South Park 1x8

Directed by Trey Parker

The four boys are at Cartman's house watching the "Terrance & Philip Thanksgiving Special" on television. During a break from the show, a Sally Struthers commercial convinces the boys that the prospect of a free "Taiko" sport watch with a five-dollar donation is irresistible. Typical greedy American youth. So Stan dials in, using his mother's credit card number and makes their donation.

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1. That was awesome! - Yeah!

2. Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?

3. Get out of the way, mom!

4. The "Terrance and Phillip" Thanksgiving Special is on.

5. Sure, hon.

6. And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!

7. Hey, Terrance, looks like this might

8. be a good place to start a new colony.

9. It sure does, Phillip.

10. No one will oppress our religion here.

11. You stained my pilgrim hat, butt-pipe!

12. Did you guys see that? That was sweet.

13. Coming up next on the "Terrance and Phillip"

14. Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance and laughs.

15. Oh, cool.

16. And now a word from our sponsor.

17. Here in the heart of Africa, children are dying.

18. Not from disease or war, but from hunger.

19. I'm Sally Struthers.

20. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.

21. Hey, who's that fat chick?

22. Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on "Full House."

23. Oh.

24. You see, here, in the middle of Africa,

25. food is extremely scarce.

26. Doesn't look like she's having

27. any trouble finding food.

28. Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.

29. Yeah. Hey!

30. For just $5 a month, you can sponsor a child.

31. That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?

32. Sponsor now, and we'll also

33. send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.

34. Kick ass!

35. Sweet! - Whoo-hoo!

36. I'll call—I know my mom's credit card number.

37. Did they say if it's waterproof?

38. Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?

39. Oh. - What did she say?

40. Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.

41. Ass-rammer. - Yeah? Yeah.

42. We want to adopt a starving Ether-nopian.

43. When do we get the sports watch?

44. Just a second fat-ass! - You vas-deferens!

45. Hello? No, no, it's a ma—

46. Vas-deferens?

47. Oh.

48. Ask her if we get the watch right away.

49. Do we get the sports watch right away?

50. - She says we do. - Cool.

51. I get to wear it first, you guys.

52. I can't wait to get out of school

53. and get our Teiko sports watch.

54. Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.

55. Children, children! To honor this special time

56. of year, we'll be doing a canned food drive.

57. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?

58. Yes, Eric?

59. When they cut up a chick's stomach

60. to get a baby out?

61. No, that's a Caesarian Section, Eric, but that's okay,

62. remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

63. A canned food drive is when we collect canned food

64. for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.

65. You mean, like Kenny? - Exactly.

66. Mr. Garrison?

67. Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?

68. I don't know, Eric, they just do.

69. Now, children, I want each of you to bring

70. in one can of food.

71. And later, the mayor of South Park will

72. divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.

73. I'm not bringing in food for poor people, screw them!

74. Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?

75. Hey you guys, do you hear something?

76. I—I think I hear the flower children calling!

77. This is the one time of year

78. you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!

79. Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?

80. What about the poor houses that I pay for?

81. Many would rather die than go to those places!

82. Well then, perhaps they should,

83. and decrease the surplus population!

84. Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens for one day.

85. Let's get on with our lesson, right, Mr. Hat?

86. That's right, Mr. Garrison,

87. Englebert Humperdink was the first person

88. on the moon. Who was the second?

89. Aaaah!

90. What the hell is going on? - Aaaah!

91. Well, you don't see that every day.

92. Okay, now, once we have all the canned foods collected,

93. we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.

94. It should be something festive.

95. Mayor, we've got a very big problem.

96. Ah, you're that insane genetic engineer

97. from up on the hill, right?

98. Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake.

99. I was trying to genetically engineer

100. turkeys for Thanksgiving.

101. Uh-huh.

102. You know, to provide food for the needy.

103. Of course.

104. Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free.

105. And the worst part is, they're really pissed off.

106. Naturally. Oh, do go on.

107. We have to stop them or—or they could destroy everything.

108. Time is short.

109. You were saying?

110. They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.

111. Oh, my!

112. Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.

113. Now why would you say that?

114. Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?

115. I get to use it first, you guys!

116. Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?

117. Not yet, hon.

118. Damn. - Hey, look, you guys.

119. And now, back to Part 2 of the "Terrance and Phillip"

120. Thanksgiving Special.

121. I sure am cold, Phillip.

122. Yes, and hungry too.

123. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.

124. Gosh, I hope we don't starve.

125. Ah, a squeaker!

126. The digital sports watch is here!

127. What the hell?

128. Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.

129. Hey, it looks like one of those Ether-opians.

130. Oh, man, they must have accidentally sent him

131. instead of the sports watch.

132. Maybe they took it literally when we said

133. we wanted to adopt a kid.

134. Whoa! That was cool.

135. Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?

136. What's your name dude? - Mabin.

137. I think he said his name is Marvin.

138. Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.

139. Nice to meet you, Starvin' Marvin.

140. Hey, mom? - Yes, hon?

141. We found a Ether-opian, can we keep him?

142. Sure, hon. - Sweet.

143. Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.

144. Come on, Starvin' Marvin,

145. I want you to meet my little brother.

146. No, no! He's my son! I adopted him.

147. It was my mom's credit card.

148. Okay, okay, we'll switch off.

149. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week,

150. then at Stan's, then with me.

151. Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.

152. Totally. - Ahh!

153. Look how the leaves fall so delicately

154. on the surface of the pond.

155. It's so beautiful.

156. Not as beautiful as you.

157. Oh, darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.

158. Oh, they're so beautiful. - Not as beautiful as you.

159. Look at the way they foam at the mouth,

160. like beautiful suds of beer. - Not as beautiful as-

161. This is a great way for you

162. to experience America, Starvin' Marvin.

163. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.

164. Yeah, here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99.

165. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights,

166. except for Kenny's family, 'cause to them,

167. $6.99 is two years' income.

168. Why is your family poor, Starvin' Marvin?

169. Is your dad an alcoholic too?

170. You see, Starvin' Marvin,

171. these are what we call appetizers.

172. Ap-ee-tizer.

173. This is what you eat before you eat,

174. to make you more hungry.

175. Well, food is here, that's it for the appetizers.

176. No, Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.

177. Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're

178. supposed to share. - Oh yeah, you're right.

179. Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler?

180. No, you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me?

181. Just shove it on over here.

182. Let me just have some of that, huh?

183. Children, children!

184. I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit.

185. Only a few cans have been

186. donated to our canned food drive.

187. And can't we do a little better than

188. creamed corn...

189. creamed corn... and... creamed corn?

190. Please bring in more diverse food, children, or else

191. Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.

192. Corny. Gravy.

193. Corny Thanksgiving, hoo!

194. Anyway, children, I understand a few of you have

195. brought in something special for show-and-tell.

196. Yeah, yeah, we do!

197. All right, boys, show us what you've brought.

198. This is our new Ether-nopian, Starvin' Marvin.

199. He can do really cool stuff with his voice.

200. Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin.

201. No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.

202. No, Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!

203. Boys, what the hell are you doing?

204. This is horribly, horribly wrong.

205. How did you get this child?

206. He was accidentally delivered to us

207. instead of a sports watch.

208. The sports watch from the commercial?

209. Yeah, that one. - I want a Starvin' Marvin.

210. Me too. - Yes, I'll pay $50 for one.

211. Boys, you're too young to take care of a child.

212. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call

213. the Red Cross and have him returned.

214. Ah, I told you we shouldn't have

215. brought him to school dude.

216. Okay, thank you very much.

217. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.

218. Now, boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.

219. No.

220. You can't care for this child!

221. But I thought we were supposed

222. to care on Thanksgiving.

223. Yes, but you don't actually get

224. involved with the child's lives.

225. You're supposed to just send money,

226. and once in a while they write you a letter.

227. You see, Marvin didn't grow up

228. in a normal place like South Park.

229. So why can't he live here now?

230. Because he can't! - Because why?

231. Because eight year olds can't be parents!

232. Then you take care of him.

233. I can't. I—Umm, I'm very busy.

234. I send my $5 a month, see?

235. This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.

236. Oh well, back to the poor country with you.

237. You better watch what you say, Cartman!

238. You might be poor and hungry some day.

239. Yeah, right.

240. I knew that you were the only person

241. who would listen to me, Chef.

242. Yeah, well, let's get it over with.

243. This place gives me the Bubujeebies.

244. Look here in my microscope. Tell me what you see.

245. Uhh, I see an extreme close-up

246. of Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

247. Oh, whoops.

248. Now tell me what you see.

249. Well, I'm no biologist,

250. but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.

251. Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.

252. What does it mean?

253. Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate.

254. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town.

255. Maybe the world. - Oh, fudge!

256. Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.

257. Sure.

258. Hello there, little boy, we're looking for a starving

259. African child who was accidentally sent here instead

260. of a Teiko sports watch.

261. Hey, hey, what's going on?

262. Hey, let go of me! Hey!

263. Hey! I'll kick you in the nuts. Okay, man?

264. Here's your sports watch, son, sorry for the mix-up.

265. Hey! Hey, seriously!

266. Hey, you're pissing me off!

267. Sweet.

268. So how does this thing work?

269. Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab,

270. but instead of money, the cans of food

271. are blown around inside the capsule.

272. The pov inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.

273. Pov? - Poverty stricken citizen.

274. Oh-ho-ho, brilliant.

275. What the hell is this?

276. I don't know, mayor,

277. I don't think it's listed on the program.

278. They're increasing in number, mayor.

279. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.

280. It's true mayor!

281. Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!

282. Whoa!

283. You won't get away with this, you bastards!

284. Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!

285. Okay, people, don't panic! Bring out the defense squad!

286. We need more than that!

287. They'll only come back in increased numbers!

288. Hey, Phillip, could you pass the beans?

289. Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be

290. at war with these Indians soon.

291. Wait, wait, wait.

292. Here it comes.

293. Aaaaah, I crapped in my pants!

294. Aaaah!

295. I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.

296. I spattered his face!

297. Now he's a smelly Indian!

298. We'll be back to part 14 of the "Terrance and Phillip"

299. Thanksgiving Special, right after this.

300. Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight.

301. These children desperately need your support.

302. Hey, somebody get me out of here!

303. This sucks! So please,

304. call and adopt a child today.

305. I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!

306. You want some more Cheesy Poofs, hon?

307. Ya, I won da Cheesy Poof.

308. Okay. - Sweet.

309. This is serious bull!

310. There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.

311. Excuse me, I am a lost little boy—Could you help me?

312. Well, screw you too!

313. What the—Who the hell let all these flies in here?

314. Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?

315. All right, everyone, it's time to give out

316. canned food to the poor.

317. Hey, where's Cartman?

318. I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin?

319. Looks like we have the turkey problem under control.

320. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving

321. with the canned food grab.

322. Come on, hurry up.

323. Grab a lot son.

324. Happy happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!

325. Come on, grab those cans, little boy!

326. - Come on, Kenny! - Come on, son!

327. Now, let's see all the goodies you're going

328. to take home to your family.

329. It looks like he got a— a can of string beans!

330. What the—

331. Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!

332. Okay people, move along,

333. nothing to see here, you looky-loos.

334. I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.

335. Gather around everybody, and listen good.

336. Go to your homes and arm your—

337. What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?

338. That's not important right now.

339. No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be?

340. It doesn't look like anything.

341. Chef, the turkeys! - Oh, All right.

342. Listen up everybody, and listen good.

343. Go to your homes

344. and arm yourselves with whatever you can.

345. We'll meet back here in 15 minutes. Hurry!

346. We are not going to let our Thanksgiving

347. be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.

348. You guys, seriously, I'm hungry.

349. I have to eat.

350. Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!

351. I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.

352. Sorry, kid, but we're out of food.

353. We ran out of funding.

354. What? - We just didn't get

355. enough sponsors back home,

356. so now we've got to pack it up.

357. But I'm not a starving Ethiopian!

358. I have to get back home too!

359. Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds.

360. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.

361. Weak!

362. People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.

363. There's too many of them.

364. Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?

365. We can't stop them.

366. Today, you fight for your city!

367. You fight for your honor!

368. These turkeys will continue to push until they

369. have taken everything from us!

370. These fudged-up turkeys from the the crustaceous era

371. can take our lives,

372. but they can never take our freedom!

373. Whoo! Yeah! Whoo!

374. Here you go, turkeys!

375. Does my hair look okay?

376. Can't go on...

377. need... appetizer...

378. I'm sorry, God! I'm sorry I mocked poor people.

379. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive.

380. Please, please, God.

381. My god has forsaken me.

382. Huh, I wonder what's in here?

383. Snacky Cakes! Mmmm!

384. Sally Struthers? - Who the hell are you?

385. Give me that cake! - No, this is my cake!

386. No, Sally Struthers, you give me that cake!

387. No! You can't have any!

388. No, Sally Struthers, that's my cake!

389. You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!

390. Uh-oh.

391. Ahhh!

392. Stay close, children.

393. Oh, my God, they've killed Kenny!

394. You bastards!

395. The last three are getting away, shoot 'em, Ned!

396. We did it! - My God, what have we done?

397. We've saved Thanksgiving.

398. But all those poor turkeys, they're—they're all dead.

399. Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.

400. As horrible as they were,

401. they—they felt like a part of me.

402. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations,

403. perhaps I should just— - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

404. Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little

405. starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered

406. to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.

407. Have you seen anyone fitting this description.

408. Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town, mister.

409. There you are. Are you ready to go home now?

410. Wow, it sucks he has to leave.

411. Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.

412. You know, I think I've learned something today.

413. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.

414. But they are.

415. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials,

416. but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.

417. Yeah.

418. And that means that MacGyver is a real person too.

419. We're terribly sorry about the mix-up, little boy.

420. We'll get you back home immediately.

421. That's right you will, God damn it.

422. Move it povs, I'm an American!

423. Lord, on this day of thanks,

424. we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this

425. incredible bounty of green beans

426. you have bestowed upon us.

427. And though for some reason you found it necessary

428. to take our son from us, and though you for some reason

429. find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks.

430. Amen. - Amen.

431. Does anybody have a can opener?

432. God Damn-it.