South Park 27x2

1. He's gone too far this time, dude.

2. The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.

3. Bro, you just got to ignore him.

4. Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him

5. when he's saying it all on a podcast.

6. He actually said that all women are whores,

7. and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.

8. Look, guys, just leave it alone.

9. Don't give him any more attention.

10. That's easy for you to say, dude.

11. Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups

12. he's spewing his stupid shit about.

13. Hey, guys.

14. Who are you talking about?

15. Clyde.

16. Clyde?

17. Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.

18. Hey, here he comes.

19. Whatever, guys.

20. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.

21. You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.

22. Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.

23. Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say.

24. If you guys don't like it,

25. why don't you come debate me on my podcast?

26. We're not indulging your stupid podcast.

27. Yeah, screw you, fat ass.

28. Wha— what?

29. Now, as your counselor,

30. I want to try and understand why you're doing

31. all these bad things you're doing.

32. The other students are very upset at this podcast.

33. And what makes you think you got to say

34. all this stuff, Clyde?

35. Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.

36. Y-your nut?

37. Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days.

38. We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5, Steam subscriptions,

39. Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash.

40. My nut's about 60 bucks a week.

41. So you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast,

42. say some really divisive shit, then you could make your nut.

43. Well, Clyde, there's more important things

44. than a nut, mkay?

45. Like what?

46. Well, like being nice, mkay,

47. making people smile, helping people out.

48. That's why I became a counselor.

49. Yes?

50. Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.

51. You've been fired, bud.

52. W-what?

53. Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.

54. Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.

55. What are you talking about?

56. Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.

57. Power Christian Principle, yes.

58. I've worked here for 26 years.

59. We appreciate your service to this school,

60. but the government's cutting back on unnecessary expenses.

61. Well, what's more important than a school counselor?

62. Schools have one counselor now,

63. and he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.

64. Thanks for everything. Now, pack your shit.

65. But...

66. what about my nut?

67. Hello, and welcome

68. to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."

69. Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.

70. You can't trust Jews,

71. white people are the underprivileged,

72. and women belong at home.

73. I'd like to welcome our first guest

74. to the debate, Eric Cartman.

75. What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?

76. We're here speaking the truth about the Jews

77. and the underprivileged white class—

78. That's my shtick.

79. Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.

80. I don't know about stealing ideas,

81. but I do know about some amazing supplement powders

82. that are an absolute steal— - Supplement powders?

83. HE-MAN supplement powders can really help you

84. bulk up and get— - Are you fucking serious?

85. People are sponsoring you for ripping me off?

86. And it's really just the best way to get ripped quick.

87. So be sure to get some.

88. And also, be sure to hashtag #RespectClydesAuthority.

89. What?

90. So after losing my job, I realized

91. I really better get a handle on how much I spend a month.

92. Yes, Mr. Mackey.

93. Looking over your portfolio here,

94. it appears you've got about an $8,000 a month nut.

95. $8,000 a month?

96. I had no idea my nut was that big.

97. Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan,

98. cancel your streaming services,

99. downgrade your phone subscription,

100. do a second mortgage on your house,

101. and your nut's still $8,000—

102. a month.

103. But I don't have anything, mkay?

104. I can't find a job.

105. Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.

106. What am I supposed to do?

107. Well, there are other career opportunities.

108. Have you considered...

109. a job with the I-C-E?

110. Help your country round up undocumented immigrants.

111. ICE?

112. I'm a counselor.

113. I help people.

114. I would never work for ICE.

115. I understand you have to have your principles.

116. It's just they are offering new recruits

117. about a $100,000 salary.

118. Say—say what now?

119. Are you looking for a new career?

120. Why not join the I-C-E?

121. We have jobs available now

122. with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.

123. Signing bonus?

124. I'm proud to work for the I-C-E.

125. And now, watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys

126. these woke liberal students.

127. Welcome to the channel, guys.

128. Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem

129. with what I say, so prove me wrong.

130. Uh, Hey, Clyde.

131. Um, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews.

132. But if that's true, why are bagels so yummy?

133. - Yeah. - Yeah!

134. Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews

135. to have a problem with this school and with America.

136. So let me ask you this— what is your definition of a woman?

137. Wait, now, what?

138. What is a woman? It's a very simple question.

139. Well, a woman is a lady friend

140. who, you know, gives you kisses.

141. You see, you can't answer the question.

142. But something is male or it is female.

143. Both science and scripture agree to that.

144. And that's just the truth. Next.

145. Another woke student totally destroyed.

146. Oh, jeez.

147. Did you call the girls' soccer team

148. a Marxist indoctrination factory?

149. That is correct.

150. We actually beat the boys 4 to 0, you know.

151. You can whine about American oppression all you want,

152. but you're using an iPhone made by the free market

153. to complain about a system that gave it to you.

154. Girls have it way easy in America,

155. and that's just the truth.

156. Woke student totally pwned.

157. Women have it good in America,

158. just like Black people do.

159. Black people have everything handed to them—

160. Motherfucker!

161. I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.

162. If anyone around here is gonna be a master debater,

163. it's me.

164. So let's go.

165. Who wants to debate the master debater?

166. Let's go.

167. You right there.

168. That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.

169. You are wrong.

170. Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be a perpetual statute

171. for your generations throughout all your dwellings.

172. So you can shut up, Bebe.

173. You just hate America and you love abortions.

174. Mr. Mackey?

175. Uh, yes, r-right here.

176. Have a seat, sir.

177. What makes you want to work for immigration enforcement?

178. Uh, well,

179. you see, I got a nut.

180. All right, you're hired.

181. Take this to the next station

182. for your physical and orientation video.

183. Well, th-that's it?

184. You will now watch an orientation video

185. featuring the Director of Homeland Security.

186. Welcome to the team, recruits.

187. I'm Kristi Noem, Head of Homeland Security.

188. Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.

189. A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down

190. by shooting it in the face,

191. because sometimes doing what's important

192. means doing what's hard.

193. Whoa. Whoa.

194. Now, we'll ask the same determination of you.

195. Because detaining and questioning people

196. is never easy.

197. Oh, God!

198. As the face of Homeland Security,

199. I'll be leading the way.

200. And together, we'll make sure

201. everyone is in this country legally.

202. So let's get out there and get 'em, recruits.

203. Together, we can make it happen.

204. We hope you enjoyed the presentation.

205. Please step through to the vehicles for your first raid.

206. Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle

207. at all times.

208. Lock and load, recruits!

209. Prepare to raid!

210. Mmm-kay.

211. Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down

212. these woke liberal students.

213. Oh, my God.

214. What makes you think you have the right

215. to say what I do with my body?

216. Let me ask you something.

217. If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby dies too,

218. why is the killer charged with a double homicide?

219. Well, b—because people have different beliefs.

220. It's not about belief. It's about truth.

221. Science confirms life begins at conception.

222. So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says, before I formed you

223. in the womb, I knew you.

224. But it's just morality that demands

225. we protect the most vulnerable.

226. So let me ask you— when do you think life begins?

227. Eric, are you all right in there?

228. Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.

229. I'm just in here master debating.

230. Well, Eric, that's enough.

231. Let's get out of the bathroom.

232. I can't, Mom.

233. I'm master debating to these young college girls.

234. That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.

235. Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder,

236. so I gotta master debate for a couple more hours.

237. Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.

238. All right, recruits. This is it.

239. We're heading to a location

240. that might be filled with illegals.

241. Let's take these bad hombres down.

242. Backpack.

243. Backpack.

244. Backpack. Backpack.

245. Freeze!

246. Oh, God. Mkay.

247. We're just here for questioning.

248. Cooperate, and nothing bad— holy shit.

249. Look, I'm really sorry about this.

250. It's just, I got a monthly nut, you know?

251. I gotta make my nut.

252. You did a good job in there, soldier.

253. Mkay. Thank you, Captain.

254. I know it's tough doing what's hard,

255. but we could use more men like you in the—

256. Whoa, what the fuck?

257. Your Botox, Ms. Noem.

258. Oh, yeah. Fix me up.

259. Fix me up.

260. Another day doing what's tough.

261. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

262. But a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body.

263. It's a completely separate fetus—

264. Eric, what are you doing?

265. I'm sorry, mom.

266. You told me to go to sleep, but I started masterdebating again.

267. This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.

268. Mom, you don't understand.

269. I'm getting really good at this.

270. I have my arguments down rock solid.

271. These young college girls are totally unprepared,

272. so I can just destroy them and also edit out all the ones

273. that actually argue back well.

274. It just feels so good.

275. I understand it feels good,

276. but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.

277. I'm sorry, Mommy.

278. Put the computer away and leave those poor

279. college girls alone.

280. OK.

281. I won't master debate anymore tonight.

282. Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights.

283. But be honest, if a baby could speak,

284. it would fight for its right to live.

285. Eric Cartman!

286. I'm sorry, Mom!

287. Tom, another protest today, as thousands turned out

288. in downtown Denver to voice their outrage

289. against the I-C-E.

290. This is just out of control.

291. A lot of the people being targeted in these raids

292. are kind, hard-working, deeply faithful people

293. who care for their families.

294. I have no doubt that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.

295. Oh, this is bad.

296. Mkay?

297. Remember, only detain the brown ones.

298. If it's brown, it goes down.

299. Jesus, look out!

300. There's another one flying over here.

301. Catch him! Catch him!

302. I just need to ask you some questions,

303. mkay, make sure you're legal.

304. How did you get into heaven?

305. Um, I was really nice to people,

306. and I helped various charities.

307. Look, I'm really sorry about this,

308. but I'm just trying to make my nut.

309. Mackey, I need a word.

310. Yes, Captain?

311. You did another great job out there, Mackey.

312. I like your style.

313. Oh. Thank you.

314. The President's handing out bonuses

315. to recruits that stand out.

316. And I'm going to recommend you

317. for the next set of bonuses that—

318. Ah!

319. Grab it!

320. No more brownies in heaven.

321. Hello and welcome to the third annual

322. Charlie Kirk Award for Young Masterdebaters.

323. More and more young people today

324. are learning to fight for America

325. through masterdebation.

326. We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man

327. who has been furiously masterdebating

328. for the past several days and has won himself

329. not only this trophy, but also an all expenses paid vacation

330. to a beautiful five-star resort.

331. He has proven himself the true champion.

332. Please welcome the best young masterdebater

333. of our time, Clyde Donovan.

334. Clyde?

335. No! That's my trip to a five-star resort!

336. Come on, Eric. Let's go.

337. Thanks, everyone.

338. The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.

339. And, I don't know, lesbians are an abomination of God.

340. You all stole my schtick!

341. Clyde!

342. OK.

343. We got some of your pay stubs in.

344. Let's see how that nut's looking.

345. Well, seems you got some bonuses

346. for rounding up the most Mexicans.

347. Shh.

348. We don't round up Mexicans, OK?

349. We just detain foreigners who might be illegal.

350. OK.

351. Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,

352. it looks like you've got about $10 grand a month to spend.

353. - Oh, I do? - Yes.

354. And your nut's up to about $12 grand a month.

355. What?

356. But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.

357. Right. But you got a good-paying job.

358. You see, as you make more money,

359. your nut actually gets bigger.

360. How is that possible?

361. It's all right.

362. If you can just get a few more bonuses,

363. we can refinance the house, divide that

364. by the number of Mexicans you detained, and, of course,

365. compound any Costa Ricans you might incur to the—

366. Freeze! Nobody move!

367. Here he is over here.

368. Come on, Mackey. Need to talk to you outside.

369. Talk to me? About what?

370. What's this all about?

371. Congratulations, recruit.

372. I talked to the president about your accomplishments,

373. and he says he wants to help you with your nut.

374. Really? He does?

375. That's right.

376. We have orders to get you on a plane.

377. The President wants to thank you personally.

378. Congratulations.

379. He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.

380. Mar-a-Lago?

381. Oh, wow.

382. Relax! Take a load off!

383. Boss, the plane is here

384. from Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

385. I know, stupid. Let's go.

386. Hey, buddy.

387. Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.

388. Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

389. What is his fantasy, boss?

390. Will you get out of here?

391. Listen, buddy, I want to offer you

392. an incredible opportunity.

393. How would you like to make more money

394. than you ever thought possible?

395. Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.

396. Now, that's the kind of talk I like.

397. Mar-a-Lago's for everyone that's got a nut.

398. I'm giving you a promotion.

399. You'll have access to all that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.

400. I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.

401. But, Mr. President, I thought Kristi Noem

402. was the head of Homeland Security.

403. Well, she was, but her face freaks me out.

404. So what do you say?

405. Well, I do need a high-paying job.

406. Excellent.

407. Now, let's take care of that nut for you.

408. Hey, Satan.

409. Meet the new face of Homeland Security.

410. Whoa! Oh, my God.

411. I just want to go.

412. This place is gross.

413. Would you like me to apply the baby oil

414. to Satan's asshole, boss?

415. OK, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

416. I'm going to take a little break here.

417. Hey, come on.

418. Relax, guy.

419. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

420. Backpack, backpack.

421. Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.

422. Excuse me.

423. Clyde?

424. Not right now, sir.

425. I've kind of had enough.

426. What are you doing here... young man?

427. Just trying to make my nut, sir.

428. Didn't really want all this.

429. Oh, well, young man...

430. I kind of know what you're going through, mkay?

431. I know we all have a lot of pressures

432. and we all want nice things, mkay, but—

433. but if you're doing something you don't really believe in

434. just to make your nut,

435. you're going to find that you just get sadder

436. and your nut just gets bigger.

437. Mkay?

438. Yeah.

439. I guess you're right.

440. But... who are you?

441. I'm a goddamn counselor.

442. That's what I am.

443. This place isn't right for either of us.

444. There's got to be someone that can help get us out.

445. All right. Got him.

446. Hey, Kristi, what's going on?

447. Trying to replace me

448. as the face of Homeland Security, huh?

449. Hey, relax, guy.

450. Who could replace a face like that?

451. Think I can't handle myself 'cause I'm a lady

452. with good looks that drive men wild?

453. Come on. We're getting out of here.

454. You too, come on.

455. We got it. We got it.

456. Another job well done.