South Park 2x9

1. Hello, everyone. I'm Matt Stone.

2. And I'm Trey Parker. And we're...

3. Cooking bacon!

4. And here to help us is our old pal, Macon.

5. Say hi, Macon.

6. - Well, today's dish is called Northern Wyoming Bacon Loaf.

7. Ooh.

8. Sounds good, huh?

9. To make it, you will need three pounds of cooked bacon,

10. two eggs, one cup of cheese soup,

11. and another pound of cooked bacon.

12. We've already started cooking the bacon.

13. Ooh, smell that bacon. - Mm.

14. Macon's going crazy.

15. All right, hold on, hold on.

16. Macon loves Bacon.

17. What's that? Do you want it, do you want it?

18. Do you want it? Yeah, that's a buddy.

19. Have more bacon, yeah.

20. Now, once the bacon is cooked, we're ready

21. for the food processor. - That's right.

22. We're gonna put all the ingredients

23. in the food processor.

24. Get this grease off here.

25. Eggs, some bacon, more bacon, and mix.

26. Whoa, Macon, want some more bacon?

27. While we're waiting for that, let's watch

28. our favorite episode of "South Park."

29. It's called "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls."

30. - That's right—you see, Matt and I have been

31. several times to the Sundance Film Festival

32. in Utah, and we think it totally sucks ass,

33. so we decided to have Robert Redford

34. bring his little festival to "South Park."

35. - Apparently Mr. Redford doesn't like us too much

36. because of this episode.

37. Maybe that's because we have him drowning in shit.

38. - Well, who cares? He's old.

39. Now I'm gonna put this dish in the oven at 450 degrees.

40. - You all sit back, relax, and enjoy "Chef's Chocolate

41. Salty Balls," and, when we return,

42. Northern Wyoming Bacon Loaf.

43. - Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis?

44. It's so painfully crowded.

45. Because, people from LA love to come

46. to a quaint little mountain town for a few days,

47. and this gives them an excuse.

48. No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town.

49. Now look at it! Sushi restaurants,

50. upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson.

51. I tell you Phyllis, I think we've tapped

52. this town's resources out. We must move the festival

53. to another small mountain town and begin again.

54. That's not a bad idea.

55. But where?

56. Whoa.

57. Okay, children,

58. I have some very exciting news for you.

59. Why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?

60. That's right, Mr. Garrison!

61. The first annual South Park Film Festival begins today.

62. Wow, cool. - They're not gonna show

63. that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?

64. No, no, Kyle. These are independent films.

65. Oh, like "Independence Day"? That sucked ass too.

66. Nah, dude, independent films

67. are those black and white hippie movies.

68. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

69. No, they're not!

70. Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system.

71. They're movies without all the glitz and glamour

72. of Hollywood.

73. Well, you show me one independent film

74. that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding.

75. Once again, you have no idea

76. what you're talking about, fat-ass!

77. I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into

78. my body yet, you skinny bitch!

79. Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time,

80. I'm sending you to the Principal's office.

81. Bitch. - That's it, Eric, you—!

82. I'm going.

83. Anyway, children, I want you all to see

84. at least one independent film at the festival and then

85. write a paper about it.

86. The first film showing is called "Witness to Denial"

87. and is a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.

88. Aw, my Uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies

89. in his dresser drawer.

90. No, no, I wanna shoot the script next month

91. with Demi Moore attached.

92. Well, you tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass.

93. Wow, look at this, Johnson.

94. Traffic jams at every intersection,

95. hordes of people pushing their way through the crowds—

96. it's almost like we're a real city.

97. I can't believe I got sent to the Principal's office

98. because of your stupid girlfriend.

99. She's not my girlfriend.

100. Sick, Kenny. - Damn, dude.

101. Look at all these people. - I'm late for a screening.

102. I'll call you from the theater.

103. All this for a bunch of stupid movies?

104. Hello there, children.

105. Hey, Chef.

106. Whatcha doing? - Children, this whole film

107. festival thing has quite lucrative

108. monetary possibilities.

109. And I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies

110. to these Hollywood types and make a mint.

111. What kind of cookies? - Calm down, tubby.

112. They're little cookies with fudge in the middle,

113. and I call them Fudge 'Ems. - I want a Fudge 'Em.

114. I can just see the commercial now.

115. Wife got you down? Boss making you angry?

116. Kids yelling at you? Well, Fudge 'Em!

117. Cool. - And I've also got

118. my double chocolate cookies, Fudge This.

119. Oh, look, one of the natives is selling local food wares.

120. How quaint. - This is why I come

121. to these things—to get away from LA and become one

122. with a more simple culture. - Well, perhaps you'd like

123. to try my low-calorie cookies Go Fudge Yourself.

124. Or my all-natural I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge.

125. Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?

126. Huh? - I would kill for some

127. couscous right now. - Whose goose?

128. Uh, never mind. We brought some food

129. from the natural market in LA. - Cute sign though.

130. Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film

131. of the festival. Would you like to come with me?

132. Shut up, Cartman. Sure I do.

133. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway.

134. She'll be the death of him, Kyle.

135. Mark my words. She'll be the death of him.

136. If she holds his hand in that theater, it'll be all over.

137. Get 'em while they're hot. My all-new cookies,

138. I Just Went and Fudged Your Momma.

139. Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.

140. When's this thing start? I hope there's

141. some good previews. - Stan, film festival movies

142. don't usually have previews before them.

143. - They what?

144. Who are you to judge my womanly soul?

145. The goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark.

146. Dare you call them dark?

147. Here lies the goddess truth of my body.

148. Oh, brother.

149. - The goddess that cries, "Freedom, here is the goddess

150. truth of my womanly being."

151. You are my blossom, my flame.

152. When we make love, it's like the sun

153. is right outside the door.

154. Then make love to me, right now.

155. Dude, dude! - Shh!

156. Bubula, you need to get to bed—it's late!

157. I'm poopies, Ma!

158. Well, hurry up!

159. Could it be?

160. Howdy-ho!

161. Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you?

162. Hello?

163. I'm here live in South Park, Colorado where citizens

164. of Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's

165. first annual film festival.

166. This is just a small, quiet mountain community

167. where nothing out of the ordinary ever really

168. happens, except for the occasional

169. complete destruction of the entire town,

170. and so the excitement level is naturally very high.

171. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting

172. the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.

173. - It was him, dude! I tell you,

174. it was Mr. Hankey.

175. Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.

176. Well, I'm sure it was him. - Look, look,

177. here comes somebody? - I wonder who it could be.

178. Move aside, I can't see! - Oh, move your head.

179. Ladies and gentleman, TV's Fred Savage!

180. Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.

181. So how was that movie last night, dude?

182. Oh, dude, you don't even want to know.

183. It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?

184. Yeah, pretty much. - Yeah.

185. That theater sucks though.

186. They need to get a bigger screen.

187. They should project the movies on Cartman's ass.

188. Hey! - Yeah, but that'd be

189. like IMAX.

190. Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.

191. Okay, that does it.

192. Screw you guys—I'm going home.

193. Well?

194. I'm gonna. Just give me a minute.

195. This is perfect.

196. Why didn't we think of it sooner?

197. This town still has some charm left,

198. not the mess we turned Park City into.

199. Forgive me for being observant,

200. but won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?

201. Yes, and the town after, and the town after that.

202. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town

203. to town until we have used it up and then move on

204. until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.

205. Why? Why would we do such a thing?

206. Because we have to live in LA, and, if we can't live

207. in quiet, simply, peaceful mountain towns,

208. then nobody will.

209. Wait, wait, zoom in to a close-up on my face

210. when I do that, ready?

211. The nobody will!

212. That's it.

213. - Children, I'm glad you're here.

214. I want you to check out my new confectioneries.

215. I think they're gonna sell right through the roof.

216. I call them Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls.

217. Are they good? - Try 'em.

218. Hey, these are good. - Yeah, I love

219. your salty chocolate balls, Chef.

220. - There it is again. - There's what again?

221. It's Mr. Hankey.

222. I think he's in some kind of trouble.

223. Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?

224. Where does that grille go? - To the sewer, dude.

225. Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is.

226. Come on. Come on!

227. Aw, man, it smells like ass down here.

228. Of course it smells like ass, retard.

229. It's a sewer.

230. What was that?

231. Aw, man, let's get out of here.

232. We can't, dude. Not until we find

233. Mr. Hankey.

234. What the hell? - Mr. Garrison?

235. Oh, hello, children. - What are you doing

236. down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?

237. Oh, I was just hanging out. - In a sewer.

238. Children, do you know how to file a police report?

239. No.

240. Good—see you in school.

241. This is ridiculous.

242. What the hell are we, the Goonies?

243. Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman.

244. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?

245. Okay, that does it.

246. Screw you guys—I'm—

247. - Howdy-ho!

248. Mr. Hankey! - Howdy-ho, boys.

249. I told you guys he'd be here. - Gosh, look at you.

250. You're all growing up so fast. - Hi, Mr. Hankey.

251. Nice to see you. - Have y'all been brushing

252. behind your teeth?

253. Yes.

254. And using dental floss?

255. Yes.

256. And washing behind your ears?

257. Yes. - Yes.

258. No.

259. What's the matter, Mr. Hankey?

260. Are you sick? - Oh, I've just got

261. a little cold is all. All these new people

262. in South Park are stressful on my home.

263. - What do you mean? - Well, you see, boys,

264. the sewer's a fragile ecosystem.

265. Oh, my God. - These new folks in town

266. eat nothing but couscous, tofu, and raw vegetables,

267. and it's destroying my environment.

268. And that's why you got a cold?

269. That's why, Kyle. That's why.

270. Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?

271. There's only one time of year I can come to the surface,

272. and that's Christmastime.

273. That's why I need you boys to go for me.

274. Don't worry, Mr. Hankey.

275. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.

276. Don't forget to change your sheets once a week.

277. So without further ado, we will begin

278. this amazing film.

279. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.

280. - Wait, stop, could I have your attention, please?

281. - Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?

282. Ahh! - No, no, wait, that's not him.

283. Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Mr. Hankey

284. is getting sick because South Park has become

285. overcrowded with people who eat health food.

286. Excuse me, little boy. What's a Mr. Hankey?

287. - He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer,

288. but now he's getting sick because his ecosystem

289. is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer.

290. If you don't all leave and go home soon,

291. Mr. Hankey's gonna die.

292. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world,

293. and—and I don't want him to die.

294. What a great story. It has everything.

295. This could be the next "Free Willy."

296. Great pitch, son, how much do you want for it?

297. Huh? - Does it have to be

298. a talking piece of poo?

299. It could be a crime-fighting rabbit or a loveable turtle.

300. This could be a great summer movie.

301. Can we put a monkey in it? - "The Mr. Hankey Story."

302. Is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?

303. Keanu Reeves. - Matt Damon.

304. - Fred Savage.

305. - I'd pay a million for this story.

306. I'll pay two. - 2.89!

307. Dude, no one even listened to me.

308. You know, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.

309. I take it you're part owner of this whole

310. Mr. Hooey story, right? - Huh?

311. Uh, yeah, I guess. - I want you to do a big money

312. deal with me. - All of us?

313. - Well, I can see that you're the real brains of the group.

314. You don't really need those guys, do you?

315. Yeah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.

316. That's great, kid. Let's make a deal.

317. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all

318. for making the first annual South Park Film Festival

319. a success.

320. We've barely even started, and already the festival

321. has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.

322. And I'm very pleased to announce that, in honor

323. of the South Park people who have welcomed us,

324. we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant

325. right here where this library used to stand.

326. Can they do that? - They're Hollywood.

327. They can do anything.

328. Mr. Hankey?

329. Mr. Hankey?

330. Mr. Hankey?

331. Oh, Kyle, howdy—

332. Well, how did it go?

333. Is everyone gonna stop pooping in my environment?

334. - They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching

335. a movie. - Oh, I see.

336. Well, shucks, Kyle. I can't thank you enough

337. for trying.

338. We only have one option— I've gotta take you

339. to the surface. - I can't.

340. The sun will dry me out. - It's the only way

341. to prove to them that you're real.

342. But I won't last long up above.

343. Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey.

344. Now come on, I'm not gonna let you die.

345. All right, just let me get my toothbrush.

346. Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening.

347. - Geez, they made that into a movie already?

348. Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore.

349. I've lost the fight.

350. No, I'm not leaving without you.

351. - We started this together, and we're gonna

352. finish it together.

353. I always thought death was something glorious,

354. but now I know that it's not.

355. It's going over really well.

356. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.

357. Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?

358. Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nut sack.

359. I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.

360. Oh, my God, I found a penny. - You bastard.

361. Okay, Mr. Hankey, we're out.

362. How are you doing? - It sure is dry up here.

363. Don't worry—we'll do this quick, okay?

364. Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on.

365. Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner,

366. could I have a word with you? - Make it quick.

367. Well, the people of my town are a little upset.

368. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival

369. would have on our town. - Uh-huh.

370. Right, so, we were actually wondering if we could call

371. this whole thing off. - We have contracts.

372. You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town

373. for every penny it's got, but thanks so much

374. for the hard work.

375. But this doesn't make sense to me, Marty, okay?

376. You told me the movie made a lot of money.

377. Right, two million, minus your agent's fee,

378. minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee,

379. and with publicity and taxes taken out,

380. you get three dollars.

381. That's more than most people in your position make.

382. Trust me. - Serves you right, Cartman.

383. You're a sell-out. - I'm not a sell-out!

384. What's a sell-out? - If you work

385. in the entertainment business and you make money,

386. you're a sell-out. - It's all gone

387. to hell, children, and we're all to blame.

388. Even me. I was selling out my town too.

389. And now look at it. - So what do we do now?

390. There's nothing we can do. Just sit here

391. and suck on my balls. - You guys, we have to hurry!

392. What? - Come on, everything's gonna

393. be okay. - Sir, sir!

394. Not now. - I have to show you something.

395. I think it will change the way you feel

396. about your impact here. - What's this?

397. I want you guys to all meet my friend.

398. That's great, kid.

399. A dried out lump of shit— very compelling.

400. Okay, folks, let's move. We gotta have that sign

401. done in time for the opening tonight.

402. - You can't die, Mr. Hankey, you can't.

403. Kyle, before I go,

404. there's something I must tell you.

405. Come closer.

406. Closer.

407. Well, what is it, Mr. Hankey?

408. There is another Skywalker.

409. No! - Wait, Kyle.

410. What is it, Mr. Hankey? - Come closer.

411. What is it? - Closer.

412. Yes? - Closer!

413. One time, when you were sleeping,

414. I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.

415. No!

416. No! - I'm sorry, son.

417. Let's get him to ICU.

418. No, no! - Are you gonna be okay, dude?

419. I'm here for you. - Hi, Stan, ready to go

420. see another movie? - Okay.

421. Say, Tom, do you have any pudding left?

422. I ate all mine up, silly. - Well, then,

423. now what do we do?

424. Ew! - Hey!

425. - Sorry. - Well, why don't we just

426. explore our sexuality? - Oh, good idea, let's.

427. Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this.

428. Aw, is there a problem,

429. young man? - No problem, dude.

430. I'll never forget you.

431. You were my best friend after Stan.

432. Come on, Kyle, it's time to go.

433. Chef, does poo go to heaven?

434. Well, I kind of hope not.

435. I mean, sure, it does. Here, I'll give him

436. one of my salty balls to take with him to poo heaven.

437. Come on, let's go.

438. Kyle.

439. Mr. Hankey? - Howdy-ho.

440. He's back, he's back! - That was delicious.

441. My salty chocolate balls must have rejuvenated him!

442. You got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.

443. You're damn right.

444. Step on up, get them here.

445. Mr. Hankey and me t-shirts.

446. Get them while they last, folks.

447. Only $14.95.

448. I'd like one. - I'll take two.

449. Selling t-shirts kicks ass.

450. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce

451. on this gala opening of Hollywood Planet South Park

452. that the festival will be back next year

453. and the year after that and the year after that and so on.

454. And now release the curtain.

455. I give you Hollywood in South Park!

456. Wait, I brought him! I brought him to show you!

457. - Oh, not this again. - Behold, Mr. Hankey!

458. - Howdy-ho!

459. - Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet

460. will be the official meeting place—

461. - Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle

462. was right—there's not enough room in South Park

463. to accommodate a festival. - Mr. Poo,

464. if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman.

465. If you could just turn yourself down.

466. You're at about seven right now.

467. We need you at about three, okay?

468. Uh, folks, please, little towns like this simply

469. aren't meant for big events.

470. We love having visitors, but, golly, too many of you

471. is hurting our ecosystem.

472. Besides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about

473. what celebrities are coming or what film is gonna get shown.

474. It should be able people getting together

475. and watching movies and about people who can never

476. get their movies seen having a chance to have it watched,

477. if only once.

478. A good film festival

479. should be something where we all say, "Aw, let's forget

480. "about lawyers and agents and studios and celebrities.

481. "Let's forget all those things

482. for just a while and just watch some new art."

483. I have had enough of you!

484. - No!

485. Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in

486. a whole new decade of films.

487. He's dead! Mr. Hankey's dead!

488. Well, this worked once before.

489. Thanks, Chef, your big chocolate balls

490. are just the trick.

491. What the hell is he doing? - I don't know.

492. Wow.

493. Oh, my God!

494. Oh, it smells, it smells!

495. Come on, the poo is coming!

496. I'm trying, damn it!

497. Ahh!

498. Let's get out of this town!

499. - Phew.

500. Gosh, I guess I don't know my own strength.

501. You did it, Mr. Hankey.

502. You got rid of all the film people.

503. Hooray.

504. Oh, yeah, now all we have is a town covered in shit.

505. This is much better.

506. I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.

507. Kisses.

508. Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.

509. Oh, that's okay, Wendy. I forgive you.

510. - Sometimes I forget that even though

511. a few independent films are great,

512. most of them suck ass.

513. Yes, and I've learned something too.

514. Being a sell-out is sweet because you make

515. a lot of money, and, when you have money,

516. you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers

517. like you guys.

518. Screw you guys—I'm going home.