1. I am so sick of that stupid bitch.Copy !req
2. Blabbing, prissy little skank!Copy !req
3. Why do people talk on
the phone like that?Copy !req
4. I can't even get a minute of peaceCopy !req
5. before that bitch walks in holding
the cell phone out like thisCopy !req
6. and talking on speakerphone.Copy !req
7. Nobody wants to hear your goddamn
conversations you little bitch,Copy !req
8. you're not that important!Copy !req
9. Yeah, no dude,Copy !req
10. I'm telling you it was
the worst pain in my entire life.Copy !req
11. How many hours were you guys playing?Copy !req
12. Like six hours dude.Copy !req
13. And my friends were all like 'dudeCopy !req
14. Cartman we need you to
keep playing defense.'Copy !req
15. urhggh!Copy !req
16. You were playing football?Copy !req
17. Yeah but I was like,
'I can't you guys,Copy !req
18. I twisted my ankle'.Copy !req
19. In the end though
they really needed me to playCopy !req
20. so I played through the pain.Copy !req
21. Know what I'm saying?Copy !req
22. That is not what happenedCopy !req
23. you totally started
crying and quit the game!Copy !req
24. Kyle, this is a private conversation!Copy !req
25. Then take that shit off speakerphone!Copy !req
26. Is that that same kid?Copy !req
27. Yeah it's that kid Kyle again.Copy !req
28. He's a total boner.Copy !req
29. Always listening in
on my phone calls.Copy !req
30. How do we have a choice?Copy !req
31. Stop listening to
my conversation Kyle!Copy !req
32. What are you, the NSA?Copy !req
33. Lawrence, remember I was tellingCopy !req
34. how the government listens toCopy !req
35. everyone's phone calls
and reads all our emails?Copy !req
36. Yeah, yeah you said that.Copy !req
37. My dad said the government
keeps a data base on everyone.Copy !req
38. - Who is that? Is that Toby?
- Yeah.Copy !req
39. Dude, Toby are you
over at Lawrence's?Copy !req
40. Yeah we're ditching school.Copy !req
41. You're what? What'd you say?Copy !req
42. Me and Toby are ditching school.Copy !req
43. I'm telling you guysCopy !req
44. the government thinks
they can do whatever they wantCopy !req
45. and we don't have
any privacy anymore.Copy !req
46. Just between you and me,Copy !req
47. I think everyone is too stupid to seeCopy !req
48. what this is all leading to.Copy !req
49. Did you guys read 1984?Copy !req
50. I don't think so.Copy !req
51. Yeah, I didn't read eitherCopy !req
52. but I saw the puppet show
version at Casa Bonita.Copy !req
53. We have to do something about this.Copy !req
54. We need to organize a rally.Copy !req
55. That'd be cool.Copy !req
56. That'd be what?Copy !req
57. It'd be cool.Copy !req
58. I know right,
a big rally to tell the governmentCopy !req
59. to stay out of our private lives!Copy !req
60. I'm gonna email everybody
and put it up on my blog pages.Copy !req
61. I seriously feel like
I'm being spied on right now.Copy !req
62. I'm sure the government has
a file on me a mile longCopy !req
63. that's why this is so important,
you know?Copy !req
64. Hang on I'm gonna make a video blogCopy !req
65. for my 'Stop Listening
To Me' website.Copy !req
66. Wassup everybody it's me again
just kickin' it at my school.Copy !req
67. There's gonna be a big rallyCopy !req
68. to tell the government to stop
gathering information on us.Copy !req
69. Gonna tweet you all the detailsCopy !req
70. but keep it quiet
cuz it's top secret.Copy !req
71. You guys gonna update your blogs too?Copy !req
72. Dude I can't really hear you LawrenceCopy !req
73. are you outside or something?Copy !req
74. I said I got
your tweet of the address.Copy !req
75. Okay. Well, put Toby back
on the phone you gotta startCopy !req
76. googling everyone
the directions to the rally site.Copy !req
77. Toby you there, bro?Copy !req
78. Yeah, I'm here bro.Copy !req
79. Bro you gotta, um,
email Dex about the rallyCopy !req
80. and see if he'll
bring petition forms.Copy !req
81. Will you please take your rally
conversation somewhere else?Copy !req
82. Oh hell no you did not just
invade my privacy again.Copy !req
83. That is the last straw Kyle!Copy !req
84. Everybody!Copy !req
85. Everybody, hey!Copy !req
86. Just so you knowCopy !req
87. we might have an NSA agent
right here at our school.Copy !req
88. What's the NSA?Copy !req
89. Just so you know.Copy !req
90. The government is watching
everything you do.Copy !req
91. Always watching.Copy !req
92. They say it's to keep us safe,Copy !req
93. but what price is safety, Kyle?Copy !req
94. The government watches
everything we do?Copy !req
95. Hello?Copy !req
96. Hey government.Copy !req
97. It's me.Copy !req
98. Butters.Copy !req
99. I just wanna say, wul,Copy !req
100. thanks for watchin' over me
and doing everything you do.Copy !req
101. And please watch
over Mommy and Daddy.Copy !req
102. And my friends Stan and Kyle,Copy !req
103. Craig and Token.Copy !req
104. And even ol' Eric Cartman.Copy !req
105. I know he can be a meany sometimes,Copy !req
106. but please watch over him too.Copy !req
107. G'night government.Copy !req
108. Oh yeah!Copy !req
109. And thank you President ObamaCopy !req
110. for making me feel
so safe and looked after.Copy !req
111. And if it wouldn't
be too much trouble,Copy !req
112. I'd really like to get
a puppy for Christmas this year.Copy !req
113. Night, government!Copy !req
114. Dude they have gone
too far this time!Copy !req
115. There is no doubt
the government is tracking me.Copy !req
116. We're gonna have to
put off the rally.Copy !req
117. They're spying on you?Copy !req
118. Yeah it's right here.Copy !req
119. I went to Amazon to see if
they had grand theft auto fiveCopy !req
120. and it says 'Copy !req
121. you might also be interested
in the Blu-Ray for Star Trek.'Copy !req
122. I'm totally interested in
the Blu-Bay for Star Trek.Copy !req
123. How did they know that unlessCopy !req
124. the government is keeping tabs on me?Copy !req
125. This is war bro.Copy !req
126. Forget the rally.Copy !req
127. We have to go hardcore.Copy !req
128. Like what?Copy !req
129. Alright. Listen,Copy !req
130. I'm gonna get a job at the NSACopy !req
131. and then I'm going to put all
their secrets up on Twitter.Copy !req
132. Nah don't do that.Copy !req
133. No dude,Copy !req
134. I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters
disguised as an employeeCopy !req
135. and I'm gonna ... hang ...
hang on a second, Lawrence.Copy !req
136. I think we have a nosey
Nancy in the room.Copy !req
137. Dude, my Twitter account
might already be compromised.Copy !req
138. If I'm going to infiltrate the NSACopy !req
139. and get all
their secrets out to the publicCopy !req
140. then I'm gonna need something
better than Twitter.Copy !req
141. You need that new thing
where you don't need to type.Copy !req
142. What they already something
better than Twitter?Copy !req
143. You haven't you seen
the Alec Baldwin commercial?Copy !req
144. No. What Alec Baldwin commercial?Copy !req
145. Hello, I'm Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
146. And I love social media.Copy !req
147. But sometimes I accidentally
tweet things that are homophobic.Copy !req
148. I don't think that way,Copy !req
149. I just type that way.Copy !req
150. That's when I realized,Copy !req
151. it wasn't me that was homophobic.Copy !req
152. It was my thumbs,Copy !req
153. and they needed to be gotten rid of.Copy !req
154. Dah!Copy !req
155. Dowwww!Copy !req
156. So then the problem was,Copy !req
157. I don't have thumbs,Copy !req
158. but I know that everyone in AmericaCopy !req
159. still wants to hear
everything I have to say.Copy !req
160. Well, that's okayCopy !req
161. because now there's a deviceCopy !req
162. that can actually take
the thoughts in your head,Copy !req
163. and send them directly
to the Internet.Copy !req
164. It's called Shitter.Copy !req
165. Wires are grafted
harmlessly into your skullCopy !req
166. and any thought you haveCopy !req
167. is uploaded to the InternetCopy !req
168. and on to all your Shitter followers.Copy !req
169. I'm at a Yankees game right now.Copy !req
170. God I love baseball.Copy !req
171. People who take their cats
on planes should be shot.Copy !req
172. I'm at a really great
musical right now.Copy !req
173. In 1992,
I had sex with the Queen of Monaco.Copy !req
174. I had my entire fist up her ass.Copy !req
175. Don't let your social
media slow down your needCopy !req
176. to communicate with the world.Copy !req
177. Go direct from thought
to Internet with Shitter.Copy !req
178. Just finished my Shitter commercial.Copy !req
179. Time to do find a pussy sandwich.Copy !req
180. Alright. Wassup everybody wassup.Copy !req
181. I'm about ready to go
to the NSA undercoverCopy !req
182. and see if I can expose
some of their secrets.Copy !req
183. You can follow me on
my Shitter accountCopy !req
184. at hashtag
keepthegovernmentoutofmybusiness.com.Copy !req
185. Wait! Shh.Copy !req
186. I gotta be careful.Copy !req
187. Kyle is here and I'm pretty
sure he's trying to listen in.Copy !req
188. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
189. Kyle, if you wouldn't mind,Copy !req
190. this broadcast is for
my Shitter followers only.Copy !req
191. What's Shitter?Copy !req
192. Don't know if you've heard,
but the government isCopy !req
193. actually able to monitor all
our emails and Twitter accounts.Copy !req
194. With Shitter,
I don't even need a cel phone,Copy !req
195. my thoughts are sent
directly to the Internet,Copy !req
196. and then to everyone else on Shitter.Copy !req
197. Wow!Copy !req
198. Yes.Copy !req
199. Now as I infiltrate the NSACopy !req
200. I'll be able to broadcast everything
to all my Shitter followers.Copy !req
201. You're okay with everything you
think going up on the Internet.Copy !req
202. Yeah because the government
won't respect my privacy!Copy !req
203. How many people are on Shitter?Copy !req
204. Just two so far.Copy !req
205. Me and Alec Baldwin.Copy !req
206. I'm about to sit down
and eat a sandwichCopy !req
207. at this amazing deli run
by two faggots in Chelsea.Copy !req
208. Oh kewl.Copy !req
209. I'll have to try it
out sometime. Lol.Copy !req
210. In 1982 I was at a party
at Mike Douglas'houseCopy !req
211. and I Kim Basinger.Copy !req
212. Wow, that's cool.Copy !req
213. She's cute, wink emoji.Copy !req
214. Oh my God.Copy !req
215. Oh God they saw me.Copy !req
216. They saw me and they're
gonna be so angry.Copy !req
217. Maybe they didn't see me!Copy !req
218. No,Copy !req
219. no they saw me,Copy !req
220. they see everything.Copy !req
221. I did something really bad.Copy !req
222. Really, really bad.Copy !req
223. Next!Copy !req
224. Oh God!Copy !req
225. But my parents always told me,Copy !req
226. "if you do something horribleCopy !req
227. then you have to admit
it to your protectorCopy !req
228. so that you can have forgiveness."Copy !req
229. Are these people nice?Copy !req
230. DMV people?Copy !req
231. There the meanest
people on planet earth.Copy !req
232. Oh geez.Copy !req
233. Oh God!Copy !req
234. Here we go.Copy !req
235. I yelled at a midget.Copy !req
236. I was watching MTV,Copy !req
237. and this little person
was singing a song,Copy !req
238. I think her name was pinkCopy !req
239. and I didn't like the songCopy !req
240. and so I yelled 'hey
get off TV you midget!'Copy !req
241. and I, uh,Copy !req
242. I was at Barnes
and nobles with my mom.Copy !req
243. And while she was looking for a book,Copy !req
244. I saw this picture of Jennifer
Lawrence in a magazine.Copy !req
245. Um, and I ... wul,Copy !req
246. I cut the picture out of
the magazine while no one was looking.Copy !req
247. There's more.Copy !req
248. I took the picture home with me.Copy !req
249. And I ... I cut Jennifer Lawrence's
mouth out with scissors.Copy !req
250. And then I ... I put
my wiener through the hole.Copy !req
251. I have no idea why!Copy !req
252. How can I atone for it?Copy !req
253. I already said the pledge
of allegiance 50 times!Copy !req
254. And I sang 'my country tis
of thee' a hundred times,Copy !req
255. and I watched 'America's
Got Talent' twice!Copy !req
256. What else can I do?Copy !req
257. Why not a thousand
'Living In Americas'.Copy !req
258. Yes! Yes I will!Copy !req
259. Oh thank you!Copy !req
260. I will!Copy !req
261. Oh I feel so much better already!Copy !req
262. Livin' in AmericaCopy !req
263. eye to eyeCopy !req
264. hand to handCopy !req
265. across the nation
smoke track fat back!Copy !req
266. Many miles of railroad track!Copy !req
267. Say ow ow!Copy !req
268. Can I help you sir?Copy !req
269. Yes, I'm here to
apply for the NSA job.Copy !req
270. Alright. And your name?Copy !req
271. Bill Clinton.Copy !req
272. I don't see you on the list,
Mr. Clinton.Copy !req
273. Oh. Well, must be a clerical mistake,
but they are expecting me.Copy !req
274. If you're ever in Los AngelesCopy !req
275. be sure to look up
Jennifer Love Hewitt.Copy !req
276. She can make a pussy sandwichCopy !req
277. that will give those faggots in
Chelsea a run for their money.Copy !req
278. What have you got, Patricia?Copy !req
279. Uh, this man says he has
an interview for a job, sir.Copy !req
280. I am extremely qualified
sir and very eager to work.Copy !req
281. I borrowed my brothers
dick once to Daryl Hannah.Copy !req
282. I, uh, was sure
the appointment was today.Copy !req
283. That's quite alright.Copy !req
284. The NSA needs all the help it can getCopy !req
285. come on upstairs
and I'll show you aroundCopy !req
286. see if you'll fit for the job.Copy !req
287. Hello, sir.Copy !req
288. My colleague and I are
going sru the neighborhoodCopy !req
289. and see if you like to know the truth.Copy !req
290. Sure I love the truth!Copy !req
291. Okay. We from the Jehovah's WitnessCopy !req
292. we are kingdom hall of Jehovah's
Witness and we believe,Copy !req
293. sir that maybe people
the interpret the Bible wong.Copy !req
294. What's a Jehovah's Witness?Copy !req
295. Yes sir, we believe the ... the truth.Copy !req
296. I was once like you
I not know what to believeCopy !req
297. but then I let my provider
Jehovah into my heart.Copy !req
298. Oh my goodness.Copy !req
299. Your little cartoon
has a girl on fire!Copy !req
300. Yes, because Jehovah will bring
judgment and all will perish,Copy !req
301. like the little girl
will burn in the fire.Copy !req
302. Oh you shouldn't be handing
out drawings like this, ma'am.Copy !req
303. Don't you know
that the government is watching you?Copy !req
304. The government watching me?Copy !req
305. Whazze?Copy !req
306. He said the government watching us.Copy !req
307. Right now?Copy !req
308. How long they been watching us?Copy !req
309. Can I ask you something?Copy !req
310. When was the last time you
went to your local DMV?Copy !req
311. I no go DMV. I don't have car.Copy !req
312. Oh you can walk there.Copy !req
313. Trust me, you gotta go to the DMV,
it's incredible.Copy !req
314. See, I was like you once,Copy !req
315. afraid, unsure,Copy !req
316. doin' stuff I shouldn't doCopy !req
317. like showing people
pictures of little girlsCopy !req
318. with their heads on fire.Copy !req
319. But you know what I've learned?Copy !req
320. That just going to the DMVCopy !req
321. and letting go of all my wrong doingsCopy !req
322. filled me with a joy
I had felt nowhere else.Copy !req
323. Would you like to read
some DMV literature?Copy !req
324. This'll tell you most of what
you need to know about the DMV.Copy !req
325. But just go,Copy !req
326. everyone there is really nice.Copy !req
327. Your government is watching you,Copy !req
328. and your government
wants you to be happy.Copy !req
329. Have a nice day!Copy !req
330. Right this way, bill.Copy !req
331. Welcome to the NSA main office.Copy !req
332. Ah yes.Copy !req
333. So this is where the government
checks up on its citizens.Copy !req
334. There's a lot of people
working here at the NSA.Copy !req
335. Good people.Copy !req
336. People who just want
to keep America safe.Copy !req
337. Only problem is checking all
those emails, Twitter accountsCopy !req
338. and surveilling all those phone callsCopy !req
339. can take a lot of manpower.Copy !req
340. Hey Joe.Copy !req
341. What'chyou got Miller?Copy !req
342. Got a 24-yearold male in Albuquerque.Copy !req
343. He just emailed his wifeCopy !req
344. and asked if she could go
to the store after work.Copy !req
345. Then he called a fitness
center to set up a membership.Copy !req
346. He liked the fitness centerCopy !req
347. so he tweeted his friends
that they should try it out.Copy !req
348. Alright, keep an eye on him.Copy !req
349. Let me know if anything changes.Copy !req
350. Will do.Copy !req
351. It's a never-ending
grind here at the NSA,Copy !req
352. and it seems there's
never enough detectivesCopy !req
353. to keep track of everyone.Copy !req
354. Sergeant! What have you got, Lawson?Copy !req
355. Got a 17-year-old female
down in Jacksonville.Copy !req
356. She called her friend and asked ifCopy !req
357. she wanted to go see
the Percy Jackson movie.Copy !req
358. Then she emailed her mom at
work at asked if it was okay.Copy !req
359. The mom said yes,Copy !req
360. but called her husband
first to make sureCopy !req
361. there weren't already dinner plans.Copy !req
362. Alright,
keep an eye on all three of 'em.Copy !req
363. Will do.Copy !req
364. If you think you've
got the stomach for itCopy !req
365. then we could definitely use your help,
young man.Copy !req
366. Sir, you might wanna
go check this out.Copy !req
367. What have you got?Copy !req
368. 32-year-old pizza delivery man.Copy !req
369. He just put on his Twitter accountCopy !req
370. that he hates America and wants
to blow up the Lincoln memorial.Copy !req
371. 16 pm,Copy !req
372. the chief asked me to join himCopy !req
373. as he went to question
the possible suspect.Copy !req
374. I agreed to go along.Copy !req
375. Hopefully the NSA has no
idea of my secret intentions.Copy !req
376. LolCopy !req
377. well, well the NSA.Copy !req
378. I should have known.Copy !req
379. We want to talk to you about
some tweets you've been tweeting.Copy !req
380. Hey man I was just blowing smoke.Copy !req
381. Say what right does
the government haveCopy !req
382. reading my private emails anyway?Copy !req
383. Haven't you squares ever
heard of the constitution?Copy !req
384. Yeah we've heard of that.Copy !req
385. We've also heard of
the declaration of independence.Copy !req
386. See, there's a lot of people
out there who think like you.Copy !req
387. People who think
their government doesn't have the rightCopy !req
388. to go around poking their noses
in the emails of its citizensCopy !req
389. that is until a plane
flies into a couple towersCopy !req
390. and a little girl loses her life.Copy !req
391. You wanna live in the land of
the free and home of the brave,Copy !req
392. but the brave can't be
free if the land isn't homeCopy !req
393. and that land won't
be home so long asCopy !req
394. folks out there want to take
that American flag and shove itCopy !req
395. so far up your anus
that you crap stars and stripesCopy !req
396. for a week and as your sittin'
there on the toilet with the starCopy !req
397. spangled montezuma's revenge
there's one thing I canCopy !req
398. yeah, what's that?Copy !req
399. You won't care who's checking
your Twitter account then.Copy !req
400. I never thought of it that way.Copy !req
401. I fucked Jack lemmon's
makeup girl in a porta potty.Copy !req
402. Hello, Craig!Copy !req
403. How would you like to know the truth?Copy !req
404. The truth about what?Copy !req
405. We're just goin'
through the neighborhoodCopy !req
406. and seeing if you've accepted
the government into your heart.Copy !req
407. Uh no, I don't think so.Copy !req
408. Yes sir my colleague and I ...
we want to share our experience at DMV.Copy !req
409. We went to DMV and we admit toCopy !req
410. all our shortcoming and sins
and a big tidal wave of a peace andCopy !req
411. sherinity went over our soul
and touch our heart.Copy !req
412. Okay.Copy !req
413. You see Craig,
once I came clean with the government,Copy !req
414. I no longer had anything to hide.Copy !req
415. Then I found peace.
Have you read any DMVCopy !req
416. uhhh no.Copy !req
417. Wul there's a lot of
interesting stuff in here Craig,Copy !req
418. there's even some quotes
from President Obama.Copy !req
419. Could you read this part out loud?Copy !req
420. "Your local DMV is funded by
your tax dollars to be efficientCopy !req
421. and proficious."Copy !req
422. Yeah.Copy !req
423. What do you think President
Obama means when he says that?Copy !req
424. I have no idea.Copy !req
425. Well, we believe thatCopy !req
426. he means the government loves you.
And it wants to forgive youCopy !req
427. if you just let
the government into your heart.Copy !req
428. Yes sir, see I use to be like
you I go around sending theCopy !req
429. nasty email send the nasty
text put up the nasty picturesCopy !req
430. on my nassy Facebook.
But then I realize all of theseCopy !req
431. they live forever because
government keep a file on us.Copy !req
432. So all that live forever up
in what they call the cloud.Copy !req
433. If the government, sir,
if they gonna put that file in the cloudCopy !req
434. then I wanna make sure I come
clean about the bad ones maybeCopy !req
435. get those things off
my record off the cloud.Copy !req
436. Because we live forever,
in the cloud.Copy !req
437. Uh huh.
Did you follow all that Craig?Copy !req
438. I don't really think
I followed all that.Copy !req
439. I've done it.
I've infiltrated the NSACopy !req
440. and gained their trust.Copy !req
441. So far I have not ascertainedCopy !req
442. how they are able to keep track
of everyone in the country.Copy !req
443. But I'm close, very close.
I just hope that I'm not found outCopy !req
444. as a whistle blower before I'm able
to expose their entire operation.Copy !req
445. what is that voice?Copy !req
446. Some little faggot in my head.Copy !req
447. Hey so um,
as I'm going through people's emails andCopy !req
448. phone calls, um, how do I know
which people to start with?Copy !req
449. Pretty simple. Everyone has a file.Copy !req
450. People who have a status of threat,
possible threat orCopy !req
451. person of interest are the ones
we really want to look at.Copy !req
452. The more we pay attention to them,
the bigger their file becomes.Copy !req
453. Really? How big is my file?Copy !req
454. Uh, that is-uh, you must have
a pretty big file on Eric Cartman.Copy !req
455. All his blogs and emails have
been watched for quite some time.Copy !req
456. Jarvis, what have
we got on an Eric Cartman.Copy !req
457. Any files on Eric Cartman?Copy !req
458. Oh yeah,
we tracked him for a little bitCopy !req
459. but central computer designated
his status as fat and unimportant.Copy !req
460. uh trust me,
he's not fat and unimportant.Copy !req
461. I think we need to change his
status to ripped and sweet.Copy !req
462. Excuse me.Copy !req
463. Excuse me, there is a very important
threat to national security.Copy !req
464. We need to change Eric Cartman's statusCopy !req
465. and that's when I masturbated
to game of thrones.Copy !req
466. I know it was wrong to masturbateCopy !req
467. and I know it was especially
wrong to masturbate while on dutyCopy !req
468. what the ...Copy !req
469. why do these people keep coming here?Copy !req
470. But I am done forever
with game of thrones.Copy !req
471. Next please!Copy !req
472. Thank you!Copy !req
473. Yay!Copy !req
474. Congratulations, brother!
How do you feel?Copy !req
475. I feel really good.Copy !req
476. Wow! Those people over there
seem like they're having fun.Copy !req
477. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be,
then at the DMV withCopy !req
478. all you wonderful people!
Now let's all pledge allegiance!Copy !req
479. I pledge allegianceCopy !req
480. to the flag! Of the unitedCopy !req
481. what the hell is going on here?
This is the DMV!Copy !req
482. There'll be no joy here!Copy !req
483. uh, people keep showing up
and telling us what they did wrong.Copy !req
484. Hey I'm just trying
to renew my license.Copy !req
485. How much longer I gotta wait?Copy !req
486. Shut up!Copy !req
487. Sit there and wait and no
cel phones or other thingsCopy !req
488. that pass time joyously!Copy !req
489. I'm gonna put a stop to this.Copy !req
490. Look, I am telling you
that you are making a huge mistake.Copy !req
491. Eric Cartman is
the NSA's worst nightmare.Copy !req
492. Not according to
the central computer.Copy !req
493. The central computer is wrong.Copy !req
494. You need to change his status.Copy !req
495. Sorry, but if central computer saysCopy !req
496. he's not a threat then
we can't do anything.Copy !req
497. Can't do anything? You're the NSA.Copy !req
498. There's 300 million people out there.Copy !req
499. How do you think we're able
to keep track of every singleCopy !req
500. person in this country?Copy !req
501. How do you think we're able to
really know who is doing what?Copy !req
502. I don't know.Copy !req
503. Alright, I'll show you.
But this is very top security stuff.Copy !req
504. Because if people knew how we did it,
then everyone would do it.Copy !req
505. Then our enemies would do it.Copy !req
506. We can't let our enemies
get their hands on this.Copy !req
507. Get their hands on what?Copy !req
508. This is how we know who's
a threat and who's not.Copy !req
509. How we know who is sleeping,
and who's awake.Copy !req
510. How we know ...Copy !req
511. you think I'm fat
and unimportant now?Copy !req
512. I am Eric Cartman!
And I've got news for you.Copy !req
513. This is all being broadcast
live on my Twitter zeppelinCopy !req
514. and on Alec Baldwin's new
television show via Shitter!Copy !req
515. Hi everybody and welcome
to my new show on MSNBC,Copy !req
516. "Free Pass With Alec Baldwin"Copy !req
517. your secret is out NSA!Copy !req
518. And now that everyone knows what
you're doing to Santa you canCopy !req
519. you can kiss your problem goodbye.Copy !req
520. You should have taken me
down when you had the chance.Copy !req
521. Now everyone knows the truth.Copy !req
522. And everyone's gonna
think I'm super cool.Copy !req
523. Eric, honey, what's the matter?Copy !req
524. It didn't work, mom.Copy !req
525. I infiltrated the NSA and I was
a whistleblower and I thoughtCopy !req
526. everyone would be super pissed
off at what I exposed about theCopy !req
527. government, but nobody cares!
Nobody cares that the governmentCopy !req
528. is listening in on everything.
Nobody cares that Santa ClausCopy !req
529. hooked up to a big horrible machine!Copy !req
530. I know that the NSA is torturing Santa,
sweetie,Copy !req
531. but they're keeping us safe.Copy !req
532. No, now you just sound
like everybody else!Copy !req
533. Honey, it's okay.Copy !req
534. It's not going to be okayCopy !req
535. because now I'm a whistleblower
against my countryCopy !req
536. and I'm gonna have to
hide out in Russsiaaaaaa.Copy !req
537. No, you don't have
to fly to Russia hon.Copy !req
538. No, it'll be fine.Copy !req
539. How about I make you some hot
tea with lemon and codeine?Copy !req
540. Okay.Copy !req
541. I just want hot tea and codeine, mom.Copy !req
542. Okay hon!Copy !req
543. Hello. How would you
like to know the truth?Copy !req
544. The fuck are you
talking about Butters?Copy !req
545. It's time to let go, Eric.Copy !req
546. Don't you see there's no other way?Copy !req
547. Just let the government
into your heart.Copy !req
548. It's too late for me, Butters.Copy !req
549. I have to go to Russia
and live with the commie dwarves.Copy !req
550. It's never too late.
There's a place where you can start over.Copy !req
551. what's this?Copy !req
552. Your government doesn't listen
in on you to punish you.Copy !req
553. Your government just wants you
to be honest about your mistakes.Copy !req
554. I can be forgiven?Copy !req
555. For everything bad I've ever done.Copy !req
556. yes.Copy !req
557. And then all I have to do is go
back to this place every timeCopy !req
558. I do something wrong and admit
it and I'm forgiven again?Copy !req
559. That's right.Copy !req
560. That's pretty cool.Copy !req
561. We've got a new member today!Copy !req
562. Eric Cartman,
do you love your country?Copy !req
563. I do! I love my country!Copy !req
564. Do you pledge allegiance to the flag?Copy !req
565. I pledge it!Copy !req
566. I fucking pledge that allegiance!Copy !req
567. Hallelujah!Copy !req
568. You want us to kick them out of here?Copy !req
569. No.Copy !req
570. No leave them alone.
It's a nice change to see peopleCopy !req
571. happy to be at the DMV.
Perhaps we here at the DMV canCopy !req
572. start changing as well.
Perhaps instead of treatingCopy !req
573. people badly,
we can offer them comfort and hope.Copy !req
574. Why, the DMV can be a place
where people come to get thingsCopy !req
575. off their chest, confess, yes,
but also be told that they'reCopy !req
576. worth something in this world.
And then DMV's everywhere canCopy !req
577. become a place where
people feel safe.Copy !req
578. And when they do something wrong,
we can offer forgiveness.Copy !req
579. Don't you see what
this could lead to?Copy !req
580. Don't you see what we could become?Copy !req
581. The DMV was shut down today
after rampant allegations of sexCopy !req
582. with young boys.
The heads of the DMV were arrestedCopy !req
583. "Hey, it came with the territory."Copy !req
584. With the dvm shut down,
Americans are being asked toCopy !req
585. confess wrong doings
at their nearest post office.Copy !req
586. We've just received word that the U.S.
postal service has beenCopy !req
587. shut down due to rampant
allegations of sex with young boys.Copy !req
588. It now appears that the onlyCopy !req
589. people who can be trusted
with confessions and guidanceCopy !req
590. is your local news station.Copy !req
591. WMZ News will be back in a young boy.Copy !req