1. Hey, Stan, did you see that
rainbow this morning?
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2. Yeah, it was huge.
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3. Ugh, I hate those things.
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4. Nobody hates rainbows.
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5. Yeah, what's there to hate
about rainbows?
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6. Well, you know, you'll just
be sitting there
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7. minding your own business, and
they'll come marching in
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8. and crawl up your leg and
start biting
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9. the inside of your ass.
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10. And you'll be all like, "Hey,
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11. get out of my ass, you stupid
rainbows."
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12. Cartman, what the hell are
you talking about?
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13. I'm talking about rainbows.
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14. I hate those friggin' things.
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15. Rainbows are those arches of
color
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16. that show up during a
rainstorm.
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17. Oh, rainbows.
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18. Oh, yeah,
I like those.
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19. Those are cool.
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20. What were you talking about?
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21. Heh? Oh, nothing. Forget it.
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22. No, what marches in, crawls
up your leg...
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23. Nothing.
- And bites the inside
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24. of your ass?
- Nothing.
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25. Children, children, remember
the Save Our Fragile Planet
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26. essay contest that you
children worked
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27. so hard on last month?
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28. One of our very own South Park
students has won
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29. the national prize.
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30. Wow, I knew I would win.
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31. Gosh, Mr. Garrison, this sure
is exciting.
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32. That's right, Mr. Hat.
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33. The winner of the national
Save Our Fragile Planet
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34. contest is... Eric Cartman.
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35. What?
- What?
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36. Congratulations, Eric, on
writing
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37. the award-winning paper.
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38. Kick ass.
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39. That's impossible.
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40. Cartman doesn't know a rain
forest from a Pop-Tart.
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41. Yeah, I do.
Pop-Tarts are frosted.
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42. Out of over a million papers,
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43. Eric's was chosen as the
grand prize winner.
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44. Wow, what did you write
about, Cartman?
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45. Oh, you know, this and
that.
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46. He doesn't even know
what he wrote about.
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47. What was your paper about,
Wendy?
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48. My paper was on the suffering
of bottle-nosed dolphins.
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49. Well, you see, you shouldn't
have written
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50. a paper about dolphins.
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51. Dolphins are stupid.
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52. Dude, dolphins are, like, the
second-smartest animal
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53. on the planet.
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54. Oh, right.
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55. If they're so damn smart,
how come they get caught
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56. in those fishing nets all the
time?
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57. What?
- Wait, wait, there's more.
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58. It says here that Eric's
trophy
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59. will be presented to
him by...
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60. Kathie Lee Gifford?
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61. Kathie Lee is coming to South
Park?
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62. And the presentation will be
on national television.
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63. Television?
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64. Kathie Lee Gifford.
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65. I don't believe it.
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66. Kathie Lee Gifford in South
Park.
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67. Oh, my God.
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68. This is our chance to make a
name for ourselves, to show
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69. that we're not some pissant,
white-bread mountain town.
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70. Better yet, it's a chance for
you to get some publicity.
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71. Yes, if I can show just how
much I've turned South Park
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72. around, I could become a
senator.
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73. Maybe even a state senator.
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74. Mayor, we should decorate the
town square.
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75. Then we should have the chef
of the school cafeteria sing
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76. a song and play up the ethnic
diversity of our town.
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77. That's right.
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78. He's a black guy, isn't he?
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79. Black as the night itself,
Mayor.
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80. Yes, and we can even have the
children of South Park
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81. put on a little play.
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82. Kathie Lee loves children.
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83. If they're working in a
sweatshop, that is.
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84. Oh!
- Ouch.
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85. Thank you.
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86. You guys, guess what.
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87. After I'm on television,
I'm gonna be totally famous.
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88. Hitler was famous too.
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89. Hello there, children.
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90. Hey, Chef.
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91. How are my little crackers
today?
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92. Good.
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93. Did y'all hear about the
news?
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94. Kathie Lee Gifford is
coming to South Park.
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95. Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated
and won
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96. the environmental essay
contest.
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97. Hey!
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
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98. But the mayor just called and
asked me
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99. to sing at the ceremony.
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100. Wow, are you gonna do it?
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101. Of course.
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102. Kathie Lee is a beautiful,
sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
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103. And if I sing to her, maybe I
can lure her into
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104. a night of exotic delectation.
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105. Yeah, that'd be cool.
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106. Well, three times bigger than
Frank Gifford's, anyway.
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107. Oh, I can't even concentrate
on grading papers
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108. with all this excitement.
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109. Why are you looking at me like
that, Mr. Hat?
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110. Have you forgotten about all
the pain and suffering
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111. that Kathie Lee Gifford caused
you?
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112. Mr. Hat, that was a long time
ago, and—
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113. and I was only a child.
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114. We could've won that
talent show.
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115. We could've been huge.
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116. Knock-knock, Mr. Hat.
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117. Who's there?
Orange.
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118. Orange who?
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119. Orange you glad
I didn't say banana?
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120. Thank you.
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121. Wow, Mr. Hat, looks like we
might win.
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122. And now, our last talent show
finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
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123. It wasn't fair.
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124. She had choreography.
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125. How could we compete with that?
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126. But now she's coming to
South Park,
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127. and I know a way to
make it all better.
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128. How?
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129. No, Mr. Hat.
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130. I couldn't...
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131. kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
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132. Children, as you all know,
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133. Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be
in South Park to present
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134. the award to some kid for an
essay.
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135. That kid is me.
- Whatever.
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136. Now, I'm going to have you
luscious little youngsters
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137. do a play about the history of
South Park.
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138. That'll be wonderful, won't
it, Mr. Hat?
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139. Kill her. Mr. Hat.
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140. Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you
to direct our little play.
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141. Oh, that's perfect.
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142. You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have
to kill her.
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143. We can just upstage her.
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144. Mrs. Mayor,
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145. you might want to
review the essays.
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146. We think Cartman might
have cheated.
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147. Who cares?
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148. Now, kids, what's say we give
it our South Park best?
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149. And who's
our little prizewinner again?
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150. Me, Eric Cartman.
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151. How about
we get in shape, huh?
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152. We want to look our best for
the TV cameras, don't we?
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153. Yes, ma'am.
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154. We don't believe for a
minute that you won that
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155. contest fairly, fat boy.
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156. Ugh, stop defending your
little girlfriend
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157. for writing about
some stupid fish.
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158. Dude, dolphins are
intelligent and friendly.
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159. Intelligent and friendly on
rye bread with some mayonnaise.
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160. Dolphins are way smarter
than you.
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161. If they're so smart, why do
they live in igloos?
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162. Dolphins don't live in
igloos.
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163. That's Eskimos.
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164. Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?
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165. It's all a bunch of
tree-hugging hippie crap.
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166. Tell me what you wrote
about.
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167. I can't.
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168. I have to go home and get
in shape.
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169. Yeah, right.
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170. You'll go and sit in front
of the TV
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171. and eat Cheesy Poofs,
ass-master.
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172. Screw you, hippie.
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173. We'll be right back to
"Jesus and Pals" after this.
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174. Hey, do you need to get in
shape fast?
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175. Wanna look your best?
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176. Tired of the other guys
getting all the chicks?
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177. Are you tired of
being a 90-pound weakling?
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178. Yeah, I only weigh 90
pounds.
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179. Then bulk up quick with
Weight Gain 4000.
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180. Yes.
- Over 4,000 grams
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181. of saturated fat per serving,
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182. its patented formula is
designed
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183. to enter the mouth and go
directly to the stomach,
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184. where it is distributed to the
bloodstream.
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185. Now available at stores
everywhere.
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186. Get some today, and say it
with me, "Beefcake."
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187. Beefcake.
- Beefcake!
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188. Beefcake!
- Beefcake!
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189. Beefcake!
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190. May cause irreversible damage
to the kidneys and liver.
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191. Mom, can you get me some
Weight Gain 4000?
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192. Okay, Eric, I'll get you some
at the store tomorrow.
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193. But, Mom, I need it for
tomorrow.
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194. But tomorrow is
grocery day, Eric.
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195. Mom.
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196. Okay, okay.
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197. Well, I guess I'll be going
to the store now, then.
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198. No! No!
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199. Kill her.
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200. No, Mr. Hat. I won't do it.
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201. Kill.
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202. That does it.
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203. You're going in the
dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
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204. She'll make a fool
of you again.
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205. Well, you can just stay in that
drawer, negative Nancy.
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206. Hey, dudes.
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207. What the hell is wrong with
you, Cartman?
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208. Haven't you noticed the
three feet of snow
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209. on the ground?
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210. Listen, I have a nice body,
and I want to show it off.
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211. You got that?
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212. What?
You've got to weigh 90 pounds.
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213. I'm up to 94, thank
you very much.
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214. Yeah, they're almost as big
as his mom's.
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215. Laugh all you want.
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216. I'll the one who's gonna be on
TV looking all buff.
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217. What's that stuff?
- Weight Gain 4000.
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218. It's helping me bulk up.
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219. Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
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220. Super fat-ass?
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221. Hey, I don't have to take
that kind of crap
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222. from you scrawny weaklings.
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223. Sweet, check me out.
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224. I'm such a beefcake I can't
get through the door.
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225. Come on, people.
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226. We've got to turn
this place around.
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227. Hang up the lights, string up
the banners,
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228. castrate the cows.
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229. Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the
little play going?
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230. Huh? Oh, fine.
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231. We were just about to
run it from the top.
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232. Oh, please do.
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233. I'm dying to see it.
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234. Okay, all the little pioneers
on this side of the stage.
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235. Good, and all the little
Indians
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236. go to the center of the stage.
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237. Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
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238. Do you have a feather on your
head?
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239. Yes.
- Then you're an Indian.
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240. Oh.
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241. Okay, Bebe, this is your line.
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242. This is the story
of South Park.
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243. It begins over 100 years ago
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244. when the noble and hearty Ute
Indians lived on the land.
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245. Oh, don't they look adorable?
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246. Then from the East came the
great white pioneers.
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247. Ahh!
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248. Oh, my God.
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249. They did it
a lot better this morning.
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250. They had more energy.
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251. The pioneers met with the
Indians
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252. and negotiated for
their fertile lands.
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253. Mr. Garrison, we cannot have
our children
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254. beating each other senseless
in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
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255. Well, what do you want?
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256. This is how it happened
in those days.
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257. Take that, you stupid Indian.
- Ohh.
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258. Mr. Garrison, this is not
appropriate.
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259. Do you actually think that
Kathie Lee Gifford
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260. would enjoy this?
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261. To hell with Kathie
Lee Gifford.
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262. Oh, my God. What have I said?
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263. He said, "To hell with Kathie
Lee Gifford."
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264. Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing
you from directing our play.
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265. It happened again, didn't it?
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266. Now we do things my way.
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267. I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
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268. You're gonna have to do it.
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269. Whoa, Cartman, talk
about wide load.
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270. Yeah, I'm really starting to
fill out nicely.
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271. You're not filling out
nicely.
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272. You're fatter than ever.
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273. I'm not fat.
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274. I'm getting in shape.
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275. Cartman, you're such a
fat-ass that when you walk
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276. down the street, people go,
"God damn it.
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277. That's a big fat-ass."
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278. No, they don't, you
jealous weakling.
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279. God damn,
that's a big fat-ass.
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280. Hey!
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281. Hi, guys.
- Oh, look, another hippie.
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282. Peace, Wendy.
- Shut up, Cartman.
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283. Oh.
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284. I'm gonna find Cartman's
paper
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285. and get to the bottom of this.
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286. Can I help you?
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287. Yes.
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288. I need a gun.
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289. Would this be for hunting or
protection or other?
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290. Other.
- Alrighty then.
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291. May I suggest a Stratford
12-millimeter?
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292. Go ahead.
Try it on.
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293. That looks really nice on you.
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294. The lacquered black
really matches your eyes.
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295. You talking to me?
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296. You talking to me?
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297. I don't know,
it's a little small.
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298. Okay.
How about this?
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299. You talking to me?
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300. Hmm, no, I don't like this one
either.
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301. Here's the same gun
with a wood finish.
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302. You talking to me?
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303. I don't see anybody else
around here,
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304. so you
must be talking to me.
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305. I'll take it.
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306. Hello?
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307. "My essay,
by Eric Cartman.
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308. "When I wrote the following
pages,
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309. "or rather the bulk of them,
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310. I lived alone in the
woods on the shore of..."
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311. Well, Mr. Hat, I guess old
Kathie Lee really will be
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312. surprised when she gets here
tomorrow.
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313. She beat us in the talent
show all those years ago.
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314. And I think we owe her for
that.
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315. Ba-bang!
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316. Oh, my God.
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317. Howdy, Mr. Garrison.
Nice gun.
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318. Thank you.
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319. Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
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320. Thanks.
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321. Hello, Officer Barbrady.
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322. Nice gun.
- Thanks.
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323. Is there somewhere in town
where I can get a good,
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324. clear shot—or a view of Kathie
Lee?
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325. Hmm, you know, I think the
book depository
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326. would be a good bet.
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327. Yes, that might do quite
nicely.
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328. Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
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329. No problem.
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330. Ha! Caught you red-handed!
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331. No pictures of Kathie Lee.
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332. Where is she?
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333. This is sweet.
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334. Camera crews are setting up,
and I'm looking totally ripped.
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335. Beefcake. Beefcake!
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336. I don't think they're gonna
be able to get
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337. all of you in frame, Cartman.
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338. You guys, we have to stop
him.
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339. Stop who?
- Mr. Garrison.
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340. He's going to try to
kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
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341. Oh, no, you don't.
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342. You're not gonna ruin my
moment of fame.
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343. He's got a gun.
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344. You gotta get over this whole
jealousy thing, all right?
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345. Seriously, just face it.
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346. I wrote a better
paper than you.
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347. It just so happens that I
have your paper,
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348. and I know why you won.
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349. There's something more
important right now.
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350. Let's go.
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351. Wendy, you've got to
prioritize.
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352. What's more important, being
on TV
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353. or some stupid assassination?
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354. Stan, I can't
do it alone.
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355. Please?
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356. Uh-oh, we're losing him.
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357. Here she comes.
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358. Damn, I guess I'm not the
only person in America
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359. who's thought of
killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
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360. We love you, Kathie Lee.
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361. I love you too.
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362. Come on, you little bitch.
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363. You've got to come out of your
precious bubble
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364. sooner or later, missy.
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365. It is with great pride and
honor that I'd like to welcome
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366. Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to
South Park.
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367. And now our very own
South Park Elementary chef
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368. will sing a special song in
honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
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369. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
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370. You know, Kathie Lee, you are
a very special woman.
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371. I don't mean special in a Mary
Tyler Moore way
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372. or special in an extra-value
meal at Happy Burger way.
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373. No, no, no, no, no.
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374. I mean special,
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375. like the song of the
hummingbird as it gets ready
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376. to find that female
hummingbird
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377. and make sweet love to it all
night long.
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378. Just two hummingbirds moaning
and groaning and
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379. letting their bodies caress
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380. and touch each other in
ecstasy.
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381. What?
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382. Thank you, Chef,
for that heartwarming song.
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383. Thank you, Chef.
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384. Oh, oh.
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385. God bless you, Kathie Lee.
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386. Officer Barbrady,
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387. Mr. Garrison is about to kill
Kathie Lee.
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388. We have to find him.
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389. What?
You mean the teacher?
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390. Wait a minute.
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391. Is there somewhere in town
where I can get a good, clear
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392. shot—
or a view of Kathie Lee?
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393. Hmm, you know, I think the
book depository
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394. would be a good bet.
Copy !req
395. I think the book depository
would be a good bet.
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396. Book depository, depository,
book depository, depository.
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397. Damn, he could be anywhere.
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398. I'll send out an APB.
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399. Wendy, look.
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400. And now, here to
present the award
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401. for the environmental essay to
our own Eric Kaufman...
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402. Cartman, God damn it.
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403. Is your favorite celebrity
and mine,
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404. Kathie Lee Gifford.
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405. Thank you.
I love you all.
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406. Mr. Garrison, stop.
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407. Leave us.
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408. We must finish what
we have begun.
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409. I know that she's hurt you.
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410. She's hurt a lot of people.
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411. You can't know.
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412. You should've won
that talent show.
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413. It is with a great honor and
pride that I present
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414. the winner this trophy.
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415. Eric, would you please come
up here?
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416. Here it is, my big
moment of fame.
Copy !req
417. And then she finished it
all by throwing her voice
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418. with two dummies at once.
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419. I know that, Mr. Garrison,
but this isn't the answer.
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420. It is too late for
me, young Wendy.
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421. You see, I've learned
something today.
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422. You can't win all the time.
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423. And if you don't win, you
certainly can't hold it against
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424. the person who did, because
that's the only way
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425. you ever really lose.
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426. You're... you're right.
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427. Good.
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428. Man, did she really throw her
voice with two dummies at once?
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429. The bitch must die.
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430. Ahh!
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431. Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny.
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432. You bastard.
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433. Gun!
- Gun!
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434. Hey, come back.
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435. We didn't even get to do
our play.
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436. Aww.
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437. I guess that's it, guys.
Wrap it up.
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438. Hey, wait a minute.
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439. When do I get to be on
television?
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440. Forget it, kid.
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441. No Kathie Lee, no
public interest.
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442. But I won the environmental
essay contest.
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443. You don't
deserve to win, Cartman,
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444. and you know it.
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445. I'm holding Cartman's
award-winning paper.
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446. It's actually nothing more
than "Walden"
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447. with Henry David Thoreau's
name crossed out
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448. and Cartman's
name written in its place.
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449. Who cares?
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450. Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's
gone.
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451. What about not holding
anything against
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452. the person who wins?
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453. Well, not if it's Cartman.
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454. Hey, where are you all going?
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455. They don't even know what
"Walden" is.
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456. I bet if "Walden" was a sitcom
you'd all know what it was.
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457. Come on, Wendy.
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458. Kyle's mom will make us
tuna fish sandwiches.
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459. Oh, what the hell.
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460. No, no.
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461. Now I'll be stuck in
this Podunk town forever
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462. with all these stupid, hick,
redneck, jobless,
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463. truck-driving idiots.
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464. Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
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465. Thought you could get
away with it, eh, Mr. Hat?
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466. Well, I would have gotten
away with it
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467. if it weren't
for those meddling kids.
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468. You're lucky you missed
Kathie Lee Gifford
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469. and that nobody got hurt.
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470. We hope you can come
back to school real soon,
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471. Mr. Garrison.
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472. Well, children, I'd love to,
but the doctors say
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473. that Mr. Hat needs more
therapy.
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474. We can still get her.
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475. I'm just so sorry that I ruined
everyone's chances
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476. for being on TV.
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477. Not Cartman.
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478. He gets to be on TV anyway.
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479. Really? On what?
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480. Obesity, adiposity,
corpulence.
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481. Whatever word you use, it
represents one thing:
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482. being a big fat-ass.
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483. We have with us today live via
satellite Eric Cartman
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484. from South Park,
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485. who is now so obese, he can't
even get out of his house.
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486. When is this gonna be on the
air?
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487. Is there anything you'd like
to say to people out there?
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488. Follow your dreams.
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489. You can reach your goals.
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490. I'm living proof.
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491. Beefcake. Beefcake!
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492. He needs to run his ass
around the block a few times.
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493. Mmm, how about a little more
of that good loving, Chef?
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494. Damn, woman.
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495. I just gave you sweet
loving five minutes ago.
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496. You trying to kill me?
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