South Park 17x5

1. I'm goin' down to South Park

2. Gonna have myself a time

3. - Friendly faces everywhere

4. Humble folks without temptation

5. I'm goin' down to South Park

6. Gonna leave my woes behind

7. - Ample parking day or night

8. People spouting, "Howdy neighbor"

9. Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind

10. Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine

11. Students, I would love to introduce you all

12. to the future, mkay?

13. Starting today, our school

14. will be operating entirely on Intellilink.

15. Now, whenever you need to see the school nurse

16. or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up

17. using this simple integrated portal.

18. Mkay.

19. You can use a computer or any of the Intellilink panels

20. which are located throughout the school.

21. Let's say you're in the cafeteria, mkay?

22. And you start coughing up blood and need to see the nurse.

23. You just click on "school clinic."

24. Mkay? "See nurse."

25. Mkay? "Respiration problems."

26. - J'All night long

27. Okay, I must be in the wrong menu, mkay?

28. You can see you can control the sound system as well, mkay?

29. It's all integrated and smartlinked,

30. and this is a great idea, mkay?

31. Let's look at the message board. "Message board."

32. "Message board."

33. Here you can easily write messages to each other

34. or to the faculty, mkay? For instance, here we go.

35. Here's a message from Kyle's little brother, Ike Broflovski.

36. Mkay, little Ike says, "My brother is a homo."

37. Ike made a little drawing of his brother too.

38. Drew a nice picture with a nice bird

39. hanging off Kyle's forehead, mkay?

40. That's nice.

41. - That's a nice crane,

42. nice whooping crane coming off Kyle's head there.

43. That's not a crane. It's a dick and balls.

44. - Mom, Ike did it again.

45. I don't know what's going on with him,

46. but it's like he hates me.

47. Oh, Kyle, your little brother is getting older.

48. He's not a baby anymore.

49. I know, but he posted a message of me

50. with a schlong on my head.

51. - It's natural, bubie.

52. Part of getting older

53. is finding ways to assert your independence, you know.

54. Why don't you go and try to talk to him?

55. You can win him over again.

56. Hey, Ike. How's it going?

57. Get out of my room, Kyle. I'm on my computer.

58. - I just wanted to see

59. if maybe you want to do finger paints with me?

60. Do I look like I want to do fucking finger paints?

61. Look at the fucking zits on my face.

62. Ike, I just want us to be friends again.

63. - Then stop harassing me, bro.

64. You don't know what it's like to be a baby going through puberty.

65. I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba!

66. or go out and tame some strange!

67. Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba! like old times.

68. - Come on, let's dance

69. - Go, go, go, Toodee

70. Go, go, go, Toodee

71. - Come on, let's dance!

72. - Brobee, go, go

73. - Dancey dance is my favorite.

74. It always has been. See? This is nice.

75. - Go, go, go, Foofa

76. Come on, Foofa

77. - Come on, let's dance

78. Who would you rather fuck, Foofa or Toodee?

79. - What? - I want to fuck Foofa.

80. - J' Come on J' - J' Come on, let's dance

81. I wouldn't want to fuck Toodee.

82. She's a dyke. You can tell.

83. But Foofa, man-I bet she's got some sweet strange.

84. Go, go, do the Plex, go, go

85. I don't even know what the fuck Muno is.

86. - Ike, is that chewing tobacco?

87. What, you gonna fucking narc and tell Mom?

88. No, I just don't think it's healthy.

89. That's 'cause you don't understand shit!

90. I knew this was a bad idea!

91. I'm gonna go watch Yo Gabba Gabba! in my roomsies.

92. Come in, mkay.

93. - Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?

94. Mkay, have you set up a counseling appointment

95. on Intellilink? - No.

96. Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

97. We can use Intellilink to see what's available.

98. Let's see. "Counseling request."

99. "Students."

100. "Make appointment."

101. Mkay. Oh, whoops.

102. Okay, "students." "Make..

103. Oh, here we go. "Make appointment."

104. Mkay, here we go.

105. Mkay, what do you need counseling with?

106. - It's my little brother.

107. He's really changing, and I feel like-

108. Mkay, I'll click on "family issues."

109. What time did you want counseling?

110. - Right now. - Mkay.

111. And what is your brother's Intelligrated smart name?

112. - I don't know.

113. All right, I can do a lookup for the name.

114. "Go back."

115. "Main menu."

116. Oh, damn it!

117. - Oh, oh, oh - Okay, now back. "Set"-

118. - Oh, oh, oh - No, "set appointment."

119. - Tell me can you feel it - Okay. "Speakers off."

120. Mkay, uh... mkay, what is your smart name, Kyle?

121. - Tell me can you feel it - What?

122. Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else.

123. Let's find an Intellilink panel somewhere.

124. Okay, let's see, "lights,"mood,"

125. "start counseling timer."

126. Okay, there we go.

127. Okay, we got it.

128. Okay, now, Kyle, you have some concerns

129. about your little brother?

130. - He's just changing a lot.

131. He walks around angry, telling me I'm stupid,

132. and all he talks about is sex.

133. Well, it sounds like he's hitting puberty.

134. - Yeah, he just seems so young.

135. Well, your brother is Canadian.

136. Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different.

137. Why don't you educate yourself about Canadian puberty,

138. and it can be something you and your brother

139. can actually do together, mkay?

140. You know, this is the first time I've been able to do counseling

141. and go to the bathroom at the same time.

142. Intellilink is amazing.

143. - Hello, young people.

144. And welcome to the most fascinating time of your life.

145. You have braved the trials of childhood,

146. and now you are reaching Canadian puberty.

147. By now, you've probably noticed some changes in your body.

148. For instance, when you fart, your dick gets hard.

149. Other physical changes are happening to your body as well.

150. If you're a boy, you may notice that your testicles ache.

151. Or if you're a girl, you may notice

152. a tingling sensation in your strange.

153. This is stupid, bro. I already know all this.

154. Let's just give it a chance, Ike.

155. Going through Canadian puberty,

156. you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well.

157. You're saying things like, "Hey, buddy," and, "Hey, guy,"

158. because now that you're older, you're discovering

159. that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy.

160. And someone who you used to call "guy"

161. is quickly becoming your friend.

162. But now let's discuss how a man and woman make love.

163. First, a man and a woman fall in love.

164. Then the man farts on the woman's strange...

165. filling the woman's strange with air

166. so that the woman can queef in the man's face,

167. and a baby is born.

168. The entire process can take up to six months-

169. It's what?

170. That's not how babies are born?

171. What's semen?

172. Then why did my wife queef in my face?

173. She said it was to-

174. Then why would sh-

175. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

176. Make me look like an idiot, will you?

177. Hey, you told me you queefed in my face

178. because that's how babies are born.

179. - I was being sarcastic. - Being sarcastic?

180. I just told a million Canadian teenagers that's how it's done.

181. I was angry because you never listen to me

182. because I wanted you to go with me to therapy and you never go.

183. Fine! You want to go with you to therapy? Fine!

184. Totally embarrassing and degrading.

185. She queefed right in my face.

186. Well, maybe you should spend less time at work

187. making public-health films and more time at home.

188. - What the fuck is going on?

189. - You're fucking stupid, Kyle.

190. J'J"

191. I don't know what else to do, dude!

192. No matter what I try, me and Ike

193. just seem to drift further apart!

194. He doesn't ever want to play with you anymore?

195. He doesn't even want me near him!

196. - Oh, oh, oh - That sucks, dude!

197. - What? - I said, "That sucks, dude!"

198. - Oh, thanks. - We're gonna have a party

199. - All ni-

200. - Okay, there we go.

201. That's got the speakers off.

202. Now, what was it you trying to do, Kyle?

203. I was trying to make an appointment

204. to see the principal about getting excused on Friday

205. so I can take my brother to see Yo Gabba Gabba! Live!

206. Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal?

207. - No, this is gonna work.

208. I called Intellilink,

209. and they said they were sending over an engineer.

210. Is this classroom 7?

211. - Yes. - My name's Cody.

212. I'm your smartnician.

213. You're having some Intelliproblems

214. with your astute links?

215. Yeah, a student's trying to make an appointment

216. to see the principal, mkay?

217. Uh-huh, well, here's the problem.

218. Your smart names aren't Intelligrated.

219. - Oh, I see. - If you want to have

220. those Intelligrated with Easylink,

221. you might want to upgrade your system to the silver package.

222. I needed the silver package? Mkay, mkay.

223. Can we do that?

224. Let me call my supervisor on the Intelliphone.

225. Hey, Ike.

226. Get out of my room, Kyle. I'm playing trucks!

227. Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday.

228. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba! Live!

229. - You promised.

230. I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.

231. What am I supposed to do, go see it myself?

232. I'm a little baby. Who's gonna hold my fucking hand?

233. You don't give a shit about how I feel.

234. - Ike, I do. I just- - You love pushing me around.

235. Is that what you want to do, Kyle, kick the baby?

236. I'm ready, bro. Come on, Kyle, kick the baby.

237. Come on, bro, kick the fucking baby.

238. Let's see you try it, wuss!

239. - Don't bite people

240. Don't ever bite people

241. Hey, Muno, what should we do now?

242. - Let's play a cool, cool trick.

243. - All right!

244. Who out in the audience has a cool, cool trick to show us?

245. What's your name, little boy?

246. - My name is Ryan.

247. And what is your cool, cool trick, Ryan?

248. My cool, cool trick is that I can jump in the air.

249. - Yay! - Oh!

250. - All right, Ryan.

251. Let's see you jump in the air.

252. Way to go, Ryan! All right!

253. And what's your name, little boy'?

254. - Ike Broflovski.

255. - Do you have a cool trick?

256. Yeah, for my cool, cool trick, I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange.

257. - Tame a what?

258. I can tame Foofa's strange, bro.

259. - Uh... all right.

260. Let's see our friend Ike tame Foofa's strange!

261. - Ike, no, stop!

262. Oh, I see, you're actually-

263. Wait! Oh, my God! What are you doing?

264. No, no, no! What are you doing to Foofa? No!

265. Now you listen here, little boy.

266. It is never okay to take off your clothes

267. and grind on another person.

268. - No, that's wrong! - Don't do it!

269. We're so sorry. Please forgive my little brother.

270. He's going through puberty.

271. A little young for that, isn't he?

272. - That's what I thought. - This is stupid, bro.

273. Foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids.

274. She's fucking fine, dude.

275. What you did was very traumatic for Foofa.

276. Isn't that right, Foofa?

277. Foofa? - He's right, Plex.

278. We're getting older.

279. I don't want to do the little-kid thing

280. the rest of my life.

281. - Foofa, what you talking about?

282. It's time for us to start playing to older people.

283. Maybe we need to be edgier, have a little sex appeal.

284. - Foofa, no! - I'm an artist.

285. And if all I ever do is play to kids, then I'll be a joke.

286. I have to move on.

287. Oh, God, what has this little boy done?

288. I try not to think about it, Rick.

289. I try to just forget about it and then move on, but I can't.

290. I mean, she queefed right in my face.

291. Have you and your wife seen a therapist together?

292. Yes, we went, but I just can't erase the memory

293. of my helpless face being queefed on like that.

294. Who's to say she won't do it again?

295. Don't you think this has something to do

296. with your new job?

297. - What do you mean? - There's more to this, Terry.

298. A lady never queefs in her lord's face

299. without some major cause.

300. You started as the Canadian Minister of Health,

301. and three months later, your wife queefed in your face.

302. There's a connection.

303. I took the job to try and make

304. Canada's health care system better.

305. What could that have to do with your wife?

306. Terry, I'm your friend, and I'm not just your friend.

307. I'm also your buddy. - Thanks, guy.

308. And I'm telling you there's more to this than you think,

309. and if you want to save your marriage and your face,

310. you need to figure it out quick.

311. Mr. Mackey, so far, the school has spent

312. $22,000 on the Intellilink system,

313. and so far, it's been an unmitigated disaster.

314. Yeah, but, see, the problem is

315. not everyone is signed on to it yet.

316. They can't sign on to it, because every time they try,

317. they make the sprinklers go off.

318. I know that Intellilink has had some hiccups, okay?

319. But I've hired a new faculty member

320. whose sole responsibility

321. will be to oversee the Intellilink system

322. and make sure it runs smoothly.

323. I want you all to meet Pat Conners.

324. - Hello, everyone. - Don't hello us, Pat!

325. This system that you're responsible for now

326. isn't working out.

327. So what the hell are you gonna do about it?

328. Oh, well, I'm just sort of getting acclimated

329. to the situation, and- - Getting acclimated?

330. Do you know how much money we wasted on this thing?

331. How about you take some damn responsibility?

332. Get the hell out of here, Pat! You're fired! Get out!

333. Well, how the hell are we gonna clean up Pat's mess?

334. I guess-I don't know. I guess we got no choice, mkay?

335. We're just gonna need to upgrade to the Intellilink gold package.

336. - Oh, no. - It's a $10,000 upgrade,

337. but it should clean up all of Pat's mistakes.

338. Mr. Mackey, let's be clear. Intellilink was your idea.

339. You should just admit it was a bad one

340. and stop being so defensive.

341. Well, it's good to be a little defensive

342. around you, Miles, mkay?

343. Let's not forget your wife died of an "accident"

344. while you were "drinking" on a "hike."

345. "Mkay"?

346. - Hey, now listen here- - No, now you listen to me!

347. Intellilink is a great idea,

348. and we just need the Goddamn gold package!

349. We are doubling down!

350. You're watching E! Entertainment News.

351. God knows why.

352. She's all grown up, and she wants you to know it.

353. From kid-show star to sex symbol,

354. Yo Gabba Gabba's! Foofa is ready to rock.

355. She's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot,

356. and now Foofa has announced a raunchy performance

357. on the MTV Video Music Awards.

358. Foofa's new manager claims the MTV performance

359. will be one for the record books.

360. Foofa's got that nice shaved strange

361. that you just want to get in and tame the second you see it.

362. The Video Awards are at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow.

363. - Oh, this is so exciting.

364. - Told you it'd go over well.

365. Excuse me, but Ike has homework

366. he's supposed to be doing.

367. Shut up, Kyle! Just ignore my little brother.

368. I'm your big brother, Ike!

369. - Answer the door, twerp!

370. - Can I talk to you?

371. - I'm sorry, but right now-

372. - Foofa!

373. - There she is! - Hey!

374. - Foofa, what is this

375. about you going on the MTV Video Awards?

376. - I'm done being a kiddie star.

377. Foofa, you don't have to show your strange

378. to get attention.

379. You just don't get it 'cause you're a robot, Plex.

380. All right, you won't listen to us,

381. but maybe you'll listen to our special guest,

382. Sinead O'Connor!

383. - Yay. - Rah rah!

384. Don't do it, Foofa.

385. Don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards.

386. Ah, screw off, Sinead O'Connor.

387. No one gives a crap about you.

388. Don't show your strange on TV

389. - Don't show your strange

390. Your strange is for your husband

391. Not for all the world to see

392. Don't show your strange on TV

393. I'm looking for a boyfriend

394. Looking for a boyfriend

395. Will you get out of my living room, please?

396. Hello.

397. Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face?

398. - What? - I'm sorry.

399. I'm calling everyone in the Canadian health care system

400. to find out if they're pleased with their health care.

401. Is this Ike Broflovski? - No, this is his brother.

402. Your brother receives his medication from us,

403. and we just want to be sure he's satisfied with the service.

404. Satisfied with- Wait a minute. What medication?

405. - Before this meeting continues,

406. I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive

407. for queefy sauce.

408. I'm sorry, but I don't really care.

409. I just want to know what medication

410. my little brother has been getting from you and why.

411. People all over the world get their medication from Canada.

412. Yeah, but something is wrong with my brother,

413. and it might be your fault.

414. - That's impossible.

415. The Canadian health care system is completely integrated

416. and streamlined with Intellilink.

417. You use Intellilink'? Oh, my God!

418. Will you check his records, please?

419. - Sure, no problem.

420. Now, what is your brother's Canadian Medicare smart name?

421. - I don't know.

422. Try Strange Tamer.

423. Strange... Tamer.

424. Ah, yep, there it is.

425. Ah, yes, here we go.

426. I see your little brother has a constipation problem

427. and has been taking a daily laxative since last May.

428. Ah, yes, I'm afraid Intellilink mixed that up,

429. and your brother has been receiving

430. large doses of hormones that were supposed to go

431. to an athlete in the Northeast.

432. Are you saying that Ike has been given regular doses

433. of hormones because of an Intellilink screwup?

434. - Yes, that's right. - That system

435. is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc!

436. It's fine! It works fine! Just give it some time!

437. God, you sound like my wife.

438. My-my wife.

439. That must be it. Don't you see, Terry?

440. That health care integration system

441. has made you defensive and hostile,

442. and your wife's been putting up with it.

443. And that's why she queefed in my face.

444. Excuse me! If my little brother

445. has been getting some athlete's hormones,

446. then who has been getting Ike's medication?

447. Tom Brady looking sluggish again today.

448. Not sure what his problem has been lately.

449. Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile

450. as he has in the past.

451. Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut hut...

452. Aah! Hike!

453. - Brady steps back to pass.

454. He's got an open man at the 40-yard line.

455. And whatever is wrong with Tom Brady

456. just seems to be getting worse.

457. Go, Broncos.

458. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

459. Caught up in the action, I've been looking out for you

460. Oh-

461. - Okay, there we go.

462. Your students can buy school lunches now,

463. but they won't be able to get grades.

464. No! They have to be able to get grades.

465. Well, what you probably want to do

466. is upgrade to Intellilink platinum.

467. No! There's no more upgrading, mkay?

468. I just want this to work.

469. What exactly do you mean by "work"?

470. I just want students to be able to make appointments

471. to see the counselor,

472. be able to see the school nurse

473. in the easiest, most streamlined fashion!

474. Oh, you want the centurion package.

475. That's where we take all the Intellilink panels

476. and we rip them off the walls and we burn them.

477. Then we wipe all the computers of Intellilink software,

478. and you never deal with us again.

479. All right, upgrade me to the centurion package

480. - Right away.

481. All right, sir, here's a clipboard you can use

482. for students to sign up for counseling,

483. and I want to thank you for choosing Intellilink.

484. The MTV Video Music Awards will be back

485. with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabba's! Foofa,

486. singing Pound My Sweet Strange.

487. - Two minutes, Foofa.

488. Thanks. Oh, my, here we go.

489. - Ike, wait!

490. - Get out of here, dude!

491. Ike, there's been a mistake. You don't understand.

492. No, you don't understand, wuss.

493. Why can't you just let me grow up?

494. Why do you keep harassing me?

495. Because you're my little brother, God damn it,

496. and even when I'm 50 and you're 45,

497. you're still gonna be my little brother.

498. All right, y'all, here comes our next big act.

499. Ike, I don't care if you want to grow up.

500. I just want to be by your side while you do it.

501. Give it up for the sexiest bitch on Earth.

502. It's Foofa!

503. Come on, Ike. Ike?

504. - He's right, Foof.

505. Part of growing up is rebelling,

506. but I'm gonna get older whether I like it or not.

507. So why push it?

508. I think I'm just gonna let it happen naturally.

509. - Yay! - Yay!

510. - Foofa?

511. - Come on, come on

512. Pound my strange

513. Pound it like this, pound it like that

514. - It was a mistake.

515. - What?

516. Trying to reform Canada's health care system

517. and being too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working.

518. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated,

519. I wouldn't listen.

520. Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention.

521. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.

522. - I deserved it.

523. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care

524. into an integrated computer system would go smoothly

525. deserves a giant queef in their face.

526. Thank you, my lady.

527. So Intellilink is gone, my lord?

528. Yes, I've upgraded to the gold package.

529. Within no time, Canadians everywhere

530. will be getting their correct medications

531. and going back to normal.

532. Kyle!

533. It's Dora the Explorer!

534. Come on, let's climb the mountain.

535. - It sure is!

536. You want me to watch it with you, Ike?

537. - Yay!

538. We made it all the way to the top.

539. Oh, man, I wouldn't mind hitting that.

540. I bet she's got that hot Puerto Rican strange.

541. - Yeah, I bet she does.

542. - Yay!