South Park 18x6

1. Oh, hey, Kyle. Kyle, hang on a sec.

2. - Hey, Jimmy. What's up? - Not much.

3. I just wanted to make sure you've heard

4. the f-f-fantastic news.

5. There's a new Terrance and Phillip mobile game,

6. and it's so amazing and incredibly fun.

7. - Oh, really? - Yeah.

8. And the most unbelievable part —

9. It's totally free!

10. You should download it to your phone right now.

11. I mean, come on.

12. If it's free, why wouldn't you?

13. Cool. Thanks, Jimmy. Well, I'll check it out.

14. You betcha, pal.

15. The "Terrance & Phillip" mobile game!

16. In this game, you are Terrance and Phillip.

17. Can you collect all the Canadian coins?

18. That's one coin. Can you collect more?

19. You've collected 10 Canadian coins!

20. Congratulations!

21. Hey, you're really good at this, guy.

22. - What? - Congratulations, Kyle.

23. With Canada coins, you can buy stuff

24. and help Terrance and Phillip rebuild Canada.

25. Run around and collect more coins,

26. or better yet, buy them in bulk.

27. How man Canadian coins would you like to buy?

28. This is stupid.

29. Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one.

30. You bought 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents!

31. You're amazing!

32. Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada.

33. Click to build a hospital here.

34. - Yay! - Yay!

35. It's still stupid, and now I paid 49 cents for it.

36. What are you two boners doing?

37. We're playing the "Terrance & Phillip" freemium game.

38. I played that thing. It's fucking dumb.

39. I ended paying like five bucks.

40. Who makes this crap?

41. Oh, it's tewiffic!

42. That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day.

43. Where is the roof on this thing?

44. What's the big idea making a mobile game

45. without our approval?

46. Oh, Terrance and Phillip.

47. How are Canada's two favorite buddies?

48. What gives you the right to make

49. a stupid "Terrance & Phillip" mobile game?

50. Who do you think you are?

51. Oh, I'm only the prince of Canada.

52. And this happens to be the minister of mobile gaming.

53. We thought you would be pleased

54. with the quality of the mobile game.

55. It's the dumbest game ever.

56. All you do is collect and spend Canadough.

57. Hey, we know the game's not great.

58. But who cares? It's free!

59. But it's not free.

60. If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there,

61. then it's not free.

62. They see through the charade.

63. Uh-oh. You think so?

64. I think they see through the charade, yes.

65. I'm pretty sure they can hear us, too.

66. All right. Fuck it.

67. You've seen through the charade,

68. so you might as well know everything.

69. Charade up!

70. Allow me to explain the science

71. behind micro-pay freemium gaming.

72. For years, the concept behind gaming was simple —

73. you pay for the game, and you enjoy.

74. With mobile apps, we now have the ability

75. to make games that are boring and stupid,

76. but if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded.

77. "Freemium" — the "mium" is Latin for "not really."

78. It's a simple cycle,

79. a never-ending loop based on RPGs.

80. Explore, collect, spend, improve.

81. But whereas those just use the concept of XP,

82. or experience points,

83. we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money.

84. Money, money, money, money, money, money.

85. It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now.

86. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun.

87. You're in big trouble, Stanley.

88. Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489

89. on a mobile app?

90. I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much.

91. You didn't realize?

92. What are "Canadian coins"?

93. You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough.

94. Stan, just because I make a good living with my music

95. doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough.

96. - I'll pay you back for it, okay? - How?

97. I don't know! I'll figure it out!

98. Jesus Christ.

99. Can you believe him?

100. He knew how much he was spending.

101. He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter.

102. I hate to say it,

103. but this is a lot like his Grampa.

104. What do you mean?

105. Dad's always had a gambling problem.

106. He's got total addiction tendencies.

107. Could he have somehow passed those demons down to Stan?

108. Well, and you certainly have some of those problems, too,

109. with drinking.

110. I had a problem, but I was able to stop.

111. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine.

112. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him

113. that doesn't allow him to stop.

114. And so, in conclusion,

115. the successful freemium game is based on five principles —

116. entice the player with a simple game loop,

117. use lots of flashing "cha-chings" and compliments

118. to make the player feel good about themselves,

119. train the players to spend your fake currency,

120. offer the players a way to spend real currency

121. for your fake currency...

122. So they'll forget they're spending money.

123. and make the game about waiting,

124. but let the player pay not to wait.

125. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.

126. We understand micro-paying,

127. but can't the game hidden inside the charade

128. just at least be fun?

129. No, no! It has to be just barely fun.

130. If the game was too fun,

131. then there would be no reason to micro-pay

132. in order to make it more fun.

133. What's this?

134. Your checks, of course,

135. for 10 million American dollars, each.

136. So this is — Everyone is doing this?

137. Everyone is doing it!

138. It's just the way things are going.

139. It's the way things are going!

140. Well, I guess if everyone's just paying 40 cents at a time,

141. it can't be that bad.

142. Hey, Phillip!

143. Oh, hey, guys.

144. You missed school today?

145. Yeah, I just wasn't feeling the best.

146. Did you play the "Terrance & Phillip" freemium game all day?

147. Well, yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do?

148. How much money did you micro-pay today, Stan?

149. Nothing.

150. Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough.

151. But check it out. I unlocked a stadium in Toronto.

152. You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium?

153. You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play?

154. Yes.

155. It's just, like, something to kill some time.

156. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out.

157. Wait, wait, wait. Jimmy told you about this game?

158. Jimmy told me about this game.

159. Kenny, who told you about this game?

160. Mrph rm.

161. - Dude, what... - the...

162. Fmph?

163. Psst. Hey, kid. Come over here.

164. Yeah, come on over. C-Check this out.

165. You looking to have some fun?

166. What do you mean?

167. The "Terrance & Phillip" mobile game.

168. All the cool kids are using it.

169. - Aw, I don't know. - Come on. Just try it out.

170. You can be Terrance, or Phillip, or both.

171. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff.

172. It's the perfect thing if you're bored.

173. And honestly, the best part about it is it's free.

174. I mean, come on.

175. Why wouldn't you download it and just try it out?

176. - Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk? - Well, sure, fellas.

177. Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid.

178. Dude, what are you doing?

179. Just hanging out. What are you up to?

180. You need to stop recommending that app to people.

181. Mrph!

182. Everyone we know says they heard about it from you.

183. I just think it's a fabulous app. That's all.

184. It's not a fabulous app. It's fucking stupid.

185. Let me ask you something, Jimmy.

186. What happens on level two after you get the Ontario nugget?

187. All right, all right. I never played it.

188. I stay away from the stuff.

189. You just push it on other people?

190. - They pay me to! - Who, Jimmy?

191. Who pays you?

192. You've both done an amazing job.

193. New hospitals, new neighborhoods,

194. all funded by one freemium game.

195. Uh, listen, uh, we've been talking it over,

196. and we really aren't comfortable with this freemium thing.

197. Oh, what is the matter?

198. It seems dishonest, and we have a brand to protect.

199. But just look at all the things we're getting to build.

200. Soon Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan.

201. We're just worried that some people will abuse the game

202. and start spending more money than they can afford.

203. Oh, no!

204. Well, we certainly wouldn't want that.

205. Oh, I have an idea.

206. How about we take some of

207. the billions of dollars we are making

208. and we start a campaign to teach everyone

209. to play the game in moderation?

210. Ohh!

211. Do you really think that would help?

212. Of course!

213. The alcohol industry does it all the time.

214. You. Friends.

215. Fun. Drink.

216. Hot girls. You're hot.

217. Drink more. Expensive cars.

218. Ass. Drink. Ass.

219. Money. You in a tuxedo. Threesomes.

220. Vodka. Pussy. Drink, drink, drink!

221. You! Drink! Vegas! Fun! Pussy!

222. You in a tuxedo fucking this girl!

223. Vodka! Drink, drink, drink!

224. Drink it all, you fucking pussy!

225. More tuxedos! More cars!

226. More pussy! More vodka!

227. Drink, drink, drink!

228. Please drink responsibly.

229. Come on. This way, Stan.

230. I want you to see this.

231. There you go. That's your Grampa.

232. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away

233. a little bit at a time.

234. Sound familiar?

235. All the little sounds and lights are calculated

236. to keep him sitting at that stupid machine.

237. Come on, Dad. We're going home.

238. Ah, go away.

239. Do you know what you've done to your grandson?

240. You've infected him with your bullshit!

241. What are you talking about?

242. I just don't understand what is wrong with you two.

243. What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?

244. - It's just... - It's fun.

245. Yeah, it's fun.

246. It's not fun!

247. You two have demons you're trying to compensate for.

248. Well, what about you? You're having a glass of wine.

249. I'm not having a glass of wine.

250. I'm having six.

251. It's called a tasting, and it's classy.

252. Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop.

253. I just like playing it, but I don't have to.

254. I'll prove it.

255. Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop.

256. All right.

257. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore.

258. Hmm.

259. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry after-tones.

260. Is it my responsibility what people decide to do

261. with their f-f-free time?

262. I was just the middleman.

263. People were going to learn about the game somewhere

264. if not from me.

265. I'm not the one who made it.

266. But you accepted money from the Canadian government

267. to push a freemium game on us.

268. Why would they do that?

269. How do you get people addicted to crack?

270. You give it away for free.

271. You give away a little taste, and then —

272. and then some people can't stop themselves.

273. And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing

274. that he can't even see through it!

275. How could you sell out your friends?

276. I needed the money, all right?

277. I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest

278. because it was free.

279. I loved the sparkling little gems,

280. the sounds they made when I got new ones.

281. Then I made my first in-app purchase.

282. Before I knew it, I had spent my allowance,

283. then my birthday money.

284. I lost my crutches!

285. You have your crutches.

286. It's a figure of speech with crippled people.

287. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg,

288. but they ain't worth much.

289. That makes sense.

290. You're saying these games do this on purpose?

291. Why do you think freemium games

292. send you those text notifications

293. when you haven't played in a while?

294. It's called a trigger —

295. a quick image to trigger the addict's brain.

296. They know exactly what they're doing.

297. Hey, buddy! Come on, guy!

298. Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy.

299. We've just given you 5,000 Canadian coins.

300. Enjoy your Canadough.

301. Free?

302. What is wrong with you, Stan?

303. You said you stopped buying Canadough.

304. I didn't think I spent that much.

305. I-I clicked on a few micro-pays and it just kind of added up.

306. $26,000?

307. Do you know how many songs I have to write

308. to make back that much money?

309. One.

310. Oh, it's just nothing to you, isn't it?

311. No. No, it's not.

312. You need to realize that you have something in your brain

313. that you somehow inherited from your Grampa

314. that makes you act this way, okay?

315. I don't know how you can say that

316. when you're standing here chugging beer.

317. I am not chugging beer.

318. I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers

319. with a French wine pairing.

320. It's called a schmorgeswein, and it's elegantly cultural.

321. Okay, I need help.

322. There is something different about me, you guys.

323. I know the game is stupid,

324. and it actually isn't even fun anymore.

325. I don't understand.

326. Fellas, could I have a minute with Stan, please?

327. Sure. Come on, guys.

328. This is my fault, Stan.

329. I should have never told you the game was f-f-f-fan— fantastic.

330. It's not your fault.

331. It's something to do with my family.

332. It's like a curse.

333. I know this stuff is hard to understand.

334. Trust me, I know.

335. I'm an addict, too. But I got help.

336. How?

337. What all the addiction programs say is true —

338. You've got to reach out to a higher power, Stan.

339. You've got to get down on your knees

340. and you've got to say, "I have a problem."

341. And you've got to ask that higher power for help.

342. We have to find a way to get the word out.

343. People need to know pushers are being hired

344. to take advantage of people with addiction problems.

345. There has to be a way we can get to the news company

346. and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal.

347. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous —

348. Okay, it's done.

349. - What's done? - The word is out.

350. "Terrance and Phillip hire pushers

351. to make money off addicts."

352. I tweeted it. It's trending.

353. You son of a bitch!

354. You paid pushers

355. to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?

356. You what?

357. Now, hold on, Terrance and Phillip.

358. There's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.

359. But there's something very wrong

360. with knowingly make it appeal to human weaknesses!

361. You didn't build a mobile game. You built an addiction machine!

362. Minister of Mobile Gaming, what's this all aboot?

363. All right, all right. You've seen through the charade again.

364. Let me explain how freemium games really work.

365. The truth is a very small percentage of people

366. who download freemium games ever pay anything for them.

367. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users

368. and extracting the most amount of cash from them.

369. That's how you get addicts to pay 200 bucks

370. for a game that's not even worth 40 cents.

371. But then all our profits come from people with problems.

372. Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money.

373. Here, have a bump of coke.

374. Okay, but we still won't stand for this!

375. I don't know if you're listening,

376. but I guess I have something inside me that I can't control,

377. something kind of dark.

378. Please, help show me the way.

379. You have summoned the prince of temptation for what purpose?

380. Oh, shit.

381. Uh, I have addiction demons, and I don't understand them.

382. Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul.

383. So you've got dopamine, right?

384. That's the chemical that gets released in your brain

385. whenever you do something pleasurable like eating, sex.

386. And that's just nature, right?

387. Like, rabbits and fish and shit,

388. they need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce.

389. Okay.

390. But because humans have progressed

391. and now have access to all the shit they want

392. whenever they want it,

393. it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems.

394. You know, it's not fucking rocket science, this stuff.

395. So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?

396. Fuck no.

397. It's like — okay, it's like being diabetic.

398. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong,

399. and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way.

400. You know, you've been eating gluten and shit.

401. And then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance

402. from your liver.

403. And something clicked and now you're diabetic forever, right?

404. So, like, if you keep doing something too much,

405. eventually there's, um, a dopamine fuck-up, right,

406. and you're kind of screwed up for life.

407. So, what does that mean?

408. I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?

409. Yeah, that's pretty much what it means.

410. The addict people said something about me filling a hole.

411. Well, who's not filling a fucking hole, right?

412. You know? I mean, what kind of bullshit is that?

413. So, let's talk about genetics now.

414. - You still have time? - Yeah, no, this is great.

415. Okay, let me get some visual aids.

416. Give me just a sec.

417. Here is a fact —

418. 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics.

419. Using slot-machine tactics,

420. freemiums games are able to make millions

421. off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.

422. Oh, God, he just doesn't stop!

423. Who is this guy?

424. We're building a new Canada with micro-payments from addicts.

425. Who cares?

426. You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?

427. They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted.

428. They're counting on it! It's the same with us.

429. But we've got our eyes on every addict's screen.

430. Every button they click,

431. we get feedback on how to shove this shit

432. right down their throats.

433. Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino

434. in "Devil's Advocate"?

435. Oh, I'm much worse than the devil.

436. I'm the Canadian devil! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

437. Oh, dear God! It's the Canadian devil!

438. Beelzaboot!

439. You discovered my plan, but too late!

440. Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!

441. Oh, no! Oh, what have I done?

442. Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha!

443. So, basically, the genes you got from your dad

444. make you more likely to have trouble

445. with, um, dopamine regulation,

446. and that's why you need to kind of watch out

447. for addictive stuff.

448. Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?

449. I guess so.

450. But why do companies have to put

451. so many addictive things out there?

452. You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal.

453. I've got to put temptation out there, too,

454. so people have free will and all that shit.

455. But, you know, everyone has their justification

456. and thinks what they're doing is okay.

457. Hey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough?

458. What's this?

459. That's what I've been addicted to.

460. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications.

461. What, you just collect coins?

462. How much money can you buy today?

463. No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun,

464. that's one thing.

465. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation.

466. Wait a minute. Who put this out?

467. Uh, Canada.

468. Oh, that son of a bitch. He's always doing this shit!

469. I tell him temptation has to be nuanced,

470. but he goes and does this crap again.

471. I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid.

472. Is that all right?

473. Okay.

474. Aaaaah!

475. Oh, pass interference! Interference!

476. Stan? Where are you going?

477. I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me.

478. Told ya. Kid's got demons.

479. I don't do that.

480. Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight.

481. When the prince signed the agreement

482. to make a freemium game,

483. he apparently made a deal with the Canadian devil.

484. Hey, guy! I'm the Canadian devil!

485. The Canadian devil now has complete control

486. of the souls of every Canadian.

487. This is a sad day for Canada and, therefore, the world.

488. I stab you!

489. Oh!

490. Beelzaboot!

491. Once again, you lack any sense of nuance.

492. Who the fuck is that?

493. Well, well. My overachieving doppelganger.

494. You're no match for Canadian Satan!

495. Return from whence you came!

496. Aah! Watch it, guy!

497. Certainly a shocking turn of events here

498. as the actual devil has now appeared

499. and seems to be fighting the Canadian devil.

500. This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere

501. as we try to figure out who to root for.

502. For that, let's ask the minister of sport in Edmonton.

503. Well, of course, the patriotic thing to do

504. would be to root for the Canadian devil.

505. But then again, he is the one

506. who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years.

507. Screw that! Go, Canada!

508. Enough, Beelzaboot.

509. Thy end has come!

510. - Hey, dude. - Hey.

511. You all right?

512. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay.

513. Cool.

514. My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country

515. will hopefully be a model for others.

516. We have all learned a tragic lesson together

517. that though many sins are out there,

518. when you get involved with freemium gaming,

519. you are making a deal with the Canadian devil.

520. We will no longer make freemium games,

521. and we will no longer make improvements to our country

522. with money taken from addicts.

523. Canada is back to being

524. an ethical, respected, shitty tundra.

525. I'm gonna move here and here,

526. and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie.

527. Okay, good idea.

528. What are you gaywads doing?

529. We're playing board games

530. so that Grampa avoids the casino

531. and I avoid freemium apps.

532. Well, all right! Good for you guys.

533. Tell you what, I'll join you.

534. Board games go good with a glass of wine.

535. That's not a glass, that's a trophy,

536. that you won for drinking.

537. It's not "drinking."

538. It's called a wine zinfandel sipping sprint,

539. and it's competitive.

540. Get off your high fucking horse.

541. Your turn, Grampa.

542. If you roll a five or six, you can kill these zombies.

543. You guys want to put some money on it?