South Park 2x11

1. Hello, everyone. I'm Trey Parker.

2. And I'm Matt Stone, and we're doing what we do best...

3. Bakin' bacon with Macon!

4. That's right, and here to help us

5. is our old buddy, Macon.

6. Nobody likes bakin' bacon more than Macon.

7. That's true, if someone's bakin' bacon,

8. Macon's heart starts breaking if he's forsaken.

9. Well, today we're gonna make a bacon dish

10. that you kids can all make at home,

11. Western Iowa Bacon Casserole.

12. First off, let's cook the bacon.

13. Butter.

14. Bacon. Salt.

15. Mmm, that smells good.

16. You like that, Macon?

17. You better give Macon his treat.

18. Oh, right.

19. Now, what we've done for Macon is,

20. we've taken some bacon

21. and we've wrapped it around some pork sausages.

22. This is one of Macon's favorite treats.

23. All right, buddy. Here you go, here you go.

24. Yeah!

25. Come on, come on.

26. Once the bacon is done, we chop it up

27. and then get a casserole dish

28. where we add our other ingredients.

29. That's right.

30. Frozen hash browns on the bottom.

31. Bacon in the middle.

32. Some processed cheese item.

33. More bacon. - More bacon.

34. - And then we're gonna top it all off with bacon.

35. Now, we're gonna bake this for 30 minutes at 450 degrees.

36. And while we're waiting, let's watch

37. our favorite episode of "South Park."

38. It's all about the boys' haunting trip

39. to the planetarium and Cartman's quest to be a star.

40. That's right, you know, most people don't know it,

41. but this episode is actually a parody

42. of an old "Star Trek" episode called "Dagger of the Mind."

43. And so that's why we decided to call this episode

44. "Roger Ebert Should Eat Less Fatty Foods."

45. Enjoy the show, and we'll be back

46. with Western Idaho Bacon Casserole.

47. Well, Detective, it looks like you fooled them again.

48. All in a day's work, I guess.

49. I just hope that next time I don't have to run so much.

50. Okay, children, what do you think

51. Barnaby Jones meant when he said,

52. "This is not a victimless crime"?

53. Anybody?

54. Children, were you paying attention?

55. Mr. Garrison, we've been watching

56. "Barnaby Jones" repeats for eight days now.

57. It's hard to keep paying attention.

58. Oh, well, excuse me, Kyle.

59. Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?

60. Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones,

61. and then let's see how far you get in society.

62. Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us

63. how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?

64. Can't we just be like normal third graders

65. for a little while?

66. Oh, and what do you consider normal?

67. I don't know, like learn about art and music

68. and go on field trips and stuff.

69. - Yeah! - Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants,

70. it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow.

71. - Hooray! - To where?

72. To the planetarium.

73. Aww!

74. Planetariums suck.

75. Oh, now, what's wrong with a planetarium?

76. It's boring.

77. Yeah, all the constellations look alike.

78. Well, too bad, you're all going

79. to the planetarium tomorrow, and you're all gonna love it.

80. In the meantime, we're gonna watch episode #203,

81. "Barnaby Under Siege."

82. Oh, sorry, I taped these at home,

83. so there's more commercials.

84. Hey, kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?

85. Yes.

86. Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid

87. to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song.

88. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.

89. I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!

90. If you win, you could be picked

91. to be in our next Cheesy Poof commercial.

92. So remember...

93. Okay, children, let's quiet down

94. so the nice bus driver

95. can concentrate on the road.

96. That ain't how you do it! You do it like this!

97. Sit down and shut up!

98. Ow, Jesus, lady!

99. - Whoa! - This is the planetarium!

100. Watch your step on the way down so as not to hurt yourselves!

101. Ow.

102. Okay, children, now, I'm going to remind you

103. that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel.

104. Let's behave ourselves.

105. Does your child have what it takes

106. to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?

107. Hey, there it is!

108. We're going around the country

109. to find the kid who can sing

110. the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.

111. I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song

112. with both hands tied behind my back.

113. - You couldn't get both your arms behind your back, fat-ass.

114. Come on, Eric, we're going to the planetarium.

115. But I have to go sing the Cheesy Poofs song

116. for that talent van!

117. No, you have to go in this building

118. and see a bunch of stupid stars, now, come on.

119. Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams.

120. Welcome to the planet-arium.

121. I thought it was planetarium?

122. Well, it is, but I have a bone disease

123. which impedes my ability

124. to pronounce the "T" in planet-arium.

125. That's a pretty weird bone disease.

126. Yes, perhaps someday I can get a bone marrow transplant.

127. Yes, little boy?

128. How long is that Cheesy Poof van gonna be outside?

129. Well, I don't know, but anyway, boys and girls,

130. soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe.

131. But first I want to show you how the planet-arium works.

132. As if we care?

133. Hey, who are you?

134. Little Missy here runs the big projector for us.

135. I love my work.

136. Wow, dude, you're only as old as us.

137. Shouldn't you be in school? - I love my work.

138. Come on, let's get into the planet-arium, shall we?

139. Good morning, children, and welcome to the planet-arium.

140. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe.

141. So I want you to lean back

142. in your chairs and get comfortable.

143. This is stupid.

144. And now I'm going to dim the lights

145. and let the stars... come out.

146. Whoopee.

147. Here we see the constellation called the Big Dipper.

148. If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...

149. we see where this constellation gets its name.

150. These stars over here form the constellation

151. of Taurus, the bull.

152. While these stars form the constellation Roger Ebert.

153. And these two little stars over here

154. form the constellation the Crusades.

155. Now, stars are actually made of hot gas,

156. which is exactly what comes out of—

157. Ah, man, screw this.

158. And now breathe deep as the stars

159. slowly start to move in little circles.

160. I know you think planet-ariums are boring,

161. but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.

162. That was great, Tommy!

163. Tommy Frets from Torey Pines.

164. He could be our winner.

165. Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass.

166. Oh, and what's your name, little boy?

167. Eric Cartman.

168. All right, here's Eric Cartman

169. giving it a shot.

170. Wow! - That's right, suck on that.

171. Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?

172. Oh, man, I don't feel so good.

173. Me neither! But I loved the planetarium.

174. Me too. It was sweet.

175. Really? What did you like best about it?

176. I don't know.

177. I don't even remember what happened.

178. Wait a minute, where is Eric?

179. I did it! I did it! - Did what?

180. I got a callback for the Cheesy Poofs song!

181. You snuck off and sang that stupid song?

182. Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!

183. Good-bye, children. Thanks for visiting.

184. Don't forget, we have laser rock shows

185. at night here at the planet-arium.

186. This week it's laser Kenny Loggins and laser James Taylor.

187. My head still feels funny. - Yeah, mine too.

188. Hey, guys, when I'm doing the Cheesy Poof commercials,

189. I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.

190. Like you really need it, hippo ass.

191. It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle.

192. It really is.

193. Whoa, dude, who the hell are you?

194. My... name... is... Van Gelder.

195. Van Gelder? What the hell are you doing on our bus?

196. Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid

197. from the planetarium on our bus!

198. Oh, great, well, I guess we have to go back.

199. No! Don't go back! No!

200. Hey, be careful, asshole.

201. Don't take me back there! Can't! Can't!

202. All right, dude. Mellow out! Jeez.

203. We better get him to the nurse's office, stat.

204. Ah! The planetarium!

205. I'll give him a painkiller. That should calm him down.

206. No! No painkiller! I'll be okay.

207. Okay, Van Gelder?

208. Mm-kay, I'm Counselor Mackey.

209. Have you been smoking Mari-ju-ana?

210. Mari-ju-ana's bad, mm-kay?

211. Must tell... the machine...

212. the machine is...

213. I've never seen anything like this.

214. What do you think, Principal?

215. Well, whatever happened to him,

216. happened at the planetarium.

217. Ah! Planetarium! - I think tonight

218. the planetarium's doing laser Loggins.

219. I might have to check it out.

220. Oh, man, this is boring!

221. Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?

222. Dude, this is totally killer.

223. I hope this goes on for, like, seven months, man.

224. You will not remember what happens here.

225. To remember it will cause incredible pain.

226. Incredible pain!

227. Incredible, icky pain!

228. Dude, I'm totally tripping. - Dude, this is totally killer.

229. Okay, children, today we're going to learn

230. all about Japanese poems called "haiku."

231. A haiku is just like a normal American poem

232. except that it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.

233. For example... uh, where's Eric Cartman?

234. That's a haiku? - No, I'm asking why

235. Eric Cartman isn't at school. - Oh.

236. Was he on the school bus this morning?

237. No.

238. Oh, very good haiku, Kyle.

239. Yes, haikus have five syllables,

240. then seven, then five.

241. Kenny, can you give us another example?

242. What's a discharge?

243. Mr. Garrison, since haikus suck so much ass,

244. can we go back to the planetarium again?

245. Yeah, I want to go to the planetarium again, too.

246. But you were just there.

247. Why do you want to go again so soon?

248. Yeah, why do we want to go again so soon?

249. I don't know.

250. I just have this sudden urge to go back.

251. Well, I guess we could go again,

252. since it's just down the street.

253. Well, hello!

254. It's all my little friends,

255. with all their little dreams.

256. Eric, where have you been?

257. Let's see, where have I been? Where have I been?

258. Where have you been, Cartman?

259. Well, I might have been over

260. at the Cheesy Poof callback

261. winning regional championships!

262. This is my regional championship certificate.

263. Do you like it?

264. Hey, Where's your regional champion certificate, Clyde?

265. Oh, you don't have one?

266. Hmm... do you have a regional certificate, Wendy?

267. No? Apparently, only I do!

268. Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle.

269. I'm regional champion.

270. Does that mean you're gonna be in

271. that Cheesy Poof commercial?

272. It's between me and four other kids.

273. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.

274. Very good, Kyle.

275. Oh, damn it!

276. How's he doing, nurse?

277. He's stable, but I still can't get

278. any information out of him.

279. I'm gonna sedate him now.

280. No! No drugs!

281. Drugs are good, mm-kay?

282. Don't let them go... planetarium!

283. Why, Van Gelder?

284. The machine... the machine is—

285. The machine is... ah?

286. That's probably bad.

287. - He's been talking about "the machine" for hours.

288. That and Daisy Fuentes.

289. Why? Why, "America's Funniest Home Videos," why?

290. There's only one way to get any sense out of him.

291. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mm-kay?

292. A what?

293. It's an ancient technique handed down

294. from school counselor to school counselor.

295. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.

296. Well, what will you need?

297. Just time to prepare, Nurse.

298. Just time.

299. Mm-kay?

300. Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.

301. They just begged to come back.

302. I couldn't get them to shut up about it.

303. - Well, I'm sure we're gonna have a marvelous time.

304. Won't we, children?

305. Yes.

306. This way, please. - Enjoy your visit.

307. Billions of stars and billions of galaxies

308. make up our universe.

309. Here you see Polaris, the Dog Star.

310. I'm just gonna step outside and go wee-wee.

311. Certainly, Mr. Garrison.

312. You love the planetarium!

313. To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain.

314. All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive.

315. To not do so makes your stomach ache

316. with needle-like stab—

317. and right over here,

318. we see the constellation Orion.

319. Orion's Belt is made up of three stars, one of which—

320. Dude, what just happened? - What do you mean?

321. Come on, we gotta get out of here

322. before something bad happens.

323. Don't pick your nose, hon.

324. I wasn't picking it, I had an itch,

325. for crying out loud!

326. Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.

327. - I don't know, there's a lot of competition here.

328. Do you think I might win, Mommy?

329. I hope so, honey— then, perhaps,

330. we can eat for a little while.

331. - Hey, look, they're giving away bread outside!

332. Did you hear that, Mommy? - Come on!

333. Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!

334. Psych!

335. What the hell are you boys doing?

336. You're supposed to be in there.

337. Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is—

338. Shh.

339. Good-bye, children. Thanks for coming.

340. I want to go again. I want to go again!

341. - Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde, you just went.

342. Well, Clyde, if you like the planet-arium so much,

343. perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.

344. Yes. Yes, please.

345. Me too! - Me too!

346. I want to do it! - Yeah, me too.

347. Mr. Garrison? - Well, I guess I could

348. give 'em extra credit for it.

349. Excellent! Why don't we step over here,

350. and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.

351. Dude, this isn't right. - What?

352. We're kids, dude.

353. We don't volunteer for anything.

354. Oh, yeah.

355. Come on, we gotta see what's going on in there.

356. Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.

357. Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.

358. He hits this switch.

359. You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.

360. Yeah, I guess so.

361. What does that do? - I don't know.

362. Kenny, what's it doing?

363. This says "maximum."

364. Oh, my God! We've killed Kenny!

365. We're bastards!

366. Dude, I told you something was up with this place.

367. We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!

368. G-O.

369. O.

370. Ing.

371. Thank you, uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.

372. Next will be, uh, Eric Theodore Cartman.

373. Hello, everybody.

374. Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.

375. I know, I know.

376. Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.

377. Thank you. - We'll let you know.

378. Thank you. Don't pick your nose, hon.

379. I'm not picking it, Ma! God damn it, I have an itch!

380. Jesus, where do we find these people?

381. Our minds are one, mm-kay?

382. Our thoughts are one, mm-kay?

383. This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.

384. Please, Nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head,

385. you're not being very open-minded.

386. Open your mind to your counselor.

387. Open your mind.

388. - Dr. Adams... - Yes.

389. He owns the planetarium. What about him?

390. He uses the machine.

391. The star machine. - Mm-kay?

392. He uses it to erase minds.

393. But why?

394. Planetarium about to go out of business.

395. Adams has to create slaves to survive.

396. My God, this is amazing.

397. Please, Nurse, you're throwing off my chi, mm-kay?

398. Well, we certainly want to congratulate all our finalists.

399. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize,

400. and, unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.

401. Yes! I'm the best!

402. You were actually our last choice,

403. but the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs

404. as volunteers at the planetarium.

405. That's odd. - Sweet!

406. It appears that more and more South Park residents

407. are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium.

408. Here with a special report is a 34-year-old Asian man

409. who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.

410. Thanks, Tom, yes, indeed, the planetarium

411. has become very popular as word spreads

412. that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected.

413. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.

414. Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation

415. to all South Park residents

416. to come see a special free show this evening.

417. I guarantee it will change the way you think

418. about the planet-arium.

419. So bring the whole family to the planetarium

420. for a night of excitement and wonder.

421. And then we turned the dial,

422. and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.

423. That's a pretty farfetched story, boys.

424. But it's true, dude! - Are you boys sure

425. you're not just making this all up?

426. Yeah, pretty sure.

427. Well, just as soon as I handle

428. all the other crime in South Park,

429. I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium

430. so I can prove that nothing's wrong.

431. What other crime in South Park?

432. Oh, yeah. Let's go.

433. Okay, let's shoot the commercial.

434. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?

435. I'm over here! - Oh, you look great, hon.

436. Mommy's fat little piggy.

437. Hey!

438. Let's hurry. This costume is hot.

439. Okay, roll camera, and... action!

440. Oh, wait! Wait!

441. You've got a little eye booger, hon.

442. Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake! - Got it!

443. And... action.

444. Hold it! Cut!

445. Can we get more light on that backdrop?

446. Sure thing. - Oh, man, come on.

447. Got it.

448. Okay, here we go, and... action!

449. Cut! - What?

450. I'm not liking the shoes. Can we change the shoes?

451. Oh, God damn it!

452. Oh. Hello, officer of the law.

453. Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.

454. What brings you out here?

455. Well, these boys seem to think

456. you're some kind of sick weirdo

457. that's got a master plan to screw with the minds

458. of everyone in town.

459. Oh, really?

460. Yeah, I just thought I'd come show them around

461. so they know there's nothing to be scared of.

462. Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.

463. Okay, I'll be quick then.

464. Of course, Officer, come on in.

465. Hello, children.

466. Oh, no. They got Chef too!

467. Welcome to the planetarium.

468. Well, it's nice to see you finally got

469. a real job, Chef.

470. I love my work.

471. I know what you mean.

472. I've always loved the planetarium too.

473. Would you like to see the stars, Officer?

474. - No! - That would be superduper!

475. Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!

476. Hello? - Hi, Grandma, it's me, Eric!

477. Oh, hello, Eric!

478. Grandma sure has missed you.

479. I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be

480. on television tonight, so be sure to watch.

481. Oh, I will, Eric.

482. You know, I remember when I was a little girl

483. and had my first talent show audition—

484. Okay, bye.

485. Hello, the Marshes aren't in right now.

486. Please leave a message.

487. Stan, I'm gonna be on TV tonight.

488. Be sure to watch.

489. Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis.

490. Please leave a message.

491. Where the hell is everybody?

492. I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!

493. And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.

494. Oh, neato!

495. And now, Officer, from this moment on,

496. you will think that you are Elvis Presley.

497. Oh?

498. To not be Elvis will cause you great pain!

499. Pain. - You see, children?

500. There's no stopping me.

501. Even your highly intelligent policemen

502. are no match for me.

503. He's not highly intelligent. - Why are you doing this, dude?

504. Why? Because nowadays, kids have computers

505. and surround sound television.

506. They've forgotten all about planet-ariums,

507. but I'll make 'em remember, starting with the two of you!

508. "Terrence and Phillip" will be right back

509. after these announcements.

510. Oh, dude, here it comes!

511. Packed full of ingredients,

512. Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up!

513. So remember:

514. Lame.

515. And now back to "Terrence and Phillip."

516. Yes! Yes, that was me!

517. I was on television!

518. Aha! Caught you red-handed, mm-kay?

519. Mr. Mackey! - Officer Barbrady.

520. This man is using some kind of mind control.

521. What's wrong with him?

522. Oh, no, apparently he thinks he's Charlton Heston.

523. No, you idiot. He thinks he's Elvis.

524. Elvis, escort our guests to the planet-arium.

525. Folks, if you wouldn't mind,

526. could you please follow me?

527. Uh-oh.

528. Well, let's begin, shall we?

529. And now you will remember nothing

530. except that the planet-arium

531. is the best thing you've ever known.

532. Well, well, well, you guys can all kiss my ass

533. because I was on television!

534. Hey, didn't you guys hear? I was on television!

535. You missed it!

536. You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!

537. Planetariums suck ass!

538. Ugh... ugh!

539. Cartman, you saved us!

540. The hell are you talking about?

541. Get over here and untie us.

542. Eric, you really saved the day, mm-kay?

543. Not so fast there, tubby.

544. I'm just taking care of business.

545. Think hard, Elvis.

546. You're not really the king of rock 'n' roll.

547. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman

548. in a small town, mm-kay?

549. Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, Counselor!

550. Oh, my God! Dr. Adams!

551. He got a full dose of the stars.

552. Yeah, with nobody around to say anything.

553. Can you imagine it, Stan?

554. A mind emptied by that thing?

555. Wow, what a day this has been.

556. I was on TV, and I'm a hero!

557. Don't pick your nose, hon!

558. God damn it, Ma! I wasn't picking it!

559. I had an itch!

560. Lame.