South Park 1x13

Jay Leno as Jay Leno (voice) • Toddy Walters as Mall Hankey's Helper (voice)

Cartman needs to find out who his father is but his mom is no help. Learning that his father could be one of the many people that his mom had "relations" with during an annual party called "The Drunken Barn Dance", he finds that there's more to his mother than he thought.

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1. Dude, the bus will be here any minute,

2. and Cartman didn't show up for school.

3. Yeah, this is, like, the third day in a row.

4. I wonder what's wrong.

5. Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should

6. ditch school and go check on him.

7. Come on, we're running late!

8. We're not getting on, you fat, ugly bitch.

9. What did you say? - I said, "We're not

10. getting on, you fat, ugly bitch."

11. Oh, all right, then.

12. Whoa, dude. - I always wondered

13. if that would work.

14. Hello, boys. - Hi, we were wondering

15. why fat-ass, I mean, Cartman hasn't been

16. showing up for school. - Oh, he's just been

17. feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys

18. can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.

19. In the backyard? - Would you like some more tea,

20. Polly Prissy Pants?

21. Yes, Eric, I would love

22. some tea, thank you.

23. You're very welcome,

24. Polly Prissy Pants.

25. Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?

26. Yes, please, Eric.

27. Why are you so cool?

28. Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog.

29. I just am.

30. Yeah, you're strong

31. and smart, Eric— everybody likes you.

32. Why, thank you,

33. Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.

34. Dude, this is pretty up right here.

35. Come on, let's go make fun of him.

36. No, dude, this looks really serious.

37. I think we better get help. - Really?

38. Wow, Eric, you are the coolest

39. guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.

40. Why, thank you, Peter Panda.

41. It's a distinctive Earl Grey.

42. Eric is the best.

43. Hooray for Eric!

44. Eric kicks ass.

45. Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.

46. Oh, well, there's a newsflash.

47. No, no, we saw him having a tea party

48. with his stuffed animals.

49. Yeah, he was doing their voices and

50. pouring tea for them. - Oh, okay.

51. Eric is obviously suffering from some kind

52. of emotional distress, M'kay? - What do you mean?

53. Have you boys noticed anything recently

54. that troubled Eric? - No.

55. Well, obviously, something is bothering him, M'kay?

56. Oh, of course, my video camera.

57. Boys, if you could video tape Eric's behavior,

58. then I can study him psychologically and find out

59. what's wrong, M'kay? - Is that legal?

60. Oh, hell yes. - My goodness, that's a lovely

61. dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.

62. Oh, thank you, Eric.

63. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and cool.

64. Yes, Eric, you are strong

65. and smart and cool— everybody likes you very much.

66. That's nice, Peter Panda.

67. Dude, this is gonna be the funniest tape ever made.

68. How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?

69. I don't know— just keep rolling.

70. More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

71. Yes, please, Eric.

72. You are tough and handsome.

73. Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin.

74. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

75. I think you're a big, fat

76. piece of crap.

77. Hey!

78. No, kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.

79. No, kitty,

80. that's a bad kitty!

81. How is your beefy roast,

82. snookums?

83. Mom, can I ask you a question?

84. Sure, hun.

85. You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

86. Uh-huh. - And my friend Kyle has a dad,

87. and my friend Kenny has a dad?

88. Yes.

89. Well, what's your question, hun?

90. God damn it, do I have a dad?

91. Oh. - I wanna know

92. where I came from. - Oh, hmm,

93. well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man

94. and a woman are attracted to each other,

95. they want to be close to each other.

96. Uh-huh. - And sometimes, the man

97. puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

98. So who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?

99. Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.

100. It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees

101. were turning at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.

102. I was young and naive then.

103. Wow, I've never seen a woman drink that much.

104. You're amazing, Ms. Cartman.

105. Oh, heck, I haven't even started yet.

106. I baked cookies.

107. Would anybody like one? - I wouldn't mind

108. getting ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman.

109. Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.

110. Mm, that's a good cookie!

111. Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance!

112. And then, I saw him.

113. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass

114. I'd ever seen in South Park.

115. His name was Chief Running Water.

116. I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went,

117. but the next morning, I was pregnant with you,

118. my little blueberry muffin.

119. So where's Chief Running Wa— I mean, Dad, now?

120. Oh, I never saw him after that.

121. I wasn't really that interested in him.

122. That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.

123. I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation

124. just outside of town.

125. Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.

126. No, kitty,

127. that's a bad kitty!

128. Coming this Sunday, a major television event

129. that will blow you away.

130. Terrance, Phillip in the harrowing

131. made for TV drama "Not Without My Anus."

132. Based on a true story.

133. Hey, Phillip, I have to Iraq and find

134. my kidnapped daughter!

135. Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.

136. See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC movie of the week.

137. Wow, kickass, dude. We have to remember

138. to tape "Not Without My Anus" next week.

139. Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.

140. Come on, Grandpa, we wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.

141. No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.

142. And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

143. Here's your host, Bob Saget.

144. Hey, I just flew in to the studio.

145. Boy, are my arms tired.

146. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

147. 'Cause he didn't have the guts.

148. Knock, knock.

149. Bob.

150. Bob Saget.

151. This guy sucks.

152. Yeah, he's almost as bad

153. as that guy on "Full House."

154. Cartman?

155. What the hell are doing dressed up like an Indian

156. with a bear necklace?

157. Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important

158. to my people. - What?

159. Hey, the white man has mocked my people long enough.

160. You keep your goddamn mouth shut.

161. Stan, I need to borrow your bike to ride over

162. to the reservation. - What are you talking

163. about, Cartman? - Why name isn't Eric Cartman.

164. It's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow

165. your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?

166. Go ahead, dude.

167. Man, Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.

168. Yeah, we better get this video tape

169. over to Mr. Mackey quick.

170. Just a friendly reminder to all of you out there.

171. Send us your stupidest home videos.

172. The grand prize this month will be for $10,000.

173. $10,000? Holy smokes.

174. Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.

175. And Bear cried to Eagle— - Running Water,

176. there is some kid here to see you.

177. What kid? - He claims to be your kid.

178. Hi, Dad. - Who the hell are you?

179. I'm your son, Eric.

180. My mom says you put your hoo-hoo-dilly

181. in her cha-cha at the drunken barn dance.

182. Your mother? - Liane Cartman.

183. Cartman, oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.

184. Look, kid, I'm not your father.

185. But my mom says you were the guy she was with.

186. Kid, I hate to break this to you,

187. but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as

188. "bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean?

189. She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."

190. Huh? - Your mom's a slut.

191. Hey! - Don't feel too bad.

192. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened.

193. Let me tell you.

194. We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find

195. a private spot.

196. I knew that she wanted me because she kept

197. saying romantic things.

198. Oh, Chief, I want your hot man chowder.

199. Whoa, hello.

200. Wait, wait.

201. Who is that?

202. Chief, could you excuse me for a minute?

203. Huh? You gotta be kidding me.

204. Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you

205. around before. - No, I'm new in town.

206. Well, what's a nice handsome black man like yourself

207. doing in a pit like South Park? - I'm gonna open up

208. my own restaurant here. - My, how exciting!

209. Would you care to put your tongue in my mouth?

210. Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase, don't you?

211. I'm plastered.

212. His tongue? Chef?

213. Chef is my dad? - He's the last person

214. I saw with your mom that night. - Oh, my God,

215. I'm a black African American.

216. Come on, Kenny,

217. get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it.

218. Did you send the video tape

219. to "America's Stupidest Home Videos?"

220. Yeah, I mailed it last night.

221. What sucks is that now, I'll have to actually watch

222. that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.

223. If we win, we can buy a new go-kart that actually runs.

224. Shh, here comes Cartman.

225. Sup, homies? - Cartman?

226. I was just down in the SPC kicking it

227. with some Gs on the west side.

228. You live on the east side, Cartman.

229. Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.

230. Right,

231. like I'm some hippie Indian.

232. You know what I'm saying?

233. Check it out, I'm gonna go chill with my dad.

234. Dude, we should be videotaping this.

235. We could make another $10,000.

236. Hold on, Kenny!

237. Oh, my God, they've killed Kenny!

238. You bastards!

239. Hello? - Yo, Pops.

240. Boy, what the fudge are you doing?

241. You know, just laying down some rhymes for the G-folk.

242. You know what I'm saying?

243. Get in here. - West side.

244. Take that wig off! What's gotten into you?

245. You're my dad, Chef.

246. Chief Running Water said you got together with my mom

247. at the drunken barn dance. - What?

248. No—did I? - He said you kissed her

249. with your tongue. - Ooh, that's different.

250. Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.

251. Huh, so you're not my dad? - Of course not.

252. Here, you children sit down, and let me explain

253. something to you about where babies come from.

254. Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.

255. Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman,

256. but he acts like he does in order to get some action.

257. Who the hell did that to my mom at the drunken barn dance?

258. Oh, children, that was a long time ago,

259. but I'll tell you what I remember.

260. Oh, Chef, you're so strong.

261. Hey, everybody, look who's here!

262. The AFC champion Denver Broncos.

263. Are we late for the party?

264. What the hell town is this?

265. Chef, oh, Chef! - Damn, woman,

266. what's gotten into you?

267. Oh, whoopee! Ah!

268. Garrison, what the hell are you doing?

269. You're drunk, Mr. Hat.

270. Oh, man, I'm out of here.

271. Come on, Chef, haven't you ever heard

272. of a manage au three? - Yeah, when two women

273. are involved. - Damn, damn, damn.

274. Oh, well, I guess it'll just have to be

275. you and me, Ms. Cartman. Oh!

276. And that's who she was with last.

277. Mr. Garrison. - No!

278. No, no, God, no!

279. And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

280. Here's a video sent to us that shows

281. a very disturbed little boy.

282. Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants, you are my best friend.

283. I think you are one of the

284. coolest people in the world, Eric.

285. And you are not fat at all.

286. Really, you don't think so?

287. No, you're not fat.

288. Cool, that's cool.

289. Oh, Stanley, we just heard the news

290. that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train

291. this morning. - Huh?

292. Oh, yeah. - Is there anything

293. we can do for you, son? - How about some ice cream?

294. Yeah, with butterscotch. - You bet, you poor dears.

295. Now the moment you've all been waiting for—

296. when one of our lucky videos qualifies

297. for the $10,000 grand prize to be chosen tomorrow night.

298. The winner is...

299. "Little Boy's Tea Party." - Whoo-hoo!

300. Whoa, yes! We're in the finals!

301. We're gonna win $10,000. - Man, Cartman's gonna

302. be famous.

303. Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.

304. Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.

305. Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem.

306. Another Cosmo please.

307. All this time, why didn't you tell me, Father?

308. What the hell are you talking about, Eric?

309. It was you all along! You were with my mother

310. the night of the drunken barn dance.

311. Oh.

312. Garrison? That's impossible.

313. He's gay. - I am not gay!

314. Then you did sleep with my mom?

315. No. - He's gay!

316. Okay, okay, I admit it, I might've made love

317. to your mother at the drunken barn dance,

318. but who here didn't? - Oh.

319. Now, come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex

320. with Mrs. Cartman?

321. Ooh.

322. I haven't.

323. You don't count, halfie. You don't have any legs.

324. Oh, yeah.

325. So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father.

326. I'm afraid you're never going to know.

327. Don't feel too bad there, kid.

328. I never knew who my father was either.

329. I mean, I did know who he was, and, well,

330. we had some great times together,

331. and hunting and fishing, well, hell, you know what I mean.

332. Wait, wait, I know a way to find out.

333. How? - At my laboratory.

334. We can do DNA genetic testing.

335. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood

336. of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.

337. Really? You can?

338. Yes, of course. I mean, that much testing

339. will cost a pretty penny, but...

340. How much? - $3,000 should cover it.

341. I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind.

342. Dude, I can't wait to win that $10,000

343. on "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

344. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-kart ever.

345. I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.

346. Hey, guys. - How's it going, Cartman?

347. Oh, fine. How are you guys?

348. Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

349. Oh, nothing. It's just nothing.

350. Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?

351. Well, I wanted to know who my dad is, but,

352. to find out, they have to do these DNA tests,

353. and they cost $3,000, and I don't have $3,000.

354. Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.

355. Yeah, it sucks. I have to know

356. who my father is. I just have to.

357. Maybe I could work at in sweatshop for a while.

358. Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play

359. in my backyard for a while. - Uh, Cartman, we know

360. how you can get $3,000. - You do?

361. Yeah, we have a video tape that's in the finals

362. for "America's Stupidest Home Videos," and, if we win,

363. we'll give you $3,000 of our $10,000 prize.

364. You will? Wow, you guys are the best.

365. Thanks, you guys. - Uh, yeah.

366. And now back to "America's Stupidest Home Videos."

367. What kind of video did you guys make?

368. Uh, you'll see.

369. Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner.

370. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos.

371. First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."

372. Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.

373. Oh, but I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.

374. And now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."

375. Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants.

376. You are my best friend.

377. Oh, thank you, Eric.

378. Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.

379. We're sure to win, Cartman.

380. Then you get your DNA money. - I am so pissed off

381. right now. - They laughed hardest

382. at our video—we're gonna win. We're gonna win.

383. And finally, our third contestant,

384. "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."

385. Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.

386. Hmm, I wonder if I can get this go-kart started.

387. Oh, I hope I don't get hit by a train.

388. Oh, I sure did.

389. Oh, my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!

390. You bastards!

391. Now that's what I call a joy ride.

392. And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit

393. by a Train."

394. Dude, we lost! - Damn it!

395. I am going to kill you guys, seriously.

396. Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.

397. I won, I won! - Grandpa!

398. Our other finalists will have to settle

399. for their $3,000 runner-up prizes.

400. Well, see you next time.

401. Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3,000.

402. That's enough for you to do your DNA tests,

403. Kill you guys.

404. Kill you guys.

405. All right, from everyone's accounts,

406. I've narrowed down Eric's possible father

407. to the people in this room.

408. Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison,

409. Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski,

410. myself, my friend, Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

411. Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut,

412. but goddamn! - The test results

413. are in the envelope. Shall I open it?

414. Yes, for God's sake, get on with it!

415. The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.

416. The father is...

417. Who is Eric Cartman's father?

418. Is it Chief Running Water, or is it Chef?

419. Is it Mephesto?

420. Or that little monkey guy that follows him around?

421. Or is it Mr. Garrison?

422. No, he's gay. - You go to hell!

423. You go to hell, and you die!

424. - Is it Jimbo? - Ah!

425. Or is it Officer Barbrady?

426. Huh, where?

427. - Or could it be Ned? - Could be.

428. Or Mr. Broflovski?

429. Dad, how could you?

430. Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?

431. The answer is coming on an all-new "South Park"

432. in just four weeks.

433. What?

434. Son of a bitch.