copy !req
61. Oh, really?
I'm pretty sure I just did.Copy !req
62. Okay, you all know
the rules.Copy !req
63. You must fire
your blanks into the air,Copy !req
64. and if someone says
they killed you,Copy !req
65. you gotta play dead.Copy !req
66. The South loses
this battle, Cartman.Copy !req
67. They lose the war.Copy !req
68. Nuh-uh.
The South is gonna win.Copy !req
69. No, they're not,
stupid.Copy !req
70. Yes, we are!Copy !req
71. How much you want to bet?Copy !req
72. Now, remember, everybody,Copy !req
73. for a good reenactment,Copy !req
74. we've got to pretend
down to the last detailCopy !req
75. that we're really
in the Civil War.Copy !req
76. So, when the North wins,Copy !req
77. all of us
on the Confederate sideCopy !req
78. should act
all bummed and depressed...Copy !req
79. How much you want to bet
the South doesn't win?Copy !req
80. Well, this war's
about slavery,Copy !req
81. so how about
if the South wins,Copy !req
82. you two assholes have to be
my slaves for a month?Copy !req
83. And if the North wins,
you're our slave for a month?Copy !req
84. Right!
- You're on!Copy !req
85. Then I shall bid you
good morning, gentlemen,Copy !req
86. and see you
on the battlefield.Copy !req
87. What a dumb-ass!Copy !req
88. Yeah, he doesn't even
know that the SouthCopy !req
89. loses the Civil War.Copy !req
90. It's gonna be rad having
Cartman be our slave.Copy !req
91. And with that,
let's all head to Tamarack HillCopy !req
92. and put on a good show!Copy !req
93. Yeah!Copy !req
94. Welcome to the South Park Reenactment ofCopy !req
95. the Battle of Tamarack Hill.Copy !req
96. The men in gray are
the Confederacy from the South.Copy !req
97. In the blue,
the Union from the North.Copy !req
98. It was a cold morning in 1862.Copy !req
99. The Union army had to get
the Bell of AppomattoxCopy !req
100. down from Tamarack Hill.Copy !req
101. What ensued was a bloody battle,Copy !req
102. but after many hours,
the Union army prevailed.Copy !req
103. Here now is the reenactment
of that great battle.Copy !req
104. Forward!Copy !req
105. Let's bring
those Confederate bastards down!Copy !req
106. Fire!Copy !req
107. Alright, men, fire!Copy !req
108. Hey, I shot you, Ned.
You have to fall down.Copy !req
109. Ow.Copy !req
110. Yeah!Copy !req
111. Wow, so this
is what it was like.Copy !req
112. Hey, what's
that guy doing?Copy !req
113. Whee-hee!
Long live the Confederacy!Copy !req
114. Huh?Copy !req
115. What the hell?Copy !req
116. Hey, he took the bell!Copy !req
117. He can't
do that!Copy !req
118. The Confederacy
doesn't take the bell!Copy !req
119. Hooray for the South!Copy !req
120. Cartman, you
can't do that!Copy !req
121. God damn it,
now we have to start over.Copy !req
122. Alrighty, everyone.Copy !req
123. We're going to do
the entire reenactment againCopy !req
124. because of some confusion
over the bell.Copy !req
125. Now, I know you're
just trying to help, Eric,Copy !req
126. but we have to let the Union
army capture the bell this time.Copy !req
127. But why?
Why should they get the bell?Copy !req
128. Well...'cause we're
supposed to lose.Copy !req
129. But we don't have to lose.
- What?Copy !req
130. Gentlemen,
we can win this battle.Copy !req
131. Sure, we could lose,Copy !req
132. and tonight we could go
back to our familiesCopy !req
133. and say, "we did it. We lost
like we were supposed to.Copy !req
134. Aren't we proud?"Copy !req
135. Or... or we take that hill,Copy !req
136. we take that hill,
and when we stand tall upon it,Copy !req
137. we hold our heads high,
and we yell,Copy !req
138. "Not this year!Copy !req
139. This year belongs
to the Confederacy!"Copy !req
140. By God, he's right!
- Jimbo!Copy !req
141. No, I've been reenacting
this war for 22 years now.Copy !req
142. And for 22 years,
us Confederate reenactorsCopy !req
143. have had to spend the evening
being ridiculed and made fun ofCopy !req
144. by the Union reenactors.Copy !req
145. Well, I'm sick of it!Copy !req
146. Yeah, why do we have
to be their bitchesCopy !req
147. every year?Copy !req
148. I'm tired
of losing this battle.Copy !req
149. And I say it's high time
we kicked some ass!Copy !req
150. Who's with me?Copy !req
151. Yeah!Copy !req
152. Alright, folks,
sorry for the false start.Copy !req
153. We're ready to go again.Copy !req
154. It was a cold morning in 1862.Copy !req
155. The Union army had—Copy !req
156. What the hell?Copy !req
157. You're not gonna live
to see another day!Copy !req
158. Uh, what are
they doing?Copy !req
159. You yankee
sons of bitches!Copy !req
160. Ow! That hurt!Copy !req
161. Damn it, what the hell
are they doing?Copy !req
162. What do we do?Copy !req
163. Run for your life,
dude!Copy !req
164. God bless those men
that fight for their freedom.Copy !req
165. God bless those men
and God bless the Confederacy!Copy !req
166. Surrender your men,
General!Copy !req
167. Jimbo, have you lost
your mind?Copy !req
168. Surrender your men,
General!Copy !req
169. Alright, alright,
we surrender!Copy !req
170. The South wins?Copy !req
171. The South wins!Copy !req
172. God damn it!Copy !req
173. Well, we can all be friends now.Copy !req
174. Come on, Randy,
have some S'more Schnapps.Copy !req
175. I can't be happy.
You ruined the reenactment.Copy !req
176. Aw, come on,
have a little sip.Copy !req
177. So, you guys about ready
to start being my slaves?Copy !req
178. You cheated, Cartman!Copy !req
179. Yeah, and it doesn't matter
because the bet wasCopy !req
180. that the South
doesn't win the war.Copy !req
181. And the South still didn't
win the war, dipshit.Copy !req
182. Yeah, too bad you're
such a dumb-ass at history,Copy !req
183. or you would have
known that.Copy !req
184. I hate you guys so much...Copy !req
185. So very, very much.Copy !req
186. And this is not over,
not by a long shot.Copy !req
187. All I'm saying is that...Copy !req
188. I-is that the ConfederatesCopy !req
189. would have just gotten
their asses kicked in Topeka.Copy !req
190. That ain't true.Copy !req
191. The Confederates would have
whupped ass in Topeka, too!Copy !req
192. Yeah!Copy !req
193. You're dreaming!Copy !req
194. Perhaps we should take Topeka
- Huh?Copy !req
195. They mock us
in Kansas, soldier.Copy !req
196. They think the South
is a joke.Copy !req
197. They don't respect
our authoritah!Copy !req
198. They don't?Copy !req
199. No, I say we take Topeka.Copy !req
200. You know what?Copy !req
201. I'll bet we could take
Topeka right nowCopy !req
202. and prove them all wrong!Copy !req
203. Huh?
- That's right.Copy !req
204. Maybe we should do
what the ConfederatesCopy !req
205. would have done
and march on to Topeka.Copy !req
206. I'll bet we could!Copy !req
207. I'll bet we could, too!Copy !req
208. I'll bet you can't.Copy !req
209. What?
Is that a challenge?Copy !req
210. I'll bet we can!Copy !req
211. I'll bet you can'tCopy !req
212. because you guys
are all pussies!Copy !req
213. Pussies?
Oh, yeah?Copy !req
214. Men, it's time
to show the worldCopy !req
215. what this Confederate army
has got!Copy !req
216. We're gonna take Topeka,
once and for all!Copy !req
217. Yeah!Copy !req
218. All you men, you may have
lost in the Union today,Copy !req
219. but join us now
and win back your pride!Copy !req
220. Yeah!Copy !req
221. The Union be damned!Copy !req
222. Let's go!Copy !req
223. Yeah!Copy !req
224. Oh, what was
our bet again?Copy !req
225. Let's see...Copy !req
226. Yes, I remember...
if the South wins,Copy !req
227. you have to be
my slaves for a month!Copy !req
228. They're just drunk,
Cartman.Copy !req
229. As soon as they sober up,
they'll stop.Copy !req
230. Enjoy your freedom,
gentlemen.Copy !req
231. Soon you will be
my propertah!Copy !req
232. Come, Kenny,
come fight for us,Copy !req
233. and I'll make sure you getCopy !req
234. lots of plunder and womens.
- Mrph rm!Copy !req
235. Good morning,
Mrs. Hollis.Copy !req
236. Hello, Ralph!Copy !req
237. Did you happen to catch
that ballgame last night?Copy !req
238. I'm afraid I was grading papers
pretty late—Copy !req
239. What's that noise, officer?Copy !req
240. Charge!Copy !req
241. Ow!Copy !req
242. Freeze, buddy!Copy !req
243. These are blanks
but they still hurt like hell.Copy !req
244. It's ours, it's ours!Copy !req
245. We've taken Topeka!Copy !req
246. Alright, yank,
tell us where you keepCopy !req
247. your Jagerminz
S'more-Flavored Schnapps!Copy !req
248. S-Schnapps?Copy !req
249. Uh, I guess it would be
at the liquor store.Copy !req
250. Where?Copy !req
251. At the liquor store!Copy !req
252. At the liquor store!Copy !req
253. Come on, boys!Copy !req
254. This is the most bizarre thing
I've ever seen!Copy !req
255. Excuse me.Copy !req
256. Dude, my mom is so pissed
at my dad for going to Kansas.Copy !req
257. I know but why do they
have to take it out on us?Copy !req
258. Why do we have to wait around
for them to come back?Copy !req
259. Here comes the bus.Copy !req
260. Butters, are you the
only one that came back?Copy !req
261. C-Confederate messenger Butters
reporting, sir.Copy !req
262. I have a message for you from the battlefield.
- What battlefield?Copy !req
263. Topeka. We're raising
all kinds of hell, see?Copy !req
264. It's probably the most fun
I've had in several months.Copy !req
265. W-well, you gonna read
your message or not?Copy !req
266. "Dear guys...Copy !req
267. "words cannot express
how much I hate you guys.Copy !req
268. "as we fight our way northward
into the great unknown,Copy !req
269. "only that one thing
remains certain,Copy !req
270. "that I hate you guysCopy !req
271. "with every tired muscle
in my Confederate body.Copy !req
272. "We have taken Topeka,Copy !req
273. "and now I must rally the men
onward to MissouriCopy !req
274. "because I will not stop
until we have won it allCopy !req
275. "and you guys are my slaves.Copy !req
276. "Because... I hate you guys.Copy !req
277. "I hate you guys
so very, very much.Copy !req
278. Yours,
General Cartman Lee."Copy !req
279. Damn it, that fat
piece of shit.Copy !req
280. Dude, what if Cartman
really does succeed,Copy !req
281. and we really do
have to be his slaves?Copy !req
282. That would suck
so much ass.Copy !req
283. We have to stop him,
dude.Copy !req
284. I'll go get my grandpa.
He'll help us.Copy !req
285. Where's the Confederate army
now, Butters?Copy !req
286. Uh, I ain't supposed
to tell you that.Copy !req
287. If I told you that,
w-well, I'd be a...Copy !req
288. a no-good yankee
son-of-a-bitch.Copy !req
289. We'll give you 10 bucks.
- Oh, oh... okay.Copy !req
290. And was forced to live off
her own feces for several days.Copy !req
291. In national news, a frightening
radical group from ColoradoCopy !req
292. is making its way across
the southern states of America.Copy !req
293. The group is recruiting
new membersCopy !req
294. in each town they pass through
and rapidly growing in number.Copy !req
295. So authorities have decided
to call in the National Guard.Copy !req
296. The group seems to be led
by military mastermindCopy !req
297. and right-wing radical
Jimbo Kern,Copy !req
298. who is known for his guerrilla
fighting and leadership skills.Copy !req
299. Gimme some more S'more Schnapps!
I'm gonna be sick!Copy !req
300. Oh, boy, this is worse
than I thought.Copy !req
301. Well, come on, Billy,Copy !req
302. we gotta make
these little peckers stopCopy !req
303. before they get
themselves killed.Copy !req
304. They say we can either fight
them or join them.Copy !req
305. Well, I'm joining them.
Those blanks hurt!Copy !req
306. Dad, Dad!
Mom wants you to come home!Copy !req
307. Not now, Stan.
I'm pillaging!Copy !req
308. Get over here!Copy !req
309. You've got to stop, Dad.Copy !req
310. If the South wins, me and Stan
have to be Cartman's slaves.Copy !req
311. This is a reenactment, Kyle.Copy !req
312. My name is Private John Farcastle,Copy !req
313. and I have to do
what my general tells me.Copy !req
314. Hey, there's S'more Schnapps
over here!Copy !req
315. More Schnapps!Copy !req
316. I'm Sergeant Larson
of the National Guard.Copy !req
317. We're here to stop
the terrorists.Copy !req
318. They're not terrorists.Copy !req
319. They're just a bunch of
drunk wankers from Colorado.Copy !req
320. Well, we can't
just shoot 'em.Copy !req
321. There's innocents
and children about.Copy !req
322. Dawkins!
- Sir!Copy !req
323. Fire a warning flare.
- Yes, sir!Copy !req
324. Medic!Copy !req
325. Oops!
- Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!Copy !req
326. You bastards!
- Hey!Copy !req
327. We can't fire
at them, sir.Copy !req
328. There are
too many children.Copy !req
329. Then how do
we stop them?Copy !req
330. I know how...Copy !req
331. but we'll have to wait until dark.Copy !req
332. "Dear Ms. McCormick,Copy !req
333. "It is with a very heavy heart
that I must inform youCopy !req
334. "that your son Kenny
was killed in battleCopy !req
335. "on the morning
of November 18thCopy !req
336. "at Ruby Hills Funland
in Chattanooga.Copy !req
337. "This war has taken
something from all of usCopy !req
338. "and although
your son appearsCopy !req
339. "to be the only casualty so far,Copy !req
340. "know that we all
share your pain.Copy !req
341. "Your son did not die in vain.Copy !req
342. "I shall persevereCopy !req
343. "and make Stan and Kyle
my slavesCopy !req
344. "because I hate those guys.Copy !req
345. "I hate them
so very, very much.Copy !req
346. Yours,
General Cartman Lee."Copy !req
347. There, you see?Copy !req
348. We take
the S'more Schnapps,Copy !req
349. and by morning, they're
all gonna want to go home.Copy !req
350. Nice thinking, Billy.Copy !req
351. Let's go!Copy !req
352. Where to next, General?Copy !req
353. Where did
the Confederates go, son?Copy !req
354. Well, I guess to Fort Sumter
in South Carolina.Copy !req
355. That's where the Civil War
really escalated.Copy !req
356. Ah, splendid.Copy !req
357. Then to Fort Sumter
we shall go.Copy !req
358. Well, that sounds great.Copy !req
359. I'm gonna get
some S'more Schnapps.Copy !req
360. You want anything?Copy !req
361. Yeah, could I get some
of those animal cookies?Copy !req
362. Those frosted ones
with the sprinkles on 'em?Copy !req
363. Uh, sure.Copy !req
364. What the—Copy !req
365. Hey, where's
the S'more Schnapps?Copy !req
366. We're out
of S'more Schnapps?Copy !req
367. That can't be!Copy !req
368. I guess
we drank it all.Copy !req
369. Now what?Copy !req
370. Now we just wait
until morning.Copy !req
371. Checkmate, Cartman.Copy !req
372. Pretty soon you're
gonna be our slave.Copy !req
373. Yeah!Copy !req
374. Ouch.Copy !req
375. Oh, my head.Copy !req
376. Where am I?Copy !req
377. Ned, I think I can say
without any doubtCopy !req
378. that that was the longest
drinking binge we've ever had.Copy !req
379. Oh, oh. My head.Copy !req
380. Oh, no, I'm supposed
to be at work today.Copy !req
381. Me too!Copy !req
382. Well, come on, everybody.Copy !req
383. We've got to get to
the nearest bus station quick.Copy !req
384. Where are you going?Copy !req
385. We're going home, kid.
Come on!Copy !req
386. We can't go home.
We have to take Fort Sumter!Copy !req
387. The only thing
we got to do is get homeCopy !req
388. before our wives leave us.Copy !req
389. No.Copy !req
390. What about
the Confederacy?Copy !req
391. What about freedom?Copy !req
392. Ha ha.
You lose, fat ass!Copy !req
393. God,
I hate you guys!Copy !req
394. Yeah, but, you know,Copy !req
395. I think you've
learned something today.Copy !req
396. You've learned that you
can't rewrite history.Copy !req
397. You see,
history is forever.Copy !req
398. And everything happens
for a reason.Copy !req
399. You can try
to change the past,Copy !req
400. but usually, you kn—
where are you going?Copy !req
401. This isn't over.
Oh, no.Copy !req
402. Oh, no,
not by a long shot.Copy !req
403. Oh, I don't believe
we came all the way out here.Copy !req
404. Yeah, well, I don't think
the bus stationCopy !req
405. is too far from here.Copy !req
406. How much do you think a bus
ticket back to ColoradoCopy !req
407. is gonna run?Copy !req
408. Hello, I am Suzette,
the S'more Schnapps girl.Copy !req
409. We are pleased
to sponsor youCopy !req
410. with all the
S'more Schnapps you need.Copy !req
411. Uh, I can't drink
any more of that stuff.Copy !req
412. Me neither.Copy !req
413. Uh, come on, guys,Copy !req
414. just one little drink.Copy !req
415. A toast to how far you came
and all that you saw.Copy !req
416. Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.Copy !req
417. Well, I guess
one little cheers is in order!Copy !req
418. Hey, look, Ned's doing
his trick again.Copy !req
419. Hey, guys, let's all play
a game of grab-ass!Copy !req
420. What's grab-ass?Copy !req
421. We just run around
in circlesCopy !req
422. and try to grab
each other's asses.Copy !req
423. Hey, that sounds fun!Copy !req
424. I got you!Copy !req
425. Oh! Ooh!Copy !req
426. Gentlemen, I hate
to break up the party,Copy !req
427. but I believe we have a fort to take.Copy !req
428. You heard the general!Copy !req
429. Yeah!Copy !req
430. Oh, no!Copy !req
431. We'll never stop
them now.Copy !req
432. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
433. Yes, yes!Copy !req
434. Throughout 1861,
the Confederate authoritiesCopy !req
435. tried to drive out
the Union occupantsCopy !req
436. of Fort Sumter Peacefully.Copy !req
437. But Abraham Lincoln's
administrationCopy !req
438. would not surrender the fort
to the Confederates,Copy !req
439. so Jefferson Davis
decided to take action.Copy !req
440. And the Confederates
won the fort?Copy !req
441. Yes.Copy !req
442. Imagine what it
must have been like.Copy !req
443. You're a Union soldier
stationed at this fort.Copy !req
444. And one day you look outCopy !req
445. and see thousands
of ConfederatesCopy !req
446. ready to pounce on you!Copy !req
447. Uh...Copy !req
448. Take the fort!
- Charge!Copy !req
449. We got it! The fort is ours!Copy !req
450. What was that?Copy !req
451. Attention, political activists.Copy !req
452. You are on government
historical monument property.Copy !req
453. Surrender the monument
with your hands up.Copy !req
454. If you would like a tour
of the fort, one can be arrangedCopy !req
455. through the South Carolina
Chamber of Commerce.Copy !req
456. Give up, fat ass.Copy !req
457. There's over
100 National Guard guys here.Copy !req
458. Stuck my ass!Copy !req
459. What do we do, general?
We're outnumbered!Copy !req
460. We ask the state
of South Carolina for recruits.Copy !req
461. Some reinforcements
are bound to show up.Copy !req
462. Alright, that does it.
Blow the whole thing up.Copy !req
463. You can't do that.
Our dads are in there!Copy !req
464. Sorry, son,
we tried it your way.Copy !req
465. Now we do it
our way.Copy !req
466. Prepare the mortar!Copy !req
467. Hold it right there.Copy !req
468. Wow, look at that!Copy !req
469. The entire state
of South Carolina showed up.Copy !req
470. I knew they would.Copy !req
471. Aw, damn it!Copy !req
472. We're ready
to fight with ya.Copy !req
473. Long live the Confederacy!Copy !req
474. Yee-haw!Copy !req
475. Now our numbers
are truly great.Copy !req
476. It is time.Copy !req
477. It is time to march
to Washington, D.C.Copy !req
478. Hey, government!Copy !req
479. You can't ignore
our anguished cries anymore!Copy !req
480. You hear that, government?Copy !req
481. Oh, boy,
this doesn't look good.Copy !req
482. It's just like
the Million Man March,Copy !req
483. except there actually
are a million people.Copy !req
484. Mr. President, a message
for you from the extremists.Copy !req
485. "Dear Mr. President...Copy !req
486. "there are times
when humans can no longerCopy !req
487. "endure their government's
authoritah.Copy !req
488. "You must declare
the Confederacy its own nationCopy !req
489. "so that we may enter into
a new millennium of prosperitah.Copy !req
490. "if you do not meet our demands,Copy !req
491. "we will be forced
to show the videotapesCopy !req
492. we have of you
with Marisa Tomel."Copy !req
493. Oh, dear God!Copy !req
494. We have to meet
their demands!Copy !req
495. What? Sir, there's
not that many of them!Copy !req
496. As vice president, I think we
better give them what they want.Copy !req
497. It's just the southern states.
Who really needs them?Copy !req
498. My hands are tied.Copy !req
499. Tell General LeeCopy !req
500. that I'll meet him
in front of the Capitol.Copy !req
501. Sir!Copy !req
502. I'm so glad
I don't have your job.Copy !req
503. Dude, let's just
give up nowCopy !req
504. and accept that we have
to be Cartman's slaves.Copy !req
505. Damn it, Billy, this isn't
about you having to be slaves.Copy !req
506. This is about history.Copy !req
507. We can't let them change it.Copy !req
508. But we've tried everything
Grandpa. What else can we do?Copy !req
509. Wait a minute, they're all
still doing a reenactment.Copy !req
510. What we have to do
is play into that.Copy !req
511. Come on, Billy, you boys need
a quick history lesson.Copy !req
512. Alright, I'm gonna sign
the documentCopy !req
513. declaring the Confederacy
winners of the Civil War.Copy !req
514. Hooray!Copy !req
515. Boy, we really got
the president by the balls.Copy !req
516. Good thing you have
that videotapeCopy !req
517. of him and Marisa Tomei.Copy !req
518. I don't.
I made it up.Copy !req
519. Hey, who's that?Copy !req
520. Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln,Copy !req
521. President
of the United States.Copy !req
522. Yes,
and I'm Jefferson Davis,Copy !req
523. President
of the Confederacy.Copy !req
524. Boy, this just keeps
getting weirder, doesn't it?Copy !req
525. What the hell
are you guys doing?Copy !req
526. Hey, general! He's
reenacting Jefferson Davis!Copy !req
527. You can't talk that way
to a superior officer!Copy !req
528. Men, I want
you all to knowCopy !req
529. that as President
of the Confederacy,Copy !req
530. I am hereby surrendering.
- What?Copy !req
531. Well, as Abraham Lincoln,
I accept your surrenderCopy !req
532. and agree
to your conditions.Copy !req
533. You and all
the ConfederatesCopy !req
534. will have
all the S'more SchnappsCopy !req
535. you can drink for a year.Copy !req
536. Whoa!Copy !req
537. A whole year?
- Alright!Copy !req
538. Well, I think we got
what we wanted.Copy !req
539. That's it? I don't have
to sign this thing?Copy !req
540. Hey, come on, we should take
a tour of the SmithsonianCopy !req
541. before we head back.Copy !req
542. No! We still
have to fight!Copy !req
543. Lincoln and Davis
signed a treaty, General.Copy !req
544. The war is over.Copy !req
545. Noooo!Copy !req
546. It's finally over,
Cartman. You lost!Copy !req
547. Yeah, and now you can
take that stupid beard off!Copy !req
548. Owwwwww!Copy !req
549. Boys, as President
of the United States,Copy !req
550. I want to commend youCopy !req
551. for stopping
the rebel uprising.Copy !req
552. Don't touch me.Copy !req
553. Well, Cartman,
the South lost.Copy !req
554. That means you're
our slave for a month!Copy !req
555. Damn it, damn it.
I was so close! Damn it.Copy !req
556. The first thing I want
you to do for us is—Copy !req
557. Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave!
- What?Copy !req
558. The North still
won the Civil War.Copy !req
559. That means slavery
is abolished.Copy !req
560. He's right, boys.
Slavery is illegal and immoral,Copy !req
561. partially in thanks to
the North winning the Civil War.Copy !req
562. Awww!Copy !req
563. Oh, to hell with it.
Let's just go home.Copy !req
564. Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!
Yeah, thanks, dick!Copy !req