1. See, Stan?
You gotta chooseCopy !req
2. if you wanna be
in Gryffindor or Slytherin.Copy !req
3. Yeah, can I do it?Copy !req
4. Yeah, see, you gotta fight
these fairy guys.Copy !req
5. Randy.Copy !req
6. Randy!Copy !req
7. The powder room
toilet is broken.Copy !req
8. Again!Copy !req
9. Did you jiggle the handle?Copy !req
10. Yes, I jiggled the handle.Copy !req
11. Will you come fix this, please?Copy !req
12. Okay, okay.Copy !req
13. Huh, well, let's see.Copy !req
14. It's gotta be the little
black floaty thingie.Copy !req
15. What'd you do to it?Copy !req
16. I didn't do anything.Copy !req
17. Lemme see if there's
water in the bowl.Copy !req
18. No!
Don't lift the lid.Copy !req
19. Why can't I lift the lid?Copy !req
20. Don't, Randy!
Uh-huh.Copy !req
21. Hey, guys!
Your mom took a shitCopy !req
22. and doesn't want me to see it.Copy !req
23. Ew!
Gross, Dad!Copy !req
24. Randy!
We need to get a new toilet.Copy !req
25. We can't just get rid
of Ol' Blue, Sharon.Copy !req
26. This is embarrassing.Copy !req
27. It's the powder room toilet,
the one guests use.Copy !req
28. You get a new toilet, Randy,Copy !req
29. or I'm not helping you
sell weed anymore!Copy !req
30. Alright, alright.
Sharon, you win.Copy !req
31. As usual.Copy !req
32. Poor Ol' Blue.Copy !req
33. Can I help you with anything?Copy !req
34. Oh, yeah, just lookin' for a new
toilet to replace Ol' Blue.Copy !req
35. Alright, well, all our toilets
here are standard bowl,Copy !req
36. come with full warranty.Copy !req
37. How much you looking to spend?Copy !req
38. Well I'm not poor.Copy !req
39. I happen to have
my own weed business.Copy !req
40. So that's pretty much
the nicest one you have, right?Copy !req
41. Yeah, that's probably
the top model, you know,Copy !req
42. before you start getting
into the Japanese toilets.Copy !req
43. Japanese toilets?Copy !req
44. Yeah, they're the sort of
the super-high-classCopy !req
45. luxury models with all
the bells and whistles.Copy !req
46. But you probably don't wanna
spend that kind of money.Copy !req
47. I'm not poor.Copy !req
48. Oh, well,
we can show them to you.Copy !req
49. The Japanese toilets
are right over there.Copy !req
50. Hi, Rick.
This gentlemanCopy !req
51. would like to see
the Japanese toilets.Copy !req
52. Well, of course, sir.
My name is Rick.Copy !req
53. Let me know if there's
anything you need.Copy !req
54. These toilets are all equipped
with the highest-end features,Copy !req
55. including an automatic
bidet system,Copy !req
56. bluetooth capability,
and seat warmers.Copy !req
57. Seat warmers?
Of course.Copy !req
58. And the toilet senses
when you've come into the room,Copy !req
59. turns on a small light,
plays welcome music,Copy !req
60. and raises the lid for you.Copy !req
61. Can I offer you come
sparkling water or champagne?Copy !req
62. Oh, sure,
I'll take some champagne.Copy !req
63. All the toilet's functions
are operatedCopy !req
64. by a touch-button remote
which you mountCopy !req
65. where the toilet-paper roll
used to go.Copy !req
66. So then where do you keep
the toilet paper?Copy !req
67. With a Japanese toilet,
you don't need toilet paper.Copy !req
68. The toilet washes you
completely clean.Copy !req
69. You're mad.Copy !req
70. No, it's true.Copy !req
71. It has warm water and a dryerCopy !req
72. and cleans you eight times
better than toilet paper can.Copy !req
73. Would you like to take one
for a test drive?Copy !req
74. Oh, uh, sure.Copy !req
75. I did have kind of
a big breakfast.Copy !req
76. Right over here.Copy !req
77. Oh.Copy !req
78. Whoa!Copy !req
79. Ooh.
Oh, oh! Oh.Copy !req
80. Ahhh!Copy !req
81. Oh, oh!Copy !req
82. Ohh! Oh.Copy !req
83. Okay, how much?Copy !req
84. Guys, I wanted to talk to you
because I want you allCopy !req
85. to think about how
we're viewed as a family.Copy !req
86. You know, as a prominent
weed dealer, we are successful,Copy !req
87. and we're sort of looked up to
in this townCopy !req
88. because we have nice things
that most families can't afford.Copy !req
89. I mean, Stan, you're playing
"Hogwarts Legacy"Copy !req
90. on PS5, right?Copy !req
91. You're playing
"Hogwarts Legacy" on a PS5.Copy !req
92. Yeah, my... my point is
that most people in townCopy !req
93. don't even have a PS5.Copy !req
94. They still have PS4s,Copy !req
95. and so we're basically
the Kennedys of South Park.Copy !req
96. And the plain fact is
that well-off familiesCopy !req
97. have nice things,Copy !req
98. and we shouldn't be
ashamed of that.Copy !req
99. Ohp! New toilet's here!Copy !req
100. Hajimemashite.
Japanese Torei des!Copy !req
101. Uh, yes, thank you.
Bring it on in.Copy !req
102. Kyo fun yori! Kro fun yori!Copy !req
103. Kyo fun yori!
Kro fun yori! Kro fun yori!Copy !req
104. That's the new toilet?
How much did it cost?Copy !req
105. Oh, Sharon.
Tennish.Copy !req
106. What's tennish?
Tennish.Copy !req
107. Thousandish.
Ten thousandish.Copy !req
108. You spent $10,000 on a toilet?Copy !req
109. We don't have
that kind of money, Randy!Copy !req
110. Yeah, we do.Copy !req
111. Shitsurei Shimasu!
Owarimashita.Copy !req
112. Okay, yeah, right here?
Okay.Copy !req
113. Doomo!
Aringanto gozaimashita!Copy !req
114. Aringato gozaimashita!Copy !req
115. K, thanks.Copy !req
116. You are taking that back
to the store.Copy !req
117. Try it, Sharon.Copy !req
118. I don't need to, Randy.
I want...Copy !req
119. Try it, Sharon!Copy !req
120. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
121. Oh! Ohh!Copy !req
122. Ah-ha-ha!Copy !req
123. I wanna try it.Copy !req
124. Shhh!Copy !req
125. Ah-ho-ho!Copy !req
126. Ohh!Copy !req
127. Oh, look, there he goes.Copy !req
128. It's Mr. Big Shot.Copy !req
129. Hey, Richie Rich.
You eating caviarCopy !req
130. for lunch today, Richie Rich?Copy !req
131. Stan, just so you know,
nobody gives a shit.Copy !req
132. About what?Copy !req
133. Come on, guys!Copy !req
134. Did you know some people
can't even afford to eat?Copy !req
135. How about caring for something
that matters, you bitch?Copy !req
136. What the?Copy !req
137. Hey, Stan, you really
have to be careful.Copy !req
138. Of what?Copy !req
139. Look, it's great that you come
from a wealthy family,Copy !req
140. but people don't like getting
their noses rubbed in it.Copy !req
141. Dude, I haven't
even said anything!Copy !req
142. Well, your dad called
everyone last nightCopy !req
143. and told them you have
a $10,000 toilet.Copy !req
144. What?Copy !req
145. Well, thanks for having us
over for brunch, Randy.Copy !req
146. Yeah, what's
the special occasion?Copy !req
147. Oh, you know, just good times
with dear friends.Copy !req
148. Does anyone need
to go to the bathroom?Copy !req
149. Uh, no, I'm... I'm good.Copy !req
150. Oh, maybe some
more coffee, then.Copy !req
151. Can you guys believe
all the snow we've gotten?Copy !req
152. Yeah, maybe it will actually
help with the drought.Copy !req
153. Let's hope so.Copy !req
154. Does anyone need
a bathroom break?Copy !req
155. Well, actually, I-I think
I could use the restroom.Copy !req
156. That was kind of
a big breakfast.Copy !req
157. Oh! Oh, yeah, sure!
It's, uh...Copy !req
158. It's right across the hallway.Copy !req
159. Right there.
Excuse me.Copy !req
160. Oh.Copy !req
161. What was that?Copy !req
162. Oh, that's the welcome music
for my Japanese toilet.Copy !req
163. I've heard of those.
Aren't they expensive?Copy !req
164. Yeah, a bit.Copy !req
165. But for those of us
who can afford it,Copy !req
166. it's well worth it.Copy !req
167. Oh! Ohhh!Copy !req
168. Ohhhh!Copy !req
169. He's now turned on the rear jet,Copy !req
170. which cleans your bottom
with warm water.Copy !req
171. Oh. Ohhh!Copy !req
172. Ah!
That's the front washerCopy !req
173. that washes your balls,
or vagina.Copy !req
174. If you think about it,
a dry piece of toilet paperCopy !req
175. can't clean you half as well
as pressurized water.Copy !req
176. I feel bad that most people
have to walk aroundCopy !req
177. with fecal matter on their anus,Copy !req
178. but I'm just luckyCopy !req
179. I've sold enough weed
to be able not to.Copy !req
180. But was it really luck?
Or was it hard work?Copy !req
181. Heck, I don't know,
but you know...Copy !req
182. Dad, can I talk to you?Copy !req
183. Stan? You're back
from school already?Copy !req
184. I need to talk to you right now!Copy !req
185. The are you doing?Copy !req
186. Are you doing?Copy !req
187. You need to stop
gloating to everybody!Copy !req
188. I am not gloating.Copy !req
189. Yes, you are,
and now kids at schoolCopy !req
190. are calling me Richie Rich!Copy !req
191. They are?Copy !req
192. Nobody cares about
your stupid toiletCopy !req
193. and you're acting like
a jerk. You're stupid.Copy !req
194. I'm acting like a jerk because
I'm trying to help people?Copy !req
195. How are you trying
to help people, Dad?Copy !req
196. Because the people don't know
that these toilets are awesome,Copy !req
197. and I'm just, like,
the well-respected guyCopy !req
198. who's trying to open
people's eyes like JFK.Copy !req
199. You are not like JFK!Copy !req
200. You're just showing off!Copy !req
201. Nu-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause
I am trying to change things!Copy !req
202. You're part of a very
respected family, Stan.Copy !req
203. You should start acting like it.Copy !req
204. Okay, who's next?Copy !req
205. Randy?Copy !req
206. Randy!
What?Copy !req
207. Your proctologist
is here to see you.Copy !req
208. My proctologist?Copy !req
209. Oh, hey there, Doc.Copy !req
210. Well, Randy Marsh, how are ya?Copy !req
211. I'm doing great.
How are you?Copy !req
212. Wonderful!
Just been super busy.Copy !req
213. I'm actually takin' the wife
to Tuscany day after tomorrow.Copy !req
214. Tuscany?
Wow. Awesome.Copy !req
215. Yeah, well, Randy
you haven't been in my officeCopy !req
216. for a few days,
so I thought I'd comeCopy !req
217. do a house call to help you
with your hemorrhoids.Copy !req
218. Oh! No, Doctor.Copy !req
219. I haven't needed
to come to your office.Copy !req
220. In fact, I don't think I'll be
needing your services anymoreCopy !req
221. since I've gotten
a Japanese toilet.Copy !req
222. Oh... Oh, really?Copy !req
223. It's completely changed my life.Copy !req
224. I'm healthier,
I'm less stressed,Copy !req
225. and I don't get hemorrhoids
'cause I'm not smearing shitCopy !req
226. all over my ass
with toilet paper.Copy !req
227. Huh.Copy !req
228. Here, here.
You wanna come see it?Copy !req
229. Go on, check it out.Copy !req
230. D-Dr. Sheltair?Copy !req
231. Dr. Sheltair?Copy !req
232. You stupid!
Whoa hey hey hey!Copy !req
233. You ruined Tuscany!
Gah!Copy !req
234. Stop it!
I hate you!Copy !req
235. I hate you! I hate you!Copy !req
236. Go on!
Get out of here!Copy !req
237. How am I supposed to tell
my wifeCopy !req
238. we can't afford
to go to Tuscany now?Copy !req
239. I never realized you made
so much money off my ass.Copy !req
240. Go on.
Get.Copy !req
241. Get!Copy !req
242. Hey, Stan!
Stan hold up!Copy !req
243. What?Copy !req
244. Well, um, you're just
a really good friend, Stan,Copy !req
245. and... and I was gonna
ask if maybeCopy !req
246. I could borrow your plungercost?Copy !req
247. What's a plungercost?
It doesn't cost nothingCopy !req
248. when your toilet's nice
as yours, Richie Rich!Copy !req
249. I did it!
I called Stan Richie Rich, too!Copy !req
250. That was fun!Copy !req
251. Stan, you've got to stop
bragging about your toilet.Copy !req
252. I'm not bragging
about my toilet!Copy !req
253. And why is it
such a big deal anyway?Copy !req
254. It's a big deal, Stan.
You just don't understand why.Copy !req
255. Have you ever asked yourself
why we use toilet paper?Copy !req
256. We're told to wash our hands...
wear masks in crowds...Copy !req
257. but for some reason,
when it comes to wiping our ass,Copy !req
258. we're told to do it
with this little piece of paper.Copy !req
259. We are all... all of us...
Walking around right nowCopy !req
260. with a little bit of shit
smeared on our buttholes.Copy !req
261. Did you know that 70%
of people in the worldCopy !req
262. don't even use it at all?Copy !req
263. 70% of the world
doesn't use toilet paper?Copy !req
264. Look it up.Copy !req
265. Most people in the world still
use good ol' soap and water.Copy !req
266. The average American
uses 140 rollsCopy !req
267. of toilet paper per year.Copy !req
268. Can you even begin to imagine
how many trees that is?Copy !req
269. To supply the United States
its toilet paper,Copy !req
270. it takes 31.1 million
trees per year.Copy !req
271. A million acres per year
of preciousCopy !req
272. Canadian Boreal forest alone,Copy !req
273. releasing upwards
of 25 metric tons of CO2Copy !req
274. and leveling 90%
of the land barren.Copy !req
275. So, then, why do Americans
use it so much?Copy !req
276. Well, that's the big question,
isn't it?Copy !req
277. None of it makes any sense.
Well, then, maybe somebody...Copy !req
278. Just tell your dad to stop.Copy !req
279. Americans don't want
to change their toiletsCopy !req
280. and they never will.Copy !req
281. Ladies and gentlemen, we have
a public service announcement.Copy !req
282. One of our citizens
has asked to speak with you.Copy !req
283. Please welcome
Mr. Randy S. Marsh.Copy !req
284. Thank you, Mayor.
Thank you, everyone.Copy !req
285. You know, the Marshes are
a family that try to alwaysCopy !req
286. lead by example.Copy !req
287. And we know that
all of you appreciate that.Copy !req
288. Everyone deserves to be clean,
and the truth is, you can be.Copy !req
289. You might not be the Marshes,Copy !req
290. but you can afford
a Japanese toilet.Copy !req
291. Just not a really nice one
like what we have.Copy !req
292. If you take into account
the moneyCopy !req
293. we all spend on toilet paper,
doctors, and hemorrhoid cream,Copy !req
294. a Japanese toilet pays
for itself in just a few years.Copy !req
295. There are actually Japanese
toilets made for commoners.Copy !req
296. Walmart and Amazon
all carry the lowerCopy !req
297. cost of shitty Japanese toilets
that anyone can afford.Copy !req
298. There's even these like
attachment thingiesCopy !req
299. for your existing toiletCopy !req
300. which will make you feel
like a Marsh yourself.Copy !req
301. They may not be
Nihon No style-ru,Copy !req
302. but they are
good enough for you guys.Copy !req
303. The point is... even commoners
don't need toilet paper anymore!Copy !req
304. And, so, I am suggesting that
this town puts all...Copy !req
305. Holy shit!Copy !req
306. Randy? Wah!Copy !req
307. I'm sorry,
but he's in critical condition.Copy !req
308. Who shot him?Copy !req
309. Nobody knows.Copy !req
310. Is he gonna be okay?Copy !req
311. He's in a coma.Copy !req
312. He's unconscious
and just blabbering nonsense.Copy !req
313. Bikkuri... Bikkurishita...
Taiehn deshou...Copy !req
314. Mr. Marsh, your whole
family is here.Copy !req
315. Your wife, your daughter,
and your son.Copy !req
316. T-Toire Wa?Copy !req
317. No, your toilet
is back at the farm.Copy !req
318. Taihen ja naaaa...Copy !req
319. Dad, I'm sorry I yelled
at you before.Copy !req
320. I didn't know you were
really trying to help.Copy !req
321. Kon-nichi waaa...Copy !req
322. - Stan, where are you going?
- I let dad down once.Copy !req
323. Somebody has to pick up
where he left off.Copy !req
324. I promise
we're doing all we can.Copy !req
325. I'm sorry for what happened,Copy !req
326. but you need to leave it
to the professionals.Copy !req
327. There's something
more going on here.Copy !req
328. I think my dad was on
to something and ICopy !req
329. didn't listen to him,
and now he's in a hospital.Copy !req
330. We've already got a few leadsCopy !req
331. and we're following up
on all of them.Copy !req
332. I assure you we take this
all very seriously.Copy !req
333. This isn't a joke to us.Copy !req
334. - Chief, hey, Chief!
- Yeah?Copy !req
335. An angry proctologist walked inCopy !req
336. to the toilet section
of Home Depot.Copy !req
337. Y-Yeah?Copy !req
338. Proctologist says
to the toilet manager,Copy !req
339. "I ain't taking the fall,"
and pulls a gunCopy !req
340. on six Japanese delivery men.Copy !req
341. Okay.Copy !req
342. So, then, the six Japanese
delivery men show up,Copy !req
343. and the proctologist
has everyone held hostageCopy !req
344. and says he's not
taking the fallCopy !req
345. for the Randy Marsh shooting.Copy !req
346. Oh, shit, this is
actually happening?Copy !req
347. Come on people let's go!Copy !req
348. I ain't going down for this!Copy !req
349. You got that, coppers?
I didn't shoot anybody!Copy !req
350. But if I'm going down,Copy !req
351. I'll take these careless
bastards out with me!Copy !req
352. Would you like some
sparkling water or cham...Copy !req
353. Get... Get outta here!Copy !req
354. Come on out.Copy !req
355. There's no other way,
we have you surrounded.Copy !req
356. I didn't shoot Randy Marsh!Copy !req
357. - Taihen!
- Nobody's saying you did!Copy !req
358. No, but they're gonna
use me as their scapegoat!Copy !req
359. They'll fix things
like they always do!Copy !req
360. - Who will?
- They'll use their lawyersCopy !req
361. and their power
to make it all go away!Copy !req
362. Just like they did back
when that 2nd grade kidCopy !req
363. wrote a story in the school
paper about toiletsCopy !req
364. two years ago!Copy !req
365. They'll take me out, too!Copy !req
366. There's no stopping them!Copy !req
367. Don't do it!Copy !req
368. Sabishiiiii!Copy !req
369. Aww! Alright move in!Copy !req
370. Secure the area.Copy !req
371. 2nd grade kid two years ago...Copy !req
372. Wrote about toilets
in the school news paper.Copy !req
373. You weren't warning me
about people getting upset.Copy !req
374. You know more about this.Copy !req
375. Hey!Copy !req
376. You wrote a story
in the school paperCopy !req
377. and someone came after you!Copy !req
378. Yeah I wrote a story, big deal!Copy !req
379. Jimmy, I want to know
who shot my dad!Copy !req
380. They took everything
from me, Stan.Copy !req
381. My bike... my cat...Copy !req
382. They were gonna sue my parentsCopy !req
383. for what I wrote
in the school paper.Copy !req
384. You're talking about
the toilet paper companies.Copy !req
385. Who has the most to lose?
It's all toilet paper, Stan!Copy !req
386. Follow the money!
140 rolls per American per year.Copy !req
387. Factories pushing out
roll after rollCopy !req
388. while razing Earth's resources.Copy !req
389. All of this for
an unsanitary productCopy !req
390. that has been proven
to contribute to anal fissures.Copy !req
391. Don't you get it, man?Copy !req
392. Paper doesn't clean bacteria.
It can't stop viruses.Copy !req
393. With all that information,Copy !req
394. you'd think
the world health organizationCopy !req
395. would do studies
to find alternatives.Copy !req
396. So why don't they?Copy !req
397. Because toilet paper
is an industry worthCopy !req
398. billions and b-billions
of dollars.Copy !req
399. Kimberly-Clark, Georgia-Pacific,
Procter & Gamble.Copy !req
400. They don't want Japanese
toilets in AmericaCopy !req
401. and they have the power
to stop them,Copy !req
402. and to stop you.Copy !req
403. I can't believe
they shot my dad...Copy !req
404. because he wanted
to change things.Copy !req
405. These people have deeper pockets
than you can possibly imagine.Copy !req
406. They can destroy
everything you love, Stan.Copy !req
407. Take my advice...Copy !req
408. Don't. Squeeze.
The Charmin.Copy !req
409. You might be too scared Jimmy,
but I'm a Marsh.Copy !req
410. My fellow Americans...Copy !req
411. we have been coerced
and brain washed.Copy !req
412. While the rest of the world
walks aroundCopy !req
413. with cleaner buttholes,
we are obsessed with dry paperCopy !req
414. sold to us by billion-dollar
corporations.Copy !req
415. - Yeah.
- Hey, yeah, he's right!Copy !req
416. My father wanted everyone to see
that there were alternatives.Copy !req
417. But they don't want him talking
about alternatives!Copy !req
418. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!Copy !req
419. And we can't be blindly
buying their products anymore.Copy !req
420. And as a town,
we will find alternatives,Copy !req
421. and we will not be afraid to...Copy !req
422. Stop! Stop!
We're not doing this!Copy !req
423. Dad! Everyone just
stop, we're not doing this.Copy !req
424. Thank you. South Park, uh,
we-we're cutting this short.Copy !req
425. I was totally wrong
and I want to apologize.Copy !req
426. No, dad, it's the toilet
paper companiesCopy !req
427. that are behind all the...
Yeah, I know.Copy !req
428. Yeah, so, uh, w-we have
nothing against toilet paper.Copy !req
429. It's a great product and, uh,Copy !req
430. it was childish of me
to make fun of it.Copy !req
431. Thanks, though.
We'll see ya later.Copy !req
432. Dad, we can't just back down.Copy !req
433. - Bro!
- I got shot!Copy !req
434. Japanese toilets are
totally unnecessary,Copy !req
435. and, uh, in case anyone
else is listening,Copy !req
436. I think all of South Park
would like to apologize.Copy !req
437. We retract what we said about
toilet paper companies.Copy !req
438. They... They have done nothing
but help us, and we are sorry.Copy !req
439. South Park... everyone...
Say you're sorry.Copy !req
440. We're sorry.Copy !req
441. Okay, great.
Come on, guys, let's go home.Copy !req
442. What about helping people
and leading by example?Copy !req
443. We're not the Goddamn
Kennedys, Stan.Copy !req
444. Stop being an idiot.Copy !req
445. Nice to have you back, Ol' Blue.Copy !req
446. You know, guys,
I'm actually not that sad.Copy !req
447. Having a Japanese toilet
was great, but...Copy !req
448. I've come to realize that,Copy !req
449. when you have some big,
nice luxury thing,Copy !req
450. it eventually
just becomes normal.Copy !req
451. But you start comparing it to
all the other thingsCopy !req
452. in your life which suddenly feel
you have to upgrade, too.Copy !req
453. So, it's really best to justCopy !req
454. stick with the beat-up,
crappy old things we have.Copy !req
455. Love you forever, Honey.Copy !req
456. >>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.orgCopy !req