1. Morning, Randy.Copy !req
2. Morning, Ger.Copy !req
3. Just another day
in paradise, huh?Copy !req
4. Yeah, look at all these
new restaurantsCopy !req
5. the Whole Foods
has brought in.Copy !req
6. Let's try out
that one there.Copy !req
7. Hi.
Two of us, please.Copy !req
8. Yeah, sorry, guys.
We got about a 30-minute wait.Copy !req
9. Oh, uh, excuse me.Copy !req
10. Yes, sir. Give me a second.
I'll have a table right away.Copy !req
11. Whoa.
What'd you say to him?Copy !req
12. I just told him who I am.Copy !req
13. Who are you?Copy !req
14. I'm a Yelp reviewer.Copy !req
15. I usually keep it
on the down-lowCopy !req
16. so they don't kiss my ass
too much.Copy !req
17. Right over here, sir.Copy !req
18. All right, guys,
welcome to Vernacular.Copy !req
19. Thanks. Uh, did they mention
to you that I am a Yelper?Copy !req
20. Yes,
we've been alerted, sir.Copy !req
21. Great.Copy !req
22. Could you have them turn
the lights up a little, please?Copy !req
23. Oh, look at it, Gerald —
all the new families moving in.Copy !req
24. Our little town
is all grown up.Copy !req
25. Where's that other taco plate?
We need it now!Copy !req
26. I'm a little overwhelmed.Copy !req
27. I know,
but we put everythingCopy !req
28. into moving here
and starting this business,Copy !req
29. and we have to be impressive.Copy !req
30. David, you must help your mama
however you can.Copy !req
31. We're not going back
to that miserable place.Copy !req
32. I don't want to go back,
either.Copy !req
33. - Okay, done.
- Great!Copy !req
34. We really have to impress
this customer.Copy !req
35. He's a local food critic.Copy !req
36. Another one?Copy !req
37. Mmm. Hmm.Copy !req
38. Okay,
here you go, amigo —Copy !req
39. another taco plate
and the taquitos.Copy !req
40. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
41. And did I mention I am
a food critic for Yelp?Copy !req
42. Yes, you mentioned that
several times.Copy !req
43. Okay, I just didn't want you
caught off guard.Copy !req
44. I was thinking of giving
this place five stars.Copy !req
45. Really?Copy !req
46. Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering
on five stars or one star.Copy !req
47. Oh, no, no.
No one star, please.Copy !req
48. What can we do to —Copy !req
49. I mean, I could probably
be persuadedCopy !req
50. with some free desserts.Copy !req
51. Let me get that for you.Copy !req
52. Great. And could you turn down
the music a bit?Copy !req
53. This pagan shit
hurts my ears.Copy !req
54. Of course.Copy !req
55. Oh, hey. Hey, busboy.Copy !req
56. Busboy! Busboy!
Por favor!Copy !req
57. - Busboy!
- My name is David.Copy !req
58. Excuse me?Copy !req
59. I said my name is David.Copy !req
60. Uh, it's actually pronounced
"Day-vid," okay?Copy !req
61. Well, I'm "Da-veed."Copy !req
62. It's David, dude.
Look it up.Copy !req
63. What's going on?Copy !req
64. Do not argue, son.
We need him.Copy !req
65. There you are —
a few free desserts.Copy !req
66. Oh, excuse me. More customers.Copy !req
67. Hi.
Two of us for lunch, please.Copy !req
68. Yes.
Right away.Copy !req
69. Oh, and, uh,
I just wanted to mentionCopy !req
70. that my wife and I
are Yelp reviewers,Copy !req
71. so, uh,
your best table, please.Copy !req
72. Oh, geez.
You guys, too, huh?Copy !req
73. Okay, um, I'll get you set up
right over here, okay?Copy !req
74. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
75. Hmm.
This place seems nice.Copy !req
76. I guess we'll see.Copy !req
77. I guess we'll see,
won't we?Copy !req
78. Oh, God. Now everyone thinks
they're a food critic.Copy !req
79. Did you get them?
Did you get them?Copy !req
80. - Did you get them? Huh?
- Here you go.Copy !req
81. Whoa.Copy !req
82. Crispy risotto bites
from Olive Garden.Copy !req
83. How do you do it, Eric?Copy !req
84. I'm a restaurant critic,
Butters.Copy !req
85. I get whatever I want.Copy !req
86. Geez!Copy !req
87. So the cafeteria's
back that way,Copy !req
88. and most of the classrooms
are this way down the —Copy !req
89. Ew! What's the busboy
doing here?Copy !req
90. David is new
to our school.Copy !req
91. Oh, cool.Copy !req
92. Are you gonna clean
the tables here, too?Copy !req
93. How do you get to school?
Do you ride your tiny bicicleta?Copy !req
94. - Huh?
- Shut up.Copy !req
95. Look, amigo, I'm sorryCopy !req
96. I only gave your parents'
restaurant two stars,Copy !req
97. but it could've been worse.Copy !req
98. Why'd you only give them
two stars?Copy !req
99. I'm sorry, but the food
totally messed my stomach up.Copy !req
100. The morning after I ate it,
I went to the bathroom,Copy !req
101. and my poop was all solid —
like, no water at all.Copy !req
102. It's not supposed
to have water, you —Copy !req
103. It was like
this one, solid pieceCopy !req
104. that I had to push
out my asshole.Copy !req
105. It was like being raped
from the inside.Copy !req
106. Your parents' restaurantCopy !req
107. just wasn't up to my standards,
"Day-vid."Copy !req
108. - "Da-veed."
- "Day-vid."Copy !req
109. "Da-veed."Copy !req
110. - "Day-vid."
- "Da-veed."Copy !req
111. "Day-vid,"Day-vid,"
"Day-vid,"Day-vid"!Copy !req
112. I can update this to a one-star
review in two seconds, dude.Copy !req
113. Oh, God, I love being
a restaurant critic.Copy !req
114. And yet there was more.Copy !req
115. For in this crisp time
when autumn begins to fade,Copy !req
116. the chef brines chicken
in habañeroCopy !req
117. and even adds habañero powder
to the crust.Copy !req
118. But the heat is restrained.Copy !req
119. You experience the fruity,
delicious flavor of thisCopy !req
120. without any spicy pain.Copy !req
121. I don't need any more pain.Copy !req
122. Hell, does anyone?Copy !req
123. Gerald,
we're going to the park.Copy !req
124. - You want to come along?
- Sorry, honey.Copy !req
125. This review for Applebee's
has turned into a 50-pager.Copy !req
126. Then I have a polish
on Ruby Tuesday's.Copy !req
127. Why don't you take a break
from Yelping, Gerald?Copy !req
128. You seem
a little overwhelmed.Copy !req
129. I am overwhelmed.Copy !req
130. Sometimes I don't know
what I've gotten myself into.Copy !req
131. But now everyone relies
on my Yelp reviews,Copy !req
132. and I-I don't want
to let anyone down.Copy !req
133. Well, there's chicken in
the fridge if you get hungry.Copy !req
134. Thanks, but I-I got to YelpCopy !req
135. a new place
in Shi Tpa Town tonight.Copy !req
136. God, I'm so damn tired.Copy !req
137. Okay, have fun.Copy !req
138. Ha.
"Fun," she says.Copy !req
139. In finality, I would sayCopy !req
140. my experience at Applebee's
was sublimeCopy !req
141. and my treatment near that of
a gladiator most decorated.Copy !req
142. But the street parking
wasn't that great.Copy !req
143. Two-and-a-half stars.Copy !req
144. Yes.Copy !req
145. Come on, Liza.Copy !req
146. I'll introduce you
to the girls.Copy !req
147. Well, aren't you
eating lunch, Eric?Copy !req
148. I am a food critic,
Butters, okay?Copy !req
149. I can't just eat
cafeteria food.Copy !req
150. Okay, here you are, sir!Copy !req
151. There's
orange peel chicken,Copy !req
152. some chitty beef,
and a chitty egg roll!Copy !req
153. Are you joking?Copy !req
154. Well,
you are a little late.Copy !req
155. Like, I don't know,
maybe only-one-star late.Copy !req
156. Oh, no.
No one star, please.Copy !req
157. You Yelpers are killing me!Copy !req
158. Okay, you no pay.
You no pay. Please.Copy !req
159. Sounds good.
Now get the fuck out of here.Copy !req
160. Yes, yes!
I'll get the fuck out!Copy !req
161. Thank you!Copy !req
162. Wow. Well, you're pretty
important, Eric.Copy !req
163. He's not important at all.Copy !req
164. Yeah, no.Copy !req
165. No, no, you're right, Kyle.
I'm not important.Copy !req
166. Oh, hey, David,
I was just wondering.Copy !req
167. Um, how do you get
to school?Copy !req
168. Do you ride
your tiny bicicleta? Eh?Copy !req
169. - Stop it.
- What?Copy !req
170. I just want to hear him say,Copy !req
171. "Si, me ride mi tiny bicicleta
to school."Copy !req
172. Si, me ride mi tiny
bicicleta to school.Copy !req
173. That's awesome.Copy !req
174. I'm gonna go out
to recess.Copy !req
175. Will you bus this for me,
David? Thanks.Copy !req
176. Ah, don't.
Dude — Dude, don't.Copy !req
177. Sir, it's midnight.Copy !req
178. Go home.
Get some sleep.Copy !req
179. There's no time to sleep when
the city's counting on me.Copy !req
180. More Yelp reviews, sir?Copy !req
181. I had a bad experience
at Red Lobster,Copy !req
182. and if the people don't
know about it, they could, too.Copy !req
183. Folks deserve to know
where to eat, Mitch.Copy !req
184. But does anyone
even thank you for it?Copy !req
185. I don't need them to.Copy !req
186. I know they need me,
and that's enough.Copy !req
187. God bless you, sir.Copy !req
188. I know.Copy !req
189. Welcome
to Whistlin' Willy's.Copy !req
190. Y'all enjoying
Your pizza?Copy !req
191. Look here,
my good man.Copy !req
192. We've been waiting
over 15 minutesCopy !req
193. for you to sing
"Happy Birthday" to our son.Copy !req
194. Unfortunately for you,Copy !req
195. we are both restaurant critics,
and so is our son.Copy !req
196. One star!Copy !req
197. Excuse me! Emergency!
Over here! Emergency!Copy !req
198. I would like a table
inside the areaCopy !req
199. with all the little
plastic balls, please.Copy !req
200. And make it snappy.
I am a food critic for Yelp.Copy !req
201. That does it!
I've had enough!Copy !req
202. All you Yelp reviewers
get the hell out of here!Copy !req
203. I don't care what happens
to my business!Copy !req
204. I ain't kissing your asses
no more!Copy !req
205. Go on.Copy !req
206. Every Yelper,
get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
207. Careful now, Bill.Copy !req
208. You don't want
a one-star review.Copy !req
209. You're not a food critic,
Dennis!Copy !req
210. You're a fucking mechanic!Copy !req
211. Now get the fuck out!
Go on!Copy !req
212. All you Yelping sons of bitches
get the fuck out of here!Copy !req
213. You're gonna regret this,
Whistlin' Willy.Copy !req
214. You can't treat Yelpers
this way.Copy !req
215. You get the —
get the fuck out!Copy !req
216. Ow!Copy !req
217. Well, good for you.Copy !req
218. - You, too, you son of a bitch.
- Whoa! Hey!Copy !req
219. It's over! It's over!Copy !req
220. You see paper?
It's over!Copy !req
221. Whistlin' Willy!
He stand up to the Yelpers!Copy !req
222. We don't have to kiss
their asses anymore!Copy !req
223. Look!
Everybody doing the same!Copy !req
224. It's over! It's over!
Hey, Skeeter, you hear the news?Copy !req
225. It's a miracle.Copy !req
226. It's a miracle!Copy !req
227. What the fuck?Copy !req
228. Uh, dude, somebody spilled shit
on the floor.Copy !req
229. Hey, David,
somebody spilled something here.Copy !req
230. Could you clean this up,
por favor?Copy !req
231. David?Copy !req
232. Over here.
There's some shit on the floor.Copy !req
233. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on, man?Copy !req
234. You haven't heard?Copy !req
235. Nobody gives a fuck what
Yelp reviewers think anymore.Copy !req
236. What are you talking about?Copy !req
237. I'm the most influential critic
in this town.Copy !req
238. Okay, David,
forget the spill.Copy !req
239. Just give me one little,
"My name is David.Copy !req
240. Me ride mi bicicleta
to school."Copy !req
241. My name is "Da-veed."Copy !req
242. Ha!Copy !req
243. Okay, I'm —
I'm updating my review.Copy !req
244. I'm about to do it.Copy !req
245. You better say,
"I ride mi bicicleta to school!"Copy !req
246. One star.Copy !req
247. No — No stars?Copy !req
248. No stars?Copy !req
249. You can't just treat me
like I'm nothing.Copy !req
250. I still know
I'm worth something.Copy !req
251. Come on, guys.Copy !req
252. Oh, yeah.
Y-You guys stay at school.Copy !req
253. That's cool.
Y-You guys stay here.Copy !req
254. Oh, hey, Eric.Copy !req
255. It's all over, Butters.Copy !req
256. Everything I've worked
so hard to achieve.Copy !req
257. All these
hack, wannabe food criticsCopy !req
258. have made my profession
a joke.Copy !req
259. Aw, I'm sorry, bud.Copy !req
260. All these people
trying to be like me.Copy !req
261. And they don't even write about
poop consistency the next day.Copy !req
262. Well, Eric, you should be proud
that people want to be like you.Copy !req
263. I mean, you really
started something.Copy !req
264. I guess.Copy !req
265. Well, if these people
look up to you,Copy !req
266. maybe — maybe you can sort of
set the record straightCopy !req
267. and show them the way
it's supposed to be done.Copy !req
268. You're right, Butters.Copy !req
269. Maybe I can actually use
all these people somehowCopy !req
270. to make real food critics
respected again.Copy !req
271. Harrison Yates,
what's gotten into you?Copy !req
272. That's it, Maggie.
I'm hanging it up.Copy !req
273. If people are gonna be trying
all the new restaurants in town,Copy !req
274. they'll have to do it
without my reviews.Copy !req
275. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
276. You said that protecting people
from bad dining experiencesCopy !req
277. was what kept you going.Copy !req
278. The restaurants put up signs
saying I can't come in.Copy !req
279. I don't know why
they singled me out,Copy !req
280. but it's like people
don't need me.Copy !req
281. Well, I'll be damned.Copy !req
282. What is it?Copy !req
283. Somebody's put a note
in the mailboxCopy !req
284. asking me to come
and talk to them.Copy !req
285. They do need me.Copy !req
286. I need to get going.Copy !req
287. You want me
to come along?Copy !req
288. No. They're just
asking for me.Copy !req
289. I guess maybe I do have
a town to protect.Copy !req
290. Oh, are you having
a party, sweetheart?Copy !req
291. Not a party, Mom.Copy !req
292. I've invited all
the poseur food criticsCopy !req
293. over for a meeting.Copy !req
294. Oh, how fun.Copy !req
295. It's not fun.
It's serious.Copy !req
296. These people think
they can do what I do,Copy !req
297. but they need to be made
to understand the reality.Copy !req
298. When the Yelpers get here,
I need you to get lost, okay?Copy !req
299. Okay, that's them, that's them.
Go! Get lost, Mom!Copy !req
300. Hello! Hi!Copy !req
301. I'm here for the meeting.Copy !req
302. Is this
the right place?Copy !req
303. Fu-u-ck.Copy !req
304. Mom!Copy !req
305. I'm going, honey.Copy !req
306. Mom, there's like
a billion people here!Copy !req
307. Oh, yes, sweetie.Copy !req
308. I think quite a few people
are Yelp reviewers.Copy !req
309. Oh, this many people
have nothing better to doCopy !req
310. than write reviews on Yelp?Copy !req
311. I guess so, honey.
Do you need more lemonade?Copy !req
312. Mom, there's a fucking
billion people here!Copy !req
313. Uh, thank you all for coming.Copy !req
314. My name is Eric,
and as you know,Copy !req
315. us Yelpers are being
scrutinized.Copy !req
316. Can't you
speak a little louder?Copy !req
317. Yes, us Yelp critics
are being scrutinized!Copy !req
318. - That's right!
- Yeah!Copy !req
319. Now, you see the problem is that
when there's too many reviewers,Copy !req
320. people no longer know
who is the real food critic.Copy !req
321. It's great that you all
want to be critics,Copy !req
322. but we all know who the real
food analyst of the town is.Copy !req
323. - That's right!
- That's right!Copy !req
324. Yeah!Copy !req
325. Oh! Oh, thanks.Copy !req
326. Okay, so, as long as there is
one clear leader,Copy !req
327. then the rest of you
can just follow.Copy !req
328. And with this many people
all following one captain,Copy !req
329. we can fight to get
our power back!Copy !req
330. Power back!Copy !req
331. So now rise up,
and fight for your leader!Copy !req
332. Fight together,Copy !req
333. and show the restaurants that
our food critic does matter!Copy !req
334. Yeah, let's go!Copy !req
335. All right, follow me!Copy !req
336. This way, everyone!Copy !req
337. Another local business
is closing its doors tonightCopy !req
338. after being taken down
by Yelp reviewers.Copy !req
339. Whistlin' Willy's,
a child favorite in town,Copy !req
340. was destroyed and its owner
stripped and beheaded.Copy !req
341. The following video is graphic.Copy !req
342. No, please!
No, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
343. We all loved
Whistlin' Willy's.Copy !req
344. It didn't do well with Yelpers.Copy !req
345. You assholes destroyed
the best place in townCopy !req
346. because they wouldn't
kiss your asses!Copy !req
347. Oh, come on, admit it —
The food sucked.Copy !req
348. Nobody went for
the fucking food!Copy !req
349. Look, I'm sorry guys,Copy !req
350. but Whistlin' Willy failed
to recognize the influenceCopy !req
351. someone like me
has on their business.Copy !req
352. Now I just have one question
for you, David.Copy !req
353. Do you rideCopy !req
354. your teeny, tiny bicicleta
to school?Copy !req
355. Si. Me ride mi teeny
bicicleta to school.Copy !req
356. You're done.Copy !req
357. Yeah, I'm done!Copy !req
358. I'm now the leader
of thousands of people!Copy !req
359. They all hang
on my every word.Copy !req
360. And I'm gonna use my power
to finally getCopy !req
361. what this town really needs.Copy !req
362. I found the waitstaff
at Red Lobster to be rudeCopy !req
363. and barely even acknowledging
who I wasCopy !req
364. or what I meant to this city.Copy !req
365. Gerald, I'm taking Ike
to clown school.Copy !req
366. You care to join us?Copy !req
367. I can't, honey.Copy !req
368. I'm now the leader
of thousands of people.Copy !req
369. They all hang on my every word.Copy !req
370. And I'm going to use my powerCopy !req
371. to finally get what this town
really needs.Copy !req
372. For the fifth day in a row,Copy !req
373. historic Shi Tpa Town is
under siege by Yelp reviewers.Copy !req
374. The restaurants are still
refusing to be intimidated,Copy !req
375. and the Yelp reviewers are...Copy !req
376. and the Yelp reviewers
are preparing for all-out war.Copy !req
377. The angry Yelp reviewers
are demanding special treatmentCopy !req
378. at all city restaurants.Copy !req
379. They claim that
as local food critics,Copy !req
380. they deserve respect and that
all who oppose them will suffer.Copy !req
381. The online restaurant critics
are getting readyCopy !req
382. to bring businesses
to their knees,Copy !req
383. and some are already
closing their doors.Copy !req
384. One local restaurant worker
actually called outCopy !req
385. the Yelp critics' leader.Copy !req
386. I guess you win, huh, big shot?Copy !req
387. If you really are
any kind of important anybody,Copy !req
388. then get your bullshit
food-critic assCopy !req
389. to the south of town
and face me,Copy !req
390. because you aren't
a food critic,Copy !req
391. and you aren't important!Copy !req
392. And unless you're a chicken,
I'll see you south of town.Copy !req
393. Where you going, sir?Copy !req
394. You heard him.Copy !req
395. Little Mexican kid
called me out.Copy !req
396. He wants to fight me,
that's fine.Copy !req
397. You need backup, sir?Copy !req
398. No. He's just
calling me out.Copy !req
399. - God bless you, sir.
- I know!Copy !req
400. David! Dude, wait!Copy !req
401. Dude, you don't
want to do this.Copy !req
402. You don't know what
Cartman's capable of.Copy !req
403. Where I come from, we settle
things with our fists.Copy !req
404. But this isn't Mexico.Copy !req
405. I'm not from Mexico,
dude!Copy !req
406. I'm from Idaho!Copy !req
407. I'm gonna show this prick
how we do things in Boise.Copy !req
408. Oh, hello, David!Copy !req
409. All right,
you've got your army.Copy !req
410. You've got your followers.Copy !req
411. If you're such
a great leader,Copy !req
412. then just tell the city
what you want, fat-ass!Copy !req
413. Don't call me fat, son.Copy !req
414. I'm doing this because —Copy !req
415. What I want is to be able
to lead these fine peopleCopy !req
416. with the respect
and the dignity —Copy !req
417. I didn't ask to be the leader.
I was appointed!Copy !req
418. You see, I'm extremely important
to this town, and I'm not —Copy !req
419. My journey
as this town's food —Copy !req
420. You've made these people
feel unwanted,Copy !req
421. and now they look to me
for answers.Copy !req
422. Now here I stand,
vulnerable, afraid,Copy !req
423. and yet willing to do
what the people of this —Copy !req
424. And so we said
to hell with it!Copy !req
425. And we took the challenge to
go from the town's food criticsCopy !req
426. to the town's
spiritual leaders.Copy !req
427. What do we want?Copy !req
428. People would say,
"Oh, you're just a food blogger.Copy !req
429. You're just a tiny voice
in the crowd."Copy !req
430. Well, now my voice is heard,
and I will —Copy !req
431. wanted special privileges,Copy !req
432. but these people think
I should have them.Copy !req
433. Right, guys?Copy !req
434. Maybe I don't deserve
special treatment,Copy !req
435. but how else can I be
the elite food critic they want?Copy !req
436. Every person here thinks
this is about them.Copy !req
437. I think I know
what to do.Copy !req
438. Yeah. Me, too.Copy !req
439. And for all your service
to this community,Copy !req
440. we want to once and for all
declare youCopy !req
441. our most elite food critic.Copy !req
442. To distinguish you, we present
to you the golden badge.Copy !req
443. Wearing this badge means
you will always getCopy !req
444. the special treatment
that you deserve.Copy !req
445. Thank you, Mayor.Copy !req
446. It's a big responsibility,
but I suppose I have to accept.Copy !req
447. I will do my best
to serve this town.Copy !req
448. We know you will.Copy !req
449. Okay, bring in the next one.Copy !req
450. Mr. Davis, you have
proven yourself a leader.Copy !req
451. And for all your service
to this community,Copy !req
452. we want to once and for all
declare youCopy !req
453. our most elite food critic.Copy !req
454. To distinguish you,
we present the golden badge.Copy !req
455. Wow!Copy !req
456. Wearing this badge
means you will always getCopy !req
457. the special treatment
you deserve.Copy !req
458. All right, we got
all the restaurantsCopy !req
459. to agree to let the Yelpers in
and make them feel special.Copy !req
460. How did you do it, son?Copy !req
461. Ah, yes.
The steak, please.Copy !req
462. I'm the, uh, Yelp elite.Copy !req
463. All right, we got a Yelper.
Give it that special attention.Copy !req
464. You got it!Copy !req
465. What's that spice that feels
tangy on my tongue?Copy !req
466. Oh, that's
a yuzu pepper...Copy !req
467. along with
some boogers and cum.Copy !req
468. Here you are, sir.Copy !req
469. Thank you, David.
That's good service.Copy !req
470. I will bring you food
every day, my friend.Copy !req
471. Mmm, is that
a jalapeño cream sauce?Copy !req
472. Yes. My father made it
just for you.Copy !req
473. Mmm.
It's tart, but savory.Copy !req
474. Your stomach seems to be
filled with boogers and cum.Copy !req