1. Stan, you know it's
almost Valentine's Day.Copy !req
2. I know.Copy !req
3. Maybe we should go
on a cruise or something.Copy !req
4. I can't afford
a cruise, dude.Copy !req
5. I know, but we can make
a little boat out of cardboardCopy !req
6. and pretend it's a cruise!Copy !req
7. Shut up,
Cartman!Copy !req
8. That is
so lame!Copy !req
9. And then we could dress up
in little costumesCopy !req
10. and pretend
we're getting married.Copy !req
11. Stop this!Copy !req
12. You're killing me over here!Copy !req
13. Children, I have some
difficult news for you.Copy !req
14. Mr. Garrison won't be
teaching for a while.Copy !req
15. He has to
have surgery!Copy !req
16. So you're going to have
a substitute teacher!Copy !req
17. And I want you
to show the substituteCopy !req
18. the same respect
you show for Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
19. Yes, little boy?Copy !req
20. We don't have respect
for Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
21. Oh. Anyhoo, I want you all
to meet your new substitute,Copy !req
22. Miss Ellen.Copy !req
23. Hello, children.Copy !req
24. Whoa!
- Whoa!Copy !req
25. Wow, she's pretty.Copy !req
26. You can
say that again.Copy !req
27. Good luck, Miss Ellen.Copy !req
28. If they get out of control,Copy !req
29. just use this tear gas, okay?Copy !req
30. Thank you.Copy !req
31. I'm sure I'll be fine.Copy !req
32. Now, children, I know that you
must be very upsetCopy !req
33. about your teacher
having surgery,Copy !req
34. but I promise I'll try to make
things as easy as possibleCopy !req
35. for all of us.Copy !req
36. Stan?Copy !req
37. Stan!Copy !req
38. Now let me try
and learn your namesCopy !req
39. by your
seating assignments.Copy !req
40. You are
Eric Cartman?Copy !req
41. Yes, ma'am!Copy !req
42. Okay, and you must
be Stan Marsh!Copy !req
43. Do you need to go
to the nurse's office, Stanley?Copy !req
44. No, he always pukes
when he's in love.Copy !req
45. I'll kick your ass,
Cartman!Copy !req
46. So you're all right?Copy !req
47. Dude, you had waffles
for breakfast, huh?Copy !req
48. I have to admit
I'm still embarrassedCopy !req
49. about getting a nose job, Tom.Copy !req
50. I didn't want people
at school to know,Copy !req
51. so I told them
I had herpes.Copy !req
52. You shouldn't be
embarrassed, Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
53. People have cosmetic surgery
all the time.Copy !req
54. Before we start,
this computer can help youCopy !req
55. pick what kind of nose
you want.Copy !req
56. Wow!
Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?Copy !req
57. It sure is,
Mr. Garrison!Copy !req
58. Now, we could go with
something a little smaller,Copy !req
59. which would make you
look like this.Copy !req
60. Hmm...Copy !req
61. Or we could
straighten out the bridge,Copy !req
62. which would make you
look like this.Copy !req
63. Oh, that's
not bad.Copy !req
64. Of course, we could
narrow the bridge,Copy !req
65. which would make you
look more like this.Copy !req
66. Wow! That's it!Copy !req
67. That's the nose
I want!Copy !req
68. All righty, then.Copy !req
69. Now, I must warn you,
Mr. Garrison,Copy !req
70. that there
are risks.Copy !req
71. You could wind up a hideous,
foul, shadow of a creature,Copy !req
72. so terrifyingly uglyCopy !req
73. that you are forced
to live in the sewers,Copy !req
74. only emerging at night
to hunt for scraps of food.Copy !req
75. I can live with that.Copy !req
76. All righty, then,
let's get started!Copy !req
77. She wasn't looking at you,
butt-lord,Copy !req
78. she was looking at me!Copy !req
79. Well, that goes without
saying, fat-ass.Copy !req
80. How could she help
but look at you?Copy !req
81. You guys can stop fighting.
It was me she was checking out.Copy !req
82. Until you puked on her.Copy !req
83. Hello there, children.Copy !req
84. What's all this I'm hearing
about a new teacher?Copy !req
85. Miss Ellen, dude.
She's beautiful!Copy !req
86. Is she like
a Vanessa Williams beautiful,Copy !req
87. or a Toni Braxton
beautiful?Copy !req
88. Or Pamela Anderson
beautiful?Copy !req
89. Or is she Erin GrayCopy !req
90. in the second season
of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?Copy !req
91. Yeah, that one!
- Whoo!Copy !req
92. I gotta meet
this woman.Copy !req
93. Stan, didn't you notice
how her left armCopy !req
94. is longer
than the right one?Copy !req
95. No.
- Well, it is!Copy !req
96. That's okay,
you know what they sayCopy !req
97. about women with one arm
longer than the other.Copy !req
98. That's right.Copy !req
99. Well, did you notice that
mole on the back of her neckCopy !req
100. with the hair
growing out of it?Copy !req
101. That's okay,
you know what they sayCopy !req
102. about women with a mole
on the back of their necksCopy !req
103. with hair growin'
out of it.Copy !req
104. Stan, we're still
valentines, right?Copy !req
105. Sure, Wendy, whatever.Copy !req
106. Hey, we should buy Miss Ellen
Valentine's Day presents.Copy !req
107. Yeah, we'll go
to the mall tonight.Copy !req
108. I'm gonna buy her
a vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
109. Chicks like
vacuum cleaners!Copy !req
110. Oh, goodness.Copy !req
111. Would anybody mind cleaning
my erasers after class?Copy !req
112. Me, me, me, me,
me, me, me!Copy !req
113. You guys are
so immature!Copy !req
114. Act like
eight-year-olds!Copy !req
115. Stan,
how 'bout you?Copy !req
116. I'd love to!Copy !req
117. Now, children, let's review
our multiplication tables.Copy !req
118. Cartman?Copy !req
119. What's a multiplication
table?Copy !req
120. Didn't Mr. Garrison
teach multiplication?Copy !req
121. Well, where did he leave off?Copy !req
122. We were learning about
how Yasmine BleethCopy !req
123. is going out with
that Richard Grieco guyCopy !req
124. that used to be on
"21 Jump Street"Copy !req
125. but then he got his own show
for just a little while.Copy !req
126. Oh, hello.Copy !req
127. Can I help you?Copy !req
128. I'm Chef.
- And?Copy !req
129. I just, uh—
I stopped by 'cause little KyleCopy !req
130. forgot his laundry detergent
on the playground.Copy !req
131. My laundry detergent?
- That's not Kyle's—Copy !req
132. Shh! Crazy cracker's alwaysCopy !req
133. leavin' that detergent
all over the place.Copy !req
134. What was your
name again?Copy !req
135. Uh-oh, Chef's movin' in
on Miss Ellen.Copy !req
136. I'm the substitute.Copy !req
137. Well I'm sure there's
no substitute for you.Copy !req
138. That's very nice,
Mr. Chef.Copy !req
139. Now if
you're finished...Copy !req
140. Maybe tonight at 7:30 or
something, I can come by and...Copy !req
141. We've got to learn
how to do this, dude.Copy !req
142. Yep.
- That was enthralling,Copy !req
143. Mr. Chef, but could I get back
to teaching now?Copy !req
144. If we can have
dinner tonight.Copy !req
145. Fine, Chef.Copy !req
146. Just let me do my job
before I get fired.Copy !req
147. Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make
sweet love to Miss Ellen!Copy !req
148. What?Copy !req
149. Mr. Garrison,
Mr. Garrison!Copy !req
150. Where—where am I?Copy !req
151. The operation is over,
Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
152. Oh, I feel weak.
How do I look?Copy !req
153. You look great!Copy !req
154. I—I feel
kind of nauseous.Copy !req
155. Yes, well, that's
to be expected.Copy !req
156. We did some
major reconstruction,Copy !req
157. sawed through
some bone,Copy !req
158. snapped some
cartilage.Copy !req
159. All the blood and mucus,Copy !req
160. just the sound of bone
and sinew coming apart.Copy !req
161. Ohh...Copy !req
162. By the way, did you ever
see that movie "Contact"?Copy !req
163. Oh, stop,
that movie was terrible!Copy !req
164. Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Garrison,Copy !req
165. why don't you
get some rest?Copy !req
166. I'll check on you
a little later.Copy !req
167. I waited through
that entire movieCopy !req
168. to see the alien
and it was her goddamn father.Copy !req
169. Okay, kids,
remember your homework.Copy !req
170. We have a lot
of catching up to do.Copy !req
171. Good-bye,
Miss Ellen.Copy !req
172. Stop kissing ass,
Cartman!Copy !req
173. I'm not kissing ass,
you stupid slut!Copy !req
174. Miss Ellen,
can I talk to you?Copy !req
175. Of course,
Wendy.Copy !req
176. I couldn't help but notice
you taking a likingCopy !req
177. to my boyfriend Stan.Copy !req
178. Oh, well, I've taken a liking
to all of you.Copy !req
179. You're all so young and cute
and full of life.Copy !req
180. Can I tell you something,
Miss Ellen?Copy !req
181. Of course,
Wendy.Copy !req
182. Don't with me!Copy !req
183. What?
- You heard me!Copy !req
184. Stay away
from my man, bitch,Copy !req
185. or I'll whup your sorry ho ass
back to last year!Copy !req
186. Bye,
Miss Ellen!Copy !req
187. Well, I certainly
want to thankCopy !req
188. all you lovely childrenCopy !req
189. for the presents
you bought me!Copy !req
190. Oh, what
a delightful scarf!Copy !req
191. Thank you,
Kyle!Copy !req
192. Loser gift, loser gift!Copy !req
193. And here's one
from Kenny.Copy !req
194. Oh, thank you
very much, Kenny.Copy !req
195. This is a very
scrumptious-looking sausage.Copy !req
196. Oh, and what
a nice alarm clock.Copy !req
197. Thank you, Stan.Copy !req
198. And here's another present,
from Wendy.Copy !req
199. Oh, why, it's a dead animal.
Thank you, Wendy.Copy !req
200. See? She liked
my present the best!Copy !req
201. Where's your present,
Cartman?Copy !req
202. Well, I got Miss Ellen
a chocolate pie,Copy !req
203. but I, uh, left it
at home.Copy !req
204. Okay, kids.Copy !req
205. We're gonna take
a spelling test now.Copy !req
206. But as an extra incentive,
I'm gonna takeCopy !req
207. whoever gets the highest
score on the quizCopy !req
208. out to dinner.Copy !req
209. Aw, man, I wish
I knew how to spell!Copy !req
210. Are there any questions
before we begin?Copy !req
211. Yes, Wendy?Copy !req
212. When someone gets
as old as you,Copy !req
213. do they have to wear
Depends undergarments?Copy !req
214. Dude, I aced
that test!Copy !req
215. I'm gonna win that dinner
with Miss Ellen!Copy !req
216. No, you're not.
I don't think I missed any!Copy !req
217. Hi, Stan.Copy !req
218. I bet I scored a 100!Copy !req
219. Hi, Stan!Copy !req
220. Oh, hi, Wendy.Copy !req
221. I was just in
the bathroom,Copy !req
222. and Miss Ellen
was in thereCopy !req
223. taking the biggest dump
I've ever seen!Copy !req
224. No, she wasn't!Copy !req
225. Yes, she was!Copy !req
226. That's
impossible!Copy !req
227. Well, she did!Copy !req
228. And she has horrible,
horrible gas too!Copy !req
229. She says she can't control it!Copy !req
230. Nuh-uh!Copy !req
231. It smelled like a dead calf
rotting in the hot sun!Copy !req
232. Oh, cool!Copy !req
233. All right, Wendy, seriously,Copy !req
234. you need to stop with this
whole jealousy thing.Copy !req
235. Yeah, you're acting
like a freak, Wendy.Copy !req
236. No, I'm not
acting like a freak!Copy !req
237. Hey, man, someone's
gotta pull that monkeyCopy !req
238. out of Wendy's ass!Copy !req
239. Hello there, children.
- Oh, hey, Chef.Copy !req
240. How did your date
with Miss Ellen go?Copy !req
241. Not too good.
- What happened?Copy !req
242. Didn't you make
sweet love to her?Copy !req
243. No, no, no,
she's not like that.Copy !req
244. You see...
uh, how do I put this?Copy !req
245. Children,Copy !req
246. Miss Ellen doesn't
exactly playCopy !req
247. for the right team.Copy !req
248. In—in other words,
children,Copy !req
249. she's not a member
of the heterosexual persuasion.Copy !req
250. Don't you understand?
She's a lesbian.Copy !req
251. A what-bian?
- A plebeian?Copy !req
252. You boys don't know
what a lesbian is?Copy !req
253. Kenny?Copy !req
254. No, explain it to us, Chef.Copy !req
255. That's okay, uh, look—Copy !req
256. all you need
to know is,Copy !req
257. Miss Ellen's a lesbian,
and that meansCopy !req
258. she only likes
other lesbians.Copy !req
259. Oh.Copy !req
260. Now move along, children,Copy !req
261. you're holding up the line.Copy !req
262. Weak, dude.Copy !req
263. She only likes
other lesbians?Copy !req
264. Hey, man, if she only
likes other lesbians,Copy !req
265. then all we gotta do
is become lesbians too!Copy !req
266. Hey, yeah!Copy !req
267. Hey, guys, you know what?Copy !req
268. My grandma was Dutch-Irish,Copy !req
269. and my grandpa
was lesbian.Copy !req
270. That makes me quarter lesbian.Copy !req
271. You're just sayin' that,
Cartman.Copy !req
272. Yeah, you're not a lesbian,
fat-ass!Copy !req
273. I am too!Copy !req
274. Okay, only a few more
bandages to go.Copy !req
275. Well?Copy !req
276. Take a look
for yourself.Copy !req
277. Wow, that's a pretty
good nose job!Copy !req
278. What do you think,
Mr. Hat?Copy !req
279. I think it
looks great.Copy !req
280. Yes, I think once
the swelling goes down,Copy !req
281. you'll really notice
a difference.Copy !req
282. What the hell
are you doing, Cartman?Copy !req
283. My mom said if you want
to become a lesbianCopy !req
284. you have to lick carpet!
- Really?Copy !req
285. Well, I got a
Indi-glow Girls CD.Copy !req
286. The guy at the record store
said it was perfect.Copy !req
287. And I got these
killer Birkenstocks.Copy !req
288. This is a bunch of crap!Copy !req
289. I've been licking this carpet
for three hoursCopy !req
290. and I still don't
feel like a lesbian!Copy !req
291. Hi, Mrs. Kimball.Copy !req
292. Oh, how-dy,
Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
293. Say, honey, you look
kinda different.Copy !req
294. Really?Copy !req
295. Did you get
a haircut?Copy !req
296. No, but thanks
for asking.Copy !req
297. Call me...
I'm in the book!Copy !req
298. Wow, Mr. Hat,
having a nose jobCopy !req
299. is even better
than I thought.Copy !req
300. There's a whole world
of opportunityCopy !req
301. opening up
in front of us.Copy !req
302. Thanks for coming over,
Bebe.Copy !req
303. That's okay, Wendy,Copy !req
304. I brought my makeup kit
like you asked me.Copy !req
305. What are we doing, anyway?Copy !req
306. That mean old substitute
isn't gonna stopCopy !req
307. until she takes everything
from me, Bebe!Copy !req
308. Really?
- Yeah!Copy !req
309. What I'd really like to do
is load her into a rocketCopy !req
310. and have her shot into
the center of the Sun!Copy !req
311. But instead,Copy !req
312. I'll just get Stan
to notice me again.Copy !req
313. Bebe, I need a makeover!Copy !req
314. Oh, cool!Copy !req
315. I can't wait for
Miss Ellen to seeCopy !req
316. what a raging lesbian
I am!Copy !req
317. I'm a bigger
lesbian than you!Copy !req
318. No, you're a fatter lesbian
than me!Copy !req
319. Screw you guys,
I'm king lesbian!Copy !req
320. Whoa, is that
Wendy Testaburger?Copy !req
321. Hi, guys, what's up?Copy !req
322. Wow, Wendy looks just like
that chick from "Grease,"Copy !req
323. Elton John!Copy !req
324. Wow, hi, Wendy.Copy !req
325. Oh, hi, Stan.Copy !req
326. I think it
worked, Bebe!Copy !req
327. Yeah!Copy !req
328. Good morning,
children.Copy !req
329. Wow!Copy !req
330. Damn! Get down!Copy !req
331. Yeah!Copy !req
332. Oh, Wendy,Copy !req
333. you wore black
leather too!Copy !req
334. We're like sisters.Copy !req
335. Die!Copy !req
336. All right, kids,
I finished grading your papersCopy !req
337. and the person
with the highest score...Copy !req
338. Hello there,
children!Copy !req
339. Oh, no,
Mr. Garrison's back!Copy !req
340. Oh, weak, dude!Copy !req
341. Hooray, hooray!Copy !req
342. Hooray
for Mr. Garrison!Copy !req
343. So long, substitute!Copy !req
344. Don't let the door
hit your assCopy !req
345. on the way out, now!Copy !req
346. Children, I have a very
important announcement to make.Copy !req
347. I'm quitting my job
as a teacher.Copy !req
348. What?Copy !req
349. It's strange,
but suddenly I feelCopy !req
350. really confident about myself.Copy !req
351. And I've decided
to quit teachingCopy !req
352. and do what I've always
dreamed of doing:Copy !req
353. hang out
and screw hot chicks.Copy !req
354. You...
you can't!Copy !req
355. But the good news is,Copy !req
356. I've already talked to
Principal Victoria about it,Copy !req
357. and Miss Ellen
can stay onCopy !req
358. as your
permanent teacher.Copy !req
359. Really?Copy !req
360. That's right.
Will you stay?Copy !req
361. Well, sure!Copy !req
362. No!Copy !req
363. No!Copy !req
364. Oh, by the way, kids,Copy !req
365. the person who scored
highest on the quizCopy !req
366. and gets to have
dinner on me,Copy !req
367. is Stan.Copy !req
368. Kickass!Copy !req
369. No!Copy !req
370. No!Copy !req
371. Oh, and Wendy,
I almost forgot,Copy !req
372. we just got a call
in the office.Copy !req
373. Your grandma just died.Copy !req
374. Ooh, my,
what an exciting day!Copy !req
375. Great, baby,
you're lookin' great!Copy !req
376. I'm a lady killer,
Mr. Hat!Copy !req
377. You can say that again,
Mr. Garrison!Copy !req
378. Okay, just a few hundred
more shots,Copy !req
379. and we'll be done.Copy !req
380. A few hundred?Copy !req
381. Hey, that's the life
of a model, baby!Copy !req
382. Oh, boy, I'm gonna
need some more smack!Copy !req
383. You got it!Copy !req
384. I'm very glad we could
have dinner together, Stanley.Copy !req
385. I want you to knowCopy !req
386. that I really care
about your education.Copy !req
387. Are we making love now?Copy !req
388. Excuse me?Copy !req
389. They don't have
a fireplace here.Copy !req
390. We shouldn't be
making love yet.Copy !req
391. What are you talking about?Copy !req
392. You have to make love
down by the fire,Copy !req
393. that's what Chef always says.Copy !req
394. Stan, I'm your teacher, okay?Copy !req
395. We're only friends.Copy !req
396. But why?Copy !req
397. Well, first of all,
you're eight.Copy !req
398. It's because I'm not
a lesbian, isn't it?Copy !req
399. Oh, boy.Copy !req
400. It's over.Copy !req
401. I give up.Copy !req
402. Boy, I'll tell you
something, Mr. Hat,Copy !req
403. being hot and sexy
is fun for a while,Copy !req
404. but it sure does
get boring.Copy !req
405. You can say that again,
Mr. Garrison.Copy !req
406. What the...Copy !req
407. Whoa!
Hey, wait, wait!Copy !req
408. Ahh!Copy !req
409. Mr. Hat,
save yourself!Copy !req
410. So how'd your date
with Miss Ellen go?Copy !req
411. Did you
make love?Copy !req
412. I think so.Copy !req
413. No way!
- Yep!Copy !req
414. Down by the fire?
- Yep!Copy !req
415. Did I what?Copy !req
416. Good morning, children.Copy !req
417. Miss Ellen,
can I talk to you?Copy !req
418. Sure, but can it wait
till after class, Wendy?Copy !req
419. No, I just have
to apologizeCopy !req
420. for the way
I've been acting.Copy !req
421. Oh, that's okay,
Wendy.Copy !req
422. No, it's not.Copy !req
423. Since you're
here to stay,Copy !req
424. I just hope
we can be friends.Copy !req
425. Well, I would love that,
Wendy.Copy !req
426. And...Copy !req
427. I want to apologize
to everybody.Copy !req
428. The way I acted
was wrong,Copy !req
429. and I've learned from it.Copy !req
430. I just wish Stan
and Miss EllenCopy !req
431. would have all the happiness
in the world.Copy !req
432. Wendy, there's nothing
between me and Stan.Copy !req
433. That's not what
we just heard!Copy !req
434. Oh, Mr. Hat,
I hate this!Copy !req
435. I wish I'd never had
a nose job!Copy !req
436. Damn this beautiful face
of mine!Copy !req
437. Damn it to hell!Copy !req
438. We have to get
the surgery again, Mr. Hat.Copy !req
439. I wanna be the old me again!Copy !req
440. Okay, children,
let's catch upCopy !req
441. on our cursive handwriting.Copy !req
442. Down, down,
everybody down!Copy !req
443. What the hell?Copy !req
444. So we meet again
Miss Ellen.Copy !req
445. And just what is
going on here, mister?Copy !req
446. I am Hakeem KorashkiCopy !req
447. of the mighty nation
of Iraq.Copy !req
448. This woman is a traitor
to our government.Copy !req
449. It's a lie!Copy !req
450. She has killed thousandsCopy !req
451. and will kill again,
I assure you.Copy !req
452. Miss Ellen, is this true?
- No!Copy !req
453. We must take her back
to Iraq immediately!Copy !req
454. Oh, cool!Copy !req
455. Principal Victoria,
please!Copy !req
456. Here is a black-and-white
photo of Miss EllenCopy !req
457. with our leader!Copy !req
458. Her real name is
Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.Copy !req
459. Well, Miss Makaraqesh,Copy !req
460. you certainly tried to
put one over on us, boy howdy!Copy !req
461. Take her away!Copy !req
462. No, get away
from me!Copy !req
463. Oh, my God,
she killed Kenny!Copy !req
464. You bastard!Copy !req
465. No!Copy !req
466. Wow,
what incredible irony.Copy !req
467. Wow, I can't believeCopy !req
468. Miss Ellen was a criminal
Iraqi fugitive!Copy !req
469. Yeah, you just never know.Copy !req
470. Well, I guess
I'm sorryCopy !req
471. that I was ignoring you
and stuff.Copy !req
472. Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.Copy !req
473. Eww!Copy !req
474. Sorry.
- No, it's okay, Stan!Copy !req
475. Everything's going
to be okay.Copy !req
476. Cartman, are you still trying
to become a lesbian?Copy !req
477. Yeah, dude, my mom says
all I have to doCopy !req
478. is chow on this box.Copy !req
479. For crimes against
this country,Copy !req
480. you are hereby
sentenced to beCopy !req
481. shot into
the center of the Sun!Copy !req
482. This is all
a mistake!Copy !req
483. This can't
be happening!Copy !req
484. Please!Copy !req
485. For the love of God!Copy !req
486. Shut up!Copy !req
487. Great party, Wendy!Copy !req
488. Thanks, Mrs. Kimball.Copy !req
489. Thanks for helping meCopy !req
490. to get Mr. Garrison
to come back as a teacher.Copy !req
491. Anything for you,
sugar-pie.Copy !req
492. Oh, hi, Kyle.Copy !req
493. I've been thinking, Wendy,Copy !req
494. this whole outcome
is pretty strange.Copy !req
495. Uh, excuse me.Copy !req
496. How is it that Miss Ellen was
suddenly arrested for being—Copy !req
497. Wait, wait! Shh, shh!Copy !req
498. It's time to whip out
the eclipse shoeboxes!Copy !req
499. Bye-bye, Miss Ellen.Copy !req
500. Wendy...
you didn't!Copy !req
501. I told her...Copy !req
502. don't
with Wendy Testaburger!Copy !req