1. Okay, children, let's take our seats.Copy !req
2. I know there's a lot of things going onCopy !req
3. and we're all a little bit worried.Copy !req
4. I've heard some of you express
concern over current events,Copy !req
5. so I think we should
discuss what's happening.Copy !req
6. It is true...Copy !req
7. Rick and I did get into
a fight over the weekend.Copy !req
8. Now, I don't know what you've
heard and what you haven't,Copy !req
9. but Rick was wrong, okay?Copy !req
10. He's the one that needs to apologize.Copy !req
11. We're not worried about that.
We're all worried about Putin.Copy !req
12. Putin? It was just a little
noise when I pulled out.Copy !req
13. Nobody was "pootin," okay?Copy !req
14. And anyway, you kids shouldn't
be talking about that stuff!Copy !req
15. Geez!Copy !req
16. Uh, kids, I need your attention!Copy !req
17. We're doing an emergency
drill this morning, m'kay.Copy !req
18. A drill?Copy !req
19. M'kay, now, we haven't
done these in a long time,Copy !req
20. but we need to be prepared if
the Russians decide to nuke us.Copy !req
21. Now, when you hear this sound...Copy !req
22. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
23. Then you need to quickly
and calmly get out of your seatsCopy !req
24. and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?Copy !req
25. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
26. The Russians are nuking us! Go!Copy !req
27. Go, go, go! We're all gonna die!Copy !req
28. Come on! Come on!
The missiles are coming!Copy !req
29. They've lost their minds! Run!Copy !req
30. Get to the gym! Get to the gym!Copy !req
31. Come on!Copy !req
32. Come on, we're getting nuked!
Everyone to the gym!Copy !req
33. It's our only chance!Copy !req
34. Under the bleachers! Go!Copy !req
35. Come on, move! Everyone's going to die!Copy !req
36. M'kay. That was... 22 seconds.Copy !req
37. That's not bad, m'kay.Copy !req
38. Now, if this were real,
we would just all stay hereCopy !req
39. and wait to hear from
our government and maybe,Copy !req
40. maybe listen to some appropriate music,Copy !req
41. like we did back in the '80s.Copy !req
42. Starring...Copy !req
43. Butters.Copy !req
44. Stephen and Linda Stotch.Copy !req
45. Melancholy the Horse.Copy !req
46. And the comedy of Vladimir Putin.Copy !req
47. Hi, Katie!Copy !req
48. Hi, Kelly!Copy !req
49. Oh, my gosh. Pixie
looks so pretty today.Copy !req
50. Thanks! I braided my pony's tail.Copy !req
51. Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae!Copy !req
52. Hi, Butters.Copy !req
53. Alright, pony riders.Copy !req
54. We've got a big
competition this weekend,Copy !req
55. so let's line up and do our rails.Copy !req
56. Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!Copy !req
57. Don't wave at us, Butters!Copy !req
58. Judges hate when they wave.
He needs to not do that.Copy !req
59. Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot.
Here comes the jump.Copy !req
60. Good. Very nice. Okay, next.Copy !req
61. Good, Heather.Copy !req
62. That's good control of Sunshine. Good.Copy !req
63. Okay, Butters, come on. You're next.Copy !req
64. Come on, Butters. Come on!Copy !req
65. Oh! He clunked it!Copy !req
66. It's okay. It's okay.Copy !req
67. Good job, Butters. Good job.Copy !req
68. We should just pull
Butters out of dressage.Copy !req
69. He sucks at this.Copy !req
70. Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.Copy !req
71. Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared.Copy !req
72. The big competition is this weekend.Copy !req
73. Butters will be going
up against the Russians.Copy !req
74. Oh, look, here comes the Russian now.Copy !req
75. - Boo!
- Boo!Copy !req
76. Boo, Russia! Booooo!Copy !req
77. Hey, what are you
booing a little kid for?Copy !req
78. Don't you know who that is?Copy !req
79. That's Dan Solokov's kid!Copy !req
80. Dan Solokov who works at
the Ace Hardware over in Meeker?Copy !req
81. Even the kid's pony
is a Russian Etruscan!Copy !req
82. You piece-a-shit communist!Copy !req
83. You won't take our
freedoms away! Boo, Russia!Copy !req
84. Yeah?Copy !req
85. Mr. Mackey, I'd like
to have a word with you.Copy !req
86. Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal.Copy !req
87. I see that you've,
uh, called for anotherCopy !req
88. nuclear emergency drill this afternoon?Copy !req
89. Yes, that's right. We
are going to be prepared.Copy !req
90. Well, Mr. Mackey, this
is the seventh drillCopy !req
91. that we've done in two days.Copy !req
92. And I see that you also put in
the budget for a bomb shelterCopy !req
93. and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn."Copy !req
94. VHS is still really the best
format when you think about it.Copy !req
95. Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to
worry that this is sort of...Copy !req
96. nostalgic for you,Copy !req
97. like you're kind of enjoying this.Copy !req
98. Enjoying it?Copy !req
99. My job is to have this school ready.Copy !req
100. Kids need to know what
Russia is capable of.Copy !req
101. Ah-staff meen-ya if pahk-oye.Copy !req
102. You speak Russian?Copy !req
103. No, but I watched "Hunt For Red October"Copy !req
104. like 200 times.Copy !req
105. Mr. Mackey, I'm not asking you.Copy !req
106. I'm telling you...
Stop with all the drillsCopy !req
107. and stop putting ideas
into our students' heads.Copy !req
108. No, you... You're right, of course.Copy !req
109. I'm... I'm over-reacting.Copy !req
110. Okay.Copy !req
111. M'kay.Copy !req
112. Alright, Butters, you've
just got two more daysCopy !req
113. before the dressage competition.Copy !req
114. I'll do my best, Dad.Copy !req
115. You're gonna have to do
better than that, Butters.Copy !req
116. You see that little
Russian kid over there?Copy !req
117. That kid doesn't give a shit about you.Copy !req
118. He just wants to winCopy !req
119. and take what little
patriotism our country has left.Copy !req
120. That kid?Copy !req
121. You didn't live through the
Cold War, Butters, but we did.Copy !req
122. This tournament is gonna be turned intoCopy !req
123. a political spectacle,
and you have to win.Copy !req
124. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll
have to give your pony awayCopy !req
125. to communists who
slaughter ponies and donkeysCopy !req
126. to make skin cream.Copy !req
127. That's mostly the Chinese,
but a commie's a commie.Copy !req
128. Better dead than red, Butters.Copy !req
129. Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy!Copy !req
130. Now, that little prick
is trying to intimidate you.Copy !req
131. I want you to go in there and
show him how an American rides.Copy !req
132. Come on, boy!Copy !req
133. Butters! Butters, what
the hell are you doing?Copy !req
134. Well, I dunno!Copy !req
135. You have to learn control!Copy !req
136. Come on, Melancholy, come on!Copy !req
137. Ewwww!Copy !req
138. Butters, what the hell is that?Copy !req
139. What is what? Oh, geez!Copy !req
140. Put that thing away, Melancholy!Copy !req
141. Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
142. What are you up to, you piece of shit?Copy !req
143. Hello, sir.Copy !req
144. I just needed to talk to somebody.Copy !req
145. I've been having some problems at home.Copy !req
146. Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice.
That's good to hear.Copy !req
147. Why don't you just, uh, sit
there and tell me about it?Copy !req
148. Well, it's just my parents.Copy !req
149. You see, a few months
ago, I saw this little girlCopy !req
150. riding a pony and I said,
"Whoa! I wanna do that!"Copy !req
151. Uh-huh.Copy !req
152. So we found a stable and a trainer,Copy !req
153. and I started to learn dressage.Copy !req
154. And I got to lease a pony,
and his name is Melancholy.Copy !req
155. Yeah, yeah, that must be tough.Copy !req
156. I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay.Copy !req
157. Well, I love to ride Melancholy.Copy !req
158. But now I'm feeling all
this pressure to win.Copy !req
159. My parents said I have to winCopy !req
160. because it's against the Russians.Copy !req
161. M'kay, we...Copy !req
162. The what?Copy !req
163. It's the Russians.Copy !req
164. I mean, I guess they're
just really good at dressage,Copy !req
165. But now my dad says it's
a matter of national security.Copy !req
166. M'kay. Butters.Copy !req
167. Don't move your head.Copy !req
168. Don't move my head? I...Copy !req
169. Uh, uh! They're probably watching us,Copy !req
170. so keep acting like
you're asking me for help.Copy !req
171. Well, o-okay, but I kind of am
asking you for help, ya know,Copy !req
172. because I'm feeling
really lost and miserable.Copy !req
173. That's good. Now listen carefully.Copy !req
174. What did your parents tell you?Copy !req
175. Well, they said if I
don't do well at dressage,Copy !req
176. it could mean the end
of all of our freedoms.Copy !req
177. Jesus Christ.Copy !req
178. M'kay, well, Butters, you know,Copy !req
179. sometimes troubles at
home can be bad, m'kay.Copy !req
180. I need you to tell me
everything you knowCopy !req
181. about dressage.Copy !req
182. We need to have
a serious talk, Melancholy,Copy !req
183. and I need you to listen.Copy !req
184. There's a time to poop,
and there's a time to work.Copy !req
185. And the best thing is to
poop when your work is done.Copy !req
186. I-It's like when I'm in the classroom,Copy !req
187. sometimes I have to poop,Copy !req
188. but I have to wait until lunch break.Copy !req
189. If I really have to go, I can
raise my hand to ask politely.Copy !req
190. But if you stop and poop
while we're competin',Copy !req
191. the judges are gonna deduct points.Copy !req
192. And then the Russians will beat us,Copy !req
193. and then you're gonna get
turned into Chinese skin cream!Copy !req
194. We have to do this, Melancholy.Copy !req
195. You and me have to
focus like never before.Copy !req
196. Now, let's go show them what we can do!Copy !req
197. Let's go!Copy !req
198. That's it! You got it, boy!Copy !req
199. Nope! Nope! Melancholy!Copy !req
200. Over the jump, boy!Copy !req
201. Come on, Melancholy!Copy !req
202. What? W-Where are you going?Copy !req
203. Melancholy, back to the jump!Copy !req
204. Whoa, Melancholy! Whoa!Copy !req
205. W-What are you doing now?Copy !req
206. Now I'm not sure what's goin' on here.Copy !req
207. No! No! No! Melancholy! Bad pony!Copy !req
208. I'm sorry, ma'am!
Melancholy, to the jump!Copy !req
209. What are you doing here?Copy !req
210. Don't shoot...Copy !req
211. I-I'm just the school counselor...Copy !req
212. Mr. Stotch?Copy !req
213. Mr. Mackey?Copy !req
214. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
215. What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
216. I'll ask the questions,
I've got the gun!Copy !req
217. We were just... having a look around...Copy !req
218. We weren't going to mess
with the Russian pony.Copy !req
219. I-I promise.Copy !req
220. Shut up, Linda.Copy !req
221. Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, you know...Copy !req
222. Your son has been having some problemsCopy !req
223. on the playground at school.Copy !req
224. What kind of problems?Copy !req
225. Well, you know, bullies, and, uh,Copy !req
226. pressure for marijuana,
you know, with...Copy !req
227. Don't move!Copy !req
228. Now I want some goddamn answers.Copy !req
229. So you want them to win,
huh? You're a traitor.Copy !req
230. - I'm not the traitor.
- Yeah, right...Copy !req
231. Since when do you care about dressage?Copy !req
232. Since I found out the
principal is a Russian spy.Copy !req
233. A what?Copy !req
234. There's something
very big going on here,Copy !req
235. and I think it involves your son.Copy !req
236. Mr. Mackey... we were just here to tryCopy !req
237. and give that pony diarrhea
by feeding it Erewhon.Copy !req
238. It's the truth.Copy !req
239. We're on your side.Copy !req
240. I think I understand
what's going on now...Copy !req
241. The Communists are gonna use
the pony show as justification...Copy !req
242. to fire the missiles.Copy !req
243. Welcome, everyone, to the 10
and under pony dressage finals.Copy !req
244. We want to thank everyone
for coming out todayCopy !req
245. to support these little riders.Copy !req
246. This is it, Melancholy.Copy !req
247. We have to do this.Copy !req
248. We have to be classy.
We're not gonna poop.Copy !req
249. We're not gonna get a boner,
and we're certainly not gonnaCopy !req
250. have unwarranted sex with the ladies.Copy !req
251. Please, boy... We have
got to get this right.Copy !req
252. Hi, Mom.Copy !req
253. Well, hi, junior!
What a surprise, m'kay!Copy !req
254. Mom... I need to use
something in my old room.Copy !req
255. Well, sure, come on in!Copy !req
256. Everything is still
just as you left it, son.Copy !req
257. Mom, I think World War 3
is about to start.Copy !req
258. I'm gonna do what I can
to protect our country!Copy !req
259. Oh, uh, m'kay, honey,
I'll make you a snack.Copy !req
260. Hello, Mr. Mackey.Copy !req
261. The Russians are nuking us.Copy !req
262. What the hell was that?Copy !req
263. Someone from the outside is logged intoCopy !req
264. the missile defense system!Copy !req
265. Well, kick them out!
Shut off the Wi-Fi!Copy !req
266. It's not coming in on Wi-Fi!Copy !req
267. It's some old, archaic technology!Copy !req
268. X = "The Russians are nuking us."Copy !req
269. Print X, goto 10.Copy !req
270. Run.Copy !req
271. What are they trying to do?Copy !req
272. It's just repeating the
same line over and over.Copy !req
273. How did they get it to do that?Copy !req
274. Sir! The computers are
taking us to DEFCON 3!Copy !req
275. Jesus Christ... It's dressage.Copy !req
276. President Putin!Copy !req
277. Take missiles to DEFCON 2!Copy !req
278. Here's your Sunny Delight
and Steak-umms, honey.Copy !req
279. Get outta my room, Mom, God!Copy !req
280. Get outta my room.Copy !req
281. Sweetheart... are you m'kay?Copy !req
282. 'Course I'm not m'kay...Copy !req
283. But you wouldn't understand
'cause you're a grown-up.Copy !req
284. Honey... as your mother,Copy !req
285. I want you to know you can talk to meCopy !req
286. about whatever you want.Copy !req
287. Even if it's about being
scared of gettin' old.Copy !req
288. Things used to be so much simpler, Mama.Copy !req
289. There was a good guy
and a... and a bad guy.Copy !req
290. And we all... sort of came togetherCopy !req
291. and loved our country...Copy !req
292. Not like it is now.Copy !req
293. Ohhh, junior.Copy !req
294. I know that gettin' old
isn't so much fun, is it?Copy !req
295. We all wanna go back to
a time when we were younger.Copy !req
296. You're getting to be around 55.Copy !req
297. Your pee-pee doesn't
work so good, does it?Copy !req
298. How'd you know about that, Mom?Copy !req
299. Well, I'm your mom, honey.Copy !req
300. When a man gets to a
point where his pee-peeCopy !req
301. doesn't work the way it
used to, he starts to...Copy !req
302. well, sit in his room and
play war games again, you know?Copy !req
303. But, honey, those times weren't better.Copy !req
304. We were all scared.Copy !req
305. People died.Copy !req
306. That's not something to
strive to get back to.Copy !req
307. You're right, mama...Copy !req
308. I've been bad.Copy !req
309. Oh, you're not bad...Copy !req
310. No, I'm bad...Copy !req
311. No, no sweetheart.Copy !req
312. It... It just felt good
'cause it was familiar.Copy !req
313. That's just sort of
what us old people do.Copy !req
314. It all comes down to this.Copy !req
315. If he completes this last
rail, he will be the winner.Copy !req
316. We're all dead, Linda.Copy !req
317. Rider... please demonstrate your trot.Copy !req
318. It's Okay, Melancholy...
We did our best...Copy !req
319. Whoa... Where you goin', Melancholy?Copy !req
320. And here is the rail.Copy !req
321. Wait a minute... we have
another pony in the ring!Copy !req
322. What's he doing?Copy !req
323. What's he doing?
He's fighting for democracy!Copy !req
324. Go, Butters!Copy !req
325. Butters! Butters!Copy !req
326. Melancholy! Bad!Copy !req
327. Ahghg!Copy !req
328. 10... 9... 8...Copy !req
329. He's got 'em!Copy !req
330. 3... 2..1... You're out!Copy !req
331. Let me... Let me though! Let me through!Copy !req
332. Mackey, we did it!Copy !req
333. I know! It's amazing!Copy !req
334. This is all a dream come true!Copy !req
335. You know... the past few days,
I've been re-living the past.Copy !req
336. But during this tournament,
I started to change.Copy !req
337. And I just wanna say to the Russians...Copy !req
338. That if I can change,Copy !req
339. then yous can change!Copy !req
340. I know how it is when
you're gettin' old, you know,Copy !req
341. and you start getting aggressiveCopy !req
342. because your dick doesn't
work the way it used to.Copy !req
343. Da...Copy !req
344. Da...Copy !req
345. But just because our dicks don't workCopy !req
346. doesn't mean we should go
back to the way things were.Copy !req
347. In the immortal words of Sting...Copy !req
348. We all share the same biology.Copy !req
349. Regardless of ideology.Copy !req