South Park 17x2

1. I'm goin' down to South Park

2. Gonna have myself a time

3. - Friendly faces everywhere

4. Humble folks without temptation

5. I'm goin' down to South Park

6. Gonna leave my woes behind

7. - Ample parking day or night

8. People spouting, "Howdy neighbor"

9. Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind

10. Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine

11. Unless we come together as a country

12. and realize that refugees from Syria

13. should be considered in need-

14. Boo! Boo, Wendy.

15. Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo.

16. Refugees from Syria should be considered in need

17. of international protection.

18. Boo, Wendy, boo! Boo, Wendy.

19. The vast majority of refugees from Syria

20. are likely to meet refugee status-

21. - Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo!

22. Boo, Wendy. Liar.

23. - Instead of booing my opinion,

24. why don't you make a constructive argument?

25. I'm not booing your opinion. I'm booing your report topic.

26. No one even knows what are-fuge-e is.

27. Boo! Boo, bad, boo.

28. Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please?

29. Mr. Garrison?

30. Huh? Oh. Oh, sorry, Wendy.

31. Uh, very nicely done. Thank you.

32. Okay, next report. Let's have Peter Mullen.

33. - Ugh! Jesus!

34. My report is on the vile and despicable trash

35. that our parents are watching on television.

36. Fellow students, there is a plague of smut

37. on our cable boxes.

38. Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes

39. and spousal homicides.

40. I'm talking, of course, about murder porn.

41. - Murder porn? - That's more like it.

42. According to the Nielsen ratings,

43. viewership in shows like Cold Case Files,

44. Date Line Murder, and Deadly Affairs

45. is skyrocketing amongst married couples.

46. The increased viewership has brought about

47. a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex

48. and innuendo to make spousal murder more titillating.

49. Shows like Southern-Fried Homicide,

50. Sinful Secrets, On the Case with Paula Zahn.

51. And it's all smut, and it's garbage, and it's trash!

52. Ah-ahem.

53. Your parents are watching this stuff.

54. Go home and ask them, and as we ask them,

55. we must also ask ourselves,

56. if they're obsessed with this stuff,

57. then how long, how long before one of our daddies

58. dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in

59. with a brick?

60. Oh, crap! Who could that be?

61. Oh, it's probably fucking Stan.

62. Uh, hang on a second, bud.

63. Come on in.

64. Oh, hey, Stan, what's up?

65. His wife is having sex with the neighbor,

66. and when her husband comes home,

67. he wants more than just a divorce.

68. " Ugh! " Aah!

69. You guys are watching murder porn?

70. - Murder porn?

71. Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.

72. - Adults like documentaries.

73. Yeah, Stan. These are based on real things.

74. This is like news. It's informative.

75. Parents like informative stuff.

76. - Okay-

77. Oh, we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?

78. - What's up, dude?

79. - Dude, do you know Aaron Hagan?

80. - Uh, yeah, the first-grader?

81. You should come down to his house.

82. His dad just killed his mom.

83. - What?

84. Aah!

85. Hey, that kid should not be seeing this.

86. - What happened?

87. You're making a mistake. Let me go.

88. It wasn't me, I tell you.

89. A burglar broke in. He was black.

90. He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face.

91. He was black!

92. Guys. Guys, I know we're all concerned,

93. but we have to work together.

94. How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?

95. The police found hours and hours of murder porn

96. on the Hagans' DVR.

97. What more proof do we need?

98. I called the networks that are putting this smut out there,

99. and you know what they told me?

100. They told me if I didn't want my parents watching,

101. then I should spend more time with them.

102. Like it's my fault.

103. This is the result of a broken society

104. in which profit comes before morals.

105. - Boo.

106. Boo, Wendy Testaburger, boo.

107. Look, everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied,

108. but the fact is, we can do something about this.

109. There's an app which can actually allow kids

110. to block things that their parents watch on television.

111. And it is password-protected with a security code

112. that only a child would know.

113. - Tonight at 10:00,

114. it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder

115. on Sexy Betrayals.

116. Then at 7:00, some like their murder

117. with a side of sexy biscuits

118. on Southern-Fried Homicide.

119. But now get ready for lust, betrayal, and murder

120. on Hot Load Case Files - Aah!

121. Oh, yeah, three of the best shows in a row.

122. - Is the lube over there?

123. - Yeah, I got lube right here.

124. - Well, get over here, big guy.

125. Yeah!

126. - What the-what the hell?

127. Yeah, hi, Uh.

128. We aren't getting our informative murder porn.

129. No, no, none of our channels

130. that have informative murder porn appear to be working.

131. Yeah, the screen just says,

132. "How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?"

133. Uh, yes, we do have children.

134. A what?

135. A parental lock?

136. Stan! Stan!

137. How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?

138. - What?

139. What is Minecraft, and how do you tame a horse in it?

140. You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.

141. Oh, come on, you can't block your parents

142. from watching informative murder porn.

143. What, you think if we watch shows about married people

144. killing each other all the time, we're gonna go out and do it?

145. That's stupid.

146. I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom

147. just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan.

148. It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway.

149. Even if hired someone else to kill her,

150. I'd have to kill that person too,

151. because 96% of the time

152. that person eventually tells the truth.

153. I've thought this through a lot.

154. Stan?

155. You're a lousy kid!

156. I wish Jaden Smith was my son!

157. Who do our children think they are,

158. blocking our TV content?

159. How are they able to do this with their smartphones?

160. - It's all right.

161. Our kids think they outsmarted us,

162. but we're the ones who pay the cable company.

163. What'd they say?

164. Can they remove the parental lock?

165. No, they just did their usual cable company runaround.

166. What? We'll see about this.

167. Excuse me.

168. Our content is being blocked, and we need it now.

169. I'm sorry, sir, if you need it now,

170. perhaps you should switch to another cable company.

171. Oh, there's not another cable company, is there?

172. Oh, that's right, we're the only one in town.

173. Look, if our kids can block content,

174. then you must be able to block them.

175. As we told the others, sir, we can fix it.

176. We just need to send a technician out to your house

177. to change out your cable box.

178. - Oh, okay, great.

179. We just need to find a window of time you can be home.

180. How about between the hours 6:00 a.m. And 3:00 p.m.

181. all of November?

182. No, I can't wait around my house

183. from 6:00 a.m. To 3:00 p.m. all of November!

184. Oh, you can't? Jeez, that's too bad.

185. You need to be home for the technician.

186. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV?

187. - I can't afford DirecTV.

188. - Oh, you can't?

189. Jeez, that's terrible.

190. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows.

191. - Well, any luck'?

192. No, just the usual cable company stuff.

193. Oh, well, guess we'll just have to live

194. without our informative crime dramas.

195. - No, screw that.

196. Can't we just learn this Minecraft game

197. so we can get around our kids' parental lock?

198. - I've tried!

199. It's not like other video games.

200. I really don't get it.

201. It was all retro and like Legos,

202. but then a bunch of kids online called me a grief er

203. and kicked me off.

204. - We can learn, Randy.

205. There's talk of a child.

206. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody

207. for the right price.

208. - Hello?

209. - Hi. Corey Lanskin?

210. - Yes.

211. We heard that you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults.

212. - Fuck off!

213. Look, we were told that you're available for hire,

214. and we're desperate.

215. - You was told wrong, misser.

216. I'm just a simple kid

217. with a simple passion for simple things.

218. - We have 100 ounces of silver.

219. Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones.

220. Now, we're going to select an empty world.

221. Selecting an empty world

222. will begin you being dropped onto a beach.

223. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees.

224. - Punching trees?

225. - Why would we punch trees?

226. - Just use your fucking brain.

227. How do you get wood?

228. Watching informative murder porn?

229. No, no! In this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?

230. - Punching trees?

231. - Right.

232. You punch the trees to get the wood.

233. You get the wood to build a cabin.

234. - Oh, I see.

235. So when does the game start?

236. You are playing the game. This is the game!

237. - I don't get it.

238. That's because you're thinking like a dad.

239. Minecraft- it don't got no winner.

240. It don't got no objective.

241. You're just fucking building shit

242. and seeing if other things can come and knock it down.

243. Now, let's click on the inventory,

244. and let's filter through the skins.

245. - Yes, I'm getting it now.

246. - You are? - No.

247. Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep.

248. - I almost got it, Sharon.

249. I found out where the horse is.

250. Now I just got to figure out how to tame one.

251. I'm really not in the mood now anyway.

252. Sharon, I miss being intimate with you.

253. Everything was so passionate, and then it just dropped off.

254. I feel like we're losing our bond.

255. We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.

256. No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends.

257. A marriage has to be more than that.

258. A marriage has to include fulfillments of fantasy

259. and desire sometimes.

260. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube?

261. - Well, I'm going sleep, Randy.

262. Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.

263. - There he is.

264. Hey, Kyle, the parental lock isn't working.

265. Our parents are still watching murder porn.

266. What? How do you know?

267. I caught my parents over at Bebe's house

268. Watching Seductive Homicides,

269. but Bebe bought the lock from the cable company.

270. - It's true.

271. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem.

272. They broke the parental lock somehow.

273. That's impossible. You guys sure you set it up right?

274. - You guys?

275. You guys, you better get over here.

276. - What? - Butters' dad killed his mom.

277. - Butters, what happened?

278. I was out by the lake last night,

279. and I saw my dad out in this field.

280. He was harvesting sugar cane.

281. It didn't make any sense,

282. because he was trying to harvest the sugar cane with a hammer.

283. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big...

284. thing he had built, and I yelled,

285. "Hey, watch out for the creeper," but she fell.

286. Wait. Wait. You mean in Minecraft?

287. Yeah, and then my dad just went berserk

288. and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well!

289. I was trapped down there all night!

290. Butters, your dad threw you down a well?

291. - In Minecraft. - What the hell is that?

292. I finally built a ladder, and I was able to hoist myself out,

293. and there was my dad, frozen in the lake.

294. It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it.

295. Oh, God, it was so terrible!

296. It was so terrible! - That's it.

297. That's how our parents broke the passcode.

298. I never thought anyone would stoop so low.

299. - What do you mean?

300. Somebody's teaching our parents Minecraft.

301. - Yes? - Hello, sir.

302. Had a little incident last night.

303. Wondering if you saw or heard anything.

304. - No. What happened?

305. Well, someone broke into your next-door neighbor's backyard,

306. and they dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.

307. - Punched his trees, huh?

308. Yes, sir, then we got a house across the street

309. where someone dug up the yard and built a cabin.

310. - Huh. That's weird.

311. What were you doing last night?

312. I was just playing Mine- m-my banjo.

313. - I play the banjo too.

314. Well, thanks for your time, sir.

315. You might want to keep the lights on in your yard tonight

316. in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.

317. Will do, officer. Will do.

318. All right, all right. Let's calm down.

319. I know we're all concerned here.

320. - Concerned?

321. Thanks to you and your stupid app,

322. parents are still watching murder porn,

323. and now they're screwing up Minecraft too.

324. I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents

325. to stop griefing my castle.

326. When I finally got away from them,

327. I found they had taken all my dandelions.

328. Why did we agree to that stupid app?

329. - You know why!

330. Because we're trying to keep our parents

331. from watching murder porn.

332. - And why was that?

333. Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom.

334. For all we know, that kid's parents had been doing drugs

335. and cheating on each other for years.

336. Maybe watching murder porn had nothing to do with it.

337. - I have to agree with Cartman.

338. Maybe we overreacted when the parents-

339. - Boo!

340. Boo, Wendy, boo.

341. - It's true, dude.

342. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out

343. what they see.

344. All right, that's enough.

345. Come on out, and there won't be any trouble.

346. Give it up, Stotch. You have nowhere to run.

347. - Huh?

348. - I'll never give up.

349. I don't even remember doing this.

350. Just leave me alone!

351. Ha ha! Nice one, Stotch.

352. Your castle fucking sucks!

353. - Ah, go to hell, you grief er!

354. All right, we got to do something.

355. - Hello?

356. - Corey Lanskin? - Yes.

357. We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.

358. What? What-what's a Minecraft?

359. Look, dude, we're trying to keep our parents away

360. from graphic television shows.

361. This could be a matter of life and death.

362. - No, please don't be angry.

363. My mommy always angry.

364. "Get back in the meat locker! "

365. Ouchie, ouchie! Mommy rape my no-no!

366. But she love me, right? Mommy love me?

367. - All right, sorry, kid.

368. Guess we have the wrong house.

369. - Okay-

370. Bye.

371. - What, dude?

372. Something he said. Did you hear him?

373. He said, "Ouchie, ouchie. Mommy rape my no-no."

374. - $0?

375. So, if I'd been caught lying about something,

376. that's exactly what I would have said.

377. Now that you've built a workbench,

378. it's time to go and build something to take care

379. of all those fucking sheep.

380. Just stop thinking with your grown-up brains and start using-

381. - Aha! - Oh, shit!

382. Son of a bitch!

383. Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world

384. without our parents being shown this stuff?

385. A kid's got to find some way to make a living, don't he?

386. You have no idea what this is about, do you?

387. We were using Minecraft to block our parents

388. from watching spousal homicide shows.

389. What, you mean like Investigative Discovery?

390. - So you know it. - Yeah, I've seen that stuff.

391. Who the Bleep Did I Marry?

392. True Crime with Aphrodite Jones.

393. Real sick shit.

394. Your parents watch that stuff?

395. We put a stop to it until you taught them Minecraft.

396. Your problem ain't with me, mates.

397. Sure, one or two people might act out

398. what they see in video games, but cable television?

399. People copy everything they see people do on cable.

400. You're going about this all wrong.

401. You want to protect your family,

402. you're gonna have to go fight the cable company.

403. - Hey, guys, can I help you?

404. Hello. There are certain networks

405. that we see as harmful to our families,

406. and we want them removed, please.

407. Oh, you don't want cable anymore?

408. - No, no, just ID network,

409. A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network,

410. all the ones with murder porn.

411. You don't like paying for all the channels?

412. Oh, our company actually packages channels together.

413. - Well, can you unpackage them

414. so we only get the channels we want?

415. Oh, I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way.

416. You want me to give you the number

417. of a different cable company that can-

418. Oh, wait. We're it, aren't we?

419. Dang it.

420. Guess you have to deal with our packages.

421. Can we talk to your supervisor, please?

422. Oh, sure. Hey, David.

423. Hi. Is there a problem here?

424. We want specific networks dropped from our cable.

425. Ah, you have to pay for the bundle.

426. You can't just pay for what you want to watch.

427. Darn it!

428. You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel?

429. I guess if you don't want to be forced to pay for Oprah,

430. you'd have to shut off your cable altogether.

431. Fine. Then we'll shut our cable off altogether.

432. Hey, Mitch, when can you get out

433. to shut off some cable boxes?

434. Oh, man, it's gonna be, like, three weeks.

435. There's a whole plug I have to pull out.

436. It's, like, four inches long.

437. - Three weeks, huh?

438. Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys?

439. - No, that's way too long.

440. - Oh, it is?

441. - Oh, jeez, that's terrible.

442. God damn it, I just don't want my parents

443. to murder each other!

444. Can't you see that all we're trying to do

445. is keep our families safe?

446. Look, I don't know if seeing couples

447. murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it,

448. and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching

449. what they want to watch.

450. All we're trying to do

451. is make it a little more difficult for them,

452. because cable makes it so convenient.

453. Sure, if they didn't have easy access

454. to their murder-porn channels, they'd be bummed out,

455. but it's not just our responsibility to give them

456. what they want, is it?

457. - Say-say that last part again? - What?

458. What was the last part you said?

459. I said it's not our responsibility

460. to give them what they want. - No, no, the part...

461. about your parents not getting the channels easily.

462. I said it would really bum them out.

463. How-how much would it bum them out?

464. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by

465. for an important message

466. from the president of your local cable company.

467. - Hello.

468. In an effort to comfort

469. the anguished cries of children everywhere,

470. your local cable company has decided to drop

471. all networks that sexualize spousal homicides

472. from regular programming.

473. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks

474. will now need to purchase a separate package...

475. which will require a technician to service your cable box

476. every night from 2:00 to 3:00 a.m.

477. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese.

478. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you,

479. and we hope you will voice all your concerns to us,

480. because at your local company,

481. the customer is always our bitch.

482. Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want.

483. You know what?

484. The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win

485. in a fight, you or Jaden Smith,

486. and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass.

487. He does movies, and he can sing,

488. and he's totally cool to his parents.

489. Well, then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad.

490. - I wish I could!

491. I wish I could live with Jaden Smith,

492. so I could be rich, and I wouldn't have to live

493. in a boring, sexless marriage,

494. where all your mom and I do is piss each other off!

495. Oh, crap.

496. Sharon, I-I'm sorry.

497. - No, you're right, Randy.

498. Without any sex, we just seem to get madder and madder

499. at each other.

500. No. No, you're right, Sharon.

501. We don't need informative murder porn

502. to find passion in our marriage.

503. We just have to get the spark back.

504. Let's go away somewhere, me and you,

505. somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us.

506. Sharon?

507. Hey, Sharon, are you here?

508. - I'm here, Randy.

509. - It's beautiful, isn't it?

510. Come on over here. I built us a fire.

511. Look what I got you.

512. Diamonds. They're beautiful.

513. - Just thought I'd surprise you,

514. and there's more where that came from.

515. I've got a surprise for you too, Randy.

516. Oh, yeah? What's that?

517. - Ha-aah!

518. - Aghhh!

519. Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?

520. Sorry. I couldn't resist.

521. Jesus, you stuck a pickax right in my skull!

522. Oh, I did. That felt really great.

523. - Felt great? - Yeah.

524. Hold on. Stay by the lake. I want to kill you now.

525. - Okay-

526. Oh, my God, you put that sword right through my face.

527. - That felt so good.

528. - My turn again. - Okay, hang on.

529. I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep.

530. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed?

531. Yeah, okay, I'm heading there now.

532. - You lazy jerk!

533. You never do anything around the house!

534. Oh! Oh, you bitch! Oh!

535. Oh, I love you, Randy.

536. I love you too, babe. Oh!