South Park 2x6

1. Oh. Well, that episode was a hoot and a holler, wasn't it?

2. That is a great episode,

3. but this next episode is our favorite episode.

4. It's called "The Mexican Staring Frog

5. of Southern Sri Lanka."

6. That's right, and it's all about this army

7. of futuristic vehicles which can drop out of planes

8. and then run in silent mode, and they actually

9. use the silent mode to sneak up behind their enemies,

10. and they don't even know they're there.

11. And the leader, who wears this big silver suit,

12. he's almost late, but then he uses a flying mode

13. to get in the back of this plane—

14. Dude. Dude.

15. That's not this episode. - It's not?

16. No, dude, that's that movie "Megaforce."

17. - We didn't do that? - No, dude, that came out

18. when we were, like, 12 years old.

19. Oh, dude, we should have done that.

20. That was a sweet movie.

21. Well, yeah, but this is the episode where it has—

22. you know, where it has Jesus, and he gets his own talk show,

23. and they're—they're after that Mexican staring frog and stuff.

24. Oh, we should have done "Megaforce."

25. That was a sweet movie. We should have done that.

26. Well, enjoy "The Mexican Staring Frog

27. of Southern Sri Lanka."

28. And now back to "Huntin' and Killin'"

29. with South Park's favorite hunters Jimbo and Ned.

30. I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned.

31. Say hi, Ned. - Hi, Ned.

32. Now isn't that great?

33. We have a terrific show for you today.

34. We're gonna kill some elk

35. and we're gonna kill some mountain goats.

36. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature,

37. which Ned and I call Pussy Law #4, states

38. that we can no longer kill animals in defense.

39. In other words, our old line

40. of "It's comin' right for us"...

41. "It's comin' right for us!" - No longer works.

42. So now we only kill animals to...

43. If we don't hunt, then these animals

44. will grow too big in number

45. and they won't have enough food.

46. So you see, we have to kill animals

47. or else they'll die.

48. Uh, so roll the tape.

49. Here we are up at Shaffers Crossing

50. looking for some animals.

51. Lookee, Ned, there's some deers.

52. Quick, Ned, thin out their numbers.

53. Thin out their numbers.

54. Good work, Ned, now they won't starve.

55. That sure was a great hunting trip.

56. We saved those deer from extinction.

57. We're environmentalists.

58. Coming up next,

59. we're gonna drop some napalm

60. on an unsuspecting family of beavers,

61. and also try to thin out the numbers

62. of some endangered species.

63. Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?

64. What's Vietnam?

65. A question a child might ask

66. but not a childish question.

67. Children, for the next few days

68. we'll be learning all about Vietnam.

69. Chances are that somebody in your own lives

70. was affected by this incredible war.

71. That's right, Mr. Garrison,

72. the Vietnam War was sticky and icky.

73. Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?

74. Come on, man, let's go!

75. Jump out of the chopper!

76. Who's next to take a shower?

77. Me, I am!

78. You just took one last time, silly.

79. Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?

80. No, I wasn't in Vietnam.

81. But sometimes I like to pretend I was.

82. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.

83. I want you all to find somebody in your own life

84. who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.

85. What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?

86. Then you get an F, fail the third grade

87. and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks

88. to support your drug habit. - Oh.

89. Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.

90. Hey, yeah, he and Ned do that stupid TV show.

91. - And now time for...

92. One of our loyal viewers from South Park

93. sent us some 8-millimeter film

94. of what he claims to be the Mexican staring frog

95. of southern Sri Lanka.

96. Now, as you all know,

97. the Mexican staring frog of southern Sri Lanka

98. can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze.

99. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes,

100. they can be paralyzed or even die.

101. And this film proves that that frog

102. may very well exist.

103. Now watch carefully.

104. You're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.

105. There! There, did you see it?

106. Roll that back again.

107. Now freeze it.

108. Well, I'd like to know what

109. all you skeptics have to say now.

110. What do you think, Ned? - I'm scared.

111. Well, be sure to join us next time.

112. Until then...

113. Good night.

114. And we're cut, great show, guys.

115. Oh, lookee who's here.

116. My little nephew, Stanley.

117. So you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's

118. big TV show, huh?

119. No, we have to do a stupid report on Vietnam.

120. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.

121. Oh, yeah, we sure were. - Was it fun?

122. Cartman, what kind of stupid-ass question is that?

123. Of course it was fun.

124. Well, sure, Vietnam was fun.

125. But not like going to the circus fun

126. or fly fishing in Montana fun.

127. No, Vietnam was more like

128. shoving shards of broken glass up your ass

129. and then sitting in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun!

130. Whoa.

131. Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.

132. I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.

133. Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day.

134. - Kern, get over here.

135. The new privates are here.

136. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee.

137. Ned Gerblansky.

138. Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.

139. Thanks, Ned.

140. Now, the bad guys have been spotted

141. about ten clicks north of here.

142. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out.

143. - Are you up for it? - Sir, yes, sir.

144. Soon it was all on just me and Ned

145. to win the war for America.

146. Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?

147. Certainly, and would you like another muffin as well?

148. Why the hell not? We're at war.

149. Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.

150. No, that's all lies. I'll be fine.

151. Charlies at two o'clock!

152. I see 'em, drop the bomb!

153. - The bomb's not releasing!

154. Oh, no! - It won't budge.

155. Then we only have one option.

156. What are you doing, man?

157. We have to take 'em out, Ned, at all costs!

158. Die, you red commie bastards!

159. Oh, no, out of ammo!

160. We did it, Ned.

161. We killed the entire Viet Cong army.

162. Whoopee!

163. Let's get back to base camp.

164. We can ride the log ride before it closes.

165. And that's the way it happened, boys.

166. Wow! - Man, Vietnam was sweet.

167. Great news, guys, your TV show ratings

168. have doubled! - Wow!

169. They've gone from six people to twelve.

170. Holy smokes, we could get an Emmy.

171. We've got to do it, J— your rating are being killed

172. by the Jimbo and Ned hunting show.

173. But I don't really care about that.

174. Well, you better care, Mr. Smarty Pants.

175. No ratings means no show.

176. If you want to keep reaching out to people,

177. you have to keep up with the times.

178. Oh, all right.

179. All right, we're 10 seconds to air, guys.

180. Remember, big, big, big.

181. And five, four, three...

182. It's your hour of power

183. on midday mountain cable access.

184. Put your hands together and welcome

185. the only man in town

186. who always has a fully stocked wine cellar.

187. Jesus Christ!

188. Uhh... Hi.

189. Uh, y-yeah, okay.

190. Beginning today, we're taking the show

191. in a new direction.

192. We've got some very interesting people

193. coming on the show this week for you, our viewers.

194. Today's guest is TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver.

195. Here's Bob Denver!

196. Hi, Bob Denver.

197. Hi, Jesus, great to be here.

198. So, Bob, so you just get in town?

199. Yep, just got in.

200. So, um, so what have you been up to?

201. - Nothing, nothing really at all.

202. Oh, boy.

203. And after killing the entire Viet Cong army,

204. they returned to base camp.

205. Once there they rode the devil's drop roller coaster

206. and ate cotton candy and ultimately,

207. Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense

208. of the log ride.

209. So was the horror of Vietnam. The end.

210. The end.

211. Are there any questions?

212. Yes, Mr. Garrison.

213. Yes, where the

214. did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?

215. From Vietnam veterans.

216. Well, boys, it's obvious to me

217. that you didn't do your work

218. and then you stayed up all night making up

219. some ridiculous lie.

220. No, no, we didn't.

221. You all receive an F-minus.

222. F-minus? Can he do that?

223. But we're not making it up.

224. Stanley, the Vietnam War was war.

225. There weren't galloping steeds

226. or singing birds or log rides.

227. How do you know? You weren't even there.

228. Well, that's it!

229. All of you have detention for the rest of the week!

230. Sweet.

231. Welcome to detention, mm-kay.

232. Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke.

233. It's important for you all to know why

234. you're in detention

235. for you to obtain the full benefits from it.

236. You're here because you're inferior, okay,

237. you're here because you're awkward, okay?

238. Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle

239. that got us all detention for a week.

240. Yeah, dude, your uncle Jimbo sucks ass.

241. Shh, okay.

242. Why would he just invent a story

243. instead of telling us the truth?

244. Well, let' see. Maybe 'cause

245. he's an old drunk hillbilly dick.

246. Shh, okay.

247. We got to get him back, dude.

248. Totally. - How?

249. Well, he screwed us by making something up.

250. I say we do the same thing.

251. What do you mean?

252. Did you guys ever see that one "Brady Bunch"

253. where the guy...

254. Oh, yeah, sweet.

255. Super sweet. Yes!

256. And now back to "Huntin' and Killin'"

257. with South Park's favorite hunters,

258. Jimbo and Ned.

259. Welcome, hunters.

260. Boy, have we got a show for you today.

261. We have just received a tape from another viewer

262. who filmed the Mexican staring frog

263. of southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park.

264. Yes, now we're about to roll the film,

265. but remember, if you look the Mexican staring frog

266. in the eyes, you can go catatonic.

267. We don't know if this applies to pictures

268. of the frog or not,

269. but who wants to take chances?

270. So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.

271. Okay, roll the film, Tom.

272. Is it over?

273. Okay, it's over.

274. Well, there you have it.

275. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog

276. of southern Sri Lanka exists.

277. And you saw it here on the Jimbo and Ned show.

278. Dude, I can't believe they fell for it.

279. Yeah, what a couple of dumbasses.

280. Yeah.

281. Come on, we gotta go make another one.

282. - Lying kicks ass.

283. Jesus! - Yeah?

284. We're in trouble.

285. The Jimbo and Ned show made up some ridiculous

286. staring frog story and jumped another

287. two points in the ratings. - Uh-oh. So what are we

288. supposed to do? - I don't know.

289. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made

290. and then go even further.

291. And we're back in five, four, three...

292. Remember, big, big, big.

293. If you're just joining us,

294. we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story

295. of survival. Go on, Michelle.

296. - Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried

297. but my overturned car just wouldn't budge.

298. My husband was trapped for 12 hours.

299. And yet somehow he managed to survive.

300. That's right.

301. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much.

302. I love you, too.

303. Well, let's see if the audience

304. has any questions.

305. Yes, you over there.

306. I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby.

307. Kick who to the curb? - Her no-good husband.

308. She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero.

309. But...

310. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

311. He's got to dump that trash, girlfriend.

312. It's all about respect.

313. You gotta have respect for yourself.

314. I think we've somewhat missed the point here.

315. Let's go to somebody else.

316. Yes, your comments.

317. Montel, I think we're forgetting something

318. very important in all this.

319. Okay, sure, he touched some children

320. but the man is a great singer

321. and he's entertained us for so many years.

322. What are you talking about? - Michael Jackson.

323. All this badmouthing, putting the man down.

324. Maybe he did touch some children now and then.

325. But come on, it's Michael Jackson.

326. Michael Jackson!

327. Uh, we'll be back right after these messages.

328. Ready, you guys?

329. Ready!

330. Okay, action.

331. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog

332. of southern Sri Lanka.

333. It's supposed to be a frog. - I know that.

334. Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

335. It's a Sri Lanka frog.

336. Der, Cartman! - Der yourself, hippy.

337. Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk.

338. Okay, here we go, ready?

339. Are you ready, Cartman? - I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

340. Action!

341. Screw you guys.

342. Wait, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?

343. 'Cause old ladies are fat and you are too.

344. Come on, Cartman, the way we're shooting this,

345. nobody will even know it's you.

346. They better not. - Okay, when I yell action,

347. you start to walk this way,

348. then Kenny's gonna pull the plastic frog in front of you

349. and you have to be scared.

350. Scared of a plastic frog?

351. - It's acting, Cartman.

352. You have to pretend you're really scared,

353. then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes,

354. then you fall down like you're dead, okay, ready?

355. This is stupid.

356. Good, and action!

357. Ahh!

358. Well, it appears as though a lot of you skeptics

359. thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog

360. of southern Sri Lanka was a fake.

361. They say it didn't harm anybody.

362. Well, it just so happens that

363. we just received another film

364. from another anonymous viewer.

365. Roll it.

366. Ahhh!

367. There you go.

368. Proof that not only is this frog real,

369. but it is doing harm to the people of South Park

370. as we speak.

371. Damn that frog. - Well, that does it.

372. All this week, Ned and I will be

373. risking life and limb as we go on location

374. to hunt the Mexican staring frog

375. of southern Sri Lanka.

376. Join us, won't you?

377. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

378. This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen.

379. Damn, those hunters are clever. - Uh, clever?

380. It's genius, it really is.

381. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt

382. the Mexican staring frog.

383. Unless. - Unless what?

384. Unless we can prove to the world

385. that the whole thing is a sham.

386. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog

387. of southern Sri Lanka

388. is just something made up by Jimbo and Ned,

389. we can have them taken off the air,

390. perhaps even killed.

391. Look, why don't we just stick to our own show?

392. People will watch again.

393. Oh, J, you are so omnipotent,

394. and yet so naive.

395. We'll launch a full investigation

396. and in the meantime we can cash in

397. on the videotapes.

398. What videotapes?

399. Yea, my children, I am the way and the light...

400. You've seen "Jesus and Pals."

401. Now you've got to get the video.

402. "Jesus and Pals Too Hot for TV."

403. Things get a little out of control.

404. You won't believe your eyes.

405. Order now, only $19.95.

406. Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV.

407. Anonymous tip?

408. Yeah, it was left on our answering machine.

409. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog

410. just south of Stark's Pond this morning.

411. Hey Ned, remember that time we got

412. that anonymous tip back in Nam?

413. You were in Nam? Where were you stationed?

414. Da Nang. - With the log ride?

415. Yup. - Man, I was in Tet.

416. We had a badass rollercoaster

417. but all we ever wanted was a log ride.

418. We waited and we waited but they never built us one.

419. I think Danforth wanted a log ride

420. more than anybody but he had to settle

421. with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.

422. That war was hell on everybody.

423. Good, okay, okay bye. Great news, everybody.

424. This week's ratings are through the roof.

425. We're up to 20 people.

426. Wow, do we get more money? - No, but I do.

427. We're now the highest rated show

428. on mountain cable access.

429. God bless the Mexican staring frog.

430. Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.

431. Totally.

432. They deserve it for lying to us, dude.

433. Revenge is so very, very sweet.

434. They're here, hurry and hide.

435. Let's hunt.

436. We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned

437. getting your equipment together and...

438. Jimbo, look!

439. Hit the deck! - What is it?

440. It's him, the Mexican staring frog

441. of southern Sri Lanka.

442. He's right over there on that rock.

443. He is? - Dumbass!

444. You've gotta keep your eyes away from him.

445. Stay down.

446. Ned, you take flank position.

447. I'll try and keep it turned away from you.

448. Roger that.

449. Hello, fellow hunters.

450. Have we got a show for you today.

451. The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself

452. on a rock directly behind us.

453. We've got to take the frog by surprise.

454. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device,

455. while Ned will ambush him from the rear.

456. Now, Ned, he's not looking!

457. Quick, Ned! Hit him with the shotgun!

458. Now, Ned!

459. Ned, Ned?

460. Oh, no!

461. Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it.

462. Come back to me, buddy.

463. Are you getting all this?

464. Hold on to your butts.

465. Take that, you demon frog!

466. Ned, Ned, can you hear me?

467. Quick, somebody call an ambulance!

468. This man is catatonic!

469. Get the Flight for Life helicopter.

470. Holy crap, dude.

471. "But pony boy was beat up pretty bad.

472. He kept saying, 'Stay gold."'

473. Oh, Ned, if you can hear me,

474. you gotta snap out of it.

475. 'cause if you don't, I'll never forgive myself.

476. Oh, Stanley, he's gone!

477. My only friend in the world is gone.

478. Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real.

479. Look.

480. Oh, what the hell are you doing?

481. I almost looked right at it.

482. Dude, it's just a plastic frog. It's not real.

483. Check it out. - What?

484. We shot all those videos and sent them in.

485. - Yeah, we made the whole thing up.

486. It was all just a really, really funny joke.

487. You sent in those videos?

488. Oh, this is not good.

489. My best friend is a vegetable,

490. and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park.

491. Oh, come on, Ned's faking it.

492. That frog was just a piece of plastic.

493. Yeah, come on, Ned, quit faking.

494. You boys don't understand.

495. Ned was so freaked out by the idea

496. of the Mexican staring frog

497. that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.

498. It's a psychosomatic response.

499. I couldn't help overhearing

500. your conversation just now. - Who are you?

501. I produce a little TV show called "Jesus and Pals."

502. You might have heard of it.

503. Your story's amazing, full of jealousy,

504. duplicity, backstabbing, and bitterness.

505. Uh, thanks?

506. How would you like to share your remarkable story

507. with us on tomorrow's show?

508. We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan.

509. These kids can't stop lying, can they?

510. That's right, Jesus.

511. No respect for their elders.

512. As some of you may know,

513. I host a local show on hunting.

514. Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog

515. for a week based on some video footage

516. we received from a viewer.

517. Well, it turns out that these kids

518. faked the footage.

519. Is that true, Stan? - It was just a joke.

520. We didn't think it would hurt anybody.

521. We'll find out more about this debauchery

522. when we return.

523. And we're out.

524. You're corpses up here.

525. We need a lot more action from everybody.

526. Like what?

527. Like go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan

528. takes drugs and worships Satan. - Satan, got it.

529. Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan. That's lying.

530. Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!

531. You kids, I didn't bring you on this show to be boring.

532. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.

533. Dibs! - Remember...

534. you all start to fight after the chair is thrown.

535. That's your cue. - Right.

536. Welcome back to "Jesus and Pals."

537. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?

538. I'll tell you why.

539. Because he's on drugs and he worships the devil.

540. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

541. Wow. Now, Stanley, it sounds like

542. your uncle's really worried about you.

543. Well, I only did it 'cause... he molested me.

544. Why you little piece of crap! - You big piece of crap!

545. That's it, now I'm all pissed off.

546. Take that, hippy. - Hey!

547. Jesus, Jesus!

548. Okay, okay, that's enough.

549. Take that, you asshole.

550. What the was that?

551. Let's watch the language, people.

552. Bring it on, you bitch.

553. Hey, get off of him you nut-sack!

554. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

555. Let's all just make our way back to our seats.

556. Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

557. You bastards!

558. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

559. Let's all just make our way back to our seats.

560. Shut the up!

561. Jesus, what is wrong with you people?

562. Look around you, Stanley.

563. Look at the all the pain and suffering

564. your lie has caused.

565. We only did it because Jimbo lied to us first.

566. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school

567. and we interviewed Jimbo about it.

568. And he made up all this stuff about Vietnam,

569. and he got us in trouble.

570. Hey now, everything I told you boys

571. about the war actually happened.

572. Mr. Garrison said there was no way that you could've

573. defeated the entire Viet Cong army by yourself.

574. The entire Viet Cong army?

575. - I—well, okay, I might have embellished the truth

576. a little but that's different.

577. Is it? - Well, sure, I mean...

578. Well, no, I guess not. - And as for you, Stan...

579. I think you need to kick your drug habit.

580. Wait a second, I don't take drugs. That was a lie.

581. Wait, Jimbo made that up? - No, your producer did.

582. She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.

583. What?

584. During the break your producer came over

585. and told Jimbo what to say about me.

586. She told him to lie.

587. It's true, she did.

588. I'm such a tool. - Oh, really?

589. Yeah, then she told us to throw a chair at Ned.

590. Yeah, I didn't want to do it, Jesus.

591. They made me do that.

592. Screw this show, I thought this was all real!

593. Wait, everybody, come back.

594. Don't feel too bad, Montel,

595. we all wanna touch children sometimes, it's only natural.

596. I'm sorry, Stan.

597. I was just trying to tell a good story.

598. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.

599. We're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo.

600. We're sorry for making you look stupid

601. in front of the whole world.

602. Yeah, and we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.

603. He'll be fine, I'll just take him home

604. and show him some good hardcore porn.

605. He'll snap right out of it, won't you, Ned?

606. I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there.

607. In our competition for ratings,

608. we all lost sight of why we got into show business

609. in the first place.

610. Yeah, titties and beer.

611. Actually, I was referring more

612. to the pursuit of truth, but...

613. Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show

614. without all the glitz and ratings and producers...

615. Wait a sec, where is your producer?

616. I sent her away. - Sent her away where?

617. What is this? What's happening?

618. Welcome to my dominion.

619. Ahh!

620. Hey, take a load off, put your feet up.

621. Me and Satan were just about to go shopping

622. for furniture. Come on, Satan.

623. Okay, honey.

624. No!