South Park 18x3

1. Another morning waiting for the run-down school bus

2. to take me to the run-down school.

3. But today is the day I finally have the guts

4. to do what I should have done a long time ago.

5. Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket —

6. a little surprise for them all.

7. I prepared for this, but still I wonder,

8. will I have the guts to go through with it?

9. You're damn right I will.

10. Are you okay, Cartman?

11. Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Kyle?

12. They're all gonna pay.

13. Every day, they pushed me and pushed me,

14. and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time.

15. We'll find out today at recess, won't we?

16. Oh, yes. We'll find out today at recess.

17. Hey, Eric. I'm not suspended no more.

18. Good for you.

19. I think someone's in there.

20. No! God damn it, no!

21. Who's taking the shit?

22. Occupied.

23. I called dibs on stall one for all recess, Craig.

24. You can't call dibs on a toilet.

25. Son of a bitch.

26. Oh, no. No, no, no!

27. I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!

28. Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fat-ass!

29. All right. That does it!

30. I'm sick of this shit,

31. and I'm not taking it any longer!

32. You all pushed me to this!

33. What the hell do you think you're doing?

34. I'm going to the potty.

35. This is the girls' bathroom.

36. All right. I need to tell you something, Wendy.

37. - I'm "transginger." - What?

38. Did you notice the bow?

39. I'm not comfortable with the sex

40. I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right

41. to identify with the ginger of my choice.

42. Now get out of my way. I have to take a shit.

43. Ahhhh!

44. Get out of here!

45. Don't give me more issues than I already have, Wendy.

46. Oh, wow. This is nice in here.

47. The girls' bathroom's a lot cleaner than the boys'.

48. What the hell is that?

49. Cartman is using our bathroom.

50. Dude, this is awesome.

51. I should have used the girls' bathroom a long time ago.

52. Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!

53. It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here.

54. I'm a dumb chick, too.

55. I want to know just what makes you think it's okay

56. to go inside the girls' bathroom.

57. Because I'm transginger. I looked it up.

58. That means I can use the girls' shitter.

59. You are not transgender, Eric.

60. You don't even know what that means.

61. Yeah-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion

62. because society sees me as a boy but I'm really a girl.

63. All right.

64. Well, if you identify yourself as a girl,

65. you must find yourself attracted to boys.

66. Is that right?

67. That's actually not true.

68. I can be transginger without it having anything to do

69. with the ginger I'm attracted to.

70. Check the state bylaws.

71. All right, listen, Eric —

72. - Erica. - Listen, Eric.

73. You must know why we can't have you

74. in the girls' bathroom.

75. All I know is I'm transginger,

76. and you can't make me go to the bathroom

77. with the cisgingers.

78. With the what?

79. Cisgender.

80. It's the politically correct name

81. for people who aren't transgender.

82. If you identify with the sex you were born with,

83. then you're cis.

84. But then cisgender is just normal.

85. Saying "normal" is extremely offensive

86. to people who aren't in that group.

87. Trust me. You don't want this hot potato.

88. Just let him use the girls' room.

89. But this isn't a hurt and confused child

90. we're talking about — This is Eric Cartman.

91. Nobody else is gonna know that.

92. You better just give him what he wants.

93. So, Eric Cartman just has us

94. in some kind of bathroom checkmate?

95. Actually...

96. it's more like a royal flush.

97. - Gerald Broflovski? - Yes?

98. Brandon Carlile. Reporter, Spin magazine.

99. I was hoping you could help me make sense of something.

100. I understand you had a very large party

101. in your backyard last — last Sunday, was it?

102. That's right. My son and his friends

103. threw a party for a kid with diabetes.

104. I also understand that the very famous pop artist Lorde

105. was the entertainment at that party.

106. Oh, yeah.

107. Yeah, the kids were pretty excited.

108. Well, it — it's just a little curious, you know,

109. why a hugely popular top-20 artist

110. would play such a —

111. well, no offense, but such a humble venue.

112. Sorry, I don't think I get your —

113. you understand we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin.

114. We're just wondering how the boys

115. got someone like Lorde to play.

116. From what I understand, she's the niece

117. of someone's co-worker here in town or something.

118. You wouldn't know who?

119. No. Does it really matter?

120. Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady.

121. It would be a shame if someone was

122. having fun at her expense.

123. Randy, whose are these?

124. I don't know. Why?

125. Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?

126. In my jeans.

127. Randy, do you have something to tell me?

128. Yeah. I do.

129. Come on! You've been in there for 20 minutes.

130. Yeah! Recess is almost over.

131. There's two more stalls in here, gals. Go ahead.

132. Not while you're in here.

133. Oh, my God. You guys are so cisgender.

134. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit and my balls.

135. Eric, there are people actually struggling

136. with their gender identity, and all you're doing is —

137. Okay, okay, okay, you guys!

138. You know what? You know what?

139. That's what.

140. Suck my clit and balls.

141. Erica, I believe we have a solution

142. to this little problem.

143. I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria.

144. The cisgenders have the problem.

145. If it is agreeable to you, Erica...

146. we are going to clear out

147. the janitor's closet and remodel it...

148. into a private bathroom

149. just for you.

150. Excuse me, are you talking about

151. my own special executive bathroom?

152. Would that be agreeable to you?

153. - Oh, my God! - That isn't fair!

154. Wendy, just go with it.

155. Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch.

156. Of course, being forced into my own isolated bathroom

157. will probably be somewhat traumatic for me.

158. I might have to approve certain aspects

159. of this solitary location.

160. Yeah, so I'm thinking a water feature here —

161. you know, get the sound of running water

162. and kind of Zen it out.

163. Uh-huh, well, why don't you put the water feature on this side?

164. Oh, on that side?

165. You know, because you've already got A.C. over here,

166. and that leaves this open

167. for some nice big piece of art on this wall.

168. Oh, I like that. That's gonna look nice. Yeah.

169. Yeah, listen,

170. I don't know if I can keep doing this.

171. My wife is starting to suspect something.

172. I had to tell her I just like the way fishnets feel.

173. I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy,

174. but you can't leave us hanging.

175. You've got the purest shit out there,

176. and it's worth a lot to us.

177. You think you're gonna get a good product

178. when I can't even think?

179. How many times have you said, "I think I've lost it,"

180. and everything turned out to be okay?

181. Every time.

182. Every time.

183. Come on. Get back to work and see.

184. If you get panicked again, call me.

185. Yeah. Yeah, I will.

186. Yeah.

187. You wanted to see me?

188. Sit down, Ron.

189. What do you know about one of our artists — Lorde?

190. 17-year-old girl from New Zealand.

191. Great songwriter. Humble.

192. Wrong.

193. She's a 45-year-old man living in Colorado.

194. What?

195. He writes the songs, sends us the demos.

196. We futz them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl

197. way ahead of her time

198. and nobody knows the difference.

199. Huh.

200. Holy shit.

201. He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells.

202. But he's getting itchy feet.

203. I want you to keep an eye on him.

204. And if anyone around him

205. seems like they're close to finding out the truth,

206. well, you know what to do.

207. - Randy? - Aah!

208. I thought you were at the grocery store.

209. I was. Can you help me unload the car?

210. "Help me unload the c-car."

211. Randy.

212. Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming.

213. What is that?

214. That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.

215. Cartman's a girl now?

216. He's not a woman. He's not a man.

217. He is something that you'll never understand.

218. But he would die for me.

219. Is it done? Is it all ready?

220. All right, all right. Move aside, everybody.

221. Move aside, please. I got to go.

222. Oh, oh.

223. This is gonna be so awesome.

224. Lock.

225. Privacy!

226. Oh, this is gonna feel so good.

227. Perfect.

228. Yeah, you're gonna take it.

229. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream.

230. Yeah, you're gonna open wide.

231. You're gonna take your punishment.

232. That's right. Get ready.

233. Oh, my God! This is so awesome, you guys!

234. It's just like at home!

235. - Peter Nelson? - Yes?

236. Brandon Carlile. Reporter, Spin magazine.

237. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey.

238. Yeah. That's right.

239. I also understand that you're the uncle

240. of the amazing and talented songwriter Lorde.

241. All right, look, I-I'm not her uncle.

242. I-I just work with her, okay?

243. Work with her? How?

244. I like Lorde.

245. She's really nice and really talented.

246. But she lives a double life.

247. How's that?

248. Lorde isn't just a singer.

249. She's also a very talented scientist

250. who specializes in fluvial geomorphology.

251. Uh, what?

252. She just showed up one day at the office,

253. started filling in for a guy who started working part-time.

254. She's a good geologist.

255. When her music career took off, we thought she'd be gone,

256. but she still shows up, usually right after lunch.

257. Hey, Cartman. Heard you're transgender.

258. Yep. You know what Hillary says —

259. You can suck my Clinton balls.

260. No, I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear.

261. He gives us too much homework anyways. I —

262. Hey, guys.

263. Wendy?

264. How's it hanging?

265. - Whoa. - Huh?

266. - Whoa, wait, I-is that... - Holy moly!

267. Hey! What the fuck, dude?

268. Do you mind? This is occupied!

269. It's cool. I'll wait.

270. Dude! This is my fucking bathroom!

271. I want her suspended,

272. and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment.

273. I'm sorry, Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning,

274. and she's not comfortable —

275. Wendyl? Fucking Wendyl?

276. Grow up, Wendy.

277. You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?

278. Because I don't want a chick watching me go poo!

279. I thought you were a chick.

280. No, I identify as a chick, but I'm still a boy.

281. You can't make me share a bathroom

282. with a girl that identifies herself as a fucking dude!

283. That is my waterfall,

284. and those are my Christmas lights!

285. Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!

286. What?

287. Do you know your girlfriend's going around

288. telling everyone that you're gay?

289. Oh, yeah. She's got the whole school believing

290. that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you!

291. So, what does that make you, Stan? A girl!

292. Sta-a-n's a girl!

293. You better curb your dog, Stan.

294. You better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!

295. Shelly, that's enough time on your phone.

296. Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time.

297. You know we're all cutting down on phone time.

298. Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!

299. Yeah. I don't understand you at all.

300. Lot you know.

301. Oh, hey, Dad. I need to talk to you.

302. Oh, really? About — About what?

303. Dad, is it possible

304. for someone to be one way on the outside

305. but totally different on the inside?

306. I mean, can someone identify as one sex

307. but be something else

308. but still have it be nothing about sex?

309. Yes. Yes, Stan.

310. I am Lorde.

311. What?

312. It started off so simple.

313. There's a guy at work — Hansen.

314. He would use the bathroom

315. and just blow the thing up, you know?

316. Not only that, but he was in there all the time!

317. I finally got fed up.

318. I pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde.

319. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan?

320. It's all clean, and there's enough stalls for everyone.

321. It was so freeing.

322. I started singing while I was in there,

323. and then I started writing things down.

324. But you said you knew a guy at work

325. who was Lorde's uncle.

326. Yeah. That's my cover.

327. The chick that wrote the theme song

328. to the new "Hunger Games" movie is you?

329. Yeah. The record company messed it all up.

330. It was supposed to go

331. But they just do what they want with my songs.

332. W-Wait. Lorde sounds like a girl.

333. Auto-tune. You want to see how I do it?

334. I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work.

335. I use this program

336. to import the recordings I make on my phone.

337. Oh! Ooh.

338. Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good.

339. Thanks.

340. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops.

341. Then with the computer, I can actually quantize everything.

342. And then finally I use the auto-tune.

343. Stan?

344. Hey, everything okay, Stan?

345. I don't know where I belong.

346. Just hold it. That's what I do now.

347. Hey! What the fuck, dude?

348. God fucking damn it!

349. Why don't we just have everyone use the transginger bathroom?

350. Stanley, do you have a reason

351. for not using the boys' bathroom?

352. I-I just — Two people close to me

353. are having gender-identity issues,

354. and I'm — I'm confused.

355. He's cisginger!

356. He's so cis, he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!

357. You wanted to see me, boss?

358. Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde.

359. Hi, Carol.

360. Lorde.

361. Lorde, we're all big fans of your music,

362. and we think the world of you for staying and working here

363. even after your music career took off.

364. Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology

365. are intertwined.

366. Amazing, yeah.

367. Uh, Lorde, for some time now, the females at this office

368. have been pressuring me to,

369. uh, find your own space to go to the bathroom.

370. Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great

371. if you had your very own executive bathroom.

372. I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there.

373. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity,

374. to my music.

375. My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde,

376. but the women here aren't comfortable

377. sharing a bathroom with...

378. With what?

379. With what?

380. You are watching "E! Entertainment News."

381. That's how low you've sunk.

382. It's been several days,

383. and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde.

384. The singer went dark on Twitter

385. after claiming severe depression and stating,

386. "I realize now that I make people uncomfortable.

387. I need to give this up

388. and go back to just being the old me."

389. Spin magazine is claiming they know the reason

390. for the sudden exit

391. and will be releasing a tell-all article

392. about the troubled artist next week.

393. Oh, here he comes, everyone. It's the cisginger.

394. Think you can harass transgingers

395. and use their bathroom?

396. Yeah! What's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?

397. At this school, it doesn't matter

398. if you're trans or you're cis, right, guys?

399. - Yeah, sure. - Okay!

400. What we have a problem with

401. are cisgingers who are intolerant.

402. You know what we call those? Cissies!

403. Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!

404. Oh, come on. Lay off him, guys.

405. Oh, what are you — a cissy, too, Clyde?

406. No, no. Just he is.

407. You just gonna drink beer alone all day?

408. It's okay. It's gluten-free.

409. All right.

410. Do you know why young people like Lorde so much?

411. It's because she's something different.

412. Kids have had pop-music artists

413. flash tits and crotch in their face,

414. and most kids are actually smart enough

415. to be sick of it.

416. Lorde represents something in all of us —

417. a truth that wants to be heard.

418. If I could talk to Lorde right now,

419. you know what I'd tell her?

420. I'd tell her not to let people change who she is.

421. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her,

422. it's probably because they've lost touch with being human.

423. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does,

424. because when someone's not allowed to express

425. who they are inside, then we all lose.

426. That's what I would say to Lorde.

427. And so it is with great pride that I can announce

428. the student body has elected

429. to get rid of the transgender bathroom

430. and give any fellow student the right

431. to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in.

432. I don't want to use the girls' bathroom if anyone can use it!

433. It's gonna be all crowded!

434. Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom

435. with people who might be transgender

436. will have to use the special designated bathroom

437. designed to keep them away

438. from the normal people who don't care.

439. Hey, where do you think you're going?

440. - To the bathroom. - Oh, no, you don't.

441. You got to use the cissy bathroom.

442. Well, go on, cissy!

443. Wow. This is pretty nice.