South Park 19x2

1. Now, last week we were all reminded

2. that intolerance still exists in our country.

3. It took a very special young student

4. to light up social media,

5. and we've invited him to the White House today

6. to show our appreciation.

7. Because never have there been more tolerant, more moving words

8. than Kyle Broflovski's speech about his hero, Caitlyn Jenner.

9. Come on up here, Kyle.

10. You see? There! This is why it's happening.

11. Everyone's preaching openness and acceptance,

12. and so now millions of goddamn immigrants

13. are coming over the border, and nobody seems to care!

14. But what are you gonna do?

15. In today's world, it's like you can't even say

16. anything negative about illegal immigrants.

17. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!

18. Did somebody over here say "illegal immigrants"?

19. Because the correct term is "undocumented immigrants,"

20. all right, bro?

21. It's like nobody cares!

22. And they just keep coming,

23. crossing the border with their dirty families,

24. playing their stupid music.

25. I mean, look at 'em!

26. I'll bet not one of them is here legally.

27. - All right, guy! - Hey, buddy.

28. - Hey, buddy. - Hey, what's going on, friend?

29. Hey, buddy, another Moosehead, eh?

30. We should have put up a goddamn wall.

31. But wait. There's still more.

32. Because this country was built on dreamers.

33. And, Kyle, we want to make your dreams come true.

34. And so here is your hero, Caitlyn Jenner.

35. I just want to say thank you, Kyle,

36. for your beautiful words of support.

37. Now, Kyle, we got another little surprise for you.

38. We told you we were flying you back home,

39. but the truth is,

40. you're getting a ride back all the way with your hero.

41. How do you like that?

42. Buckle up, buckaroo.

43. Okay, children, let's take our seats.

44. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided

45. to let anyone who wants to

46. cross the border and screw up our country.

47. I know you're all pissed off as I am,

48. so why don't we begin today's lesson

49. on why the once-great empire of Rome fell to shit.

50. Huh? Who can tell me why Rome fell to shit?

51. No, somebody who matters.

52. All right, fine. In the orange shirt.

53. The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing several issues, guy.

54. As it reached a new millennium, friend —

55. Oh, speak in English!

56. You see, what happened is that these immigrants

57. called the Goths were welcomed into Roman territories

58. because some people felt bad for them.

59. And then the Goths suddenly decided

60. they were being oppressed, you see?

61. And so then —

62. What the hell are you doing?

63. It's 8:00 a.m., guy.

64. That's it!

65. Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?

66. You really think you can refer to an undocumented immigrant

67. As a "Canuck"?

68. P.C. Principal, they got up in the middle of my lecture

69. and started playing music.

70. So did you forget that at 8:00 and 11:00,

71. all Canadians face east and play Chuck Mangione,

72. or did you not care to find out about their religious customs?

73. They — They don't even speak English.

74. Then you need to be teaching in both languages from now on.

75. Mackey, sign the faculty up for Canadian-language night classes.

76. What?

77. Yes, P.C. Principal! R-Right away! M'kay.

78. You're on thin ice, Garrison.

79. Get in line, or you'll be out of a job, bro.

80. What are they doing now?

81. Well, they're all eating together and praying.

82. And they're putting syrup on their mac and cheese.

83. Ugh! So weird.

84. There's just so many of them.

85. You guys, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy.

86. - What do you mean? - Think about what happened.

87. America has pretty secure borders for years.

88. Kyle gives a big speech about tolerance and acceptance

89. that goes viral.

90. A bunch of Canadians cross the border illegally.

91. Kyle's brother is Canadian.

92. What if Kyle knowingly gave that speech

93. to get all the illegals in?

94. I'm sitting right here.

95. And he's sitting right here.

96. You really think just my speech

97. brought on a wave of illegal immigration?

98. You did kind of go overboard, dude.

99. What?

100. It's just, I know you like giving speeches and stuff,

101. but not everything is black and white.

102. Yeah, I mean, it's fine

103. you want to go preach about Caitlyn Jenner,

104. but you can't just make blanket statements

105. about letting anyone do whatever they want.

106. I didn't even want to give that speech!

107. Yeah, yeah. This is interesting.

108. Have you guys read Genesis 34?

109. - Unh-unh. - Well, it's intriguing.

110. Because in Genesis 34, the Jews actually did

111. something similar to what Kyle's doing now.

112. I'm not responsible for this.

113. Illegal immigration has been happening forever.

114. But it's happening a lot more now,

115. after you decide to give

116. a big speech about Caitlyn Jenner

117. because you want to bring down the cultural fabric of America

118. 'cause you're a Jew.

119. You guys, immigrants, either legal or illegal,

120. are always gonna find ways to cross into richer countries...

121. - Oh, boy. Here we go again. - Yeah, I'm out.

122. Yeah, sorry. I can't listen to another one either.

123. Happy evening, friends.

124. My name is Mr. Stkrdknmibalz,

125. And we are going to learn Canadian.

126. With a lot of practice, you're going to find

127. that speaking Canadian isn't so difficult,

128. and in fact, our alphabet and yours are fairly similar.

129. So why don't we begin singing it together?

130. All right, now everyone.

131. Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here.

132. Well, I'm throwing my hat in

133. and saying I'll figure this thing out.

134. Now, I might not understand politics or immigration policies

135. or the law

136. or basic ideological concepts.

137. But damn it, I understand

138. there's a bunch of Canadians here,

139. and I'm gonna do something about it!

140. All right, everyone, listen up.

141. In order for better understanding,

142. we have asked students of Canadian origin

143. to introduce you to their culture and —

144. Hey, Leslie, shut your fucking mouth! —

145. to introduce you to their culture and customs.

146. So let's give them our undivided attention

147. as they take us on a whirlwind journey

148. through their diverse history.

149. We are the Hopewell and Abenaki,

150. first settlers of Canadian soil, guy.

151. We are French and British explorers,

152. seeking furs and goods.

153. Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you —

154. Nobody wants you here!

155. Sorry, not sorry.

156. It's time for someone to say it like is

157. and make our country great again.

158. Garrison, what do you think you're —

159. And I'm also not afraid to stand up to P.C. Principal.

160. You, sir, have a pizza face, and you suck your mom's dick.

161. That's it, Garrison.

162. You are fired from South Park Elementary.

163. Oh, see? And now I'm fired.

164. That's the cold, hard truth of immigration.

165. Well, there's only one immigration policy

166. that I believe in,

167. and that's fuck 'em all to death!

168. I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids.

169. Sorry, not sorry.

170. Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.

171. Can you really blame them?

172. What made Mr. Garrison do that?

173. Guys, what if this was all exactly what Kyle planned?

174. Get the Canadians here, make them feel persecuted.

175. And then what? Uprisings, rebellion.

176. Next thing you know, they're sending us to camps

177. and using us as livestock.

178. You really think Kyle would do that?

179. That doesn't matter.

180. We have to think of a way to smooth this over fast.

181. Yeah, we're gonna need a symbolic union.

182. A What?

183. You know, what's that story about the two sides

184. that were fighting, and then a guy from one side

185. got with a girl from the other side,

186. and their love sort of brought the groups together?

187. "Lion King 2"?

188. Yes, "Lion King 2."

189. I mean, if we can get one of us to go out with one of them,

190. probably have sex,

191. then it could be a symbol of us all getting along.

192. Yeah, it's kind of like when the princess of one country

193. marries the prince of another.

194. Oh, come on. This is stupid.

195. You guys, when two groups of people

196. don't understand each other,

197. you can't just try and defuse the tensions —

198. Is he seriously — Is he seriously

199. giving a speech right now?

200. Is he seriously giving a speech right now?

201. This is gonna have to happen pretty fast,

202. so whoever's gonna do it needs to ask a Canadian girl out soon.

203. - 1, 2, 3, not it. - Not it.

204. - Mrph rm. - Not it.

205. - Not it. - Not it!

206. No, no! Not it!

207. Oh, shit!

208. Support is growing for a Colorado man

209. who claims the way to deal with illegal immigrants

210. is to "fuck them all to death."

211. We go live to Minnesota.

212. Tom, the political activist is going around the country

213. to get support for his agenda.

214. Mr. Garrison, you believe

215. the immigration problem is easy to solve.

216. Yes. Fuck them all to death.

217. Let's make this country great again.

218. And when you say, "Fuck them all to death,"

219. what are you actually suggesting be done?

220. I'm suggesting we round them all up,

221. pull down their pants, and fuck them

222. until their spirits leave their bodies.

223. And then after we've fucked every last one of them to death,

224. we build a big wall.

225. And if anyone comes over the wall,

226. we fuck them to death, too!

227. And then we fuck to death all —

228. Uh, Dan? Dan?

229. We are getting word that a wall has already been built.

230. I-Is that right? Yes?

231. CNN is confirming that Canada has built a wall to keep us out.

232. What do you mean they built a wall?

233. They can't build a fucking wall!

234. Oh, fuck them to death!

235. Hey there!

236. Beautiful day, isn't it?

237. What the hell is this?

238. Oh, this? This is a wall.

239. Sorry, buddy. Nobody allowed in.

240. Can they do that?

241. Look, we came to speak

242. with your government about the —

243. Yeah, no, sorry! Everything past here is ours.

244. You can't — You can't go past — past here.

245. We're Americans!

246. We don't even want to be over there!

247. What do you think we're gonna do?

248. Well, you know, we just don't want you

249. raping our women and stuff.

250. That is ridiculous!

251. All right, smart-ass, that's just about enough —

252. Look, there's just some really cool shit back here,

253. and we don't feel like sharing it.

254. Cool shit like what?

255. Don't worry about it.

256. No. What's back there? Let me see!

257. It's all right, Garrison.

258. No, God damn it! Let me see!

259. What about that one in the glasses?

260. She's kind of hot.

261. She's not hot.

262. She looks like a messed-up cucumber with wieners on it!

263. All right. How about the lanky one there?

264. Ooh, ooh! What about the one in the hat?

265. She kind of looks like Alanis Morissette, huh?

266. Alanis Morissette is like 80 years old or something!

267. - Gee! - Okay, B-Butters, relax.

268. Well, I don't want a Canadian girlfriend, Eric!

269. Okay, you just want a race war?

270. No!

271. The one in the white shoes isn't that ugly.

272. Okay, go fuck the one in the white shoes.

273. Okay.

274. Hi. My name is Butters. What's yours?

275. I'm Charlotte.

276. Oh, Charlotte, I've never done this before.

277. You think Scar's up there?

278. He wasn't my father, but he's still part of me.

279. Oh, no, Simba. We have barely begun.

280. We'll run away together and — and...

281. And start a pride all of our own.

282. Tom, the scene at the Canadian border is electric

283. as several political leaders try and strategize

284. how to deal with being shut out of Canada.

285. If the Canadian government wants to put up a wall,

286. they have every right.

287. And yet we must ask why they thought this to be necessary.

288. No, fuck them, and fuck you.

289. I want to see if they have really cool shit back there.

290. What we need is a —

291. No, you've got a gaping gash, and you've got vinegary balls.

292. The Canadians can't do this!

293. Don't they realize that hundreds of thousands of their people

294. are over here illegally?

295. Oh, you guys didn't put up a wall?

296. And you keep your goddamn mouth shut, smart ass!

297. I'll deal with you.

298. I get things done, and I'm getting back there!

299. - Here you go. - Thanks, Butters.

300. I'm "sore-y" I didn't know what ice cream was.

301. What's "sore-y"?

302. Well, that's what Canadians say to express remorse.

303. Oh. H-Hey, that's neato.

304. Oh.

305. Hang on, Charlotte, one sec.

306. What do you want?

307. Have you given her the old Hot Cosby yet?

308. No. We saw a movie, and now we're going to the park.

309. Butters, we don't have time for that.

310. I told you, you have to cut to the chase with a Hot Cosby.

311. If I'm gonna be with this girl, I don't want her

312. someday thinking it was all super rushed.

313. Nobody cares about 40 years from now

314. when she suddenly changes her mind, Butters.

315. Time is of the essence! We're all gonna die!

316. Everything all right?

317. Yeah, just some work-related stuff.

318. So, hey, I wanted to see

319. if you wanted come over to my house for dinner tomorrow.

320. Oh, boy. Yes, I'd love to.

321. Here we go. Oh, God.

322. Okay, that's — that's good.

323. Watch the balls.

324. Okay, all right, give me the helmet.

325. We'll see what they've got behind that goddamn wall.

326. You know what I am, friends?

327. I'm a doer.

328. - Yeah! - Yeah! That's right!

329. Canada says we can't go into their country,

330. I'm going into their country!

331. And when I do,

332. I am fucking every last Canadian so hard!

333. All right, let's do this.

334. MR. - Aah!

335. Aw, he's dead.

336. So, young man, I understand

337. that you and my daughter have started a romance.

338. Well, uh — Well, yes, sir.

339. And I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh?

340. Is that it? You've got maple fever?

341. Eh, Daddy!

342. I'm sorry, Charlotte, but I get suspicious.

343. It's bad enough we have to live in America.

344. Now all the boys with maple fever

345. are gonna want to have at our daughter.

346. - That's enough, Thomas. - Wait.

347. You don't want to be here?

348. Why would we want to be here?

349. Well, you know,

350. 'cause everything is great here, and we have cool stuff.

351. Canada has everything.

352. It's the greatest country on Earth.

353. But, so, then why did you leave?

354. There were several candidates during the Canadian elections.

355. One of them was this brash asshole who just spoke his mind.

356. He didn't really offer any solutions.

357. He just said outrageous things. We thought it was funny.

358. Nobody really thought he'd ever be president.

359. It was a joke.

360. But we just let the joke go on for too long.

361. He kept gaining momentum,

362. and by the time we were all ready to say,

363. "Okay, let's get serious now. Who should really be president?"

364. he was already being sworn into office.

365. We weren't paying attention.

366. We weren't paying attention!

367. Geez. How bad can a president be?

368. If certain people want to leave this country, then let them!

369. You tell those pussy homos they can suck my balls!

370. But, Mr. President —

371. And tell the prime minister of China

372. that he can suck my balls!

373. - Oh, and Johnson? - Mr. President?

374. Suck my balls.

375. I'm sore-y about my papa.

376. He can be really emotional sometimes.

377. You don't got to be sore-y.

378. It's me who should be sore-y.

379. I think everyone has the wrong idea

380. about your people, Charlotte.

381. It's okay.

382. We just have to give them time.

383. I wasn't supposed to have time.

384. I was supposed to give you a Hot Cosby

385. so our species could coexist.

386. But now I realize you guys don't even want to be here.

387. Oh.

388. So do you want to be here? Now?

389. There's really nowhere I'd rather be.

390. If it's okay with you...

391. I'd like to try a nice Slow Cosby instead.

392. In Canada, we call a Slow Cosby "love."

393. Oh, look!

394. A shooting star.

395. In Canada, we say that's good luck.

396. So do we.

397. Hello?

398. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

399. Hey!

400. Where is everyone, guy?

401. Geez.

402. Hey!

403. How did a U.S. citizen get past my wall?

404. I came here to find out where my country gone.

405. Where your country gone? Where my country gone?

406. No, where my country gone, bitch?

407. Nobody talks to me like that, buddy!

408. Nobody talks to me like that, fwiend!

409. - Ugh! Yeah? - Stupid asshole!

410. - Asshole! - This is why I built that wall!

411. You think you can —

412. There — There you go! There you go!

413. I came here to do one thing!

414. Hey, what the — Aah!

415. Hey, that pokes, buddy! Aah!

416. Oh, my God, guy.

417. Please! Please, I can't — Oh! No, please!

418. No! No!

419. Aah! Aah! No!

420. Oh, look at them, Thomas.

421. I think they really like each other.

422. Yes, I have to admit,

423. it seems they're actually falling in Slow Cosby.

424. I'll get it.

425. Hey did you hear the news, buddy?

426. The Canadian president has been fucked to death.

427. Yes! Yes!

428. What? Are you sure?

429. What is it, Thomas?

430. Canadian president got fucked to death, darling.

431. Oh, my goodness!

432. Should we go back to Canada, then?

433. Yes, I guess, let's go back.

434. - See ya! - Bye!

435. Goodbye! See ya later!

436. Charlotte!

437. I'll Skype you when I'm home, my love!

438. Ah, I should've done the Hot Cosby.

439. - You did it, Garrison! - Thank you, Garrison!

440. Friends, I think I've proven

441. that my policies work to get things done.

442. I know what my true calling is,

443. and I'm gonna keep this going all the way to Washington.

444. Hold on! Wait! It wasn't me!

445. I wasn't the one who brought the Canadians here.

446. It was something just like this.

447. Don't you see?

448. If there's anything we've learned,

449. it's that we have to stop

450. this kind of sensationalistic politics

451. before the same thing happens to us,

452. because if we let this kind of...

453. this kind of...

454. Dude.

455. Unbelievable.

456. All right, my friends, I have to say goodbye now

457. because I'm off to Washington with my running mate.

458. Buckle up, buckaroo!