1. People, it's time
we faced some hard truths.Copy !req
2. The town is looking to us
for answers,Copy !req
3. and all we keep doing
is burying our heads.Copy !req
4. We need to cut the budget for
this year's Christmas pageant.Copy !req
5. My God.Copy !req
6. I've asked the director
of the holiday show to stop byCopy !req
7. so we can all
give him the news.Copy !req
8. He's not going
to take this well.Copy !req
9. If he doesn't,
we should just let him go.Copy !req
10. God knows
it's about time.Copy !req
11. Hey, a lot of people
like him, all right?Copy !req
12. Yeah, and lot of people
think he stinks.Copy !req
13. Let's just
get this over with.Copy !req
14. All right, send him in.Copy !req
15. Howwwwdy ho!Copy !req
16. You wanted to see me?Copy !req
17. Better hurry.Copy !req
18. We only have two months
before Christmas!Copy !req
19. Mr. Hankey, we called you in
to let you know thatCopy !req
20. your Christmas-pageant funding
has been cut.Copy !req
21. By half.Copy !req
22. What?Copy !req
23. But I can barely make a good
Christmas show with what I have!Copy !req
24. We just don't have the support
for the Christmas showCopy !req
25. that we used to.Copy !req
26. The truth is,
some people find you offensive.Copy !req
27. Offensive?
What about me is offensive?Copy !req
28. Some people think
that shitCopy !req
29. isn't the best representation
of Christmas.Copy !req
30. You — You people
can't do this.Copy !req
31. Christmas is the most magical
time of the year.Copy !req
32. The decision has
already been made.Copy !req
33. Thank you, Mr. Hankey,
and good luck with the show.Copy !req
34. Okay, stop.Copy !req
35. Kids, the song's called
"Deck the Halls,"Copy !req
36. not "Let's All Suck Balls."Copy !req
37. Now, come on, kids.Copy !req
38. Why do we have
to do this now?Copy !req
39. Yeah, It's not even
Halloween yet.Copy !req
40. Restoration Hardware put up
their Christmas decorationsCopy !req
41. two weeks ago, all right?Copy !req
42. Now, listen,
I didn't want this, either.Copy !req
43. I wanted the Denver Symphony.Copy !req
44. But they cut my budget,
and I'm stuck with you.Copy !req
45. Now, let's take it
from the top!Copy !req
46. Vice Principal Strong Woman?Copy !req
47. Yes, PC Principal?Copy !req
48. I was seeing
if there's anythingCopy !req
49. you might want
to discuss with me.Copy !req
50. What would we
need to discuss?Copy !req
51. I am so sorry that I took
advantage of my positionCopy !req
52. and manipulated you
into a physical encounter.Copy !req
53. Hey, I am a strong woman,
all right?Copy !req
54. I don't get manipulated.Copy !req
55. We both are guiltyCopy !req
56. of an ill-advised relationship
at the workplace,Copy !req
57. but that was long ago,Copy !req
58. and I have decided
to move forward.Copy !req
59. Are you sure
we can move forward?Copy !req
60. Why not? We make a mistake,
we move forward.Copy !req
61. I was just thinking
there might still possibly
be some fallout from —Copy !req
62. Nope. We're just
gonna forget about itCopy !req
63. and put it to rest.Copy !req
64. You don't think
there's anything elseCopy !req
65. to dis— to discuss?Copy !req
66. No, I don't.
Bye-bye.Copy !req
67. Dude. Kyle.
Dude.Copy !req
68. Dude.
What?Copy !req
69. Did you read what Mr. Hankey
tweeted last night?Copy !req
70. What Mr. Hankey tweeted?Copy !req
71. Yeah, I guess
after band rehearsals,Copy !req
72. he went on Twitter
to talk about us.Copy !req
73. Look.Copy !req
74. Oh.
Jesus Christ, dude.Copy !req
75. Mr. Hankey?Copy !req
76. Oh, Kyle!Copy !req
77. Howwwwwdy ho!Copy !req
78. Mr. Hankey,
everyone's really mad at you.Copy !req
79. Were you on Twitter
last night?Copy !req
80. Yeeeahhhh.Copy !req
81. Did you tweet,
"The kids of South ParkCopy !req
82. are retarded homos
who can't play music"?Copy !req
83. Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.Copy !req
84. Why would you tweet that?Copy !req
85. All the kids
are really pissed off!Copy !req
86. It was a bad attempt at a joke.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
87. Will you please tell the kids
I didn't mean it?Copy !req
88. What do you want me to say?Copy !req
89. The fact is,
I couldn't sleep last night,Copy !req
90. so I took some Ambien.Copy !req
91. You ever take that stuff?Copy !req
92. It turns your brains
into oatmeal.Copy !req
93. Please, Kyle, tell the kids
I didn't mean any harm.Copy !req
94. We've gotta focus
on Christmas!Copy !req
95. All right, everyone,
listen up.Copy !req
96. The vice principal has asked
to speak with you today.Copy !req
97. She believes it is time
that we all as a schoolCopy !req
98. finally discussed
in vitro fertilization.Copy !req
99. That's right, kids.Copy !req
100. Many women today make
the choice to have childrenCopy !req
101. without a man
in their lives.Copy !req
102. They can have
their eggs fertilizedCopy !req
103. by an unknown person's sperm
in a lab.Copy !req
104. That's right,
Strong Woman.Copy !req
105. In today's society,
it is wrong to just assumeCopy !req
106. that a pregnant woman
had intercourse with a man.Copy !req
107. St-Students at this school
need to be careful,Copy !req
108. because
it can be offensiveCopy !req
109. to asks questions like
"Who's the father?"Copy !req
110. You — You all right,
Strong Woman?Copy !req
111. I'm fine.Copy !req
112. So — So, we'd like
to have all our studentsCopy !req
113. talk to their parents
tonightCopy !req
114. about in vitro fertilization,
and after that,Copy !req
115. let's just put
the whole issue behind us.Copy !req
116. That's my water breaking.Copy !req
117. Not a big deal.Copy !req
118. Hankey!Copy !req
119. We need to talk
about what you tweeted!Copy !req
120. Oh, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
121. I took Ambien
two nights ago,Copy !req
122. and I called the schoolkids
homos.Copy !req
123. No, I'm talking about
what you tweeted last night.Copy !req
124. "The city council membersCopy !req
125. are a bunch of
pussy-licking Islamists."Copy !req
126. Oh. Oh, geez.
Did I say that?Copy !req
127. Listen, if you're tired
and you can't sleep,Copy !req
128. do not take Ambien.Copy !req
129. Okay?
Whew!Copy !req
130. I'm afraid we have no other
option but to fire youCopy !req
131. as executive planning manager
of the city council.Copy !req
132. Fire me?Copy !req
133. No, no, no, please.
I'm really sorry.Copy !req
134. No, wait!
Wait!Copy !req
135. Please give me
another chance.Copy !req
136. Don't do this!
What about Christmas?Copy !req
137. It's okay.
We'll be at the hospital soon.Copy !req
138. Just keep breathing.Copy !req
139. I didn't need your help.Copy !req
140. I'm just a co-worker helping
another co-worker in need.Copy !req
141. Yeah, well, people
might get the wrong idea!Copy !req
142. I have worked
my whole lifeCopy !req
143. to be the strongest woman
possible —Copy !req
144. a person little girls
could look up to.Copy !req
145. If those girls thought
that I was the typeCopy !req
146. to get knocked up
by my boss —Copy !req
147. I certainly do not want
to put any pressures
on you as a female,Copy !req
148. but at times I wonder if there
is more we should discuss.Copy !req
149. There's nothing
to discuss!Copy !req
150. I made a mistake,
and I am moving forward!Copy !req
151. My civil rights
are under attack.Copy !req
152. They can't just fire me
from the Christmas show!Copy !req
153. The whole thing
is my creation!Copy !req
154. Uh, last night,
you tweeted,Copy !req
155. "The city council
can suck my Mexican dick."Copy !req
156. It was a joke.Copy !req
157. Look at me!
I don't even have a dick!Copy !req
158. Get it?Copy !req
159. Okay, okay, look, I know —
It wasn't a good joke.Copy !req
160. But it really wasn't
my fault.Copy !req
161. The fact is, I went home
last night, and I was angry.Copy !req
162. I couldn't sleep,
so I took some Ambien.Copy !req
163. And then I started tweeting.Copy !req
164. Ambien messes with my head.
You ever take that crap?Copy !req
165. You want us to take this up
against Ambien?Copy !req
166. They have the best lawyers
in the world.Copy !req
167. Well, I thought
maybe I could get themCopy !req
168. in a defecation lawsuit.Copy !req
169. Argh.Copy !req
170. And I never, ever would've
said those thingsCopy !req
171. about the city council,Copy !req
172. but the Ambien makes me
kind of black out.Copy !req
173. I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
represent pieces of shit.Copy !req
174. Why not?Copy !req
175. Argh.Copy !req
176. And I just thought
maybe we couldCopy !req
177. convince the city council
to hire me back.Copy !req
178. Look, I'm sorry,
but I learned a long time agoCopy !req
179. that if you defend poop,
you get stained.Copy !req
180. Mr. Hankey?Copy !req
181. Oh. Kyle.Copy !req
182. Howwwwdy ho.Copy !req
183. What are
you doing here?Copy !req
184. Just trying
to find some help.Copy !req
185. There isn't a lawyer in town
who will take me.Copy !req
186. Wait a minute — You!Copy !req
187. You're the son
of a lawyer.Copy !req
188. You have lawyer blood
inside your veins!Copy !req
189. You can help me with
my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!Copy !req
190. Me?
What can I do?Copy !req
191. Please, Kyle.Copy !req
192. You're the only person left
who can help me.Copy !req
193. You and me, pal,
we are gonna fight the system!Copy !req
194. Paging Dr. Bender.Copy !req
195. Your vice principal gave birth
to all five babiesCopy !req
196. with no epidural.Copy !req
197. I must say,
she's a very strong woman.Copy !req
198. That she is.Copy !req
199. The quintuplets are all healthy
and resting away.Copy !req
200. There are her babies
right there.Copy !req
201. Oh, dude.
Bro.Copy !req
202. Yes, cute, little buggers,
aren't they?Copy !req
203. Three boys
and two girls.Copy !req
204. I think it's wrong to force
gender specification upon themCopy !req
205. at this young age.Copy !req
206. Funny. That's exactly what
their mother said.Copy !req
207. The quints are all
Caucasian, blue-eyed,Copy !req
208. and something
kind of weird.Copy !req
209. What's that?Copy !req
210. Well, the babies are all
extremely PC,Copy !req
211. the likes of which
I have never seen.Copy !req
212. Watch this.Copy !req
213. Three
black guys walk into a bar —Copy !req
214. It's okay!
It's okay!Copy !req
215. They left!
They left!Copy !req
216. Doctor, would it
be possible for meCopy !req
217. to hold the PC Babies?Copy !req
218. I'm sorry. That's only for
the mother and father.Copy !req
219. Though, according
to the vice principal,Copy !req
220. the father doesn't
even exist.Copy !req
221. You guys!
Hey, guys!Copy !req
222. I think I figured it out.
What?Copy !req
223. How to get Mr. Hankey
another chance.Copy !req
224. There's by-laws
in the city councilCopy !req
225. that community service leadersCopy !req
226. can't be terminated
without a hearing.Copy !req
227. I need you guys there
as character witnesses.Copy !req
228. N-N-Nope.Copy !req
229. Not getting
the stink on me.Copy !req
230. He has a right
to be heard.Copy !req
231. He's meant a lot
to this town.Copy !req
232. Dude, why do you keep
defending him, Kyle?Copy !req
233. Yeah, you know everyone in town
thinks he's a piece of shit.Copy !req
234. Come on, guys.
We can't just turn our backs.Copy !req
235. How many times has Mr. Hankey
been there for us?Copy !req
236. Mmm, once,
kind of?Copy !req
237. Look, he messed up,Copy !req
238. but I don't know
if he deserves everythingCopy !req
239. that's coming down on him.Copy !req
240. I wanna stand
by my friend.Copy !req
241. Mm, let's see how
that goes for you in 2018.Copy !req
242. Vice Principal?Copy !req
243. My babies!
Where are they?Copy !req
244. Shh. It's okay.
The babies are fine.Copy !req
245. Resting in the nursery.Copy !req
246. They're the most...Copy !req
247. They're the most PC babies
I've ever seen.Copy !req
248. You shouldn't be here.Copy !req
249. People will start
getting suspicious!Copy !req
250. Look, I was the one
who abused my positionCopy !req
251. and took advantage
of a subordinate —Copy !req
252. Nobody took advantage of me!
Not took advantage.Copy !req
253. You know what I'm saying.
And I'm a strong woman!Copy !req
254. All I want to do
is help.Copy !req
255. We can say
I'm the manny.Copy !req
256. And if anyone has
a problem with that,Copy !req
257. then they have a problem
with gender biases,Copy !req
258. and they can
take it up with me!Copy !req
259. We can keep the truth about
the babies totally hidden.Copy !req
260. Oh, yes, that curriculum
should be fineCopy !req
261. for the students.Copy !req
262. I'll start working
on an all-school proposal.Copy !req
263. Oh, yes, very good,
Vice Principal.Copy !req
264. See that it is done
by back-to-school night.Copy !req
265. All right, Mommy!Copy !req
266. Your little bundles of joys
are here.Copy !req
267. Oh, and who's this.Copy !req
268. I am the manny.Copy !req
269. Anyone have a problem
with that?Copy !req
270. No, not at all.Copy !req
271. Everything good here?Copy !req
272. Aw! Are these
PC babies?Copy !req
273. And now, live from
the town courthouse,Copy !req
274. It's the Hankey Hearings
on South Park 13.Copy !req
275. Mr. Hankey?Copy !req
276. 14 hours ago,
did you or did you not say,Copy !req
277. "Everyone in South Park
is a goddamn douche bag"?Copy !req
278. Yes.Copy !req
279. That was a bad attempt
at a Christmas joke.Copy !req
280. But there's nothing in
that statement about Christmas.Copy !req
281. That's was I said,
it was a bad attempt.Copy !req
282. What part of the statement
was actually —Copy !req
283. You wanna hear
a good Christmas joke?Copy !req
284. In 2005, you said that —Copy !req
285. You said that you had
no recollection —Copy !req
286. Sorry.
I got the sniffles.Copy !req
287. Mr. Hankey,
do you understandCopy !req
288. how important
these statements areCopy !req
289. to the citizens
of this town?Copy !req
290. All I understand is, it's only
eight weeks until Christmas.Copy !req
291. If we don't stop
wasting our time,Copy !req
292. we're all gonna
miss outCopy !req
293. on the most magical part
of the whole year.Copy !req
294. What did you mean last night
when you tweeted,Copy !req
295. "The Mayor of South Park is
a titless whore"?Copy !req
296. Oh, come on!
It was a joke!Copy !req
297. That's it! That's it.Copy !req
298. I've had enough of this
whole fucking sham!Copy !req
299. Fuck all you
and fuck this whole system!Copy !req
300. It's Christmastime!Copy !req
301. It's okay.Copy !req
302. Shh.Copy !req
303. We just need to get
some diapers.Copy !req
304. Shh.Copy !req
305. Oh, what adorable
little babies!Copy !req
306. Thank you.Copy !req
307. My, they look
very PC!Copy !req
308. Oh no, no.Copy !req
309. They're not very PC,
at all.Copy !req
310. Aww!
Look at the PC babies!Copy !req
311. They actually
aren't PC.Copy !req
312. No?Copy !req
313. Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's
becoming a Republican?Copy !req
314. The Democrats left a bad taste
in her mouth.Copy !req
315. Oh, God. Shhhh!
No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
316. Shhhh!
Is everything
all right?Copy !req
317. Oh, look! More PC babies!
They're everywhere!Copy !req
318. I told you we need to
shop separately!Copy !req
319. Shh! Shh.Copy !req
320. Excuse me, where is
the Oriental food aisle?Copy !req
321. Shhh! Quiet!
There's PC babies!Copy !req
322. Gee-whiz.Copy !req
323. Thanks for comin' out
with me, Kyle.Copy !req
324. These days, it's like
you're my only friend.Copy !req
325. So what's the plan,
huh?Copy !req
326. What you got figured out
to get my job back?Copy !req
327. I had a plan.Copy !req
328. You decided to call the mayor
a titless whore.Copy !req
329. Oh,
it was a joke, Kyle.Copy !req
330. Sometimes,
when I take Ambien,Copy !req
331. I'm really groggy and moody
the next day.Copy !req
332. It's a real side affect.Copy !req
333. it's printed right
on the bottle!Copy !req
334. I don't know
how much longerCopy !req
335. I can defend you.Copy !req
336. People are starting
to think I'm shitty.Copy !req
337. Kyle, don't you understand
this whole thingCopy !req
338. is a smear campaign?Copy !req
339. Why are people focusing on
a few stupid words I saidCopy !req
340. when Christmas is
just around the corner?Copy !req
341. It's like everyone's forgot
about what Christmas means —Copy !req
342. Oh, my God!Copy !req
343. Kyle! That's it!
The holiday spirit!Copy !req
344. It's October!Copy !req
345. And that's the point!
Don't you see?Copy !req
346. What we need to doCopy !req
347. is get everyone
in the Christmas mood!Copy !req
348. We can bring the whole spirit
of the holidays early!Copy !req
349. Okay, you do that.Copy !req
350. No, no, no.
Kyle, you gotta help me!Copy !req
351. I can't do this alone.Copy !req
352. I have homework
and stuff!Copy !req
353. You're all I have!Copy !req
354. Even my wife
left with the nuggetsCopy !req
355. 'cause of
all the pressure!Copy !req
356. Please!Copy !req
357. Okay, fine!Copy !req
358. I'll help you.Copy !req
359. But listen to me,Copy !req
360. I don't care how restless
you get tonight.Copy !req
361. No Ambien.Copy !req
362. Well, maybe just a "liddol"
if I really can't sleep.Copy !req
363. No! None!Copy !req
364. If you want my help
this time,Copy !req
365. you aren't taking
any Ambien tonight.Copy !req
366. That's the deal!Copy !req
367. Yay! It's a deal!Copy !req
368. Oh, boy!
Kyle, I'm so excited!Copy !req
369. We're gonna bring
the spirit of ChristmasCopy !req
370. to South Park!Copy !req
371. Aww, look at
the little PC babies!Copy !req
372. Uh, no.
We're from Missouri.Copy !req
373. I know a PC baby
when I see one!Copy !req
374. Who loves social justice?Copy !req
375. Who's the future?
Who's the big bad future?Copy !req
376. Yes, they are.Copy !req
377. Aww, PC babies!Copy !req
378. All right.
Please, move along folks.Copy !req
379. We don't want the babies
to get excited.Copy !req
380. Mr.
Hello, South Park!Copy !req
381. Come on, everybody!
Get over here!Copy !req
382. Who wants to see a miracle?Copy !req
383. Howwwwdy ho, everyone!Copy !req
384. Guess what time it is?Copy !req
385. It's Christmastime!Copy !req
386. Ohhhhh.Copy !req
387. That's right, everybody!
Who loves the holidays?Copy !req
388. Just like when Christ was born,Copy !req
389. let's all be with
our mothers and fathers —Copy !req
390. Let's not forget
that boys and girlsCopy !req
391. all over the world are —Copy !req
392. Hey! Hey, careful!
You're upsetting the PC babies!Copy !req
393. The PC what? Listen!Copy !req
394. Christmas season means
peace on earthCopy !req
395. and good will towards men.Copy !req
396. Uh, uh, look, what is
the holiday season about?Copy !req
397. It's about loving each other,
right?Copy !req
398. Loving and —
What?Copy !req
399. What are they
crying about now?Copy !req
400. Sometimes, PC BabiesCopy !req
401. don't even know
what they're crying about.Copy !req
402. Well, then tell the babies
to shut the fuck up!Copy !req
403. Who the fuck
brings a goddamn babyCopy !req
404. to a Christmas show anyway?Copy !req
405. Mr. Hankey, stop!Copy !req
406. Lemme go, Kyle!
These people are idiots!Copy !req
407. Mommy,
something stinks.Copy !req
408. Yeah, like shit.Copy !req
409. You stand up for
all pieces of crap?Copy !req
410. Asshole!Copy !req
411. Uh-huh.Copy !req
412. 2018.Copy !req
413. Kyle, listen.Copy !req
414. It was 3:00 a.m. last night,Copy !req
415. and I still hadn't slept,
so I d—Copy !req
416. Kyle!Copy !req
417. Kyle, please!Copy !req
418. They're gonna run me
out of town, Kyle.Copy !req
419. They're going
to erase meCopy !req
420. and everything
I ever did.Copy !req
421. You want them
to erase me, too?Copy !req
422. Kyle... we can all be
shitty sometimes.Copy !req
423. Uh...Copy !req
424. They're so strong...Copy !req
425. like their mother.Copy !req
426. They're so PC,
like...Copy !req
427. whoever their father is.Copy !req
428. We'll never
keep them quiet.Copy !req
429. Our only hope is
to keep them hidden.Copy !req
430. Can they ever know
that I'm their dad?Copy !req
431. We did the most un-PC thing
imaginable.Copy !req
432. Think about what
that would do to them.Copy !req
433. We can never let them know
the debaucherous,Copy !req
434. sickening circumstances that
brought them into this world.Copy !req
435. Then, I'll just try to be
the best principal to themCopy !req
436. that I possibly can.Copy !req
437. And I'll be their strongest
vice principal,Copy !req
438. and hopefully...
the world will calm downCopy !req
439. and not do anything
to upset them.Copy !req
440. Today...Copy !req
441. South Park says goodbye
to Mr. Hankey.Copy !req
442. The longtime union of this town
and the holiday figureCopy !req
443. is over for good.Copy !req
444. We should all feel pretty great
about ourselves,Copy !req
445. give ourselves a little,
nice pat on the back,Copy !req
446. as we, as a society, continueCopy !req
447. to try and sweep away
all the poop.Copy !req
448. Well, everyone...
I guess this is goodbye.Copy !req
449. It sure has been swell-Copy !req
450. No good-byes, Hankey.
You just need to go.Copy !req
451. We've already called you
a "Poober."Copy !req
452. A Poober —
They have that?Copy !req
453. Oh, you mean Lyft.Copy !req
454. Well, okay.
Goodbye, everyone.Copy !req
455. I hope I brought
a few smiles and a few laughsCopy !req
456. into your hearts.Copy !req
457. Goodbye,
Mr. Hankey.Copy !req
458. Where will he go?Copy !req
459. He'll have
to find a placeCopy !req
460. that accepts racist,
awful beings like him.Copy !req
461. There are still
places out thereCopy !req
462. who don't care about
bigotry and hate.Copy !req
463. Howwwwwdy ho!Copy !req
464. Cool, man.
Talking crap.Copy !req
465. Welcome, my friend.Copy !req
466. Please,
rest your wary feetCopy !req
467. and make yourself
at home here!Copy !req
468. Hooray!Copy !req
469. Everyone's really mad at you.Copy !req
470. Were you on Twitter
last night?Copy !req
471. Yeeeahhhh.Copy !req
472. Did you tweet,
"The kids of South ParkCopy !req
473. are retarded homos
who can't play music"?Copy !req
474. Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.Copy !req
475. Why would you tweet that?Copy !req