1. Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.Copy !req
2. I can't take it!Copy !req
3. Somebody help us!Copy !req
4. Trapped in a unforgiving
mountain wilderness with no way out.Copy !req
5. The fourth graders are in a nightmare
they cannot escape.Copy !req
6. We were stuck,
completely stuck.Copy !req
7. Hurry!Copy !req
8. You got to wake up!Copy !req
9. For four elementary schoolboys,Copy !req
10. an ordinary day
becomes a descent into madness,Copy !req
11. on tonight's episode of...
I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining.Copy !req
12. Oh, God!Copy !req
13. Got to get out of here!Copy !req
14. All over the small mountain town
of South Park,Copy !req
15. students are trying
to have as much fun as possible.Copy !req
16. For 10-year-old Stan Marsh
and his friends Kyle, Eric and Kenny,Copy !req
17. the last day has come too soon.Copy !req
18. We spent the whole spring break
watching TV and playing Xbox,Copy !req
19. so we wanted to go out
and do something adventurous.Copy !req
20. We can go to the city pool.
They have a water slide.Copy !req
21. I'm not getting into a pool with Kenny.
He has herpes.Copy !req
22. Look at his lips.
You got herpes.Copy !req
23. Cold sore is what girls call it.
It's actually herpes.Copy !req
24. The day's wasting away.
What would be something cool to do?Copy !req
25. And then, out of nowhere,
somebody came up with ziplining.Copy !req
26. - Ziplining, that could be really cool!
- We've definitely not done that before.Copy !req
27. There's a place just outside of town.
My uncle Jimbo will drop us off.Copy !req
28. Cool!
Ziplining.Copy !req
29. Ziplining, hell yeah!Copy !req
30. Within 30 minutes,Copy !req
31. the boys are getting a ride
with Stan's uncle Jimbo.Copy !req
32. We were in a good mood,
joking around,Copy !req
33. mostly making fun
of Kenny's herpes.Copy !req
34. Sick, Kenny!
You have herpes!Copy !req
35. I almost touched it.Copy !req
36. Sick, Kenny!Copy !req
37. You sound like a chick.
You got that shit until you die.Copy !req
38. It's the idyllic spring break getaway
with friends and laughter.Copy !req
39. You guys here
for the two o'clock zipline tour?Copy !req
40. Let me get you
some helmets and some gear,Copy !req
41. and we'll get up there
and hit that fresh nar nar.Copy !req
42. They put us
in harnesses and helmets.Copy !req
43. That's when we started realizing...Copy !req
44. this is actually pretty dangerous.Copy !req
45. You guys look ready to zipline.Copy !req
46. All right!Copy !req
47. Follow me to the waiting room
and take a seat with the others.Copy !req
48. We were like, we have to do this
with other people?Copy !req
49. - Hi, there.
- Hello.Copy !req
50. The boys have just made
a sobering discovery.Copy !req
51. For 10-year-old Stan Marsh,Copy !req
52. the realization
that he will be with a tour groupCopy !req
53. has caused
his adrenal glands to slow down.Copy !req
54. The average human acts a certain way
around friends and family.Copy !req
55. But, in a tour group,
the brain has to work overtime,Copy !req
56. acting nice and pretending
to care about people on the tour.Copy !req
57. How are you?Copy !req
58. Good, how are you?Copy !req
59. So then,
we sit there for like 30 minutes.Copy !req
60. We had to wait
for this couple running late.Copy !req
61. Our last zipliners are here.Copy !req
62. Sorry we made you wait.Copy !req
63. Inside Kyle's mouth,Copy !req
64. the muscles contract to force a smile,
even though in his brain,Copy !req
65. Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you."Copy !req
66. We don't mind.Copy !req
67. We thought things
would start getting fun, but...Copy !req
68. that's when we had to watch
the safety video.Copy !req
69. Welcome to Backcountry Adventures.
Hey, there, Michael.Copy !req
70. Hey, there, Michael.Copy !req
71. It was 10, maybe 15 minutes
of pure hell.Copy !req
72. And don't forget to take in the nar.Copy !req
73. Back to you, Michael.Copy !req
74. Thanks, Michael.
Anybody have any questions?Copy !req
75. I have a question.Copy !req
76. Could we review the best ways
to hold the rope again?Copy !req
77. You're gonna make us listen to it again,
because you couldn't understand?Copy !req
78. Let's get out there and get zipping.Copy !req
79. - Jesus Christ!
- Finally!Copy !req
80. The boys think their ordeal is over.Copy !req
81. But what they don't realizeCopy !req
82. is that things
are about to go from bad to worse.Copy !req
83. Here we go, ziplining!Copy !req
84. Everyone step on in the shuttle.Copy !req
85. Shuttle?Copy !req
86. How long
do we have to take the shuttle?Copy !req
87. It's about 45 minutes.Copy !req
88. It's a devastating blow.Copy !req
89. For Kyle,
it's almost too much to bare.Copy !req
90. His brain is lacking excitement.Copy !req
91. And now, just the word "shuttle"Copy !req
92. makes Kyle's brain fire neuronsCopy !req
93. that bring up memories
of how lame shuttles can be.Copy !req
94. Come on, we have no choice.Copy !req
95. Should be about 45 minutes
to the freshest nar nar.Copy !req
96. Why don't we go around the van
to get to know each other?Copy !req
97. That's OK.Copy !req
98. My name's Pete Knickels,
and this is my wife Donna.Copy !req
99. Make a long story short,Copy !req
100. we came out here
to see our relatives who live in Moab.Copy !req
101. They've lived in there
about 20 years now.Copy !req
102. And long story short,Copy !req
103. they told us
that while we're in the Rockies,Copy !req
104. we should try ziplining.Copy !req
105. We looked around in the newspapers
and on the Internet,Copy !req
106. on billboards and...Copy !req
107. you know...Copy !req
108. Make a long story short,Copy !req
109. we found this company
and gave her a try.Copy !req
110. We called and made a reservation,
and that's when...Copy !req
111. Long story short, we just...Copy !req
112. It's almost three o'clock
and the boys are still on the shuttle.Copy !req
113. We're getting close.
You're psyched?Copy !req
114. But what the boys don't realize,Copy !req
115. is that a massive storm is brewing.Copy !req
116. Last night, Eric had Kung Pao spaghetti
from California Pizza Kitchen.Copy !req
117. Inside Eric's stomach,Copy !req
118. the Kung Pao has met
with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast.Copy !req
119. It has started to tear down the layers
of a barbecue BK ToppersCopy !req
120. that have been building up
for months.Copy !req
121. And now, to compensate
for all the annoying tourists,Copy !req
122. Eric is ingesting
massive amounts of Mountain Dew.Copy !req
123. The caffeine and sugar
turn the soupy fast-food liquidCopy !req
124. into a toxic gas.Copy !req
125. When the gas is released,Copy !req
126. it caries with it tiny particles
of Eric's fecal matter.Copy !req
127. Fecal matter which floats up
and into Kyle's nasal passage.Copy !req
128. Did you fart?Copy !req
129. All right, we're here.Copy !req
130. Thank God.Copy !req
131. Here we are!Copy !req
132. We've got some good nar
to zipline through today.Copy !req
133. Before we climb up
and start ziplining,Copy !req
134. does anyone care to know
about these trees' biology?Copy !req
135. The trees' biology?Copy !req
136. We're running late,Copy !req
137. but if anyone wants to know,
we can take a few minutes.Copy !req
138. We're good.Copy !req
139. I'd like to know
about the biology of the trees.Copy !req
140. This is a ponderosa pine.Copy !req
141. It covers a more extensive area
than other...Copy !req
142. After asshole gets his biology lesson,
we finally get to go ziplining.Copy !req
143. Remember to keep your hands
clear of the cableCopy !req
144. and let your equipment do the work.Copy !req
145. When you're about
halfway down the zipline,Copy !req
146. the camera will take your picture.Copy !req
147. When I call out "shaka bra,"Copy !req
148. look up and give the camera
a nice shaka bra.Copy !req
149. You're ready?Copy !req
150. Ready to do some zipping?Copy !req
151. Let's hear you say "zipline!"Copy !req
152. Shaka bra!Copy !req
153. All right, nice zip!Copy !req
154. How was it?Copy !req
155. Totally fucking stupid!Copy !req
156. Really?Copy !req
157. It's fucking boring as shit.Copy !req
158. All right, give me a "zipline!"Copy !req
159. Shaka bra!Copy !req
160. It was like
having the life sucked out of you.Copy !req
161. That's all it is,
sliding down a cable.Copy !req
162. Maybe without a tour group,
it'd be kind of fun.Copy !req
163. Maybe.Copy !req
164. But this was justCopy !req
165. a complete disaster.Copy !req
166. After a grueling 20 minutesCopy !req
167. waiting for everyone else
to ride the zipline,Copy !req
168. the boys realize
they have wasted hours of their time.Copy !req
169. And that is when
the unthinkable happens.Copy !req
170. Let's get moving.Copy !req
171. Only ten minutes
to our next ziplines.Copy !req
172. The next ziplines?
What are you talking about?Copy !req
173. Excuse me.Copy !req
174. We aren't going back?
Are we done?Copy !req
175. This is a zipline tour.
We've got 16 more to go.Copy !req
176. It was like...Copy !req
177. Everyone back in the shuttle.Copy !req
178. The boys realize
that their ziplining nightmareCopy !req
179. has only just begun.Copy !req
180. Any questions
about the creek we're about to cross?Copy !req
181. Let her rip!Copy !req
182. Zipline!Copy !req
183. Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.Copy !req
184. Zipline up here,
we call it the Terminator.Copy !req
185. Trapped in an unforgiving
mountain wilderness with a tour group.Copy !req
186. To make a long story short,
I woke up this morning, and...Copy !req
187. Could you get another picture of us?Copy !req
188. The fourth graders are in a nightmare
they cannot escape.Copy !req
189. I'm so fucking bored!Copy !req
190. Nice zip!Copy !req
191. You're going next, Ricky.Copy !req
192. Help!Copy !req
193. Somebody!
We're trapped!Copy !req
194. Somebody help us!Copy !req
195. It's no use.
There's nobody around for miles.Copy !req
196. There could be a helicopter.Copy !req
197. Face it, nobody's coming for us.Copy !req
198. Zipline!Copy !req
199. We should have never listened to you.Copy !req
200. - Me?
- Yeah, you!Copy !req
201. This morning,Copy !req
202. "Let's all go ziplining.
We never done that before."Copy !req
203. Don't try to pin this on me.
You're the one who brought it up.Copy !req
204. Because you already brought it up.Copy !req
205. That's when I realized
nobody remembered.Copy !req
206. Nobody remembered it was me
who came up with the idea of ziplining.Copy !req
207. Me.Copy !req
208. - You fat piece of shit!
- Fuck you!Copy !req
209. Guys, does it really matter
whose idea it was?Copy !req
210. We can make it.
We can't panic.Copy !req
211. If the four of us don't zipline,
the tour will move faster.Copy !req
212. We are gonna make it out of here.Copy !req
213. But what the boys don't realizeCopy !req
214. is that Eric's body is shutting down
from stage four diarrhea.Copy !req
215. Inside his stomach,Copy !req
216. bile has just dislodged
in Arby's Ultimate Angus.Copy !req
217. In the average human,
this would only cause mild diarrhea.Copy !req
218. But Eric Cartman
is now drinking Double Dew,Copy !req
219. a Mountain Dew product
with twice the sugar and caffeine.Copy !req
220. His rancid feces is now
rapidly converting to a thick paste.Copy !req
221. The diarrhea shoots out of his anus
and into his underwear.Copy !req
222. Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.Copy !req
223. Did you just shit your pants?Copy !req
224. I tried to keep the tour group moving
as fast as possible.Copy !req
225. This is where
we're gonna break for lunch.Copy !req
226. Come in by the waterfall, gang.Copy !req
227. Could we skip lunch and keep going?Copy !req
228. Skip a free lunch?
Not me!Copy !req
229. Who wants sandwiches?Copy !req
230. We got turkey.Copy !req
231. Ham.Copy !req
232. Turkey ham.Copy !req
233. Long story short...Copy !req
234. You guys, seriously,
something's wrong in my tummy.Copy !req
235. Then stop
drinking Double Dew, fatass.Copy !req
236. This is Diet Double Dew.Copy !req
237. It has half the caffeine and sugar
of Double Dew.Copy !req
238. I got to get to a bathroom fast.Copy !req
239. You're in a forest.
Go take a crap.Copy !req
240. If I crap in the woods,
the blood will attract beavers!Copy !req
241. We have an emergency.
Our friend is really, really sick.Copy !req
242. The little kid with the herpes?Copy !req
243. - That's not herpes, it's a cold sore.
- Right, sorry.Copy !req
244. His cold sore is really bad,
and he's losing blood.Copy !req
245. Sorry, but we're at the summit.
Our only way down is to zip down.Copy !req
246. Zipline!Copy !req
247. - What about the stables?
- The stables!Copy !req
248. There's a ranch past that hill
that rents horses.Copy !req
249. I bet they can get you back.Copy !req
250. Suddenly, Stan says he knows
about some horse stables.Copy !req
251. It seemed too good to be true.Copy !req
252. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
253. You want four horses,
one for each of you?Copy !req
254. I think we can set you up.Copy !req
255. - Thank God!
- This is gonna be sweet, after all.Copy !req
256. Step out here.
We'll get you going.Copy !req
257. Got four more for you, Duncan.Copy !req
258. Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.Copy !req
259. Trapped in a tour group on horsebackCopy !req
260. that is only allowed
to travel four miles an hour.Copy !req
261. Can we please go faster?Copy !req
262. We got some lunch set up
for you up ahead.Copy !req
263. Some turkey sandwiches
and Diet Double Dew.Copy !req
264. So, long story short,Copy !req
265. I was born in 1953
at 6:00 in the morning...Copy !req
266. An attempt to make a bad day better
becomes a descent into madness, on...Copy !req
267. I Should Have Never Thought
Horseback RidingCopy !req
268. Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining.Copy !req
269. This here waterfall
is called Heartbreak Falls.Copy !req
270. Would you all like to know
why it's called Heartbreak Falls?Copy !req
271. I certainly would!Copy !req
272. Wake up.Copy !req
273. Just go, go without me.Copy !req
274. - We're not leaving you here.
- I can't take it anymore.Copy !req
275. Why do people say "long story short"?
They're not making it short.Copy !req
276. I just sat there,
watching Kyle die...Copy !req
277. I wanted to tell him the truth,
right then and there.Copy !req
278. But then,
this fire rose up inside of me...Copy !req
279. I thought I can find us a way out.Copy !req
280. I ran off and went searching for...
I don't know how long, 12 minutes.Copy !req
281. That's when I found it.Copy !req
282. You guys, get up!Copy !req
283. Listen, there's a lake
100 yards down that way.Copy !req
284. They've got a marina with boats.Copy !req
285. - A marina?
- We can take a boat.Copy !req
286. We can take it
all the way back to Fairplay.Copy !req
287. What's the point?Copy !req
288. A boat all to ourselves.
It will be fun!Copy !req
289. What could possibly go wrong?Copy !req
290. The following program
contains graphic re-enactmentsCopy !req
291. that may be disturbing
to some audience members.Copy !req
292. Four young boys in ColoradoCopy !req
293. are on a trip from hell.Copy !req
294. Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat,Copy !req
295. which is only allowed to go
5 miles an hour.Copy !req
296. Because we keep getting
screwed over by your diarrhea.Copy !req
297. Not my diarrhea's faultCopy !req
298. that you took us all ziplining,
you fucking Jew!Copy !req
299. Ziplining was your idea, fatass.Copy !req
300. The fourth graders are in a nightmare
they cannot escape.Copy !req
301. Whose idea was it
to go ziplining, mine...Copy !req
302. or Kyle's?Copy !req
303. I don't know, I don't give a shit.Copy !req
304. For four elementary schoolboys,Copy !req
305. an already tragic day
becomes a descent into madness, on...Copy !req
306. I Should Have Never Got
on a Goddamn Boat.Copy !req
307. You're not sinking up
the entire boat.Copy !req
308. Take a crap off the side
into the water.Copy !req
309. the boys have made
a terrifying discovery,Copy !req
310. that boating is just as boring
as ziplining.Copy !req
311. The boat went really slow,
and it just went round and round.Copy !req
312. If the boys fall asleep now
from the lack of excitement,Copy !req
313. they could die.Copy !req
314. Here, everyone drink
some Mountain Dew.Copy !req
315. I thought if we all drank
the Mountain Dew,Copy !req
316. the caffeine and sugar
would help us stay awake.Copy !req
317. I told Cartman he had to share it.Copy !req
318. I'm not sharing with Kenny.
He has herpes.Copy !req
319. Fuck you, Cartman.Copy !req
320. Four young boys in Colorado
are on a trip from hell.Copy !req
321. And just when it seems
it can't get any worse...Copy !req
322. Kenny McCormick
has died of boredom.Copy !req
323. My God, they killed Kenny.Copy !req
324. - You bastards!
- Not they, you!Copy !req
325. Look what your ziplining has done.
You're the bastard!Copy !req
326. It was your idea.
You killed Kenny, you bastard!Copy !req
327. Finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I said, stop it!Copy !req
328. Stop it.Copy !req
329. It was me.Copy !req
330. My idea.Copy !req
331. You?Copy !req
332. Four days ago,Copy !req
333. I came across
a brochure for ziplining.Copy !req
334. I thought it would be fun.Copy !req
335. I only acted like it was an idea
we all came up with together.Copy !req
336. So, you intended
for us to go ziplining all along?Copy !req
337. Why, Stan?Copy !req
338. If you sign up three friends,Copy !req
339. you get a free iPod Nano.Copy !req
340. You sold us outCopy !req
341. for an iPod Nano?Copy !req
342. I had no idea
ziplining would be so boring.Copy !req
343. You...Copy !req
344. you killed Kenny.Copy !req
345. You bastard, Stan!Copy !req
346. How many iPod Nanos
is friendship worth?Copy !req
347. I guess one.Copy !req
348. The hardest part about it is
knowing you can't take it back.Copy !req
349. I mean,Copy !req
350. it was a fifth generation Nano,
so I can't trade it in anywhere.Copy !req
351. But then, miraculously,Copy !req
352. the boys prayers
are finally answered.Copy !req
353. It was a miracle.Copy !req
354. He came to save us and take us home.Copy !req
355. - You came for us.
- Mr. Hankey.Copy !req
356. Howdy-ho, boys.
Let's get you back home.Copy !req
357. We were saved.
It was over.Copy !req
358. After nearly four hours
in the Colorado wilderness,Copy !req
359. the boys are finally going home.Copy !req
360. From the boat,Copy !req
361. the boys were airlifted
aboard Mr. Hankey's Helicrapter.Copy !req
362. In the four hours
since they had left home,Copy !req
363. the boys had traveled so far,Copy !req
364. that Mr. Hankey
then had to fly them on his 7 Turdy 7.Copy !req
365. From there,
it was only an hour ride back home,Copy !req
366. on the Pooh-Choo Express.Copy !req
367. Four friends, torn apart by tragedy,Copy !req
368. would now start the long journey back
to forgiveness.Copy !req
369. Kenny McCormick's remains
were brought home to his parents,Copy !req
370. and the boys received treatment
for their herpes.Copy !req
371. I didn't get herpes.
I had a cold sore.Copy !req
372. Kyle Broflovski
spent 27 days in a hospital,Copy !req
373. having fecal matter removed
from his nasal passages.Copy !req
374. Stan Marsh dedicated himself
to raising awarenessCopy !req
375. about the boredom risks of ziplining.Copy !req
376. His awareness videos
became so popularCopy !req
377. that Stan, once again,
ended up jacking it in San Diego.Copy !req
378. As for Eric Cartman,Copy !req
379. he refused to let the tragedy stop him
from doing what he loves most.Copy !req
380. In just two weeks, he was back
to drinking Diet Double Dew,Copy !req
381. defiant to dew the math.Copy !req
382. It's diet.
Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea.Copy !req