1. Okay, children,
let's take our seats.Copy !req
2. I know there's a lot of things
going onCopy !req
3. and we're all a little bit
worried.Copy !req
4. I've heard some of you express
concern over current events,Copy !req
5. so I think we should
discuss what's happening.Copy !req
6. It is true —Copy !req
7. Rick and I did get into a fight
over the weekend.Copy !req
8. Now, I don't know what you've
heard and what you haven't,Copy !req
9. but Rick was wrong, okay?Copy !req
10. He's the one that needs
to apologize.Copy !req
11. We're not worried about that.
We're all worried about Putin.Copy !req
12. Putin? It was just a little
noise when I pulled out.Copy !req
13. Nobody was "pootin," okay?Copy !req
14. And anyway, you kids shouldn't
be talking about that stuff!Copy !req
15. Geez!Copy !req
16. Uh, kids,
I need your attention!Copy !req
17. We're doing an emergency drill
this morning, m'kay.Copy !req
18. A drill?Copy !req
19. M'kay, now, we haven't done
these in a long time,Copy !req
20. but we need to be prepared if
the Russians decide to nuke us.Copy !req
21. Now, when you
hear this sound...Copy !req
22. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
23. then you need to quickly
and calmly get out of your seatsCopy !req
24. and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?Copy !req
25. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
26. The Russians are
nuking us! Go!Copy !req
27. Go, go, go!
We're all gonna die!Copy !req
28. Come on! Come on!
The missiles are coming!Copy !req
29. They've lost their minds!
Run!Copy !req
30. Get to the gym!
Get to the gym!Copy !req
31. Come on!Copy !req
32. Come on, we're getting nuked!
Everyone to the gym!Copy !req
33. It's our only chance!Copy !req
34. Under the bleachers! Go!Copy !req
35. Come on, move!
Everyone's going to die!Copy !req
36. M'kay.
That was... 22 seconds.Copy !req
37. That's not bad, m'kay.Copy !req
38. Now, if this were real,
we would just all stay hereCopy !req
39. and wait to hear from
our government and maybe,Copy !req
40. maybe listen to
some appropriate music,Copy !req
41. like we did back in the '80s.Copy !req
42. Starring...Copy !req
43. and the comedy of...Copy !req
44. Hi, Katie!Copy !req
45. Hi, Kelly!Copy !req
46. Oh, my gosh.
Pixie looks so pretty today.Copy !req
47. Thanks!
I braided my pony's tail.Copy !req
48. Hi, Josslyn!
Hi, Staci Mae!Copy !req
49. Hi, Butters.Copy !req
50. Alright, pony riders.Copy !req
51. We've got a big competition
this weekend,Copy !req
52. so let's line up
and do our rails.Copy !req
53. Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!Copy !req
54. Don't wave at us,
Butters!Copy !req
55. Judges hate when they wave.
He needs to not do that.Copy !req
56. Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot.
Here comes the jump.Copy !req
57. Good. Very nice.
Okay, next.Copy !req
58. Good, Heather.Copy !req
59. That's good control of Sunshine.
Good.Copy !req
60. Okay, Butters, come on.
You're next.Copy !req
61. Come on, Butters.
Come on!Copy !req
62. Oh! He clunked it!Copy !req
63. It's okay.
It's okay.Copy !req
64. Good job, Butters.
Good job.Copy !req
65. !Copy !req
66. We should just pull Butters
out of dressage.Copy !req
67. He sucks at this.Copy !req
68. Oh, we can't pull him out.
He loves it.Copy !req
69. Don't you understand, Linda?
I'm scared.Copy !req
70. The big competition
is this weekend.Copy !req
71. Butters will be going up
against the Russians.Copy !req
72. Oh, look, here comes
the Russian now.Copy !req
73. - Boo!
- Boo!Copy !req
74. Boo, Russia!
Booooo!Copy !req
75. Hey, what are you booing
a little kid for?Copy !req
76. Don't you know
who that is?Copy !req
77. That's Dan Solokov's kid!Copy !req
78. Dan Solokov who works at
the Ace Hardware over in Meeker?Copy !req
79. Even the kid's pony
is a Russian Etruscan!Copy !req
80. You piece-a-shit communist!Copy !req
81. You won't take our freedoms
away! Boo, Russia!Copy !req
82. Yeah?Copy !req
83. Mr. Mackey, I'd like to
have a word with you.Copy !req
84. Oh, yeah, yes, of course,
PC Principal.Copy !req
85. I see that you've, uh,
called for anotherCopy !req
86. nuclear emergency drill
this afternoon?Copy !req
87. Yes, that's right.
We are going to be prepared.Copy !req
88. Well, Mr. Mackey, this is
the seventh drillCopy !req
89. that we've done
in two days.Copy !req
90. And I see that you also put in
the budget for a bomb shelterCopy !req
91. and 20 VHS copies
of "Red Dawn."Copy !req
92. VHS is still really the best
format when you think about it.Copy !req
93. Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to
worry that this is sort of...Copy !req
94. nostalgic for you,Copy !req
95. like you're kind of
enjoying this.Copy !req
96. Enjoying it?Copy !req
97. My job is
to have this school ready.Copy !req
98. Kids need to know what Russia
is capable of.Copy !req
99. Ah-staff meen-ya
if pahk-oye.Copy !req
100. You speak Russian?Copy !req
101. No, but I watched
"Hunt For Red October"Copy !req
102. like 200 times.Copy !req
103. Mr. Mackey,
I'm not asking you.Copy !req
104. I'm telling you —
stop with all the drillsCopy !req
105. and stop putting ideas
into our students' heads.Copy !req
106. No, you —
you're right, of course.Copy !req
107. I'm —
I'm over-reacting.Copy !req
108. Okay.Copy !req
109. M'kay.Copy !req
110. Alright, Butters,
you've just got two more daysCopy !req
111. before
the dressage competition.Copy !req
112. I'll do my best, Dad.Copy !req
113. You're gonna have to do better
than that, Butters.Copy !req
114. You see that little Russian kid
over there?Copy !req
115. That kid doesn't
give a shit about you.Copy !req
116. He just wants to winCopy !req
117. and take what little patriotism
our country has left.Copy !req
118. That kid?Copy !req
119. You didn't live through the
Cold War, Butters, but we did.Copy !req
120. This tournament is
gonna be turned intoCopy !req
121. a political spectacle,
and you have to win.Copy !req
122. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll
have to give your pony awayCopy !req
123. to communists who slaughter
ponies and donkeysCopy !req
124. to make skin cream.Copy !req
125. That's mostly the Chinese,
but a commie's a commie.Copy !req
126. Better dead than red,
Butters.Copy !req
127. Oh, Jesus!
Not Melancholy!Copy !req
128. Now, that little prick
is trying to intimidate you.Copy !req
129. I want you to go in there and
show him how an American rides.Copy !req
130. Come on, boy!Copy !req
131. Butters! Butters, what the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
132. Well, I dunno!Copy !req
133. You have to
learn control!Copy !req
134. Come on, Melancholy, come on!Copy !req
135. Ewwww!Copy !req
136. Butters,
what the hell is that?Copy !req
137. What is what?
Oh, geez!Copy !req
138. Put that thing away,
Melancholy!Copy !req
139. Jesus, Linda,
what are we gonna do?Copy !req
140. What are you up to,
you piece of shit?Copy !req
141. Hello, sir.Copy !req
142. I just needed to
talk to somebody.Copy !req
143. I've been having
some problems at home.Copy !req
144. Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice.
That's good to hear.Copy !req
145. Why don't you just, uh,
sit there and tell me about it?Copy !req
146. Well, it's just my parents.Copy !req
147. You see, a few months ago,
I saw this little girlCopy !req
148. riding a pony and I said,
"Whoa! I wanna do that!"Copy !req
149. Uh-huh.Copy !req
150. So we found a stable
and a trainer,Copy !req
151. and I started to
learn dressage.Copy !req
152. And I got to lease a pony,
and his name is Melancholy.Copy !req
153. Yeah, yeah,
that must be tough.Copy !req
154. I'm sorry to hear that,
m'kay.Copy !req
155. Well, I love
to ride Melancholy.Copy !req
156. But now I'm feeling
all this pressure to win.Copy !req
157. My parents said
I have to winCopy !req
158. because it's against
the Russians.Copy !req
159. M'kay, we—Copy !req
160. The what?Copy !req
161. It's the Russians.Copy !req
162. I mean, I guess they're just
really good at dressage,Copy !req
163. But now my dad says it's
a matter of national security.Copy !req
164. M'kay. Butters.Copy !req
165. Don't move your head.Copy !req
166. Don't move my head?
I —Copy !req
167. Uh, uh!
They're probably watching us,Copy !req
168. so keep acting like
you're asking me for help.Copy !req
169. Well, o-okay, but I kind of am
asking you for help, ya know,Copy !req
170. because I'm feeling
really lost and miserable.Copy !req
171. That's good.
Now listen carefully.Copy !req
172. What did your parents
tell you?Copy !req
173. Well, they said if I don't
do well at dressage,Copy !req
174. it could mean the end
of all of our freedoms.Copy !req
175. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
176. M'kay, well, Butters,
you know,Copy !req
177. sometimes troubles at home
can be bad, m'kay.Copy !req
178. I need you
to tell me everything you knowCopy !req
179. about dressage.Copy !req
180. We need to have a serious talk,
Melancholy,Copy !req
181. and I need you to listen.Copy !req
182. There's a time to poop,
and there's a time to work.Copy !req
183. And the best thing is to poop
when your work is done.Copy !req
184. I-It's like when
I'm in the classroom,Copy !req
185. sometimes I have to poop,Copy !req
186. but I have to wait
until lunch break.Copy !req
187. If I really have to go, I can
raise my hand to ask politely.Copy !req
188. But if you stop and poop
while we're competin',Copy !req
189. the judges are gonna
deduct points.Copy !req
190. And then the Russians
will beat us,Copy !req
191. and then you're gonna get turned
into Chinese skin cream!Copy !req
192. We have to do this, Melancholy.Copy !req
193. You and me have to focus
like never before.Copy !req
194. Now, let's go show them
what we can do!Copy !req
195. Let's go!Copy !req
196. That's it!
You got it, boy!Copy !req
197. Nope! Nope! Melancholy!Copy !req
198. Over the jump, boy!Copy !req
199. Come on, Melancholy!Copy !req
200. What?
W-Where are you going?Copy !req
201. Melancholy, back to the jump!Copy !req
202. Whoa, Melancholy! Whoa!Copy !req
203. W-What are you doing now?Copy !req
204. Now I'm not sure
what's goin' on here.Copy !req
205. No! No! No!
Melancholy! Bad pony!Copy !req
206. I'm sorry, ma'am!
Melancholy, to the jump!Copy !req
207. What are you doing here?Copy !req
208. Don't shoot...Copy !req
209. I-I'm just the school
counselor...Copy !req
210. Mr. Stotch?Copy !req
211. Mr. Mackey?Copy !req
212. What the hell
are you doing here?Copy !req
213. What the hell are you
doing here?Copy !req
214. I'll ask the questions,
I've got the gun!Copy !req
215. We were just...
having a look around...Copy !req
216. We weren't going to mess with
the Russian pony.Copy !req
217. I-I promise.Copy !req
218. Shut up, Linda.Copy !req
219. Mr. and Mrs. Stotch,
you know —Copy !req
220. your son has been
having some problemsCopy !req
221. on the playground
at school.Copy !req
222. What kind of problems?Copy !req
223. Well, you know,
bullies, and, uh,Copy !req
224. pressure for marijuana,
you know, with —Copy !req
225. Don't move!Copy !req
226. Ahhhh!Copy !req
227. Now I want some
Goddamn answers.Copy !req
228. So you want them to win, huh?
You're a traitor.Copy !req
229. I'm not the traitor.
Yeah, right...Copy !req
230. Since when do you care
about dressage?Copy !req
231. Since I found out the principal
is a Russian spy.Copy !req
232. A what?Copy !req
233. There's something very big
going on here,Copy !req
234. and I think it involves
your son.Copy !req
235. Mr. Mackey...
we were just here to tryCopy !req
236. and give that pony diarrhea
by feeding it Erewhon.Copy !req
237. It's the truth.Copy !req
238. We're on your side.Copy !req
239. I think I understand
what's going on now...Copy !req
240. The Communists are gonna use the
pony show as justification...Copy !req
241. to fire the missiles.Copy !req
242. Welcome, everyone, to the 10
and under pony dressage finals.Copy !req
243. We want to thank everyone
for coming out todayCopy !req
244. to support these little riders.Copy !req
245. This is it,
Melancholy.Copy !req
246. We have to do this.Copy !req
247. We have to be classy.
We're not gonna poop.Copy !req
248. We're not gonna get a boner,
and we're certainly not gonnaCopy !req
249. have unwarranted sex
with the ladies.Copy !req
250. Please, boy...
We have got to get this right.Copy !req
251. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
252. Well, hi, junior!
What a surprise, m'kay!Copy !req
253. Mom... I need to use something
in my old room.Copy !req
254. Well, sure, come on in!Copy !req
255. Everything is still
just as you left it, son.Copy !req
256. Mom, I think World War 3
is about to start.Copy !req
257. I'm gonna do what I can
to protect our country!Copy !req
258. Oh, uh, m'kay, honey,
I'll make you a snack.Copy !req
259. Hello, Mr. Mackey.Copy !req
260. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
261. What the hell was that?Copy !req
262. Someone from the outside
is logged intoCopy !req
263. the missile defense system!Copy !req
264. Well, kick them out!
Shut off the Wi-Fi!Copy !req
265. It's not coming in
on Wi-Fi!Copy !req
266. It's some old,
archaic technology!Copy !req
267. X = "The Russians
are nuking us."Copy !req
268. Print X, goto 10.Copy !req
269. Run.Copy !req
270. What are they
trying to do?Copy !req
271. It's just repeating the same
line over and over.Copy !req
272. How did they
get it to do that?Copy !req
273. Sir! The computers are
taking us to DEFCON 3!Copy !req
274. Jesus Christ...
It's dressage.Copy !req
275. President Putin!Copy !req
276. Take missiles to DEFCON 2!Copy !req
277. Here's your Sunny Delight
and Steak-umms, honey.Copy !req
278. Get outta my room,
Mom, God!Copy !req
279. Get outta my room.Copy !req
280. Sweetheart...
are you m'kay?Copy !req
281. 'Course I'm not m'kay —Copy !req
282. but you wouldn't understand
'cause you're a grown-up.Copy !req
283. Honey...
as your mother,Copy !req
284. I want you to know
you can talk to meCopy !req
285. about whatever you want.Copy !req
286. Even if it's about being scared
of gettin' old.Copy !req
287. Things used to be
so much simpler, Mama.Copy !req
288. There was a good guy and a —
and a bad guy.Copy !req
289. And we all...
sort of came togetherCopy !req
290. and loved our country...Copy !req
291. Not like it is now.Copy !req
292. Ohhh, junior.Copy !req
293. I know that gettin' old
isn't so much fun, is it?Copy !req
294. We all wanna go back to a time
when we were younger.Copy !req
295. You're getting to be
around 55.Copy !req
296. Your pee-pee doesn't work
so good, does it?Copy !req
297. How'd you know about that,
Mom?Copy !req
298. Well, I'm your mom, honey.Copy !req
299. When a man gets to a point
where his pee-peeCopy !req
300. doesn't work the way it used to,
he starts to...Copy !req
301. well, sit in his room and play
war games again, you know?Copy !req
302. But, honey,
those times weren't better.Copy !req
303. We were all scared.Copy !req
304. People died.Copy !req
305. That's not something
to strive to get back to.Copy !req
306. You're right, mama...Copy !req
307. I've been bad.Copy !req
308. Oh, you're not bad —Copy !req
309. No, I'm bad —Copy !req
310. No, nom sweetheart.Copy !req
311. It — It just felt good
'cause it was familiar.Copy !req
312. That's just sort of
what us old people do.Copy !req
313. It all comes down to this.Copy !req
314. If he completes this last rail,
he will be the winner.Copy !req
315. We're all dead,
Linda.Copy !req
316. Rider... please demonstrate
your trot.Copy !req
317. It's Okay, Melancholy...
We did our best...Copy !req
318. Whoa...
Where you goin', Melancholy?Copy !req
319. And here is the rail.Copy !req
320. Wait a minute — we have another
pony in the ring!Copy !req
321. What's he doing?Copy !req
322. What's he doing?
He's fighting for democracy!Copy !req
323. Go, Butters!Copy !req
324. Butters! Butters!Copy !req
325. Melancholy! Bad!Copy !req
326. Ahghg!Copy !req
327. 10... 9... 8...Copy !req
328. He's got 'em!Copy !req
329. 3... 2..1...
You're out!Copy !req
330. Ahghghghghg!Copy !req
331. Mr. Let me —
Let me though! Let me through!Copy !req
332. Mackey, we did it!Copy !req
333. I know!
It's amazing!Copy !req
334. This is all
a dream come true!Copy !req
335. You know... the past few days,
I've been re-living the past.Copy !req
336. But during this tournament,
I started to change.Copy !req
337. And I just wanna say
to the Russians —Copy !req
338. that if I can change,Copy !req
339. then yous can change!Copy !req
340. I know how it is when
you're gettin' old, you know,Copy !req
341. and you start getting aggressiveCopy !req
342. because your dick doesn't work
the way it used to.Copy !req
343. Da...Copy !req
344. Da...Copy !req
345. But just because
our dicks don't workCopy !req
346. doesn't mean we should go back
to the way things were.Copy !req
347. In the immortal words
of Sting —Copy !req
348. we all share the same biology.Copy !req
349. Regardless of ideology.Copy !req