South Park 17x4

1. So I cast my body into the trails of blood.

2. The knife pierces deep, deep into my lonely eyes,

3. so I can see this black world no more.

4. Whoa, that's pretty hardcore.

5. That's real pain right there.

6. That's how I feel when my mother abuses me.

7. I just want to escape so she can't hurt me anymore.

8. Henrietta, sweetie!

9. Shut up, mom, go away.

10. Oh, but remember daddy wanted to talk to you

11. in the living room, my dark little princess.

12. Stop calling me a princess.

13. I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie.

14. We'll be waiting in the living room.

15. God, she just never stops.

16. Oh, goodness, I am so nervous.

17. - What? - Have a seat, Henrietta.

18. - Ooh, a little family chitchat. - Shut up, mom.

19. Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I

20. have been concerned about your behavior for some time.

21. Are we really doing this again?

22. We've had a hard time coping

23. with the dark things you're into,

24. but we've finally had some counseling.

25. Apparently we're not the only parents

26. who have a child that is "emo."

27. - What? - But daddy and I love our little muffin,

28. even if she's emo or not.

29. I'm not a fucking emo.

30. Don't you even know the fucking diff?

31. Do you know how your foul language

32. breaks your mother's heart?

33. Like calling mommy "demon jizz."

34. So, listen, sweetie, we've found a camp.

35. No.

36. A camp which is for troubled kids like you,

37. and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.

38. I'm not going to any fucking camp.

39. It's for two weeks and when you come back

40. we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.

41. I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead

42. I'll walk out of that camp, and I'll walk the streets

43. until I probably get picked up and gang-banged by criminals

44. until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes.

45. They have a horseshoe pit

46. where you can challenge the other kids to horseshoes.

47. And that's all you know?

48. What else did she say?

49. She said that her parents called her an emo

50. and she had to go to this camp for two weeks.

51. Oh, my God, for two weeks?

52. - Is she at the camp now? - I don't know.

53. She texted from the bus they put her on

54. then she said she wasn't even allowed

55. to have her cell phone where she was going.

56. Then all of a sudden, her texts went dark.

57. - Whoa. - That's fucking creepy, man.

58. I just can't believe it.

59. I can't believe parents would do that to their child.

60. All right, now, you say that you witnessed your friend

61. being abused by her parents.

62. Yes.

63. They called her an emo.

64. - What's wrong with that? - Emos suck.

65. They're vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes.

66. So why do you think they called her that?

67. Because she's goth,

68. and some ignorant people don't know the difference.

69. What is the difference?

70. Oh, my God, they're totally different.

71. Okay, different how?

72. They're... you know, one is good,

73. and... and emos are horrible.

74. They're... you know, they're posers.

75. Emos suck my goth balls.

76. All right, all right, think of it this way.

77. A goth believes that, deep down, the world is totally fucked up.

78. But an emo thinks that, deep down,

79. they are totally fucked up.

80. That's not much of a difference.

81. - That's a huge fucking difference. - Okay, okay, look,

82. emos are more prone to suicide.

83. This fucking bitch, man.

84. But goths are more prone to be depressed

85. that so many people commit suicide.

86. Goth's darkness is nihilistic, whereas emo's is cynical.

87. Wait, I thought we were cynical.

88. - Wh... whatever, it doesn't matter. - No, see, you're nihilistic.

89. Oh, yeah, you're right.

90. Hello? Somebody let me out of here.

91. You can't treat people like this.

92. This is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with you?

93. I'm gonna go to the fucking cops when I get out of here.

94. What if she comes back

95. and she's all preppy and conformist?

96. She's only been there two weeks.

97. They can't have changed her that much.

98. Can they have?

99. Oh, my God.

100. Hey, guys.

101. What the hell have they done to you?

102. What do you mean? They couldn't do anything.

103. They can't fix me.

104. They don't even understand me.

105. Oh, my God, it's worse than we thought.

106. They made her emo!

107. Has she said one word to either one of you guys?

108. Nothing.

109. It's like she's a totally different person.

110. She won't even look at us.

111. All she does now is hang out with the

112. douchebag emo kids.

113. God, P.E. class is for such wannabe posers.

114. I'd rather kill myself than put on gym shorts.

115. I wish there'd just be an earthquake

116. so we could all die.

117. Ugh, how can she hang out with them?

118. There must be something else going on here.

119. Not now, mom! I'm suicidal.

120. It's not your mom, it's me.

121. Oh, hey.

122. What did they do to you at that camp?

123. What do you mean?

124. Just the usual group therapy crap.

125. Don't take this the wrong way,

126. but I think that place turned you into an emo.

127. That's ridiculous. I'm not anything.

128. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?

129. Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate?

130. I was thinking,

131. maybe they just made you confused at that place.

132. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing.

133. But then I started thinking...

134. maybe that place turned you emo on purpose.

135. Like, maybe they knew what they were doing.

136. You should probably stop digging for answers.

137. What?

138. There's no winning this for you.

139. Soon, the entire world will be emo.

140. It is our time.

141. No way.

142. Nobody understands us.

143. And they won't understand until it is far too late.

144. Oh, my God, no way!

145. Do not fight it, Michael.

146. Is being emo really all that different from being goth?

147. Join us.

148. No way!

149. No way, no way!

150. Death and despair!

151. Death and despair!

152. Death and despair!

153. Death and desp...

154. Hello?

155. It's worse than we thought.

156. What is, everything?

157. No, I mean Henrietta. I confronted her,

158. and she was all like, "I am emo,

159. and emos are going to rule the world."

160. And I was like, no way!

161. And she was like, "yeah, soon it will be too late."

162. And I was all, no way! No way.

163. Yeah, so listen, call up Firkle,

164. and meet me at Village Inn.

165. I've got to run home, but I'll be there in ten minutes.

166. Michael? Michael!

167. Can't now, mom, I've got an emergency.

168. In the dining room, Michael. Let's go.

169. Have a seat, son.

170. Your mom and I have decided

171. you're going to go away for a little while.

172. What?

173. We've been put in touch with this camp

174. for troubled kids like you and...

175. What the hell are you talking about?

176. This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!

177. No, you gotta listen to me!

178. You don't know what you're doing!

179. You fucking conformists!

180. They're evil!

181. I never thought it would end like this.

182. I never thought that goths would just be

183. slowly replaced by emos.

184. Pete... if they get me,

185. if I get sent to that camp and I come back emo,

186. kill me.

187. Promise that you'll kill me.

188. I promise.

189. Hey, you kids need to order something or you need to go.

190. Not now, lady, we're really depressed.

191. - So what else is new? - This is different, okay!

192. Our two friends are being body-snatched by emos!

193. There's only one other group who understands emos like we do.

194. We're gonna have to team up with the vampires.

195. - Are you crazy? - What choice do we have?

196. The vampires are our sworn enemies.

197. We beat up their leader and burned down their lair.

198. - Don't you remember? - Yeah, I remember.

199. But it may be a suicide mission,

200. but we have to walk right into the middle of the vampires

201. and ask them for help.

202. Okay, let's all be seated, please.

203. This is the noon meeting of the vamp kids.

204. I am Mike, your lord and dark master, per se.

205. Hail Mike.

206. Okay, our main order of business is, of course,

207. the Halloween social.

208. We're still looking for volunteers to make the...

209. It's the goth kids!

210. Ugh, you spit on me, Larry.

211. Uh, hey, everybody.

212. Uh, I know we aren't on the greatest terms right now.

213. We realize we called you all queermos

214. and we're sorry we burned down the hot topic at the mall.

215. Sorry.

216. But, uh, we've got a bigger problem here,

217. and it's all of our problem.

218. You've got a lot of nerve coming here.

219. Yeah, shut up, Mike. Listen, okay?

220. There's a camp that kids like us are being sent to,

221. and somehow this place is taking kids like us

222. and turning them emo.

223. Yeah.

224. You might not even be able to tell at first.

225. It could've already happened.

226. One of you might already be turned.

227. Okay, hold up. Hold up!

228. You mean that one of us might not really be a vamp kid?

229. Uh, right.

230. Well, whoever you is,

231. you better get your ass ready to run, motherfucker,

232. 'cause you a damn traitor.

233. And I'll bet you it's this little nigga right here.

234. Are you guys gonna go to the fall out boy concert?

235. I can't, I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.

236. Yeah, I'm cutting myself

237. to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.

238. Henrietta,

239. I baked cookies for your new little emo friends.

240. Not now, mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?

241. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment!

242. Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader you always wanted!

243. Does she still seem better?

244. Oh, much better.

245. She didn't call me a bitch,

246. and she actually apologized to me!

247. That's more like it.

248. You know what we should do

249. after us emos take over the earth?

250. We should, um, paint the white house black,

251. and we should have fall out boy play at the super bowl.

252. We're emos.

253. When we rule the earth, we're not gonna have football.

254. Oh, yeah.

255. And you say she just showed up like this?

256. You know Henrietta.

257. That thing in there is not Henrietta.

258. That blonde emo in there is Sarah Collins.

259. She was a vamp kid two weeks ago!

260. You want me to go in there and waste these motherfuckers?

261. I'll do it.

262. We can't just go in there and kick their asses.

263. We have to stop this thing at its source.

264. Indeed.

265. If there is some kind of black magic at work,

266. creating these monsters, then we will have to

267. use our most powerful vampiric abilities to stop it.

268. - Do you mean... - Yes, my child of darkness.

269. We must call upon the powers

270. of the vamp kids' most sacred entity, per se.

271. Only he can help us in this darkest time.

272. This calls for a summoning.

273. We call upon the creator of all that is dark,

274. the godfather of death and despair,

275. Edgar Allan Poe,

276. your followers in darkness beg for your help.

277. We summon to the world of the living

278. the great Edgar Allan Poe,

279. knower of all this is misery.

280. Your children need special guidance, per se.

281. This is your plan?

282. Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead?

283. Edgar Allan Poe was the original vamp kid.

284. No, he was the original goth,

285. but he's been dead for 150 years.

286. Hey, look, man,

287. all genres of gothic subcultures are derivative of Poe's work...

288. Motherfucker.

289. Look, we came to you for help,

290. and all you've done since then is waste our time.

291. Holy shit, look!

292. Where am I? What is this place?

293. It's him! It's Edgar Allan Poe.

294. Why have the living summoned me from my rest?

295. Uh, okay, okay, listen,

296. there's this camp for troubled kids, right?

297. Only they aren't helping kids,

298. they're purposely turning them into emos.

299. Emos?

300. Ew, my God, emos are such wannabe conformists.

301. - Yeah, oh, yes. - Right?

302. Children of darkness,

303. I would help you, but I fear I cannot be seen

304. with a bunch of douchey vamp kids

305. and their poser-ass plastic fangs.

306. - Thank you! - Hey!

307. I'm just saying it's nice to know

308. that Edgar Allan Poe agrees with us.

309. Agrees with who?

310. Is that red dye in your hair

311. or did a blood demon take a shit on your head, poser?

312. Uhoh, he got you there, nigga.

313. Okay, look, we're running out of time.

314. You have to help us stop the emos.

315. Why should I?

316. Just 'cause you summoned me

317. doesn't mean you're the boss of me.

318. Uh, yeah, it kind of does.

319. Oh, okay, mom.

320. Let's go fight the emos, mom.

321. What... where you ta...

322. No! No!

323. What the hell?

324. Oh, my God.

325. Get me out of here!

326. Let me go!

327. It's best you don't upset them.

328. What the hell are you doing to people?

329. Not me. I just work for them.

330. They're not evil, you know.

331. They're just misunderstood.

332. All I do is help the emos get into their human host.

333. They promised me, when they take over earth,

334. I can have a cabin on the lake and all the steak I can eat.

335. Wait a minute. Emos are plants?

336. Shh, shh, it's okay.

337. Not just any plant. They're very unique.

338. Very special!

339. Nobody understands them.

340. Emo-claris americanus.

341. Wonderful species,

342. except for their tendencies of self-mutilation

343. and the need for other species to acknowledge their pain.

344. Oh, it all makes sense now.

345. I'm sorry! Sorry, emo king!

346. Oh, no, I wasn't talking to him.

347. I mean, I was, but... Yes.

348. Yes, I understand.

349. Right away.

350. No! What are you doing?

351. I don't want to be emo!

352. You just don't understand.

353. You'll understand them soon.

354. What the...

355. It's quicker if you don't fight it.

356. No! Nooo!

357. All right, listen up.

358. Once we find our friend,

359. we gotta torch the place and get out.

360. Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?

361. You can't tell me what to do.

362. Who elected you the mayor of me?

363. Put it out, Edgar. It's annoying everybody.

364. God, you guys are so lame.

365. And if you want my help,

366. you better all stop calling me Edgar.

367. Well, that's your name, isn't it?

368. That's the name my stupid parents gave me.

369. I like to be called by my goth name,

370. Nightpain.

371. Oh, my God.

372. What? You guys are posers!

373. Hey, just so you all know,

374. if one of you ain't who they say they is,

375. and we get inside that base and you reveal

376. you actually one of them emo motherfuckers in disguise,

377. I will go crazy on your ass.

378. If one of us is a traitor,

379. it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.

380. Oh, fuck off, Nightpain.

381. Make me, poser.

382. Michael? You here?

383. I feel like we're being watched.

384. Dude, Michael, are you okay?

385. Kick it over. Stop the plant!

386. Oh! Oh, thank God you're here.

387. Emos are plants,

388. and they're invading human bodies.

389. All right, we're gonna get you out of here,

390. and then we're gonna burn this whole place down.

391. I'm sorry,

392. but I'm afraid that's not the plan.

393. You did very good.

394. The emo plants are pleased with your dedication.

395. Firkle, all this time we thought you were goth.

396. How long have you been emo?

397. Don't you see we can't stop them?

398. We might as well join 'em.

399. Yes, emo king, right away.

400. The emo king wants us to proceed at once.

401. Ugh, let us go, you ultimate conformists!

402. Don't fight it. It's quicker that way.

403. Oh, God, I'm starting to feel emo.

404. Wait a minute, where the hell is Edgar Allan Poe?

405. He said he was over this

406. and was gonna hang out at the Village Inn.

407. What?

408. Hey, are you gonna order any food

409. or are you just gonna sit there and drink coffee all day?

410. Leave me alone. I just want coffee.

411. - Little prick. - Bitch.

412. Poe?

413. Edgar Allan Poe, where are you?

414. What the hell are you doing?

415. You're supposed to be helping us.

416. I can't right now.

417. I'm dealing with a lot, and I just have a lot of anxiety.

418. Look, we summoned you to help us save the world.

419. What's the point?

420. Save some people so some other people can be lame?

421. And then those lame-os can be lame to some other posers?

422. God, he is such a downer.

423. Just let the spores inside you.

424. Stop fighting it.

425. Wait, look!

426. Okay, I'm here, posers.

427. Nightpain! Destroy the plant leader!

428. The leader, over there!

429. What do you want me to do?

430. Shoot it!

431. Really? Shoot a plant?

432. Shoot it!

433. Wait a minute.

434. What is this?

435. This says it was bought

436. at Lowes Home and Garden for $29.95.

437. Lowes Home and Garden?

438. Hey, these are just plants.

439. No, they... they talk to me.

440. No, they're just, like, ficus plants in vibrating pots.

441. - But... - Looks like it's over,

442. Harold Flannigan!

443. So we have just one question for you...

444. are you scared?

445. - What do you mean? - Are you scared?

446. - Yes! - That's good!

447. 'Cause you're on,

448. "Yes, I Was Scared!"

449. What?

450. Look, look at the camera right there.

451. Oh, my God, are you serious?

452. Your wife Sarah put you up to this.

453. Ha ha, I got you!

454. This is a prank?

455. Oh, man, that's good. They got us good.

456. I turned traitor for no reason?

457. Did you know about this?

458. I have no idea what's going on.

459. Howard, did you suspect at all that the guardening job

460. at a camp for troubled teams was a set up?

461. No, they really had me convinced!

462. And you didn't suspect anything

463. when we had plants tell you to turn goths and vamp kids

464. into emos when really they're exactly the same thing?

465. I guess I should have figured it out.

466. I'm an idiot.

467. Tune in again next week,

468. when we make a woman from Milwaukee

469. think she's working at a haunted abortion clinic.

470. So, my friends,

471. have you made the transformation?

472. Uh... Henrietta, we have some bad news.

473. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo...

474. They're just plants...

475. from Lowes Home and Garden.

476. It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

477. No.

478. There's an organic spore in my head

479. that made me switch cliques so easily.

480. No, you just kind of did it on your own.

481. Oh, my God.

482. This is so embarrassing.

483. Uh, hang on.

484. What I meant to say was,

485. we just infiltrated the emo lair

486. and we torched the plant leader.

487. I... it's me!

488. I'm... I'm me again!

489. Oh, my God, I'm all better.

490. Thanks, you guys.

491. Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

492. Shut up, mom!

493. Leave me alone, you conformist

494. bag of demon jizz!

495. Fatty!

496. Ok, so Ike, do you have any questions?

497. You're fucking stupid, Kyle!

498. That's not a question.

499. All right,

500. how did yo uget so fucking stupid, Kyle?

501. Ike is back in an all new South Park,

502. next Wednesday at 10.

503. What the fuck is going on?