South Park 1x9

Directed by Matt Stone • Trey Parker

South Park Elementary is on stage rehearsing for the schools play. Kyle begins to sing a song about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Of course, no one has any idea what the heck he's singing about. Kyle explains that Mr. Hankey comes every year to all the good boys and girls who have a lot of fiber in their diet. Everyone thinks he's insane and he gets sent to a mental institute.

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1. Lights, please.

2. And there were, in the same country,

3. shepherds abiding in the field,

4. keeping watch over their flock by night.

5. And lo the angel of the lord came upon them,

6. and they were so afraid.

7. And the angel said unto them, "Fear not,

8. "for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy.

9. "For born unto you this day in the City of David,

10. "is the savior, Jesus Christ, our lord.

11. "Glory to god in the highest and on earth peace,

12. and good will towards man."

13. And now, South Park Elementary presents,

14. the birth of Jesus.

15. Come on Mary, push!

16. I can see its head!

17. It's a boy.

18. Oh.

19. Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait!

20. Kyle, what the hell was that?

21. You need to hold the baby by the legs,

22. not by the head.

23. What kind of sick weirdo are you?

24. Sorry. - And Wendy,

25. I'm still not believing the labor pains.

26. Okay. - Mr. Garrison,

27. what the hell do you think you're doing?

28. Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play.

29. But your son was holding baby Jesus' fetus by the head.

30. How dare you include the nativity

31. in a school play!

32. Don't you realize my son is Jewish?

33. So?

34. So what makes you think he should play Joseph?

35. Because it's Christmas.

36. Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.

37. You're not gonna lay that Chanukah crap on me, are you?

38. What, what, what?

39. You're not going to get away with this Mr. Garrison!

40. Good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!

41. Shut up fat boy!

42. I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

43. Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?

44. Kyle is there anything you can do for the Christmas play

45. that isn't related to Jesus?

46. How about the dreidel song, bubby?

47. I can sing "The Mr. Hankey Song."

48. The Mr. Hankey Song, how does that go?

49. Christmas Poo?

50. What the hell is Christmas Poo?

51. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.

52. Haven't you guys ever heard of him?

53. Kyle, that is enough!

54. See, that's what you get when you raise your child

55. to be a pagan! - Now, that does it!

56. I am going straight to the mayor about you!

57. Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry.

58. Was it the pagan remark?

59. You guys, look.

60. It's snowing.

61. Whoa! Christmas snow.

62. Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.

63. It's fun.

64. Oh, sick, dude.

65. Hey! What the hell are you doing?

66. Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.

67. We can too.

68. No, I think it's against the law, dude.

69. Officer Barbrady? - What?

70. Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?

71. Yes. - Damn it!

72. Hey, come on, guys.

73. We have to go tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.

74. Yeah, we'll see you later, Kyle.

75. Guess there's no reason for you to come

76. since you don't get Christmas presents.

77. No, but I get Chanukah presents for eight days.

78. Too bad it's usually a dreidel

79. or something lame like that.

80. We'll catch up with you later Kyle.

81. Wait, I may not have Santa,

82. but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.

83. What is it this about Christmas Poo, dude?

84. Mr. Hankey, he comes out of the toilet every year,

85. and gives presents to everybody

86. who has a lot of fiber in their diet.

87. Kyle come on, seriously,

88. you are really reaching right now.

89. Well, you're gonna be sorry when you see me

90. riding around on Santa's sleigh

91. with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!

92. You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh

93. because you're a Jew, Kyle.

94. See ya' dude.

95. Okay everybody, settle down.

96. Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene

97. in front of the capital office.

98. Church and state are separate!

99. No! - No!

100. What's going on you guys?

101. The whole town's pissed off at each other.

102. It's really sweet. - That isn't all, mayor,

103. the school play is doing a nativity scene.

104. It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.

105. You are the Jewish community.

106. Yeah! - Yeah!

107. Oh boy, super bitch is at it again.

108. Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

109. Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is all about.

110. If you remove Christ,

111. you must remove Santa and Frosty

112. and all that garbage too!

113. Hallelujah!

114. And we must put a stop to

115. the cutting down of Christmas trees!

116. Gimme a break!

117. And I'm sick and tired of those

118. little flaps on coffee lids!

119. If you don't want to spill your coffee,

120. then you shouldn't be drivin' with it!

121. Yeah! Yeah! - Okay people,

122. clearly we need to reach a compromise.

123. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.

124. Brilliant idea, mayor.

125. Hey, how about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?

126. Excuse me?

127. Oh boy, here we go again.

128. He comes out of the toilet every year

129. and gives presents to everybody

130. who has a lot of fiber in their diet.

131. Kyle, shh!

132. It's true, he doesn't care what faith you are.

133. He's a very disturbed little boy.

134. Okay Kyle, we're leaving right now.

135. Wait! - Anyway, I'll put together

136. a crack team of my best workers

137. to make sure this will be

138. the most non-offensive Christmas ever,

139. to any religious or minority group of any kind.

140. Are there any other suggestions?

141. Yes, Mr. Garrison.

142. Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?

143. No, Mr. Garrison,

144. we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.

145. Rats!

146. It is sick and disgusting.

147. And we simply will not have it.

148. Your father's right Kyle.

149. Sheila, let me handle this.

150. Having imaginary friends is fine Kyle,

151. but this simply will not do.

152. Listen to your father, Kyle.

153. Now I want you to repeat after me—

154. there is no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

155. But Dad, he always... - Say it!

156. There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

157. Again.

158. There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

159. This is for your own good, bubby.

160. Now you go brush your teeth and march into bed.

161. You won't be opening your Chanukah present tonight.

162. Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.

163. What did you say?

164. I said Ike's on fire!

165. Uh-oh.

166. Oh, my god!

167. It isn't fair.

168. I don't wanna be an outcast!

169. I'm not hearing that.

170. Hello?

171. Mr. Hankey?

172. Howdy-ho!

173. Howdy-ho Kyle,

174. gosh you're looking swell!

175. Go away Mr. Hankey.

176. You know something pal?

177. You smell an awful lot like flowers.

178. I said go away, my dad says you're not real.

179. Not real?

180. Well shucks, if I weren't real,

181. could I sing this jolly Christmas song?

182. Mr. Hankey shh, I'll get in trouble!

183. Kyle, what are you doing in there?

184. Nothing. - Open the door!

185. Mr. Hankey, cut it out!

186. Huh?

187. Kyle!

188. Say something, Mr. Hankey!

189. Now you get to sleep

190. and think about how your poor mother

191. has to clean that bathroom up!

192. What, what, what? Me?

193. Howdy-ho!

194. Mr. Hankey, where the hell did you go?

195. You should be wearing socks to sleep Kyle.

196. You're gonna catch a cold.

197. Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.

198. Gee, that's too bad.

199. Hey, how about you come to school with me tomorrow?

200. So I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.

201. Say, that sounds like a swell idea.

202. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.

203. Yeah, we'll show them.

204. Okay people, we got to turn this place around.

205. Take down anything that is offensive

206. to any specific group.

207. Is mistletoe offensive?

208. Is anyone offended by mistletoe?

209. Lose the mistletoe!

210. You guys, I'm getting that John Elway

211. football helmet for Christmas.

212. How do you know?

213. 'Cause I looked in my parent's closet last night.

214. Yeah well, I sneaked around my mom's closet too

215. and saw what I'm getting.

216. The Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.

217. What's that? - I don't know

218. but it sounds pretty sweet.

219. Hello everybody.

220. What's in the box dude?

221. It's a surprise. - Let me see.

222. Okay, but don't scare him.

223. Dude, sick!

224. Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?

225. Wait you guys, he's alive!

226. Kyle, I think you better get home

227. and get some sleep.

228. Come on, dance! Dance!

229. Dance damn you!

230. This is very simple-

231. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure

232. how offended you are by them.

233. In this way we can find out which words

234. are least offensive for use in the holiday season.

235. Are we ready?

236. Here we go.

237. Christ.

238. Hmm, okay.

239. Chair.

240. Camel.

241. Sand.

242. Stupid wop-dago!

243. Bench.

244. Do you have to take the Christmas tree too?

245. Mayor's orders.

246. Okay children, I'm really having

247. a hard time with our Christmas play.

248. The new law states we can't sing any songs

249. having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.

250. Thanks to Kyle's mother. - Shut up Cartman!

251. So does anybody know any non-Santa

252. or non-Jesus Christmas songs?

253. Yes, Eric. - How about we sing

254. "Kyle's mom is a stupid bitch," in D-minor?

255. I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

256. Shut up Cartman!

257. Howdy-ho! - Mr. Hankey?

258. Golly, that isn't very nice.

259. I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.

260. Mr. Hankey, no!

261. What the?

262. Gross, Kyle!

263. Oh my lord Kyle,

264. did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?

265. Uh...

266. You sick bastard!

267. Now Kyle, as your school counselor,

268. I want to try to help you confront your problem.

269. I don't have a problem.

270. Well it's my understanding that you,

271. you have an acute case of fecalphilia.

272. What's that?

273. Well, a fecalphiliac is somebody

274. who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.

275. Mookie-stinks?

276. I also understand you're Jewish; is that right Kyle?

277. Not on purpose.

278. So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you,

279. being Christmas and all.

280. Do the other kids make fun of you?

281. Sometimes.

282. That must make you mad. - Sure.

283. Mad enough to kill, Kyle?

284. No dude! - Well, that's good.

285. You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider,

286. we create friends, okay, in our minds, okay?

287. But Mr. Hankey seems so real.

288. Well, of course he does,

289. in your screwed up little head,

290. he's the only friend you have.

291. Kyle! Howdy-ho!

292. Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad.

293. I mean you're one screwed up little kid.

294. Do you understand?

295. So try and stay positive,

296. stay away from drugs and alcohol.

297. And in the meantime,

298. I'm gonna put on a heavy regimen of Prozac...

299. Oh, oh my God, you sick little monkey!

300. Okay children,

301. we just received word from the mayor

302. that the Christmas play

303. can't include any Christmas lights,

304. since they offend people with epilepsy.

305. So Kenny, would you please go over

306. and pull the light cords out of the wall?

307. Careful now Kenny,

308. those are very, very dangerous.

309. Okay, now let's practice our...

310. No, get away from me!

311. Here, just look more closely at it.

312. No, go away!

313. Stan, you need to do something about your friend.

314. Okay?

315. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody!

316. Okay?

317. Hello, we need to commit our friend Kyle, please.

318. Reason?

319. I'm a clinically depressed fecalphiliac on Prozac.

320. Any allergies? - No.

321. Jacket!

322. Bye Kyle, happy Chanukah.

323. Okay children,

324. does everyone have their leotards on?

325. Good, it looks like they've taken the Christmas trees down.

326. Yes, and there's nothing Christian either.

327. This should be great.

328. Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play.

329. I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.

330. Second verse, same as the first!

331. Welcome to the South Park elementary holiday...

332. Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage.

333. That's very offensive to non-Christians.

334. Oh come on.

335. Hey, don't push your beliefs on me, buddy!

336. I agree. - Oh brother!

337. Kenny would you please climb that ladder

338. and take down the star above the stage.

339. And be careful not to fall

340. in that little pool below you Kenny.

341. The shark for the third act is in there.

342. Hmm?

343. Ladies and gentlemen,

344. welcome to the South Park Elementary holiday experience.

345. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play,

346. here's a non-offensive, non-denominational

347. holiday song by the school chef.

348. I wish Kyle was here.

349. It just doesn't seem right without him.

350. Yeah, old Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while,

351. so get used to it.

352. Okay kids, get ready to take your places.

353. Thank you, Chef.

354. And now South Park Elementary presents

355. the happy, non-offensive non-denominational

356. Christmas play.

357. With music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer,

358. Phillip Glass.

359. As I turn and look into the sun,

360. the rays burn my eyes.

361. How like a turtle, the sun looks.

362. What the hell is this?

363. This is horrible.

364. This is the most god-awful piece of crap I've ever seen.

365. Hey, you're the ones who made it this way.

366. Because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.

367. It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus.

368. All you bastards ruined Christmas!

369. Get 'em in the ribs!

370. Get 'em!

371. This sucks dude.

372. This is like the worst Christmas I've ever seen.

373. Yeah.

374. Say where's Kyle?

375. We committed him. - What? Why?

376. 'Cause he kept seeing this little brown piece

377. of Christmas Poo everywhere that he went.

378. Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey?

379. Huh? Uh-oh!

380. Say kids, why the long faces?

381. We're bored. - There's nothing to do.

382. Well maybe this will help.

383. Yay, Mr. Hankey construction set!

384. That's right kids,

385. now you can make your very own Mr. Hankey!

386. Just use the special fecal fishing net,

387. and select your best Mr. Hankey.

388. That one!

389. Then use the hand-crafted Hankey stern to add

390. whatever eyes, mouth, and hats you want.

391. Howdy-ho!

392. I made a mariachi Mr. Hankey.

393. Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.

394. Let's put the fez hat on him.

395. I wish Daddy was still alive.

396. Mr. Hankey play set comes with everything seen.

397. Hey, where's Mr. Hankey?

398. I love you sweetheart.

399. I love you too.

400. This is horrible, everybody is fighting

401. and my best friend is in an institution.

402. All because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey.

403. Well, you can believe in him now.

404. I believe.

405. I believe in Mr. Hankey.

406. Howdy-ho.

407. Huh? - Howdy folks.

408. Gosh, you sure do smell nice and flowery.

409. Whoa! - Howdy-ho Chef.

410. Howdy-ho Mr. Hankey.

411. Okay, that does it.

412. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

413. Talking poo is where I draw the line.

414. What's all the ruckus?

415. I'm glad you're here Mr. Hankey.

416. The whole town is about to kill each other.

417. I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey.

418. Stop fighting.

419. Oh my god, what the hell is that thing?

420. Come on gang, don't fight.

421. You people focus so hard

422. on the things wrong with Christmas,

423. that you've forgotten what's so right about it.

424. Don't you see?

425. This is the one time of year

426. we're supposed to forget all the bad stuff.

427. Stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world,

428. and for just one day say "Ah, the heck with it."

429. Let's sing and dance and bake cookies.

430. Dude, this is pretty up.

431. Howdy-ho, Kyle!

432. Oh no... I'm not sane yet.

433. I brought some friends with me.

434. Friends?

435. Merry Christmas, Kyle Broslovski!

436. You mean you can see him?

437. I'm not crazy?

438. Well, I got a long night ahead of me.

439. Bye-bye, and Merry Christmas.

440. Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

441. Bring me lots of presents!

442. I always believed in you.

443. Howdy-ho, ho, ho!

444. You know, I learned something today.

445. I learned that Jewish people are okay.

446. And that Chanukah can be cool too.

447. Yeah.

448. You know it seems like something's still not right.

449. Yeah something feels unfinished.

450. Well, what could it be?

451. Woo-hoo hoo!