1. The past few months
have just been...Copy !req
2. really awful.Copy !req
3. There were these ICE raidsCopy !req
4. and my dad's company
went out of business.Copy !req
5. Then we lost our house
and had to moveCopy !req
6. into the old folks home
with my grandpa.Copy !req
7. It's like
everything keeps changingCopy !req
8. and I really don't know
how to cope with it.Copy !req
9. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
10. And how exactly do you feel
like shit has changed, bro?Copy !req
11. - Well, Jesus,
It just seems likeCopy !req
12. people aren't really
as kind and givingCopy !req
13. as they used to be, you know?Copy !req
14. Like, I just got some money
from Saudi ArabiaCopy !req
15. and I'm thinking of sharing it.Copy !req
16. 'Cause I feel like that's what
everyone needs right now.Copy !req
17. Like, a big Christmas miracle?Copy !req
18. - Sounds like some socialist
bullshit to me, bro.Copy !req
19. - Jesus, I don't wanna liveCopy !req
20. in an old folks home anymore,
OK?Copy !req
21. Now, I don't know what's
made you change like this,Copy !req
22. but we need some
God damn Christmas magic!Copy !req
23. - Hey, baby, I brought us
some Pinot Grigio!Copy !req
24. - What took you so long?Copy !req
25. - Don't be mad—I was out
doing my charity work!Copy !req
26. I'm a Christian,Copy !req
27. so I sing to people in need!Copy !req
28. - Just shut up
and pour me that shit.Copy !req
29. You wanna make
your life better, Stan?Copy !req
30. Join the frickin' club!Copy !req
31. This is the time of year we all
wish things were better.Copy !req
32. But trust me,
nothing miraculousCopy !req
33. is gonna happen to anyone.Copy !req
34. - Only days remain
until America meetsCopy !req
35. President Trump's demon spawn.Copy !req
36. How Satan will give birth to
the butt baby is still unclear,Copy !req
37. but everyone knows
the crap-out is coming.Copy !req
38. Where the hell is he?Copy !req
39. Donald?Copy !req
40. Donald!Copy !req
41. Where is Donald?Copy !req
42. - Oh, sorry, Satan.Copy !req
43. The President had to fly
to ColoradoCopy !req
44. on an urgent matter.Copy !req
45. - An urgent matter?
Are you serious right now?Copy !req
46. I told him this was the dayCopy !req
47. we were going to sing songs
and decorate the nursery!Copy !req
48. What is he doing
that's more urgent than that?Copy !req
49. - Sorry, it's all high-level
classified stuff.Copy !req
50. Even we don't have clearance
to know what he's doing.Copy !req
51. - He is such a piece a shit!Copy !req
52. He does this to me
all the time!Copy !req
53. I'm about to have this baby,
and he's out fucking around!Copy !req
54. - Hormones, huh?Copy !req
55. - It is strange
that the President hasn'tCopy !req
56. even informed me
why he's going to Colorado.Copy !req
57. - Well, the President said
it's top secretCopy !req
58. and only he and
the vice president can know.Copy !req
59. Whatever they're doing...Copy !req
60. must be part of an extremely
covert military operation.Copy !req
61. - Merry Christmas!Copy !req
62. Relax, guy!Copy !req
63. Hey-hey-hey!
Relax, guy!Copy !req
64. - OK, Boss, this is the place.Copy !req
65. That is the police station
over there.Copy !req
66. That's where they are keeping
Peter Thiel.Copy !req
67. - All right,
we just gotta keep it quiet.Copy !req
68. Nobody can know
I want to kill this baby—ope!Copy !req
69. Merry Christmas!
Hey-hey-hey!Copy !req
70. Relax!Copy !req
71. Are you sure this
Peter Thiel can do it?Copy !req
72. - Yes, Boss.Copy !req
73. But we must find a way
to break him outCopy !req
74. of that police-
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
75. Happy holidays!Copy !req
76. Hey-hey-hey!Copy !req
77. - Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have
any spare change, mkay?Copy !req
78. The government cut
school fundingCopy !req
79. so I lost my job.Copy !req
80. Then, you know,
everything costs moreCopy !req
81. with all the tariffs,
and my health care got cut,Copy !req
82. so I'm just struggling
like a lot of Americans are.Copy !req
83. - All right,
well, Merry Christmas!Copy !req
84. - We better hurry, Boss.Copy !req
85. The town might be onto us,Copy !req
86. and the crap-out could be
any minute now.Copy !req
87. - OK, let's synchronize
our watches.Copy !req
88. It's time to complete
Operation Kill My Own Baby!Copy !req
89. Hello, seniors,
I'm Peggy RockbottomCopy !req
90. here to spread
a little holiday cheer.Copy !req
91. You know, sometimes we forget
the reason for the season.Copy !req
92. But there's only one man
in my life,Copy !req
93. and that man is Jesus Christ.Copy !req
94. And I wrote this song for him.Copy !req
95. Come on, seniors, sing along!Copy !req
96. - I don't know
if you can hear me,Copy !req
97. but I've been kind of wishing
for a Christmas miracle.Copy !req
98. If miracles can
still even happen,Copy !req
99. please, make it happen now.Copy !req
100. Yay!Copy !req
101. - Look, guys, it's Stanny!Copy !req
102. Stanny!Copy !req
103. - Oh, no!Copy !req
104. - Did you miss us, Stan?
- Oh, no!Copy !req
105. - That son of a bitch.Copy !req
106. I could give birth any minute.Copy !req
107. "Oh, hey, Satan,
you about to go into labor?Copy !req
108. "OK, how about
you go do everything,Copy !req
109. and I'll do nothing?"Copy !req
110. Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald!
Just like you always do.Copy !req
111. Ugh.
God, he is so disgusting.Copy !req
112. Ugh, he's such a pig!Copy !req
113. A blue jock strap?Copy !req
114. He doesn't wear
a blue jock strap.Copy !req
115. Who does this belong to?Copy !req
116. Vance.Copy !req
117. It's Vance.Copy !req
118. They're together.Copy !req
119. - What are you talking about?Copy !req
120. - They just wanna
kill the baby.Copy !req
121. - What?Copy !req
122. - The President... Vance...
so much sex.Copy !req
123. - I can't understand you
'cause you're coveredCopy !req
124. in dried-up milk!Copy !req
125. - It's not milk.Copy !req
126. - Eww!Copy !req
127. - Oh!Copy !req
128. Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!Copy !req
129. - Tell me everything you know!Copy !req
130. - I will, but first...
please...Copy !req
131. I need to get...
just a little high.Copy !req
132. - Go away!Copy !req
133. - What do you guys want?Copy !req
134. - Well, didn't you hear, Stan?Copy !req
135. Satan's gonna give birth
to the antichrist!Copy !req
136. - Yeah,
he's gonna have a butt babyCopy !req
137. and there's gonna be
a big crap-out!Copy !req
138. - And nobody loves a crap-out
more than us!Copy !req
139. - Wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
140. This doesn't make any sense!Copy !req
141. You guys are just something
that Cartman made upCopy !req
142. in his head!Copy !req
143. - Aww, are you really gonna
overanalyze a crap-out?Copy !req
144. - No way!
Crap-outs have no rules!Copy !req
145. Yay!Copy !req
146. - All right, y'all,
Stan wished us hereCopy !req
147. to help the Prince of Darkness,
so we gotta do what he says.Copy !req
148. - I didn't wish for that!Copy !req
149. I didn't know anything
about Satan having a babyCopy !req
150. or crap-outs.Copy !req
151. - But you asked
for a Christmas miracle, Stan!Copy !req
152. And this crap-out's gonna
make everything better!Copy !req
153. - It is? Are you sure?Copy !req
154. - Of course!
Crap-outs are the best!Copy !req
155. - Come on!
Let's get to it!Copy !req
156. Yay!Copy !req
157. Oh, it's been so long.Copy !req
158. So then Vice President Vance,Copy !req
159. he doesn't want you
to have the baby, right?Copy !req
160. 'Cause he thinks
your baby is gonna hurtCopy !req
161. his chances
of becoming president.Copy !req
162. So he convinces Trump to try
to get rid of the baby himself,Copy !req
163. but every time he tries,
he gets blocked by the FCC.Copy !req
164. - If he didn't want the baby,
why didn't he tell me?Copy !req
165. - They couldn't let anyone know
they wanted to get ridCopy !req
166. of the baby because, you know,
Republicans, abortions—Copy !req
167. it's a bad look.Copy !req
168. - So then Vance gets this guy
Peter ThielCopy !req
169. to get rid of the baby,
and Thiel's about to come do itCopy !req
170. when Pam Bondi
suddenly finds outCopy !req
171. there's a plot
to kill the baby.Copy !req
172. So crazy, man.
You can't write this shit.Copy !req
173. - What did I ever see in him?Copy !req
174. - So then The President,
he's pissed off at Vance.Copy !req
175. He says, you've been
lying to me, but Vance says,Copy !req
176. I was just trying
to protect you,Copy !req
177. and then they start having sexCopy !req
178. over and over
and over and over—Copy !req
179. - Enough!Copy !req
180. The president hath deceived me.Copy !req
181. He hath deceived us all.Copy !req
182. And I shall make him pay.Copy !req
183. - Oh, hell yeah, man.
Let's go get that motherfucker.Copy !req
184. - Crap-out!Copy !req
185. - Hey! Merry Christmas!Copy !req
186. - Merry Christmas!
- Happy Holidays! Relax, guy!Copy !req
187. Hello, we're with
the Salvation Army!Copy !req
188. We brought some food
for your prisoners!Copy !req
189. - Food for the prisoners?
- Hey, relax, guy!Copy !req
190. This is the time of year
to give to the needy!Copy !req
191. We brought 'em this cake!
- We don't need your cake!Copy !req
192. The president's gonna come
for us, and he's gonna—oof!Copy !req
193. - Well, I guess
there's no harm.Copy !req
194. Mitch, let 'em in.Copy !req
195. - Hey, thanks, buddy!Copy !req
196. - OK, hold on a second.Copy !req
197. You said that Satan
was in Washington, D.C.Copy !req
198. - Yeah, he was,
and now he's about to be here!Copy !req
199. - But how can you know that?Copy !req
200. - Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny,
will you just get on boardCopy !req
201. with the crap-out already?Copy !req
202. - Don't worry, Stanny.Copy !req
203. Everything has been foretold
and nothing can stopCopy !req
204. the antichrist from coming.Copy !req
205. - Except, of course,
for Peter Thiel!Copy !req
206. - P-P-P-Peter Thiel!Copy !req
207. - Wait, you mean
the six seven guy?Copy !req
208. - You know Peter Thiel?Copy !req
209. - Yeah, he did a big dumb
assembly at the school.Copy !req
210. - He's here?Copy !req
211. - What are you gonna do,
Stanny?Copy !req
212. - Are you gonna kill him
and eat him?Copy !req
213. - All right, look.Copy !req
214. If I'm gonna get
on board with something,Copy !req
215. I need it make at least
a little bit of sense.Copy !req
216. - Well, OK, Susan Sontag,
we'll make sureCopy !req
217. it all lines up perfectly
for ya.Copy !req
218. Yay!Copy !req
219. - Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.Copy !req
220. Come in, Red Dragon.Copy !req
221. - Go ahead, guy.
This is Red Dragon.Copy !req
222. - I got the walkie in the cake.Copy !req
223. Awaiting further instructions.Copy !req
224. - Excellent.Copy !req
225. Just stand by, and we'll
find a way to get you outCopy !req
226. so you can kill my baby.Copy !req
227. Let's synchronize our watches.Copy !req
228. Donald!Copy !req
229. - Uh-oh.Copy !req
230. - You have lied to me.Copy !req
231. - Satan! We were just doing
some charity work!Copy !req
232. - Yeah, I don't think so!Copy !req
233. I told Satan every detail
of your expertly-crafted plot.Copy !req
234. - Boss, it's your cum rag!Copy !req
235. - I stayed with you
while you two are fuckingCopy !req
236. behind my back?Copy !req
237. Did Donald tell you
he has genital warts?Copy !req
238. Hey, relax there, guy.Copy !req
239. - Look, there he is!Copy !req
240. - It's Satan!Copy !req
241. Yay!Copy !req
242. - Just as
the prophecy foretold!Copy !req
243. - Towelie? What's going on?Copy !req
244. - What's going on is the most
exquisitely woven tapestryCopy !req
245. of ideas
that you've ever seen, man.Copy !req
246. - Your deception is over,
Donald, and so are we.Copy !req
247. This child will be born.Copy !req
248. And for once,
you are going to have to liveCopy !req
249. with the consequences
of your actions.Copy !req
250. - Keep your hands off
my president, bro.Copy !req
251. - Whoa! It's Jesus Christ!Copy !req
252. Aww!Copy !req
253. - This happens to be
a great manCopy !req
254. who's protecting our country
from fags.Copy !req
255. - What the hell happened
to Jesus?Copy !req
256. - He's all Christian now.Copy !req
257. - This man is a con artist,
and I will deal with him!Copy !req
258. - Don't think so, bro!Copy !req
259. Yeah! America! Whoo!Copy !req
260. - Oh, my God, this just keeps
getting crazier.Copy !req
261. - What's wrong, Satan?Copy !req
262. - It's the baby.
I think it's coming.Copy !req
263. - Oh, wow, y'all, it's time!
- What do we do, Stan?Copy !req
264. - I don't know!Copy !req
265. You gotta get him
to a hospital!Copy !req
266. - Oh, boy! The big crap-out
is almost here!Copy !req
267. - I can hardly wait!
Can hardly wait!Copy !req
268. - Look, it's the doctor!Copy !req
269. Yay!Copy !req
270. - All right,
we're almost ready.Copy !req
271. We just wanna run
a quick ultrasound,Copy !req
272. and we'll get you into the OR.Copy !req
273. - Doctor, we must hurry.
There are evil forces at work.Copy !req
274. - All right!
This guy's incredible!Copy !req
275. OK, now set Peter Thiel free!Copy !req
276. - Mr. President! What happened?
- I don't know!Copy !req
277. I got another Christian dipshit
to help me get what I want!Copy !req
278. Let's go, Christianity!Copy !req
279. - Then we can proceed.Copy !req
280. We have very little time
to stopCopy !req
281. the antichrist from coming.Copy !req
282. - Boss, just so you know,Copy !req
283. I don't care if my asshole
is filled with genital warts.Copy !req
284. I still love you.Copy !req
285. - I can't believe
he turned out to beCopy !req
286. this big of a piece a shit.Copy !req
287. I seriously fall
for the worst guys.Copy !req
288. - Now, now, Satan, you need
to save your strength!Copy !req
289. - I mean,
I knew he sucked, OK?Copy !req
290. I knew it, but I didn't think
he would go this far.Copy !req
291. I am so stupid.
- No! You're not stupid!Copy !req
292. Stanny,
tell Satan he's not stupid.Copy !req
293. - You're not stupid.
- No, I'm stupid!Copy !req
294. I saw how he treated everyone,Copy !req
295. but I was willing to look
the other way.Copy !req
296. All because I just wanted
my Christmas miracle.Copy !req
297. - Your Christmas miracle?Copy !req
298. - My little baby.Copy !req
299. The only thing in my life
that could actually be good.Copy !req
300. But now Donald has Jesus
on his side,Copy !req
301. and we'll never be free.Copy !req
302. - Satan's right.Copy !req
303. If the President has Jesus
on his side, he's unstoppable!Copy !req
304. - It's only a matter of timeCopy !req
305. before they come here
and ruin everything.Copy !req
306. Aww!Copy !req
307. - Now, don't be down, y'all.Copy !req
308. We have our own secret weapon.
- That's right!Copy !req
309. They might have Jesus,
but we've got Stan!Copy !req
310. Yay!Copy !req
311. - Crap-out! Yeah! Let's go!Copy !req
312. - Let's do this!Copy !req
313. - Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!Copy !req
314. - What are we gonna do?Copy !req
315. - Where is room 6-7?Copy !req
316. Thank you!Copy !req
317. - Hey, kid! Get out of the way!
- No.Copy !req
318. If you wanna get to Satan,
you'll have to go through us.Copy !req
319. I am fully embracing
this crap-out.Copy !req
320. Yay!Copy !req
321. - Do not listen to these foul
creatures of darkness, child!Copy !req
322. - I don't know
who to listen to anymore.Copy !req
323. All I know is,
I might as well help someoneCopy !req
324. get their Christmas miracle.Copy !req
325. 'Cause nobody's helping me
with mine.Copy !req
326. At least that's what
Christmas used to mean.Copy !req
327. Trying to make things
a little easierCopy !req
328. for someone else who needed it.Copy !req
329. I don't know what happenedCopy !req
330. to your Spirit of Christmas,
Jesus.Copy !req
331. Let's face it, you gave up,
and now you've hit rock bottom.Copy !req
332. - Hey, I didn't hit her, OK?Copy !req
333. I mean, all right, maybe I did!Copy !req
334. But Peggy was asking' for it!Copy !req
335. - That's actually not at all
what I was talking about.Copy !req
336. - No. You're right.Copy !req
337. You're right, my child.Copy !req
338. I gave up and I lost faith.Copy !req
339. I don't want to do this.Copy !req
340. - Hey!
Don't forget I can sue you!Copy !req
341. - Then go ahead and sue me.Copy !req
342. I'm not going
to be afraid anymore.Copy !req
343. - Excuse me, everyone.Copy !req
344. Sorry—sorry to interrupt,Copy !req
345. but I'm afraid we have
some really bad news.Copy !req
346. - What?
- What? What happened?Copy !req
347. - We've looked
at the ultrasound, and...Copy !req
348. it appears that at some point
when nobody was watching,Copy !req
349. the baby hung itself
and took its own life.Copy !req
350. - What?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
351. - I'm afraid you can
see it all in the video.Copy !req
352. The baby got ahold
of some bedsheets.Copy !req
353. There's a couple minutes
missing from the ultrasound,Copy !req
354. but it's definitely a suicide.Copy !req
355. - You gotta be kidding me!Copy !req
356. The baby hung itself?Copy !req
357. - Boss! Boss! It's a miracle!Copy !req
358. - But does that meanCopy !req
359. there's not gonna be
a crap-out?Copy !req
360. This is a Fox News
special alert.Copy !req
361. - Fox News has just
received confirmationCopy !req
362. that the unborn child
of Satan and President TrumpCopy !req
363. has decided to take
the easy way outCopy !req
364. and end its own life.Copy !req
365. - Definitely an unfortunate
turn of events.Copy !req
366. Fox News has
analyzed the ultrasound.Copy !req
367. You can see the baby probably
considering suicide right hereCopy !req
368. and then—
a little bit missing—Copy !req
369. and it killed itself.Copy !req
370. Obvious confirmation
of suicide.Copy !req
371. You can see
a little chair there.Copy !req
372. Just what babies do sometimes.Copy !req
373. - That's right, and if you
or someone you knowCopy !req
374. is a fetus
contemplating suicide,Copy !req
375. we urge you to call Fox News
as much as you possibly can.Copy !req
376. - In the meantime,
all our thoughts and prayersCopy !req
377. are with the president tonight,Copy !req
378. Who will be holding a funeral
for his unborn childCopy !req
379. at the White House.Copy !req
380. - Hey, Merry Christmas!Copy !req
381. Did you hear the news?
The baby's dead!Copy !req
382. - Yes, Mr. President,
we are so sorry.Copy !req
383. - Happy holidays!
The baby's dead!Copy !req
384. - Are you OK, sir?Copy !req
385. - Yeah, it's really hard!
Here, have a cigar!Copy !req
386. Hey, Pam! Merry Christmas!
The baby's dead!Copy !req
387. You're so strong,
Mr. President.Copy !req
388. And you're taking it
really well.Copy !req
389. - Hey! Thanks, Pam!Copy !req
390. I win! I win! I win again!Copy !req
391. - Christmas letters from home.
Here you go.Copy !req
392. Some Christmas joy
from your loved ones.Copy !req
393. There you go.Copy !req
394. Hey, there's one for you today.Copy !req
395. Dear Stan,
I'm writing thisCopy !req
396. because I owe you an apologyCopy !req
397. and a thank you.Copy !req
398. You asked
for a Christmas miracle,Copy !req
399. and I didn't listen.Copy !req
400. So now, go to this address.Copy !req
401. - No way.Copy !req
402. Thank you.
Thank you!Copy !req
403. - I'll be here, Stan,
watching over everybody.Copy !req
404. Be good.Copy !req
405. And remember,
never give up on the thingsCopy !req
406. that you commit to.Copy !req
407. - He's so great, isn't he?Copy !req
408. Merry Christmas, everyone!Copy !req
409. Let's all have
the happiest holidays!Copy !req
410. Come on, seniors,
sing along!Copy !req