South Park 1x7

Directed by Matt Stone • Trey Parker

The first Halloween episode starts off with the failure of the Mir Space Station, which crashes right on Kenny. An ambulance comes and takes his body off to the morgue. The boys start to brag about their Halloween costumes. At the morgue, a freak accident involving a bottle of Worcestershire sauce occurs, and next thing you know Kenny is a member of the undead. Kenny breaks free and wanders off into the night.

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1. Graah! - Aieee!

2. Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!

3. You bastards!

4. What the hell is that thing?

5. It looks like a UFO.

6. There's no such thing as UFOs.

7. Let's get him to the morgue.

8. Hey, wait till you guys see my Halloween

9. costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.

10. Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.

11. Hey, man, we ought to get home

12. and get our Costumes ready.

13. You know, I think death is least funny

14. when it happens to a child.

15. Oh, man, I know what you mean.

16. Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

17. I don't know, it just makes everything taste so...

18. English.

19. Well, let's let him drain.

20. So then the necrophiliac says,

21. "If this ain't a cadaver, then I..."

22. Hey! - Argh!

23. God damn, that little turd bit me!

24. Me too!

25. You look like a pansy.

26. Shut up, Kyle!

27. What—what are you supposed to be?

28. I'm Raggedy Andy.

29. Why the hell did you dress up

30. like Raggedy Andy, dude?

31. Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne.

32. And she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.

33. No way, dude.

34. I'm gonna win the costume contest

35. with this sweet Chewbacca costume!

36. Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.

37. Wow, cool!

38. Hey, dudes.

39. Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

40. It's Adolph Hitler costume.

41. Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

42. Where'd you get that?

43. My mom made it. Isn't it cool?

44. No, it's not cool!

45. What are you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?

46. No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass!

47. Oh. Wow.

48. You look pretty cool.

49. Sissy.

50. I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

51. Oh, look out! Holly Hobby's all pissed off.

52. Hey, look. Kenny's not dead.

53. You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.

54. Yeah, what's the matter?

55. Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?

56. Yeah, why is your family so poor, Kenny?

57. Kenny's family is so poor

58. that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up

59. for a second mortgage.

60. I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up

61. for a second mortgage, Kenny!

62. I'm talking to you, Kenny! Achtung!

63. Poor piece of crap.

64. Come on, we're running late!

65. Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank.

66. What did you say?

67. I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank.

68. Oh. Neither can I.

69. Very interesting. - Wh-what is it, doc?

70. Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees,

71. you have no pulse, no heartbeat,

72. and your—your eyes are all puffy and sticky.

73. Oh, no. You mean...

74. Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.

75. I'd give you topical medicine,

76. but I don't want to touch you.

77. Oh, I'm so hungry and all I can think about eating is...

78. is brains!

79. Yeah, well, for God's sake don't touch your eyes.

80. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.

81. Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume.

82. They're gonna be so jealous.

83. Whoa, dude. - Everyone came as Chewbacca?

84. It sure does seem to be a popular costume

85. this year, Kyle.

86. Rar.

87. Damn it!

88. Wendy? - Hi, Stan.

89. You said we were going to be Raggedy Anne and Andy.

90. Remember? - Yeah.

91. We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.

92. I know, but then

93. I guess I just realized

94. how stupid we would look. - You what?

95. I thought you would reach the same conclusion,

96. so I came as Chewbacca.

97. Hey Stan,

98. you look almost pretty enough to kiss.

99. Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend?

100. Hey, you see? All of a sudden my costume

101. is pretty badass, huh?

102. Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass.

103. You're just jealous.

104. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

105. Wookies don't live on Endor!

106. Mimi ma mi mo momo!

107. Well at least my mom's not on the cover

108. of Crack Whore Magazine!

109. What? What did you say?

110. Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats.

111. Children, since today is Halloween,

112. I thought we should learn something about

113. the great horror writer Jackie Collins.

114. You see, when Jackie Collins

115. first wrote her novel...

116. Ew!

117. Is there a problem, Kenny?

118. Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?

119. I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy

120. looking like everybody else.

121. Hello, there. Happy Halloween.

122. Must... eat... brains.

123. Brains!

124. I'm gonna make a new costume during recess.

125. I can still win that candy.

126. Hey, Kenny.

127. Are you gonna eat your pudding?

128. "No, Eric, go ahead and take my pudding if you like."

129. Why, thank you, Kenny.

130. How nice of you.

131. Aren't you hungry, Kenny?

132. He hasn't moved an inch or said anything.

133. Hello, children.

134. Hey, Chef.

135. What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?

136. Eating Kenny's pudding.

137. Hello there, children.

138. Oh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.

139. Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel!

140. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?

141. Why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?

142. Anyway, I hope that you kids are—

143. aaagh!

144. Eric! God bless it.

145. What do you think you're doing?

146. Hey, he said I could have his pudding.

147. Ask him yourself.

148. "That's right, Principal Victoria.

149. It's okay with me, 'cause Eric is cool."

150. Where did you get that costume, young man?

151. My mom made it.

152. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

153. Shh! Oh, God bless America.

154. You get into my office before anyone else sees you.

155. I have to show you an educational video.

156. I don't want to see an educational video.

157. Ow! You bit my arm!

158. Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.

159. Watch the video, Eric.

160. Adolf Hitler was a very, very naughty man.

161. So remember, kids,

162. dressing up like Hitler in school

163. isn't cool.

164. Now, do you have any questions?

165. Can I see that again? That was cool.

166. You must remove that costume immediately.

167. I can't. I have to win those two tons of candy.

168. Well, how about we make you a new costume?

169. Let's see now.

170. Aha. Thought of something.

171. How about we make you a nice, scary ghost costume?

172. I don't want to be a stupid scary ghost.

173. And let me just make a few quickie alterations,

174. and there you go, young man.

175. Oh, looks like they got a touch of that pinkeye

176. that's going around.

177. Boo. I'm a ghost.

178. Oh, man, I feel like a total chode.

179. Aw, come on, Stan.

180. Maybe that's just because

181. you look like a total chode.

182. Hello, children.

183. Hey, Chef.

184. Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?

185. Hey, where's Kyle?

186. Check this out.

187. Whoa, dude.

188. What is that?

189. I'm the whole solar system.

190. The planets even all revolve the right way.

191. That tub of candy is as good as mine.

192. Okay, children.

193. Let's get you lined up so the judge

194. can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.

195. Children, this year we have a celebrity judge:

196. the star of "Family Ties," Miss Tina Yothers.

197. Who?

198. Dude, I thought she was dead.

199. Yeah, me too.

200. Thank you, Miss Yothers.

201. Okay, the second-place award for best costume

202. goes to...

203. Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume!

204. And the award for the very best costume

205. goes to...

206. Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume.

207. What? But she looks just like everybody else.

208. Up yours, Tina Yothers!

209. And the award for worst costume this year goes to...

210. Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume.

211. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children.

212. Yeah.

213. Thanks a lot, Wendy.

214. You ruined my Halloween.

215. Relax, Stan.

216. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.

217. I don't want to trick-or-treat with you!

218. You lied to me! Okay, children,

219. let's all gather round and bob for stupid apples now.

220. You go first, Bebe.

221. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles

222. like the girls in Beijing.

223. Brains!

224. Wait your turn, Clyde!

225. Argh! Damn, Johnson.

226. What the hell has gotten into you?

227. Piiinnnkkk... eyyeee...

228. Get the hell out of here, Johnson!

229. I don't want no goddamn pinkeye!

230. And the President responded to the incident by saying,

231. quote, "Screw those commie bastards,

232. and screw their little wussy space station."

233. In other news, a pinkeye epidemic

234. is now sweeping the town of South Park.

235. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.

236. Thanks, Tom. Already more than half the townspeople

237. here in South Park have been infected

238. with the pinkeye virus.

239. Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions,

240. blood pressure, lung activity,

241. and of course, sticky, puffy, eyes.

242. Pinkeye my ass.

243. I've seen this kind of thing before.

244. Where the hell is Kyle?

245. We don't have all night to wait for him.

246. I bet I get more candy than you, dude.

247. Are you crazy?

248. I'm the Candy Master!

249. No, no, you're the Ass Master.

250. There's a difference.

251. Hey! I'm not the one who walked around all day

252. looking like Pippi Longstockings!

253. Oh, yeah? Well at least my mom's not on the cover

254. of Crack Whore Magazine.

255. Goddammit! My mom is not on the cover

256. of Crack Whore Magazine!

257. Hey, dudes. - Oh, good, you're here.

258. Now, let's make sure we've got everything.

259. Flashlight? - Check.

260. Plastic pumpkin pails? - Check.

261. Taser? - What's that?

262. For shocking people who try to give us

263. granola treats or something.

264. Yeah, granola pisses me off.

265. Hey, Kenny.

266. Whew! You stink, Kenny!

267. You still didn't get a costume, Kenny?

268. Eh, too bad drinking Scotch isn't a paying job,

269. or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.

270. I said your dad would be a millionaire, Kenny!

271. Kenny! Your family is poor, Kenny!

272. Your family's poor!

273. I don't like Kenny anymore.

274. He just doesn't communicate.

275. Hi, guys. - Hi, Wendy.

276. How's your barrel full of candy, Wendy?

277. Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff.

278. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.

279. You what? Are you insane?

280. Let's go trick-or-treats!

281. I don't think so, Wendy.

282. I think you've had enough candy for one day.

283. Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy.

284. Please don't be mad.

285. How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?

286. Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!

287. But Stan... - No buts, Wendy.

288. I wish you were dead!

289. Doctor! - Why hello, Chef.

290. Let me guess—pinkeye, right?

291. No. No, Doctor.

292. I've seen this type of thing before.

293. This ain't no pinkeye. It's the Living Dead.

294. What the hell are you talking about?

295. Think about it.

296. Dead people getting up and walking around...

297. and Tina Yothers come to town?

298. Coincidence? Oh, I don't think so.

299. Chef, I think maybe the pinkeye has made you

300. a little delirious.

301. Let me give you some topical cream.

302. Damn it, don't you see?

303. These people have been zombified!

304. They got no heartbeat, no feeling—

305. I'll show you.

306. Uh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine checkup, Chef.

307. Oh, sorry.

308. But my point is

309. that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here!

310. Hey now, now there have been a lot of incredible advances

311. in topical creams over the last few years.

312. Doctor, who was the first person to come in here

313. with the sickness?

314. Well, uh, it was the mortician

315. and his assistant at the morgue, yeah.

316. Now, now, fellas, let's form a line.

317. I've got enough topical cream for everybody.

318. Trick-or-treat!

319. Oh, how cute.

320. Dude, Kenny!

321. Oh, my God! Call 911!

322. Call 911! Nice going, Kenny.

323. She was about to give us candy!

324. Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops!

325. You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!

326. Mayor, we've got a big problem.

327. Why-why Chef, what a surprise.

328. You're probably wondering why we're standing here

329. with a pile of money and no pants on.

330. Actually, uh—

331. Well, I can assure you

332. that it has absolutely nothing

333. to do with the Japanese Mafia.

334. Not a thingy-dingy.

335. I don't really give a crap.

336. We've got to do something about the Living Dead!

337. You mean Tina Yothers?

338. No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies

339. that have taken over South Park!

340. Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them

341. with your rocket cycle?

342. Aw, to hell with you both!

343. Well, let's get back to it. - Righty-o.

344. Trick-or-treat!

345. Hope you kids like chocolate peanut butter cream puffies.

346. Get it off! Get it off me!

347. Dammit! We'll never get any candy

348. if Kenny keeps eating people!

349. Yeah! That's it, Kenny!

350. You can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!

351. Oh, God!

352. Trick-or-treat.

353. Hey, they're all dressed up like ghosts too.

354. One Tootie bar? You cheap bastards!

355. Trick-or—aaargh!

356. Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!

357. No, Chef, No!

358. Oh, sorry children, I thought you were one of them!

359. Can we have some candy now, please?

360. Dammit boy, what the hell are you doing dressed up like that?

361. I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!

362. Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

363. Now get in here before those zombies get you.

364. What are you talking about, Chef?

365. Zombies, children. South Park is overrun

366. with the Living Dead.

367. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?

368. Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps

369. eating people's brains.

370. Don't you children see?

371. Kenny's turned into a zombie,

372. along with everyone else in town.

373. Oh, my God. That means...

374. If everyone has turned into zombies...

375. Then there won't be anyone to give us candy!

376. Chef! You've got to help us!

377. I'm working on it, children.

378. Wait, where are we going?

379. The doctor said the first people he treated

380. were the mortician and his assistant.

381. Now, I've got a hunch we'll get to the bottom of this

382. at the morgue.

383. It was Kyle.

384. I don't know about this, Chef.

385. Yeah, I'm scared.

386. Remember candy. Focus on the candy.

387. What are we doing here, Chef?

388. Just look for anything suspicious.

389. I found it! I found it!

390. What? See, Cartman?

391. Your mom is on the cover.

392. We told you, dude.

393. You better let me take that, Kyle.

394. Hey, Chef, look.

395. I got to call this hotline number, children.

396. Piiink eyyyeee.

397. It's the British kid!

398. He's a little limey zombie now!

399. Look out, children!

400. Ow! Oh, God!

401. Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!

402. Chef?

403. Chef!

404. Let's get out of here!

405. Ohhhh!

406. We gotta call that Worcestershire sauce hotline!

407. Hey, there's a payphone!

408. You call the number, Kyle.

409. But the zombies are coming!

410. We'll hold them off.

411. Welcome to the Worcestershire sauce

412. customer service hotline.

413. For Worcestershire sauce recipes, please press 1

414. followed by the pound sign.

415. For Worcestershire sauce product placement,

416. please press 2.

417. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming,

418. please press—

419. Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats

420. and gets away with it!

421. Yeah, cool!

422. Sweet!

423. Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline.

424. This call might be monitored

425. to ensure you the highest quality service.

426. How may I help you?

427. There's a bunch of zombies here!

428. Please hold.

429. Wendy?

430. Finish her, dude. She's a zombie now.

431. I know, but...

432. But— - Come on, Stan!

433. Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?

434. Hey, yeah!

435. With the regular sauce, the first thing you need to do

436. is make sure that you do not just go out

437. and start decapitating zombies

438. left and right, do you understand?

439. Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!

440. Uh, okay. Then what?

441. Wendy, I know we had a fight,

442. and I did wish you were dead,

443. but I didn't mean it. Kill her, Stan!

444. All you have to do is kill the original zombie,

445. the one that started the whole mess.

446. Once you kill the original zombie,

447. all the other zombies will turn back to normal.

448. Original zombie?

449. Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?

450. We realize you have a choice in Worcestershire sauces.

451. We are delighted that—

452. Wait a minute.

453. That thing landed on Kenny.

454. And they took him to the mortuary.

455. I—I can't.

456. Oh, my God! I killed Kenny!

457. You bastard!

458. Oh... What happened?

459. Stan? - Don't worry, babe.

460. Everything's gonna be okay.

461. It's working. They're turning back to normal.

462. You did it, children!

463. Okay, let's go trick-or-treating now.

464. Come on.

465. I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that, Stan.

466. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.

467. That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished you were dead.

468. Maybe we could actually kiss tonight, Stan.

469. Ew, gross, Stan!

470. Sick! Barf is gross!

471. Oh, man. I can't believe he's gone.

472. Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.

473. Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chainsaw.

474. Let us remember the good times.

475. Kenny would have wanted it that way.

476. You know, I've really learned something today.

477. Halloween isn't about costumes or candy.

478. It's about being good to one another

479. and giving and loving.

480. No, dude, that's Christmas.

481. Oh. Then what's Halloween about?

482. Costumes and candy. - Oh.

483. Well, let's get home and start eating that candy.

484. We can eat it at Cartman's house

485. and see more naughty pictures of his mom!

486. Yeah. - Knock it off, you guys!

487. She said she was young and needed the money!

488. Cartman, those pictures were taken, like, last month.

489. Screw you guys!

490. Ugh!