South Park 2x13

1. Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it

2. to the final round. Are you ready to play

3. - for the grand prize? - We're ready, Bob.

4. Any particular prize you're hoping for?

5. Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too.

6. - Oh, anywhere would be great.

7. - Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck.

8. Here we go.

9. What is the thin flap of skin

10. that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?

11. Oh, wait, wait. I know this.

12. The... Upper vascular hood.

13. I'm sorry, but you're absolutely right!

14. Fred, tell them what they've won.

15. Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats

16. because you're going to beautiful

17. South Park, Colorado.

18. Where?

19. That's right, just in time for Cow Days,

20. the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.

21. Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days,

22. and you're gonna be a part of it.

23. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 Hotel on Bernard Road,

24. and enjoy festivities including prizes, rides,

25. and of course, the world-famous

26. Running of the Cows.

27. Congratulations, Tom and Mary.

28. Well, Tom and Mary, you must be very excited.

29. What was second prize again?

30. That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...

31. "Ooh, What The Hell Is That?"

32. Oh, shit.

33. Oh.

34. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off

35. the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days.

36. As most of you know,

37. Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate

38. and thank the noble, gentle cow.

39. And now the chairman

40. of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern.

41. - This year is a very special Cow Days

42. because we're revealing our all-new cow memorial,

43. which will live forever in South Park

44. from this day forward. Release the curtain.

45. Moo.

46. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

47. Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years.

48. We have to make the best of it.

49. Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey.

50. We just need to stay positive.

51. Now get out to the carnival

52. and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games.

53. Hey, come over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.

54. Wow, dude, check it out.

55. We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.

56. Are those real Terrance and Phillip dolls?

57. They look all crappy.

58. Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.

59. Sure, they're real. They're even made in Canada.

60. Really? - Yeah, look,

61. they're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.

62. Wow! - Dude, that kicks ass!

63. Dude, I got to win those. How much to play?

64. Five dollars for three balls.

65. Five dollars, Jesus Christ!

66. Don't worry, kid. It's easy.

67. You just gotta put one ball through

68. Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth. - That's easy.

69. Okay. We got a player.

70. All right, check it out.

71. Damn it! - It's okay, son,

72. you still got two balls to try

73. and get through her yapper.

74. Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!

75. You suck, Cartman.

76. I'd like to see you do you better.

77. Give me that.

78. Hey, it hit her right in the mouth.

79. It's got to go through her mouth.

80. But it— - Sorry, kid. Try again.

81. Just five more dollars.

82. Hey, give me some money, Cartman.

83. - Yeah. - Give me money, fat boy.

84. I only have $3 left, asshole.

85. Damn it, come on, I'll try to get more money

86. from my mom. - Okay, everybody,

87. it's time for the Running of the Cows.

88. Ma, give me some money.

89. Kyle, what are you doing here?

90. This is very dangerous.

91. I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.

92. - Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant.

93. You can't be out on the streets.

94. I will if you give me money. - Okay, here.

95. Sweet. - Okay, everybody,

96. okay, settle down. Now, I know you're all anxious

97. to get to the Running of the Cows,

98. but let me remind you those brave souls

99. who have decided to run against the cows through town

100. do so at they're own risk.

101. I don't think I have to remind you

102. that three people died at last year's Running of the Cows.

103. With that said,

104. let's rock and roll!

105. Everybody ready to run?

106. Release the cows.

107. They're loose.

108. Yee-haa!

109. Huh. Huh.

110. Okay, we've got $15 between us.

111. That means we get 9 balls to throw.

112. I only need one, dude. I only need one.

113. Come one, come all, get in line now

114. for the Chamber of Farts.

115. What's that? - Dare you enter

116. the Chamber of Farts? - How much is it?

117. Just three tickets, boys.

118. Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?

119. Is it like a haunted house or something?

120. Sure, it's very scary.

121. Let's see, each ticket is a $1,

122. so three tickets is like $2.25...

123. No, we can't, dude, we have to win

124. the Terrance and Phillip dolls. - Oh, come on, you guys.

125. We still have plenty of money left over.

126. You'd better be right, dude. - I'm right.

127. Keep your hands inside at all times.

128. Okay.

129. So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh?

130. Don't be afraid.

131. There aren't any ghouls here,

132. only farts.

133. Ah, Goddamn it!

134. What the hell was that?

135. Perhaps you need some more farts!

136. All right, boys. Ride's over.

137. That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen.

138. Yeah, what the hell kind of carnival company are you?

139. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

140. That scared the crap out of me.

141. That was a waste of money, Cartman.

142. Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line.

143. It's only seven tickets.

144. We can't. We're saving our money

145. for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.

146. Kyle, will you relax, you pink-eye!

147. We have plenty of money.

148. Come on, you guys, it'll be sweet.

149. Moo.

150. Moo.

151. This ride better be good.

152. Yeah, this line is way too long.

153. I think we're almost to the end.

154. We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour.

155. Here we go. - Finally.

156. Did you enjoy the ride?

157. What ride? - Yeah.

158. This was the line ride, a real-life simulator

159. of a long line.

160. You've gotta be kidding me.

161. That's five tickets. Thank you very much.

162. Come see us again soon.

163. My ass, we will.

164. Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion,

165. but I think the line ride sucked donkey balls.

166. Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.

167. Would you like to buy a photo of you boys

168. enjoying the line ride?

169. How much? - Just three dollars.

170. Oh, that's pretty sweet.

171. You dumb ass, Cartman. - What? This is cool.

172. No, it's not cool. - Is too!

173. Can I help you boys?

174. We're gonna try win those Terrance and Phillip dolls.

175. Okay, $5 for three balls.

176. How much do we have left, Cartman?

177. How much do we have left, Cartman?

178. Uh, $3. - What?

179. You said we had plenty of money, Cartman.

180. Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact

181. that I suck at math. - You son of a bitch!

182. Well, Cartman thanks to you, we don't have any money left

183. to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.

184. Well, I'm sorry. - Sorry's not good enough.

185. What are you gonna do about it?

186. Hey, I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him.

187. Sir, will you take food stamps for three balls?

188. Sure as long as they're good.

189. Give him your food stamps, Kenny.

190. - Uh-uh. - Come on, dude.

191. I can do it. I'm sure.

192. - Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food stamp hog!

193. Share with the rest of your friends!

194. Okay, here we go.

195. Hey, that was right on target. - Sorry, kid, try again.

196. That does it, shenanigans, shenanigans!

197. What are you doing?

198. I'm declaring shenanigans on you.

199. This game is rigged. - Shenanigans?

200. What's all the hoo-ha?

201. Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare shenanigans

202. on this carnival operator. - Why?

203. This game is fixed. The balls are bigger

204. than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.

205. If that is true, then your declaration

206. of shenanigans is just.

207. What do you have to say, carnival operator?

208. Look, the kid was really close.

209. He still has another ball left.

210. Let's try again, son.

211. Here ya go.

212. There, ya see? We have a winner.

213. It worked. - Young man, you can't just go

214. declaring shenanigans on innocent people.

215. That's how wars get started.

216. Sorry, Officer Butt-baby. - Barbrady.

217. Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?

218. You said Butt-baby.

219. Okay, kid, you won.

220. You get to pick between the Barbie pocket mirror

221. and the Bon Jovi toothpick.

222. No, dude, I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.

223. Oh, no, you got to win 7 times to earn those.

224. What? - You win 7 Bon Jovi

225. toothpicks, then you can trade them in

226. for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.

227. You dirty son of a bitch!

228. You never told us that we had to—

229. - Step on up, just $5 to play.

230. Damn it, I have to have those dolls!

231. This is hopeless. We're never gonna have

232. enough money to win. - Wait a minute, I've got it.

233. The bull riding contest.

234. Cartman could ride a bull and try to win $5,000.

235. Think about it, dude, $5,000!

236. That's 1,000 set of balls. That's 3,000 balls.

237. We'd have to win enough to get the dolls.

238. What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?

239. Because you spent all of our money

240. on those stupid rides, fat ass.

241. Now, either you're getting on a bull

242. or I'm gonna break your fucking head open.

243. Okay, I'll get on the bull.

244. All right. Now come on,

245. you have to practice.

246. He really wants those dolls. - I guess, damn.

247. That ride wasn't very good.

248. Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.

249. You're right. I'm sorry, honey.

250. I'll try and have a good time.

251. Moo, moo.

252. Moo, moo.

253. All right, this mechanical bull is gonna help you

254. practice for the real thing, Cartman.

255. Hey, this is sweet. - You got to try and stay on

256. for ten seconds, okay, Cartman?

257. I'll try, ten seconds is a long time.

258. We'll start on the slowest setting

259. and work our way up. Ready, go.

260. Ah, son of a bitch.

261. How long was that? - That wasn't ten seconds.

262. Damn it! That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman.

263. You have to do better than that.

264. My back.

265. Get back on, fat ass. You have to practice.

266. Help.

267. Screw you guys, I hate you guys.

268. What did you say, Cartman?

269. Hate you guys.

270. - I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.

271. Hate you guys.

272. Be careful with old Bob, here.

273. He ain't much for riding anymore,

274. but he's all I got. - Well, he'll have to do.

275. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.

276. Well, have fun, boys.

277. Okay, Cartman, you ready? - Na.

278. Open the gate.

279. Oh, yeah, God damn, this is my kind of bull ride.

280. That bull sucks, he's not even bucking or anything.

281. Yeah, this is sweet. - What are you gonna do?

282. - Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.

283. - Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

284. That's better. - Hold on, Cartman.

285. Jane, stop this crazy thing!

286. Motherfu—

287. Get up, Cartman, you're still not staying on long enough.

288. Come on, Cartman.

289. Oh, my God! They killed Cartman!

290. No, we didn't kill him. He's still breathing.

291. Get up!

292. Get up!

293. You okay, dude?

294. Cartman, hello? Hello.

295. Dude, I think we broke him.

296. Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend

297. has suffered head trauma. - What's the matter with him?

298. Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese

299. prostitute named Ming Lee. - Oh.

300. But can he still ride a bull? - What?

301. We need him to win the bull riding contest

302. so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls.

303. Can he still do it? - No, boys.

304. You need to take him home and let him get

305. plenty of sleep. - Damn it!

306. Cartman, Cartman?

307. Can you hear me?

308. What?

309. Oh, he's fine, dude. - You think?

310. Oh, yeah, dude, let's get his ass to the rodeo.

311. All right, damn it, we're not gonna stand for this.

312. Now who ever stole our Golden Cow Memorial,

313. we're gonna find you and kill you!

314. All right, how about this?

315. Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return him

316. and there'll be no questions asked.

317. Wait a minute, you folks from out of town,

318. you're the only ones with a reason to take

319. our beloved cow memorial.

320. Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall

321. statue of a cow? - Well, I think maybe

322. you'll answer that downtown, tourist.

323. Oh, my God!

324. How's he doing? - He still thinks he's

325. a Vietnamese prostitute.

326. Do you think he can ride the bull?

327. Yeah, I think so. - Cool.

328. Hello. Hello.

329. Soldier boy? Hey, soldier boy?

330. Huh? - Hello, soldier boy.

331. Me so horny. Me love you long time.

332. Go away, kid, you're grossing me out.

333. Suckie, suckie.

334. Beat it, kid. Come on, honey.

335. Come one, come all, the Chamber of Farts

336. has been fixed and is reopened.

337. Jesus, dude. - Hey, where's Cartman?

338. Oh, hell.

339. Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to sign him up

340. - for the bull ride. - Okay.

341. Oh, it's so cold here.

342. Where is that Sheriff? We need water.

343. - Oh, well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.

344. You're right. We're not being positive.

345. At least we get some time alone.

346. Yeah, and at least we've got our health.

347. I'll tell you, Mitchell,

348. I ain't never seen nothing like it.

349. Where are they again?

350. Just right up over this ridge.

351. That's what they've been doing all morning,

352. just sitting there and mooing.

353. And more cows come all the time.

354. Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither,

355. But I know one thing, when cows start getting together,

356. it can't be good.

357. They might start forming a cult.

358. Hmm, cow cult.

359. Here it is, the granddaddy of them all.

360. The South Park Cow Days rodeo!

361. Let's begin the bull riding event,

362. grand prize $5,000.

363. Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?

364. I don't know can't find him.

365. - He's up in like 20 minutes.

366. There he is.

367. - Suckie, suckie, $5.

368. - There they are, just like we told you.

369. - Okay, that's enough of that. You cows need to disperse?

370. All right, bad cows, did ya hear me?

371. Bad cows!

372. All right, Ned, you're gonna have to bust out the whip.

373. Haiyaaa.

374. Get along, little doggies.

375. Bad cows, stay. Stay.

376. Ah!

377. - Holy crow. Play dead, Ned.

378. - I reckon we should get some help.

379. - I reckon.

380. - Don't be nervous, Cartman, this is gonna be cake!

381. - Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours.

382. - Suckie, suckie, $5?

383. - Up first, number 24,

384. Jack McMac!

385. Three, two, one!

386. Yeehaw!

387. Yeehaw!

388. Oh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction.

389. Up next number 14, Ming Lee!

390. $10, $8, you give me $8, soldier boy!

391. Here we go!

392. Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.

393. What do you mean? - I'm starting to think that

394. maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks

395. they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.

396. Let her go!

397. Suckie, suckie! - Hang on, Cartman!

398. Whoa, and this Vietnamese prostitute

399. can really ride a bull!

400. I guess she's had a lot of practice,

401. if you know what I mean.

402. Ah! $10!

403. $10, soldier boy!

404. She's setting a new world record!

405. Ming Lee! Ming Lee! Ming Lee!

406. Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.

407. Go help him, Kenny!

408. Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

409. You bastards!

410. And this brave, little whore from the East

411. has really put on a show for us today.

412. The winner of the bull riding contest...

413. Ming Lee! - Oh, suckie, suckie. Only $10.

414. We did it, dude! We did it!

415. Freeze, cows! The game is over!

416. You will now return to your respective towns.

417. Ya hear that, cows?

418. You're surrounded, there's no way out!

419. You will now all march

420. in an orderly fashion into this trailer!

421. Move!

422. Hey, where's she going?

423. That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!

424. Oh, dear Jesus, no!

425. No!

426. They're killing themselves!

427. Stop, please!

428. Can't we do anything?

429. Oh, God! The humanity, Ned! The humanity.

430. This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in...

431. at least 8 months.

432. Ah, you boys are back again, huh?

433. Yeah, and we have $5,000 this time.

434. How many balls does that get us?

435. I'll tell you what, boys,

436. I'm gonna be really nice and just...

437. Trade you the 5,000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.

438. You will? - Wow.

439. Why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?

440. We did it! You see, Cartman?

441. You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls.

442. $10? Suckie, suckie?

443. What should we do with them? - We should—

444. What the...?

445. Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs.

446. After all that? Shenanigans!

447. Shenanigans! Shenanigans!

448. What's all this?

449. Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate

450. my previous shenanigans.

451. This whole carnival is a rip-off.

452. You know, excuse me, but I agree.

453. These rides are really stupid.

454. Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all.

455. Yeah, and the food is terrible.

456. Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect?

457. Okay, okay, let's calm down.

458. People of South Park, do you declare shenanigans

459. on the carnival people? Yes!

460. Okay, carnival people, do you accept

461. this decree of shenanigan?

462. What the hell are you talking about?

463. This whole town is screwy.

464. Well, that settles it.

465. Everybody grab a broom, it's shenanigans!

466. You found it! You found the memorial!

467. Yeah. - And the cows?

468. Are they all back, too? - They're dead, Mayor.

469. They're all dead. - What?

470. Oh, it was awful.

471. Cow after cow taking its own life.

472. And we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!

473. Well, perhaps one day cows will learn

474. that cults are never a good thing.

475. I hope so, Mayor, I hope so.

476. God, I need a cold beer and a burger.

477. What's all the ruckus over there?

478. Sounds like somebody declared shenanigans.

479. Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom.

480. - All right, you damned carnival people,

481. into jail with... Oh?

482. Hey, aren't those the people

483. we at first thought took the wooden cow?

484. - Yeah. - Didn't we ever release them?

485. - I forgot all about them. - Me, too.

486. - Oh, my God, Officer Barbrady,

487. you never had Tom and Mary in the cell.

488. - I didn't? - No, no, in fact,

489. they never came to South Park.

490. We've never heard of them.

491. - Aaahh, phew, I feel a lot better then.

492. Although, I could've swore that I had heard of them

493. and they starved to death in my prison.

494. - Say, Terrance, let's look for treasure.

495. - Oh, good idea, Phillip, let's look for treasure.

496. - What are you guys doing?

497. - Oh, hey, Cartman how are you feeling?

498. - Pretty good, except I had

499. the weirdest dream last night. - Really, what about?

500. - Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl,

501. and then you guys made me ride a big scary bull,

502. and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spanking

503. for several hours. Hey, how did you guys win

504. all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?

505. Oh, nowhere.

506. - Wait a minute, you guys did make me

507. ride that bull! - No.

508. Cartman, that was just a dream.

509. - Bye, Ming Lee. Thanks again.

510. Ha, ha, ha.

511. Son of a bitch!