1. - The holiday season is here,
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2. and Black Friday is upon us.
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3. As you know,
Black Friday is the day
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4. shoppers go berserk
for holiday deals.
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5. Last year, 26 people died,
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6. and 461 were seriously injured.
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7. This winter,
the mall is offering 80% off
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8. to the first 30 people
in the store.
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9. - It'll be a bloodbath!
- Are they crazy?
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10. - For you new recruits,
perhaps you took this job to see
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11. just what the violence was like,
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12. or perhaps you
thought working Black Friday
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13. wouldn't be a big deal.
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14. - I'm just trying to earn
some extra holiday cash.
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15. - Or maybe you're just
too stupid to realize
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16. what you've gotten
yourselves into.
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17. - That's enough!
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18. Our only chance of surviving
this year's sale
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19. is by sticking together.
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20. Those of you who signed up
are to be commended.
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21. But I warn you,
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22. do not underestimate the battle
that's about to take place
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23. outside those doors.
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24. Winter is coming.
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25. - Good evening, sir.
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26. I'm calling together
all the fighters of Zaron.
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27. I need to speak
with Lady McKormick.
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28. - She's not here
right now.
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29. - Please tell her there's to be
a meeting in the great hall.
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30. I have found a way
to get Xbox Ones,
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31. and the fair Lady McKormick
will want to hear about it.
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32. - What are we doing here?
- I don't know.
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33. - Do you guys know
what this is all about?
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34. - What are we
doing here, guys?
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35. Thank you all for coming,
Prince Token,
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36. Sir Timmy of Blacklake,
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37. Lady McKormick.
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38. - Warriors, we have fought
many great battles together
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39. at Clyde's house,
at Scott Malkinson's house.
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40. But soon we will be fighting
the greatest battle
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41. of our young, hot lives.
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42. Winter is coming,
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43. and the next gen gaming devices
are hitting the shelves.
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44. - Which nobody can afford.
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45. - What if I were to tell you
that if we all work together,
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46. there's a way we can
get the new gaming systems?
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47. - If you know of a way, wizard,
then speak.
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48. - I have learned of a dark magic
at work.
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49. The day after Thanksgiving,
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50. the first 30 people
inside the mall
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51. get 80% off whatever they want.
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52. They are calling it
"Black Friday."
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53. - Whoo! Spooky!
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54. - Black Friday?
Come on, that can't be real.
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55. - It is real, Craig.
I saw it on the news, butthole.
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56. - It is real.
They do it every year.
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57. But everyone in town
tries to be the first
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58. inside the mall
on Black Friday.
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59. What chance do we have?
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60. - On our own, none.
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61. But if we plan, strategize,
and fight together,
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62. we can be the first people
inside on Black Friday
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63. and use the 80% to get
the gaming systems
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64. we need to survive.
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65. - Well,
it's almost Thanksgiving,
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66. and we all know
what that means.
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67. - That's right, Black Friday
is just around the corner...
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68. - Ouch.
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69. - And people are already
gearing up.
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70. - We usually start lining up
around 3:00 A.M.
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71. We, uh, douse ourselves
in pig blood
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72. because it does help us
slip through the crowd
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73. when the doors open.
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74. - We do it every year,
part of the family tradition.
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75. Last year,
we lost our youngest daughter.
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76. Her head was stepped on
and crushed.
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77. But in her memory,
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78. we're going to find a young girl
and step on her head this year.
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79. - If anyone thinks they're gonna
beat me inside that mall
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80. and keep me from getting
my kids Christmas presents,
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81. they can kiss my fat vagina,
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82. 'cause I'm bringing
the motherfucking pain!
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83. - Tom, the South Park Mall
says they've beefed up security
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84. in an effort to reduce
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85. the number of fatalities
this year.
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86. One thing's for sure,
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87. people take Black Friday
very seriously.
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88. - Yes. Yes, very nice.
Good.
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89. - Wizard Cartman, I have news
from the Internet, my Lord.
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90. - They don't salute
in Game of Thrones, Butters.
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91. - Sorry,
I haven't watched it yet.
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92. - Okay, well, you need
to start immediately, please.
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93. Ah, very good!
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94. The house of Greyhawk
has agreed to join our fight.
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95. - The house of Greyhawk?
- Larry and Brad Stolsky.
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96. - But, my friends,
we must still find others
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97. who will fight by our side.
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98. Are there no other factions
we can call to our aid?
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99. - Yeah, I know.
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100. How about we ask those kids
who play Star Trek?
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101. - Uh, no, screw those guys.
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102. They're dorks,
and I'm not playing with them.
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103. - Hey, that's what
I'm talking about.
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104. You got any extra of that?
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105. Oh, thanks.
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106. Gets a little boring
around here, you know?
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107. - Enjoy the boredom
while you can.
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108. - So you worked here
last winter?
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109. You worked on Black Friday?
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110. - I did.
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111. - Is it really as bad
as they say it is?
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112. - The shoppers...
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113. started showing up
at midnight on Thursday.
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114. They didn't line up,
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115. they just crammed themselves
near the main entrance.
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116. I could see their faces
smushed up against the glass,
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117. licking their lips,
waiting to get in.
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118. God, the sounds
that they made.
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119. It was 5:00 A.M.
when they opened the doors.
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120. There was screaming, blood,
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121. people tearing
each other's faces off
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122. while holiday music played
in the background.
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123. I saw a woman pick up
her daughter by the ankle
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124. and swing her
into some old guy's head.
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125. Before I knew it, they were
all around me, biting, clawing.
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126. Then a hand reached in
and pulled me out.
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127. Ol' Cap.
He saved us all that day.
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128. When it was over,
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129. the front of the mall
was covered in red,
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130. bodies, shopping bags.
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131. And now winter comes again.
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132. - Wizard Cartman,
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133. I started watching
Game of Thrones.
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134. - Ah, yes, Paladin Butters.
Are you enjoying it?
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135. - Well, it's pretty good,
I guess.
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136. But have you ever noticed
that almost every time
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137. they show a guy's wiener,
that guy's character is gay?
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138. - What do you mean?
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139. - Well, it's just that they have
a lot of girls' boobs
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140. and vaginas and stuff,
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141. but most times
they show a man's wiener,
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142. it's because that guy's in
a love scene with another guy.
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143. You think it's because
gay wieners are less threatening
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144. to women viewers?
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145. - I believe you might be missing
the greater point of the show,
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146. Paladin Butters.
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147. - Yeah, I know,
winter is coming,
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148. and there's dragons and zombies
on the way.
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149. I'm pretty excited for that.
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150. Just could do with
a little less gay wiener is all.
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151. - We have word
from the kindergartners.
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152. They've agreed to join us.
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153. - Those Xbox Ones
are as good as ours!
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154. Yeah!
- Wait, wait.
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155. What are you talking about,
Xbox Ones?
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156. - That's what
this is all about, Craig.
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157. We're all trying to get
Xbox Ones on Black Friday.
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158. - I thought we were getting
PlayStation 4s.
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159. - What?
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160. - Uh, me too.
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161. - No, guys,
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162. when I said we're gonna get
the next gen gaming systems,
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163. I was obviously talking
about Xboxes.
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164. - Yeah.
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165. - But I want a PS4,
not a crappy Xbox.
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166. - Look, guys.
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167. We all have to agree
on one system.
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168. - That's right.
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169. - If some of us are on PS4s but
the rest of us are on Xboxes,
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170. then we all can't play
together online, see?
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171. This is all about committing
to one machine.
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172. - Right.
Let's all get PS4s.
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173. - No, the Xboxes
are gonna be better.
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174. - They're not better,
they're just more expensive.
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175. - We are getting Xbox Ones,
guys, and that is final.
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176. - That's exactly
how Xbox people are.
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177. - Yeah!
- Fine!
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178. If you guys don't wanna
join us on Black Friday
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179. to get Xboxes,
then that's fine!
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180. - We're still gonna fight
on Black Friday,
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181. just not with you.
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182. - Oh, it's gonna be
like that, is it?
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183. - Everyone who wants
to get PS4s, join with us.
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184. - No, we can't divide
like this.
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185. Stan, you're on our side,
right?
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186. - I like
the PS4's controller better.
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187. - Stan, the PS4 doesn't have
the seamless transition
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188. between games, movies, and TV
offered by Xbox One.
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189. - The PS4 controller
has a touchpad interface.
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190. You never listened.
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191. I told you I thought
the PS4 was better,
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192. but you never wanted
to listen to me, Kyle.
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193. You just had your head
so set because-
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194. because that's
how Xbox people are.
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195. - Then I guess i'll see you
on Black Friday.
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196. - If I see you at the mall,
Kyle,
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197. I will have to try
to beat you inside.
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198. - I know.
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199. - Come on, Kyle.
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200. Let these Sony fucks wallow
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201. in their limited voice control
functionality.
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202. - What the hell
are you doing?
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203. - Oh, hey, Sharon.
You're up, huh?
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204. I, uh-All right, look.
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205. I took a temp job at the mall.
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206. I just wanted to make
some extra holiday cash.
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207. - Bullshit.
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208. - I did, Sharon!
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209. I saw they were hiring
extra security,
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210. and I thought it'd be a good way
to make money.
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211. - You're doing this to try
and get to the front of the line
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212. on Black Friday, aren't you?
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213. - Nobody else
has thought of it, Sharon.
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214. I won't even be out
in the crowd.
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215. I'll be on the inside
when the doors open.
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216. While everyone is trying
to run over each other,
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217. i'll turn around
and run right into the stores.
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218. i'll be the first to get
whatever I want.
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219. - Isn't Black Friday supposed
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220. to be about buying things
for other people?
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221. - Winter is coming, Sharon,
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222. and I'm a sneaky little bee.
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223. Buzz, buzz.
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224. - Thrusters are at 20%,
captain.
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225. - Engage, ensign,
warp factor one.
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226. - Captain, we have
an incoming FaceTime request
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227. from Eric Cartman.
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228. - On screen.
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229. - Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?
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230. - Nothing much.
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231. We're just about to check out
a class "M" planet
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232. that might have new sources
of Tririllium.
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233. - God, these guys
are such dorks.
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234. - Just find out
who they're loyal to.
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235. - Uh, yeah,
big dong and prosper.
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236. Um, listen, guys.
You're Xbox people, right?
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237. - Given the Xbox's
faster frame rate,
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238. we have no choice
but to declare it
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239. the most technologically fit
for Starfleet.
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240. - Oh, my God,
they're so gay.
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241. Um, cool.
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242. What if I were to tell you
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243. that we have a way
for you to join us
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244. in getting Xbox Ones
super cheap?
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245. - Cheap Xbox Ones?
For reals?
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246. - The Federation has agreed
to fight with us.
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247. With them
and the kindergartners,
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248. our army has
just doubled in size.
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249. You still think
you can convince Stan
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250. to come back to our side,
don't you, Sir Kyle?
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251. - I don't know.
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252. - You can't change his mind,
Sir Kyle.
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253. Sony people don't think
with logic.
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254. He betrayed us, and now we must
out-Game-of-Thrones him
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255. by making
powerful alliances.
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256. - Oh, don't even
get me started!
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257. I keep watching that show,
and I'm still waiting
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258. for the darn dragons to show up
and kick everyone's butts.
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259. But all I get is wiener,
wiener, wiener.
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260. It's not all gay wiener,
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261. but when they do show
a straight guy's wiener,
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262. it's all soft and floppy,
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263. even though he just got done
humping a pretty girl.
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264. Why is that?
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265. Because a soft wiener
isn't threatening,
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266. just like a gay wiener.
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267. - Butters, you seem to be
somewhat obsessed with wieners.
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268. - I'm obsessed with wieners?
What about HBO?
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269. - This isn't helping us,
Butters.
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270. - The Sony people might not be
our biggest problem.
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271. - Twitter says
they're introducing
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272. a new Elmo doll this Christmas.
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273. - What new Elmo doll?
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274. Who, me?
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275. - Just in time
for the holidays,
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276. it's Stop Touching Me Elmo.
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277. When you press his back,
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278. Elmo puts his hand on your knee
and says fun things.
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279. - Have you ever been tickled
on the inside?
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280. I'm lonely.
Are you lonely?
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281. Can I watch you go potty?
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282. You wanna kiss the guy
who does Elmo's voice?
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283. - Stop touching me, Elmo!
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284. - Elmo also helps kids
brush their teeth
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285. with his toothpaste dispenser.
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286. - More, more, more, oh!
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287. - Don't miss out on this holiday
season's biggest gift,
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288. Stop Touching Me Elmo.
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289. Available at South Park Mall,
starting Black Friday.
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290. - Morning, Joe, Marcus.
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291. - Morning, Randy.
- What madness is this?
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292. - What is it, sir?
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293. - A new Elmo doll.
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294. They're releasing
a new Elmo doll
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295. just in time
for Black Friday.
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296. - Oh, Christ, no.
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297. - You've murdered us!
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298. You soulless monsters,
you've killed us all!
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299. - Oh, God,
they're already lining up.
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300. - Elmo.
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301. - No, they can't line up
this soon.
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302. This is crazy!
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303. - i'll deal with these demons.
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304. If you're here
for Black Friday,
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305. the line starts on that side
of the rope.
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306. - Oh, this rope right here?
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307. - That's the line
for Black Friday,
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308. so other people can
do normal shopping today.
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309. - Oh, okay, thanks.
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310. Elmo.
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311. - Give me Elmo.
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312. - We come seeking your help.
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313. Do you side
with those wanting Xboxes,
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314. or will you join us
on Black Friday
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315. and fight for PS4s?
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316. - Are you for real?
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317. - You know that the PS4
is a better choice.
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318. I mean, come on.
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319. - Of course we're going to go
with the PS4.
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320. They're blacker.
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321. - Then join us.
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322. We need people to help us
be the first 30 inside the mall.
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323. - Uh, we're just gonna wait
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324. until the PS4s become cheaper
and more available.
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325. - No, you can't do that.
- You can't do that.
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326. - Don't you see this is
about more than Black Friday?
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327. Battle lines are being drawn.
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328. If you wait it out
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329. but everyone else has already
decided to go with Xbox,
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330. then that will
become the standard.
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331. The PS4 would be like
Betamax was to VHS.
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332. - What's Betamax?
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333. - Exactly.
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334. - What's VHS?
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335. - Look, we're just asking people
who want to play on PS4s
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336. to fight
for what they believe in.
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337. - Sorry, I guess
we just don't care enough.
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338. - Come on, Sir Stan.
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339. There must be kids somewhere
who will join us.
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340. - Lady McKormick, I was hoping
I could talk to you about Kyle.
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341. - I'm not sure if his heart
is in the right place.
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342. If he were
to ever switch sides,
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343. it could make Stan's army
problematic for us.
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344. - True, but we can't let Kyle
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345. come in the way
of what's rightfully ours.
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346. Let's face it,
Lady McKormick,
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347. this is really about you and me
getting Xbox Ones.
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348. The others are simply there
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349. to help us get
inside those doors.
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350. - You have a strong influence
over the rest of the men,
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351. Lady McKormick.
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352. All I'm saying is that
when the time comes,
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353. I might need you
to use that influence
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354. to have Kyle taken care of.
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355. Do we understand each other?
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356. - Yes, I believe we do.
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357. - Hey, you damn kids!
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358. Get the hell out of my yard!
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359. - Fuck you, dude!
This is the Garden of Andros!
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360. - No, it's my damn garden,
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361. and I'm sick of you kids
dressing up
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362. and having talks of betrayal
in it!
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363. 70-inch television.
That would be good.
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364. Ooh, but 80% off a computer.
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365. Maybe i'll be able to snag both.
- Doing all right there, rookie?
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366. - Oh!
Yes, sir.
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367. - Sorry, I didn't mean
to scare you.
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368. - No, I was just looking
at all these great things
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369. I can't afford.
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370. - Listen, I know why you took
this part-time job.
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371. - You-you do?
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372. - I see it in you.
You care about people.
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373. Same reason I do it every year.
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374. You remind me of my son.
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375. He died on Black Friday
in '89.
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376. Guess I'm still trying
to save him.
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377. Look, I just want to say I-
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378. I really appreciate
what you're doing.
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379. I promised my wife this would be
the last Black Friday I worked.
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380. When I see folks like you,
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381. it makes me hopeful
that people will still be okay.
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382. - Yeah, awesome.
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383. - No, damn it, no lining up
behind the velvet rope.
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384. Ah, they just don't listen.
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385. Buzz, buzz.
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386. - Cartman's army is getting
bigger every day.
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387. In addition to the Federation
and the kindergartners,
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388. the Xbox army now also
has the kids
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389. who play Harry Potter,
the jocks,
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390. the swim team,
and the glee club.
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391. - Word is that the sixth graders
all prefer Xbox too
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392. and will team up
with Cartman as well.
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393. - And who do we have
on our side?
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394. - Besides us, it's the book club
and Janice Pinkerton.
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395. - Did you ask the vamp kids?
- They're still undecided.
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396. - There has to be a way
to get people on the fence
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397. to join our side.
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398. - PlayStation!
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399. - Look, Sir Stan, it's probably
time to give this up.
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400. - We're just
a dying breed, Stan.
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401. Xbox is going to win
this whole thing.
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402. - So we're just gonna let
other kids decide
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403. which game system
we all play on?
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404. What would they do
on Game of Thrones?
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405. What would they do when things
looked their darkest?
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406. - Huh?
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407. - Sorry to disturb you, sir,
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408. but we thought
you should see this.
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409. "Winter is coming.
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410. Choose side-o."
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411. - Just a small town
in Middle America,
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412. but apparently
a war is escalating.
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413. - Sir, if this were to become
a news story,
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414. and if the first people inside
their mall all got Xboxes,
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415. well, it clearly looks bad
for our image.
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416. - What's going to be
the big item
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417. everyone goes for
this Black Friday?
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418. It just might be
the PlayStation 4.
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419. Sony has just announced
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420. they're offering
a special Black Friday bundle
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421. called
the "Brack Friday Bunduru,"
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422. which will include
four controllers,
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423. a map of Japan, $100 rebate,
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424. and allow you
to automatically preorder
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425. for Metal Gear Solid V.
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426. No doubt Sony
has just raised the stakes.
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427. - Yes.
Good, Federation kids.
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428. You're learning to fight
with your hands.
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429. Keep pushing, kindergartners!
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430. Sir Kyle,
I know that Sony's offering
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431. a special
Black Friday Bunduru.
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432. You know the Xbox
is still better, right?
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433. - Yeah, but why can't Xbox
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434. automatically let you
preorder Metal Gear Solid V?
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435. - Sir Kyle, preorder doesn't
mean shit, okay?
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436. When you preorder a game,
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437. you're just committing
to paying for something
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438. that some assholes
in California
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439. haven't even finished
working on yet.
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440. You know what you get
for preordering a game?
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441. A big dick in your mouth.
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442. - All right, listen up.
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443. The mall's no longer
allowing people
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444. to line up for Black Friday
until Thanksgiving night.
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445. - No, we've been here!
- We're waiting!
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446. - It's okay.
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447. To hold places in line,
we're handing out wristbands.
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448. Ahh! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
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449. - Wristbands!
- Give us the wristbands!
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450. - Wristbands!
- Back!
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451. Back, all of you!
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452. If that's how you are,
there'll be no wristbands.
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453. Now go!
- Oh!
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454. - Back away!
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455. - I'm getting my son
that Elmo doll, you fuck!
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456. - No!
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457. You did good.
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458. The watch is yours now.
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459. - No, you can't die.
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460. Everybody really likes you.
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461. - This is what we signed up for,
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462. right, my friend?
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463. - No, I was lying to you.
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464. I took this job to be
at the front of the line
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465. on Black Friday.
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466. - Ha.
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467. Now you know
how serious this is.
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468. Whatever your intentions before,
protect this town.
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469. You are in charge now.
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470. Take this.
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471. Don't let Black Friday
be the end.
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472. - Get back inside.
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473. We have work to do.
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474. - When we started this fight,
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475. it was because we were tired
of Xbox people
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476. telling us PlayStation sucked.
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477. Now, we are an army
of our own!
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478. I can't guarantee
you will live,
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479. but I can guarantee
that before this is over,
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480. the winner of the console wars
will be decided.
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481. Our new leader has joined us
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482. to help make sure that system
is the PS4!
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483. All hail the princess!
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484. The princess!
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