1. - Oh, hi, everybody.
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2. - You just caught Matt and I
doing what we love to do most,
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3. entertaining senior citizens at
a retirement home.
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4. Say hi to the "South Park"
fans, gang.
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5. Say hi to the "South Park"
fans, I said!
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6. Hi.
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7. - We're glad you're watching
this episode of "South Park,"
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8. because it's our favorite
episode.
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9. That's right; it's called
"Conjoined Fetus Lady,"
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10. and it's all about the kids'
exciting
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11. dodgeball tournament in China.
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12. Trey and I got the idea for
this episode when we visited
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13. Beijing, China, together.
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14. That's right; we saw the
Great Wall,
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15. the Forbidden City,
and even Tiananmen Square,
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16. where Chinese students
were killed by soldiers.
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17. Here we are reenacting the
Tiananmen Square massacre.
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18. - After we got out of jail for
reenacting
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19. the Tiananmen Square massacre,
we went back home and thought,
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20. "Wow, China is really stupid.
Let's make fun of it."
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21. So we did.
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22. And this show also has that
old "woman who has a twin that
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23. died during childbirth attached
to her head" joke in it.
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24. Isn't that funny, gang?
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25. Isn't that funny, I said?
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26. Answer him, you
pieces of.
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27. - God damn it.
- We come and perform
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28. for you, and you sit there like
a bunch of corpses.
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29. - you.
- I hate you.
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30. So sit back, relax, and
enjoy "Conjoined Fetus Lady."
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31. Okay, children,
it's Friday.
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32. And you know what that means
for P.E. class.
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33. We're gonna
play dodgeball.
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34. We don't want to
play dodgeball. It hurts.
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35. Yeah.
- So let's have half
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36. the children on this side,
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37. and half the children
on that side.
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38. Excuse me a moment,
gentlemen.
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39. I don't believe I know how
to play dodgeball.
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40. - What? Don't you have
dodgeball in France?
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41. Well, no, and actually
I'm not from France.
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42. Look, Pip,
the rules are simple.
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43. A kid from that team tries
to bean a kid on our team
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44. in the head with
a big red ball.
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45. Oh, dear.
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46. If the ball hits you,
you're out.
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47. But if you catch the ball,
he's out.
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48. And the last team to still
have anybody standing wins.
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49. Oh, what
jolly good fun.
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50. No, it isn't,
it hurts!
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51. I can't believe they let us
play this in school.
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52. Play ball!
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53. Ow!
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54. - Damn it,
we lost one already!
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55. - You're out, Clyde.
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56. Jordan, Swanson,
pull forward, we need backup.
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57. We're losing men
fast out here.
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58. Concentrate on your game.
Be the ball.
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59. I caught it.
I caught it!
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60. Great catch, Kyle.
Now your team's on offense.
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61. Here, Pip,
you throw.
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62. Oh, no, I couldn't.
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63. Come on, limey,
don't be a wuss.
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64. Are you gonna be a French
pansy your whole life?
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65. I'm not French.
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66. Throw the ball,
you stupid frog!
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67. God damn, maybe if you didn't
eat all those croissants,
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68. you'd be able—
Ow!
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69. Okay, that was
pretty good, Pip.
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70. But you're supposed to hit
the kids on the other team.
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71. Ow, my nose!
You broke my nose!
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72. - Damn, Pip, I didn't know
you had it in you.
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73. Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry.
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74. That nose is bleeding
pretty bad, Kyle.
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75. I think you might have to go
to the nurse's office.
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76. No, no,
it'll be okay.
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77. Sorry, son, you'll have to
let the nurse look at it.
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78. Come on.
- No! No!
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79. - Dude, he's going
to the nurse's office.
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80. I heard the school nurse
is hideously deformed.
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81. I heard she has tentacles
and eats children for lunch.
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82. Stan, has anybody
actually seen the nurse
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83. and come back
to tell about it?
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84. No, Cartman,
nobody ever has.
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85. Are you
Kyle Broflovski?
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86. Yes.
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87. I'm the school nurse.
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88. Did you hurt your nose?
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89. Y-yes.
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90. Young man, why do you have
your eyes closed?
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91. I'm not gonna hurt you.
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92. I know.
- So open them.
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93. Oh.
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94. Whew.
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95. - Now, what seems
to be the problem?
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96. I just hit my nose
playing dodgeball.
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97. Oh, well, I'll get you
an ice pack.
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98. What?
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99. Oh, I see you've
noticed my disorder.
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100. I have a stillborn fetus growth
attached to my head.
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101. And when she moved up and down,
the little fetus jiggled.
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102. Ew!
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103. Did it talk?
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104. The little fetus, did it talk?
- No, no. It looked dead.
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105. Ew!
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106. Was it
wearing clothes?
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107. Dude, where is she gonna
get fetus clothes?
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108. Oh, yeah.
- Ew.
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109. Ew!
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110. And then she walked over—
- Kyle, that is enough!
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111. I've been reading up on
your poor nurse's condition
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112. and it is nothing
to be made fun of.
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113. It's called
"conjoined twin myslexia."
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114. Who the hell cares
what it's called,
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115. as long as she
doesn't touch me.
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116. Now, that's just
the kind of unawareness
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117. that we need to
fight against.
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118. Sit down, boys.
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119. You see, boys, sometimes
when babies are born,
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120. they're born
as twins.
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121. But sometimes the twins
get hooked together
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122. and they're born
as Siamese twins.
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123. Gross!
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124. But sometimes,
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125. after the Siamese twins
are joined together,
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126. one of the twins
dies before birth.
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127. The living baby is born with
the dead baby still attached.
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128. Sometimes this dead twin
is inside the living person,
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129. so even you could have
a dead twin inside you
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130. and not even
know it.
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131. So now that you're educated
about her disease,
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132. you won't need to make fun
of her, right, booby?
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133. Uh, yeah.
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134. Can you imagine
that poor, poor woman?
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135. Mm-hmm.
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136. - Feeling like an outcast,
being ridiculed every day.
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137. Mm-hmm.
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138. Hello?
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139. Hello, Sheila,
it's Sharon, Stan's mother.
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140. Oh, yes, hello, Sharon.
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141. Sheila, I was just wondering
if you might know
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142. why my son is trying to split
his head open with an ice pick.
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143. No, I have
to get it out!
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144. Well, Sharon, I was trying
to educate them
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145. about
conjoined twin myslexia.
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146. So this is your fault.
- Okay—oh—damn it!
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147. Would you
do me a favor?
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148. Next time you want to scare
the hell out of my child,
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149. just go outside
and sit in the road
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150. till a truck
runs you over instead.
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151. That does it!
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152. I must educate the entire town
about this awful disease!
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153. Mm-hmm.
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154. Dude, I don't get it.
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155. Why are we playing
dodgeball again?
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156. Yeah, I thought we only
play it on Fridays.
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157. Children, great news!
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158. We've been asked to play in
the state finals for dodgeball.
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159. Aw, do we have to?
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160. Can't we play with that big
parachute again or something?
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161. You don't understand,
children,
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162. if we can win state,
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163. we can play in the nationals
in Washington D.C.
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164. Hey, they have
a zoo there!
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165. That's right.
Now, come on,
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166. we have a lot
of practicing to do.
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167. - Aren't we supposed
to have won something
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168. in order to go
to state finals?
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169. Hey, Pip, you want to be
on my team again?
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170. I'd love to!
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171. Yeah, just try not to send
anybody
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172. to that monster nurse
this time, Frenchy.
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173. - Hey, I get quite disturbed
when you call me that!
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174. You shouldn't make fun
of foreigners.
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175. And besides,
I hate French people.
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176. Well, Mrs. Broflovski,
it certainly is a thrill
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177. seeing your
cheery face again.
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178. What seems to be
pissing you off today?
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179. Nothing is pissing me off.
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180. I just want to
start a movement!
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181. Of course you do.
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182. I want to talk to you all
about your school nurse.
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183. Nurse Gollum is absolutely
qualified to be a—
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184. No, no, no, I'm not
upset about her.
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185. I want to make
the public aware of her.
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186. Her disease should be
brought to light
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187. so that it could be understood
rather than made fun of.
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188. Ooh, and, uh,
what disease is that?
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189. Principal Victoria,
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190. Nurse Gollum has
conjoined twin myslexia.
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191. What's that?
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192. - She has a dead fetus
attached to her head.
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193. She does?
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194. You, uh—you never
noticed that?
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195. No, I never did.
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196. Well, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.
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197. This poor woman is forced
to live in the shadows
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198. because she feels
like an outcast.
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199. It is up to us to make her
feel comfortable
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200. and welcome
in our town.
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201. Did you say a fetus
sticking out from her head?
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202. I want to invite your nurse
to a dinner party
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203. at my house
this evening.
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204. I'd appreciate it if both you
and Mr. Mackey would attend.
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205. Do we have to eat
kosher stuff?
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206. Well, I'll talk to Nurse
Gollum,
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207. but I'm sure she'll be
delighted.
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208. Let's say around 8:00?
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209. Wonderful.
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210. Now, you did say she has
a fetus on her head?
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211. Okay, children,
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212. now who's gonna
win the state finals?
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213. Denver?
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214. I think we need to
get off on this exit.
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215. Sit down, kid!
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216. But it's quicker to get to
the Denver school that way.
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217. Do you want
an office referral?
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218. How many times do I have to
explain this to you?
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219. I'm not a student.
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220. You can't give me
an office referral.
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221. I said, sit down!
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222. Yes, ma'am.
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223. Whoa, dude,
this is a school?
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224. Hello there.
I'm Bob Thomas,
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225. the coach for
the Denver Cougars.
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226. I'm Chef, coach of
the South Park Cows.
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227. Well, I certainly
want to thank you
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228. for bringing
your team down.
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229. Apparently nobody else
would play us
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230. because they knew
we'd just beat them silly.
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231. So I told
the school board
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232. to find me some hick school
from the mountains,
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233. and here you are.
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234. You're from
South Park, yeah?
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235. Yeah.
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236. My God, amazing where people
can live nowadays.
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237. Well, we might as well
get this over with,
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238. we got to start
thinking about D.C.
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239. Promise we won't
make it too painful.
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240. - Play ball!
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241. So where did you get
your degree, Nurse Gollum?
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242. Colorado State.
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243. Oh!
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244. Sheila, could you
pass me the dead fetus?
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245. I mean, gravy.
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246. Ow!
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247. Damn it, come on!
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248. Somebody catch the ball!
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249. All right, boys, just five
more
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250. of the little bastards
to go!
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251. I caught it.
I caught it!
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252. Aw, that's not fair.
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253. He's so fat,
it stuck in his belly.
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254. South Park on offense!
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255. Great job, children,
just stay focused now.
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256. Go for it, Pip.
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257. Oh, bother.
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258. Come on, you Frenchy
little frog!
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259. Whoa,
great shot, Pip!
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260. So I hear that
the South Park Cows
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261. are playing for the state
finals in dodgeball tonight.
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262. Yeah, but, you know,
it doesn't matter, though.
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263. The Denver team
always wins, okay.
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264. Oh, I don't know.
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265. I think our boys might just
have the dead fetus to win.
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266. Heart!
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267. Gerald,
keep your damn mouth shut!
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268. It's okay,
Ms. Broflovski, really.
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269. - Please forgive us.
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270. I'm terribly sorry,
Nurse Gollum.
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271. No, I'm quite
secure with it.
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272. - I have felt so bad
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273. ever since I heard the boys
making fun of you.
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274. They're just young boys.
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275. Joking is a way for them
to come to terms
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276. with what they
don't understand.
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277. Could I get
some more pork?
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278. So did you ever think
of just, you know,
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279. having it cut off?
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280. Yes, Principal Victoria,
the thought had occurred to me.
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281. Unfortunately,
it would mean my death.
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282. Oh, so I suppose
that's out.
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283. How about a hat, then?
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284. No, really—
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285. Yes, we could
get you a few hats,
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286. and wear a different one
every day—no big whoop.
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287. I really appreciate
what you're trying to do here,
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288. but it's not necessary.
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289. I'm a pretty happy person.
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290. I've got it!
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291. We could set aside a whole week
to make the public aware
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292. of folks just like you!
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293. Oh, yes.
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294. A conjoined twin myslexia
awareness week.
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295. You know, that has a nice ring.
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296. But I don't think—
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297. The school could put out
pamphlets, okay.
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298. And we could have seminars
to educate, okay.
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299. Oh, this is so exciting!
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300. I'm gonna get the mayor
on the phone right now!
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301. You got
just one more, Pip.
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302. You get this kid,
and we are state champions.
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303. Yeah,
and if you don't,
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304. you're a big dumb-ass
European hippie piece of crap!
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305. Get him, Frenchy.
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306. South Park wins!
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307. We did it, children!
We did it.
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308. We're going to
Washington D.C.!
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309. Owee, it hurts.
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310. Owee!
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311. Mommy, it hurts,
it hurts!
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312. Oh, sorry about whupping
your ass there, Coach!
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313. Ladies and gentlemen,
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314. this is indeed a great week
for South Park.
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315. Miss Hermans has opened
the east wing of the library,
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316. and our own South Park Cows
elementary school dodgeball team
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317. is going to
the national finals!
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318. Where they will undoubtedly
be beaten senseless
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319. by the
Washington team.
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320. But most importantly, this week
has brought to my attention
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321. a very serious
and dreaded disease,
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322. conjoined twin myslexia.
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323. And so it is
in honor of this
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324. that I declare
this exciting week
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325. as conjoined twin
myslexia week!
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326. And now let's kick off
our week-long festivities
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327. with the first annual
grand conjoined parade!
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328. Let's hear it
for these brave souls!
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329. What a glorious parade
that was.
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330. Let's hear it for
the parade coordinators!
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331. You know, Mayor, I really
should be
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332. accompanying those
kids to Washington
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333. in case
they get hurt.
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334. That is my job.
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335. Nonsense, this is your week.
You aren't going anywhere.
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336. - How much further is
Washington D.C.?
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337. Sit down, kid!
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338. - I need to know
how far it is, lady.
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339. I said, sit down!
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340. Yeah, whatever,
you old, dried up fat hog.
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341. What did you say?
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342. I said I've always
wanted to visit Prague.
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343. Oh, me too.
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344. Okay,
what have you got?
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345. Some Hadka fish, some
Gafagga...
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346. I got a jelly roll.
I got a jelly roll!
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347. Sweet,
jelly roll's perfect.
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348. Places.
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349. Damn, man, this is
the big time, all right.
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350. Chef, we're hungry.
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351. You can eat
after the game.
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352. You children win this one
and you're national champions.
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353. Then you can go on
and play the Chinese.
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354. My mom says there's a lot
of black people in China.
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355. What?
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356. Are you Chef?
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357. Yeah.
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358. The Washington team
has forfeited the game.
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359. Congratulations,
you're national champions.
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360. What?
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361. We did it!
Children, we won!
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362. Wow,
that was easy.
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363. Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear a round of applause
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364. for the new national champions
of dodgeball,
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365. the South Park Cows!
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366. Hey, why did
you guys forfeit?
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367. You mean you don't know?
- Know what?
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368. Last year's national
champions
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369. were the Austin
Pirates.
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370. They played China for
the world championship;
Copy !req
371. only four of them
came back alive.
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372. Chinese dodgeball players
aren't like us.
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373. They do nothing but
dodgeball, day in and day out.
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374. They use steroids and
advanced training equipment
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375. to make them not kids,
but animals.
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376. Well, good luck, we've got
our futures to think about.
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377. Okay, children,
back in the bus.
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378. And so,
at this honorary dinner,
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379. we take a look back
at our beloved Nurse Gollum
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380. and the brave life
she has lived.
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381. Roll the tape please,
Mr. Garrison.
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382. Oh, no.
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383. Oh, that was
so touching!
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384. And now, friends,
it's time to present
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385. the lifetime conjoined twin
achievement award.
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386. This award goes to
outstanding conjoined twins
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387. who have made
a mark on society.
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388. And the winner is...
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389. Nurse Gollum.
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390. Nurse Gollum!
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391. Oh, boy.
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392. Excuse me, Mayor,
but I just received some news
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393. that you might all
be interested in.
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394. Our South Park cows
have just beaten
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395. the Washington dodgeball team
and are on their way to
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396. the world championship in
China.
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397. Okay, children,
now we're almost to China.
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398. I want you all to try
and focus on your game.
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399. But, Chef, we don't
want to play the Chinese.
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400. Nonsense! If we win this one,
we're world champions.
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401. But we could get killed!
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402. And just what price would
you pay for eternal glory?
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403. Just imagine a big yellow
dodgeball champion's banner
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404. hanging in the cafeteria—
imagine it.
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405. Dude, chef has lost it.
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406. You'll be on the news
all over the world.
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407. South Park will finally have
a sport that it's good at.
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408. Oh, children,
it'll be glorious.
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409. Sure, Captain Ahab
has to get his way, huh?
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410. Dude,
what does that mean?
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411. I don't know.
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412. Hey, isn't that kid
Kevin Chinese?
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413. Yeah,
you're from China.
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414. No, I'm from America.
My parents are Chinese.
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415. Tell us how the Chinese
play dodgeball.
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416. I have no idea, dude.
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417. Come on, rice picker!
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418. Hey, hey, hey!
Children, that's not cool.
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419. You don't make fun of somebody
because of their ethnicity.
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420. You don't?
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421. But, Chef, you just ripped
on Chinese people.
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422. No, no, no, no,
that's different.
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423. I made fun of them
because they are from China.
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424. You see, it's not okay to
make fun of an American
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425. because they are black,
brown, or whatever.
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426. But it is okay
to make fun of foreigners
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427. because they're
from another country.
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428. Oh!
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429. All right.
- Yeah.
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430. It is with great pride that
we welcome our American friend.
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431. Now let the champion of
dodgeball be decide!
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432. Damn, dude,
China is up.
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433. Take places!
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434. - All right,
let's go, Cows!
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435. Let's show them
what we got!
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436. Okay, Tom,
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437. looks like Americans
are getting ready to play.
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438. I don't suppose they'll have
problems seeing the ball
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439. with their
big American eyes.
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440. Yeah, good thing they have
those big eyes,
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441. so that they don't
have to rely on that
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442. amazing
American intellect.
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443. You say such things.
- That's a zinger.
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444. Play ball!
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445. Ah!
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446. Holy crap.
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447. Ooh!
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448. God damn!
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449. Hey, hey, what you call
white American person
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450. with a PhD in physics
and math?
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451. I don't know, what?
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452. Stupid American!
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453. Oh, boy!
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454. Another American
is down!
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455. It's number—
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456. I don't know.
All American look alike!
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457. Oh, my God,
they killed Kenny!
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458. You bastards.
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459. Oh, my,
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460. I haven't seen an
American die like that
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461. since Abraham Lincoln!
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462. Dude, that is not cool.
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463. You're gonna get us
into trouble again.
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464. Ladies and gentlemen,
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465. on this fourth day of
Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week,
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466. all our prayers are with
our little South Park Cows,
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467. now playing
their hearts out in China.
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468. Now join me
in saluting our Cows
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469. and help make Nurse Gollum
not feel like an outcast
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470. with our first official
conjoined twin myslexia hats!
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471. And there is only one
South Park player left!
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472. Still all
Chinese player!
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473. This should be over
very shortly!
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474. Come on! Throw ball!
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475. Hey, you want to hear my
impersonation of American?
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476. Yeah, yeah.
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477. Okay.
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478. Hey, I really,
really want that.
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479. That looks good.
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480. Hey, hey, let me try,
let me try.
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481. I'll use
my credit card.
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482. Do you have any
non-dairy creamer?
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483. Y'all come back
now, hear?
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484. Oh, what have I done?
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485. You know, Eric,
I just realized something.
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486. I've been obsessed,
and obsession isn't good.
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487. If we had won the world
championship, what then?
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488. It would only be a bigger
let down the next year
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489. if we didn't win.
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490. Our lives would have to
revolve around dodgeball.
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491. Our lives
were fine before.
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492. Oh, I'm sorry children.
I let it all go to my head.
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493. Can you ever
forgive me?
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494. Come on, forget this stupid
game. Let's go home.
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495. Come on, throw ball!
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496. Hey, if you want to make him
throw the ball say this...
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497. Thanks, you American
dumb-ass!
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498. "You French
piece of crap,
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499. "throw ball!
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500. "What's the matter,
Frenchy?
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501. You got crepes
in your ears?"
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502. And the winner is
South Park Cows!
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503. Everyone, everyone,
look, I won the game!
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504. We're world champions.
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505. Mr. Chef,
Mr. Chef,
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506. South Park is the world
champion in dodgeball!
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507. Oh, glorious day!
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508. Shut up, Pip.
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509. Yeah, shut up, Pip.
Can we go home now?
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510. Did you all see?
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511. I can't believe I threw
such a ball with my own arm.
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512. Shut up, Pip!
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513. As this year's Conjoined Twin
Myslexia Awareness Week
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514. draws to a close,
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515. I would like to personally
thank all of you
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516. for your enthusiastic
cooperation.
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517. Now let's hear it
one more time
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518. for our world champion
South Park Cows!
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519. What the hell is everyone
wearing on their heads?
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520. And now let's hear from
the woman of the week.
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521. The incredible, courageous
Nurse Gollum!
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522. Ah!
- Dude, it's the freak nurse!
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523. Holy crap!
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524. Damn it, Kyle.
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525. We've been working all week
against that kind of behavior.
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526. Sorry, dude,
we weren't here.
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527. Thank you, Mayor,
I don't know what to say.
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528. This has been
quite a week.
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529. She's really touched.
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530. What I really want to say is,
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531. well, this may sound odd
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532. coming from a woman with a
fetus sticking out of her head,
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533. but, you're all
a bunch of freaks!
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534. Uh, freaks with
big hearts!
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535. And now—
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536. - Don't you realize that
the last thing I ever wanted
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537. was to be singled out?
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538. I just wanted to do my job
and live my life
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539. like any
normal person,
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540. but instead you've made
everybody focus
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541. on my handicap
all week long!
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542. Look, I don't want to be
treated different.
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543. I don't want to be treated
special or treated gingerly.
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544. I just want to be ridiculed,
shouted at, and made fun of,
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545. like all the rest of you
do to each other.
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546. And take those stupid things
off your heads!
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547. Oh, my, what an
ungrateful bitch.
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548. Yeah, the nerve
of some people.
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549. Hey, you know that nurse
is actually pretty cool.
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550. Yeah, maybe that dead fetus
makes her smarter.
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551. I love you guys.
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552. Screw you guys.
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