South Park 2x17

1. Settle down, children.

2. I have some difficult news.

3. This is going to make you all very sad.

4. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher.

5. There's a possibility that I'll be let go

6. and never allowed to teach you again.

7. Yes, Stanley? - That's okay with us.

8. Yeah. - Yeah, we don't care.

9. No, it isn't, it makes you very sad!

10. Now, apparently, the school board thinks

11. that I don't teach you anything about current events,

12. so tomorrow they're gonna have you do presentations

13. for the whole board.

14. "Current events in South Park."

15. Now, I want you all to read a newspaper,

16. or, better yet, watch television,

17. and come up with something current in South Park

18. to do a report on.

19. Now, this will be a group project,

20. so I'm gonna place you all into groups of five.

21. Let's see...

22. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde,

23. Pip, and Token, you'll be group one.

24. And group two will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, and...

25. and Tweek.

26. Ah! - Oh, not Tweek.

27. We don't want to be in a group with Tweek.

28. There's nothing wrong with Tweek.

29. I bet he'll do a great job in your group.

30. I can't take that kind of pressure!

31. No, sweet Jesus, please!

32. Dude, we can't work with this kid.

33. That's what Chad Everett thought

34. when the new female intern joined

35. the cast of "Medical Center."

36. He thought, "Who is this woman

37. with her gazungas and high heels?

38. What does she know about medicine?"

39. Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother

40. with a kidney transplant, so you see?

41. No.

42. - Well, let me put it another way.

43. You have to give your oral report

44. to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow,

45. and if it doesn't kick ass and you make me look bad,

46. Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up.

47. Wah!

48. Hello there, customer. - Hello, how are you today?

49. Great, what can I get for you?

50. Large coffee? Small coffee?

51. I'm actually interested in something else.

52. I'm John Postum

53. from the Harbucks Coffee corporation.

54. Oh, you're that corporate guy who's been calling.

55. That's right.

56. How come you don't call me back?

57. All we want to do is buy out your coffee shop here.

58. Oh, forget it, my store is not for sale.

59. My company is prepared to make you a very generous offer.

60. This is a Cramsonite briefcase. All leather.

61. It has four compartments and a keyless lock.

62. Interested?

63. I don't think so.

64. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me.

65. All right, how about $500,000?

66. The answer is still no, Mr. Postum.

67. You see, when my father opened this store 30 years ago,

68. he cared about only one thing—

69. making a great cup of coffee.

70. Sure, we may take a little longer to brew a cup,

71. and we may not call it fancy names,

72. but I guess we just care a little more.

73. And that's why Tweek coffee is still homebrewed

74. from the finest beans we can muster.

75. Yes, Tweek coffee is a simpler coffee,

76. for a simpler America.

77. Well, that's too bad.

78. We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks

79. right next door to you.

80. But that could put me out of business.

81. Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal.

82. Get used to it.

83. Hello, Mr. Tweek.

84. - Hi, Officer Barbrady. - Who was that?

85. Oh, just some dong. What can I get for you?

86. The usual.

87. Oh!

88. Thanks, see you tomorrow.

89. Bye-bye.

90. Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so—

91. Ah!

92. So let's figure out what to do it about.

93. How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV?

94. You know, everybody loves Raymond.

95. No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again!

96. It has to be on a current event in South Park.

97. Tweek, do you have any ideas?

98. Ah! Too much pressure!

99. Great. A lot of help you are, kid.

100. The gnomes! - What?

101. We can do our report on the gnomes.

102. What gnomes?

103. The underpants gnomes, the little guys that...

104. that come in your room late, late at night,

105. and steal your underpants.

106. Oh, so that's where all my underpants go!

107. - Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

108. - Yeah, I've never seen any underpants gnomes.

109. - They come out at 3:30 in the morning.

110. Most people aren't up then, but I am.

111. I can't sleep... ever.

112. - We can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes.

113. Mr. Garrison will fail us because you're making it up.

114. - No, sleep at my house tonight!

115. I'll prove it to you.

116. They want me to sell the store,

117. and it's so much money.

118. Some things are more important than money.

119. The people of South Park count on you

120. to give them that first cup of coffee every day.

121. I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next

122. door, we might go out of business.

123. They really have my balls in a vice grip.

124. Oh, hello, son. How was your day?

125. Ah! - That's good.

126. Who are your little friends?

127. What do you mean?

128. We're his oral report buddies.

129. Yeah, we have to stay up all night to write it.

130. Well, have some coffee, boys.

131. I'll brew up another pot for later.

132. Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.

133. Oh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh.

134. Country fresh,

135. like the morning after a rainstorm.

136. Kay... maybe it'll help us figure out

137. what to do our report on.

138. We have to present it to the entire

139. South Park town committee tomorrow.

140. - Oh, I've got one for you.

141. How about doing a report on how large corporations

142. take over little family-owned businesses?

143. Richard! - No, I'm serious, hon.

144. These boys should learn

145. how the corporate machine is ruining America.

146. You see, I own a coffee shop, and now

147. a great big multimillion-dollar company

148. is going to move in

149. and try to take all my business,

150. which means I may have to shut down

151. and sell my son Tweek into slavery.

152. Ah! Slavery?

153. Yes, slavery. - Wow, that sucks, dude.

154. They really have my balls in a salad shooter.

155. We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.

156. Yeah. - Now, Tweek.

157. How many times do we have to tell you?

158. Your underpants are missing because you lose them,

159. not because of underpants gnomes.

160. Ah! - Come on, you guys.

161. We better get to work!

162. Okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject.

163. Honestly, Richard,

164. I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year-olds.

165. Actually, honey,

166. I think those little tykes are just what we need.

167. I've got an idea.

168. Man, this stuff is strong. - It's kind of bitter.

169. What if my parents go out of business?

170. What'll I do? - Don't worry about it.

171. But we'll starve and die like dogs!

172. Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare.

173. Look at Kenny's family.

174. They're perfectly happy being poor

175. and on welfare, right, Kenny?

176. You suck, Kenny.

177. Well, let's just try to finish all this coffee

178. so we can stay up.

179. Whoo-hoo!

180. - Yes! This stuff rocks!

181. Totally, dude! I feel awesome!

182. Whoopee!

183. You guys! You guys! Seriously!

184. Check me out! I'm a sorcerer!

185. Check it out, guys!

186. Hey, Tweek, do you have any more of this stuff?

187. We just have grounds. - Killer!

188. Hey, let me have some grounds!

189. Gross, Cartman! Whoopee!

190. Oh, my stomach hurts.

191. Yeah, mine too. I wonder why.

192. Well, it's 3:30, and I don't see

193. any Goddamn underpants gnomes, Tweek.

194. Ah! Maybe it was all in my head!

195. Maybe I'm going insane!

196. Oh, no, I'm going insane!

197. Well, this is just great.

198. We haven't gotten anything done,

199. and we're totally screwed.

200. How's the report going, boys? - Bad.

201. Oh, do you need some more coffee?

202. No... more... coffee.

203. Well, boys, I don't mean to pry, but,

204. if you want it, I wrote your report for you.

205. You did?

206. Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers.

207. Of course, you don't have to use it.

208. No, we'll use it!

209. All right, and it can be our little secret

210. about who wrote it, right?

211. Sure!

212. Now, when you give the report,

213. just make sure that you read this part first, all right?

214. There they are.

215. And then someone should do

216. the second part and really, really play it up.

217. Really, really play the sympathy angle.

218. They'll like that.

219. You'll probably get a passing grade for that.

220. You guys, look, look, you're missing it!

221. Ah, they took 'em again! - Thanks, dude!

222. My pleasure. Good night, boys.

223. Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks.

224. Why do they torture me like this?

225. Why can't they leave me alone?

226. Damn it, what the hell is wrong with you, Tweek?

227. They took my underpants again.

228. Soon they'll want my blood... blood!

229. "And as the voluminous corporate automaton

230. bulldozes its way through bantam America..."

231. "What will become

232. of the endeavoring American family?"

233. I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat.

234. "Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine."

235. Ah!

236. - And that's our report. I guess.

237. Well, boys, it's obvious that you didn't even—

238. Great job! - Yes, great job.

239. Boys, you have really opened our eyes.

240. We didn't even know this was happening.

241. Neither did we.

242. Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like

243. we were wrong about you.

244. You really are teaching these kids something.

245. Yeah, well, I don't want to sound

246. like a dick hole, but I told you so.

247. I am really moved.

248. I say we follow these boys' cause.

249. Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers!

250. Lead the way, boys!

251. Huh? - Ah, too much pressure!

252. - Good! Good!

253. Now, make sure that sign is really bright and flashy, now!

254. - My goodness, that's going to be a huge coffeehouse, honey.

255. - Yes, it is.

256. They really have my balls in a juicemaker.

257. Oh, hello, son. Uh, how did your report go?

258. Wah! - I think it went really good.

259. Those people really got into it.

260. Really?

261. Well, son, you might have just saved the family business.

262. What do you have to say about that?

263. I need coffee! - I know how you boys feel.

264. Sometimes a hot cup of French roast amaretto

265. is just what a man needs to get him through the day.

266. That smooth aroma and mild taste

267. is what makes Tweek coffee so very special,

268. special like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew,

269. a light rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon

270. or a hug from your dear old auntie—

271. Dad! - What?

272. The metaphors, man. - Oh, sorry.

273. Here you go.

274. Hey, do you ever think maybe you shouldn't

275. give your son coffee?

276. Like how do you mean?

277. Like look at him.

278. He's always shaking and nervous.

279. Oh, that.

280. He has ADD, attention deficit disorder.

281. That's why he's so jittery all the time.

282. Mr. Tweek.

283. We've only just heard.

284. Oh, hello, committee members. What a surprise.

285. So this is the corporate bulldozer

286. trying to push you off the map?

287. Yes, how did you hear?

288. These boys did an excellent report for us this morning.

289. They're so upset by this whole thing.

290. My butt hurts. - Don't worry, Mr. Tweek.

291. This committee is not going to let you

292. be run out of business by these bastards!

293. You hear that?

294. You're not gonna get away with this, you whore!

295. Excuse me?

296. Boys, we've talked it over,

297. and we want you to take your case to the mayor.

298. Our case? - Ah! No way, man!

299. That is way too much pressure!

300. Oh, you'll do fine, son.

301. Come on, boys, let's go!

302. - Aw, man, this sucks!

303. - Ah!

304. And we would have never even known that this was happening

305. if not for these boys' excellent report.

306. You're telling me that students

307. from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something

308. that had some kind of relevance to the world?

309. That's right.

310. Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?

311. Yes.

312. Well, I must say, Garrison,

313. perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy

314. as I always tell people you are.

315. Thank you, Mayor.

316. I don't want to sound like a dick hole, but I—

317. Mayor, these boys want

318. that Harbucks Coffee shut down right now!

319. Yeah! - Yeah!

320. - Well, I can't just shut them down.

321. This is a free country.

322. - But they're ruining our city!

323. - Look, the best I can do is create a proposition.

324. We'll call it Prop 10.

325. The town can vote on it, and if it passes,

326. we'll see what we can do.

327. Hooray!

328. - What do you say, boys?

329. We're gonna pass a law!

330. Uh... hooray.

331. So I guess you want to do some campaigning.

332. You can do commercials and things like that,

333. and then we'll have a vote in the middle of town,

334. and obviously if more than 50% of the people...

335. Ah!

336. And want Harbucks out, then they're out.

337. So good luck to you.

338. Didn't you see them?

339. All right, what's next?

340. Next is Issue 37D, missing underpants.

341. Is it cold in here?

342. Oh, boys, could I have a quick this-and-that with you?

343. Boys, I don't know who wrote that report,

344. but now that you've convinced everybody,

345. you better stick with it,

346. 'cause if these people find out

347. you didn't really write that paper

348. and I actually do get fired,

349. then Mr. Hat is gonna do horrible things to you.

350. Oh, not that, Mr. Hat!

351. That's really horrible!

352. Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys.

353. Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?

354. - Live! It's the South Park town hall meeting

355. on public access!

356. Tonight's topic, Prop 10!

357. Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park?

358. That's tonight's topic.

359. On my left,

360. five innocent, starry-eyed boys

361. from Middle America.

362. On my right, a big fat smelly corporate guy from New York.

363. Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!

364. All right, Mr. Douchebag.

365. Postum! - Oh, pardon me, Mr. Ass Face.

366. Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument.

367. My argument is simple.

368. This country is founded on free enterprise.

369. Harbucks is an organization that...

370. An organization that prides itself

371. on great coffee!

372. We simply want— ah, to hell with you!

373. Okay, Uck-Up-Fay,

374. Now, for the other side of the argument,

375. we turn to our young, handsome lads.

376. Boys, your thoughts?

377. Come on, boys, don't be shy.

378. What's your principal argument?

379. Uh... - Uh...

380. This guy sucks ass!

381. Great argument! You win, boys!

382. What?

383. That was close, Mr. Hat.

384. What is the future of America?

385. Is it the money we make?

386. The quests we conquer?

387. No. It's children.

388. So what do children have to say about Prop 10?

389. I don't like big corporations.

390. I like small businesses.

391. I believe in the family-owned enterprise.

392. Ah!

393. It's time to stop large corporations.

394. Prop 10 is about children.

395. Vote yes on Prop 10, or else you hate children.

396. You don't hate children... do you?

397. Remember, keep American business small,

398. or else.

399. Paid for by Citizens for a Fair

400. and Equal Way to Get Harbucks Coffee

401. Kicked Out of Town Forever.

402. - Well? What do you think?

403. Wow, it's great!

404. Yes, it is!

405. We'll put it on the air immediately!

406. What do you think, hon?

407. Hon? What's the matter?

408. I have a big problem with this.

409. What do you mean?

410. We're just using those boys for our benefit.

411. They have no idea what they're saying.

412. - But kids are great to get people on our side.

413. You don't just throw a child in a political commercial

414. to sell your beliefs.

415. I won't be a part of this anymore.

416. Honey, all's fair in love and war.

417. And coffee.

418. Hon? Hon?

419. Take your corporate coffee

420. and go back to New York City!

421. It's people like you

422. who are ruining Main Street, USA!

423. How many Native Americans did you slaughter

424. to make that coffee, huh?

425. Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee.

426. I'll have to try and appeal to the younger crowd.

427. Hey, kids, I'm Camel Joe,

428. and I love a fresh cup of coffee.

429. It's yum-diddly-iscious.

430. And it makes you feel super!

431. I have a surprise for you.

432. The new kiddie-cino from Harbucks!

433. More sugar and all the other goodies kids like

434. with all the caffeine of a normal double latte.

435. No, Billy, no coffee for you.

436. You should be ashamed of yourself.

437. Using cartoons to push caffeine on children!

438. Why don't you go back to the hole

439. you crawled out from, lady?

440. Uh, Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got

441. a lot to learn about making coffee.

442. Oh, and you don't?

443. Your coffee tastes like three-day-old moldy diarrhea.

444. I'm sorry to inform you that this town

445. is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes,

446. you're gonna be thrown out of town.

447. What?

448. At 5:00, the best coffee wins:

449. either your coffee

450. or a fresh warm cup of Tweek's coffee.

451. Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age,

452. you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day.

453. Tomorrow for the Prop 10 vote,

454. we'll set up ballot booths... here.

455. All right, and then we'll throw up the stage here.

456. Before the vote,

457. we'll get a band everyone likes,

458. like, uh, like...

459. Toto. - Like Toto.

460. And then the Harbucks guy will have

461. five minutes to speak, and the boys will have

462. five minutes to speak, and then the town votes!

463. - Uh, boys, you better get your asses to work.

464. What now?

465. They're expecting you to give a big speech

466. on corporate takeovers,

467. and this time it has to last five minutes.

468. Oh, God! When is this gonna end?

469. Your dad really screwed us, Tweek.

470. Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this!

471. I'm to blame for everything!

472. So what are we gonna say?

473. Why can't we just read the paper we wrote last time?

474. 'Cause then they'll know we didn't write it, dummy!

475. We have to be original.

476. - Does anybody know anything about corporations?

477. I think my mom is a corporation.

478. Yeah, that makes sense.

479. You guys! Shh!

480. Well, how about we just say, corporate should be stopped.

481. How do we stretch that into five minutes?

482. They're taking my underpants!

483. - Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Tweek?

484. We have to work here!

485. Ah!

486. What the hell?

487. Well, I'll be damned.

488. That's my last pair of underpants!

489. Shh, don't scare him.

490. Hey there, little guy.

491. Bad!

492. Cartman! - What?

493. Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?

494. Well, look at him, he's all, you know... look at him.

495. Is that all you got, pussy?

496. What? - Hey, he talked.

497. Yeah, he called me a pussy.

498. I'm not a pussy! You're a pussy!

499. You're a pussy, pussy!

500. Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?

501. Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid.

502. Stealing underpants, big business!

503. Business? Wait, do you know anything about business?

504. Sure, that's what gnomes do!

505. Show us! - Okay, follow me!

506. Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy.

507. Pussy gnome.

508. - Not much longer now!

509. Are you taking us to your little pussy house?

510. No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village.

511. Oh, your pussy village?

512. Cartman, will you just shut up

513. and let him show us?

514. Follow me!

515. I hope we're not wasting our time

516. with this little pecker.

517. - Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it

518. in this town.

519. All right, boys, that's it!

520. Pack it up! We're moving out of town!

521. - Aw, but we just finished!

522. - I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here.

523. - But what will become of us?

524. - Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez.

525. Jesus Christ.

526. - Damn, dude, this place is huge.

527. - Yeah, it's almost as big as Cartman's ass.

528. - No, it isn't, you guys.

529. - This is where all our work is done.

530. - So what are you gonna do

531. with all these underpants you steal?

532. Collecting underpants is just phase one.

533. Phase one, collect underpants.

534. So what's phase two?

535. Hey, what's phase two?

536. Phase one, we collect underpants.

537. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about phase two?

538. Well, phase three is profit! Get it?

539. I don't get it.

540. You see, phase one, collect underpants.

541. Phase two...

542. Phase three, profit!

543. Oh, I get it.

544. No you don't, fat-ass!

545. Do you guys know anything about corporations?

546. You bet we do!

547. Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations!

548. Jesus Christ, look out!

549. Oh, my God, they killed Kenny.

550. You bastards. Listen.

551. We have to give a huge speech tomorrow

552. about corporate takeovers.

553. Holy shit! We killed your friend!

554. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look, we gotta know

555. about corporate takeovers tomorrow, or we're screwed.

556. Christ! We squished him like a bug!

557. - Do you know anything about corporate takeovers?

558. Well, we can explain that to you easily.

559. Yes, for a price. - What?

560. You know. - Underpants?

561. Underpants!

562. Toto, ladies and gentlemen!

563. Yeah, Toto! Whoo, Toto! Whoo!

564. All right, and now,

565. before we all vote yes on Prop 10,

566. here to remind us why

567. are the lovable, innocent children.

568. - Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers,

569. we went and asked our friends the underpants gnomes,

570. and they told us all about big corporations.

571. Underpants gnomes? - Big corporations are good!

572. What? - Good?

573. Because, without big corporations,

574. we wouldn't have things

575. like cars and computers and canned soup.

576. Even Harbucks Coffee started off

577. as a small little business,

578. but because it made such great coffee

579. and because they ran their business so well,

580. they managed to grow and grow until it became

581. the corporate powerhouse it is today.

582. And that is why we should all let Harbucks stay!

583. That's not what you said last time!

584. Uh... well, the truth is,

585. we didn't write that paper last time.

586. You little turd!

587. You ruined my life for the last time!

588. These boys are absolutely right.

589. We've been using these poor kids

590. to pull at your heartstrings for our cause,

591. and it's wrong.

592. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner.

593. You keep protesting and complaining,

594. but did any of you ever even bother

595. to taste Harbucks Coffee?

596. Harbucks Coffee got to where it is by being the best.

597. Don't you think you should at least try it?

598. Hey! This is pretty damn good!

599. Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw sewage taste

600. that Tweek's coffee has.

601. Hey... hey, that is good.

602. It's a French roast.

603. It's subtle and mild.

604. Mild like that first splash of sun on an April morning.

605. This coffee is coffee the way it should be.

606. Hey, no hard feelings, Tweek.

607. You know, we still need someone to run

608. this Harbucks coffeehouse.

609. I'm sure it will make a lot of money.

610. Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be fine

611. with the money we make selling our son into slavery.

612. Ah! - Just kidding, son.

613. I love you guys.